(dramatic music) (paper crinkling) Hello and welcome to More-Sided Dive. Tonight we are playing "For the Queen." "For the Queen!" Whoo! Since I am the reigning Midnight Queen. What?
That's true. Do you not remember?
No. Smash cut.
No, I don't! I don't remember it. But I'm wearing the same
shirt I wore on the game. Nipple bow. (laughing) Eyes down here. (laughing) It's crazy because-
Knows where to pull focus. I almost wore that tonight as well. It would have been so awkward.
I'm so glad he didn't. So embarrassing.
Would have had to kill him. (laughing) All right-
Mommy taught me that. I'm the Midnight Queen and the host, so I'm gonna have Matt tell you all about the most extra voice. Ooh, all about it in the most
extra voice he can conjure. (laughing) Okay. Go. So, "For the Queen" is a card driven, collaborative storytelling
game that invites you into a dramatic narrative
about a queen's journey with you, her companions.
Mother. She's the best. What will you learn about
her and yourself along the way? No hesitation. In the end, will you
stand for or against her? Oh my God, I am horrified. Created by award-winning
game designer Alex Roberts, this game teaches you how to play through everyone reading the rules cards and is perfect for no prep. Incredibly dramatic and
memorable storytelling. Bring it home, baby.
Here we go. There's 17 more paragraphs. It's a go-to adventuring game
and we're so excited to bring it back into print
with this second edition. This enhanced second
edition contains all new art by an incredible team of artists. Additional queen cards and question cards and completely new artwork
by an incredible team of art-- You did this to me. Incredible team of artists. Aimee: Oh! So much more to go. "For the Queen" is available everywhere, starting next week on May 14th, check it out in all our Critical Role shops and friendly local game stores. And visit your local
Darrington Press guild store for exclusive promo cards
featuring the Queen by Midnight princesses reimagine as crowned queens. Still going.
Oh, my god. Learn more about "For the Queen" at DarringtonPress.com/ForTheQueen. Yeah.
(clapping) /ForTheQueen.
/ForTheQueen. I feel like that's the voice
of every Disney villain all through the '90s. It was always that.
You're right. It's very King John from the Disney. Yes. (gums smacking) Yeah. I don't want that. All right, well, to do the game here. Yeah. First let's go ahead and pick a queen. Well, hold on. I think there's usually
a card to pick a queen. Oh, oh, oh. So yeah, you go ahead,
you go ahead and pick. So you start and you learn the game and establish the ritual of game. Great, 'cause I've never played it. Me neither.
First time. We're all gonna read the rules together. So I'm gonna take a card,
read mine, pass it to you, and then we'll go in a circle.
Perfect. Everyone reads a card, puts it the circle. I can't read. Well, wing it, baby.
Yep. We got it, we got it. Wing it. So, go around the table
clockwise taking turns reading these cards aloud. Bibbidi bobbidi boo.
Perfect. The land has been in turmoil for as long as any of you have been alive. The queen has decided to undertake a long and perilous journey to broker and alliance
with a distant power. (laughing) Hideous brother. Incredible.
Yeah. The queen has chosen all of you and no one else to be her retinue and accompany her on this journey. Oh, retinue.
She chose you because she knows that you love her. Oh, here we go. You are welcome to look
through the illustrated cards for inspiration. If there is one the players are drawn
to display it on the table to represent your queen. Perfect.
All right. All right, so now we pick,
oh, a sexy-ass queen. Everyone--
So we pause those. Everyone's going this
way, then I guess I gotta go ahead and fit in right with
the rest of you retinue, right? There's some Jersey retinue
here we're putting together. Oh my god, for the queen. The queen of jersey.
Oh my god. Queen of Jersey.
Okay, well now I feel like we have to
look at power suit queen. We're picking cards? Is
that what's happening? Y'all decide with one queen together. One queen together?
Oh! Represents our scene together. Oh. Well, what about this
quinceañera fucking queen? She's serving, I don't know-- I feel like you like her because she looks like Elena of Avalor. She looks like Elena of Avalor. We don't have to pick her.
That's okay though. We got some collections.
Let's see, which one's the bitchiest of the bunch. Let's lay 'em out. Well, she looks like she could be a working woman in New Jersey. Yes, true. Oh, there's other sides
to these, I just realized. Wait, what? Oh, I didn't even realize!
Oh, shit. Hey.
Hey. This "For the Queen"
has everything, two sides. Two sides.
Two sides! This one's good too.
These are gorgeous. These are gorgeous.
These are stunning. Hello. Here's a strong contender as well. Very strong contender. Yeah.
Great. All right, you wanna go with this one? What else we got?
Does she have a name? What else we got?
Somebody outta ask me. We got this upset-- Prom queen.
Oh, upsetting, yes. Princes Peach alternate ending. (laughing) Aimee: Princess Peach. We've got a little bit of, there's two ladies in this one. Oh.
Two ladies. We love when a lady is two ladies. (laughing) What about the other side?
Yeah. You got a second queen for free? For free.
This stunner. She's beautiful.
Oh, she's cute. She's real pretty.
Gorg. She's too nice for us.
Yeah, she's too nice. Yeah, I think that's right.
Don't forget the back. Oh, here's a spooky--
Spooky-ooky. Spooky-ooky--
Ooh. Emerald queen.
I'm scared of her. She's also spooky.
Okay, I like it. Little spooky, all right,
we got spooky action. All right, we gotta pick one 'cause they're shaking the teleprompter. Butterfly Queen.
Oh, that's cute. Mononoke. (laughing) Yeah, Ghibli horror. Ghibli horror. Moon goddess.
No goddess. Aimee Carrero. Aimee Carrero. I'm between this lovely
lady, the power lady-- Aimee Carrero.
And Aimee Carrero of Jersey. Okay, I'm gonna narrow it, I'm whittling, that's my thing.
That's Dominican Princess. You're the guests. I'm gonna whittle and you have to choose between Aimee Carrero and power suit. I mean, I'm gonna pick Aimee Carrero, but I know everybody likes the power suit, so we discussed the
power suit during the break, so I feel like we should
go with power suit. What do you feel, Liam?
I defer to our guests. That's what I do.
Power suit it is. Power suit.
Power suit! Let's go.
Aimee Carrero lives to fight another day. Hey, when you get this--
There is our queen. It will be available at some point. The quinceañera queen. Yeah, you have to play with
Aimee Carrero and tag her. Okay, now I keep reading, correct? Yeah.
Number seven, find a card that reads,
"The queen is under attack. Do you defend her?" You got it?
Yeah. And remove it from the question card deck. Then shuffle the remaining question cards and place them face down
in the center of the table. This is too good.
Do you feel like at home? Yeah.
From New Jersey. That's (indistinct).
What you gonna do? What you gonna do?
All right, all right, all right.
We're gonna read about you shortly.
Here it comes. Matt: All right, shuffle
the cards, put to the side-- Every time I have an interaction. Put that card right there. All right, place the card that reads, "The queen is under attack. Do you defend her?"
randomly into the middle of the question card deck for a game to last about an hour, and to the bottom 1/3 of
the deck lasts for two hours. So I'm gonna put it in the very bottom, we'll be here for six. Perfect. You know we're gonna go slow. I'm gonna--
Near the top, I think we're going for a--
Yeah, I'll put it in there. Wah.
I'll put it in there, a little bit above the middle. When you have read the rules cards... (burping) Poetry. That is poetry.
Excuse me. Never interrupt me a-fucking-gain. I'm so sorry.
When you have read the rules cards, take turns
drawing question cards and reading them aloud. Ooh, I smelled it.
Interpret... Oh, I smell it. (laughing) Salmon bowl. It's giving kind of a sandwich. Whew. It made me hungry.
