Iyanla Vanzant - PeaceFromBrokenPieces

I now present to you from our heart iyanla Vanzant come on in y'all good evening old Clinton how are you looking good I can't really see you the way these lights are configured but that's okay thank you for taking time out of your day your busy schedule cuz of you all look so busy to come and share some time I'm getting ready to go back on the road as I say it's been eight years since I've written a book a full length book and probably ten years since I've toured a book so I've been home being spoiled and now to get back out in the world I don't think I would have wanted to have start anywhere other than here in Oakland with my good friend Blanche has been my editor my supporter my encourage er my personal angel so when I write her I write and when she writes me she signs it why PA your personal angel you know and I call her back the same thing what an incredible joy it is to have a Blanche Richardson in my life what an incredible joy it is to have a reverent Andreea Earl in my life you know and sometimes when people see once people see you on television they you're no longer real you know you're not they like they think like you float or something well first of all I think you're rich that's not for fun so they start setting you notes about the things that they want you to do for them with your wealth yeah and but then people like they don't think you're like real you know like once you've been on television a lot and like they stare at you and stuff so like I really particularly get tickled when they see me in Walmart that's really Stella and I say yes the Sao Paulo is cheap here and tarjay you know I would lose my womanís if I didn't go to tarjay whether I'm rich or real or not I have to go to tarjay and but the one that really gets them is um Sam's Club they just they can't get to me it's a spa so I am real and I shop where it's economical and I I love being out among the people someone came to my house recently and they said to me you cook I said have you seen my butt yeah yes I cook do my own laundry too and also it's a you know my my life my purpose is to be a teacher that's what I am I'm a teacher for me teaching doesn't mean giving anything out and means drawing giving anything to you it means pulling out what's already there and so one of the things that I like to do is I like to live where people live I like to be where people are I like to go through and and be with people as we move through life because life is changing very very rapidly you know things that once were so absolutely critical and essential to us are just not there and the things that we thought we once had to have we realized that we really can do without and things are changing and some of us are faring very well and others of us aren't and I just went through a seven-year period in my experience called life where I really had to get clear about what was meaningful and what wasn't and who I was and who I wasn't and who I wasn't going to be anymore and so out of that experience grew this sharing that I'm offering to the world at this time called peace from broken pieces how to get through what you're going through you see because we all go in through something and all of us at some point it could be an internal something it could be a mental something and emotional something it could be a physical something it could be something in our work it could be something in our relationship in our marriage it could just be something where when you just get to that point where you look at yourself and you say okay this just ain't working okay whether it's the extra pounds on the hips or whether it's the way you live the way you speak the way you think the way you feel we we're all going through something you understand and the question becomes how to get through what you're going through and come out on the other end better than you were when you went in now that better doesn't mean that you're thinner that you have cleaner teeth or fresher breath that better means that you have another level of peace in your being you know for me that is the most important thing and when I'm spelling piece I'm spelling PE AC e because it was a time when it was the other kind of piece that I was on the hunt in the search for but we won't have that conversation am I by myself but I but I've really come to the place to understand that piece piece it's piece it's just piece it's just being able to wake up in the morning and look at myself and no matter what I see that I'm ok with it it's a it's piece that that I know that I've done my best and even though it didn't look like I thought it was going to look or turn out the way I would have wanted it to turn out I have peace with the fact that I gave my best and I did my best and I gave my all and everything is exactly as it needs to be even if it doesn't look like I wanted to look I have peace peace understanding and knowing that I really am NOT in charge I really want to be but I I just say in charge and you know what in almost days ain't nobody listening to me know how you know so I've just come to peace with the fact that I'm not in charge I can't be in charge and I'm not the boss of nobody and even when I'm the boss of me when I look back and what my life looked like nobody would really want to hire me to be the boss of their life if I was to tell a whole truth about in judges head Soapy's from broken pieces how to get through what you're going through means that we have the ability to look at the broken pieces of our lives there's a there's a there's a story in the Bible in the in the Gospels and it's about the the disciples when they were out on the sea and and it was this huge great big storm and and the storm was out there and the Christ was out there also and and the disciples were sleeping and and and they they met in the storm and and the raft the boat that they were on was shattered and they were in the water and and I don't know about you but sometimes the boat that I've been on has been shattered whether it's a dream or a marriage or a relationship or just a particular activity that I'm in and I look up and that thing is busted to pieces now do we have a choice okay we could look at it and say I can fix that have you ever done that you ain't even got no Elmer's glue in your pocket the thing is busted up to pieces and I can fix that because we really do think some of us like me that we really are in charge and not only are we in charge but that it's our duty and our right and our responsibility to fix things or change things or make things different than they were so here we are riding along in this dream this relationship this job this vision this whatever hits the storm and it's busted into pieces and that's what happened to the disciples there their boat was busted into pieces and I I don't know about you but sometimes when those things hit me when I hit that storm the first thing to leave me is my common sense it's very embarrassing