- Yay! I, you know what? I find that terrifying. So we're just gonna have a gentle opening. - No, no. This is leading you in. (slams table) - No, that is terrifying. - I love you. Please start with inspiration. Hi. Yep. That's the energy we're starting on. I'm Aabria Iyengar, they let me come back
here to do more of this. And I have not improved
in the intervening- (somber music)
- [Becca] Intervening? - amount of time. Months, some amount of months. We're here to play a
lovely little one shot. But before we get started, why don't we introduce the squad? And I'm gonna start at the
far end with my boy Beans. - My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. - [Abbria] Yeah! - Today I will be playing, Citizen Doctor Abraham Mehermblur. When there's something strange in your neighborhood. (Mika laughs) Good! (all laugh) - Yay! - I can't follow that. - You gotta! - I can't. - Look we'll bounce. We're gonna go outside in. Freddy!
- Okay. - You're up!
- Hello, hello folks! - Also, hi! - Hi!
- Hey! (all cheer)
- Welcome to the squad! - Thanks for having me, I'm Freddy. I still haven't decided on the voice, but I think I'm gonna go with Preston Pelviskrown. (Brennan laughs) - Yes.
- Yes! - A small Danish child, who wants to kill a monster, yes. (all laugh) Race, stout halfling,
and class, upper middle. (laughter and applause)
- That's a good boost. You know what? Inspiration. - [Mika] Love that!
- Yeah, a lot of wealthy always say upper middle. We know it's straight upper. (overlapping chatter and laughter) We have a comfortable- - We have a comfortable life, yes. - We don't have a yacht! - Oh we get it, you have
five escalades, all right. - And Nazi gold in a safe somewhere. - [Mika] Right! - But, not like that much Nazi gold. - Nein, you know gold, it
has no memory, you know, you could say it's just gold. (all laugh) - Mika, you're up now. - I am up now. My name is Mika Burton. I've been inspired by
a very popular TikTok, where we heard somebody say 'uncut gems'. - Uncut gems.
- Uncut gems. - Celeste is a satyr, and she is a ranger, and she is a Drakewarden, and she has a really cute little dragon. And she's here to party. - Oh my god.
- We're casting vocal fry. - Oh yeah. My throat is going to be
destroyed by the end of this. - [Aabria] Yeah.
- So let's fucking go, dude! - Yes! Bring us home. - Woo. (Aabria laughs) - Hey y'all, my name is Becca Scott. But you know that from the lower third. (all laugh) - This energy is excellent! - [Mika] Oh my god. - Today, I'm playing Yahui Wahoodle. (all laugh) - I'm warforged, so like picture a metal turtle. But like, I'm not a turtle. I've got long arms and a really long neck. - Merely a turtle shaped robot. - Oh my god, this might be weird, but like, I think I love Celeste? - Oh my god! So many people have said that about me. - Cool, I see that, I get that. I'm fine with being your friend. But like, just putting that out there. (all laugh) - That energy hits so close to home. Wild. So, each of you finds yourself as a member of the illustrious group, Citizen Doctors Without Borders. A strange though benevolent
non-profit organization, adventuring group, that seeks to expand the
understanding of Necronomics! And other, such morally gray
esoterica, in the world. Before we get into our adventure. I just wanna know, and I know the audience wants to know, how Abraham Mehermblur, was saddled with this group in particular. So, let's start with Yahui Wahoodle. - Yahui is like just happy to be here. - Vibes. - And once I meet someone, and they let me in their tribe, I'm in their tribe. and I'm not gonna let that tribe get broken up. So, I'm here for my friends. Also, I can manifest an echo
to like help people out, keep 'em safe. - I love that. Thank you, Yahui. Let's move our lens over to Preston. - [Freddy] Okay. - Preston Pelviskrown. (laughs) Pelviskrown? - Uh yeah. - Okay.
(Freddy laughs) - It's spelled pelvis-crown, and I am staring at that. (Becca laughs) You, being a comfortably
affluent little halfling, tell me about the night
before you set out with CDWB. - I do feel like that Preston (chuckling) is in the
wrong place a little bit. - [Abbria] Yeah. - Because I think that
Doctors Without Borders is pretty much diametrically opposed to his goal of getting a kill. You know? So it's like, (laughing) in my head,
it's like one of those, like, the butlers walk in, and runs into another butler, and like, oh, they bump into each other, and then they pick up like the- - [Aabria] Yes!
- You know, the itinerary for the next day! (all laugh) and ones like a doctor. But was like, "Oh, this must be- Whoa, I'm sorry." So that's- he's completely out of
his element here, yeah. - I have never seen a more graceful, like I want to play a character
that should not be here. (all laugh) - [Aabria] Yes. - I have never seen more gra-
- That's honorable. - [Brennan] Like, you see
that, and you're like, okay, but there's gotta be a reason you're with the team. And it's like, yes, there was a slippery
hands of a butler- - It was the slippery hands. It happens all the time!
- [Brennan] And you're like, my god, it's a perfect explanation. - They open the-
(all laugh) They look at the itinerary and goes like, "But that means!" And you hard cut to- some doctor just getting, just stabbed 1,000 times. (all laugh)
- If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, Schtephen, I want 30 days of itinerary
printed in advance. (all laugh) - He's just out there with like a printing press in the back. Like, "I don't know why I
can write this by hand." What is the technological
level of D&D? I don't know. - We never know. - D&D doesn't know. (all laugh) - It doesn't know. This is great. Uh, then we're gonna change
the energy for a little bit. Celeste. I want to revisit your
exit from the Feywild. (ominous music) You are moving on beautiful dappled satyr legs. As you like skim across
the grass in this like wide open field that
seems to extend forever in every direction. There's no cover. - Are you in my dreams? (Brennan and Mika laugh) - For some reason, Yahui's there, as the sun, looking down at you. - Oh, like the Telletubies baby? - You're sprinting across this, and you can hear hooves and hounds, as you are being hunted down, by members of your Court. There's no like tree line
that you're moving toward. The grass line is no higher
than like your mid thigh. So, you know you can't really
duck down and do any hiding. What do you do? What are you doing in this moment? - Probably just sitting
down at that moment, and realizing, like, there's
nothing that can be done. It's the end. - You pause in your tracks, and the blood sort of catches up, and rushes into your ears. And it deafens you just a little bit, as they get in closer and surround you. The main huntsman, you see him like lowering this horn away. As he like, he's a centaur, so he
is both steed and being, (Mika laughs) chasing you. Looks down at you. How long have you been running? - Uh, probably about a week. It's a long hunt. - Days and days without rest. Without abatement. - Your stamina is incredible! (Mika and Brennan laugh) - All right, I'm glad you spoke up. You are now playing him. What's his name? - Fitz Warden Bittlesbeak. - That's gonna be easy to remember,
- Good respectful name. That's good. - As you finally close in on your quarry, you've been hunting her. At the Summer King Oberon's request. You see, he pulls up in
a chariot beside you. My boys on the end, I need someone- You both need to roll a D20. - Six.
- [Aabria] Okay. - 19. - [Aabria] You are playing
Oberon the Summer King. (mutters incoherently) (all laugh) - The Summer King says, "Quarry well met." - Gives a thumbs up from the back of- (all laugh) nods and gives a thumbs up. - Celeste just kind of bows her head. Sad little horns turned downwards, (Freddy laughs) - [Mika] realizing that- - I didn't know horns could articulate. - Well they don't- they
don't turn downwards. They're they're just pointing.
- They move! - They're just pointed towards the ground. - It's like Free Willy, they get sad-
- Yeah, they get sad. - This is the Feywild! - They're just, they're there, they're arched backwards, but they're pointing towards the ground, as she dips her head. Just waiting for the final blow, as she has nothing left in her. She's been running for a week. She has been betrayed by her Court, and she is being hunted. There's nothing left. And what Oberon wants, Oberon gets. - And worse than that,
as you lower your head, you see across in the grass, another set of cloven hooves. A satyr. Your best friend. (Mika gasps) Who has been part of
the hunt the whole time. What's their name? - Darren? (all laugh) - [Aabria] Brennan, that
terrible gift is yours. - I, it was like, how are you gonna one up
Fitz Warden Bittlesbeak? (all laugh)
And, Darren it is. - Darren, it's Darren! (tense music) - Celeste. (all laugh) - Darren? - It seems way have frigging' found you. - But, you're the one who told me that the hunt was coming for me. How could you do this? - You think just cause I'm your friend, (all laugh) - that I'm gonna (indistinct), to all of my frigging bros, back in the Summer Court? If I didn't- - Darren is cool as hell.
- I wanna be one of your bros! - You wanna know why we
had to hunt you down? - [Mika] Why, Darren? - He takes out devil sticks. (all laugh) - Oh, hell yeah, that's dope! Oh shit, I could watch this all day! - I'm sorry, what are devil sticks? - Oh. You know, like
when you have two sticks, and then there's like
that one third stick, and it has tassel on the end. And like a frat bro, like, knocks them around sometimes. - Thought it was like a divining rod. Okay, oh, go ahead. - Honestly, in an extremely dope setting, set in like magical New Jersey, it absolutely would be. (all laugh) - Oh man, it looks like the third stick is floating. Holy shit. - Does that answer your question? - [Freddy] How does he do it? - I guess it does, Darren. If it has to be like this, it has to be like this. I just thought when we shared
our uncut gems together, it meant something. - Listen, I told you I
found a bunch of gems, but they're not cut. So- - [Mika] They're uncut gems! - Yeah, I just found out they're dirty, and fucking loose, rolling around. So I said, we gotta cut the gems! And you kept saying, "uncut gems". And I was like, "They're
worth more when they're cut!" - Darren! - Celeste! (Freddy laughs) - Fitz Warden. - We really just drew straws when you weren't around. And then we all looked at
which straws were there, and then we chased you. And now we are going to- - [Freddy] Kill, Kill, please.
- Kill? - Yes, I would quite be amused by this. - [Becca] Okay. - Then Darren could do
some more cool tricks. We can get back to that. - Oh, you mean like this? Takes out a diablo, starts doing the diablo. (all laugh) - Do you know what that is? - No! (all laugh) - [Aabria] We gotta get
you at the (indistinct), one of these days. - Oh my god. - So as Fitz Warden closes that distance, and you are looking at your friend. Betrayal in your heart,
tears in your eyes. As he goes to swing his final axe, you feel something. It originates like, a tiny vibration in the necklace, that you keep under your clothing, close to your heart. If you were to pull it out, you would see this beautiful shimmering, almost uncut gem like - [Mika] Uncut. - Scale. Where did you find this dragon scale? - Well, you know, when I was just like looking for flowers, for my flower crown business, (all laugh)
and for my artisan perfume business. Um, in the woods, which actually does really well, I'll tell you about it later because like, I really think that I can find a flower crown that'll go really well with this outfit.
- Who are you talking to?! - Anyway! I found this beautiful
shimmering scale in the river. And I was like, you know
what that reminds me of? An uncut gem. And so, I fashioned it into a necklace, and I thought, "Wow, I should just like wear this always because, I deserve it!" - You totally do. (all laugh) - The sun smiles down at you. And you feel that little rumbling, as a cloud passes overhead, obscuring- - [Brennan] The sun?
(Mika laughs) - The warforged sun. - Oh, okay. (all laugh) - As the cloud swirls, and a massive elongated form
seems to appear out of it, dissipating the cloud and crashes down- - Oh shit, Darren, is this you? - No. It's nowhere near sick
enough to be one of mine. (all laugh) - If it wasn't Darren, quickly, run! - Don't worry, I know how to fight the weather. (all laugh) - I'm gonna take out a
light two poi on fire. (all laugh) - Woo!
- Yes! - I know that one! (all laugh) - Swing that poi! - Give me just a flat D20 roll. - Now, if I hit a D20, I switch to Darren, for the rest of the game. - Darren's coming. Darren's coming. - [Becca] This whole
scenario is about your- - 13. - Oh my god, I was so worried. As you sort of pull out your flaming poi, and start swinging them around. The form resolves in front of you. This massive, brown, metallic dragon that looks at you, Darren. And just snaps you up and kills you. So you have to play Abraham, I'm so sorry.
- Damn it! - [Freddy] No!
(Aabria laughs) - He was so cool. - A bunch of just like yoyos and a full- (all laugh) No, my stuff! - He even had bocce ball! - Wild! - I'm just naming things I know. (all laugh) - You know, those hardcore, rad sports, like bocce ball. - I know bocce ball! - X games, bocce ball. Get into it. - Darren does love cornhole, that's true. - Yo, cornhole slaps, my guy. - And this massive, ancient dragon leans down and looks you in
the eye seeming unbothered, by both the King of the Summer Faye, and his lead Huntsman, and looks at you. And where his claw digs into the ground, he pulls up a massive single stone. Like an obelisk. Like a lith. - [Mika] Whoa. - And says, "You need to go." - Celeste would just kind of like, push her little hair back behind her horn and go (sniffles) "Dope". (all laugh) - Tight, let's dip. - [Mika] Hehe. - And he dissipates into a swirl of like metallic energy around you. The two of you, and the ghost of Darren, watch as she is consumed by this like glittering, bronze, almost like a sandstorm
around her before every- (chuckles) yeah. Darren would've loved it. - Darren would've loved this!
- Darren would've loved the sandstorm! - So much! And you are taken away. And you hear in your ear, as you are transported from this plane to somewhere new, and hidden, but not safe. You hear that dragon in your ear say, "I will be with you, to guard you until you're
ready to return home." - And then like, when we're home, we can like, get revenge, right? - Oh yeah, we're for sure gonna murk those fuckers. - Oh, hell yeah, my guy. - Tight. (all chuckle) And you appear in the middle of the woods, in a plane you've never seen before. And a tiny egg-
- Aw. - metallic, with a sort of glittering, seeming like an uncut gem. - Like an uncut gem. - Is beside you. And you begin your path as a Drakewarden. - I love that story. Somebody did her homework. Somebody read my backstory. - [Becca] Oh! - Look, y'all should have
sent fucking backstories. - I'm from another thing. (all laugh) - I just wanna say, I haven't- I've made an executive decision. That last time we did a daddy ending. - [Mika] Yes we certainly did. - And it was beautiful and wonderful. And I decided now, in the moment, that we're going to do a Darren ending. (Mika gasps) Do you remember that voice? - Do I remember that voice? (all laugh) - Kinda.
- It's a grab bag! - There it is, there it is. - So donate, I guess, to my personal Venmo and- (all laugh)
go watch the Darren ending. - Venmo Aabria Iyengar if you want the Darren ending! - We're doing Venmos now? Okay, put mine right here. - Drop the Zel link right there. - My venmo is right here.
- Click the link below on where to see it. - Yeah, right. Right here.
- Just venmo all of us. - [Aabria] Here.
- Yeah. Right there. - Send me money. Anyway. What were we doing? Do you wanna play more? (all laugh) - Yeah!
- Yeah, sure! - We move from that to Abraham. You are two years into your studies at Strixhaven University. You are a top mark, Witherbloom student. And your teachers equally odd, and concerned for you, have offered you the opportunity to do a semester abroad. - I will accept, immediately. On the condition that my assistant, no, friend, Paddles the imp, accompany me. - Paddles climbs up outta your pocket and just claws his way up like. "Yeah, Doc, I- you know what, thanks
for calling your friend. That was really nice." - I would die for you. And in fact, plan to, this afternoon. (Brennan laughs maniacally) - And he pulls out a
little PalmPilot and goes, "Okay, got your schedule here. I can get you back up around 4:00, 4:15?" - 4:15 is great! And if you're running
late, it's no problem. My whole evening's free. - Okay, tight, thanks.
- Absolutely. - Shoves it back into a skin fold. - Oh. - Don't look at me! (all chuckle) - No one look at Paddles! - All right.
- And you find yourself, a month later, you were offered, they're kind of just unpaid interns, that are here traveling with you, across the Prime Material Plane. But Abraham, what, if anything, do you think would be like, the course of your exploration in studies? Is there anything you're in
particular you're looking for? - As the grandfather of the study of Necronomics, I find that I am most drawn to people in need of rescuing. As that tends to be the locus of extremely lethal activity. Allowing me to both do right by the people of the Prime Material Plane, and find many opportunities to die, in novel and creative ways. So, I think I'm just looking for the most dangerous missions to go on. Because I'm looking to study the liminal space between life and death, and die as many times and as in as many weird ways as I can. - [Aabria] I love that. - So I'm just here writing a letter, "Dear Sigrid, Rudy, and Conflagger." - [All] Aww. - "It is I, Citizen
Doctor Abraham Mehermblur, colleague at Strixhaven University, and your friend. You may remember me from our
former adventures together- (all laugh) - [Aabria] You gotta cut to the main part, they remember. - Ah. "I find myself amidst Citizen
Doctors Without Borders. In addition to being a... situation that sees much work come to me, in the way of dying. It also is confirmation
that a Citizen Doctor-" underline, underline- "-is a real thing!" (all laugh) "Smooches, love and miss you all. Bye bye, Abe." (all laugh) - Paddles goes, "I got this". And then disappears and reappears, an hour or so later. Give me an arcana check. - Here we go. - [Aabria] Did you blow on it? - I did, that's gonna be a 27. - [Aabria] Holy shit. - Wow.
- The blowing on it is the important part. - [Becca] Yeah. - Uh, yeah. Your sort of studies before
taking off with your new cohort has led you to this sort of hilly, eastern terrain. And the source of a like a swirling knot of ley lines. - Hmm.
- And you know that in between these like massive strips, almost like, ore beneath
the ground of arcane power, that those are very much liminal spaces, where magic surges, and is very strong, and probably, problems
for a lot of people. So, you would find yourself
with your three, uh- - Unpaid interns. - Unpaid interns, walking through the woods. On your way, you have a little map out, and you know that there's a small town at the center of this
like snarl of ley lines. A couple bigger ones, and one smaller one, that actually you were able, with a 27, Christ, to get the name of. It's called 'The Wandering Crow' ley line. And you know that you're
probably an hour away from reaching the tiny town of Red Tower. - Do I feel that Red Tower may in fact be at the nexus of these intersecting ley lines? - Yeah, with a 27. It's pretty apparent that like, you are aware of how mages work. You go to a school for mages. And you know, good and goddamn well, that a mage, when they find some stuff, they build a fucking tower about it. - Yeah.
