- Hey!
- 'Hey, buddy!' Huh? Huh? Oh...that's attractive. Oh, I thought you were great
in "Silence of the Lambs." Oh, come on, admit it! All things considered,
you had fun tonight. Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically,
which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? Oh, ah, the kid has it. The kid.. [clears throat]
Excuse me, uh,
that's, that's my puck. I found it.
Finders keepers, losers weepers. You gotta do it, man. Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber,
you're glue, whatever.. Can't do it. Listen, uh,
gimme back my puck. No. - Yes, how about--
- No. - Come here. Gimme!
- No. No. (Sizemore)
'Hey! Hey!
No rough holding in my ER!' Give me my puck! Oh! Now that was fun. Mom, dad. Ross smoked pot in college. - What?
- What? You are such a tattletale! Mom, dad. [chuckles]
You remember that-that time you walked in my room
and smelled marijuana? - Yes.
- Yes. Well, I told
you it was Chandler who was smoking...the pot,
but.. ...it was me. I'm sorry. - It was you?
- And dad. You know that mailman
that you got fired? He didn't steal your "Playboys." Ross did. Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria
didn't break the porch swing. Monica did! Ross hasn't worked
at the museum for a year! Monica and Chandler
are living together! Hi there. How many, uh,
how many did you sell? I'm not gonna tell you. You're the bad man
who broke Sarah's leg. Hey, now, that
was an accident, okay? You're a big scrud. What's a scrud? Why don't you look
in the mirror, scrud? I don't have to.
I can just look at you. (female #2)
'Alright, girls..' ...and man. Let's see your final tallies. Oh-h...Debbie. 321 boxes of cookies. - Very nice.
- Not nice enough. Charla...278. Sorry, dear but still good. Good for a scrud. Ooh, yes, Elizabeth. Oh! 871. That's crap! Sister brown bird.. ...good going. Who's next? [clears throat] - Hi, there.
- Hi. And batting for Sarah.. ...Ross Geller. "872." Although it looks
like you bought an awful lot of
cookies yourself. That is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.. ...nougat.. ...deficiency. Hey. Hey, "Yertle the Turtle." A classic. Actually, I-I'm reading it
to the baby. The, uh, the baby
that hasn't been born yet? Uh, wouldn't that mean
you're...crazy? What, you don't think they can
hear sounds in there? You're not serious I mean, you.. You really, you really
talk to it? Yeah. All the time. I want the baby
to know my voice. Do you, uh, do you
talk about me? Yeah, yeah. All the time. Really? But, um we just refer to you as
Bobo, the sperm guy. Oh, I missed you. I missed you too. Oh, I was so nervous
about that letter. But the way you
owned up to everything it just...showed me how much you've
grown, you know? I suppose. No, you have, Ross,
you have. You should give
yourself credit. I mean, my mom never thought
this would work out. [chuckling]
She was all "Once a cheater,
always a cheater." - Mm-hmm.
- Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost
those four months. But if time was
what you needed just to gain a
little perspective.. (Ross)
'We were on a break!' - Coffee house?
- You bet. And for the record,
it took two people to break up
this relationship! Yeah, you and that girl
from the copy place which, yesterday, you took
full responsibility for! I didn't know what I was taking
responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish
the whole letter. - What?
- I fell asleep. You fell asleep? It was 5:30
in the morning and you had rambled on
for 18 pages. Front and back! Oh, oh, oh,
and by the way Y-O-U apostrophe R-E means you are. Y-O-U-R means your. You know, I can't believe
I even thought of getting back
together with you. We are so over. Oh...oh...oh.. Fine by me! Oh, oh, and, hey, hey, hey,
those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're
at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble
with Monica! - Hey.