Phantom deli over here. Yeah. (laughing) The phantom deli is under
attack. Do you defend it? Interpret your card and
answer it however you wish. Okay. Other the players may ask you questions or make suggestions on your turn, but whether you answer those questions or include those suggestions
is entirely up to you. Hey, yo. I'm not retaining any
of this, just so you know. I know. It's gonna be fine. Place the X card somewhere
everyone can easily reach it. X card. Aimee can't reach it
'cause she's got little arms. (grunting) We'll just sort of imply it. Just yell, "I'm uncomfortable." Aimee: I'm uncomfortable. If you encounter a question or an answer that you don't wanna
be included in the game, taps the X card. That content is removed from the game. Why would we wanna remove it? Because something
you don't feel comfortable. No, nothing comfy.
Content you didn't like. But also, sometimes it's just like, oh, this is a question that
doesn't feel relevant to, sorry, I'll do it in the accent. It doesn't feel necessarily relevant to what I'm doing as a character, so you can just X it out.
I understand. If you draw a card that is
removed this way by yourself or someone else, simply draw another card and continue your turn as usual. Perfect. Aabria: It's easy. We
don't gotta talk about it. You can also choose not
to take a turn on any round. To do so, say, "Pass." The next player can
answer the question you drew or draw a new one, as they prefer. (laughing) Prefer. Continue answering question cards until the Queen is Under
Attack card is drawn. Aabria: Delightful. That's when the game essentially ends. Someone pulls the
Queen is Under Attack card, then we all kind of take around from there. You give a little like
like, how does it end? Each player should
answer that question in turn, then the game is over.
Perfect. Whoever wants to can
draw the first question card. End of rules. Not gonna be me.
I'm gonna do it. Fuck you.
(clapping) The queen made a dire
threat before this journey began. Do you think she'll carry it out? So here's the thing. We are traveling from Jersey to Boston, which is north, I think.
(laughing) I do not know how the East Coast works. That's correct.
Do not worry about me. It's north.
About it. Let me do that accent. I won't, I simply won't.
Can't do it. I don't have that in
me, I barely have this. Y'all are gonna keep me locked in. We're doing a little like
mergers and acquisitions thing. Yeah, for sure.
And she did, as part of the negotiation tactics, sort of threaten to
disassemble a toy company and kind of scrap everyone
for parts on the way. I, here's the thing, I love the queen. I think she's great. I think she's powerful. I think her shoulders
could level mountains. I don't think she's got it
in her, but I'm gonna say it. I don't think she'd do it. I think she's got a heart. So the the threat was to--
I'm so sorry. To shut down Toys"R"Us?
Yeah. And the question is, is
she gonna follow through? Yeah, so she was real wild on that call that we were all on, but I don't think she's got it in her. Does she also threaten to
take our petty cash stash? Well, it's not ours. We're fine. We're in the retinue,
she love us, we love her. Yeah, but I'm saying if
she's like, "Go on a coffee run and I wanna buy myself a bagel, I could also buy myself a
bagel with the coffee run money." You know, I haven't seen
her go out on a coffee run in so fucking long.
Me? No, her.
No, I'm saying me. Who cares? Why are you talking about you stealing? Do I have to be worried about you? Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit, all right. Aimee: No, I don't know
how this game works. No, you're perfect. So we have to figure
out if we all have to say whether we think she's gonna carry it out? No, no, no.
She does. Aabria: That was just
my, that was my answer. Now you draw a card--
Ah. And then answer the question. Okay, okay. We're creating a story together. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh. Part of you wants this
proposed alliance to fail. Why? You mean the alliance between us? You mean the alliance between us? No, the alliance between, so we are all traveling in the retinue. Boston.
To Boston. Yeah.
Yeah. To whoever's we're meeting in Boston. Yeah. We're meeting a company in Boston to do like a little mergers
and acquisitions thing for the queen.
Yeah. So, with that context, do you want this to work or no? Whatever business she's doing in Boston? Aabria: Yeah. And then you're also kind of inventing the business. Well, part of you wants
this proposal to fail. Why? Why? I do want it to fail,
because here's the thing. What you don't know is that I got a cousin who works with the toy company. Name the company, bitch. Listen, it's Schmos"R"Me. I don't know. Schmos"R"Me.
Schmos"R"Me. And Schmos"R"Me, and we got, you know, my cousin's
got a nice little thing going with them on the side.
Okay. So I want this to fail because I don't want
that company to go under because I get, you know, special perks. Hold on--
My cousin's house. You're double dipping.
I'm double dipping. All right.
So what? All right.
Girls gotta live. Dangerous, dangerous.
Sure, sure. Came in with--
And, and here the thing. You all are also in on it because-- Oh, shit.
You come to my house. You come to my house! And to keep your silence, I throw you a couple dollars
here and there to shut you up. Why are you worrying that
I'm not gonna follow through on keeping my mouth shut?
Ooh, goddamn. Because I don't know you that well. Okay, okay, go ahead.
Incredible, incredible. Asking each other questions is also a fun thing in the game. Yeah, that's a part of it. I don't take cash. I take certificates for
toys from the shelves. Ah.
Ah. Okay, so--
We can work that out. Schmos"R"Me. Schmos"R"Me.
All right, all right. The queen trusts you, but no one else in the
royal court does. Why? That's why.
A beautiful gift. Liam: Because-- Because this motherfucker
doesn't take money. I have two times been
caught embezzling toys (laughing)
in the stock room. Hey, bud, it's not embezzling. I sleep in a giant race car bed that I lifted from the stockroom. Oh my god.
And it's just unbecoming of a grown man.
You live with your mother. Yeah.
For sure. For sure.
I live with my mom. Sam Riegel origin story. (laughing) Yeah, I live with my mom, Nancy. Nancy.
And I got my mom and I matching race car beds.
Incredible. And that's not really becoming of someone in the corporate setting. Yeah.
How the fuck did you get here?
Yeah, I both don't trust him, but
also I'm kind of impressed he was able to get that shit smuggled out.
I honestly, I'm not even mad. This is amazing. Grifters recognize grift. Okay, I don't... So what exactly, sorry,
really quick follow up. Liam: Yeah. When you're not stealing certificates from Cabbage Patch Dolls,
or whatever the fuck you do, what service do you--
I don't steal from toys. That's ridiculous. Oh, that's too far, okay. (laughing) My fucking bad. What do you do with us? Why am I supposed to trust you? We're on our way to Boston,
a long arduous journey. A long journey, indeed. Well, you guys are more-- Three fortnight since, we'll be arriving at our destination. (laughing) Don't forget, we gotta
stop at Pret a Manger. (laughing) I don't eat cheese and
everything there has cheese in it. That's true. Can we go to the little
burrito place on the side? Are you asking why you keep me around? No, I'm trying to figure
out what the fuck you do. Oh, well, because you
guys are like the numbers and the business and security and all like the corporate structure, and I'm like Tom Hanks in "Big." I understand the product. Oh, okay.
Because I use it. Ah.
I sleep in a race car bed. Yeah, all right, sure.
Ding, ding, ding, ding. I love it.
He's our unproblematic child that we can just keep around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But he's gonna outdo us with a big toy idea one of these days.
Oh, no! That's why.
All right, all right. ♪ Da dut da dut, da dut da dut ♪ ♪ Da dut da dut, da dut da dut ♪
♪ Ding, ding, ding ♪ You had a vivid dream about the queen. Oh!
Okay. Aimee: Don't tell us about it. What about it surprised you? Oh. She fucks. Ah, we know that. I mean, just look at that card. Aabria: She's a bottom. Now, as a numbers guy who's been at her side
for quite some time, I just... She's always kept me at
arm's length, you know? I appreciate the money,
I appreciate the respect, I appreciate the comfort
and security that it affords me after a long time of not
having a lot of them things, but I always thought
she just, I don't know, didn't see me as a
person, more of a like a tool, but in that dream, she was very, she was very kind to me, and a little part of me wants to, wants to see if it's based on any truth. Aabria: Mmm. God, it feels like we've been
traveling to Boston forever. Forever. (laughing) On foot.