- So, this is definitely going to be relevant to your interests. And the fact that like a little, a little college town has built
up around this mage tower, is something of note. - So, Mehermblur, I just wanted to take this moment-
- Please, you don't have to call me Mehermblur. - Mr.-
- Citizen Doctor Abraham Mehermblur.
(Freddy laughs) - Oh, okay. Can I call you like 'Hermb'? For short? - If you feel like it's
easy to say 'Hermb', then yes. (all laugh) - I don't mean to disrespect you. I mean to respect you, by giving you a title, that is befitting of the friendship I would like us to someday have. - Hmm. - [Becca] So like a short,
it's like a nickname. - You may refer to me as, I suppose it would be accurate
to refer to me as a doctor. And if you shorten that to simply Doc, that would be all right. - Okay, Doc. - Hell yeah, that actually rules. (all laugh) - So Doc, let me lower my
voice here for a minute. Look, I came, I volunteered as an intern. Like credit's cool and
all, but I'm not in school. I decided to drop out. Like, I may revisit it, but I'm kind of here for like a girl. - Oh, which one? (Becca shushes) - Keep it cool. I don't think she's interested like that. I just wanted to tell you, like, if you could like help me get Celeste's attention somehow- - Well, if you're looking for advice
in the field of romance, then you've come to the right place. (Brennan imitates cracking)
- This woods, wha- dude your head just fully like... your ear... - The ligaments are the hard parts... to grow back. - You know, I can do this. And, Yahui lifts up their left arm, and out comes a battle ax, and like 15 different mechanical little functions,
- Like a Swiss army knife? (Becca imitates mechanical noises) leaps out of the battle axe. Uh, so I've got that. - Oh, is this, are we one upping each other? (imitates bones cracking)
- [Becca] No, it's just that- (all laugh) - There's no axe. It's arm, just blood and arm. - Whoa! - So we can all move our arm
around to do stuff with it. - If I had internal organs
and like an esophagus, I would be vomiting right now. That's so cool. - The important thing is this, Yahui, my mechanical friend. Love isn't about demonstrating your worth. It's not about, making someone image of themselves and putting them on a pedestal, and attaching your self worth to an idea that you will be worthy of love, if this person you adore, chooses to love you in return. Love is a series of hormones that the brain secretes, in order to create bonds
that facilitate survival, in a cruel and uncaring multiverse. - Oh, I was created this way. And so my dad, like made me have these feelings that are totally artificial and not even, like, I don't even have an actual living organic brain. - Right. What a cruel joke, to make you feel these things. And similarly, the gods who created the
Prime Material Plane, did the same with us. It is an absolute travesty. Existence is a riddle, whose ultimate answer is a laugh in the face of all beings. We must conquer death. - [Becca] Yeah.
- And only then will we be able to understand this riddle. This joke. This ultimate distraction. - You know, Doc, you know what I like about you? Is that you know what you want. And for me, I'm still trying
to figure that out for myself. So like, oh, one more thing. And I- my pinky on my right hand, is just like a tiny little switch blade. Anyway. - Amazing. - Right on. You'll figure it out, Slugger. - Our camera kind of moves
back from this private, but also weirdly shouty, and boisterous conversation. Preston and Celeste. - [Freddy] Oh yeah, Celeste. Are you here for The Kill Team? (all laugh) - You know, I kind of just heard
that there was this guy, that was like finding ways to die, and I need to come up
with more ways to kill. So I thought- - Oh, we are very much
alike, you and me, yes. - Are you here to kill? - [Freddy] Yes, yes. Do you know, do they hand you weapons out now? Or we need to bring them with us or? - [Mika] Well, I didn't
bring a weapon so much, and she like reaches up and pets her giant freaking dragon. - Oh yes, oh, I do not know how I missed this in the initial conversation. (Becca laughs) - Yeah, this is Elroon. He's pretty chill. - [Aabria] He just does this at you. (all laugh) Keeps walking. - He and I are kind of like on this dope mission for revenge. And we're bros now. - Yes, revenge? What's happened to you? - Well, you know, like a couple years ago, my best friend, and like the leader of my Court, back in the Feywild tried to kill me and-
- [Freddy] Oh! - I was like pretty upset about it. - Why do you not hire
someone to kill them for you? - [Mika] Well, that's-
- Have your father maybe pay a little bit of money to kill them? It seems very simple. - Do you have money? - Oh yes, well, you know, it is totally modest amount, a comfortable amount. - Oh, comfortable.
- Paddles is walking between the two of you, and is like "Really? You're comfortable?" (all laugh) - You know, I say, maybe not the top, top tax bracket, but that is because of
capital gains, yeah. So, it's up there, yeah. - Well, if I had money, you know, I would go that route. But I have a dragon, and I feel like sometimes- - Oh, Schteven, Schteven, can we buy one of these? Use the Dutch accent that
you were well known for. (all laugh) - Schteven, you are not speaking.
- That's criminal. - It's so criminal.
- Yeah. Schteven is actually kind of just jogging to try to keep up with you. 'Cause he's holding all of your stuff. And you've totally over-packed. He actually has one of
those like push carts, from like a hotel. He's like trying to push it over roots. Like, "I know, sorry, I'm on my way! Can you please have
packed any less than this? It's just so much." - Oh, no Schteven, you know, when you go on Kill Team Safari, you need to have everything
available for you. And it's easy to get access to. So, that's why we bring everything. - All right, what did you want? I'm sorry. I was- - Oh it's, just want to purchase a dragon, can we do this? - If we find a dragon, I will- - Is not a market or something for this? - I need you to make an insight check. - [Freddy] Five. - That's about right. (all laugh) - It's a permanent, just permanent disadvantage, on anything that is like below a certain like wealth level. Like, I just have no idea about. - Schteven looks- Schteven is human? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. - And so, being a little
bit taller than you, he kind of looks up in a way, and spikes a camera that you don't see. (all laugh) With a very, 'this bitch', energy. It's got a lot of Flintstones, like it's living, and he lapses into a
pained, heaving silence, as he tries to push all
of your sundry articles over like a root. - Okay.
- And will not answer you. (Freddy chuckles) - I also think that, seeing as you have money, and you know, money is not something that I'm very familiar with, we should just like, get to know each other. - Oh, this should be good, ye-
- And maybe you can hang out with Elroon here. And she just kind of
like pats his shoulder. - [Aabria] And gives you a look. - [Freddy] And I guess, and then Preston's gonna
hold a hand out to Elroon, and like- - Elroon is going to
like, fully flex at you. So I'm gonna make an intimidation. This is not great.
- Ooh! - This dragon, it's really a Drake, - [Freddy] Mm.
- kind of flexes at you. - Like the hair, just (imitates whoosing) like blows back
- Yeah! (laughter) you know, in one go. - And he's provided
you a very nice surface to pat him on the forehead. - Oh yes, and I go (imitates popping) like, too long.
- Yeah. - Oh, what fun! What fun! - Ah! Ah-ah! Di di di! - And accepts the pets. - Schteven, Schteven quick! Paint a picture with me
and this cool dragon. - Paint a picture.
- [Aabria] Fuck! - I mean like I assume there's no photography in D&D? (overlapping chatter) - [Mika] We have no idea. - Yeah, no. Schteven- - Quick sketch! - Yeah, takes you at your word. You're in the middle of the woods. You're still miles outside of town. Schteven says, "Can you,
please, at least group up under this dappled mid-afternoon sunlight? I can get a very nice painting done, two, three, maybe eight hours." (all laugh) - Oh, whoa are we stopping for a painting? - Time is of the essence. So we must make the painting
as quick as possible. (Freddy laughs) - Should we make a funny face? - Let's do one fun one- (all laugh) And then we'll do a serious one. You know, for the mantle. - [Aabria] Yeah. - My patriots, I'll tell you now. We have been following The
Wandering Crow for some time. As the crow flies, we are now arrived at the
outskirts of Red Tower. So named, for the tower built there at this nexus of ley lines, presumably by an Arcanist
of some considerable power, who may yet remain there. Upon arriving, we shall see what foul fate befalls the fine people of that village. Crows wings flap in anticipation. Figuratively, The Wandering
Crow is a ley line, not an actual crow. - Oh! Okay. - But there a lot of crows around, because I am rotting. (Freddy laughs) - Schteven holds up the first fun, like the first one. I think this was a serious one? (Brennan gasps, speaks foreign language) (all laugh)
- I do love playing- Thank you, I love playing with light. Okay, now let's do a fun one really quick. - [Becca] Uh, so-
(Brennan yells) (all laugh) Whoa your jaw, literally is detached. - (chuckles) Tex Avery style. - Isn't it, like you see, it's like a full Tex Avery cartoon, and you're like, it's less fun in real life! And it's scary and sad. (all laugh) - What if I put my battle
axe inside your mouth? - Yes, do that. (all laugh) - All right (Brennan gags)
- Hey- Hey, Doc, are we gonna help people, when we get there? 'Cause you were vague on that part. - Ugh. - Oh, sorry. (imitates jaw clamping) I bite down on the axe. - (gasps) Oh my god, oh my god!
- Make an attack roll for me. (all laugh) - (laughing) That's 25. (all laugh) - Go ahead and roll damage for me. This is a kill blow. - New kill blow? Great. - (imitates jaw clamping) collapse. Oh, and I immediately
regain one hit point, and come back up.
- [Aabria] Oh my god. (all laugh) (grunting) Ugh. Remarkably sharp blade, well done. - Whoa, that was not what I intended. Like, I didn't come here to harm, I joined Citizen Doctors Without Borders for a multitude of reasons, but like, not to hurt people. I'm so sorry, man. - Oh, oh, you weren't doing
anything untoward at all. I've never received an axe wound, a laceration
on the roof of my pallet, that severed the brain
stem from underneath! This is incredible. Uh, Paddles, take this down. - [Aabria] Yeah. - I would say there were, that one, liminal moments 0.0085%, ethereal content would be
percentage .12 per volume. Uh, I would say-
- that's a little lower than normal. - Much lower.
- [Aabria] Yeah. - Uh oak-y notes, little raspberry.
- Oak-y? Okay. - [Brennan] Um- - Whoa, I'm sorry it was lower, I'd wanna provide you with the best death you could possibly imagine, if that's what you wanted.
- Oh the eth- no, the etheric content being low, has as much to do with the ley lines, and everything else around. You're- there's nothing, None of- We should, we should do this in private. I don't want freak them out.
- Yeah, 100%. And you see Paddles flips to like, a little like tally in the back, and gives you one mark. - Bare in mind, your feelings, Yahui, about the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, does not prevent a surgeon from cutting one they're operating on. Small harm to do greater good, is a part of all medicine. So, if we have to- murder a cabal of Arcanists bent on the destruction
of the Prime Material, think of that like a
scalpel going into a body. - Preston's sitting there just like, fucking punching his fists. (all laugh) So hype right now! Like, so into this, like, so into this. - Just punching the air?
- You can punch my torso. - Yes, this guy gets it! (all laugh) - In the intervening time,
Schteven has completed, like if the first one was
a rough charcoal sketch, this is like a full oil painting. You're like punching the side. He's drawn in a very similar, but, uh, legally distinct dragon, that you're beating up
and bludgeoning to death. And you are mid-resurrection, as you are cleaning Abraham gore, off of your point. - I look at it and it's like, oh, he did it right as, right as like, it's almost like, I was blinking in it. (all laugh) - [Aabria] And Celeste
is winking and very cute. - [Aabria] Yeah, like. Yeah! - Before we head out, I saw that there was like a tally, and um I just kind of wanted to add to that real quick. Elroon, could you just- And he like leans over and like- - Yeah, you describe it for me. - Kind of spits like a, like a stream of acid on Abraham's head, before just like slowly
crunching his teeth into his skull. - [Aabria] Amazing. - Like very deliberately. - [Abbria] Yeah. - Somewhere, someone
watching this is like, "Is this is a thing that I-" - Yeah.
- Yeah. (all laugh) - Learned something new about myself. (overlapping chatter) Elroon has got like one just massive eye, and is staring you down, Preston. (all laugh) - Just like as an example.
- [Aabria] This could be you, but you're playing. (all laugh) - I don't think Preston
understands that context, at all. - [Aabria] Yeah, not at all, not at all. Wind, wind. - Uh, I pop back up again. (all laugh)
- No, shut up! - With one hit, after a little while I pop back up and go, (Brennan gasps) Peripheral psychopomp presence. Uh, sort of a etheric spirits. I think that could be a reflex of me having just died, moments ago. Thank you very much for that- - I just, like, I'm here to help, you know? - Yes, absolutely. There was a visual
diffracting from the skull. - That makes sense. - From the skull breakage. And a little bit of grapefruit? (Freddy laughs) - That sounds refreshing. - You know, that's probably the acid. - I was going to say. - Right? Yeah. - [Aabria] Noted, okay. - To Red Tower. - Who gets the tally? Who gets the tally? - Ooh.
- Ooh! - Attribution is a mother fucker. - Ooh. - Elroon gets it. - Damn it! Celeste will remember that. (all laugh) - Paddles has made an enemy this day. - Yeah, Paddles has made an enemy. - And you eventually make your way into like a small little, I mean, hamlet is the best
possible word for this. It's all like sort of mud
walls and thatched roof. You see scatterings of stone, red, like the sort of
like orange-y red stone in a couple of the buildings, but it's never consistently built. But it gives you all of
the seeming of a town that seems to have sprung
up around something. But all you see at the
center of this little village is more like grassy woods. There is no tower
anywhere to be seen here. And just a couple dozen villagers, going about their day. You guys walk into the square, and no one acknowledges you. - Hmm. All right, compatriots. Everyone makes sure to
keep your head on a- (imitates bones creaking) - [Aabria] All the way around?
- Full 360? - I will never get used to that. - It doesn't look normal
or good when he's done. It's a full twist. The neck is very twisted.
- [Aabria] The bones are bad. - It's like you took a hot dog and I dunno! - Or like a towel. You know, sort of
twisty, twisted up towel. The important thing is this. We are missing a titular tower. - Yeah. I didn't wanna be, state the obvious, in case you all were seeing the tower. And I just couldn't see the tower. But I also do not see a tower. - Preston's gonna just randomly walk up to one of the villagers, and ask them like, "I was just, they said there was a tower? But there's no tower here." - Uh, roll for me- - They know I'm rich, though. - They can see it. - [Freddy] Just to be clear. - They can see it.
- Very fair. Let's go just a straight charisma check. And I'll give you advantage on that. - Okay, that was a good thing, 'cause that first four, and then, ooh, that four and then that three.
- I saw the single digits from here. - Ooh, that doesn't do anything, four and a three. - The first person you walk up to is this older woman, who is kind of coated in
a light dusting of flour. And seems to be like rushing
from one building to another, and you stop her, and she, "Yes? What can I, what can I do? What do you need? What do you need?"
- I'm sort of gesturing at the empty square, empty public use of land. Very disapproving of that, by the way. (laughing) Public use of land. Like, "Where's the tower? They said there's a tower?" - What are you here for the tour, the- - Oh there's a tour? I wave over everyone else. Oh, there's a tour. This lady is going to give us a tour! - Well, you rarely get that on adventures. That's nice. - The tour would cost uh (clears throat) ten gold? - Oh yes, very good. Yeah, this seems fair. - Per person? (Freddy snaps fingers) - Yes, yes, of course, why not? Per person yes, and how much for the animal companions? - Only five! - Preston, just so you know, our budget for this whole thing- (all laugh) - You get- Give me a dexterity saving throw. As this low center of
gravity, baker woman, tries to hip check you out of- (Freddy laughs) - [Brennan] That's gonna be an eight. (all laugh) - Ah no, she rolled bad. She tries to hip check you. And I think it just dislocates your knee. - [Brennan] Yeah, I just- A whole bunch of bones move in my body. The old blunt force trauma. Passe! - But the upper half
completely stationary. (all laugh) - Like a Jenga tower. Please, do not strike me again. (Aabria shrieks) - Oh, I got you buddy. And I'll just like, push yourself into alignment again. - I go (imitates bones cracking) - [Brennan And Aabria] A chiropractor? - Whoa! Do you think that's
something I should pursue? I'm not really sure what I wanna do with my life.
- With your whole vibe, it's amazing you're not
already a chiropractor. - Paddles is giving like, he's just nodding. - That is really kind of you to say. I don't know what I want to be. Yeah, I'm still taking like
some years off to decide. - Well, you don't age. - Thank you. (all laugh) - This lovely little baker. She's just standing at
the center of you all. Head on a swivel, about to be in tears. 'Cause she thought she
did bodily damage to you, and no one cared. (Mika laughs) We can you do some sort of discount. Half... - Yes, yes, yes. Schteven, go. Pay, pay, pay what we need to pay to get to the tower, yes. - Very well. Preston, so let me be clear. You're covering this, out of pocket? - Oh yes, yes. It's incidentals. It's all good, yeah. - Very well, all right. - I just figured out a cheat code to D&D, if you got rich characters, like whatever! - Yeah, nothing happens.
- They're rich! - They're rich.
- Everything! Just solve it with money. Just like rich people do in real life. - Wow.
- Like why not? - Can't buy you happiness, past a certain level. - [Aabria] Right. - Up to that level, yes it can. - It can actually buy a lot of happiness. (Aabria laughs) - Can I do a small insight
check on this woman? - [Aabria] Please do! - Because I have a feeling
she's bullshitting us. - [Aabria] Please do! - I have a small feeling. - [Freddy] A dishonest person? (Mika laughs) - That's a... it's a four. - [Aabria] Four? - [Mika] Yeah. - She is a good hardworking
member of this town, that is actively fleecing
Schteven as we speak. - As I thought. - Yes, good.
