- Hey.
- Hey. - 'Where is everybody?'
- They took Ben to the park. Where have you been? Just out. Had some lunch, just me. Little quality time with me. Hey, thanks for your jacket. Oh, it's no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. - Oh, here are your keys, hon.
- 'Thank you.' - Mon?
- Hmm? If, uh, you were at lunch alone,
how come it cost you $53? You know what probably happened? Someone must have
stolen my credit card. And sort of just put the receipt
back in your pocket? Huh. That is an excellent,
excellent question. That is excellent. Monica, what's with you?
Who did you have lunch with? - Judy.
- Who? - Julie.
- What? Jody. You were with Julie? Look. When it started I was just trying
to be nice to her because she was
my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing
led to another and before I knew it,
we were...shopping. Oh! Oh, my God. Look. Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean
anything to me. Yeah. Yeah, right. - Really.
- Sure. Rachel, I was thinking
of you the whole time. Yeah, right. Look. I'm sorry,
alright? I never meant
for you to find out. Oh, please! Please!
You wanted to get caught! That is not true. Oh, so you just sort of happened
to leave it in here? Did it ever occur to you that
I might just be that stupid? Okay, Monica,
I just have to know one thing. [sighs] Did you go with her
to Bloomingdale's? Ohh! Okay. Okay. So what do you say, boys?
Should I call him? [slipper barks] Well, you know what they say.. ...ask your slippers
a question. You're going crazy. [telephone rings] - Hello?
- 'Hey!' Hey! Listen, I'm-I'm sorry
I didn't make it over there today. Oh, that's okay. You, uh...you had a thing. Yeah, well,
I hear the place looks great. Oh, forget about it. I'm having a ball. - How's the apartment doing?
- Oh, hey, it's-it's terrific. I mean, it's a regular space.. ...fest. Oh. Well, great. Yeah, I just.. ...you know, wanted to call
and say hey. Well, okay then. [bell dings] Was that the oven timer? That's right, my friend! 'It's time for..' (both)
"Baywatch!" Oh...can you believe they gave
Stephanie skin cancer? I still can't believe they
promoted her to lieutenant! Oh, you're just saying that
'cause you're in love with Yasmine Bleeth. Well, how could anyone
not be in love with Yasmine Bleeth? Hey! Hey! They're running! (Chandler)
'See, this is the brilliance
of the show!' I say always keep them running. All the time, running. 'Run!' Run! Run, Yasmine!
Run like the wind! But I thought you wanted
to live by yourself. I did.
I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have, like,
time alone with my thoughts but, you know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts
as you'd think. Joey, why don't you talk
to Chandler about moving back? You really think
he'd take me? I mean, we had
a pretty good talk last night but when I moved out,
I hurt him bad. I promise you, he would
definitely want you back. I'm telling you there's no way
he's moving back. But we had
one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean, it was.. ...it was like when we first
started living together. Look, I know you don't want
to hear this right now, but.. ...we've seen him
in his new place, alright and he's happy. He's...he's decorated. Look, Chandler,
he has moved on, okay? - You have to too.
- But-- No, you're just
gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends
now, okay? You're not...
roommates anymore. Alright, no peeking. No peeking. No peeking.
No peeking! Alright, alright, but you'd
better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes. Alright.
Open your eyes. Sweet mother of all
that is good and pure. Huh? "Days of Our Lives"
picked up my option. - Congratulations!
- I know. Now we can finally watch
"Green Acres" the way
it was meant to be seen. Uh-huh. So, uh.. ...which one is mine? Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. Not that one. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah,
that's the stuff. - Do we dare?
- We dare. - Ah.
- Ah. - Aah..
- Aah.. I can't believe two cows
made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch
TV with your feet up. Well they were
chair-shaped cows. They never would have
survived in the wild. This screen is amazing. I mean, Dick Van Dyke
is practically life-size. [all gasping] Rose Marie really belongs on
a smaller screen, doesn't she? - Hi, you guys.
- 'Hey.' Hey, you. Hey, you. - Hey, yo.
- Whoa, hey. So, uh, how was your day? Oh, you know,
pretty much the usual. Uh...sun shining,
birds chirping. Really? Mine too. Hey, cool, mine too. [pager beeping]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum.
So, um.. - I'll see you tonight?
- Okay. Oh. Bye, guys. Well, we did it.
We're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup
of coffee take? Would you come on?
Come on! Thank you. Well, there we go. I think we proved our point. - You burn your mouth?