On foot. Have you considered that maybe you got something in your teeth? She doesn't want you to get too close. Wait, so do we all know about this dream? Did you tell us, or is this like something
you hold in your heart? No, I'd say, I'd say, you know what, I've probably come to you to talk about it since I felt that you're
a person that maybe, I don't have many people I
can confide in, so I told you, I'll tell you the truth every time. I know. (laughs) So I'm now obsessively brushing my teeth the entirety of this journey. That's good. That's good.
Oh, no. It's better for everybody.
Yeah. His gum health is gonna
deteriorate at some point. Yeah.
Hey, Biggie, Aimee: Get a water pick. So like, we're in maybe Long Island? Sure.
On foot? Yeah, of course.
Okay. Got so many hours--
Got a ways to go. Hours, yep, yep. Just a couple hours ago-- We're in Bayonne, New Jersey. Bayonne. (laughing) What a pull. I was in a John Patrick Shanley play. I know Bayonne,
Wow. (laughing) My estimation of Carrero
just shot up like seven points. Thank you. Bayonne. You know Bayonne? I know Bayonne.
Geez. I went to high school--
You did? With lots of guys from Bayonne. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Having a whole moment.
All right. I have more follow up questions about your dream of the Queen, but I'm gonna let it go for now. Let it simmer. What is the most difficult
part of this journey? What makes you so adept at overcoming it? The lack of a car. (laughing) So that's kind of the thing. I don't know who was
supposed to schedule the car. Might have been Dream Boy over here. It wasn't in the budget, all right. What do you mean it wasn't in the budget? It wasn't in the budget. I wasn't given a car budget. Fucking ridiculous, the most-- Guys, the meeting's
in three hours. (laughs) It's in three hours.
We're never gonna get-- You know what makes me so
fucking adept at overcoming it? I have a Range Rover. (laughs) And I kind of just jog it back-- It's on neutral.
Neutral, yeah. We're pushing it along. Yeah, I jog it back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We only got to Long Island, so I'm just-- You're just slow rolling alongside us. Yeah, I'm ghost riding the whip. Queen sitting in the back. Yeah. Vibing.
The AC is off. No, she's got the AC on for her, but there's nothing going on in the back. We're all just like JFK jogging along-- For sure. She's got a little iPad.
She's so booked and blessed. She's busy.
Yes. She's doing SpongeBob dentist. But oddly, one of those cell phones as big as a phone book with a spiral cord-- Yes.
To the front of the car. What year is this? It's like
a Wes Anderson movie. There's no way to fucking know. There's no way to know.
There's no way to know. No way to know.
So anyway, we got a car now. Oh, the Queen made you feel something you never felt before. Do you want it to happen again? Aabria: Oh, shit. She fucks. The queen has made me feel-- Aabria: Mm-hmm. I don't wanna-- Do it. No, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna rise above. She's made me feel--
First time for everything. She's made me feel
self-conscious for the first time. I don't want it to happen again. Oh, no.
She's so powerful. Her fucking things are too big. You know, I was always that
bitch when I walked in a room and then now she walks in a room and all of a sudden I become this bitch. I don't like it. Aabria: Oh, don't be like Biggie. So it--
Honk, honk. (laughing)
Beep, beep. Do you think it's just your own personal interpretation in her presence or do you think it's
intentional on her part to make you feel that way? No, no, it's my own shit. I gotta talk to my therapist and I would, except here I am jogging in the back of this Range Rover, trying to get to Boston. Had to cancel my therapy session, and now those feelings
are coming back, right. Wow.
That's tough though. That's rough.
That's fair. It's fucked.
I'm so sorry. It's fucked. Guys, it's called a pogo ball. A pogo, (laughs)
Stand on it and jump. And it gives you a feeling of freedom. Just for two seconds, a
quarter of a two second. All right.
It's a pretty good idea. This journey isn't just about
diplomatic negotiations. What else do you suspect
is going on and why? Aimee: Mm. Aabria: This is important. I know that there's been some cost cutting going on at the company. There's been talk of downsizing, and I suspect that one
of us is going to be let go. Ooh. Okay, the way you're
looking at me right now makes me uncomfortable. You think just because I'm staring at you and tugging--
Pulling the ear. My earlobe mean--
(laughing) Hold on. Hey, Biggie, what the fuck have you heard? Hey, Carol Burnett, what
the fuck have you heard? Lemme be so clear. There's a ring pop in it for your ass if you explain to me
what the fuck you heard. She's gonna put a ring pop in your ass? Oh no.
No. It's got a flared base. Oh, (mumbles) (laughing) We know that the queen--
Oh, no. Aimee: Spicy coming out. We know that the queen runs a tight ship and doesn't like anybody to rock the boat. So, I'm just saying. Hold on.
I'm just saying. Uh-oh, I think I've been rocking the boat. I think I've been--
I don't know. Doing my job in legal, which is making sure she's aware of the ramifications of-- Oh yeah, yeah, if anyone's
been rocking the boat, it's-- Yeah, it would be, not me, though. Aimee: He's the one having dreams. He's having dreams. He's a fucking child. What the--
I'm a wunderkind. Wunderkind, I don't even speak German. (laughing) You're 55, what are you talking about? (laughing) That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Best hobby horse ever. (laughing) Mom, come test it out. Well, I'm a cowboy. So wait, is the ring pop
like a pre ritual then? (laughing) Like flavor the ground before you... Anyway. Anyway.
You're the love of my life. No.
When was the last time the queen used you. Oh.
Oh. Oh, that's a sad one.
Oh. It could be better. That's a way to use that. There's a way that could go. She's only nice in the dreams. Oh.
Oh. Oh, I got sad again. No, he's a real Debbie
downer, this one, I can tell. Really?
Real sad sack. Aabria: Oh. I mean, I wish I could
say it's been a while, but you know. ♪ It's been a while ♪ (laughing)
There it is. ♪ Since I could hold my head up high ♪ There's been a lot of
very emphatic requests to make sure that I
creatively organize our assets. Aabria: Mm. Uh-oh. I've been very upfront about how dangerous the balance is and what's at stake if we're forced into
any problematic reality of exposing these creative uses. But, subtle threats and delicate promises keep me from putting up much of a fight. So I'm a little nervous, to be honest. And she's been doing this off and on for the past few months. Last time was not more
than a couple weeks ago, in preparation for this negotiation. And I don't know if I did a very clean job. Uh-oh, well, we're gonna
find out, it's April 14th. Jesus Christ. No, I have follow up questions. Okay, okay. I'm not gonna pull a card yet. All right. What if we get, what's
not the word indicted? What's the thing where they-- Audited.
Audited. Audited.
Yeah, you got it. What if we get audited? It'll be fine, it's all very clear. You said you weren't sure. Internally, yes.
Oh. Putting up a good front. It's not so good. Well, you see the beats of sweat whenever questions come up.
Yeah. Who in the group do you think shared your sort of internal misgivings with the queen herself? Oh. Did you ever figure out who it was? There's only one person
I've been fairly open with. Oh no, I'm not a narc, listen here. I would never, I'd sooner call the IRS than tell that, you know what? But why would I do that? Think about it, why would I do that? I got a whole thing going with my cousin Schmo and me. Me or you. I don't remember the name, but-- Schmos "R" Me.
The perks-- Schmos "R" Me.
Like, are me. Why would I do that? Why would I put that in jeopardy? Me doth think the lady
doth protest too much. I just ruined-- Aimee: You know what doth means? I don't. Don't talk to me in words I don't know. Aabria: I don't fucking
know what it means. I don't what that's disrespect. I dunno what that means.
It emotionally appropriate. Dunamancy.
Dunamancy. Oh yes, your safe word, I'm gonna stop. This one's called Polly Pockets. It's a little bowling
bag, but you open it up and there's a bowling alley inside. It's like a whole other world. You've got a lot of good ideas. I could see Lena Dunham-- Doing that.
Doing a movie of that. Sure.
I'd watch it. She's gonna.