to speak just my common sense you know like if something bad happen and the first thing you do is go fine that really isn't helpful first of all you cover your eyes that's not helpful you know and and and then you screaming what that is not helpful and and if you give one of those blood-curdling screams it scares everybody else in the room so even if there was somebody there that could help you I'll support you now they're scared too and they got the eyes cut it really isn't helpful that's just common sense that's don't scare the people in the room okay but for me that the common sense is the first thing that goes and then when I hit that storm and and my dream my vision my whatever it is starts to fall apiece is the other thing that takes a temporary leave of me is knowledge information I don't I don't know it's like stuck it's just like you know like you're what they say when your computer um crashes that happens to my brain it doesn't last long just like you know when it happens to your computer you know anybody sitting there although it please when it comes let don't let me lose my stuff don't let me lose my snow god please yeah the same thing happens to my brain I forget what I know just it don't last long but it does happen and it is quite frightening like Who am I where am I now what in the world is this it doesn't last long but in the midst of the storm yeah same thing happened to the disciples they forgot everything that they had seen everything that they had been taught everything that the Christ had given them in the time that they were together when that boat fell apart they they forgot the other thing that leaves me I know you may not have this I can tell in your aura the pieces of it that I can't see that most y'all a really firm and grounded any good the other thing that has a tendency to leave me when I hit the storm is my faith oh oh you mean somebody understand after I told myself I was in that alone oh my goodness yes faith just go right out the window I can't think of our angel or Holy Spirit of Christ minor Jesus or God or nothing in that moment I'm like out there on my own and that's what happened to the disciples the boat fell apart the storm hit the boat and they had been told prior to going into it don't worry no matter what happens you won't drown and they had been told that but soon as the boat the storm hit the boat into boats with the pieces they were and they began to cry out oh my god the boat what are we gonna do what us gonna do what else gonna do cuz you know you you don't you lose your dignity - with you in trouble right commander the English language all same god I can't think with computers crap well what else go do and the voice said back to them make it on the broken pieces you can make it on your broken pieces in fact most of us have made it on broken pieces broken pieces of our identity broken pieces of our families broken pieces of our dreams of our visions we have made it on broken pieces the place where we seem to fall off as having peace with those broken pieces and not wishing that those pieces were anything else other than what they are because as long as as we want our pieces to be different than they are we're not going to have peace and we're not going to make it through we're going to make it back to another experience just like the other experience that gives us another opportunity to find peace I had to learn about my broken pieces I had many many broken pieces and I didn't even realize that some of the pieces were broken the first piece that I discovered that was broken was my self-image who I was and who I thought I was and who I had been told that I was you see one of the things that I learned in coming to peace with my broken pieces was that there are family pathologies that we inherit pathology is the study the science of discovering what it is that creates disease and we have inherited many of us things from people known and unknown seen and unseen that create disease in our life then we go through our life living in a de stay a disease state of identity and we don't even understand where it's come from I had a family pathology a diseased pathology that took certain things away from me and gave certain things to me simply because I was a woman and as long as I was with all my degrees in education I was still infected by the disease of that family pathology and try as I might to live beyond certain beliefs and and situations and circumstances I could not live beyond the disease of that family pathology that told me as a woman I was not as important as men that told me as a woman I did not have a right to have a voice now that's very strange pathology for a public speaker that you are not supposed to have a voice but what to happen in my situation was I was able to live beyond the pathology by sheer brute force I've forced myself to do it I pushed myself to do it and the opportunities created the in were created in my life so that I could do it but deep down in the places between my toenails and and my heel and my ankle I didn't believe it just didn't believe it because it would mean that my grandmother and my daddy were liars when they told me you ain't nothing when they said go somewhere and sit down and shut up don't nobody want to hear what you got to say why you always gotta have something to say why can't you just shut up you get on my nerves your mouth why don't you just do something with that mouth that was a broken piece and only through the grace of God was I able to live beyond it I made it to another place with that broken peace but there comes a moment when you have to reconcile your pieces there comes a moment when you when you have to stand for your pieces and if you don't understand what your pieces are you could drown I came from a family of a pathology and my family was one of dishonor and dishonesty I came from a family where people would look at what was going on and see what was going on and then talk about the weather nobody wants to talk about that alligator eating the table leg there's alligator he eating leg off the table and you people are trying to card the turkey what is the matter with you and if you like me were to say something about the alligator people would tell you you was grazing that is not a alligator go somewhere and sit down shut up and and and and and sometimes you know that's a defense mechanism and sometimes is how people keep themselves safe but you've got to know that dishonesty is like a cancer and it erodes away the fibers of your being so I lived in a pathology of dishonor and dishonesty it people neglected to tell me that my mother was dead they just you know hey she died when I was two I didn't remember so what the hell that dishonored me but then they told me that somebody else was my mother and that was dishonesty everybody in my family knew that my grandmother was crazy as hell she would crazy as hell can you hear me you know the more loving thing to do would be to say