- Cannot feel my tongue. Bullies. Big bullies. Oh, look who's here. It's the weenies. Did we not make ourselves
clear the other day? Yes, and that's why we're here. Yes. We're standing our ground. Apparently. - Let's do this, already.
- Oh, oh, oh. What do you got,
there? A weapon? It's a nice watch. I don't
want to break it on your ribs. - Huh. Alright, let's do this.
- 'Alright.' Question. If I don't care
about my watch. Can I use it as a weapon? What do you mean? Well, it's sharp.
It's metal. I think I can do some, you know serious damage with it. No, you can't use your watch. Okay. - Or your keys.
- Okay. Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. - 'Alright.'
- Alright. Alright, come on, man! Let's do this already! Before I forget,
are we hitting faces? Of course, we are hitting faces.
Why wouldn't you hit faces? Well, because I have
to work on Monday. I have a big presentation. Actually, you know, uh, I got
to show this apartment tomorrow and, uh, you know,
this no-faces thing might not be a bad idea. Okay. Nothing from the neck up. Alright. Or the waist down. - Dana's ovulating.
- Oh, really? - You guys trying again?
- Yeah. So let me
just get this straight. So, we're strictly talking
about the middle? - Come on!
- Hey! Hey! Whoa! Oh! You want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standing here! Huh? Hey, hey! Those guys
are taking our stuff! Where? Hey! - Get out of the way!
- Look out! Hey! God! That was, that was amazing. That was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt. Us? What about you guys? Man, you really, bing, gave it to ol' Mr. Clean
back there. He was a big guy. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? You know, I wouldn't know,
having missed everything. - Oh!
- Don't do that to yourself. Anyone of us
could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope. So, listen, guys, are we, uh.. ...are we okay here? - We're okay.
- Alright. Okay, so.. ...can I have my hat back? No. Huh. - Hi.
- Hey, Ross. Bah! Hi, Russ. I've just got two
more tables to clean and then we'll go, okay? Okay, I'll just sit
here and, uh.. ...chat with your, uh.. ...friend...type.. ...people. [clears throat] - Rachel.
- Yeah. - Um, hi.
- Hi. Okay, so you know what
you're doing, right? [chuckles]
Waitressing? Well, yeah, but no. I mean, um, okay. Doesn't-doesn't Russ just remind you of someone? Huh? Bob Saget? Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. Oh, oh. - Hi.
- Oh, my, oh. Wha..
What's wrong? I..
Okay. She's just upset because
she, uh, buttered a spider into her toast
this morning. Alright. Listen, Pheebs,
this is gonna be okay. Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross. - Hi.
- Hi. Are you a, uh,
friend of Rachel's? Yes. Yes, I am. Are you a, uh,
a friend of Rachel's? Actually, I'm, uh,
kind of, uh.. ...you know, uh.. ...date...type...thing of Rachel's. - A date?
- Yeah. I'm her date. Oh, oh, you're, uh, you.. Oh, you're the date? You know, this is actually good
because if we ever lose Ross we have a spare. Oh, you are
the uh, paleontologist. Yes. Yes, I am. And you are a.. Periodontist. See, they're
as different as night and.. ...later that night. Well, I am going
to, uh, get a beverage. Uh, it was nice-nice,
uh, meeting you. Ditto. Okay, can we watch
Joey's show now, please? - Yeah.
- Wait, he's not here yet. So? He's on the show.
He knows what happens. Oh, I'm fine about
my problem now, by the way. Oh, good. Amber. I want you to know that
I'll always be there for you. As a friend
and as your brother. Oh, Drake. (man on TV)
'What a day, huh?' First, the medical award,
now this. Yeah, some guys are
just lucky, I guess. (woman on PA)
'Dr. Ramoray, report to
first floor emergency, stat.' [whimpers] Well, then, uh I, uh...guess that's me. Anyone else need to
go on the elevator? Dr. Horton? Dr. Wong? No, no.
They only said you. Well, okay. - Alright.
- I love you, Drake. Yeah, whatever. Oh, no! (Amber)
'Drake! Look out!' [screaming] - Did they just kill off Joey?
- No! [thud] Now maybe. - 'Come on! Open up!'
- 'Joey!' (Ross)
'We want to talk to you.' I don't feel like talking. (Rachel)
'Oh, come on, Joey.
We care about you.' (Chandler)
'We're worried about you.' (Monica)
'And some of us
really have to pee.' - Sorry, Joey.
