Betrayal Trauma: What is it & How to Heal

when my name's Kristen Snowden I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California and while this is not therapy this is just kind of an opportunity to share my information with you what I've seen and what I've heard and what I've experienced and what I know to be the best course of action for managing betrayal trauma might just a little background is I have kind of worked on both sides I've worked with men who've struggled with drug and sex addiction I've also worked with partners who have kind of dealt with the trauma of uncovering an addiction substance abuse or sex addiction I've also dealt with single infidelities versus like say a chronic pattern of infidelity chronic porn use I've so I've run each each side I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of the gamut of emotions that all parties involved experience and struggle with so really quickly I'm just going to share a few minutes of I guess a synopsis of betrayal trauma how I understand it and the approaches to managing it and healing from it but basically betrayal trauma is the trauma the traumatic experience of being betrayed and of course in order to feel betrayed there has to be kind of an understanding that this is a safe person this is a safe environment and so of course your significant other is going to be thought of as a person who will speak the truth will put your marriage or your partnership as a priority values the family and the life that you have and then suddenly finding out that he or she's been cheating or abusing substances or doing nefarious secret activities behind your back those are all very traumatizing to uncover and they can be the most destructive moments in one's life extremely traumatizing and in fact more research is showing that those who experience that type of betrayal trauma actually often demonstrate PTSD symptoms post traumatic stress disorder symptoms so they in general you are you suffer physiological consequences emotional consequences mental consequences and let me just list a few first it'll make you feel unsafe because a person that you trusted that you let in lied and snuck around behind your back it violates that trust also it can give you the feeling like you are crazy because we all have these instincts to say that's really odd he's getting a lot of block call phone numbers she's doing a lot of late-night meetings where did this money in the bank account go and we know that things are just starting out and not adding up she's acting strange she's a lot more short-tempered he is so critical right now and I don't understand why and they in an effort to cover up their their secret life their double life the perpetrators of the betrayal will lie to you well Gaslight and tell you what your reality is which is that they are sneaking around and running a double life that's the reality they'll tell you you know you're crazy you need to not be so jealous you need to maybe if you'd have sex with me more we wouldn't be having this problem you've never been the same after the kids you know things like that that the the reality is is that they have been leading a double life lying sneaking around but they Gaslight you into believing that all of those things are not true and that is absolutely crazy making in our career in our career field of sex addiction we say it's it's more often that partners betrayed partners leave because of the lies that were being told not because the actions that happened and that continues on later during the healing process or the reconciliation process if there is one the other thing is is that there can be the secondary wave of shame so you find out that your partner's been lying and and there's it's extremely traumatizing because your world gets turned upside down and then the next thing that happens is there's the blame on yourself maybe if I did have sex with him or her more often maybe if I earn more money if I was more attractive ice if I did more loving things if I wasn't so selfish that secondary Shaima it's my fault I could have managed his or her betrayal I could have stopped it from happening and also the concept of betrayal blindness why didn't I see that you know I'm so stupid it seems like everybody else knew that he or she was cheating and I didn't so there there's that going on and then of course there's the religious expectations of these concepts of if you divorce it's you know a virgin some form of failure the community expectations that you're embarrassed to tell your friends and loved ones that your partner has a sex addiction or a secret drug addiction of some kind so these are all extremely complex traumas that are kind of built one layer on top of another on top of another in let's say a typical divorce I write an article on my website about how we fall short as a community of being able to support these people who struggle with betrayal trauma oftentimes we can connect with the oh it's so sad that mr. and mrs. Smith are breaking up and divorce and you can connect with that sadness and grief but we cannot connect with the layers and layers of trauma from the months or years of deceit the months or years of gaslighting the shame that you feel yourself of gosh why couldn't I have saved this why couldn't I have fix this why couldn't I have known that this was happening and then the trauma of I maybe my pride myself before I uncovered this addiction before I incur this betrayal I might have prided myself on being a pious woman or a very smoky stable