Alright, no peeking. No peeking. No peeking.
No peeking! Alright, alright, but you'd
better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes. Alright.
Open your eyes. Sweet mother of all
that is good and pure. Huh? "Days of Our Lives"
picked up my option. - Congratulations!
- I know. Now we can finally watch
"Green Acres" the way
it was meant to be seen. Uh-huh. So, uh.. ...which one is mine? Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. Not that one. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah,
that's the stuff. - Do we dare?
- We dare. - Ah.
- Ah. - Aah..
- Aah.. [telephone ringing] - Hello.
- Hey, it's me. It's Chandler!
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. [muffled]
I'm stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre. What? [muffled]
I'm stuck.. ...in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre. I have no idea
what you just said. Put Joey on the phone! What's up, man? [muffled]
I'm stuck.. ...in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre. Oh, my God! He's trapped
in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Chandler, listen, listen! [mumbling] Yeah, like that thought
never entered my mind. Happy New Year! [cheering] You know, I, uh, just thought
I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz,
but I do believe there are three girls
and three guys right here. Mwah. Mwah. Oh, I don't feel like
kissing anyone tonight. Well, I can't kiss anyone. So I'm kissing everyone? Oh, no, no. You can't kiss Ross. - That's your brother.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's
getting kissed but me. Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me!
It's midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Somebody kiss me! It's midnight! - It's already..
- Alright, alright, alright. There. [instrumental music] So, uh.. ...what are you
watching? "Baywatch." What's it about? Lifeguards. Well, it sounds
kind of stup.. Who's she? (Joey)
'Nicole Eggert.' We like her. Wow, look at them run. Yeah...they do that a lot. 'Hey, you want a beer?' - Yeah. I'll go get one.
- No, no, don't get up. I got a cooler
right here. - Hey.
- 'Hi.' Oh, ah!
What are you doing? I thought you were gonna take
her back to the store today. I did, but the store
wouldn't take her back. So then I took her
to the shelter and you know what I found out? If they can't find a home
for her, they kill her. And I'm not gonna let that
happen to Little Yasmine. Okay, good, good, good,
'cause.. Good, 'cause I was kind of
having second thoughts too. Okay, and it's not
just chicks, you know. It's all kinds
of other animals. That's horrible. Well, you did the right thing,
man. Thanks. I'm glad
you see it that way. [duck quacking] Oh-ho, funny story. Hey, you. Well, he's just adorable. Well, can you tell him that? Because...he thinks
he looks too pink. So what are you guys
out doing today? Oh, we're not out.
No, no. 'No.' We're just, uh,
two heterosexual guys hanging with the son
of our other heterosexual friend doing the usual
straight guy stuff. - You done?
- Yeah. Oh, there's our stop. Get out of here.
This is our stop. You guys live
around here, too? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure,
we live in the building by the uh...sidewalk. You know it? Hey, look,
since we're neighbors and all what do you say we, uh.. ...get together
for a drink? So, uh, you want to go
to Markel's? Oh, sure.
They love us over there. Hey, where's your baby? Ben! Ben! Oh, my God! (Joey)
'What?' - Are you alright?
- Yeah. What happened? Aw, man. He promised
he wouldn't take the chairs! What the hell happened?
How were you locked in? And where the hell
is all of our stuff? Well, this guy came by
to look at the unit and, and he said he
didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man. So...you got in
voluntarily? I was trying
to make a sale! Oh, man,
if I ever run into that guy again,
y-you know what I'm gonna do? Bend over? Joey! No Joey! No Joey! No Joey! - Joey!
- What's going on? You're it. Now, run and hide. It's no big deal.
Chandler was just kissing me. 'Cause he thought
I was Mary Angela. What? How could you do that? How could you think
she was Mary Angela? I wasn't sure which
one Mary Angela was. [gasping] Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I was really drunk. And you guys all
look really similar. - I say, punch him, Joey.
- Yeah! No, you know what?
We should all calm down. Because, you know, your
brother's not gonna punch me. Oh, yeah? Well, that's usually
what I would do but...I just never
thought you'd be on the receiving end of it.
How could you do this? Joey, if you want
to punch me, go ahead. I deserve it. But, I just want you
to know that I would never soberly hurt
you or your family. You're my best friend. I would never do anything
like this ever again. So what? - I say punch him.
- Yeah! No, no, no.
I'm not gonna punch Chandler. - I'll do it.
- No, you won't. Look, he knows he did a terrible
thing and I believe him. He's sorry. But you got one more
apology to make. Alright? You got to apologize
to Mary Angela. - Okay. Absolutely. You got it.
- Alright. - Cookie, now you can punch him.