- Sorry! I just feel bad about all
that sleep you're going to miss wishing you
were with me. Oh, no, no, no, don't you worry
about me falling asleep. I still have your letter! I was just leaving. Good. 'Cause I've got
a product report to read. It's like, eight pages,
I hope I don't fall asleep. Why, did you write it? Whoa! Look at that. Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants. Well, uh, actually-- I bet he sensed
that I was ready to have
sex...with another guy. Well, um.. ...why don't you
give him a call? Okay. Are you sure you
want to hear this? Oh, I'm sure. Chip! Hi, it's Rachel. Rachel Greene. Yeah, um,
you left me a message? Yes, you did.
My roommate wrote it down. Monica Geller. Oh. Oh, that's right! He called
to ask out Monica. Oh, that's, that's got
to be embarrassing. So I nodded off a little. Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring. My father's boat
didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks! Come on. 45 minutes. 45 minutes the man talked
about strappy-backed dresses. Well, okay,
how about four hours in a freezing museum
auditorium listening to
Professor Pitstains and his,
"Hey, everybody "remember that thing that's been
dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone
we didn't know it had." First of all,
it's Professor Pitain. And second of all,
that little bone proved that that particular dinosaur
had wings, but didn't fly. Okay, see, now,
what I just heard blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah, blah-blah. Huh. You know what? A hundred million people
went to see a movie about what I do,
I wonder how many people would go see a movie
called Jurassic Parka. Oh, that is so.. No, no, no, a bunch
of out-of-control jackets take over an island! [gasp] Okay, come on. Alright, I gotta go. So good luck at the party,
okay? Oh, wait, Ross, could you
stay and help me get dressed? Sure. Okay. Okay, great, um, okay, just.. ...turn around. What? I don't want you
to see me naked. Rachel, I've seen you naked
a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Huh, I-I sucked
that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button? Yeah, but that was different,
you know? I mean, we were,
we were going out then. Now I think it's weird. Rach, you know, I can see you
naked anytime I want. What? [chuckles]
All I have to do
is close my eyes. See? Woohoo! - Ross, stop that.
- 'Uh, I'm so..' - I don't want.. Come on.
- 'I'm so.. What?' I don't want you thinking
of me like that anymore. Uh, sorry.
Nothing you can do about it. It's one of my, uh, rights
as the ex-boyfriend, huh? - Oh, oh, yeah.
- Stop it. - Cut it out, cut it out!
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It will never happen..
Uh-oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, now there are 100
of you, and I'm the king. Oh! Oh, I can do it. Yeah. You two are really gonna
enjoy that couch. Oh, yeah, we're, uh.. ...yeah, we're not together. Oh. Okay. [laughing]
Somethin' didn't
quite add up there. Ross! What's that supposed to mean? - Ross!
- Well.. ...you...her.. I mean, she's very.. ...you know.. ...and you're like.. ...you know. Not that it's any of your
business, but we did go out. Really? You two? - Yeah. Rach?
- Come on. I really don't wanna
be doing this right now. I'm carrying a very heavy couch. Then tell him quickly. Fine. We went out. Not only did we go out.. ...we did it...298 times. Ross! Oh, my.. Oh! You kept count? You are such a loser. A loser you did it with
298 times. How could you tell her? I had to, okay?
We're getting married. Married couples can't keep
secrets from one another. Oh, really, well, I-I guess Monica should know about
Atlantic City. Du-ude! What happened
in Atlantic City? Well, Chandler
and I were in a bar. Did you not hear me say,
du-ude? And this girl is making
eyes at Chandler. Okay? So, after a while,
he-he goes over to her and, uh, after a minute
or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking
Chandler's not type of guy who just goes to bars
and makes out with girls. And you're right,
Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars
and makes out with girls. You kissed a guy? Oh! 'Oh, my God!' In my defense, it was dark,
and he was a very pretty guy. [laughing] - Oh, Mon, I laughed so hard.
- Ho-ho! So hard we had to throw
out your underwear again? Whatever, dude,
you kissed a guy. Yes. So then President Steve
told everyone I was a cheapskate and now the whole
building hates me. You know, a little kid
spit on my knee. You know what I am gonna do?
I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone
in the building. And I'm gonna sit them
all down and explain to them
that I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy. I'm just a guy
who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles. - Sounds like a fun party.