- Hey. Listen, sorry about your death. - That really sucks.
- Yeah. We came over as soon as we saw. How could you not tell us? I don't know,
I was...kind of hoping no one would ever find out. Well, maybe they could find
a way to bring you back. Nah. They said that
when they found my body my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor
who could have saved me was me. Supposed to be
some kind of irony or something. But, Joey,
you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show.
It was just a dumb soap opera. Phoebe, this was the greatest
thing that ever happened to me. Yes. I was going
to incorporate that. Oh, good. Here's Monica. She'll have
something nice to say. Um, I straightened out
your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me, that's nice. It's gonna be okay.
You know that. No, I don't. It's like, you know, you work
your whole life for something and you think
that when you get it it's never gonna be as good
as you thought it would be but this so was. You know, it changed everything. Like, the other day I got
this credit card application and I was pre-approved. 'Huh?' I've never been pre-approved
for anything in my life. I'm sorry, man. Yeah. Joey, honey,
I don't know if this will mean anything to you, but you'll
always be pre-approved with us. No, that means nothing to me. Hey, there. - What?
- Nothing. I just.. ...heard something
nice about you. Oh, really? (Judy)
'Richard?' Richard.. ...your son isn't
seeing anyone, is he? Uh, not that I know of. Well, I was thinking why doesn't he
give Monica a call? That.. That's an idea. Well, actually,
I'm already seeing someone. - Oh?
- Oh? Oh.. [gasps] She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know
Monica's seeing someone? Mom, there are so many
people in my life. Some of them
are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal? So, who's the mystery man? Well, uh, he's a doctor. A real doctor? No, a doctor of meat. Of course
he's a real doctor. And he's handsome. And he's sweet,
and I know you'd like him. Well, that's wonderful. I.. Mom, it's okay. It is, Judy. Jack. Could you come
in here for a moment? - Now!
- Found it. I'll take that, dad. It seems your
daughter and Richard are something of an item. That's impossible. He's got a twinkie
in the city. Dad, I'm the twinkie. You're the twinkie? She's not a twinkie. Alright, look-look, you guys this is the best
relationship I've been in-- Oh, please!
A relationship? Yes, a relationship. For your information,
I am crazy about this man. Really? - Yes.
- Wow. Am I supposed
to stand here and listen to this
on my birthday? Dad, dad, this is
a good thing for me. You know and you
even said yourself you'd never seen
Richard happier. When did I say that? Upstairs in the bathroom. Right before
you felt up mom. ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday dear Jack ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪ Your mom wants
to say goodbye. Oh, okay. Okay, Happy Birthday,
sweetie. Okay. Uh...you drive safe. Ross, what are you doing? I'm getting ready
for the water...skiing. Okay, big hug.
One more big hug. Come on. 'Alright, darling.' How are you? - Well, I..
- Dr. Green, where you going? To get my coat. - No, no, no!
- I'll get that! Alright! Alright!
I can get my own coat. [cheering and whooping] Sorry. We're on
a major flan high. Oh, no. No, you're not
supposed to be here. 'Cause this is the staging area. You should...it's all wrong.
You should leave. You know, just.. ...get out. [yelling] Or perhaps you'd like
a creme de menthe. I have to be heading
toward my chateau. Thank you. Oh, alright, then I guess
we're going back [louder]
into the hallway again. Thanks for coming,
Mrs. Green. Okay. You take care. Oh, you kids! [giggles] Well.. This is the best party
I've been to in years. Thank you! Did we speak
on the phone last night? - Did you call me?
- No. I stayed at Julie's last night. Huh. Oh, actually, I haven't
even been home yet. Do you mind
if I check my messages? Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Rach, I got
a message from you. Who's Michael? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Ross, no.
Hang up the phone! Give me the phone, Ross!
Give me the phone! Give me the phone!
Give me the..! - You're over me?
- Oh, God! Wha..you're uh.. ...you're...you're over me? Oh my God! Oh! When...when were you.. ...under me? (Ross)
'Rach?' Rachel, do you.. '...I mean, were you, uh..' - What?
- 'Okay, okay.' Well.. ...basically,
lately I've, uh.. I've, uh, sort of
had feelings for you. [sighs] You've...had feelings for me. Yeah? What? So?
You had feelings for me first. Whoa! Huh! You know about my.. I mean, you know I had.. You-you know? You.. - Chandler told me.