- As I thought, yeah. - So you actually see that Schteven comes forward with your coin purse. Again gives you a look like. He taps this woman on
the shoulder and goes, "May I speak to you over here in this corner please?" And pulls her away, and they
like have a frantic whisper. And you see he's getting
calmer and stiller, and she's getting more animated. And then after a while, (clears throat) "Maybe I was a little rash, about the tour. But, if you let me know
what you're here for, I would love to help. My name is Vanya, I'm the town baker. What can I do for you?" - Let me try here. Vanya, it is a pleasure
to make your acquaintance. My name is Yahui Wahoodle. And I was, and my friends here, we're wondering, there should probably be a tower, here. We're looking for said tower. I think you know
something about this tower that you're not showing us. And I lean down. It's kind of intimidating 'cause I'm just like really tall.
- Give me an intimidation check, yeah. - Okay, ooh. - You also see the entire
time you are talking, you see these like waves of realization, that like this isn't a suit of armor, the mouth is moving. Oh my god, that is a metal person. - Oh yeah. It- it's a 14. - She kind of shrinks away. Let me be super clear. I'm a baker. Not a mage, but I can- I can take you. I can take you to our- I'm gonna say mayor? I'm gonna say mayor. Gellert. He can answer any of
your questions about... towers that should or shouldn't be here. - Vanya, I sincerely appreciate this. And perhaps, with the
consent later of the party, we would like to frequent
your bakery and taste your confections.
- [Aabria] We're closed! - [Becca] Okay. - When she says we're closed, Celeste kind of nudges Elroon and is like, "She's not closed, make
sure we get some bread." - I'm gonna make you roll for this. - [Mika] All right, that's fair. - Give me, we're gonna go stealth check. - [Mika] Hell yeah! - And investigation check to follow. - [Mika] All right. 19 plus seven for stealth. - How the fuck did a giant dragon- (all laugh) - [Mika] He's-
- It's my fault for asking- - [Mika] Yeah, yeah.
- [Aabria] for the check. He's real sneaky.
- So, I'll make it make sense. He's real sneaky. And investigation?
- Yep. - Uh eight, nine, 10, 11. - As you guys are all sort
of circling around Vanya, this big-ass, brown-ass Drake, just sort of like rolls back, and barrel rolls, into that like brush
at the center of town. - [Mika] Yeah, he does. - And takes off following his nose, like a toucan would. And follows-
- Wherever it goes. - It goes straight to a bakery. 'Cause those are actually
very easy to find. It was not a high DC. - Okay, perfect.
- Yes, good. - How are we going to find this business? That absolutely depends on foot traffic. - Track an odor. - It is the scent based one. It's right next to a candle place though. So he got a little confused for a second.
- He was like, oh, especially cause there's
a bread scented candle. That got real confusing. - Yeah.
- Yeah! - As our camera follows Elroon, he like sidles up to the door. And at first he looks like he's gonna punch through the glass. And then you see him kind
of like pop a claw out, and he's just gonna be in the back, working on just picking the door. - Perfect. - And going in and getting some bread, so.
- [Mika] So happy. - He's got a side mission. That's very good for him. - Rob Vanya, the- - Rob her blind. - The poor baker woman. - Look, she's made a mint, in this moment, 'cause
money was exchanged. - Yeah, that's fair. - But she is gonna lead you
in the opposite direction. And you see that she's not leading you to any place in particular. She's kind of like popping around, and looking inside other buildings, and like kind of giving
a little like head nod to some of the other villagers. And you just see her going like. "Gruesome, where's Gruesome? Where is-" - Gruesome? - [Aabria] Mm-hmm. - Ooh. - Yeah, you hear her
referring to something, or someone as Gruesome. And seems to be sort of like haphazardly looking for whoever this person is. And after a good five minutes, if you let her just sort of- - No, well I'm gonna take this moment, to maybe sidle up next to Celeste, and say like, "Whoa, so do you know where we're going?" - I mean, I'm just kind
of following the crowd. We're gonna get some really
good killing in today, and I'm very excited. Are you excited? - Did somebody say killing? And you actually see a gentleman bust into your like, little
like cohort of people, sort of knocking Vanya over. He's an older, pale gentleman, with like kind of spiky wild hair, that's like grayed over time, with just a little bit
of black at the temples. A big like dramatic red wrap around his body, it's gilded, and embroidered with
like fine gold thread. But you can see it's a little threadbare, so, nice, but old. - Nice but old. - Not well maintained. Hello, I'm Gellert. I've heard, uh seen, you're new, and I heard you were looking for me. Gellert. They call me Gellert the Gruesome, but it's just a little, it's a little joke we all have here. That we're all a part of, and it's a fun nickname to have. Hi, what can I do for you? - Can I roll insight on the fun joke? - [Abbria] Please do.
- Okay. - Inside joke.
- Oh! - That was a wild roll.
(Mika laughs) - I don't what just happened. - It just appeared! - You like backhand tossed it into my- and what was so funny is you absolutely could have said like, "Doesn't count, doesn't count", but then you did the like lean over, like oh, what's it gonna be? And it's a two. (all laugh) - [Aabria] You can roll again if you want. That's crazy.
- Gonna roll that one again. - [Aabria] Yeah. That was scary. (Mika yells excitedly) - That's a nat 20 right there, I feel it.
- Shut the fuck up! It's a nat 20. (all laugh)
- There you go. - [Aabria] Amazing, way to step that up. - Brought it back. So that's a 22 in total. - [Aabria] Okay, yeah. Well, with a natural 20, it is very apparent that like, this nickname absolutely
hurts his feelings. (all laugh) He doesn't enjoy it, he didn't pick it, and thinks it's actually kind of hurtful. But is just trying to like, he's just trying to, it's that like, "Oh,
haha, we all have jokes. This is fine and good." - [Freddy] Dang, this got really sad. - Give me one more thing you would try to clock on a person when first seeing them. And I'll give you some
extra intel about Gellert. - I wanna know if he seems in charge. Like if he seems, like people, you know, look to him. Or he seems like, he's like stach, stay,
stage, stately, stadgech, his stature. - [Aabria] Mm-hmm. That was the word, you got there. Hey, look, we're gonna edit this, Carlos is gonna cut it down. - Carlos is gonna keep that- Carlos is gonna keep that in. - He's probably gonna- - He's gonna zoom in on it. (all laugh) - Slow motion. - He's gonna put by stuttering subtitles, in front of my face. - It's gonna be that TikTok where it's like the tally marks on the wrong words. - Oh yeah, 100%, yeah. - [Aabria] 100%.
- Yeah. - So, what you are able to clock there is, again, it's that mixture of like him being wounded by this nickname, that he clearly can't seem to get rid of. A stronger personality
could nip that in the bud. - [Mika] Mm. - But there is something
to his bearing that, there is a little bit of deference from people in the town around him, again, a little bit like that threadbare, like nobility, that there is something old
that receives that honor. That everyone is kind of kowtowing to, but like, it is less about him in the specific, and more something about either his family, or a title or something about him, that gets the respect
that he isn't getting. - Gotcha, okay, okay. - Welcome to Red Tower. - Yes, there's no tower! - That. - (stuttering) There's n- no, a long time ago, my family founded a mage tower here. It was- it's- it was lost. Ley line's shift. Do you know- Are you magical? Do you- Does anything- Is any of this landing? (Becca imitates whooshing) - And the battle axe comes outta my arm. - That's a robot that can talk. - Could a magical person do this? And I step in front of the wagon. (all laugh) - I would like to manifest my echo, and have my echo shove him
outta the way of the wagon. - [Aabria] Yes! (Freddy laughs) - Elroon lands, like crash lands, in the middle of this conversation. Arms full of bread. - The best part is all of this happens in like a split second, but the person that was driving the wagon absolutely stopped. Was just (screeches) uh-oh, a person
- Why did you stop? - I would have hit you! - You ludite! This is for science! - [Aabria] What'd you call me? - You are totally tackled by a like gray,
semi-translucent version of me, but looks like a little bit
less coherent in the eyes. And just is like standing on top of you, and looking at you. - Hmm, fascinating. - The fuck did you call me?! - A ludite! - I don't know what that means. - Well someone opposed- - Is it mean? - Well, no, well, it depends, It's a sort of uh- - He's climbing down off of the carriage. (Freddy laughs) - I haven't gotten up, I'm on the ground. - [Aabria] Yeah. - I would say a ludite is someone who is philosophically opposed to the technological
advancement of society. - What is technology? - Well, technology's all around us. (all laugh) - There's a guy on you. - Yes, absolutely. First of all, it's not quite a guy, a reflection of my friend, Yahui. - (imitates creaking) It's
like a creaking sound, it does not actually talk. - Yahui, Yahui's reflection, would you be kind enough to allow me to- - Uh, sorry, his name's Deputi. (all laugh) - [Aabria] Nope, nah I quit. Deputi?
- Sorry. - I wrote it down a long time ago. I've been waiting to tell you. - Sorry, Yahui... your Echo's name is Deputi? - You got it. - Great! Deputi, if you would
be so kind as to stand. (imitates creaking) - Now, my good friend, what's your name? - Oh, Ivank. - Ivank?
(all laugh) - Like Ivanka?
- That's so good. - Ivank, technology is all around us. Now, have you ever heard about the four simple machines? - Truly, you see the light leave his eyes. And he's just gonna try to walk away. - Ivank, before you go! Paddles, (Brennan snaps) hit it. ♪ The four simple machines- ♪ and uh, Abraham launches into a full song of the four simple machines- - This felt like a song
and dance like thing. - You have to give me a performance check. - Can I get a help action from Paddles? - Absolutely, Paddles is playing a mouth harp. - That's a 12.
(Mika laughs) - Okay, sounds like
you're gonna have to sing what the four simple machines are. ♪ The first of the four simple machines ♪ ♪ Is the incline plane ♪ And then that verse goes for 20 minutes. (Freddy laughs) Just talking about the incline plane. - Friction, moments of inertia... It's like way too much detail.
- [Aabria] Yes, I love that. - We are like not getting to the lever for a while. (all laugh) - Gellert's gonna move over to Preston, in this moment and go, "You seem like, some sort of magic user, absolutely." - I'm just here for The Kill Team. Can't wait. We're on the killing expedition. We're here to uh, you know, kill things. - [Aabria] I found the right guy. - Oh, yes!
- So here's the thing. There's a small ley line here, that runs into, think of it like a delta, or a tributary, sorry, I'm hearing him explain things, and it makes me wanna over-explain stuff. (Freddy laughs) - There's like a river of magic, and it's unsnarled itself, and it's actually revealed a portal to what the town
was actually named for. My family's former seat of glory. The Scarlet Citadel. If you go down into the ruins, and if you can create a pathway, for me to get to the shrine at its heart. There's so many things in there to kill! Probably. If you go and kill them,
I will give you money? - No, no, don't need that. But Schteven has taken the notes. So I think we will, very complicated, I didn't hear all of it, but I think I get the general idea. - I didn't talk as long. He's still singing
about the first machine! ♪ Now, a screw is more
than just a screw. ♪ (all laugh) - Paddles is throwing it back. I'm gonna get people into this show. Help me. (all laugh) Yeah, okay, so for free, you'll go and do it for free? - Oh, I, I- - That's incredible! And he claps you on the shoulder. - And like not used to physical
contact from commoners, Preston gets this look, where it's like, you fucking dare touch- - Give me an intimidation check. - My clothing. This is gonna be tough when I'm uh... Oh, but I have a plus six on intimidation, So that's (laughing) 14. - Ooh, with my natural 16. Gellert is more like
you than you would hope. That sort of intimidation
washes right over him. - [Freddy] Oh, okay. - He has assumed that you are
a kindred spirit, you know? - [Freddy] Okay, okay. - He remembers money. - Oh, yes, just one of the boys, yes. - Yeah, yeah. It's a whole boys club, yeah. - [Freddy] One of the boys? - Yeah! Well I'd love to be one of the boys. So my, short statured peer, will you go and do murders in the ruins, for no money, and the love of murder? - So yes, we'll do it! - Amazing, and he just
sticks out his hand to shake. - Oh yes, yes! And he
gives like a high five. Like doesn't understand handshakes. - (laughing) Amazing. Okay.
- [Freddy] Yeah. - Um, when his song is done, please go quickly. - I like to imagine all
the children of the village have all like, gathered around that one. It's like, oh, there's like a show! - There's eight children, they're like, "Finally, learning!"
- [Freddy] Enraptured, yeah. - Yahui and Deputi have
been sitting cross-legged in the very front. Just kind of like, bouncing along to the song. - I can't believe you didn't
know a lot of this stuff. (all laugh) - I feel like intuitively
it was inside me, but I never really
stopped to think about it, or name it. - Well, it's literally inside you. - I pull out, like I open up my kneecap-
- Children, this is a perfect example of a wedge! (all laugh) - Whoa! - The two children sitting on to Deputi just start clapping. "Ooh! This is fulfilling a lot of things for us. We were gonna be criminals!" - [Mika] Oh my god. - "Teach us more!" - Abraham for the first is like, that's a lot of pressure. Okay.
(all laugh) - Uh, pullies! ♪ There are pullies everywhere ♪ - Amazing. Yeah, so, you can come
over at your leisure with uh- I've handed- Here's the thing, I've given
you a fucking plot hook. Do whatever you want with it. (Freddy laughs) My job's done!
- So is there like a map? Is there a place that we're
supposed to go for this? - Yeah, so, you actually see that when he kind of gave you
that clap on the shoulder, he spun you in the direction of the center of town. That like wooded area. - Oh.
- I'm going to, I'm gonna come over and go. (Brennan pants) I don't even, I don't even have to breathe. They've added two more
machines since I was a kid. - [Freddy] Wait, really? - It's six now.
- [Freddy] Wait really? - [Brennan] For real, it's six! - Wait, did you Google it? - Yeah, it's for real, it's six. It's not four anymore. (all laugh) You all remember it was four, right? - It was definitely four!
- It was definitely four. - Wait, what are the new two? - So it's inclined plane,
pulley, lever, wedge, screw got added.
- Screw doesn't count! - [Mika] Screw's not a machine! - Simple machine, come on.
- You would think, hey, a screw, correct me If I'm wrong, that's one long spiral wedge. That's literally one long spiral wedge.
- [Freddy] It's just a wedge! - That's a wedge, motherfucker! (all laugh) Sorry, I'm pissed! - It's feeling like a different- - If we're gonna start adding screws- - What's the sixth one? (all chuckle) - No, this is garbage, who decided this? - The same assholes that
the got rid of Pluto. (all laugh) - Wheel and axle. - Oh yeah, that makes sense.
- Wheel I get. - Wheel I get, but if
we're gonna have wheel, we gotta get pulley the fuck outta here. - I was gonna say! Isn't a wheel and an axle just a pulley?
- Yeah, wheel's just a pulley! - Oh.
- Yeah, yeah. - So we gotta chuck pulley and get wheel in here. - Which means it's only five. - Which means wait,
which actually means, no. And I'm saying we get rid of screw, 'cause that's a wedge! It's four! You dumb asses. - It's doing something a little- Okay, okay, okay. - God, I will bring down such terrible ruin upon those egg heads! - Celeste just shoves pita in his mouth. (all laugh)
- Wow! So thanks for updating
us on Gellert's mission. Quick question, Gellert- (all laugh) - I will say, before you have a plot relevant thing, and also again, thank you. Bless your heart. The children have gotten
caught up in Abraham's vibe and are now burning down the schoolhouse. Screaming, "Only four! Only four!" - I hope nobody's inside there. Whoa, okay. Gellert, question, you did say there was killing. But for me, I'm hoping that
maybe there's some saving, 'cause that's kind of our whole Citizen Doctors Without Borders vibe. - But what if-
- [Becca] It's all gray area- - But what are you supposed to do with that giant shiny axe that you have? - Oh you mean this? (imitates whooshing) You think it's shiny? - It's so shiny. Kind of... like an uncut gem. (Aabria snickers)
- Stop it. - [Mika] And I just- (all laugh) - Sorry, I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. - It gets me every time.
- [Aabria] Every time. - I just wanna know, why even have that, if it's not to behead someone? - We just covered all the uses of a wedge, seconds ago, Celeste! There's so many uses for a wedge! - Sound has faded from Yahui's perception, as you see that thing
where the focus racks, and it's on a dolly going away. As I look at my battle
axe in the foreground, and I don't know what I am. - [Mika] Oh no. - Ooh, a spiral. - And I'm just gonna keep
staring at this battle axe for a while. - Yo, give me a wisdom saving throw. - [Mika] Damn. - [Aabria] As you turn the eye inward. - That's a 14. - Yeah, you are lost
for some amount of time. And your mind turns through like, what the purpose of a
specific battle axe is. But you know that it's less about murder, and the things that you can protect. And sometimes protecting requires the threat of violence. - They protect, but they also attack. - Let's kill things. - Oh, shit, we got there faster than I thought. (all laugh) That's great. - Incredible. The children are
destroying the schoolhouse, so my work in the village is done. (all laugh) To the forest! (all laugh) Remember children, science is institutional, which means it is inherently political! Down with the powers that be! (all laugh) - No, no, no, we do not believe this! - Okay, 100%. You have your own patron. You feel a little knock
at the back of your mind, as several of these children are walking down a road- - Oh no. - towards warlockdom. And you feel a pathway begin to like, winnow open between you
and these small children. - Paddles, my instruments. Please measure my brain. As I figure out whatever
the hell this thing is. And I'm going to roll
my eyes back in my head and allow that to unfold. - Amazing. Yeah, so you guys all
see Paddles has put down his mouth harp, and is now climbing up you, and is actually gonna enter via the mouth, to get into your brain meat, to start measuring your brain. And you disappear from this moment, and you see like these
three little tunnels, in front of you. They are equally dim with this
sort of sickly green light. And you can hear the voices of children. They sound like they're much farther away than they actually are
in the village right now. Which is just a couple dozen yards. - I get the feeling that
I must pick one of these. This is sort of like dream logic. - [Aabria] Mm-hmm.