She's gonna. (laughs) Whether or not we're ready. Whether or not we want it.
Yeah. It doesn't matter if we want it or not. Anyway, all I'm saying,
if I'm saying anything, is just keep an eye out. Watch who you trust. It wasn't me. It'd be a very, very
interesting phrase to, you know, offset any sort of concerning
delving into your interests. Mine? My interests are the
interests of this company and the interests of the group at large. And I don't know why I don't like this. I'm gonna answer another question. Aimee: Don't trust a lawyer. Rude. You sometimes think you
might be the queen's favorite. (laughing) Why? And why does this worry you? You know what, this doesn't feel like, look, this absolutely feels like a card I would want to answer with
the characterization I have. But for the sake of, you know, highlighting the way this
game can go, if you want it to, I want you to answer this, Biggie. Aimee: Oh. You sometimes think you
might be the queen's favorite. Why? And why does this worry you? Well, I mean, I got into real
trouble back at the beginning when I stole the two race car beds. Aimee: What did you steal? The race car beds, I
took them from the stock. Oh, stole the race car beds. Yeah, I took them.
That's why, so impressive. They were embezzled. They got that shit out of the warehouse without anyone noticing. I just put sheets on 'em and rolled 'em out on the dolly. (laughing) Did you drive 'em home? He's going to sleep-- Just push them down the road, vroom, vroom Liam: And just scooch them. (laughing) All the way to Bayonne.
Using my feet. He scooched his ass to Bayonne. I used my feet like Fred Flintstone. Yabba dabba do, obviously.
But then-- That's how it was-- it was all water under the bridge. It was all water under
the bridge after that because I proved myself
through my familiarity and my sort of my finger
on the pulse of all the toys. Sure.
As a 55-year-old man. Yeah.
Yeah, I understand. But I still question, I know that she remembers the embezzlement. Yeah.
Yeah. And despite all the
good years, I think maybe, maybe those chickens
will come home to roost. We just reached Hartford, Connecticut. (laughing) Aimee: Wow, we're going fast. Really speeding up.
All right. One of us is from Los Angeles, California, does not know how far we've gotten. (laughing) Great. We did it, Huh?
Yeah, it's your turn now. Why?
'Cause I gave the card-- Oh yeah, okay, here we go. Oy, oyo. Oh, I got two cards. Matt: Put 'em back, put 'em back. The Queen once expressed a desire you knew you couldn't fulfill. What have you done about it? Why are you reading it like that? It's the funniest-- Easy, I can't read, I said easy. I got a third grade level of reading. And what have I done about, expressed a desire you
knew you couldn't fulfill? I lied, that's what you do. That's what you do to the people you love. You lie to them. What accent was that? (laughing) Listen. We're just getting all over the map. She wanted me, she wanted me to do, huh? You can find that accent in New Jersey. That's true, you can find... no, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing more like a Spanish
Harlem accent or something. No, I knew I couldn't fulfill this one expressed dream she had, desire. Why are all your questions lewd? Well, my mind's in the gutter. It was born in the gutter. It's gonna die in the gutter. Have you seen those fucking shoulder pads? Why are you not in the gutter with us? Yeah, come on, so-- Mind to solve, there's--
It's more about the... Excuse me.
Fuck it. She's looking at us like
she knows something, It's more about the pose
for me, it's a power pose. That's a lesbian pose
that I've ever seen one. Aabria: For sure. It's good to be here. Listen, what have I done about it? No, I lied to her. She doesn't know I lied.
Maybe she knows I lied. Maybe she knows I lied and respects me more for it, how's that? Mm.
Wow. You know what, I over
promise and I under deliver. (laughing) When was the last time the queen was gentle with you? Aabria: Oh god damn. That was again part of my origin story when I broke down in her office, when she exposed me as
an embezzler of race car beds, and I wept like a little boy. You do everything like a little boy. Aimee: It's not a stretch for you. It's where I live. And she put her hand
on my shoulder that day and said, "You get this one chance." Oh,
I love that. "If you cross me again--" Fuck, it's over. "You're dead".
Oh shit. "You motherfucker, I'll kill you." Oh yeah.
Okay, that doesn't-- With my own bare hands. Aabria: It feels like that's-- And put you in the
meadowlands next to Hoffa. Oh, wow.
So don't fucking-- Swim with the fishes.
Cross me. Okay.
She was so gentle. Yeah, so that was sort
of my follow up, but-- Aimee: She's a Aries. She is an Aries. I heard, you know what I heard? I heard she's a Scorpio Stella. That makes sense.
It does. Makes sense.
It does. You are so fast with a zodiac at all times. Are you not?
I can't help it. You're like a gun slinger. You're just like, (imitates gun clanging) What are you, a... I can't think of one. Don't ask me.
Are you trying to come up with it for
his character or for Liam? Aimee: For his character. Oh, he is giving big Cancer energy. (shouts) Oh, how could you? Aabria: Okay, whatever,
he could be a Pisces. Who's next?
I'm gonna get in there. Incredible. You've seen a side of the
queen that no one else has. Do you hope to see it again? Okay. What is happening? I feel like--
Just the two of us, Just sort of between the two of us, I feel like the cards
are like, fuck this queen. Aimee: Yeah. And it's just sort of
Matthew over here on the-- Aimee: It's just coming. On the precipice being like, no. (laughs) Aimee: Yeah. He's the
one keeping you all together. You know what?
Yeah. The dream that I had
before this journey happened and that aspect of me kind of longing for that respect and attention-- Oh.
Oh. Especially given the hard things that I've been asked to do weighing on me. Partway through this journey, she brings me into the
vehicle, the sinking one. Sure, we all step out and
kind of walk quietly beside it. And she expresses for the first time really like a gentle appreciation
for the difficult and illegal things I've
done for the company and for what she's built. And, I don't know, there was a smile. I've never had her smile at me before. I don't know what that means, but part of me would do
anything to see it again. We just crossed the
Massachusetts state line. We made it. We are
some amount of ways away. Aimee: I think we gotta stop for gas. (laughing) It's a gas guzzler. It would go a lot faster if we did. And she's using the
AC, oh, that's the battery. Oh, she's using the AC. I know cars. You're doing great.
All right. Look, let me be clear.
Cost savings. There's no universe in which, us walking quietly beside the Range Rover, we didn't clock that fucking smile. Aimee: Yeah. So what the fuck are we gonna do about it? Well, I feel--
Sorry, this is not a follow up for you, but I am getting nervous
about this motherfucker. I feel secure because I
got a glimpse of the ankle. Hold on, I thought you were
feeling sort of insecure and-- No, no, about myself, insecure. Secure in my relationship with the Queen because I seen the
ankle, she flashed it to me. Aabria: She flashed a little ankle to you? Not everyone gets to see it. Sure, okay. You're fine and not worried. What about you Biggie? I'm just pushing the car going, ♪ It's slinky, it's slinky ♪
Motherfucker. ♪ It's fun for a boy and a girl ♪ ♪ It's fun for a boy and a girl ♪ Reverse it, it's different. All right, so it looks like
I'm kind of on my own here. Interesting. I'll remember that. ♪ I'm on my own ♪ I got a follow up question. How much are you getting paid? Oh, a lady--
To drive this? To drive this, to drive
us to our little thing? No, no, you have a Range Rover. I don't have a Range Rover. I don't have no car. We live in New Jersey. Is this a company car or a personal car? No, it's a personal car.
It's a personal car. How much are you getting paid? I think a lady never tells. So don't fucking worry about me. You're so secure in yourself,
stay secure in yourself. No, I'm secure in my position. Don't worry about it.
Great. Don't worry about me. I'm gonna handle my own shit. I don't wanna drive my Kia Fiesta no more. (laughing)
Especially when I know-- It's a Ford Fiesta.
Oh, whatever. You got a rare crossover. (laughing) It was a collab, all right. I waited in line at the factory for it. I didn't know there was Range Rover money being thrown around. Well, maybe if you weren't double dipping all the fucking time, you'd be able to--
Oh. Oh.