woman and then obviously when I'm in crisis and I'm handling a divorce or I'm handling my partner's addiction or I'm dealing with family life while I'm extremely traumatized and sad and turned upside down there that other level of well maybe I am unstable you know I always prided myself on being a stable person and now look at me I can't you know stop crying I can't give the kids as much attention in time I'm worried about finances so what I'm just trying to get across to you is that there are so many levels so many layers here four people are struggling with betrayal trauma and my biggest goal is to help them have a language for it so it's extremely important if you are gonna appear suffering from betrayal trauma that you go see a professional that has experience in this subject matter specifically because sometimes professionals mental health therapists that don't have this in their background that don't understand the multi-layered the multi trauma on the multi shame levels that are involved with this they my treat Rama ties the betrayed partner by saying well you know did you stop having sex with him after you had kids cuz you know or wow she's really really emotionally unstable you know maybe she has borderline personality disorder and there can be a lot of judgment there when someone is suffering from betrayal trauma the most important things are helping them develop a language for what happened and then validating that indeed yes you you were lied to you were gaslighted there there was an expectation of safety and and you were victimized and then helps someone transcend from from being a victim to being a victor help them rekindle their intuition a lot of it gets suppressed during this trauma and crisis and kind of help them rebuild their ability to see things to call them out to understand them better and then studying up healthy boundaries and healthy communication to manage that I'm also a proponent of EMDR and I can answer questions that further it's to best my ability to manage the physiological kind of PTSD symptoms that can get in the way of reconciling with your partner or moving on I think before you go further would you explain what EMDR is because not everybody's gonna understand what that term means right so EMDR and se so psycho psycho somatic experience and eye movement something what is a desensitization repititions EMDR those are two kind of scientifically evidence-based ways of managing someone's physiological trauma symptoms so let's say a soldier who got back from war anytime they hear a plane fly overhead they're back in the frontlines of that war experience you know even though they might be walking in a grocery store their body is telling them that they are under attack and it is very hard for them for their prefrontal cortex to operate in a higher functioning rational thought process they're back in their lizard brain just going you know duck and save your life that is exactly what's happening to partners in the betrayal trauma they might hear a song on the radio they might go to a you know a place their kids school they might see a billboard something you know their partner may say something with a similar tone that he or she said back when he was cheating and it all physiological you're right back there where you were being betrayed you're right back to the fear and the kind of cyber survival eye movement synthesis and reprocessing thank you so that's kind of the before you can heal the marriage and explore your family history and your your potential for childhood trauma you need to be able to have a calmer kind of back and back lizard brain is kind of what I call it your survival instincts need to kind of calm down and feel safe so you can process in your executive prefrontal cortex executive functioning part of your brain you mentioned betrayal blindness of it and I have not heard that term before but I thought wow that really was an interesting way of terming him because I I have experienced but also know of so many people that have you know felt the shame of why didn't I see that you know like you look with hindsight you see the indicators but you didn't see them in the moment any further thoughts on you know I there's actually it's a so common that there's a book on it jennipher frayed beard at this one yeah it's a I brought it because I love it Jennifer Freud's blind to betrayal how why we fool ourselves we aren't being fooled and the background of her and it's a you know she's done scientific studies on it but her background is was understanding why people who repressed child sexual abuse memories that was kind of the origination of her research but then she started running into infidelity where she found that all these people were coming to her and telling her once I uncovered my husband's infidelity all my friends and neighbors were coming up to me and telling me how they knew the whole time and I'm like I'm living with this guy sleeping next to him why the hell didn't I know this was happening and she kind of uses the same model to help you understand and kind of help you peel apart the layers of why your instincts and intuition were trumped by what she describes as like a dependency not even like a toxic level of dependency but you're married you have kids there's a financial dependency maybe one sick and one's not ones working one's not so we're not saying like a pathological toxic level of codependency but just when there is this mutual dependency you are more inclined to kind of turn the cheek turn the other