that she was mentally ill she was mentally ill but her mental illness showed up his hellish craziness meaner than a wet cat can you hear me she will meaner than a wet cat and that energy had to be directed somewhere so when you put a talkative child together with crazy it in hell you get some broken pieces and everybody knew that my grandmother was abusing me but they were scared of her cuz she was crazy as hell and back then you didn't people didn't go to the psychiatric of mental illness was you know that's just not something you talked about you didn't talk about it it was the alligator and it was you didn't talk about it you just hopefully it would go away would enough father John's and castor-oil the person would fry an egg right mine I'll poop out some of the craziness so I grew up believing that people who loved me treated me bad people who love me beat me people who love me dismiss denounced and denied me and that the other people who knew they were doing that since they love me too they didn't say anything about it and that was a pathology that I grew up with it was a broken piece so when I become older and and I in and out of relationships with men who were dishonest men who dishonored me men who beat me because it was my pathology and from that pathology grew a pattern of behavior that I had now here's the piece that's so exciting this is good news yeah you can be successful and be crazy as hell hey I mean you don't have to wait till you get it fixed you could be successful rich wealthy and crazy as hell just like me but I didn't know we don't know because these are patterns that we've grown up with these are pathologies that are etched into our being when I found myself in relationship with a married man I didn't know that my mother was the other woman I didn't know so these pathologies come to life whether you have conscious knowledge and awareness of them or not I know I didn't realize until I was thirty years old that my father never came home at night he just didn't I where was he I don't know he won't my husband's I couldn't ask and I grew up in that children are seen and not heard and experienced son I didn't ask where my father was but I married men who didn't come home at night and it was normal it was the pathology but I developed into a pattern of behavior yeah I I and I thought I was okay but when you have a real serious earnest effort and desire to have peace old life will give it to you but in order to get to the peace you've got to go through the pathologies so y'all know I was very successful right I was I really was and and I was I'm really good at what I do that has not changed that's God's grace you're the second and and the good thing is that there was a there was a place in me that when it came to me doing my work whether it was a workshop or a lecture or writing a book or counseling or coaching somebody that I could drop right out of craziness into God right out but out of grace thank you God thank you God yeah and and so that made the craziness a little harder to detect and when I'm when I said crazy I mean for me anything that's not pieces crazy that's just my definition you have to come up with y'all so I was very successful and I outlived the pathologies that I had inherited the pathology of poverty I outlived that the pathology of not being educated I live that the pathology of working hard and receiving very little I live that the pathology of servitude I live that the pathology of addiction what my mother was an alcoholic my brother was a cross addicted to drugs and now I outlive that the pathology of moving from day to day with no vision I outlive that so here I have outlived all of this stuff and I'm out here on my own with no model no example no demonstration no support making it up as I go alone in my head without adult supervision but you have to make peace with your pieces so so so the first thing for me was my television show let's just go on and talk about it I used to watch it too child I had a very clear vision for what I wanted my television show to be and I had a very divine opportunity to grow it and develop it by working with Miss Oprah Winfrey but because I had broken pieces because I thought I was in control an opportunity presented itself in front of me and I began to doubt myself it's real simple an opportunity presented itself in front of me and it required me to do one or two things say yes or say no and I said maybe because I doubted myself I doubted myself it's a poison and it's a pathology and it's a pattern that many of us particularly women get into we get it right here and then we fall into doubt because we get caught up in us what we can see what we can hear what somebody else has done or did or told us you get it right here yeah and it's so clear and so powerful and so strong but if there's one iota of anything or anyone that doesn't agree with you we'll stop backpedaling because we we like to be right as women don't we we like to be right yeah it's like being wrong it's almost a fatal disease or something like it a drop will die on the spot if we have to say I was wrong you know so if we look around and anybody challenges us it will give up what we believe so here is one of the things that I learned on my journey to peace I don't need your agreement I'm asking for your support I need you're not gonna get people to agree with what you know in here cuz they don't know that Dane in there never judge your clarity based on somebody else's response when you clear your clear head to your clarity and if people look like they doubt you close your eyes so I doubted myself and I went into agreement arrangement relationship really is what it was with people that had an agenda for me that I didn't know about it's just that simple now you've got to be real powerful to act your dysfunction out on television you know said everybody else just be activated to just function out in the house on the projects I got to go on national television to act out my dysfunction I'm not being able to take a stand for myself why because I came from a pathology we're taking a stand for yourself was dangerous you would get beat down told to sit down shut up go you getting it now how the pathology starts to show up so they didn't have my vision they didn't support my vision the people that produced the show and still and still I got to have my dream funded by Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse spent ten million dollars funding my vision in that gray yeah buena vista that's Mickey Mouse ten million dollars I got a ten million dollar education in television production and how to stand for your vision see that's how you find peace from your broken pieces I'd have to be on television but that lesson will last me for the rest of my life when you have a vision stand for it stand in it stand with it even if it means you have to stand by yourself peace from broken pieces so now here I come off national television saving the world see see