- Hm-m. Look, Ross, if you want
your neighbors to like you why don't you just
pay the 100 bucks? Party's gonna cost you
way more than that. That doesn't matter! It's my principles. We're
talking about my principles! Okay, I thought it was about
your neighbors liking you. Oh, they'll like me once
they come to my awesome par-tay. [instrumental music] Yes, yes.
How can I help you? We were, we were just
looking around. Oh, oh, you're-you're
fellow scholars. What exactly
were you looking for? Hmm? Perhaps, uh, perhaps.. ...Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smilodon californicus? - Uh..
- Uh! Uh! Get out of here! Ross! Oh, my God! Ross! What in heaven's name
are you doin' here? And that is why, we cannot
see each other anymore. Ross.. You and I are gonna
have to have a little talk. - Daddy, uh..
- You're next! Okay. I didn't know he was here. Let me just see
if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away
from my daughter or I'll have you fired. What you heard was take my daughter,
come up to my country house and ruin
my weekend with Rachel. Okay, please, please, Paul.
Just let me explain-- No, let me explain! Fired! Okay, fine, fine. Have me fired. But, uh, I want you to know that you and I are not
all that different. I mean.. ...I too, am a neat guy. What? And I too.. ...am just a love machine. [humming "Love Machine"] [grunts] Ross.. ...let me show you
where the guest room is. Hey. Hey, so, did
everything go alright with the, uh...annulment? Oh, yeah. No problems. It's all taken care of. - Ross, thank you.
- Yeah. [both chuckles] Hey, do you guys
wanna go see a movie? - Oh, yeah. Why not?
- Yeah. Pheebs? No, thanks.
I've already seen one. Okay. Um...I'm
gonna get my sweater. Okay. You want, you wanna
hear something weird? Always. I didn't get the annulment. - What?
- We're still married. Don't tell Rachel.
See you later. [instrumental music] - Hey.
- Hey. It's the most
eligible man in New York. - How's the moving on going?
- Not well. I went on the subway again,
and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither
female, nor wearing pants. Well, maybe you're going
about this the wrong way. You know, I mean
think about it. Single white male,
divorced three times two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself. [chuckles]
You know, that's funny, yeah. Do you, so, do you think
you'll ever work again? What are you doing?
You know I can only dish it out. I can't believe
Rachel just moved on and-and didn't
say anything to me. Look, maybe she didn't
move on, you know? I mean, maybe that kiss
was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing. No. About a month ago she gave
her number to some guy in a bar. - Did she go out with him?
- No. When he called,
I-I threw the message away. Ah, the high road. Alright, you know what?
Enough, enough talking. I-I have to get moving. Hey, check out those
two blonds over there. Hey, come with me. Are you trying to get
everybody divorced? Come on, you don't
have to do anything. It'll just be easier
if it's the two of us. Like college.
Huh, remember? First, you, uh,
break the ice with some kind of a joke, so
they know you're the funny one then I swoop in with some
interesting conversation so they'll see that I'm the
brilliant, brooding sexy one. I thought I got
to make the jokes. Don't you have to be at work? Oh, come on! - Hey.
- Hey. Hey, I'm sorry to do
this to you again but, uh, is there any way you can look
after Ben for a little bit? I-I've got
this meeting at school. And he-he asked for his,
uh, fun Aunt Rachel, so.. Aw. Well, of course,
I will watch him! We have fun,
don't we, Ben? Okay, I'll see you later, pal. Okay. [laughs]
Wait a minute. - Uh, Ben, I can't do it.
- What? Oh, you've got something
here on your back. What? That's great. That is great. What did we just finish
talking about, Ben? "What did we just finish
talking about, Ben?" Alright, that's it!
Come.. You, no! You are in big trouble,
young man! - No! Wait! Come on!
- No, Ben, come here! I am not kidding! - No, you guys..
- 'I'm-I'm..' [Ross screaming] [screams]
Oh, my God!