cheek negotiate compromise and minimize the red flags that are kind of screening out at you we were talking about you know intimacy disorders and I was thinking about timeframes you know it's like and I know that there's no magic number of like after X amount of days or months you know you're gonna be in a different place but you know I believe that there's there's a there's a pathway and there's a timeframe and you know like these things didn't happen overnight and so and I've heard this from the attics too it's like you know i-i've been I've been sober for or in recovery for you know ten seconds so you know why doesn't she get over that and you know I think that there's a time frame that is appropriate for the grieving and finding a path to healing so do you have any thoughts on that like a number I know because the tough thing is you know right is there's that complex PTSD right which is if you're still in a traumatic toxic environment or continuing to get light you are gaslighted or the story keeps changing then that kind of restarts the timer right we're never feeling favored I never redeveloping trust or what I like to call the benefit of the doubt and so that's very difficult but time frame I mean I I think generally like experts in the field have said between 18 months to three years to kind of you know calm down physiological responses kind of remind yourself okay I'm safe today we're working on a relationship today I've kind of strengthened and reinstated my instinct so I'm not gonna be blind or overlooked the red flags I'm gonna feel safe enough to ask questions and and he or she should not be saying when are you gonna get over this winning in a you know it's just I have the right to say you've been on your phone a lot you've been texting a lot who have you been talking to things like that I have the right to check-in as long as I'm not doing it in a derogatory accusatory way just kind of like I'm not feeling safe I'd like you to help me feel safe kind of way and then there's that really delicate balance right where we where if if your partner who's in recovery is is keeping his or her side of the street clean so you've gone through the disclosure you've gone through the hard work you've explored the family system you've explored your marital struggles you explored your childhood stuff and your shame and there's a mutual dialogue going on but suddenly you see a commercial of the hotel where you knew your partner is want Ron debuting with one of the affair partners and you get in rage and this is years later um I know partners aren't gonna like the nice saying this but at some point it's like you have to take responsibility for your physiological responses for your personal physical struggles because if you know what you were welcome to always check in and say is my partner keeping his or her side of the street clean am i okay well then you know it's not his fault that this commercial went on I'm freakin pissed right now and there's gonna be an edge to everything I say and do because I'm suddenly remembering what a monster he or she is capable of being and how could he or she have done this to me but you have to kind of keep your side of the street clean too and say what's yours and what's his you know the EMDR and as you know some of those things they really do help you process through having done those know I sound like a walking advertisement for therapy don't I ain't no I am I'm the I'm walking out you know I did EMDR on a couple of things you know I used to have called it the white-hot rage there'd be just things how did the blue it felt like the you know ripping and and since I did the EMDR and address that I have not had one incident years so I have the same experience know where it would be very shaming to me personally when I was getting triggered with my stuff and after the EMDR it calmed it down because I felt like it was bringing me back to square one again and they had nothing to do with reality right it was all just old memories of old stuff that happened and you get caught in the sadness of like oh my god I'm never gonna get over this I'm never gonna transcend this I'm gonna always be this angry betrayed person well and for mine it was like it would flare up and I wasn't in tune with why it was happening and it was old stuff and and you know as soon as I was able to unpack that and deal with it you know all of that that stopped you know my reaction to it that doesn't mean you know but those you know the hotel coming up or whatever doesn't happen but like my reaction to like I I have not experienced that again so it was very healing so yeah no I I'm I personally and professionally a big proponent of EMDR if done right it can be life-altering for sure okay so the definition disclosure for those of you that don't know is is it's kind of a sit-down between the addict the betrayed partner and kind of going over the general facts let's say the where when what wise to kind of help the betrayed partner establish trust again be ice in my opinion to kind of help them heal from the gaslighting of when you came late to our son's birthday party you were actually acting out when that money was missing in the bank account this is what it was being used for so you can kind of start rebuilding your reality and say oh what my gut was telling me was right and then also giving the Attic the opportunity to kind of come clean and and release his or her shame from from leading the double life when you think full disclosure is most beneficial I'd have to