people are just upset now because of this economic crisis and stuff well this I'm talking 2001 yeah and one day I was employed as a talk show host for Boyden Vista and the next day I wasn't now can I tell you something when you lose your job as a talk show host you can't collect unemployment okay you can't collect unemployment they not you can't go down to the unemployment office and they say what what I was a talk show host you you can't collect unemployment so I'm on Monday on Friday I was a Blaine of us a talk show hosts making 1.7 million dollars a year and on Monday I was unemployed I don't think you'll get to profundity or what I just said on Friday now listen Claire called closely now listen closely on Friday okay on Friday the day after Thursday okay two days after Wednesday I was a talk show host for Wayne Avista ABC the television network the people that bring you the view making 1.7 million dollars it was broken down into payments okay it was broken down into payments I don't want you all to think that they had just gave me the 1.7 million dollars I had to earn it out over time mc4 wait a minute let me just back up let me back put a little bit fifteen years early I was on welfare living in the projects it's Friday I'm making 1.7 million dollars do you know the level of brain fly that occurs from welfare in the projects to 1.7 million dollars I mean really with no preparation whatsoever cuz like on Monday I was you know I was doing okay I wasn't struggling or nothing but I won't make it no 1.7 million dollars and then on Friday I had to rate the the TV show making one point sent me know now it's Friday I got the TV show I'm making one points that me and alright it's Monday I'm unemployed good do you really understand the profundity of what I just said so it kicked up all kind of stuff I had been unemployed before I know how to be unemployed I know how to be poor I know how to do that I know how to make potato soup lima beans with smoked turkey wings I know how to take one box of jiffy and make a whole pan of cornbread and your brother and I'm bus fire is like corn toast I know how to do all of that you understand I was still driving a Honda I ain't had no first no diamonds no nothing but I was unemployed from being on national television this is a problem so I just had to take my little self somewhere sit down and figure it all out and when I discovered was is that that woman who was on welfare never believed that I deserved to be on television anyway and she was best friends with the voices of the family members who told me I would never be anything and how dare I outlive them how dare I live beyond that pathology how dare I live beyond that pattern I had to blow my life up when you live beyond where you believe you need to be should be can be eventually you'll blow it up now it looks like oh they just cancel the contract it looks like Oh something is shifting it looks like there's an economic downturn but the reality is there's something in you in us when you live beyond where you think you should be you gonna blow your life up so I blew my life up a blown-up life is a good thing because you get to sift in two pieces because you know some of us build this wonderful life up on broken fragmented pieces but we put a nice coat of paint on it hang some pretty curtains spray it burn some incense and attain a peace sign on it and have everybody convinced it's okay but if you walk up in there and you spend any time inside that structure that life that relationship that job you said wait a minute this is not what it appears to be how many of us are walking around one way and we are not who we appear to be but what I learned is that it wasn't conscious it wasn't conscious I wasn't trying to be a fraud I wasn't trying to be somebody that I wasn't but I was living on a pathology that I had inherited that I didn't even know about I didn't even know about because I moved from experience to experience situation to situation relationship to relationship man to man job to job whatever to whatever without taking a breath without looking back and saying who now what was that that was special hmm until until you know God loves us and life is just so wonderful that life will bring you what you need even though you don't know you need it and you know when it come and you don't think you needed it'll start whipping up on you and you're like why am I going through this you need it baby I don't need this yes you do sit right down you need it you're gonna go through this and you won't come out better on the other side no I'm gonna die on my die we're just going and died and you're going to die be resurrected go on life will always bring us what we need and what it brought me was the end of a 37 year relationship in and out in and out in and out 37 years married it twice you know I was in special ed I didn't get the lesson you know here I come to graduation I my shoes is on the wrong feet shirt button upside down I'll come to graduate up in special ed mm-hmm but what I've learned is that when life removes something from you it's not helpful to go chase it down and get it back if it's good it's just not helpful and it could be kind of dangerous to look to go chase it down and get it back yeah yeah you know and and even if you don't chase it down sometime it'll just show up again you know and we think it oh it must be mine and came back oh yes it's for me again this is not what I've learned I want to spray it first let me see how you stand up under this uh huh let me spray this thing and get the germs off it mm-hmm so that's what I did yeah it went away came back and I didn't spray it yeah just took it in dusted it off called it something that it wasn't you know it's funny thing about really wanting something whether that thing is a dream or an experience or a person really really wanting it and how you make up stories about what it would be like to have it those stories can become so pathological in your own thinking until when the thing shows up you think it's what you thought it was and you can't even see what it is you gotta have some spray you gotta have some show me your true color spray just spray it see what happens if it starts to shrink down just run screwed even I'll sweep it off your doorstep you know but it's really about just being clear about who you are and what matters to you and what you really want and sometimes when we tell ourselves that we really want something and we really have to have something even when that thing is hurting us or dishonouring us we've convinced ourselves in this pathology that has created the disease in the first place has leads us into patterns of behavior that we will continue to hold on to this thing that's burning us stinging us dishonouring us this whatever it is oh you get clear so anything that we think we have to have that we think we we have to do the universe is saying to us that think again baby think again I got something else for you you just