What? What? That's rude.
I'm just saying, you're the one that's like, "Oh, I love "Radical Candor," or what the fuck ever.
I'll remember that. What do you do for the queen that no one else could? Don't fucking worry about it. Oh.
I know, no matter what you think or say, I've got her secrets on lockdown. I don't tell, and that
means I am invaluable to the company and the queen herself. So I think all of you should keep on pushing and will make it to Boston at some point. (laughs) Is there ever a moment
where you consider that, because you keep so many secrets, that you're also the one
that's most dangerous to keep around and lie?
Hey, hey, hey, that's right. Truly, truly-
Oh, that's upsetting to consider.
truly outrageous. Shit. (laughs)
(laughs) She will make you--
I got jammed. (laughs) I got sort of a double whammy of a terrifying truth and jam. (laughs)
So, fuck. Well, I think I'm just
going to sort of weep behind my Range Rover for a little bit.
Yeah, you think on that, you think on that.
Yeah, I'm not doing great anymore.
(laughs) It was so good, and we came down so quickly. (sighs)
What did you do? What did you bring? (laughs) (laughs) Aabria: Did you fully
pivot on the card? (laughs) You're doing so good.
"What did you bring with you to protect the queen?" Well, a lady never leaves the house without her little, tiny, baby weapon. And it's a little gun, but it is gorgeous.
Mm. There's a nice mother
of pearl in the handle. Aabria: Oh, that's nice. But it doesn't have any bullets, it just has a little flag that pops out with a little flag that's a white little flag. But you don't know that, you don't know that, you don't know that, the thieves don't know that, only I know that. But do you make us very
aware that you're carrying a piece around?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. But you know that I'm for gun control, so you don't kind of believe it. You know that I'm not
actually going to shoot you, but they don't know that. So that's what I brought. I also brought--
(laughs) Gun control and carrying around a gun are very contradictory.
Welcome to Jersey. (laughs)
Listen, listen, listen. (laughs) What is it? Fiscally conservative, socially liberal. (laughs)
That's something probably. The very New Jersey.
Ooh. (laughs) Also, I brought her diary. Her diary?
I want to protect her from herself. I want her to know that I know the secrets just like you do. Let me be so clear. We have to have a conversation about where the fuck you got
the queen's diary from. Well, she doesn't lug her own shit around. Do you ever wonder what my job was? I'm the bag lady, I hold-- So you're going through her bags? Is that for her protection-
I hold the bags. or for yours?
Yeah, does she know you have it?
It's for both of our, of course she knows, I'm the bag lady, I hold her bag. What do you think the queen would do if she knew that you
knew her little secrets in her little diary? She must know, I carry around her tampons, I carry around her diary, I carry around her Gas-X. (laughs)
She knows I know. Maybe she knows that you know that she knows that you know. Matt: That's why we're
walking outside of the car. (laughs) Yeah, she's been crop dusting the whole way there.
Yeah. (laughs) Do you need another one? (laughs) Throws a tampon in.
(laughs) The windows look just
like that car in Titanic, they're all fogged up.
(laughs) The queen thinks more highly of you than you do of yourself. Oh.
How do you know this? 'Cause I know that I'm a
dirty, dirty kleptomaniac for race car beds-
Oh. and anything I can get
my grubby little hands on. I have more Cabbage
Patch Kids in my basement than I do food- Yikes. Well, those will actually probably increase in value over time.
Oh yeah, they'll sell for a good little bit.
For sure. but she just says I have talent. Damn.
I know, I'm sick of that. You got talent.
(laughs) And she likes talent above all things. Aabria: I don't know. Did you get all them Cabbage Patch dolls at the factory in Georgia? (laughs)
Where they pluck 'em from the fields and talk about the strange
religious undertones to their creation, do you know about this?
Do I sense a tone of mockery or derision?
(laughs) Uh-oh.
No, not at all.
Are you questioning the origin- Aabria: Oh shit. and the School of Xavier?
No. Aabria: Xavier? No, not at all.
Oh, you thinking of Precious Moments? Oh.
Two different dolls. No, there is actually a factory.
Cabbage Patch, too? No, out near Helen, Georgia. Oh.
No, for sure. Precious Moments is its own thing. And honestly--
And there's a church. And no, no derision-
Yeah, we can't even get that. just a question.
They come from the fields. Not everyone's trying to figure out some dark, what you hiding over there, Geppetto?
Don't steal the magic from my heart. All right.
Oh, no, I like it when they fight.
(laughs) This is good for me specifically. The queen has a pet name for you. Oh my god.
Aw. Please.
God, you're really getting all the worst questions.
(laughs) You take all the wordy cards. Do you appreciate it? Yeah. (laughs)
(laughs) Bro. "Dear diary, my name is the queen, and I keep trying to fuck this one guy. And he is just not."
And he's not getting it. "I've been calling him
The Tripod for months." (laughs)
(laughs) "For months. And I keep leaning in and saying, 'The tripod is your penis,' and he just walks away and does the taxes." She's called me Siggy for a long time, 'cause a lot of the paperwork, I have to sign off on it. Siggy.
Aw, Siggy. She goes, "Get Siggy in here." And I've actually not liked it until she smiled today. Aw.
And now, I've kind of taken a new shine to it. (sighs) Do we not see
what's happening here? Yeah, well, he's a
little side piece, and he doesn't even know about it.
You don't think she calls you that because you smoke like a chimney? But think about this, you and I need to have a
full fucking conversation. I have to ask her about the spelling. (laughs) We have--
She spells it like cigarette.
(puffs) As I put it out real fast. (laughs)
(claps) We've got a klepto. Ad whatever the fuck is happening over here.
What's happening over here? Look, if one of us is getting the... (laughs) Where did
this cigarette come from? Why's he holding it like a blunt? (laughs) (puffs)
It's 'cause he's holding it in such a long holder. Yes, yes, yes, yes. "Oh, back to the queen." (laughs) Why you smoke Virginia Slims? (laughs)
Is what I want to know. I don't trust it.
It's what my grandpa smoked, it's what I smoke, okay?
Yeah, all right, I thought so.
Sure. I like the taste. (laughs) "I like the taste." Look, one of us is getting the cut here, and I don't think it's this one- No.
or little Lord Foloroy here pitching new toys that are almost exactly
like toys that exist. (laughs) Look, (laughs) let me be honest here. If anyone's going to go, it's going to be me. I'm the bag lady, I understand.
What? So what are you going to do about it? I know all her secrets, I'll just take her diary, I'll blackmail her, it'll be great. Why don't you go try to cut a deal with Siggy or something? Oh, no, I don't want to be around him. You don't like Siggy?
Oh, I like him, I don't want to be around him, he always has shit in his teeth. (laughs)
Reeks of tobacco. He keeps. (coughs) Is she looking at me?
It's an ashtray, no. She need me, no? No.
(laughs) Look at this, so fucking thirsty. (laughs) Incredible, all right. I think they're making-
This has really gone off the rails.
fun of me. Aw.
Are we allowed to call you Siggy or just the queen? Are you calling me Siggy now? To your face.
Yeah, we're going to call you Siggy.
(laughs) I'm responding to it, yeah. Oh my god.
Hmm, I love high fantasy.
Amazing. (laughs) Genre agnostic, man. (laughs)
Yeah, baby. It can be anything you want it to be. Does this look like fantasy to you? No, (laughs) mine, yeah. (laughs) My kind of fantasy, I like it when girls are mean. Hey, that was great, that was great. Hell yeah. What did you bring with you that endangers the queen? Jesus Christ. (laughs)
You brought Jesus with you? Yes.
I brought the Lord. (laughs) Commit, commit, commit. The thing you need to know about me is I am incredibly religious. (laughs) I am a devout Southern Baptist. You can tell from my
voice (laughs) and bearing. (laughs) I have been on an evangelical mission to convert the queen. Oh no.