say when the professionals in your life have said that it's time and they feel like you guys are both in a healthy enough space to put you both in a room and talk about one of the most traumatizing experiences in your life I mean really it's it's extremely painful but but definitely necessary to help rekindle your intuition rebuild trust kind of heal and understand the gaslighting that happen I and I agree and there's actually research that a well done disclosure not something that is unburdening the addict or because the partner is going I deserve to know yes we do deserve to know but you deserve to know when the edge is in a place where they're not going to repeat the behavior or not likely to repeat the behavior so that you have to do this all over again but it isn't piecemeal that you're supportive therapist and I think both people should be working with their supportive therapists so that the partner gets the questions answered that really are important without getting the details you know it isn't important to know you're always uses you know what what her bra size was or whatever you know I mean those kind of details you know you need to know you know did something happen in our bed you know that you duty was it you know like if there's a suspicion than it was with your sister or sister-in-laws you know that kind of stuff is really important to know if there's a close relationship so so getting the point uncertainty for my clients is always an exposure to disease mm-hmm all my clients you know kind of hang their head as they ever like I guess I have to go get tested for everything well yeah so and those kind of disclosures should probably happen early without you know you know like if there's medical things though that should be on the table early but you know to have a disclosure where there isn't a plan you know like who's you know you're driving separate cars you know this person's gonna you know there's a plan for him to go stay at his friend's house or whatever you know so that or at Hotel what at whatever you know that there's a there's a plan and that it's set so that it's at the partners you know the partner really is in charge of this if that you know partner needs to take a breath they can ask the you know the husband and the you know and their therapist to step out in the hallway I mean like it's a well done disclosure you know like the statistics are over ninety percent are glad they did it it doesn't you know it wasn't fun but but you know like you said it takes care of the gas lighting you know like all those things that you told me you know that I was just making up in my head no they really you know I was right trust my gut but also you know it cleans the slate so that he's not carrying the shame of you know and which is more likely to be a reason not a cause of you know of relapse to someone you know it is very traumatizing to divorce after betrayal right because the the divorce is about negotiating and compromising right we're gonna have to talk about custody of our children we're not to talk about co-parenting we're gonna have to talk about finances and that does take a level of trust that when you're negotiating compromising that this person is not capable you know this was the person that was capable of lying to your face over and over and over again so why on earth would I want to sit down and compromise on finances and and let him have my children so I mean I'll always feel for the safety of a situation but in rare cases there have been clients who have said I have every we have every intention of divorcing because the the trauma that we have experienced in the violation we have experienced is too deep for us but we but there's a deep sadness for for what has happened and a desire to and reconcile come clean in a safe structured way specifically it's been like the husband said you know I'm so good at lying and manipulating and you know lying by omission that I almost need someone ask me someone with your experience to ask me direct questions cuz she's just not asking the right questions that's basically that I very conveniently let him sneak through and be very very nefarious and his behavior so those were some you know I proceeded with a lot of caution but while it was deeply painful I think that it did help them later on be better co-parents because there was kind of an understanding of where both were coming from he had he had because it was kind of forced to see her pain and see what his choices did to her and and she got to kind of see him finally speak the truth for the first time after years of just being so deceitful yeah I'm a huge proponent of rekindling your intuition and reom powering that kind of turning it on when you realize we've been in a partnership with an addict it is annihilated I've had that confirmed from parents whose kids are addicts or partnerships or children of parents who are addicts your instincts and intuition and your ability to read people step boundaries is just destroyed from those kind of dynamics and yeah I think there's a lot of healing to just kind of name what the reality was I'm saying so was this what was happening yes okay thank you well and you know when there's that much hurt and anger it leaks out into other relationships so you know it would be hard for me to be you know a great mom if I'm you I'm so angry at this person and so betrayed and you know the kids pick up on all that stuff and so you know but but like you know I don't want to you know fill their little brains or older