got to be able to make it on the broken pieces until I take you to where you need to be hold on you can make it on the broken pieces if you stop telling yourself stories that really are true about who you are and what it is that you need just hold on to this broken pieces that I've provided for you and stop being a terrorist you know I go through the airport Navy look it up in my underwear they go find no terrorists in there but if they could peek into my mind for one minute they would see al Qaeda t-shirts on sale oh my god can I tell lies myself oh my god in my own head I don't have to open my mouth I'll just be sitting there looking pretty and the terrorist attack is betting a girl look at him look I looking at you what you gonna do you know well wait a minute you know you got that thing you got a dude you gotta go they in because that's the pathology that's what we've learn don't show your feelings don't talk about how you feel don't tell what's going on don't ask for help don't let nobody nobody will gonna do crazy so I've got all of this going on in my mind cuz I've lost my job and my relationship was falling apart and whatever stories I had made up about that forgetting to hold on to the broken pieces well you know if you insist on acting cute instead of gourd somewhere sit yourself down and have a good prayer and a cup of tea life will just keep on coming okay yeah I got something for you okay cuz you obviously ain't getting this you need to sit down I got something for you so September 11th everybody knows that day cause it was a big terrorist day in the world which is really just a function of half the terror that goes on in our minds on any given day you know um it diagnosed my daughter is having this very rare form of colon cancer Oh I knew when I knew but I just couldn't I just couldn't know that I just couldn't know it I just couldn't know it I couldn't know it and I didn't want to know it because beyond Oprah and the books and the contract and the television and the fancy clothes and the shoes heart I'm just a mommy I'm just a mommy and so she was my best friend really she she's the reason I look nice because she taught me how to dress not to mix my metals and um that I should never go shopping for a hook-up only an outfit don't go don't go buy no hookup she used to say so for 15 months I watched her fight for her life and when you've been on Oprah and you've had your own television show and you've traveled to every country in the world and when you have eight point six million books in print and when people recognize you in Walmart and Target and Sam's Club and when you get letters from people telling them how you save their life and how you've helped them and when you've talked to people on the phone and and they've told you how you've helped them in and when and when you've really given your life to God and that's God to use you as a vessel to help people all over the world regardless of who they are where they come from and what they do and when you have some modicum of success in that area and you watch your child fight for your life you just can't feel good about yourself you just can't cuz I would have sold all y'all down the river for a nickel to save my child not a bad thought to have as a priestess and a minister and it's really not helpful to sell your fans away like that I really don't care I don't care I would take back every word I ever wrote every soul I ever saved every person that I ever held every TV show every gown I've ever worn everything I've ever just to save my child and so I had to affirm life with her because I was a mummy and I had to affirm life for her despite what I knew and I had to live in a place of dishonesty because I was her mom and there was no way I could tell her what I knew that I didn't want to know and so I stood with her for six 15 months um and whatever she wanted to do we did there were days when she was very very mad at me and days when she didn't like me and much in days when she was so clear about who she was and who I was and who she wasn't in who I wasn't and she would speak it and it was very very hard for me to hear sometimes because I just wanted to save her life and she it was a fight she had to fight for herself and so 10 18 Christmas morning 2003 she took her last breath in a house that she owned in a bed that she bought surrounded by people who loved her and I realized in that moment that it was an answer to a prayer because her prayer throughout it all was that she wanted to be closer to God and whatever it was required for her to be closer to God she was willing to do that and when I heard her take that last breath it's a breath that I've heard before and it's you know where it's just I heard it when the 15 year old got shot at my feet on 54th Street in Philadelphia because they stole his sneakers and shot him and he fell at my feet and I bowed down and I prayed with him and I heard and and I heard it in the hospital when one of my students who was didn't make it through a very bad bout of leukemia and I bent down to pray in her ear and when she finished I said I finished I heard her and then on that Christmas morning my do me and my precious jewel my baby that I brought into the world said it don't matter that you've been on Oprah in that moment it don't matter that people love you all over the world in that moment it doesn't matter that your husband left you for somebody that you know in that moment if you are mom or dad or grandma it doesn't matter what you think you know in that moment in that moment you see you know you feel you experience the presence of God in that moment there was so much peace there was so much peace there were 21 of us in the room my entire staff my husband my best friend and it was peace because she lived her life in peace because she lived her life in love hers was a gentle passing because even though I didn't know it at the time I had broken many and passed on some of the pathologies of our family so I I pursued that peace I buried my child I was divorced by my husband I lost my mind I lost my mind thank God because it wasn't working that way it really wasn't I lost my mind I got into bed January 4th after we buried her and I stayed there until June and in there while I was in the bed I read her Diaries her journals I learned so much about her that I didn't know I learned so much about me that I didn't know she knew I learned so much about love and power and I learned the importance of peace so when I got out of the bed in June I went to film starting over cuz I was starting over and I saw every single of my family pathologies played out in those women and I had an opportunity to be present with them in a different way see that's the thing but when you get the lesson the opportunity again do it different don't do the same stupidness it's not helpful really it isn't so I had an opportunity with those women didn't heat did any of you ever see starting over yeah camp and Jill and Joanie