- Chandler. When did he,
when did he, when did he? - When you were in China.
- China. - Meeting Julie.
- Julie. Julie. That's...oh, God. Julie, Julie. Right. Okay,
I need to lie down. No, you know,
I'm going to stand. I'm going to stand
and I'm going to walk. I'm walking and...
I am standing. Okay, so you, uh.. And now, what...and now, now now you're over me? Are you over me? <i>[Ross playing "Axel F"]</i> (Rachel)
Oh, my God!
Look, there's Roy Gublick! You know, Roy saw
star wars 317 times. His name was
in the paper. Where's Chip?
Why isn't he here yet? He'll be here, okay?
Take a chill pill. There. [chuckling]
I just told Rachel
that Roy touched my boob. I can't go to my own prom
without a date. I can't.
It's too late. You know, if you're not going,
I don't wanna go either. - Oh.
- Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel
to the prom. Mom, uh...huh...doubtful. Jack, give me that. Talk to your son. - I got it. This thing is heavy.
- Okay, okay, okay. Your mother's right.
Take her. You could wear my tux. Dad, she won't
wanna go with me. (Jack on tape)
'Of course, she would.' 'You're a college man.' - I don't know.
- Well, come on. Don't you wanna
find out? [sobbing]
Oh, my God, I can't believe I don't get to go
to my own prom. This is so harsh. Okay. - Hold my board.
- Atta boy. Atta boy. (Ross)
'Okay, you guys, you know,
I think we've seen enough.' - Let's turn it off.
- No, no, no. Okay, fine. Well, I'm not
gonna watch, alright. Come on, kid.
Let's go. (Judy)
'Boy! are you handsome.' - 'Let's show them.'
- Alright, just a sec, dad. Just be cool.
Just be cool. Okay, dad. Rachel, ready or not.. ...here comes
your knight in shining.. Oh, no. - Bye, don't wait up!
- Bye, you guys! Okay, Chip! (Judy)
'Oh, dear.' 'Jack, how do I turn
this off?' - 'Press the button.'
- 'Which one? Which button? - 'Jack?'
- 'The button. The button.' I can't believe
you did that. Yeah, well.. Okay, and then you take
the poopy diaper and you put it
in the poopy diaper pail. Okay, Ross, just so you know
calling it a "Poopy diaper" doesn't make this
process any cuter. [intercom buzzes] - Hello.
- 'It's us.' Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest
of his stuff together. Okay, we can do this now,
can't we, Ben? Yes, we can. Yes, we can. There. I did it. Oh-ho. I did it. Ooh! Look at that. Oh! It stays on and everything. - Hi.
- Hi. I'm sorry. What did you just say? Did you just say "Hi?"
Oh, my God. Ross, Ross, Ben just said "Hi." - Wha-what?
- Ben just said "Hi." What, the word "Hi?" Yeah, no, my Uncle Hy. Great. Great.
And I missed that too. - I miss everything.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just bring
it out in him. [knock on door] Hello. Where is he? - Yeah.
- We missed you so much. Come here, Ben. Hi. Guess what. Ben just
said his first word. - What did he say?
- What did he say? Something about "Hi." Oh, that's so exciting. Mommy's so proud of you. Hi. Hi. You know, actually,
it's more like "Hi!" - Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi. Okay, this could go on
for a while. You're right.
We got a cab waiting downstairs. Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it
again sometime, Ben. What do you say? Okay. So I've got him.. - Tuesday.
- Tuesday, right. - Okay, bye, you guys.
- See you. - Take care.
- Bye, Ben. (Ben)
'Bye.' Did-did he just...
did he just say "Bye?" He said "Bye."
He said "Bye" to me! You said-he said "Bye" to me! Yes, he did. Suddenly I'm seeing him
go off to college. We got to go.
We got that cab downstairs. Okay. Alright, alright. - Okay.
- See you later. - Alright
- Bye. (Ben)
'Bye.' Bye! (Ben)
'Bye.' - Bye!
- 'Bye.' Bye! Ahh.. - Hey, Erika. Come on in.
- How did you get here so fast? - I just saw you in Salem.
- Right. They, uh, they choppered me in. What's up? And I see you're having
a little party too. - Is she here? Huh, huh?
- Who? Sabrina.
I know about you two. I saw you today,
kissing in the doctors' lounge. That's not what you think.
That was-- You told me I was the only one. Alright, look, that's it. I don't think we should
see each other anymore, alright? Look, I know I should have
told you this a long time ago but I am not
Drake Ramoray, okay? I'm not even a doctor.