- Cool, I will go down the center pathway. - [Becca] Lame!
(Freddy laughs) - And you reach towards the center, and like punch through
some sort of like fog, or it almost feels like an ooze, between you. And you make a connection. This was one of the two children that was sitting on Deputi. (Becca laughs)
I hate saying it. I didn't enjoy saying it out loud. - You know you love Deputi. - I hate it. This was like a little
boy on Deputi's shoulder. Some sort of like a twin to a little girl, on Deputi's knee. And as you like reach through, you feel a child's small hand grab yours. Warm and vital, and very much alive. More alive than you think you ever were. As you've made your first warlock pact. - Child, your hands are warm and vibrant. - Thanks. - You are far from beginning to decay. Your cells will multiply more than they will fade
away, at this point, there is much growth left in you- - [Aabria] What?
- for the inevitable onset of entropy. - This child's nose starts bleeding, out in the streets. - A famous god once said, if you're not busy being born, you're busy dying. (Freddy laughs) You know, that death is coming, right? - Um, yes? - Great, do you need spells? - Yes, please. - Here you go. (Brennan inhales sharply) - All of you on the street, see a sudden like spark of green light shoot up into the air, as this kid fires off
their first Eldritch Blast, - [Mika] Hell yeah!
- as a warning shot into the sky. And then proceeds to rip the school apart with their brand new cantrip. - I'm going to stay in this locked state, and be like, for powers this great, there comes a price, young one. If you accept these gifts, there is something I need in return. - Fine, what? - Every time you use the spell, I need you to write down
the time of day you used it, what the environmental
sort of goings on were, what you targeted. And I need you to remit that data to Citizen Doctor Abraham Mehermblur, at Strixhaven University. P.O. box 1348. Witherbloom dormitory. Do you understand? - Um, I don't know how to write. - Well, that's not my problem, is it? Learn to write child! Or the spells come back! Click. (all laugh) - This child just staring at
their glowing green hands, and weeping, 'cause they
don't know how to write. - I'm gonna, now that I'm back in my body, couple yards away, I'm like, you can shoot magic, intimidate an adult into writing for you. Duh. - And you see this child
round on the baker. Who's like looking at her
like absolutely gutted bakery and freaking out. And then this just like tiny child starts stalking over
and she just takes off. It's a whole- - In the bakery, as it's like flaming, it punches in and it's like a receipt, and it's just like a scribble. It's like, no, they don't
know how to write either. (all laugh) - Elroon did his best to leave an I.O.U. - [Mika] He did. - [Becca] It says two
bread, but it's just B-R-E-D - Two bread! (all laugh) - He took two bread, and by two he means all. - Look one, two.
- [Mika] One, two - That's two.
- [Mika] He took two bread. - You walk into this little wooded area. And you notice as you've
sort of pass the threshold into this, like grassy knoll. (Mika laughs) I dunno why I said, whatever- - Just hanging out on grassy knolls, huh? - Look, back and to the left you see- (all laugh) A tree. What, is that too soon?
- [Mika] It was a conspiracy! - Is that too fucking soon? (Mika laughs hysterically) Uh yes, you see in the grass, you notice that like
the sky has immediately faded into like a grayish purple twilight. And as this sort of
deepening darkness around you turns the trees from vibrant
shades of green and brown, into like a hazy purple-gray
that matches the sky. There's a single point of light emanating up from the ground, giving off like a sort
of rosy orange glow. Oh, go ahead! - With an 18, that's where we should go. (all laugh) - I'm sensing that that's
where we should go. - That was an insight check. - Insight check on what? - I was just curious, if that glowing rose light is where we should head. - Yes. You are noticing this sort of mire that you're moving through. It feels deeply magical. And for someone like you, that doesn't experience
sensation the same way, you wonder sort of keenly, if this is what like
goosebumps would feel like. As you sort of feel prickles across the like metal carapace of you. - I feel a tingle, in the places where I
didn't know I could tingle. - Maybe you are going
through this puberty. - Don't say that front of- - Celeste isn't paying attention. She's just walking towards the portal. - Amazing.
- Like, like already unsheathing her bow, like cracking her neck, like, all right, it's time to murder. - Elroon is like kind of
rubbing your shoulders. Like getting you hype, like, let's go, like we're
about to go fuck it up. - Okay quick, she's not paying attention. What happens in puberty? - Oh puberty is, this is a long, number of changes will happen to you. Your voice will deepen. - Yeah. - and your eh balls should drop. (Becca imitates clanging) - (laughing) You hear two distinct objects falling into place. - They're inside my body, so I don't know what this means. It's fine. - I had this problem too, the doctor said this is- (all laugh) - I am a medical doctor. If there's anything going on- - Don't make a big deal about it, but I think I'm pubertying. - All right. Well, let's go in the portal. (Brennan and Freddy call out) - So, who goes through the portal first? Is my question. - I did. - I think Preston's very
close behind, excited. Just amped out of his fucking gourd. - Yeah, we're ready to murder. We're here to kill. - As you walk forward, before you like cross
that final threshold, and it's less of like
walking through a portal, and more walking down into the earth. And the portal is sort of like a puddle, in the ground, with a staircase. You see two piles of inert metal rubble. A larger pile on the left, and a smaller pile on the right. - Oh my god. Oh. (Becca laughs) Does it look like they were, you know, warforged at one time? - You gotta give me an
investigation check. - [Becca] Okay, let's do this one. We got a big old three in investigation. - For what it's worth, you would know roughly the shape or mass of something at all like you. This is much, much less than that. But there is something to this metal, that feels charged in the same way that the metal that creates
and like suffuses you is charged. - If we have a moment, I can investigate with my instruments, and try to arrive at a
more refined assessment of what these arcane
debris may constitute. - Plus, if they're evil and they kill you, then like, it's a win-win. - Exactly. - Honestly, fair. - I will cast identify. - [Aabria] Cool.
- And I will ritual cast it. So I'm like really taking out instruments, and being like, curiouser and curiouser, some kind of arcane stuff. And really, really go ham on it. - Amazing. The strange thing here is like, that twilight state, you would've expected across even 10 minutes, to feel like a change to the shadow, like a deepening sense of evening. But it never changes. And the time passes fairly quickly. At the end of your identify, you are looking at these
two piles of rubble, and you know that these were once very powerful arcane weapons. That are so removed from the thing that like bound them together, and caused them to work, you're not quite sure what they were. That these were specifically some sort of ballistic weapon. - Look at the little
artillerist artificer cannon in my own hand. (Brennan sighs) Caveat emptor, that means buyer beware, which isn't quite appropriate. (all laugh) But I'll tell you this, these used to be guns. Some foul magic was at play here. I would say once again, keep your head on a- - Do it back the other way.
- Okay, Yeah. (imitates bones cracking)
(all laugh) - That was bothering me. I didn't wanna say anything. - Yes, that's way better. - Paddles crawls out of your mouth. (Brennan gags)
Don't do that while I'm in there! - Forgot Paddles was in there.
- [Aabria] God! - How about my diction though, right? I can really pronounce
stuff while he is in there. (all laugh) There's some foul magic
here in this place. Be on your guard. And I'll raise the cannon up, and keep going into the dungeon. - [Aabria] Okay. - I give the signal to Deputi, and Deputi walks on ahead. - Elroon and I are walking. - I'm picking weapons, that's Schteven has offered
up and selected for me. And I'm gonna grab one and go in. - What do you grab? - I actually don't have anything on here, - [Aabria] Oh, no!
- Weapons wise. So you just, you tell me I'll roll a dice. - Yo, uh-
- Let's see how good it is. Let's see how good it is.
- Yeah, okay, okay. - How good of a choice? I'll sw- why was that a- - [Freddy And Becca] Nat one. (all laugh) - Actually, Schteven fully
unrolls them and is like, oh no... Oh. And he's sprinting back
towards your pile of stuff. And he is gonna try to
reappear later with, you know, a good weapon. - Okay, well, I have some trash. - Yeah, right now you have a, you know what? I'm gonna say he gave
you like a little sack. You just have a sack of- - [Freddy] A sack of metal-
- inert metal trash. - Okay, yeah, yeah. Like a bean bag. - And you all walk down into the dungeon. Let's get that fucking map up now. (all cheer) - So you come down and walk onto this beautifully carved blue marble platform. You see out in front of you a little pathway forward, with an intricately carved
skull in the ground. You see that this chamber
extends off to your left, off and away. But, there is no source of light down here other than the glow that you followed to get
to this part, specifically. So, who here has dark vision? - [Becca] Ooh. (Brennan imitates mechanical noises) I have goggles of night, so I'll- - Amazing. - This is like the first time
I've ever had a character that doesn't have dark vision. - I don't, don't have it. - Man, my eyes are fully mechanical, and I didn't put dark vision in them? (Aabria laughs) - Look, y'all have torches, like- - [Mika] Oh!
- Oh, okay, yeah. That's true. - Uh, I'm gonna ready an action to shoot anything that moves, that's not our companions. Like our group. And I'll just say, let's light a torch. - You got it, boss. Oops, sorry, Doc. I skim it on my own, I have a thigh that's
like that rough metal. Like a box of matches.
- That's smart, that's smart. - You light the torch. Go ahead and give me a
perception check, Abe. - That's going to be a 14. - You see that about like
45 feet away from you in both directions, in
both the skull corridor, and then off to the left
where you can't see, things are moving and sort of diving back
towards the shadows. - I'll look at everyone and say, we have company. - Yo, friend or foe? - Give me a persuasion check. - [Becca] Oh good. It's a 15! - You yell out "friend or foe?" - You gotta tell me if I ask, straight up. (Freddy laughs) - What? (all chuckle) - Yo, everybody, I hate to say it, but it sounds like foe. Hey, my name's Yahui Wahoodle. This is my friend Deputi. And I got some other friends here. Um, look, you got anybody needs saving down here? - Go away! - Um, excuse me, hi, Celeste here. Counterpoint, anyone needs murdering down here? - Honestly, I'm gonna
give you the same answer. Please, you know what? Fuck it. (all laugh) - Oh, I think we lost
the element of surprise. - A little bit. I know you still have a readied action. I need you to make a dexterity
saving throw, Celeste. - 'Kay.
- As something comes out of the darkness, towards your face.
- 'Kay. It sure does. Oh, thank god. 21! - Oh yeah, with a 21, you're able to duck, as this massive like chunk
of the like ground itself that was ripped up, just goes sailing past your head. And hits the wall behind you. And you turn and see that like, that staircase down is completely gone. - First of all, fucking rude. Second of all, clearly you're a foe. So now we legally have the right, to fucking murk you. Isn't that right, Elroon? And she'll like turn over her shoulder, to look at her dragon. - (laughing) Elroon is kinda like, and just is actually like
staring off in the darkness. If you wanna take a shot, I know you have a readied action. - Hell yeah, I think a Abe has been
very calm and considerate. 'Cause we didn't, you know, we don't know if we're meeting hostile
people down here or not. But, I think when that
shot goes off, at Celeste, I'm going to, first of all, sprint 30 feet forward, to see if I do get them in my 60 foot range of vision.
- Absolutely. You run forward towards the edge of that
like torch darkness. So you guys are losing a little
bit of Abe in this moment. What color are, what's your night vision look like? - Doesn't create light, like for stealth reasons-
- [Aabria] Yeah. - it doesn't reflect light. But I think with the presence of light, it does that animal eye thing where- - [Mika] Oh, that's creepy. - It's like a cat moving in the dark, it's like, you'll see the reflection from the reflective back of its eyeballs. So Abe in the dark does
have a little bit of like, as he moves, there's like
a weird subtle green, behind the goggles, in his eyes. - So what you see sort of
resolving in your vision through the goggles is this massive towering green troll, sort of goblinoid creature, wearing a hel- look, I'm just gonna be- it's that guy. - [Freddy] It's that guy?
- [Becca] Oh, it's that guy. - Hell yes.
- [Aabria] You see that guy. Camera, show it.
- Visual aid! - That boy is lit! - I'm going to cast Hex on this troll. - Amazing. - I will do that right away. Having done that, I am then going to cast
Eldritch Blast twice. Can I have Paddles give me advantage, use the help action, and gimme advantage on that first attack role? - Yeah, describe for me, how Paddles gives you advantage in combat. What does he do? - He flies and basically
harries the opponent to like get them distracted, without ever like endangering himself, with like an attack of
opportunity from them. But like flies at their eyes, and disrupts them enough
that I can get off like- - Love that. So go ahead and make your
attack roles with advantage, as Paddles very specifically, is headed towards the
little skull at the top. And it's just sort of
flying in and grabbing it and changing this dude's
center of balance. - So after a shot goes off at Celeste, I'm gonna just, I had been a little bit
quiet in that moment, and go, oh, you wanted to keep
talking, my good friend. (all laugh) And seeing a dude like
full extend with a gun, and sprint towards someone is like a little insane. And he's gonna fire the Eldritch Blasts. I think he fires the Hex, and the Eldritch Blast out of the gun. - That's really cool. - Hold on. You're not gonna roll. You're gonna actually shoot the gun. - Okay, it's loaded? - [Aabria] There you go, it's loaded. - And if I hit him, I hit him? - [Aabria] Yeah, if you
hit him, you hit him. - Oh, hold on. I'm just like fully in the shot here.
(Aabria laughs) - Listen. (speaking foreign language) (all cheer) That one was accurate. - You make a hit. You hit with both of your Eldritch Blasts. Go ahead and roll damage. - Okay, can I roll to see if I crit on either of them?
- Oh my god, yeah, go ahead. He doesn't. - None of them.
- None of them crit. Um, okay- - That was a good detraction from my cool narrative flow, to crit fish. - I just wanted to-
(all gasp) You know what? - Are you a crit fisher? - Whoa.
- Sorry. - Better call Nev Schulman up in here. We've got a crit fisher. - We'll explain it on the bottom. - [Mika] Yeah. - You literally have to
explain everything to me, so thank you. - There's a television
show on MTV called catfish. - That's gonna be 25 points of damage. - As you hit him, he staggers back, you catch him in one
Eldritch Blast in the arm. The other sort of just
between his ample bosom. And I'm gonna need everyone
role initiative now. As you have now raised
the ire of my sweet son. - Oh, I love that nat one. It's a four.
- Oh, no! - You got a 10, Yahui? - Yeah. - 19. - 22. - Preston, you are up first. You are sort of in the light of the torch. - [Freddy] Yes.
- That Yahui is holding. And you saw Abe sort
of run out to the edge of your like dim vision, and fire a couple bolts in the dark. - Preston's amped out of his gourd. - [Aabria] Yes.
- at the prospect of finally tasting the blood of combat.
- [Aabria] Yes. So,
- [Aabria] Yes! - He's gonna, "Oh yes! This is what I've been waiting for." And I'm gonna enter rage as a barbarian. - [Aabria] Amazing. - For my bonus action. And then I think I'm
just gonna just sprint, a reckless attack, and
just sprint towards, can I make that distance? Probably not, right. - [Aabria] Ah look, Look at me not worrying about it. (overlapping chatter) - [Aabria] that's great. - So I'm just gonna just sprint over, and just do a reckless, just a completely blind swing of this bag. - Amazing. Because you are in the dark, you would normally roll with disadvantage, but your reckless attack
would give you advantage. So it washes out to just a normal attack. - Okay, and I'm not sure
what a bag plus I have, an unarm strike plus five- - Look, that bag I'm gonna say is D10, plus your strength modifier. - [Mika] Yeah.
- So you rolled a billion- - 25, yeah. - Yeah, a 25 absolutely hits. - And second attack is a 12 plus a 20. - So they both hit. Go ahead and roll D10 plus your dex. - 10 plus 4, 14. So 20 total. - Oh my gosh, 20 points of damage. So what does it look like, the moment Preston sort
of like lets loose, and gives into his rage? - You've seen those like photographs of like disgraced, rich kids, who've been like doing real crimes, and it's like the mugshot? You're just like, oh- - Yeah! - This is who they are,
- Yeah! - really.
- Yes, good. - It's it's a maelstrom of noise, and like guttural screams, as he whips this thing around. And I think that like on the second hit, I think this bag explodes, like, right? Like, I feel like this bag is- - No, 100%, love that.
- Totally is just gonna throw metal shards and stuff everywhere. Just like out of his hands. 'Cause he's not even
paying attention to it. - Yeah, you are a little guy, but you're able to like
get this sort of like running leap going, and it's fun because Abraham and this troll are the only ones that can see you just losing yourself to your maelstrom of privileged rage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - As you crack him across the face, you catch him in the junk,
I think, on the second one, 'cause you're back on the ground. - [Freddy] Oh yeah, yeah. - Hit him square in the cash and prizes.
- Like a speed bag. - Yeah. And like a reverse pinata. It explodes and sends this
metal shrapnel everywhere. - Ooh, I feel that. - Yep, takes 20 points of damage. You hear him like bellowing and moaning, and you don't see it, but Abraham, you do. All that scattered metal hits the ground, You hear the sound of it
like scooching across. And then it begins to vibrate. And begins to like shoot towards itself, and begins to reassemble the weapon that it used to be, now that it's underground, now that it's closer to these ley lines. (Becca gasps) - [Aabria] And it reforms itself. - There's props? - Ooh! - They've hidden props!
- We love a good prop! - Oh my god! - A massive working Gatling gun (all shout excitedly) is laying on the ground in the darkness, for whoever would be
brave enough to wield it. - [Freddy] Yeah, you got the little guy. - I got the little guy. - He's just the little guy! - Just a little guy.
- Just a little guy. - Just a little guy. So you sort of land on the ground, blind, and sort of seething, as it is now- - And more alive than I've ever been in my entire life, yeah. - You know you got some good damage in, even if you didn't see it, you feel it. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - The troll is going to lean down, and can see you, 'cause
he has dark vision, and it's just going to grab
you by the back of your neck. I need you to make a
strength saving throw. - Ooh, but with the
strength saving throws, I get a advantage on saving throws. So that is a natty one on the first one.