and yeah yeah yeah every single one of my pathologies and I knew my time at starting over was over when I saw Rachel remember Rachel Rachel was the one whose mother died and she came to the starting over Houston she didn't know her father and I was very very clear as soon as I heard the story this is my granddaughter this is my granddaughter her mother has died and she's not in good relationship with her father this is my granddaughter and I have to know what to do with this so in serving Rachel I was real clear that I was serving my near moja and one to Rachel laughs I knew my lesson was over and I could go I could go back home because I needed to raise my granddaughter and I needed to be sure that the pathology was not passed on to her I needed to be sure that I was for her who nobody was for me I was I had to be sure that the pattern you see my mother died and my mother's mother died and now I had an opportunity to have a girl child whose mother had died and to be for her who nobody else had been in my line that was mine that was my mission it didn't matter if I wrote another book or didn't or did another TV show or didn't know it didn't matter none of that mattered didn't matter didn't matter that my husband was gone it didn't matter it didn't matter so I had an opportunity with those women did any did any of you ever see starting over yeah Kemp and Jill and Jodi and yeah yeah yeah every single one of my pathologies and I knew my time at starting over was over when I saw Rachel remember hm Rachel was the one whose mother died and she came to the starting over house and she didn't know her father and I was very very clear as soon as I heard the story this is my granddaughter this is my granddaughter her mother has died and she's not in good relationship with her father this is my granddaughter and I have to know what to do with this so in serving Rachel I was real clear that I was serving my near moja and one to Rachel laughs I knew my lesson was over and I could go I could go back home because I needed to raise my granddaughter and I needed to be sure that the pathology was not passed on to her I needed to be sure that I was for her who nobody was for me I was I had to be sure that the pattern you see my mother died and my mother's mother died and now I had an opportunity to have a girl child whose mother had died and to be for her who nobody else had been in my life that was my that was my mission if it didn't matter if I wrote another book or didn't or did another TV show or didn't nor it didn't matter none of that mattered didn't matter didn't matter that my husband was gone it didn't matter it didn't matter so I went I did starting overnight I got what I needed and I came home and I pursued getting custody of my granddaughter and one day I was in prayer and meditation and I had this incredible vision see this is why you'll have to buy the book so that you can get all of the digital pieces of it and NC and I had this incredible vision and I saw this beautiful woman and I don't know yes I see visions and I hear voices and i in shame okay and you be reading about it too who read the value in the valley visions and voices I put him right down the pole this ain't nothing new so so I had this vision of this woman and she said to me ah she said thank her thank her she took away 17 generations of women who were abused by men thank her thank her that she walked the path in the journey so that you didn't have to do it because you have work to do it was an agreement between your soul and her soul that this is what she would do that she would clean the way and pave the way for her daughter and her daughter's daughter 17 generations of women and then she began with my mother Sarah and Elizabeth and Naomi and Ruth and Ayana and ma booty and Lady and ho Khanna and Jamaa C and toda and Ayanna and IOC and Karima and kamati and Joe and Yanni that my daughter gave her life to clear 17 generations of women so that's weird mm-hmm even for me okay but when I started to look and I immediately ran to ancestry.com and started looking out my family lineage because my mother's name was Sarah and her mother's name was Elizabeth and her mother's name was Naomi and I didn't know any further back than that so I'm assuming with all the six billion people in the planet what is the likelihood that I would be the wooden meditator and the spirit would just pass by on the way to McDonald's and lay out my family lineage for me why would I choose to disbelieve it rather than to believe it but the other part of it is it brought me peace to know that my daughter didn't die because I was a bad mother and she didn't die because bad things happen to good people it brought me peace to know that there really is a spiritual rhyme and reason even when I can't see it and when I don't understand it that it is going on it brought me peace to know that it was her choice to choose me as a mother to come through my body into this family and to choose to break the cycle of dysfunction deep let go in the deep box so I came back from starting over to a mess because my daughter was diagnosed in 2002 and I was crazy and she passed in the end of 2003 and I was crazy and I told you all I was sleep from January to June we now into 2004 and then I went to do starting over and I came back and I stayed there to 2006 and then I came back and and I really enjoy a rapture I forgot to file taxes oh let me just let me just fill him out take him down super here mr. IRS person I was crazy I I was crazy I I was suffering and here here they are here would you like these yes okay yep see ya and what had really happened was I had bought a building and I hadn't renovated the building because everything kind of erupted I had bought a building and I owe the IRS the exact amount of money that I paid for my building so I didn't have the money to pay them and they put me on a payment plan and you know hey listen I owe the IRS taxes and not because I just didn't pay my taxes but because I was crazy but to them I just didn't pay my taxes you know and so um I tried to work things out with them but they can really be nasty I don't think I like them and I'm real clear they don't like me yeah and I had a really good lawyer and everything and and so they said well you know we'll work out something with you but uh you know you've got to pay us and my accountant figured out how I could discharge some of the back taxes because they were old I could discharge them and we did that and that really made them quite disturbed they were very upset with me and so uh and then they said oh well you know we won't negotiate with you as long as you have that house what what do you mean my house I'm the first property owner in my family I broke a pathology I came out of an apartment on I owned a house and it wasn't an ostentatious else it was really a loss it was really nice it was very nice and when I did was paint a little bit of money for it and put a lot of money in it so