Yeah, 'cause I just really think that, look, we were kind of making the choice between Cabbage Patch and Precious Moments, and obviously I was stumping really hard for Precious Moments-
I know that. 'cause I had that little Bible, where you could see Shadrach,
Meshach and Abednego. (laughs)
And they're all thrown into a fiery furnace. But their eyes are so big and they're not afraid. They're not afraid.
It's beautiful in pastel.
It's beautiful and horrible at the same time. Have you seen "The Passion," but with a big-eyed baby on the cross? Gorgeous.
That puts butts in pughs. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.
A lot of people don't know this, but there's actually tons of Baptists in southern Jersey. Really?
Oh really? The Southern Baptists. Oh.
Oh, amazing. Southern Jersey Baptists? Aabria: I can't tell if he's doing a bit or really--
It's a bit. Yeah, okay. (laughs)
Oh. (laughs) (laughs)
There's totally lots of Baptists (laughs) in southern Jersey. Yes, and I am the first lady of the Second Baptist
Church of southern Jersey, in a city I cannot name 'cause I never saw the
play that you were in. "Cape May."
Bayonne. Aabria: Bayonne. (laughs) Let's say "Cape May."
So the thing you brought with you that
endangers the queen is faith- Yes, because--
and judgment? Well, it's not so much judgment, it's sort of a changing--
Fiery flames of hell. Yeah, it's a changing priority, 'cause Baptists are known
for one thing above all else, guilt of hellfire. And I think that's going to violently realign her priorities-
Ah. from profit to saving the soul of herself and everyone else.
That's it. (laughs) A moral influence. Mm-hmm.
Okay. We also know that-
Fire and brimstone. She is a big proponent of a separation between church and state- Yeah, yeah-
so it's a bit of a friction point.
just look at her. Yeah, but you know what? I think I'm wearing her down. When was the last time you had the queen's undivided attention? Do you hope to have it again? No, no, I don't.
(laughs) Because the closer she looks at me, the sooner she's going to realize, A, I've been reading her diary, two, I've been wearing her clothes. (laughs) Wearing the queen's clothes? Incredible.
Staying after work, I though you were just-- (laughs) No, I like-
finishing up those contracts.
to play dress up. (laughs) Walking around the office.
Dressing in front of the mirror, trying all them power suits on.
This montage is by... (laughs) Three, I've been fucking her man- Oh shit. or her partner. Oh.
And four, I've been--
Oh, her man? Her man? (laughs) Yeah, what you say?
Whew. Aabria: Okay. Well, my cousin got the thing. Yeah, for sure.
I don't got to say it again, but I don't want her to be looking too closely at me, so no.
Right, right. The last time I had her undivided detention was when I was passing her an Altoid that she asked for and she needed.
Goddamn. And that was the last time, and I don't want it again,# 'cause I was wearing her lipstick. Jesus Christ.
Walking in dangerous waters over here.
Kelsey, I have to ask. With all of the--
Kelsey. (laughs) (laughs) Kelliegh. Sorry, I can never remember. Kelliegh.
With an I-E-G-H. Aabria: Jesus Christ. (laughs) Kelliegh. I need me a smoke after that. (laughs)
Kelliegh. (puffs)~
Roll me one of your Virginia Slims, too.
(laughs) (laughs) That's a thin roll, just. You guys, (laughs) so thin. (laughs)
You have to explain to me, with all of the shit you've got going on, in what universe did you think it was safe or good for you to come with us on this endless (laughs) trek to Boston? Keep your friends close,
your enemies right here. (laughs) Yeah, okay.
That's it. (laughs) But not undivided attention. (laughs)
No, I want divided attention. That's why I want to watch her, I don't want her to watch me. Got it, got it.
What did it look like? I have a question for you, sort of a followup. What did it look like in her face when she found out
through a source (laughs) that we will not name that you're fucking her man? She was like, "Look, that's okay, just don't let me see it."
What? "Just don't let me see it," is what she said.
Shut up, she's so generous.
She said, "That's all right, I don't like him anyway. You go ahead. Don't let me see it." This is fraught. This is (laughs) so fraught. It keeps getting juicier
in a way that I really like. She's very understanding, she's generous, to a degree.
Too generous. Oh my god.
She's not generous with her money. I'm going to have a conversation with her about how marriage should be between one man who is not fucking (laughs) your bag lady.
(laughs) But it's irresistible.
That's all it is, that's all it is.
(laughs) Was it Matthew 20:36? (laughs) Is that when he said that?
Yeah. Yeah-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. don't fuck the bag lady.
Thou shalt not lay with thy bag lady. (laughs)
It was in Romans. It's the 11th commandment, right?
Yes, there it is, there it is.
It's in one of the gnostic gospels. (laughs) Yes.
Don't fuck your bag lady.
(laughs) Crazy.
Whose turn is it? Who can fucking stay?
Mine, but I'm riding a small tricycle now.
(laughs) You know that she's right inside that car, you guys might want to
keep your voices down- Don't tell me what to do.
talking about this very sensitive subject. (squeaks) (laughs) What specific restraints has the queen placed on you that don't apply to anyone else? Keep 50 feet away. (laughs) (laughs)
What (laughs) specific restraints has the queen placed on you that don't apply to anyone else? He's 55, so whatever the restraints she's trying to put on us, she's going to make something happen. Hmm. Aabria: Yeah, let's go. (sighs)
(laughs) Aabria: "Don't look me in the eye." (laughs)
J-Lo. Ham and cheese roll with a bag of chips.
(laughs) And the orange drink, whatever. If you know you know.
It's quarter water, you fucking know.
If you know, you know. Just call it quarter water. They have that shit in California, anyway. Well, for a while, I tried to wear a little one of those
propeller beanies to work, and you know how Tweedledum and Tweedledee look in the old "Alice in Wonderland"?
Unreal. No.
They help me get closer to my work, but then she pulled me aside and made me wear a suit to work. Okay.
With the hat or without the hat? No, without the hat.
Please, not the hat. Oh.
But- But?
my underwear always had things like race cars on them, or giraffes. (laughs)
Oh my fucking god. So I'm stealth keeping it real. (squeaks)
How does this man find (laughs) the little suit?
Thank god for MeUndies. He's on a penny-farthing behind us.
(laughs) And he thinks we can't see his goddamn Underoos. What is happening?
(laughs) But these have T. Rex's. They're riding up the back and you can see all the little Voltrons on the back. (laughs)
(laughs) (claps) Wheel in front, as I'm pulling the car on a bungee cord.
(laughs) You've got the-- It's a thong cut, too.
(laughs) Oh yeah, I was going to say.
He's whale tailing it up there. (laughs)
Yeah. (laughs) You know how finely-
2002 all over again. intricate the Voltrons have to be so that you can see them on a thong?
Wait, you're Halle Berry? (laughs)
Yeah, but I'm impressed more than I'm disturbed by it, really?
Oh my god. Get that cigarette away from me, I can't breathe. (laughs) Matt: Sorry. (grunts)
(laughs) Aabria: He has childhood asthma. (laughs) (laughs)
(laughs) Yeah, I still do. Stupid.
(laughs) Oh my god, no. Hmm. I'm going to ask this to you. (gasps)
Oh. Ooh.
Oh. Who is this distant power you are traveling to? (gasps) And why do they make you uneasy? Aabria: Oh shit. Aimee: Distant power? What in Boston are we
heading towards specifically? Oh.
And why are you very uneasy about it? Oh.
I'm uneasy about it because we're doing this merger, right? Sure.
And this merger could really put a dent in my specific kickback situation. Aabria: Fair enough. So I'm nervous about that because I don't want more eyes looking at me and my
business, you understand? Matt: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's it. (laughs)
How far are you willing to go to make sure this merger doesn't impede on your respective business entries?
Oh. Here's the situation, here's what I'm going to do. When I put her to bed
tonight, put this queen to bed tonight.