- [Aabria] Okay! - It overrides doesn't it? This overrides it, doesn't it?
- That's bad! No, no, no. you have, your advantage rides. - [Freddy] Okay. - So go ahead.
- [Freddy] Alright. - [Aabria] I do love a natural one though. - [Freddy] 16, plus five. So 21. - You run away like feeling something sort of bearing down on you. But it catches you by the scruff, and you get lifted to his eye level. - Did you guys ever get aikido demonstrations in school?
- Mm-hmm. - And I always remember,
even as a kid being like, ah, they're not lifting that guy. 'Cause they would do the thing where the guy would be like,
"Oh you can't lift me." And then it's like all of
a sudden he would like, kinda stand there, no one could lift him. I'd remember back to
my schooling, I'm like, "Oh, that aikido
demonstration that one time." And I like plant and like try and do that, but it doesn't work. (Aabria laughs)
Cause that's not how it works! Just get lifted up-
- That's not how it works! - I just get lifted up immediately.
- That was just an adult with a bunch of children. - That was just an adult
with a bunch of children, who was told to do things
a certain way, I think. - Yeah, 100%. - Not ragging on aikido, I'm sure it's a great form. - [Aabria] Yeah. - I just remember those demonstrations, and very distinctly being like, I don't know. - [Aabria] Yeah. - What if they just punched him though? (all laugh) - So yeah, he's gonna grab you, and lift you up to his eye level, and you can finally see
something in the dark. You see the like red pin pricks at the center of his pupils, as he looks at you. And he's just gonna headbutt
you for the second attack, and send you scattering away. - Does a 14 hit? - Does not. - You sort of seeing in his eye and you see like the distance as the pupils rear back. - Because I'm just flailing. I just through sheer luck, as the head butt comes in, my foot- the toe of my foot, and of my like very dainty, like curled, you know, shoes
- [Aabria] Yes. - clogs, just happens
to be in the right place to just poke his eye before.
- Ooh! So like the head like gets interrupted. - Amazing.
- You know? - You're like when I
try to pick up my dog, and I just get like a paw- (all laugh) Yes. And he's not able to land
a blow that hurts you. But you do hear like he's up close. His breath is rank, and he's like "Just fucking leave!" - Ah yes, I've heard this quite a bit, but it turns out with money you can go anywhere you want. - Damn.
- And he drops you, and lets you run away. Amazing, that's psychotic. (Freddy laughs)
Abe, you're up. - Preston, is probably not surviving this. just throwing that-
- [Aabria] We'll see! - Abe is going to literally
in his mind be like, hm, this troll does seem
to be reasonably asking us to just leave. The ethics of what we're doing
here completely escape me. But, we dicked around
for a long time in town. Time to get this adventure hopping'. (all laugh) I would normally, if this were a longer formed thing, I would interrogate the logic of this, but there's no time to be ethical. (all laugh) - Amazing, amazing. - Paddles gives the help action. Gonna bonus action with
the Eldritch cannon. Let's go. It's gonna be 24 to hit. - 24 hits. - And I'll roll the two
Eldritch Blasts now, as well.
- [Aabria] Yeah. You don't have to shoot the little guy, unless you want to. - I'll have it all. I think it's like, you're like, that doesn't like, there's no magazine, it's not a revolver, but I keep pulling the trigger, and stuff keeps coming out. - It's weird. - And it all looks way different. Like it's Eldritch Blasts and Hexes. - You need it again. - Let's get disturbling. (gun cocks quietly)
(all laugh) That click was so underwhelming. - That was very underwhelming, yeah. - [Brennan] The most
underwhelming click in the world. - We'll add a cool one in post. - That's not a Nerf gun, this is a Nerf gun. - [Mika] Not sponsored by the way. - Not sponsored. I meant it in the bandaid sense. That's a, uh, that's gonna be a 17, and, a 17 to hit and then a 21 to hit. - 17 just misses, and the 21 hits. - Woo, that's a bad roll folks. 13 plus three, is 16 damage. - [Aabria] That's not nothing, sir. - He was also pushed
five feet, 15 feet back. - You actually see, as he gets pushed back, and he like rattles off
against the back wall. And it sort of knocks like
dirt and detritus down and begins to rain. Uh you can sort of taste the air. It's a mixture of like ash and dead, decayed things that have moved towards dust. And that little bit of like ozone, that is the magic of this place, that's suffused in
every like atom of dirt. You are inside the ley line now, and it's very apparent and obvious. Awesome. Yahui you're up! - Whoa, okay. So like my friends are upset, and I know I need to help them, because that is my purpose, and maybe I need to use a battle axe. So, Yahui is going to command Deputi to run towards the troll. - [Aabria] Yes. - As Yahui is going to move
towards the Gatling gun, and I would like to... pick it up and use an
attack action with it? Is that maybe
- Yeah. - a thing that can happen?
- Please take the gun. (Becca gasps excitedly) - Is there like a- - The triggers right by your- - [Freddy] Oh, the alternate, yeah. - [Aabria] I feel like it's the other way- (overlapping chatter) - [Mika] it's the other way? - It's the other way.
- And then the trigger's there yeah, there you go. - This is not how I thought- - No you hold the- Yeah, there you go. - No, you hold the handle.
- You hold the handle, - it's a machine gun. (overlapping chatter) - How do I look cool while doing it? - You're doing it right now. - [Aabria] If you hit me,
I'm killing your character. - It's a very leaf blower sort of- - Yeah. (Becca yells excitedly) - [Brennan] You're supposed
to hold it down by your hip. It's supposed to be heavy. It's like heavy.
- Oh yeah, yeah. - I now think this is a terrible idea. - Test shot. - You gotta hold it.
- You gotta hold it. - Okay, I'm not ready yet. (Freddy laughs) Should I shoot? - Yeah. - Come on, come on, baby. Boom, boom, boom. - The top one.
- Wait for Yahui. (all shout) - We're Wahoodling! And I unleash. - [Aabria] Amazing. - How did we not have this growing up? This is not fair.
- Right? - I've been saying this for years. Kids toys are so much cooler now. - [Aabria] You gotta just- - Oh, ah, okay. - Amazing. Not gonna make you roll, actually go ahead and just crit fish, since we're all doing it. Give me-
- So here's the thing, I get an extra attack. - So-
- There's a flowchart here. Are you serious?
- Yeah, well. - Look at this flow chart! - A wise woman once told
me, always make a flowchart. - Always make a flow chart. Always be charting. - 21-
- You hit. - and a 22.
- Perfect, yep. Absolutely hits. - What's this do? - A D12 plus your dexterity. - Six for the first one. - [Aabria] Okay. - And a nine for the second one. So 15. And then... - And then. - That's dangerous.
- So you're now like, you're holding this
massive beast of a weapon on your hip. - And then Deputi,
- Yes. - in the dark, runs up on this troll, and his mouth slowly opens as you hear the creak of (imitates creaking)
- Unsettling. which is really just Deputi smiling. It's a creak of metal.
- Yes. - As I would like to expend my use of Unleash Incarnation, Deputi has the fury within them. And I get to make another melee attack. - Amazing, what are they attacking with? - The arm blade is on their right hand. (all laugh)
- Whoa! - Six, 14 and 15. No.
- You miss. (imitates strangled growl) - So, Deputi kind of goes up and swings, and you see the big belly of this troll, who still hasn't said his name. So I'm not gonna use it. It's the Skull Warden. There I said it. As he sort of throws this like metal, almost like gong on the front of his belt, in the way of Deputi's swings, deflecting them away. But, Paddles has given you enough cover, that you're able to connect with this massive arcane
Gatling gun on your hip. That seems to thrum at the same energy, and like vibrational
frequency, that you do. Something about this
feels right in your hands. - Ooh.
- Yeah. - Oh, I'd just like to recon a little bit. Sure.
- And I did, 'cause I was holding a torch. - Yes.
- So I think I have a pop out cup holder on my hip. That's fair.
- That I put the torch in. - That makes a lot of sense.
- I was just about to ask, how the vision was going. Yeah, so you, you drop
in into the cup holder. You don't take any burn damage. It's like on your other hip. And now everyone is sort of able to see this massive green ogre, who is staggering back against the wall. Literal firing squad, bleeding heavily, panting heavily. - Sorry to come into your house uninvited. But I think you were
heading towards foe there, when I asked. - I just chucked a thing to make you leave. - Well, it didn't work, did it? (all laugh) - Go fuck yourself. Your gun is little. - I won't fuck myself. I am a proud virgin. (all laugh) - That's true.
- That is true. - Yeah, that's cannon.
- Celeste, you are up. - Seeing all of this happen, Celeste just silently pulls out her long bow, and takes a shot right
at the troll's face. - Amazing. - 16 plus seven, I'm guessing that hits. - Yeah. - So 11 points of piercing damage. And then for my second attack, I'm going to cast Fire Bolt. - I don't wanna take this away from you. - Yeah?
- But what if I told you, you kind of got 'em with the first one. - Aw, man! - I'm sorry. Do you want me, I can add like two more hit points on, if you want to hit him with the Fire Bolt. - Can you add two more hit points? - Yeah, sure. For sure. - Knowing that I'm gonna
do my bonus action, before my second attack. - Okay. - You know what? Elroon, the honor is yours. - Oh my god, thank you. - And he's going to roll to hit, to bite, that's 18. - 18 just hits. - 18 just hits? So, may I describe in gruesome detail how- - I would never deny you that right. - [Mika] Thank you so much. - Please tell me how you
obliterate my sweet boy. - So what happens is
Elroon pops out his claws, and pulls the troll apart, like in half. Kind of spits some acid on him to kind of like melt the meat down. And then takes out, from like a side pouch, 'cause you know Elroon's cool like that. He has a little satchel on. He takes a pita pocket out of the satchel. Stuffs some of that meat into the pita pocket, and just starts snacking. - I need you to make
a con save for Elroon. - [Mika] (laughing) That's fair. - I don't know how I feel about this meat. - It's a three. - It is very obvious to all of you, that he's trying to like- - Be cool.
- Show off, for you. And he takes a bite. (whimsical music) - Elroon, it seems like
you wanna spit that out. - Don't force it, don't
force it, don't force it. - You don't have to eat it.
- Buddy, you can just, n-n-no, oh! - Second bite.
- No, you didn't-
- Thinks it's gonna be better. - It's better out than in, my guy. Just kind of like just
take in through the nose, and then out through the mouth. - Elroon's going to
slowly walk over to you. You see that like under his scales, he has begun to sweat a little bit. As he just, puts out the torch. So he has a little bit
of quiet and darkness, and is gonna go into the corner (imitates vomiting) and
you just hear a splatter, as he barfs in the corner. - You also hear some sizzling, 'cause he's an acid dragon-
- Yeah. - so the floor is definitely being burned alive.
- Yeah the floor is not great - The floor's being burned alive?! - (laughing) Yeah, the
floor's being burned alive. - [Becca] Whoa, I'm so
sorry for walking on you. - The floor is actually alive. - Amazing.
- You're welcome for that. - Anybody else feel bad about
that troll we just killed, in his house? - No it was, there was no consequences. We ended a life and
there's no consequences. I can do anything I want in this world. I can do anything I want. There's no rules. The rules of society
no longer apply to us. This is the greatest feeling in the world. - This is like that kid in the news. What did they call it? Like wealth fluenza or
something like that? (all laugh) - [Aabria] Yeah, affluenza! - Was that affluenza?
- Affluenza! - That's the most dire case of affluenza I've ever seen in my life. - We should do this, we don't need to just be in the dungeons, we could do this anywhere! We could go find political leaders. We could end their lives
and change the world to our, and shape it with our own hands. Okay, I think the rage
is wearing off a bit. - Okay, so we got one
vote for whatever that is. I'm gonna say maybe like
we find like a campfire, and just kind of sing songs or chill. You could do that one about
the simple machines again. - Yahui, yes. Well, the simple machines are all around. (all laugh) - I immediately pull out an arm and inside is like an example of each of the six machines. - Is Deputi still here with us? - Yeah. - I'm gonna look over and say, "By the way, I hope you take
this in the best spirit, would it be alright if I
briefly and momentarily cursed Deputi?" - If that's what would make you happy, that's what would make Deputi happy. - Incredible, what a fine friend. (Brennan screeches) And I'm going to use a bonus action to move my Hex over to Deputi.
- Amazing. - If there were enemies
around, I would use an enemy, but, it's gotta happen right
away, or I lose the spell! And I'm warlock, so I don't have a lot of
slots to throw around. - Okay, okay.
- Incredible. - Phenomenal. - I'm gonna say, "When Deputi is not around, where are they?" - That is something that we
choose not to contemplate. Deputi and I, we just look into each
other's eyes sometimes, and I know he's feeling what I'm feeling, and I don't want to think about the lack of existence, of my dearest and closest friend. - Right, because you're
talking about Deputi like, this is like, oh, your good friend Deputi, but there's lots of times where Deputi seems to not exist. And does Deputi know that they're sort of going into the void, whenever you dismiss them from existing? - You gotta roll a D4 for me.
- Yeah. Deputi turns his head sideways, like a dog questioning what you're doing. - You're gonna take two more
points of psychic damage. This is the only damage
I've put on anyone. And it's just contemplating
how your abilities work. - This is troublesome. This is troublesome. I'm gonna go back to the
drawing board on this one. Maybe, you know, go back to that grassy knoll.
- Right, 'cause you know, I die all the time, but we literally live in a world, where the afterlife is incredibly known. Like you can travel there. There's spells that can take you to where you go when you die. - I've been so many times. - But to be dismissed, like a spell effect, seems to be the only way
to actually stop existing, in our entire multiverse. - [Aabria] Yeah. - Now it's interesting that you say that, because Elroon kind of poofs sometimes. But like, then he comes back. - Can Elroon talk? - You know, for the sake of this game, I'm gonna say, fuck yeah he can. - Here's the thing, when I go, I go somewhere, when I'm not with you. - Where do you go, my guy? - I don't think that's a, this is not a thing from mixed company. - Oh, I didn't know it
was like super private. That's like-
- That's like dragon stuff. - That's like dragon stuff, you know, Doc, that's like dragon stuff. So like, maybe we'll never know. - Yeah, but I go somewhere. Like, I think that, and he's just gonna
gesture at Deputi like, I don't think that's like alive enough. So like he doesn't, you know, the ability to understand existence, and fear the loss of it. Nothing behind those eyes. - Deputi opens their mouth, - Yeah. - And you hear that creak one more time, as Yahui takes in information, just given by this creaking jaw muscle. And says, "Wow. Deputi has just told me that they are completely feeling enlightened with the fact that they cease to exist, because they're reborn anew, each time they are manifested. And they're completely
comfortable in the nether space of non-existence. It's peaceful there." - Elroon's gonna go in
to try to bite Deputi. - Uh-uh, no. - No, no, Elroon! My spell slots, I have so few of them!
- Elroon! - Elroon's eyes move to you, Yahui. - I'm gonna quickly cast
disguise self on myself, to look like Yahui and Deputi, and just run around in
a circle and be like, "Ha, three card monte, you can't tell, which one you're supposed to eat!" (all laugh)
- This is fun. - Make a deception check, with advantage. (Aabria and Mika giggle) - Ooh, that's a 22! (Aabria laughs) It's impossible to tell which of us is the real Deputi. - And, he's looking towards both of you. - Which one? - I guess I'll dance around too. - Elroon, you just had an upset tummy. I think this is the universe telling you that maybe it's
okay to not eat everybody. You can eat the next person we see though. And, as she pulls out like
a little piece of pita, extra pita! - Takes the pita and is just
sort of eating it strangely, and looking daggers back at the two Yahui. - Honestly, pita's great
for settling a stomach. - I think that it's just kind of the universal Pepto-Bismol. - I will say, looking sort of, you guys were all in like
this little skull chamber, in the corner. Looking back towards where you came in, it's sealed off entirely. So if Schteven was
going to be coming back, there was no way for him to come down. However, there's a perfectly
serviceable great axe, in the pile of mess that
was the Skull Warden. If you would like to take that. - Yeah, I think I will. And again, just like, you know, it's like when kids
get like a sugar caffeine, you know, like they're just, "Let's find more to kill. Yes, we're taking too much time talking. Less time talking, more time killing." - [Aabria] You're now in
this front little hallway, you see, you can go back the way you came, you could head sort of up, like what is a map? Upward towards another chamber. What do you wanna do? - So, what Celeste is gonna do, is hop on Elroon, who has dark vision.
- Okay. - And is gonna go, "Come on, my guy, let's get to killing." And we're gonna walk
down the hall together. - All right, you all
see Elroon and Celeste head through this like
narrow hallway upward. Do you follow her or do
you head somewhere else? - I will follow her, anywhere. - Abandon her to my machinations. - How many Yahui's are there now that I'm disguised as one? There's three, or there's four? - There's two Yahui's and a Deputi. - Just a hexed Deputi here. - Wonderful, thank you very much Deputi, I appreciate it. But you can summon a
new one if you need to? It's not a big trouble? - Yahui can summon a new Deputi, if needed. But you hexed this one, and I assume that was for
a very logical reason. - Well, now here's something
sort of funny, right? If we wanted to be the most
maximal with my spell slots, it would be super helpful, if Deputi were to die? - You love death. - I love it. - Am I giving you too much
of what you need, Doc? - Ooh.
- Oh. - If I let you kill my echo right now. - Ooh.
- Why not, let's, let's, you know- - Oh, I can do it. I'll do it. (Mika laughs) I volunteer! - Don't do it until there's an enemy! 'Cause I need to be able
to use a bonus action on the subsequent.
(all laugh) So right now, everything's good. No one's going to kill Deputi. Yet. - Look, Deputi is here for us. Right, Deputi? (Becca gurgles) - Upsetting. (all laugh) Inspiration, I hate it.