- What? Alright, look, if you're not
gonna stay for me then at least stay for them. Okay. They've had a very
difficult year. What with the robbery and all. When that guy was robbing us and I was locked in
the entertainment unit for like six hours do you know what I was doing
in there all that time? I was thinking about
how I let you down. - Wow!
- Yeah. But if I had known what kind
of friend you're gonna turn out to be, I wouldn't
have worried about it so much. - See you around.
- Alright, wait. Come on, wait,
just wait one second. There has to be something
that I can do. Something. If we still had that
entertainment unit I would get in there
for six hours and think about
how I let you down. - What?
- We got a box. Okay, buddy boy,
here it is. You hide my clothes,
I'm wearing everything you own. Oh, my God! That is so not the opposite
of taking somebody's underwear! Look at me!
I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing
any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't
going commando.. [groaning] Yeah. Whoo! I tell you, it's hot
with all this stuff on. I, uh, I better not do
any, I don't know, lunges. So, uh...you want
me to, uh, give you a hand with the
foosball table? Nah.
You keep it. You need the practice. Thanks. So.. ...I guess this is it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I guess so. Listen, uh.. ...I don't know when
I'm going to see you again. Well, I'm guessing, uh,
tonight at the coffee house. Right. Yeah.
Okay. Uh...take care. Yeah. [instrumental music] Hey, this is a little
extra something for, uh, you know,
always being there for me. Wow, I don't
know what to say. Wow, I-I don't
know what to say. - Well, what do you say?
- I don't know. - It's a bracelet.
- Isn't it? And it's engraved too.
Check it out. "To my best bud." Thanks, best bud. Oh, no. [keys jingling] You gotta be.. May I help you? Why doesn't my key work
and what's all my stuff doing downstairs? Oh, I'm,
I'm sorry. Uh-uh-uh. Have we met? It's Eddie, you freak,
your roommate. I'm sorry, I, uh.. ...I already have a roommate. Hello. Yeah. He's lived here for years. I don't...I don't know
what you're talking about, man. No, no, no, 'cause, uh.. No, he...he moved out.. ...and I moved in. Well, I...I think we'd remember
something like that. I know I would. Oh, that's a...
that's a good point. Um...okay. Wow. I guess I got
the wrong...apartment then. I'm...look, I'm...you know,
I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. - Hey, no problem.
- See ya. Hey, remember when she
brought up that thing about, you know,
the three of us? Yes, vividly. She was kidding
about that, right? Yeah, I-I think so. Yeah, I-I think so. God, it'd be weird
if that situation presented itself tonight, uh? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, uh.. ...what-what would we do? Dude, I don't know. [chuckles] - She was kidding.
- Yeah. She was.. Well, you know what, just in
case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules. Yeah. For sure. Okay. Probably want the first one
to be, never open your eyes. You know, because you don't
wanna be doing something.. ...and then look up, right? And see something that
you don't want to be seeing. - You know?
- Yeah. Good call. Nice.
Hold it! Hold it! What if my eyes
are closed and.. ...and my hand is out there.. Ah! Okay,
eyes open at all times. Oh, hey, how do we decide
where we.. [clears throat]
...you know, each would.. ...you know...be? Right. Right. Well, uh,
you know, we could flip for it. Yeah, I guess. But, like,
what's heads and what's tails? Well, if you don't know that then I don't wanna
do this with you. Yo, paisan. (Chandler)
'Can I talk to you
for a sec?' Your tailor
is a very bad man. Frankie? What
are you talking about? Hey, what's
going on? Joey's tailor.. took advantage of me. What? No way. I've been going to the guy
for 12 years. Oh, come on. He said he was
going to do my inseam. Then he ran his hand
up my leg and then,
there was definite.. What? Cupping. That's how they do pants. First they go up one side,
they move it over then they go up
the other side they move it back,
and then they do the rear. Alright, Chandler,
do something. Come on, do something. I am. I'm ignoring you. Okay, here.
I'm gonna be the on-camera guy. Alright, first stop.. ...Westminster Abbey. - Oh, what the hell is that?
- That's London, baby. Alright, the hotel's here. Wait. No. We want to go.. No. I know. I'm gonna have to go
into the map. Okay, if you see
a little version of me in there kill it. I got it. Here we go. Okay, listen, listen. We're not gonna have
to walk this way the entire time, are we? Shh. Oh, man, you made me lose it. Argh. Oh. You're upset because you think
I chose Ross over you. No, I, knew you could take care
of yourself. You know, I mean Ross,
he needs help. He's not street like us. Come on, when it
comes down to it you would risk your life for
Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line. Well, no, not exactly. Alright, look, I.. I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay. My sandwich was next to Ross. Alright? I was, I was trying
to save my sandwich. From a bullet? Yeah, I know it doesn't
make much sense-- Much sense? Look, Chandler, it was instinct.