brains with you know well your dad did this you know I mean sure I'm angry but you know ultimately you know I want what's best for my kids so yeah having the disclosure and working through it and learning to co-parent you know does make for hopefully a much better outcome for everybody so anyone who's been working in this field for a longer period of time will find that first of all no one even believed that there was such thing as addiction you know many many years ago and then the person who was married to the Attic was a Co addict and there was a disease model of kind of almost shaming them for not being able to you know it's your fault that you married an addict basically and and ever since then you can correct me if you're wrong if you feel like you have a different opinion Tammy but I feel like we've been moving away from that disease model definitely where codependency is kind of thought of in the stigma way like stop being codependent and kind of this appreciation that there are absolutely pieces to a relationship where there's going to be dependency and but when you know Shi t hits the fan and crisis happens you kind of want to do an autopsy of where it all went wrong and an understanding your childhood and how you learned how to love and where you learned how to love and did you have unspoken resentment why did you what's your language for talking about things how do you feel about do you do ever get triggered by abandonment or fear of connection with other people I feel like all these models you know from the PML OD love addict love avoidant - to Rob's discussions - is it Jennifer Schneider writes a lot about betrayal that there's you can I combine them all I mean it's nothing should ever feel shaming to answer your question if someone if a mental health professional is helping you manage your betrayal trauma and you walk out of those sessions feeling like shame like I'm bad I did wrong this is my fault that is not that is not okay okay it should be like this is an autopsy of how things went down this is where he might have struggled this is where I've struggled it's very difficult to when you're in so much pain and you have been victimized by by lying in betrayal but every relationship has two pieces to it and down the line when you get out of the crisis moment it's definitely beneficial to kind of understand and you don't repeat any patterns that you've identified to be toxic or unhealthy or Baths of your own journey whatever makes you feel safe again safety is the foundation of rebuilding intimacy and it you got to try to do what you got to do there's an website app set dot-org that is trained partner specialists so if you go to that website they they do a great job of training professionals to be supportive of betrayed partners and I mentioned RCA which is recovering couples Anonymous and my experience with them is because you're both there and you're really focusing on the couple ship you know something like that can be very healing that said the other thing I you know I think of I mentioned app sets you know there are other trained professionals but if they're offering a group therapy experience where you know where people similar to you can and there are a number of therapists that offer a partner's group you know in therapy so that's facilitated by a therapist so you've got this guided experience that can be really healing as well so so it kind of takes the toxicity out of it because you know there's someone who's a mental health professional there to guide the process but you know and I you know I'm in recovery I've done a lot of personal work I you know I was the Ellen on as well as the AAA and so you know a so um you know I found individual therapy really useful group therapy was probably pivotal I mean that was the thing because there was the support of these other people and stuff that I had a hard time getting in touch with you know it helped me you know it helped me break through those barriers painful moments but freeing you know I mean I wouldn't trade I wouldn't trade for the world of not going through that those painful moments to get to you know what I was able to experience so perhaps you know if you if you've explored the variety of 12-step meetings you know even go to some open you know a a means or whatever just listen to speaker meetings you know you may use something may resonate with you and just being in community like Krista was mentioning you know the attachments and you know and and you know seeing some of what other people have gone through and he gotten to the other side you know could be you know an opportunity for some healing for you array of kind of healthy communication healthy boundaries healthy just kind of kind of things that we don't get taught in school that we'd benefit from and how to relate to people yes and so yeah and we'll always work to address the questions that are asked so hope you'll join us so thank you Chris and

Channel: Kristin Snowden

Views: 38,579

Rating: 4.8792601 out of 5

Keywords: iMovie, addiction, sex addiction, love avoidant, narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, infidelity, cheating, rob weiss, love addiction, emotional abuse, divorce, substance abuse, betrayal, marriage, codependency, codependent, prodependent, partners of sex addicts, shame, porn addiction, narcissistic personality disorder, betrayal blindness, gaslighting, boundaries, attachment styles

Id: 3LEQB5kmSn4

Length: 31min 36sec (1896 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 27 2018