- So, uh, if I'm here under your tutelage, to learn from you as a
Citizen Doctor to be. Maybe, if that's a route I
choose to take in my life. So, if you wanna kill Deputi, that's fine by me. - I feel like there's, you know, dollars to donuts
probably Deputi's will die for natural cause. And we won't have to come
to that terrible decision, when we realize it's for the greater good, that we must kill Deputi. - Sure.
- Yeah. We will kill that bridge
when we come to it. (Freddy laughs) - And you guys are walking and talking, and you had sort of, through this tunnel, pinched and cramped, until you arrive in a cavern, that is almost obscene in its pinkness. As these like massive
crystals come out of the wall, they're actually throwing light. So you can see inside this cavern, and you see a woman, sitting on like a little carved crystal. It's not quite a throne. It's more of a very
uncomfortable looking ottoman, at the center of this crystal cavern. Just behind the little blue pool. And she's got long pink hair, sickly gray skin. And she's got a little like
lit match in her mouth, and she's tossing a little
black ball up and down, and just looking at you. - Is it this creepy little bitch, right there?
- Yes, her! That's her. - That's her? Oh. - She's cute, it's fine. - [Mika] It's fine. That's not disturbing at all. - She sees you riding in on the back of a massive brown Drake, and you see her slowly kind of startle. And then she leans and lights the wick, at the end of the black
orb that she was tossing. - Celeste would be like, "Hi, sorry, I don't mean
to like disturb you, but you're sitting upon an uncut throne." (all laugh) - I don't know what that means. What are you saying? - It means that your thrones
kind of jagged, my dude. And I feel like your
vibes are kind of rancid. - You don't even know me - I don't, but like- - To judge my vibes like that. And she puts the lit match behind her ear. - Now see, that action in itself is of a rancid vibe. And I'm just gonna need
you to either, you know, leave or have my really cool friend here, and she points over to Preston, behead you.
- Yeah, you have all funneled in now. - 'Cause he's kind of like, itching for a murder. Isn't that right, Preston my dude? - Yes! Yes! Oh, is this the next one? Oh, you will suffer under the axe. It's a wedge, as the doctor has informed. - Wow, you really did listen. (all laugh) Incredible. - That's a little weird, that you've come into my cavern, in my home, and you're asking me to leave. Where would you have me go? - I don't know, like, out?
- And you see her like grab the edge of the wick pull it out, just a little bit, to give you a little more time. - I don't know, like out. Like see, here's the thing. Sorry, I didn't explain. We were sent here.
- How about an introduction? Like, hello, my name is Danaska. Who the fuck are you? - Okay, I'm so sorry. - Oh, hey, I'm Yahui Wahoodle. This is my friend Deputi. - No, this is great. It's so nice to meet you. - Okay. Can we have your home?
- What are you made of? What? We were sent here to kind of like, clean out this portal. - By whom? - Some dude, his name was gross. Grimy. - Gellert the Gruesome.
- Gruesome! - Okay, hold on. Was he wearing any sort of like insignia? I don't know a Gellert the Gruesome, I've been down here for, I don't have a way of telling time. (Aabria and Becca laugh) - He had like weird red coat thing. - It's one of those fucking Holtsangers. Got it, okay, yes, sure. One of these little butthole mages. - Yeah, well the butthole mage
- That's good band name. - That is a good band name.
- Thank you. Thank you so much. And she actually puts out the bomb. And just starts rolling
it across her hands. She's contact juggling.
- Contact juggling?! - Yes!
- How is it staying in place?! Your hands are moving but it's not- - Thank you. I've had a lot of time down here to like perfect my art.
- Like all contact jugglers. - [Aabria] 100%. - So are you like, gonna leave? Your uncut thrown? - I'm, okay, let me be very clear. I love the name uncut thrown. That's big for me.
- Thank you. It's great, right? - What were you offered
to come and clear me-? - Oh, we're doing this for free. - We represent Citizen
Doctors Without Borders. An NGO that partners-
(all laugh) - A non-gnomic organization. - Yeah, yeah.
- Non-gnomish organization. No gnomes! - That seems weird of you, okay, go on. I'm listening. - And we came here, now, Gellert the Gruesome
spoke to one of us. I don't remember who, because I was singing a song to a group of children
about simple machines, while a dragon stole bread! But we saw a dungeon, and we came down here to help. And by help, I mean destroy. Also, I am a third robot named- (all laugh) - Yeah. Are you also Yahui? - I am Citizen Dr. Panini. (all laugh) - [Aabria] Okay, okay. - I would just like to amend that one little tiny bit, by saying I am here to help. So if there's something I can do for you, please let me know. - Can you please stop these people, and the other version of you, from displacing me from my home? - Okay. - We can't do that. - Oh, uh-
- Why not? - Sorry, I can't do that. - Wait, why? You just said you promised to help. Please help. - Got 'em. - I'm sorry, I would be your friend, but I'm also Celeste's friend, and I'm Celeste's friend first, so I hope Celeste remembers this, but I choose, if you two are at odds, I kind of have to go with
like first dibs on friends. - Wait. I have a question. What did Gellert say we were supposed to be doing down here? - Look, I didn't ask that. I was listening to your song, - I know, it's a great song.
- and then my friends wanted to go kill people in a portal.
- Quick question! Which of you got this fucking assignment? - Oh, that would be me, over here, yes. - Okay, what's your, what's your whole, what's your shit? What's your name?
- Oh yes, interesting. Hello, Preston.
- Hi, so nice to meet you. - Pelviskrown.
- Danaska. - Pelviskrown of the
Pelviskrown, Pelviskrowns. - Pelvis, what? - The city is named after us.
- Wait, you own its town? Wow.
- Yes, the whole city named after us. After the family lineage. - Copy.
- Yes. - Okay.
- Yes. - Are you a mage? - Am I of age? I think so, yes. I think I'm of-
- What? No, a mage. - Oh, no, oh, mage? No, no, no. - You've got like
sheathy rich mage energy, if I'm being super honest. - Oh no, no, no. Do not know, I do know, some of my best friends are mages. - That's so awkward for you, to just say- (all laugh) - I just saw Carlos in
the back there going- - His head shake is killing me! (Freddy and Mika laugh hysterically) Please take inspiration if
you don't already have it. - Yes, you know, when we
were told to come down here, I don't remember exactly what to do, because I had a guy-
- Okay, hold on. - to take notes for me. - Let me just get ahead of all of this. You came down here from some guy. - Yes.
- Who offered you no money to do murders in a place
that you have no context for. Can I offer you literally
one gold to do anything else? And that will be a net gain for you? - But, there is something
about a tower, Doc, that you needed? - Look, I'm gonna level with everybody. (all laugh) - Okay. - We were investigating a
confluence of ley lines, in a town called Red Tower. - Oh, this rings a bell, yes. - There was no Red Tower there. - [Mika] Right. - It presented an interesting question. - [Mika] Yeah. - Um, I started singing the song. (all giggle)
- And then we... And then we... And then it was sort of like, I don't know I just, the
vibe I was picking up, well, you know, you do a lot of these, and you sort of go like you go to a town, and someone in the town
tells you what to do. And often they're in a Tavern. But sometimes they're just on the street. And so it's sort of, the way Citizen Doctors
Without Borders works, is the first person you meet in a town, you do what they say, and... - Flawless, I love your logic. - May I interject, please? Hi, consider this sort of like under area, like a new town. Have you met anyone else here? - We kind of already did. (overlapping chatter) - Yeah, we didn't listen to him. - Wait, who did you meet?
- I gave him like one chance to say friend or foe, and he chose to abstain from answering, but also looked menacing. - He although threatened me!
- He through something at us! - Do you know a troll with a warhammer? - What, the Skull Warden? - Yeah, I think we slaughtered him. - Wait, what was his name? - The Skull Warden. - You can't own skulls. (Freddy laughs) Skulls are free. - Well, he has one at the top of, his little thing. - Oh no, it's broken now. - So he got into a fight with all of you, and you barely made it
out with your lives, because he's a very dangerous man? - Yes, and we defeated him.
- To be fair- - And we defeated him very easily. - What do you mean barely
made out of our lives? We clowned his ass hard. (overlapping chatter) - I did take some damage, but that was purely psychic.
- We did more damage - Inflicted by my friends.
- to ourselves, talking. - Yeah. - Yeah, the most damage that been taken, has just been Yahui realizing things. - Maybe, maybe he wasn't, he was pulling punches, 'cause he wanted to have a conversation, did we consider that?
- Well, he won't be pulling them anymore, yes. - [Aabria] So you killed him? - Eh, yes, I think so. - Splattered, I'd say. - And then, you know, Elroon here had a snack. - Ah yes, dismembered and ate.
- You fed my friend, and book club member, to your Drake? - You guys have a book club?
- What were you reading?! - Look, this is a buried
ruined mage tower. All we've got is books. - We're in the tower?!
- Look, I'm Look, I'm gonna fix this. - Yeah, there was a big mage tower, and then a ley line scooched, and it kind of knocked
everything under the ground, and then we killed all the bad mages, because they kept creating abominations. And not to be like an
ungrateful child or anything. But I didn't ask to be born, and make bombs and throw them, you know? - Oh, are you like,
- And we're just down here fucking vibing.
- an abomination? - Yeah, a little bit. And she like opens up. She's wearing this like
sort of gauzy purple dress, and opens up and you see her rib cage. And like deep inside, just what looks like a heart, and a set of lungs, but like is slowly excreting a metal bomb. - Whoa, I have something
similar inside me! And Yahui opens a panel in their chest, and you just see like a hand drawn picture of a heart. (all laugh) - Oh, no! - She immediately starts weeping.
- Full weeping. - Yeah!
- Just fully fucking weeps. (all laugh) Oh, that's so fucked up. (Freddy laughs) - I'll close it, I'll close it, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know!
- Oh my god! Wait, did a mage make you also? That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. - Well, yeah, my dad was a mage, and an artificer, and put me together and
told me he loved me, and sent me on my way, to do whatever I wanted to do. The hard part is I don't
know what I want to do, 'cause I have nothing inside to guide me. No guts, you know, to have a gut instinct. - But, you are always
given the option to decide what you want. Sorry, I'm still sad over the heart. - It's cool, bro, it's cool. We're chilling.
- That sounds bad. Do you want to fight everyone down here, without sort of purpose? - Ah, yes, that's the whole point. - That's fucking nuts! - I have a question.
- Yeah?! - Yes, sidebar.
- Yes? - Preston's bad. - [Aabria] Yeah. - Let me be clear-
- Preston is putting a hand round Yahui, and is like, have you tried perhaps to fill the void, the endless pursuit of material wealth? - No, I haven't tried that.
- It's bad, it's pretty bad. So, here's the thing, I'm realizing that I kind
of mentally checked out, in the first fight and-
- That's okay. - we popped all the way off. (all laugh) I'm going to, so what I'm gonna do is this, I'm gonna hustle on
back to the other room, I'm gonna bring your
friend back to life, okay? - Wait, you can do that? - Yes, absolutely. - Magic can do that? - Yes, magic can bring
people back to life. Here's our situation. We came here and were... God, what sort of happened? I guess we got really rattled that there wasn't a Red Tower. (all laugh) I guess that really
- That's all it took. - rattled us in a big way.
- It's all it took. - It's like one person starts it and you just
- Yeah, I guess it's like - don't know what to do.
- going to Red Hook, and being like, "Where's
the fucking hook?!" And then just shooting everybody. (all laugh) So, you know what, I'm gonna, what's your name, by the way? - Oh yeah, Danaska. - Danaska.
- So nice to meet you. - Uh, Panini. (all laugh) Leveling with you. We fucking lost it.
- That's okay. - We just lost it, and I have no idea what's going on. - It's our fugue state. - We kinda went to a violent, fugue state, and we just said like, let's kick it. We know like sort of like, you know, you get in a rut, and you're like, we know they're shape of this.
- Play the hits! - You play the hits, you play the hits! Dungeon, go, kill! So, I'm gonna bring your friend back. And-
- Thank you. - Here's the thing, I realized that our whole thing was like, there's not a visible tower. (all laugh) Time to go into top fucking gear. - Okay, can I ask just
a follow up question? This is very good. I appreciate everything
you're putting out. I gotta know, like what's so
important about the tower? Like did you need the tower? - Hey, Danaska, I'll shoot you straight. Not a goddamn thing. (all laugh) Not a goddamn thing. - So let me be very clear. You're in the tower. A tower can sometimes be.
- We're in it?! We're in the tower?! - I thought I said that. - [Becca] Yeah, you did say that. - We can wrap it up, mission successful! (all laugh) We did it, I actually think we did it. (Mika laughs hysterically) - Yes, I've managed to kill something, and this is very good. And I feel I got my money's worth. My father will be very pleased - You paid to come down here?!
- Yes, we paid the baker. - No, this is a real thing. A lot of NGOs do this shit. You know where you see
people that are like, "Oh, we're gonna go somewhere and like build a well."
- Yeah. - And it's like, yeah, you're
gonna, yeah, you fucking- - This is like abomination tourism. - Yeah, you fucking humanities major, are gonna go build a well.
- 100%, yeah. - And it's like, they
pay to go build the well, and then they use the money they paid, to just hire local contractors, to actually build the real well. - In this case, I wanted
the hands on experience. Which I got. - How about this? Okay. Thank you so much. Please bring my friend back. That would be so great. If you want to kill people.
- Yes. - Whoever send you down here, whose name, I believe you said, was Gellert the Gruesome? And you all did not
inspect that shit one bit! - Oh well you're gonna-
- I insight checked it! - I don't know what that means. And it made my nose
bleed when you said it. What? - Yes, we get nicknames all the time. You know, I- - What's your name? - Preston. - What's your nickname?
- But you know, the kids, the kids call me a pee pee boy. (all laugh)
- Whoa. - Preston, but this isn't true
- Pee pee boy. - This is not true. - I wish you didn't tell me that. 'Cause now I do have to
call you pee pee boy. - Yeah.
I would appreciate- But I think it's, I feel the empathy for Gellert, because I think that is not the same, it's the same thing. - Well wait.
- So you felt bad for Gellert, but you didn't feel bad, when you fully murked my friend? - Hey listen, everybody
has their off days. You know what I mean? - He's a smear now, I think. - Technically he's a pile of acid. - Not helping. - [Mika] True. - You're cute as shit. - Thanks.
- Not cute enough for that. - That's fair. But I have a quick question, before we continue on this conversation.
- Tight. This shit's so good for me. - I just feel like- - She takes the match and
like lights another one, and then puts that out behind the air. Like I gotta stay ready, just in case y'all turn on me, and I gotta blow the cave. - I totally get it. I just, I was wondering, are you saying that the
guy who's named Gruesome, is actually the bad guy? - I know, right? - Wait, Doc! - Yes, now, hold on. We're going to do something, that we should have done the first time. Is there any, 'cause listen, all of us have the same
instinct right now. You said that, all of us are like,
let's go kill this guy. (all laugh) But that would not be
learning from our mistakes! So we are going ask, we're going to ask-
- Growth. - four follow up questions. (all laugh) - Hey, can I get like a friend in here? - Yeah! - I'm very stressed out, I'm like super outnumbered. - Let's get the whole
book club in here, yeah. Yeah, let's get the whole book club. And I'm gonna bring your
friend back to life. And then we'll just all huddle up, and you know. - I just wanna interject real quick. That we may wanna figure out if Gruesome is like, gonna get murked, before our blood lust calms down, and we get kinda tired,
you know what I mean? I just like, I feel like
let's gather everybody, as soon as possible. - I think we, yeah, let's do our due diligence. - Let's do the due diligence. - And let's try to do it in five minutes, because I don't wanna lose the spell slot. - Spell slot? - Whoa, your nose is
bleeding on the other side. - [Aabria] Yeah. - Don't worry, he's a good mage, that's gonna like bring your friend back with the good magic.
- Well that's good. - So, like, we're good.
- We're chill. Please bring him back. - We're all good, I'm going
to bring your friend back. Yeah, I guess saying
spell slot is fucked up, even though that system is completely diegetic to the world, and it would be obvious after mages went throughout their day, that they would be able to calculate how much spell energy they actually had. Maybe they wouldn't call it spell slots, they'd call it manor or
something, I don't know. Anyway, the points is-
- Or spoons. - Yeah, there's a book,
there's whole thing about like spoon theory.
- There's a whole book about it, yeah. - 100%. - So I have an extremely
defined amount of spoons. Some of my, and just like spoons, the bigger ones can hold the
stuff the littler ones can. But the little ones can't hold big ones. (overlapping chatter)
- [Aabria] That's very good. - So. - Okay. - I'm gonna bring your friend back, then we'll have a little huddle up, and then we will, uh... - Go back and fight?
- Maybe go kill, yeah, Gellert the Gruesome. - I'm gonna go get
Spencer and Tiffin, okay. - I am going to go cast Animate Dead on... (all laugh) - That does not bring
him back from the dead. Okay. - Oh, it 100% is unless you are, have a weird problem with the undead, which is on you. - [Mika] That's fair. - Amazing. What does it look like
as you cast this, Abe? - I'm going to lean down, and I am going to start
attaching electrodes, get a weird, like, it's like a colander with springs on it, it's electrified. And I like, I put like a clamp on my own tongue, and then one on the Skull Warden's tongue. Take my coat off. Like straddle his chest. And I was like, "Paddles, the mind lance!" And there's like a thing that has to go through
the base of my neck, and then connect through
and stab into his neck, to connect our vertebrae together. Bringing someone back across the veil is incredibly intimate. (all chuckle) In the classical sense of the word, not in a sexual way. - I'll give you privacy, I'm sorry for looking.
- You don't have to! You can all watch. I prefer you did. - I feel uncomfortable.
- For science! - I don't like watching.