it was the bomb diggity you know I had everything just like I wanted ladies can you imagine having your dream kitchen I had my doing kitchen yeah I have one dream floor had my dream curtains and they wanted it how many bombs would it take to get rid of God no it's not spiritually Yama and I also had they didn't get it because I actually had one of those crazy mortgages where I had this balloon payment that was due and nobody would refinance the mortgage that I needed to build a so bottom line I ended up losing my house well actually I didn't lose my house God took the house back to make room for something else so here we go now I'm off the Gnostic TV contract the husband the kid not a house only thing I hadn't lost with that extra 15 pounds on my father that will go in nowhere why don't you go back go lift me you know broken pieces broken pieces each one of them has a meaning each one of them is calling us to a higher way of being broken pieces of our relationships I kept marrying my father was a broken piece broken pieces of our self-image I was raised from here to there I never really understood and knew what it meant to be a woman and what a woman's role was and what her job was I didn't know what it meant to mother or be mothered and I had taught myself and I had learned and I really didn't learn until I read my daughter's dire journals and she really shared with me her experience of my mothering it was a broken piece broken pieces of how we pull things together and hold on to things that we think we need I didn't need that house I'm so glad I got rid of that house they took it thank you because later year later the market crashed I probably would have ended up losing it anyway it was a broken piece it was built it was fruit of a poisonous tree it wasn't that I loved it or needed it or wanted it it gave me a sense of value and meaning that really had nothing to do with who I was it was a broken piece so here I sit today I'll let you read the other details at peace just at peace and and able to stand in the story that's how you know you're at peace when you can stand fully in your story without any excuses without any judgement without any heat stand fully in your story this is what it is this is who I am this is what I did this is what happened and tada tada and and you know it's not about telling the story you know for shock value or four or four news it's about telling it so that you can see what part of it still resonates upset in your being and that's the part you have to go in and that's the part you have to heal when I discovered that my love of 40 years was marrying or in relationship with somebody that I knew when her husband was dying I prayed for her i sat with her and this was the woman that he is whisperer but then it didn't matter it didn't matter my peoples with her or you he went with me so that was the point and so I'm driving along I'm driving home one day I'm driving home out to my empty house that I was getting ready to lose and I'm driving home I mean can you imagine job gone man gone I mean it was really it was very it was very interesting and still people will call us we want you to come speak me I can't even find my lips so I'm driving along home and garden while I'm driving along home and I knew I knew the one thing that I had to do about it all I knew the TV show and and and Buena Vista and and and bar wall productions and Oprah and and my husband and everybody in I knew the one thing that I had to do was to forgive I should take it to peace that's your key to peace I don't care what you do you can skate around you can dance around all you want but eventually you gonna come right back to forgiveness yeah yeah yeah you got you got to do it and so you know I like things to move quick I'm a Virgo I'm a mercury person i'll okay let's get I got it let's get it over with but give you yes come on let's work it out let's let's just forgive that wasn't working wasn't working cuz you know the truth is I didn't really want to forgive mmm I wanted revenge payback or at the very least my house I knew I couldn't have my daughter back and I was you know my pride wouldn't let me want him back we could at least have House job a little contract something oh my god so I had to forgive so I'm driving along home and I'm driving along in my card uh just not particularly thinking about anything and not forgiving anybody on this particular day you know just being kind of blanking mine dead and face and just began to weep wait wait wait wait weeba weeba weeba uh-huh and you know God loves me and God knows that I have challenges so God says the Holy Spirit said to me boo pull over it really is not helpful for you to run into a tree or another pillow pull the car over baby just pull a car over toppling over I'm sitting clang cuz I'm happy I'm happy don't feel happy I really I was like wow yeah I do I'm just a piece which is that piece I've got joy I've got joy I've got joy I've got joy yeah and I can I heard the the spirits say yes and you're in love I said I am with who with her huh the best wicks tae-ho ish then I realized yeah I did love her because she made him happy when you really really love somebody you want them happy whether their which you or not and she made him happy when I didn't she made him happy when it wasn't important to me for him to be happy I was so busy trying to heal and fix my own cell I loved her because she put a smile on his face cuz I was driving flying around trying to heal y'all leaving my husband at home by yourself and it made it miserable right and she put a smile on his face I loved her for that I loved her because she gave him a place to be when I wasn't home but they did theirs not my business but I loved him and so I had to love her and because I had forgiven my heart was just open and in that moment I was just in love and I loved me because I never gave up on myself and I loved me because I could look at me my good my bad my mistakes I loved me because I wasn't afraid to say Yamla you need to work on that I loved me because there were people in my life who loved me who knew that there I had rough edges people like to me oh my daughter people like my prayer partners like Reverend Andrew yet shahira Rayna Bundy people like Blanche Richardson Blanche Richardson wrote me a note on October 23rd 2006 and the title of that note was you arianna I still have that note I loved me and I loved her so there on the side of the road I learned the power of forgiveness and it was there that day sometime in 2007 and I knew I had to write this book and I had to stand transparent before the world but somebody has to be a demonstration to us that who you are just as you are and no matter where you are is okay and that you can take those pieces of where you are right now and have peace with them somebody and if it has to be me oh well oh joy Oh rapture has to be a demonstration that we're not put in to suffer and that so many of these things that we demand and that