I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor. Oh, my God, do the people
at the hospital know about this? Somebody want
to help me out here? Oh, I know. I know. - Where am I?
- University Hospital. The same place you've
been for the last 18 years. How-how can you be
here and there? 'Cause it's a television show. Drake, what are you getting at? - I'm not Drake.
- That's right. He's not Drake. He's...Hans Ramoray,
Drake's evil twin. Is this true? Yes, yes, it is true. And I know this because,
because he pretended to be Drake to-to sleep with me. And then he told me
he would run away with me. And he didn't! And you left
the toilet seat up, you bastard! Is all this true? Yes.
I'm afraid it is. You deserve
much better than me, Erika. You deserve
to be with the real Drake. He's the one
you fell in love with. Go to Salem. Find him. He's the guy for you. Oh, Hans. Hans? Hans? Yo, evil twin! Right. Uh, goodbye, Erika. Good luck in Salem. - Take care.
- I'll never forget you, Hans. (Joey)
'Hey!' Mr. Douglas, is looking for you. Why? W-w-why? Why is Mr. Douglas
looking for me? 'Cause, he has a strong
suspicion that you dropped the ball
on the lender project. What.. W-why?
Why-why does he suspect that? Because at first
he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph
about it.. ...turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought
you should know. Alright, that's it! Look, Joey, I'm sorry. I realize this is the role
of a lifetime for you and if I could just
fire Joseph, I would but unfortunately
that's not possible. So I'm gonna have
to let both of you go. What are you talking about?
Everybody loves Joseph. I don't. I hate Joseph. Okay? I think he's
a brown-nosing suck-up. Oh, yeah? Well, you can't fire Joseph.
You know why? 'Cause he's not
in your department. [scoffs] Ha ha. Alright, okay. Alright, so I can't fire Joseph but, uh,
I can sleep with his wife. Not Karen?
Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about
having an affair with her. Oh, you know what?
I just did. [gasps] What the hell
are you doing to me, man? Oh. Well, it's not me. It's my character. Chandy. Yeah, the rogue processor who
seduces his co-workers' wives for sport and then laughs
about it the next day
at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer. - Really?
- No, freak show! - She's fictional!
- Whoa! Hey! Take it easy. If it means that much to you
I'll, uh.. ...I'll go find something else. [sighs]
Thank you. It's just that.. I'm-I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him.
His wife...she was hot. Ow! [instrumental music] [whistling] [Chandler whistles] [Joey whistles] - 'Joey?'
- Ma? (Chandler)
'Joey!' Chandler? What are you
still doing here? I thought you guys took off. 'Oh, no, no. She took off.' 'With my clothes!' - Are you naked in there?
- 'Well, not exactly.' 'I'm wearing panties.' Huh. You, uh...you
always wear panties? 'No, no.
This is the first time.' Wow, talk about your bad luck. I mean, the first time
you try panties and someone walks off
with your clothes. I was not trying them out. Susie asked me to wear them. - Well, let me see.
- No. 'I'm not letting you
or anybody else see ever.' Alright, alright. Whoa. Someone's flossing. Joey, uh, some people
don't like that. Chandler's wearing panties. What? Let me see. 'No, no. You don't have to see.' Hi, tushie. Alright. One of you
give me your underpants. Oh, no. No, no. Can't help you.
I'm not wearing any. How can you not
be wearing any underwear? Oh, I'm getting heat
from the guy in the hot pink thong. Alright, look. Ross. I'll give you $50
for your underpants. - Hey.
- Hey. Come on, Chandler. I want this part
so much. Just one kiss.
I won't tell anyone. Joey, no means no. - Hey, hi.
- Hey. I'm sorry.
W-we don't have your sheep. Oh, Rach,
I think you look cute. And you, huh! You.. You I could eat
with a spoon. Get away from me.
I said no. Hey, guys, Richard buzzed.
He's waiting downstairs. Oh, Richard's here? I should run down
and say goodbye to him. - Bye. Good luck.