- Preston's taking notes. - I have to take notes,
and I don't like watching. (Becca laughs) Preston's into it. - My eyes roll back. I'm gonna start summoning like, you know, necromantic energy, and I go, "Now, anyone watching, see if you can identify any of the single machines." (all laugh) - Amazing. And you slowly bring back as like, very T-1000 style, the sundry bits of the Skull Warden start schlurping back. - Oh, not schlurp! They schlurp, and it leaves that acid that's been like pitting and
marking the stone ground. The last blow was the bite to death, yes? - No, no, no, last blow
was the rip in half. - Like a phone book.
- Like a phone book. - Yeah okay, that's bad. (Aabria laughs) - And then it kind of took a chunk out of like the organs to
put in the pita pocket. - [Aabria] Perfect. - So like, he's still
there if you glue him. - So what you see is a bisected- - Yeah, yeah
- troll, who is held together with green energy, and that sort of like
dark black, green icker, that is the interior of him. Especially, it's like
pooled in the little corner, where that like that pita
pocket was taken out. And it just sort of is shimmering there, as he is brought back to unaliveness. - Yeah, I'll, even with the green energy, I'll do like a thick leather cord, that like gets sewn up. So he's really like sewn up in the middle. And if it's all right, I'd like to do some bullshit. - I love bullshit, please. - Can I permanently give up one of my infused items? If I ever play Abraham Mehermblur
again, he will not have, I'm gonna permanently
destroy the Bag of Holding, infused item that he has, to create a permanent
Speak With Dead effect, which does fully grant the
consciousness back to a creature. So this is kind of a bootleg resurrection- - [Aabria] Oh my god! - It's Animate Dead with a permanent Speak With Dead effect. - You do not have to burn, I love creativity, you don't have to burn anything to do it. As you have sort of-
- [Mika] That's amazing. - bent the arcane to your will, you were even ready to give up like deep, fundamental magics from you. And then you remember that you are sitting on the banks of a ley line, (Brennan gasps) and the energy that you
grab is external to you. And you feel yourself, even as you are reaching for those like essences of unlife, that you so easily summon for yourself, you drag something
fundamental back into him, and stuff it in and belt it tight. And it's great. It's just like a pot that
got glued back together, not as good. (Freddy laughs) - Yeah, that's one of
my favorite activities. (all laugh) - [Brennan] Uh, yes.
- And he looks at you, like... - The only thing I can say is, I was wrong. I'm very sorry. - You know what? We're cool. Because whatever I am, doesn't go anywhere great, when I am unmade. There's a place. It is bad. And something that looked
like you was there, and he looks at you, Panini. - Oh!
- He goes- (all laugh) so I'm gonna look and go, Wow, now, bad? Bad?
(all laugh) Bad how? Is it bad, environmentally? Ambience? A feeling? Anything? - It was the sort of desperate lack of anything to adhere to. I felt as though I was falling
and standing eternally, spreading in every direction, and yet unmade entirely. It was-
- Oh my god. It fucking sucked. - Back in the alleyway, you hear the Deputi just like (imitates creaking)
- Yeah. (all laugh) - Oh my god, incredible. Okay, wow. Okay. Paddles, do you wanna
just do a quick scan, with some of the instruments? Not in a rude way, but just get it. Just get it. - Paddles is getting in there in like the juicy sort of jelly, in this PB and jelly of the guy, you know, "I'm just, I'm just gonna-" - I'm just quick, like slight of hand, some like little baggies over, like, "Get some in the bags." (all chuckle) - He gets out a micro pipette, gets in there. "We can take more", and
just grabs his hand, and just kind of scrapes
some of the jelly icker, (Becca groans) and puts it in a bag. - Incredible. - Thank you for bringing me back. - No thank you necessary. It was the least we could do, we straight up killed you, and we didn't even know why. - I got rocked T-B-H. I thought that would've gone differently. - Oh, and actually that is
one thing I will ask is, was that, were you trying to hit
us with that rock up top? - No. - Wow, your friend was right. How about that? - No, I was just like, go, you know that like, go on, get. - Yeah, sort of warning shot. If we'd been a little bit more reasonable, that probably would've done
what you wanted it to do, instead of the exact opposite of what you wanted it to do. - I mean, it worked the last time.
- Ah well, to be fair, it destroyed the staircase. So we had no choice, but to come to blows. - Oh it's cool, we're cool now, I guess. - This is very awkward, you know? It's like a little bit, little bit morning after
sort of feeling here, just killed you, and now you're back. It's, you know, a little
bit strange perhaps. - I think it's beautiful. Yahui has an oil tear and is like, "This reminds me of when I
woke up for the first time and saw my dad. That's like your dad." - Your dad's a virgin. (all laugh) - Just like in all those stories. Okay. - And in all fairness, your
intestines made Elroon yak. So it's kind of like-
- I'm sorry? - eye for an eye, you know? - I feel like I'm being gaslit, in this moment, specifically.
(all laugh) - Do you, would you like to be gas lit? Because right now you're running off of pure necromantic energy. (Freddy laughs) But if you wanna be, if you're like, I don't want
do the magic-science hybrid, - No I'm fine.
I want straight science. - Look-
- We could do steam power, we could do gas power. - Nah, I'm just, I'm gonna- I'm gonna go in the other room. My friend's in there, I don't know if you met her, she's nice. - She said you were in the book club? - [Brennan] Yes. - Yeah, you know about the book club? - No, what are you reading? - Oh, right now, just a, like a general adventure story. It's about like people, and their on horses and they- - Ah, horse people. - Yeah. - Centaurs, I believe they're called. - Oh my god, a centaur
tried to kill me once. - I would fight them with this battle axe. Sorry, too much? (all laugh) - I'm gonna head us back into the room, where we can meet with these guys. - You go back in the room, and you actually see now, oh we'll just point 'em out, if they're here. Yeah, okay, you see
that guy in the corner? - Oh, normal, yeah.
- Yep. That's Spencer. - [Mika] Okay. - And Tiffin, oh, we
don't have Tiffin out, out and about.
- Tiffin? - Oh, there's Tiffin. - Is Tiffin the ice guy?
- Ice guy. Ice guy.
- Oh, he's cool. - [Aabria] Yeah. - I'm looking at all these like undead. I'm literally undead, and I'm like, "Well, this place fucking rules." (all laugh) "Why did we think this place was bad?" - [Freddy] It's totally my vibe. - This is incredibly my vibe down here. - Yeah, Spencer's
actually this like massive sort of grim reaper skull, that's coming outta this, like cyclone, in the water, in the center. - [Mika] Oh. - Holding a ghostly green scythe. And is just sort of posted up, like on a rock and sees you all coming in, and gives you a little peace sign like, "What's good?" - What chapter are you on? 'Cause I'd love to hear the discussion from the beginning, but I hate to have a book spoiled early. - Well, I can like run you
through what's happening. - I would love it more than anything, if you would describe to me the- - The plot, and the details of- - You think I won't take that bait? As if we could sit here for five minutes. - [Becca] Well... - So it starts off. (Becca and Freddy laugh) So this story, it's
like an incredible hunt that has happened every 20 years, since time memorial, in these like unfettered realms. And then you kind of go up, and you see the centaurs, and they're chasing this like- - Sorry, I do wanna
come back to book club, but should we go kill that guy, that told us to come kill you? - Everyone has to ask at
least one question, okay? Four follow up questions. - Oh yeah.
- Oh, got one. Why do you call him the Gruesome? - We don't fuck with what's up there. Except we would like to extend an offer to all of you. This place is full of a
bunch of mage bullshit. You found some. That big Gatling gun, looking boy. - Oh, this thing? I've been holding it the whole time.
- The whole time. - Yeah, we recognize
stuff that's from home. We've got magic items. We will offer you each one, if you go back up, and make sure no one else comes down. We've kind of formed like a very like nice collective down here. Like we're sort of resigned to our fate. We live underground. But we don't really need
to eat or breathe or kill. - Counter offer, as my question. Can we have the item now, to help us kill the Gruesome guy? But we leave something here, like, I don't know, a shoe or something?
- Like collateral, like what? Like a shoe? You want to leave a shoe, as I give you like a
powerful, magical item. And she's like, she's lighting one of the little bombs again.
- What if- Now what if, hear me out. - Okay, that was a first offer. And I respect it, but maybe no. - You can look me in the eyes, and see how trustworthy I am. We will go kill the Gruesome guy. And then seal up the hole. 'Cause if we seal it, how are we gonna get our reward after? - Make a persuasion check. Do it. - Ah, I will give the help action. (all laugh) How you helping? - [Mika] How you helping? - Panini. - I would say, "Listen, I'm just a simple robot. But the things that we would use to defeat Gellert are in the common interest of all of us. So, rather than collecting the magic items after the success of the mission, why not combine our resources to ensure the success of the mission?" - Oh, okay. That's fair. Go ahead and roll again. Now, let me- I see that natural one. - Okay, so the highest roll was a nine. - Oof! And she kind of just leans back, and starts conferring with this massive like ice white skeleton. Who you've heard, they gestured toward them, and were described as Tiffin. And all you hear coming
from Tiffin's mouth, is this like, it's the sound of glaciers
rolling against one another, like old ice creak, creaking and forming, and breaking and shattering.
(Becca imitates creaking) Yeah, look. Deputi, I think, speaks
fluent whatever that is. - Deputi has hearts for eyes for Tiffin. (all laugh) - I'm like, what is going on? (all laugh) - Hello, l'amour! - And Danaska kind of like considers, and comes back and says, "Look, if I'm being super honest, I'm not worried about like the like handoff of magical items. I just don't necessarily trust that you won't simply kill us with them. Do you know what I mean?" - Pinky promise. - What is this reminding me of? And she does it. And then you hear the sound of Tiffin, like exclaim something. She's like, "That's right! You remind us of the heroin of our book." (Becca laughs)
(Mika gasps) - Yeah, she was being hunted, by a bunch of like centaur people. That's so crazy-
- I was being hunted by centaur people. - Shut up. - I pinky promise- - You can't just keep
- I'm telling - saying pinky promise,
- you the truth. - but I trust it.
- But it's the truth! - I true, it's happened, and then the reason that Elroon here, and she like pats on the shoulder, is here. - (gasping) Yeah, no
one noticed the dragon! It's very stealthy, for some reason. - Oh, I forget you're there.
- So tall he just blends into- - He came out of the ether to save me, and now we're besties.
- And then transported you to a different realm!
- Yes! Oh my god!
- It's in the book! - Is my life a book? - Do you have a copy of
this book here, present? - Yeah, you can have mine, hold on. And she runs to like the
side of the crystal cavern, and like pushes a massive crystal away, and picks up a copy of like a little like, it's a bright pink tome, with like gold guilt pages. And it's just called The Ballad. - Celeste just like snatches it, and like flips to the end, to see what happens at the end. Is there anything I can glean for- - Give me a wisdom saving through. - The space time continuum! - God dammit.
- Uh oh. - [Becca] This is how you
inflict psychic damage on yourself, I've been here.
- You have to roll inside the box! - Oh I do? Okay.
- Please stop missing, you raggedy bitch. (all laugh)
- [Mika] I know. God dammit!
- No! - Okay. That's still bad, it's a seven. This dice is in jail. - You turn to the end of the book, and you all see that these
are like filled pages. But your eyes kind of go over, and they begin to tear. And you like your vision blurs, and you cannot make out these words. You can't read the end of your own story. - Celeste holds up the book and goes, Elroon, can you read? (Freddy laughs) - Elroon grabs it, looks at it, throws it. We'll throw it in Panini's direction. - Celeste. Everyone's story ends the same way. (Freddy and Becca laugh) Except for maybe me! (all laugh) And I'm gonna toss the book back to the book club. I'm gonna say- - She drops it. She did not catch it.
- I'm gonna say, we will find out what
sorceress enchantment, or fey mischief has seen your life put into the pages of a novel. We will kill the author of this book! I'm doing it again. (all laugh) - You do default to that, right away.
- No! - And Tiffin's just nodding. And like nudges-
- I need to ask why. - Tiffin's now standing next to Deputi. - You know what it is-
(Becca imitates creaking) - It's sort of a selection bias, right? Adventuring is very dangerous. So the adventurers that tend to survive, are the ones that are quick to pop off. - Mm, that makes perfect sense.
- That is a good point. - But, I will ask my question now. Why is it right to kill Gellert? - Best I can understand, you know, not having been up here, not having seen one of the
mages that ran this tower, in couple centuries, other than, and she points to the Skull Warden's little skull on the top of his head. That was the last one that came down here, and we took care of him. There's a whole family. They're super up fucked up. They found the ley line. They decided to hoard
the magic for themselves. They choked out the local lands, to build their little tower. And soon they were run out of town, because power eats itself, over and over. All we ask is maybe, stop the cycle. However you see fit. You can kill everybody up there. Doesn't mean anything to be.
- I'm sold already. I need to know no questions. Oh, trying to get into
the spirit of things, what is to killing them? I, you know, I just
want to get in on this. - I mean, I can't knock the hustle. It was great to just
see you try, you know? (all laugh) - I know already asked a question, but if I could ask one more question?
- You can have my question. - [Aabria] Sure. - No, yours was good. I don't wanna knock it. Okay, so, there's a lot of power
running through here. I'm seeing a pool of blue light, and that's a really nice color. I love what you've done with this place. - Thanks.
- I'm wondering if maybe, in me taking these gap years, several, to try and find who I am and what I wanna be in the world. What my place is. Maybe, this ley line could
infuse me with the power to see my path? - If you were asking me
for permission to jump in like that magical p-
- I dive in. - Oh shit, okay. What you see-
- Very gracefully and dancerly. - Make a performance check.
- Okay. - As you dive in,
- That's a zero. - and we see behind you, Deputi and Tiffin are
just full making out. - [Mika] Good for them.
- Ooh! 13. Then you hear a lot of
creaking jaw in that make out. - It's very, very noisy, and not that pleasant looking. It looks like they're trying
to destroy each other. - Like teenagers with braces, clanking together.
- [Mika] Ooh, yeah! 100%
- Oof, oof. - 13. - Yeah, you dive in. You are in and around this magical like power and energy, you feel connected in that way that like the jumble of metal that
reassembled into the gun that you have like on your hip. You feel that like interstitial energy is actually between the like very atoms of your metal, too. And it's all this. You are in a strata of the arcane that allows you to exist. And from inside it, what do you think about? What do you focus on? - I just start seeing particles of rocks floating in this pool, start to perform Swan Lake, (Aabria laughs)
in front of me. - Okay, yes. - Within the pool, but without the confines of gravity, these rocks conform into humanoid bodies, and perform the most beautiful ballet you have ever seen. - And you feel as the rocks
sort of move around you, and move into these spaces, they're flanking you. As if to make you the central focus, you are center stage, in this moment. What do you do? - I'm the swan. I, Yahui Wahoodle, am the swan! And I burst outta the pool! - Can I take this moment
to give a help action to whatever this is, and lean over to Celeste, and be like, I dunno about you, but I'd say that warforge
has got the moves. (Becca and Freddy laugh) - Celeste's just kind of turns like, first of all, I'm engaged. This is really awkward of you. (Becca and Freddy gasp)
- [Brennan] What? - I feel like we haven't even gotten to know each other. - Wait a minute, if you're engaged, was that whole shit with Preston earlier? 'Cause that was a lot of vibes knocking back and forth.
- Lots of vibes. - I was literally trying to fund my murder plot here. - You have just said a thing which is so damning, (all laugh) like it saves you.
- Yeah! - That was wild, I can't believe I was here for that! (all laugh) In any case, Yahui, beautiful dance! - Yahui- - Beautiful dance, Yahui.
- you emerge from the water. You have wings. (Becca gasps)
- [Mika] Oh my god! - And you now have 40 feet of fly speed. (all laugh)
- (laughing) Oh my god. - [Brennan] I love it. - This is the best day
of my life, rock on. - I think Abe is like, oh, you're doing it! You're flying a little bit faster than you run! (all laugh) Incredible!
- Just a little bit. - Just a skosh faster than you run. We love it, we're like, go Yahui! - If they wasn't next to each other, you couldn't really tell probably. - [Aabria] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, man. - You get it over like long- - Yeah, if this was an hour long trip, you'll get there four,
five minutes faster. - Spencer's like nodding next to you as you say that. And the moment you emerge, Deputi also seems to sprout like that echo of wings as well.
(Becca gasps) - Got you, friend. - Hey, this counts as
their magic item, right? You can fully fly now. Does that count? We good? - I do a little lap around
the top of the chamber. We're so good. - Amazing. - Oh, do I still have the Gatling gun? - Yeah, of course you do.
(Freddy laughs) Can, when I was in the water, maybe it attuned with my other arm? - Do you want it to be on your body? - Yes.
- Ooh, you got no hands now! (all laugh)
Ooh, hard. - You don't need them!
- I don't need them! - Don't need opposable
thumbs where I come from. - Amazing.
- You have six limbs, and none of them are hands. (all laugh) - Incredible. - So like, do we all
jump into that pool or? - You've said some pretty bad stuff. - I have not. . - Like 100%.
- What a rebuttal. - I'm not letting-
- Great point, Celeste. All right, let's head on outta here. - Like, okay, what do you want? Like what do you, what's
your plans from here? - Well-
- 'Cause we can send you towards the shrine that will like allow you to get back up, there's a menhir there. - Yeah, I mean, I feel like we're gonna go help you guys out, 'cause you seem pretty vibey, you know? And we're gonna- - I'm glad those vibes have turned from rancid to vibey. - They're vibey, you know, you guys actually aren't rancid. I just saw the bombs and I got kind of skittish. Forgive me. - Honestly, your vocal fry belies what I think is a good heart. I'm bending over backwards
to make this okay. Totally.
- I totally understand. So what I'm saying is we, as good Citizen Doctors Without Borders, are going to go behead? - Yes, yes.