You put the queen to bed?
Hey, I'm a bag lady, what you think? I hand her her diary, I put her in her PJ's.
That could mean six different things. Yeah. (laughs)
(laughs) No, no, no, no, listen.
I'd be so clear. Renaissance woman over here. Put her to bed--
Hey, no, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, Siggy, real quick. Yeah, what's up? (puffs) (laughs) That's also fucking crazy. Are you normal at night? (laughs) Given what? Race car bed puts a grown woman to sleep. What's normal really?
It's my job. (squeaks) (laughs)
(hums) I mean, I'm like any other man, I go home, I have a drink- Sure.
I read the paper. Okay, please.
I go on some of them Internet dating sites and message prospectives.
CigDate, for smokers.
(puffs) Yeah, yeah, (sighs) normal, why? No, okay, that's okay,
that's okay, nothing. I just want to make sure.
No, it's my job. I don't like it, it's what I got to do. It's one of those parts of the job. Do you like reading contracts? No. Yes.
So here's what I do. Oh, well, okay for you. So I set out her pajamas real nice- Sure.
I make sure she's got her skincare ready. Then I tuck her in, I give her her diary. And then when she falls asleep, I take her diary and I
read it and I put it away, but I read it before I put it away. So I'm going to know what she plans on doing before she does it. And then one thing I'm going to do, and I never tried this yet, this is a big scary thing I'm about to do. When I put her sleep, I'm going to whisper
sweet nothings in her ear, but instead of sweet nothings, it's going to be, "Don't
fuck me on this merger." Subliminal messages? Subliminal messages.
Casey, are you trying? Kelliegh. I keep forgetting, I'm so sorry. Kelliegh, are you trying to
Incept (laughs) the queen? Yes.
(laughs) You're analog Incepting the queen? (laughs) That's so interesting.
Listen, little by little, I've been dropping hints-
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
here and there. Kelliegh, don't mess with
Kelliegh's business propositions. That's what I've been saying lately. Has it been working? I think so. There's no proof of it, but I think so. Schmos "R" Me and
KGB toys are not a good fit. (laughing) KGB!
Sink them, sink the merger. (laughing) So my question, Carly. Kelliegh!
So sorry. I'll get it one of these days. Sure.
Sure. If your inception route doesn't go through, how far are you willing to go to make sure this merger doesn't happen and eyes are not on you in a way that would, you know, fuck up your bag? (sighs) That's a good question. Thank you.
Dorinda. Dorinda. And you got
it right on the first try. Yeah, I always do.
Thank you. So that's why I don't have a plan B. My plan is-
Okay. My plan A, B, C through
all the way through Z is just the subliminal. I'm doubling, tripling down on it. Okay? Guys-
There's no plan B. Guys, I think I see Boston. Biggie.
It's two miles away. Wow, that's a long way still. (laughing) We'll be there in the next two weeks. (imitates bicycle squeaking) (laughs) Can we get some oil? Wait, no. Isn't that you? I'm done. I did. Oh, yeah. Sorry, that was right. That was his card card, yeah.
My card, ah, ooh. Okay, the queen has ordered you not to speak to another
member of the retinue. Aimee: Oh shit, who? You've been breaking
that rule all fucking day. All the time.
All day! Aimee: I won't tell, I won't tell. Aabria: Who, and do you know why? Dorinda's been speaking? The queen told me not to speak to Biggie. Aimee: Oh. Oh.
Of course. Yeah. Of course I know why. So the thing, unfortunately, here is I have a normal fucking job. Well, so do you, but you
also smoke cigarettes, weirdly. And she doesn't like the
business mixing with the talent. Ah.
So. I think that's a unnecessary silo to everyone's sort of workflow process. And also I've been hearing rumors, they come up to the 18th floor, about this 55-year-old
wunderkind named Graig. Graig.
Graig. Graig. Is his first name cousin. (laughing) I'm the chief creative director. I'm Graig.
He is exactly cousin Graig. But Graig with an I. Aimee: Graig! (laughs) It's with an I and that's so important. So it rhymes with Craig.
Yes, Graig. Graig. Horrific.
Yeah. Your mom's epidural hit a little higher. Damn. Damn.
(laughing) Brain epidural, you know. She could feel everything
from the waist down, nothing from the waist up. It was sort of backwards.
Just the worst. Like a reverse-- (laughing) Aimee: Graig. Matt: Graig. But I dunno, I took this opportunity to try to see what your
deal was and it is fucked. It's not good.
It's not good. Alright. I don't know, there's kind of, an innocence about him I appreciate. He is a grown man. With no worries. Damn, that's real.
I'm gonna pass on this because we've covered it.
Cool. Yeah. Matt: All right, that's perfect. Aabria: We love it. Oh. Alright. Here it is. I'm gonna give this one to you. Aabria: Oh shit, okay. Aimee: 'Cause I'm curious. Thank you. Can you read it for me? Yeah.
I can't read. The Queen ordered you to do something you knew you'd regret. Have you forgiven yourself for doing it? Ooh, juicy The queen ordered me to do something you knew you would regret. Look, I understand that he is a wunderkind. Oh shit.
But I also understand... Yeah, it's time to get real. I don't know when this
fucking card's coming up, but it's time to make some fucking moves. But I don't like my business or my queen being so deeply reliant on one individual for the source of our company's future. And I feel like perhaps
in advance of this merger, maybe cutting off what I
would consider a crutch for her, in him, would be the way to go. So, I regret cutting the
brake line on your tricycle. Oh no. (laughing) It's downhill from here. I'm gonna get to Boston quicker. Look, in the long scheme of things, perhaps I burn in eternal-- That's Boston down there, you guys. Hell fire. But I will know, that like
they say in the good book, Niccolo Machiavelli's "The Prince", you have to be willing to go
to hell for your toy company. So, I have not forgiven myself. I do not expect my Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ to forgive me, but I did what I have to do. No cake at your funeral. (laughing) (groaning) Hmm. What brings out the... a question for the table. (laughing) He ordered something for the table. What brings out out--
A little appetizer. The queen's kindness. Aabria: Okay. I'm so sick of talking about this bitch. (laughing) She's not kind, all right, she's not kind. I spit everywhere. What's-- Matt: Just pass it if
you're not feeling it. Yeah, pick a different card. Pick a different card.
Yeah. I was gonna say corporate-- Just put it, yeah--
Corporate profits. But instead we'll say, what
brings out the queen's cruelty? Yeah.
Yeah. Now we're talking.
Let's go. Alright. Bad takeout. (laughing) Same.
And it's always my fault 'cause I'm the one that gives it. I'm the one that orders it.
What the fuck? I'm the one who gives it to her. What the fuck is Cammy's job, Kelliegh. I'm the bag lady. You know how the president had a bag man. I'm the bag lady, I have all her shit. If she wants me to DoorDash
dash some McDonald's, I do. If she wants me to-- What year is it? It's now. She wants me to DoorDash some sushi in Des Moines, Iowa, I will, even though it's landlocked. She's not gonna like
it, but I do it anyway. All right, fair enough. I think she can smell cruelty. This one time I, I, I, wha-- (screaming) Oh no. Stop. Someone save him. It's Boston, you guys. (laughing) It's beautiful in the Charles River. I'm gonna pass on that. Yeah. And the queen once had you punished. Oh.
Oh. These cards. Maybe it's just how he's reading him? What about--
Yeah, maybe it's you. What about the memory of
that will stay with you forever? Well, the scar is gonna
stay with me forever. I had one little snafu
with some of our filings that got caught before it was submitted, that probably would've put us in a very bad financial position
with the US government. Aimee: Uh-oh. And so there was a strong talking to. It's actually the beginning
of the phrase Siggy and why the name had such a weird thing with me for a while as they sat me down and she slowly pushed one of my cigarettes into my right ear. No.
No. And burned the inside of it. Oh.