- Bye. So, how's your date
with your cyber-chick going? Ooh, hey,
what is all that? Oh, it's a web site. It's the Guggenheim Museum. See, uh, she likes art,
and...I like funny words. [clears throat] What does she mean by "HH"? It...means we're
holding hands. Are you the cutest? I'm afraid I might just be. You know what I think
is so great? That you are totally
into this person and yet, for all you know,
she could be, like 90 years old
or have two heads, or.. ...it could be a guy. Okay, it's not a guy,
alright? I know her. It could be, like,
a big, giant guy. Man, I got this close to him and Monica kneed me
in the back. What's going on? We were just wondering if
Chandler's girlfriend's a girl. Oh, just ask her how long
she's going to live. Women live longer than men. How do you
not fall down more? Okay, ask her
what is her current method
of birth control. Alright. [clears throat] "My husband is sleeping
with his secretary." She's married? Well, at least we know
she's a woman. I can't believe she's married. Oh, man, I'm sorry. This must be really
tough for you, huh? Oh...God! Oh, God!
I mean, it's just so.. Isn't it? I mean, this is like
reading about my own life. I mean, this book
could-could have been called "Be Your Own Wind-Keeper,
Rachel." I don't think it
would have sold a million copies but it would've made
a nice gift for you. - Hey, you guys.
- Hey. Uh, sweetie,
we've got to go. <i>No!</i> No? No, why do we always
have to do everything according to
your timetable? Actually, it's the movie theater
that has the timetable. It's so you don't
miss the beginning. No. See, this isn't
about the movie theater. This is about
you stealing my wind. You go, girl! I can't pull that off,
can I? Excuse me, your.. ...your, your wind? Yes. My wind. How do you expect me to grow
if you won't let me blow? You, you know
I...I don't have a.. ...have a,
a problem with that. Okay. I just...I just
really need to be with myself right now. - I'm sorry.
- Mm-mm-mm. Uh, you're right. I don't have
to apologize. Sorry. Damn it! Hey, Rach,
want to hear the new song I'm thinking of singing
this afternoon? I wrote it this morning
in the shower. Okay.
Right. ♪ I'm in the shower ♪ ♪ And I'm writing a song ♪ ♪ Stop me if you've heard it ♪ ♪ My skin is soapy ♪ ♪ And my hair is wet ♪ ♪ And tegrin
spelled backward ♪ ♪ Is nirget ♪♪ Uh, Rachel, sweetheart. Could I see you for a minute? - What's up?
- Uh. FYI, I've decided to pay a professional musician to play
in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie...
something. I, uh, she's supposed to be
very good. But w-what about Phoebe? Rachel, uh, it's not
that your friend is bad. It's...it's
that she's so bad.. ...she makes me want
to put my finger through my eye,
into my brain and swirl it around. Okay. Okay, so you're not a fan. But, I mean, come on.
You cannot do this to her. Uh.. Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no. I have to do
this to her? ♪ Lather rinse repeat ♪ ♪ And lather rinse repeat ♪ ♪ And lather rinse repeat ♪ ♪ As needed ♪♪ But-but this is my gig! I mean,
this is where I play. My-my name is written out there
in chalk. You know,
you can't just erase chalk. Honey, I'm sorry. And he's going to be
paying this woman? Why doesn't he just
give her, like, a throne? And a crown,
and-and like a...you know.. ...gold stick
with a ball on top? Terry is a jerk.
Okay? That's why we're always saying,
"Terry's a jerk." That's where that came from. Yeah, okay. You probably did
everything you could, so.. Okay, you know what? Let-let me just see
what else I can do. Alright, look, look. Why don't you just
let her go on after Stephanie...
whatever her name is. I mean, you won't be here,
you don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you
anything. I-I-I don't know. Come on, Terry, I'll even clean
the cappuccino machine. You don't clean
the cappuccino machine? Uh, of course.. ...I clean it. I mean, I-I will clean it. I mean, I will clean it. Oh, alright.
Fine. Fine, fine. - Done.
- Really? Yeah.
Who's working for you, babe? Oh, oh, my God! - This is so exciting.
- I know. How much am I going to get? - What?
- Well. You said he's paying the people
who were playing, so.. Oh, no. No, no.
I-I meant.. He's going to be
paying that other woman.. ...because
she's a professional. Well...I'm not going to be
the only one who's not getting paid. - Oh, but, Phoebes--
- No, uh-uh, I'm sorry. No, no, I'm not some,
like, sloppy second.. ...you know, charity band...
and you know what? There are thousands of places
in this city where people would be happy
to pay to hear me play. ♪ When I play
I play for me ♪ ♪ I don't need your charity ♪ Thank you. - Oh.
- Hello. Oh. Thanks.
I couldn't, uh.. - Is everything okay?