we require we don't need at all that this is a journey that this is a process that this beautiful thing that we call life then we make it far more difficult than it has to be I came up that beautiful great big house that I had put hundreds of thousands of dollars in you know and I I now I live on thirty acres of land and I have a raccoon who lays out and on my front lawn and squirrels and deer and Fox and a sweat lodge and I am I've seen all the law and order reruns and I love Project Runway and I've scrapbook now I scrapbook I make scrapbooks and I don't sell them because we have a tendency that everything we're good at we turn it into a money-making venture I make scrapbooks because I love it and I'm really really good at it and I make soap my father was a herbalist my grandmother was an herbalist and I learned about herbs when I was very young and it's something I've never put to use and so now I cultivate herbs I buy herbs I bake them I cook them I mashed them with my own hands as I pray over them and I pray over the water and jamia wasn't aromatherapist and she left me all the formulas for her products and so I make soap and everybody wants me to sell it all over the world you know but you know what I bring it with me wherever I am and if you want to buy some you can and if you don't oh well because the love and the joy I put in there I can't mass market it and I won't and I'm at peace and I still look good you got a right to have peace in your life all right and it means that you've got to look at all of the good that you are the good that you have the good that you've done and celebrate it and don't wait for anybody else to tell you that it was enough or that it wasn't enough it's celebrate celebrate you and what you've learned and what you know and who you are what you have in what you don't have and what you gave up and what you look you got a right to a Speas you got a reason you got a reason to have peace because stress makes you ugly I mean I could give you something to let me play sound if you choose but I never heard nobody running anyplace to get ugly you have a reason to be a piece just to stay looking good and feeling good you know it do some Zumba yeah come out and be a piece and you have a responsibility a responsibility to be a demonstration for peace in the world look at our world look at our children look look at our sister women look at our man wait where's the peace where is where's the peace and it's not something we can wish for it's not something that we can just speak about you know you've got to know the process there's a process to it and so my reason now for doing what I do in the world is to teach people to process a piece I want to share that and I don't care if I'm on television I don't care if I'm on the radio I don't care if ten people show up or two people show up I want to teach people the process of peace so I'm going to be doing that Monday for the heart and soul center of light Reverend Andrea church sharing with you some of the little things that I've learned about eliminating your pathologies or identifying them and moving to a place of peace I hope some of you will come out and join me on Monday where we going to be somewhere the Hilton Garden Inn in Emeryville and what time 7:00 p.m. but there's something else that I want you to do for me in the middle of all of the wonderful experience that I was having the other thing that happened when I lost the television show I lost my contract with Simon & Schuster Simon should have been my publisher for 20 years but things are changing you know things are changing and and that they no longer needed an author of my caliber because the genres had changed and people were buying books differently just as they are now you know pretty soon we're not going to have hard books anymore you know it's gonna be the Kindle and the iPad which you know I guess we want because we're buying them and we're doing that and so I'm with a new publisher now Smyly books a division of Hay House and which is headed by my very dear friend Tavis Smiley and so Tabitha gave me a contract when the big people didn't want me that's really good but I'm also real clear that contracts are also a form of slavery I don't care what kind of contract it is I can't look you in your face and we can't make a deal and we can't move forward just on our word then we don't need to be doing business so piece from broken pieces will be out on November 15th and the copy the cover price of the book is $24.99 but Amazon is selling it for 1647 can you imagine what that does to a place like Marcus books I just have to tell you the truth you know we've become so technologically you know savvy but we forget what we give up in the process I want to ask you a favor I want you to buy your book for Marcus and for that difference from the 1647 to the $24.99 I will give you a signed book plate I will sign it I mean most you probably have my autograph anyway but whatever I don't know what do you want me to you want me to do a lap dance what do you want what do you want me to do what I just want you to to go out there and buy it pre purchase your copy of peace for broken pieces I'll sign the books that you have I'll do that huh and a lap dance yeah half down with the left I took a pole dancing class what you better take one I know how to do it yes it's the skirt it's the skirt it's fun hey knife is fun right you know what they gonna throw the same dirt in my face if I live here having no fun as theirs whenever I have some fun that there's no there's no special dirt for old end of the goodness these are the they live the good life people give them some special dirt no you know I have a good heart I have a phenomenal relationship with God I have people that love me people I love so imma get the same dirt okay so I want you to buy your book for Marcus I want I want us to understand what's going on here in the world and I'm I'm with all for sale you understand but even as the author of the book I pay $15 for the book Amazon charges me $15 and so that's my request to you what else do I want you to know it's been a hell of a ride and I think I'm just starting to have fun I want you to have some fun too don't be afraid to look at your patterns and your pathologies no matter how old you are because we've got to make way for the next generation some of the stuff that we suffered through suffer with suffer in we need to eliminate it you can be the one to heal it you can be the one to lift it up you can be the one to clear it you understand you can be the one and it doesn't require anything of you that you don't already have what else do I want you to know I want you to know that I love you I love you and there's absolutely nothing you can do piece from broken pieces available everywhere Smyly books you

Channel: Jennifer Whitmarsh

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Length: 88min 58sec (5338 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 30 2015