Ow. I can still hear out of it, it wasn't that deep into it, but I still bear the scar
there as a reminder. Oh, at least it's an interior scar. Yeah, right? I dunno, it feels like
you're complaining a lot. Look. Liam: She crossed into villain territory. Yeah.
Oh my goodness. Yeah, she's our anti-hero. Yeah.
For sure. I think she's doing great. She's doing great.
Yeah. All right. Aimee: Until the chickens
come home to roost. Offered me comfort. No, I don't want that. I don't want that one little bit. Let's find something fun. Okay. Anyone else could... What does she make... Sure. I'm gonna have you answer this one. Oh, here we go. What do you do for the
queen that anyone else could and why does she make you do it? Explain yourself, Cameron. Well, it's Kelliegh, and there's several things she makes me do. Like she makes me tuck her in. I don't love that part of
the job, as we've covered. It's very weird to me.
Sure. But I do it anyway.
Sure. And I do it with love. Aabria: Do you love her? No, but I love my salary, and-- What do you make? Enough for a Kia Fiesta collaboration. (laughing) You can't get it anymore.
The hot collab. No, she makes me, you
know what she makes me do? She makes me hold the
tissue while she blows her nose. Aabria: Ooh. And I find that particularly horrible. And when she's sick, she makes me take one of those baby suction things where you suck the--
Oh yeah. The snot out of their nose.
Sure. And I know she could blow her own nose. She does it all the time, but whenever she makes me do it, a little piece of me dies. Aabria: Damn. Is the Kia Fiesta where
the indiscretion happened? No, it's always in her bedroom. Go figure. Right in the same bedroom. Oh yeah, tuck her in, she like-- Liam: While she's sleeping? You know, she's like,
I'm getting ready for bed. And then she's like, oh no,
I forgot to blow on my nose. And then I'm like, oh,
that's my cue, I guess. And then I go blow. And then she's like,
sometimes she's like, "I can't", and then I have to get the baby Frida and then I suck it out. Wait, I thought you were
talking about fucking. The indiscretions.
I was talking about-- Oh, do you think she makes you suck the snot out of her nose
because you're fucking her man? Oh yeah, that's definitely part of it. Liam: This is worse than "Succession". (laughing) That's definitely part of it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh boy. That's such a complicated-- Oh no, no, no, I fuck her husband in... Were they married? I don't even know. Aabria: Yeah. Aimee: In the back of this
here Suburb, what is it? Don't fuck in my Range Rover. Aimee: I'm gonna. Dammit.
They married, divorced, and then remarried. Oh yeah, real Elizabeth Taylor situation. That seems a bit convoluted. When you get divorced, stay divorced. All right, it's your card.
My turn? Yeah. Ooh. The queen is under attack. Ah.
Yeah. Do you defend her? Yes. Aabria: Oh? I defend her with my life
because if she goes down, Schmos "R" Me goes down
too, and I can't let that happen. Now do I ask everybody
else if they defend her? We kind of just going around in a circle. I would, but I already have rolled a quarter mile down a hill. (laughing) Do you defend her? Aabria: What happened to you? Into the back of a 7-Eleven. What? Aabria: Oh, I heard of it. Yeah, it's a sad ending. Did you make it or you died? I survived, but I was never quite the same. I lost my sort of inspiration
and artistry with toys. And now... No, I died.
No, he died. (laughing) RIP, Biggie. Oh, unfortunate. Do you think you would've defended her when this mergers and acquisitions turns surprisingly brutally violent. I wouldn't have defended her because I too did not want
the merger to go through. I wanted the purity of Schmos
"R" Me to remain intact. And in fact, I was trying to
misdirect us to Cincinnati, but I'm very bad with directions, and accidentally got us to Boston where we were supposed to be. Wow, well that's close enough. You could have taken us to Miami. Amazing. I'd say I want to defend her. Aabria: Ooh. Shit. This entire trip I was planning not to, since I was the one
that tipped off the Feds to meet here at the place of the merger. Oh, shut up.
Narc. With proof of all the illegal
work that was going on. But I realized too late
that I regret that decision and have instead taken a shine to her in these final moments. But it's too late to change anything. And so I just slowly vanish
into the crowd as they arrive. (laughing) Judas. You would know about that. Oh, a bible reference, I get it. She'll get it.
Incredible. She shouldn't have shoved
the cigarette in his ear. Yeah, well, that's fair. Liam: That probably
painted his point of view. It's so itchy these days. I stay to defend the Queen because I put all my hopes and dreams and the car payment on the flourishing-- $1,200 a month. A month!
A month. Could you imagine?
No. I have other expensive nose based habits, so I really needed this to work out. So I Rhinoplasty costs a lot. Yeah. I just like changing my nose a lot. We go to jail for so long,
but she really does flourish. Underneath those broad, beautiful shoulders line the even bigger
shoulders of a linebacker. And she quickly makes, she's the biggest bitch
in the yard and it's great. And I just sort of stay as
her wing man forever amen. Amen, goodnight. And what do I do? What do you do?
I don't know. You tell us what happens. I give you her bag. Aabria: Oh, thank you. And I say, you're the captain now. Oh shit.
And then I go-- You have full access to her home-- I go bury my friend.
For everything. Oh, you guys were friends?
Bury my friend. Incredible.
It's the right thing to do. I lean in as you give me the
bag and say, "I killed him." (laughing) Wait, stop. What? Lock me up. And then she's stuck in Boston and she doesn't know anybody, and I think, you know,
she dies of loneliness. When you pull me, my broken neck and
head out of the dumpster, Rubik's cubes and muscle
toys and one Voltron line come spilling out of my jacket. He's like the Oogie
Boogie of toys from the 80s. And I'm like, "What I do, no?" (laughing) And, scene. That's been "For The Queen". Well.
"For The Queen". Yay.
What a queen. Beautiful words.
Baddabing. In this game, the narrative can go in so many different themes and moods. The last time I played was like super dark, like a goth shadow kingdom. And everyone was backstabbing each other and it got intense. This was one of the more unique rounds that I've ever played.
Yeah. This was actually really
good and really fun. That was insane. Thank you. God, you have to go try it for yourself. New Jersey makes anything better. It does. I know nothing about Jersey
and I now know even less. Perfect. Did you have the on foot
car standing right there? Yeah.
Slowly crawling to Boston. We gotta make this boardroom meeting. None of us drive, is the thing. We don't have a driver's license. I have a car but I don't drive. What's wrong with you? All right, well that's all the time we have for "More Sided Dive". I wanna thank Matthew
Mercer, Aimee Carrero, Liam O'Brien, and of course, our lovely lore keeper, Dani Carr. Whoa.
(cheering) I'm Aabria Iyengar,
your 23rd tavern keeper. And here's the fucking outro or whatever. ♪ Friends around the
table, time to celebrate ♪ ♪ It's a party, hit the
lights, here we go, go, go ♪ ♪ Waste the night away
with a little escape ♪ ♪ It's a chance to lose control ♪ ♪ So let's just leave this world behind ♪ ♪ Everybody come on, take a dive ♪ ♪ One by one we roll the dice, come on ♪ ♪ Let's go, Critical Role ♪ ♪ Pour another round ♪ ♪ Your friends are here to cheer you on ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Throw it back, it's
good times all night long ♪ ♪ Let go, Critical Role ♪ ♪ No way to lose when
you're having this much fun ♪ ♪ It's your turn ♪ ♪ No way to lose when
you're having this much fun ♪ Aabria: It's not like a specific--
[knocking] Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Who's that? Matt: Kyle, can you get there real fast? Kyle, can you get the door?
Can you get that for us? Kyle.
Can you get the door? Dani: I think that might... Kyle: Is it a birthday thing? Liam: No, just get the door. Aimee: No. Is it your birthday? It's is.
It's your birthday? Aimee: Oh, happy birthday. (gasp) Happy birthday sweetheart. (shouting and cheering) Happy birthday.
Happy birthday. ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday ♪ (explosion booms) (fantasy music)