- Um, no. (Phoebe)
'Huh-uh. Um..' One of my
clients died on the massage
table today. - Oh!
- Oh, my God. That's a little more
relaxed than you want them to get. Yeah, uh-huh. Um, she was,
you know, 82 years old and, um, her name
was, um, Mrs. Adelman. Oh, honey. Yeah, it's just
so strange, I mean.. You know, she probably
woke up this morning and thought "Alright,
so I'll have some breakfast "and I'll take a little walk "and, and, you know,
then I'll have my massage." Little did she know
God was thinking "Okay, but that's it." Oh! Oh, but the weirdest
thing was, okay, um.. I was cleansing her aura
when it happened. And when, when her spirit
left her body I don't think it went very far. What do you mean? I, I, I think it went into me. - Ooh, that's him.
- Damn. My mail-order grandfather
hasn't come yet. - Phoebe?
- Yes. Hi, Mr. Adelman. - Nice to see you.
- Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Oh, that's alright,
although you did cut into my very busy day
of sitting. Oh. Um, oh, do you want to sit? Oh, no, no. Please. I spent most
of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now, what can I do
for you, my dear? Oh, okay, I don't know
how to say this, but, um.. I think when your wife's
spirit left her body it, um, kind of stuck around.. ...in me. You're saying
my wife is in you? Yeah, okay, you don't
have to believe me but, um,
can you think of any unfinished business
she might have had? Like, any reason she'd
be hanging around? Well, I don't know
what to tell you, dear. The only thing I can think of
is that she always used to say that before she died,
she wanted to see everything. - Everything?
- Everything. - Whoa. That's a lot of stuff.
- Oh, wait, I, I, I remember. She also said she wanted
to sleep with me one last time. Uh, I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head. Worth a shot, huh? Now, what have I not told you? Oh, I don't know. Um, ahem, how about the fact that the underwear out there
on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex
with Fun Bobby out on the terrace. - What?
- What? Wait a minute, who told you? You are dead meat. I didn't know it
was a big secret. Huh, oh, it's not big,
not at all. You know, kind of
on the same lines as, say oh, I don't know,
having a third nipple! [gasping] (Ross)
'What?' You have a third nipple? You bitch. - Whip it out. Whip it out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No! Come on! There's nothing to see.
It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless. Oh, as-as opposed to your other multifunctional nipples. I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. Joey, what did you
think a nubbin was? I don't know. You see
something. You hear a word. I thought that's what it was. - Let me see it again.
- Yeah, show it to us. Show us the nubbin. Your nubbin. Joey was in a porno movie. [gasping] If I'm going down,
I'm taking everybody with me. - Oh, my God!
- You were in a porno? A-a-alright, alright, alright. I was young, and I just
wanted a job, okay? But at the last minute
I couldn't go through with it. So they let me be the guy
who comes in to fix the copier but can't, 'cause there's
people having sex on it. (together)
Wow! That is wild! [chuckling] So what's it shaped like? Yeah, is there a hair on it? What happens if you flick it? [knock on floor] Oh, stop with the broom! We're not making noise! [knock on floor] Oh, God. [knock on floor] - We won.
- We did? [cheering] [groaning] Mr. Heckles. How did this happen? Uh, he must have
been sweeping. They found a broom
in his hand. - Oh.
- Oh, God. - That's terrible.
- I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. - It could have been me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Joey)
'Sure, sure.' - Sweeping.
- Right. - You never know.
- Never know. [instrumental music] [knock on door] Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton
and he's pissed. Oh, there she is,
right over there. 'That's the other one.' 'This is Mr. Buddy Boyle' Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. Okay, w-what can we do for you? Alright, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will he wants to leave
all his earthly possessions to the, uh, "noisy girls
in the apartment above mine." Well, what about
his family? He didn't have any. (Joey)
'Whoa.' Oh, okay, so
let's talk money. Alright. There was none. Now, let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one. You be noisy girl number two. I can't believe that this whole
time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you
can touch someone's life without even knowing it? - Would you look at this dump?
- He hated us. This was his final revenge. Ever seen so much crap? Actually, I think this apartment
sullies the good name of crap. Check this out. Woo! He's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat! Oh, my God, you guys,
I can't believe this! This is unbelievable! - What's that?
- What? Nothing! What is that? I saw my name.
What is it? No, no. See? See? [printer whirring] Hey, it's printing! Hey, it's printing! Well, what is it?