Okay? I just went for it. So you risked your life,
for a sandwich? I know it sounds crazy,
but Chandler this is the greatest
sandwich in the world. So you didn't, uh,
choose Ross before me? No.
I would never do that. You-you're like my brother. - Really?
- Yeah. Okay, Ben,
Santa has to go. Say goodbye. No, why does he have to go? Hm-m, because if Santa
and the Holiday...Armadillo are ever in the same
room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas! No, why can't
the Armadillo leave? I want Santa. Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay. Well, I'll stay but only because
I want to hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with
Santa and learn about Hanukkah? Okay, Santa. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. 'Alright.' It's time for
the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago there were these people
called the Maccabees. Merry Christmas! So.. ...I guess
by the powers vested in me by the state of New York
and the internet guys.. ...I now pronounce you
husband and wife. Oh, wait. Do you take each other? - I do.
- I do. Yeah, you do. - Rings.
- Oh, crap. Okay, um.. Uh, uh, let's do the rings. We good?
Yeah? Good? [clears throat] Once again, I pronounce you
husband and wife. Now kiss her again. Oh, hi.
Come on in. I'm Catherine,
the listing agent. Hi, I'm Joey,
this is Chandler. So, how come Richard's
selling the place? Went bankrupt?
Medical malpractice? Choked on his own mustache? Actually, he's buying
a much bigger place. It's got a great view
of Central Park-- Ah, that's enough
out of you. Uh, is there anything we should
know about the apartment? All the appliances
are included. There's a lot of light,
a new kitchen. I think you guys
would be very happy here. [chuckling]
Oh, no, no, no. No! No, no, we're not together.
We're not a couple. - We're definitely not a couple.
- Oh, okay, sorry. Wow, you, uh, you seemed
pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not
good enough for you? We are not going to have
this conversation again. What's going on? I'm sorry. I-I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend
the night with Monica and I-I didn't know..
I didn't think you'd understand. What, you think
I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be
with his wife, huh? You think I'm, like, "duh"? - Joey.
- Yeah? I don't know what to say.
We shouldn't have lied to you. Yeah, I feel so bad. Is there, is there anything
I can do to make it up to you? Yeah, you could go
to the game with me. Even though I know
you said you couldn't. But then you lied to me
and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head. Look, I'm sorry,
that's the one thing I can't do. I promised
I'd be with Monica. Alright. - You can go.
- What? You should go to the game.
It's, it's okay, I want you to. Really?
Y-you gonna be okay? Yeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe
I'll-I'll stay here and practice
the art of seduction. You're gonna put sweats on
and clean, aren't you? It's gonna be so hot. - Okay, bye.
- Thanks. What? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be
a junior copywriter. - Oh, wow! That's great!
- Oh, my God! Congratulations. Oh, sweetie,
I'm so proud of you! Does that mean I get
the good loving tonight? You bet!
No TV or anything. Hey, that is so great
about the job. Thanks man. And I'd like to think I had a
little something to do with it. Really, why? Well, before,
with the wishbone.. I, uh...I didn't wish
we would win the lottery I wished you'd get the job. Oh, yeah?
Listen, don't tell Monica. - She'll rip your heart out.
- Oh, yeah. Hey. Hey, where you been? Oh, just, uh,
you know, looking around. But you know what? This house is great. Really? What changed your mind? Oh, well, the little girl
who lives here made me feel a lot better
about the whole thing. Joey, there was
a little girl who lived here but she died,
like, 30 years ago. What? [laughs]
I'm just messing with you. That's not funny. You know I'm afraid
of little girl ghosts. Joey, now that
you're okay with the house do you wanna go see your room? What? I get my own room? [sighs]
You don't think
we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room, do ya? Oh, my God. Hey. (Joey)
Oh, oh. Sorry about the table, man. Yeah. You gonna buy a new one? Probably not. No. I don't know how much I'm gonna
wanna play after you go. Well, at least we got
these little guys out. - Yeah.
- Oh! We were worried
about you. Hmm. Guess I better get used to
things crapping in my hand, huh? Oh, I'm gonna miss
these little guys. It was nice
having birds around again. Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep
them here with you. - What?
- Yeah. I mean, we've got
a lot going on right now and plus, here,
they'd have their own room. I could get a goose? You know, I think you are set
with the poultry. Thanks man. You hear that, you guys? You're gonna get
to stay here. And-and... ...it's good, you know? 'Cause, uh... 'Cause now you have
a reason to come visit. I think there may be
another reason. So, uh... ...awkward hug or... ...lame, cool-guy handshake? [clears throat]
Yeah, well, you know lame, cool-guy handshake. (together)
Doo-doo-doo-doo!