- The Gruesome man. And let you guys read books in peace. (Freddy laughs)
- [Aabria] Thank you. - I didn't know peace
was a four syllable word. - The longest word I've ever heard, and I blacked out halfway through, thinking about it. (Brennan imitates Mika) - Yes. - Yes, yes. Okay. Danaska is going to light her little bomb. Don't be alarmed. And she like pushes it down, like burning fully burning her finger to get the fuse very close. Don't worry I'm not going to, and tosses it up in the air. And it explodes and
sends down like a shower of like crystal particles. I shouldn't have done that
like right over my head, I think, but whatever. And holds up like a handful of them. You have a long bow. I can see it attached to your back. Maybe put these on the edge, and they will kill things good for you. (Mika gasps) - Would you say that these are uncut gems? (all laugh) - You walked right into it! (Mika laughs) - Yes, I would say that you
have uncut gem arrowheads, and they'll do a special amount of damage, if you use them. - You're like my muse. - No! No! I will blow myself up, right now. (all laugh) - I'm done. - So I'm assuming like all gems, these will get way better if we cut them, right?
- No, 100%, right? You have to cut them,
that makes them good. - Making sure, yes of course. Good, good, good. - Anyone else? - Yes, yes. Any weapons? Weapons of a good killing power. - Tiffin, you got something for this? And you see that Tiffin was like mid-mac with Deputi, again it's just-
- Just like tongues. - And is going to reach
deep inside themself, and you hear them like break something. And they hold out this sort of like dark blue ice. And they just sort of
smear it across the edge of the battle axe that you
took from the Skull Warden. And it frosts over with horror frost. And now you have a battle axe, that does like extra
cold damage on top of it. - And it cools beverages, if I put something next to it?
- And it cools beverages. - [Mika] Hell yeah.
- You stay frosty, my guy. - After a day like today, it's gonna be nice to kick back, and drink some frosties with the bros. (all laugh) - On the grassy knoll. - On the grassy knoll.
- On the grassy knoll. - Couldn't have been elsewhere. Now- (Aabria laughs) Now, are there any texts within the tower, that we now inhabit, belonging to the family of Gellert, that I might be able to study, to see if there is some
heinous plot there, or ascertain what the scheme of this horrendous family might be? - Yeah, we can absolutely
ransack the library. We only really care about
the like adventure stories. You can have all of the mage texts. - Oh, if there's any non-fiction stuff, that's mostly what I read. - You see Spencer, the Shadow River Lord, disappear into that like pool. - Take my bag of holding, do a little snap over at the Skull Warden, and be like, still got it. (all laugh) And then I'm gonna just
open up the bag of holding, for any text. - It's a full no look, as like a little spout
opens up in this pool, and just a bunch of
texts are getting like... Give me a slight of hand check, to like-
- Paddles, help! (all laugh) - I love the Paddles is just cheat code. - Yeah, 100%. That is what a familiar is for. - (laughing) Paddles. Paddles.
- How'd you do? - That's gonna be a hot three, on the slight of hand check. - Paddles is down there going, how the fuck do I help? - I don't know, dude! Help me! - And, as you're arguing, a bunch of books are like shooting out, and just landing on the ground around you. - Hah, hoo, hah, hee! Why do I not want them
to touch the ground? (all laugh) - Yeah, Paddles is just running around, picking them up and
putting them in your bag. - But they're creased real bad. - Like they're fine, they're good on the ground. You can have a ground book. Anyway, I'm like looking at the outsides, and some of them are like family history. So I guess maybe get like a plot. - I wanna look at the
family history stuff, to see if we can catch some, I wanna look for something, so that when we confront Gellert, I will have the ammo. - Yeah.
- Love it. - The reason to murder.
- Give me an investigation check.
- Your great aunt sucked! - Got him! - Your grandma cheated at the state fair!
- I'll do like a history or- - Yeah let's go history. You have advantage. - Sure. - Ooh, that's gonna be a 27. - Yeah, you like dig into these books and you see some of the oldest like Holtsanger mages, found and sort of
stumbled across this like tiny ley line, that other people weren't arcanely attuned enough to notice. And they essentially built
their Scarlet Citadel, on top of the ley line, to choke the magic and fuel
their brand of studies. They bottlenecked it, they kept it away from
like the surrounding town. Like the people, the actual town of Red Tower was built as this sort of like serfdom and reliance on the mages here, to like serve them. And to be sustained by like supplicating for magics that
would allow crops to grow. And to like maintain the
natural balance in this place. Because it was a natural through point for not just like magical, like diffusion into the world, but also like a thin space, a liminal place, that allows you to jump between planes. They controlled it for a long time. You see sort of later on, just via the like language shift, that dwarves came in, and like cheated them out of their tower. The Holtsangers had like a whole like war to like regain the Scarlet Citadel. And then, in this like last act of power, rather than letting
anyone have access to it, they sunk their entire Citadel, and sort of buried the
ley line underneath it. So it wasn't until a
recent surge of energy that allowed like magic to
be out in this world again. And yeah, that's what you know right away. - So it seems like the ley line is actually healthy again? It's been restored to... So the ley... So the Citadel coming back would re-fuck up the ley lines. - Yes. And that's what Gellert wants. - Gellert wants something
that would be harmful. And the last piece of this puzzle is seeing if he is aware
of how harmful it would be. But I think we are ready to
confront him, nevertheless. - Big brain thoughts over here. Oh, up here, I got wings now. What if we don't kill anyone, and instead just incapacitate him? - Counter offer. If he comes back, and we are already gone, and he does wanna pop
this little thing up, and has somebody else do it, and then everybody's sad again, then we are the bad guys. - You make an excellent point. Also, counterpoint,
totally different question. Hope it's not wrong of me to ask. I hope I'm not being too personal, but like, did you say engaged? - I feel like that can be discussed, at a later date. We're besties, but we're not like, yet. - Did your betrothed give you a ring? - What he did, (Becca and Freddy laugh) - I swear to god. I swear to god. I swear to god. If this goes where I
think it's about to go, I'm gonna lose it. (all laugh) - Well (laughing) I can't, I can't. - You have to.
- I can't. - You have to! - What he did, and she holds up her hand, and on her left hand you see, a ring holding, an uncut gem. He carved it from stone himself. He pulled it out of a cavern and set it. - He carved it?
- He carved it? - He carved it from stone?
- He carved it out of the stone, and it remained an uncut gem. - He can't give you what you really want. (all laugh) - There's still a chance, yeah. - I think that like Yahui
taps the side of their ear, and outside of the other metal ear, one of those rocks, that was performing Swan Lake earlier- - [Aabria] (laughing) Oh my god! - bounces around in their chest cavity. And when they open it, there's something blueish and glowing- - Ooh. - We know what it is. But only Yahui sees it, and keeps the secret inside. - I've just realized you have wings now, and I go, Paddles, go hide behind my head, and spread your wings out, so it looks like I have wings, too. (all laugh) - (sighing) Motherfucker. (all laugh) - Little tiny and red. - He slowly climbs up you, like a cat. - Tiny little imp wings up here. - They are tiny. - We've all got wings, that's the important thing. (all laugh) Thank you, friends of the Scarlet Citadel. Your oversight in this place has healed the world in
a very significant way. And perhaps that was not your aim, but it is your triumph, nonetheless. - We are just trying to live a life, and find our own purpose, you know? - Boy, do I? - Yes.
- Thank you for starting a problem and then fixing it. (all laugh) That's all you can really do, - Hey-
- you know? - That's what adventurers do. We showed up and we will
be fucking so lucky, to just break even. - (laughing) Yeah. Yeah. - But yeah, so we'll get
the fuck outta here now. - Yeah, you are led very
quickly through the, can we, is there a whole map? And we could just see all
the stuff they didn't do? - A whole map?
- Oh! - Yeah, so there was a bunch of stuff. - Whoa!
- What's that over there? These little witchy things? - [Brennan] Little buddies? - [Aabria] There's so many guys to kill. - [Mika] Oh my god! - [Aabria] You killed none of them. Let's go up- - [Brennan] Mushrooms.
- Upper right. Yeah, we're going in the corner. - [Mika] Oh my god! What is that demon?!
- Oh, wow! Oh, there's a little bedroom. - [Aabria] Yeah, there's
a lot of stuff here. - I realize- I used these maps for a
game like very recently, they're great maps. They're great.
- It's really good! - It's really great.
- Also I can't believe they used fucking diplomacy.
- Hey, by the way, this is super cool. Cobalt Press made a very cool module. We did none of it. But you should play the real version. - Why did they use diplomacy? - You get walked through up to the shrine- - Flying.
- in the corner. Oh, sorry, you are absolutely flying. Deputi is walking, holding Tiffin's hand. - Aww.
- Aww. - And you get led to this massive shrine. A multi handed beast, with like a bull's face, sort of staring down at you. And you see underneath one of the like long spindly hands, it's sort of reaching. The other ones are like holding weapons, or making interesting gestures that I won't do in case
they're gang signs, I don't know. But one of the hands-
- L-A. (all laugh) I saw it on a t-shirt at
the airport the other day. Sorry that was-
- Too spicy! - [Freddy] That was awesome. - But one of the hands is
reaching back into the wall. And you see that there is some stone, unlike the like dark orangey, red stone, that everything else has faded into. Can I get an arcana
check from you, Celeste? - Yeah. Minus one, so that's 11. - That's okay. This is a thing that resonates with the energy of home, to you.
- Oh. - This is a menhir, I don't think I said that right, it's fine. Just edit in the right
version of that word. Like a lith, that is used to transport
between spaces and places. You actually saw one of these-
(Mika gasps) Yes, under Elroon's hands. - Right! - As he got you the
fuck out of the Feywild. - Yeah, he made shimmer dust. - He made shimmer dust.
- He made shimmer dust. - And this thing is like that. So, you know, pretty immediately that like a minor, like just a light
interaction with this, just touching it, will transport you back up to the surface. But you could, if you so chose, concentrate your energy, and go somewhere else. - So she's trying to be a better person, because then maybe she'll
learn the end to her story, if she makes friends with the book club. So she turns to everybody and she says, okay guys, listen up. So if we like go over there, and we like touch that rock, we'll go back to the surface. But if we think like
really, really, really hard, we could go somewhere else. But, I'd feel like super, kind of bad, if we like didn't do the whole like murder the Gruesome dude thing. Because we kind of made like a promise. And like I pinky promised. But, maybe, we kill the guy, we don't get rid of the portal just yet. We come back, and then we touch that thing again, and go wherever we want, like a vacation. - I think what I'm hearing you say is, porque no los dos. - Porque no los dos. - Porque no los dos. - Does that kind of sound
like a plan, you guys? - Fuck yeah. - Fuck yeah! - Let's kill this dude. After confirming that he's bad. And then,
(all laugh) let's go through this portal. I don't even need to know
where the fuck it goes, all right? You know what our
organization is not called? Citizen Doctors With Borders. (all laugh)
All right? We go wherever the hell this thing leads. Let's go maybe kill Gellert! - Kill, maybe! If only we get definitive proof he's bad! Which hopefully he says right away! (all laugh) - You all go to touch this lith. Do you focus on going back to the town, or do you think of somewhere else? This is entirely within
your individual heads. I'm looking at you, my
little rich boy on the side. - I think Preston has no desire, other than going to
find and murk this bro. - Okay, respect. - Yeah, like I think he's
thinking about him so hard, that I want roll to see if I like teleport into the same space that he's in. And telefrag him
instantaneously in the shower. - I have to let you attempt that. - I'm trying to think really hard. Trying like remember all the
details from this person. - How about when we are in the ether, in between, in the lith, I pass the Gatling gun to my friend.
- You dismantle it from your hand? - I do. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay. - Friendship's more important. - Good call. Good call. You're gonna want that hand, for sure. (all laugh) - If you had a choice between
a Gatling gun and hand- - I know it feels like
you're backtracking. No, this is actually progress. (Freddy laughs) - I don't really have
skin to itch or scratch. I don't need hands, but- - That's your go-to thing that hands do? Is scratch itches? - Well yeah.
- Basically, that would probably be number one, yeah. - There is a wonderful world.
- Incredible. - The things that hands
can do are all around us! - Oh my god. - The most complex, simple - [Both] machine of them all! And these are pulleys and- - That's gotta be the granddaddy of all arcana checks. - I would like to give the help action! (all laugh) - I have arcana minus one.
- Sure, you see him like focusing so much, that like his little nose
is starting to bleed. - My god, you're doing it, you utilized the intersecting ley lines. It's teleportation. Try to upper cut right into his taint, in the moment of materializing! (all laugh) - That is a three. I'll burn my inspiration that I have. - Oh yeah, you already
had advantage on it. So go ahead and roll the second one, and then you can use your inspiration.
- Okay, 11. And now-
- Here's the one. This is the nat 20. You're gonna, you're gonna
teleport into his taint. (overlapping enthusiastic chatter) - [Becca and Mika] Into the taint, into the taint, into the taint! (Becca gasps)
- 19! - Ah, god, that's so close! - 19 minus one.
- But with minus one. - 19 minus one, oh shit, 18. - Oh!
- Look, on a natural 20, I would let you teleport into his body, and explode out. But I can give you a taint for a 19. (all laugh) (overlapping excited chatter)
- [Aabria] Easy and good. You reappear back in the world, just, hadook! You get a like a surprise round, against his gooch. - The gooch is unarmored. - Please make an attack roll. There's no armor there. - No, we generally, even in our world, they never- - There's no gooch armor.
- That's the most unexpected place to-
- Yeah. - Plus your pants wear real thin, too. - Your pants wear real thin there, too. - You're a halfling, he's a human. (overlapping chatter) - Also, he's a mage. Mages wear robes. I feel like he's probably like free balling it under there.
- Oh, god! - No way!
- Yeah. - You know, so that's just
like an exposed gooch. - I just need you to describe to me how you utterly destroy
Gellert the Gruesome, gooch first. - So I think that, so as we heard, when you hold the button down on this, it spins up, - Yes!
so this torsional force. A screw, if you will. - You're definitely
- catches into - screwing this guy.
- dangling bits. Now, here's the problem, as you know, if you ever, you know, throw pottery on the wheel, if you were to turn a lathe, you need tie your hair back. So the same thing happens
with a rotational energy, as it intersects with the loose, - Mm-hmm.
- hanging nodules, underneath there. And in an instant, essentially flay them outwards. - Don't forget to ask if he's bad! (all laugh) - I'm looking, and I go, like, I have ways of confirming that postmortem. (Aabria groans) - Then, the trigger is pulled. You just see from the top of his head. - Yes. - Just (imitates shooting) - Amazing.
- as brain matter comes out of his skull. You know, just sort of, splatters and paints a Pollock on the ceiling of wherever he is. - He's inside the ruined school going, how are we gonna finish the- (Aabria screams)
(all laugh) Amazing. - He was rebuilding the school?
- You don't know that. You don't know that. There's no way to know. - As we like appear here, and the gore is like raining down, I'm gonna turn to the kids and go, kids, death's a part of life. (all giggle) It's a part of life, it's natural. And you just saw a rich halfling gooch-strike this guy with a Gatling gun, and shoot the gooch out through the top of the skull. And that's actually beautiful. That's part of the life cycle. - How many times have
we said gooch tonight? - So many. - We did a switch from
taint over to gooch, part way through. - [Aabria] Yeah. - I feel it goes better
with Gellert the Gruesome. - [Aabria] Gellert the Goochsome. (all laugh) - Got a new nickname now. - This is like a regional thing, like soda versus pop, like gooch and taint. Anyways- - Is anybody taking notes on
this new novel way to die? - [Aabria] Amazing.
- Paddles! (all laugh) - Don't tell me how to live. I was writing from when, yeah. Schteven is in the back.
- Schteven! - He's got like watercolors out. He's been painting it.
- Schteven, I've had the most wonderful adventure. I've learned so many things. Number one, justice is
only for street justice, and by your own hand. I will suffer no consequences. I took no damage at any point. So I'm also invincible. I can do whatever I want. Death can be cured. Because we have, we killed
somebody but they came back, so death is meaningless. I can kill whoever I want. Regular people seem to
care very much about money, which we have a lot of. So I think I will live a great life from this point onward. - Did we just create Batman?
- From everything we learned. - Did we make Batman?
- This is a villain origin story.
- Yeah. - But also Batman. - [Aabria] Yeah, yeah. - Yahui, do I have your
permission to kill Deputi? - You know what? You certainly do, Doc. - Deputi. Let me get one more for the road. (Becca imitates creaking)
There it is, blam! (all laugh) And I'm gonna bonus action move my Hex to dead Gellert.
- Yes. - Cast Speak With Dead, give disadvantage on charisma checks. And then,
(Freddy laughs) and then I'm going to ask Paddles to give me advantage on an insight check. And I'm gonna say, Gellert, I call your spirit back to this plane. Were you bad? (all laugh) - Am I dead? - Yes, you are. But, you sent us into the tower. Did you want to bring
the Scarlet Citadel back to reassert dominance over
The Wandering Crow ley line? - I feel like I shouldn't
have to answer this. - Right, but just for, you know, just for our own edification. - Yeah, yeah. - You were gonna do it?
- Yeah, for sure. - Great.
- For sure. - Now, listen, the cool thing
about death in this universe is there's a whole bunch of afterlife. So you're definitely where
you were supposed to go. And it was a pleasure
doing business with you. And I'll disappear. - Amazing.
(all laugh) - What utter chaos. - [Aabria] What? - So that was the Scarlet Citadel, and- - That's exactly how it was always- (overlapping excited chatter) - Thank you so much for joining me, for another whatever this is, you guys are incredible. - Are we fired? - [Aabria] No!
- [Mika] I feel fired. - You're like double hired.
- Like, I feel fired. Like something about this just feels like the end. You know? - This is honestly like my favorite thing. Like, we got stuff done. - Did we?
- Collectively, yes. - Truly. - When people are like actual play is not what D&D is like. This is what they're talking about. (all laugh) This is what they're talking about. - We are the people Gary
Gygax warned us about. (all laugh) - Oh my god, can I have
that on a button? I feel- (adventurous music)