Let me see. Hey, someone order a coat? Ross, Chandler wrote something
about me on his computer and he won't let me see. He won't, he won't? He.. ...because isn't that,
isn't that the.. ...the-the short story
you were writing? Yes, yes, it is
the short story.. ...that I was writing. And I'm in it?
Well, let me read it! (in unison)
No! - Come on!
- Hey! Uh, why don't you
read it to her? Alright! "It was summer. "And it was hot! "Rachel was there." Huh? "A lonely gray couch! "Oh, look, cried Ned! "And then the kingdom
was his forever. The end." That's it?
That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer
in the whole world! Alright-alright, you know what?
This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me
on that piece of paper and I want to see it. No, you don't. Alright, you know what? Fine. If you guys want to be children
about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it! [yelling] Go, go, go! (Joey)
'Ooh!' What is this? - That is..
- That's, that's.. - Ross, what is this?
- Thank you. (Joey)
Good luck. Okay, just-just remember
how crazy I am about you, okay? "Kind of ditzy?" [clears throat]
"Too into her looks?" "Spoiled?" Now, that's, "A little spoiled." He was supposed to type,
little, the idiot. "Just a waitress?" Now, that, that was, uh.. I mean, as opposed to, uh.. ...the, uh...
okay, is-is this over yet? - Rach?
- Oh! I do not have chubby ankles! No, I, no, no, Rach! Okay-okay,
look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. "She's not rachem?" - No.
- What the hell's a rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology
word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress? Rach, come on! Rach.. Rach! Rach! No, no, no! It's, "She's not Rachel!" She's...she's not.. Ra..
Rachel? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a sec. Ross, Julie for you. (Ross)
'Hello? Hi.' Hey, anybody know a good tailor? You need some clothes altered? No, no, I'm just
looking for a man to draw on me
with chalk. Why don't you go
see Frankie? My family's been
going to him forever. He did my first
suit when I was 15. No, wait. 16. No. Excuse me. 15. Alright, when was 1990? Okay, you have
to stop the q-tip when there's
resistance. Okay, okay, sweetheart I'll see you later. Okay, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, okay. No, you hang up. No, you...okay. Okay. One, two, three. Well, you didn't
hang up either. (both)
She didn't hang up either. Okay, no. No, you hang up. You. You. Y.. I'm sorry, I thought
you were talking to me. Rachel.. - I'll just call her back.
- Okay. (Ross)
'I'm sorry,
we got disconnected.' Okay, okay, okay, okay,
how did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago,
I was fine. Ross was just Ross.
Just this guy. Now, all of a sudden,
he's Ross.. Oh, this really great guy
that I can't have. Sweetie, I wanted
you to have him too. I know you did. I'm just going
to deal with it. [kissing] I got to get
out of here. Okay, I don't care
what you guys say. Something is
bothering her. Hi! Welcome to our
tropical Christmas party. You can put your
coats and sweaters and pants and shirts
in the bedroom. It's hard to tell
because I'm sweating. But, I use exactly
what the gel bottle says. An amount about
the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much? (Monica)
'Ice?' Ice? Ice squares, anyone? Take a napkin. Alright. Monica. Monica! Monica, your guests are
turning into jerky, okay? Really?
I'm perfectly comfortable. Hey, hey, hey, get in line,
buddy. I was next. Mr. Treeger. Uh, you said there was a party. Oh, yeah. Well, hey, welcome to our sauna. Oh, is it hot? My body always stays cool. Probably because
I have so much skin. Hey, cheese. Alright.
Alright, here's the chance. Monica, give him cash.
Rachel, give him your earrings. Uh, something. Now. Anything. No. I will not cave. - Yeah, I'm with Mon.
- Alright. Alright. You know how you say
I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though
he's your super, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger? Here is 50 bucks.
Merry Christmas. Oh, wow.
I didn't get you anything. [chuckles] Here's five back. No, no. No, that's,
that's your Christmas tip. Alright? Oh, hey. Do you think there's a chance
you can fix that radiator now? Oh, no can do.
Like I told the girl. I can't get a new
knob until Tuesday. - Ross?
- Yeah. Looks like he's
playing baseball. You mean hardball? Whatever. What you gonna do? Excuse me. I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger. Here's another 50. Happy Hanukkah. Will, uh, will this help
with the knob-getting? No. The place is not
open till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right? So, wait...you really
did like my cookies? Oh, yeah.
They were so personal. It really showed you cared. Nice seizing...gel-boy.
