Everything Wrong With Alien: Covenant In 16 Minutes Or Less

49 King seconds of logos opening a movie with a close-up of an eye cliche see also Apollo 13 contact lost Star Trek first contact and even Ridley Scott's own Blade Runner I am your father I assume Ridley Scott created this flashback scene as an apology to Guy Pearce for all that old man makeup he had to wear in prometheus why are the statues head and feet obscured it's either poor planning or the design over the room really wanted the focus to be on David's marbled marbles not selection dealer's choice man creates the most powerful artificial intelligence of all time and immediately uses it as an iPod shuffle mother takes nearly 30 seconds for the title of the goddamn movie to appear I'm all for building suspense but if you're gonna spend half a minute on something it better be at least visually interesting and not information we already know because it's printed on our freaking ticket reading also there are over seven years away from their destination which means any minute now Chris Pratt's gonna wake up and make a morally questionable decision why does Walter need a hoodie I'm assuming it doesn't get cold do ai's go through an Eminem stage see the real Slim Shady deploying energy recharge sales now I think it's great they brought back Fassbender for this role since he was the best part of hermie theist but if we're gonna change something in the new model to keep people from being disturbed well I changed just the accent to sound like he's from Venice Beach and is about to catch some sick waves bro damn this ship is cool I'm removing once in for this awesome kingship which is really awesome mother will track the energy sales really mother needs to be told this how can the AI in the synthetics exist to such an advanced degree but you can't put enough common-sense in a ship's AI to immediately retract the sails when mother dullard detects an oncoming storm the James Franco cameo in this movie is shorter than the one in dawn of the Planet of the Apes why can't they get this thing open again I know you're got to keep these crowd sleep chambers tighten all they have any specific tool for this and it doesn't work it's it's how he would have wanted to go Oh everything sure seems to be working just swimmingly on the ship that just sustained a systemic disaster I mean all Walter was shown doing is putting out a fire at the control panel James Franco was short on time so he just sent Ridley Scott some b-roll from the set of 127 hours also seriously why is even in this movie and don't tell me about the web short film prequel nonsense I didn't even do homework when I needed it to pass my college courses I'm certainly not doing it to better comprehend alien prequel nonsense live up to Jacob suit examples is mine example Jacob again alright the Franco flambe ya never knew it it was a random localized event sir there's no way to detect spontaneous telling flyers until it's too late and also convenient to the plot it just lost 47 colonists and our captain we need technology sergeant lope when dr. Manhattan literally acknowledged this like a minute ago also what they should be acknowledging is that they woke up seven years too early on this journey and there's no way they'd have enough food or utilities to last that long considering everyone was supposed to be in Crowley why the hell are these monitors running screen savers instead of displaying vital information that's easy to see how the hell does Daniels know this by tugging on one chain and she's way away from the tiny computer that actually gives the percentage maybe she's an Android they disobeyed a direct order she buried her husband actually no he shot his ass into space even though there should be like a million things to do to repair the ship before taking a shot of Jack and opening an airlock that said I can't get a handle on this guy does he really upset that they had a brief funeral for their dead captain how self-absorbed you have to be that your crew is going through real trauma and only you can think about is how it reflects on you and they don't trust me for the same reason the company didn't trust me to lead this mission because you can't be a person of faith and be counted on to make qualified rational decisions nevertheless the company did put you second in command which given the captain's tendency de camión showed a lot of trust I don't care if they have those little air booster thingies these [ __ ] go off for a space walk with no tethers whatsoever Jesus didn't they see gravity a rogue transmission most probably your helmet must have picked it up because you were so far out past our communication buffers communication buffers and that'd be an echo thank you mister miss took a lot of damage been happening every 46 seconds ever since we got here but I neglected to mention this incredibly specific detail until just now it's beyond your most optimistic projections for guy six how did we miss this I scan the entire sector this question will never be answered square in a habitable zone how far they said she's close a little jump a few weeks you know I said this in the aliens video space is really really big so the fact that these [ __ ] wake up right next to a habitable planet is such an impossibility it couldn't even be considered as a movie coincidence and how long is it gonna take to get to Oregon seven years four months I think it's safe to say that none of us are too keen on getting back into one of those pods at least for most of this movie's runtime at the end we'll be totally okay with it all so here's the problem with the movie her name is Daniels nothing else we don't know anything about her backstory other than she was married to the captain and she wants to build a cabin on a lake we don't even know her first name that's why this movie is much more Prometheus that it is alien oh listen to this witty banter between this couple that we barely know and that will surely die early in this movie no masks really I get that you know the air is breathable but maybe just a bit of precaution would be nice remember kids just because you can breathe something doesn't mean you should also not only other I know helmets everyone is required to wear these ridiculous looking hats what does the functionality of the earflaps damn it why did Maggie decide to land in the water when there's perfectly good land right next to the spot she chose signal source to say kilometers west which we could have easily flown to or at least over before we landed I have a still hand signal sergeant lope we're all right here we can hear you feel free to use your words and we might have a spot for our colony right here Aurum was immediately flying for premature celebration after this conversation Network stay with Corinne god dammit why must every alien movie have to devolve into we should split up shenanigans other than just start the xenomorph attacks you're an Alien movie not a teen slasher flick feel free to alien so what exactly is the outreach strategy for crew recruitment for these things are you the kind of person who's willing to sneak a smoke break on an unknown planet while paying zero attention to any alien plant life you might be trampling around you have we got a colonizing mission for you nobody has ears this clean I mean nobody I swear just the other day Indiana Jones came diving out of my ear canal the wax boulder that fell out was so big what is it about alien landscapes that make people wanna poke and put their faces in them I'm basically watching Prometheus again with the little couples retreat thrown in also something definitely sprayed out of there so allow me to not only keep my face in close proximity but also not even mention it to anyone else because I'm a space explorer dr. Elizabeth Shaw she was chief science officer of the prometheus ship that disappeared precisely 10 years ago um someone left the synthetic and exposition mode again oh sure sure let's give everyone a photographic cameo in this movie they get a light on this how does no one in this exploratory team have any kind of room illumination with them a flair anything just classic headlamps that coal miners have been using since the beginning of time why does this future not feel like the future I guess the tide came in over the last 20 seconds because when Maggie left the lander she was on dry land perhaps we could have included that in the curriculum for any human traveling on to another planet science first touchy touchy later does it still count as a deus ex machina if it's the vicious killer alien that's saved in a ridiculous coincidental moment either way I'm sitting that Three Stooges style plasma plummet look I know that's a quick little bastard this is pointing blank guess the Covenant crew all went to the esteemed stormtrooper school of aiming the Leo morph runs like he works for pythons Ministry of Silly Walks also what the hell man the Neo morph that came out of lead word immediately attacked Quran in the Med pod but this one just pieces out to find his buddies well there's nothing you can do there's nothing okay I don't think lope needs to be told this I mean love is strong at all but the man just saw his love give birth to a pointy rage baby so I think he knows what the score is how is it possible that the special effects in an alien movie in 2017 or at least 45% worse than the ones in 1979 even though this alien kicked Walters ass two seconds ago he'll slowly creep up on Daniels in a useless attempt to make the scene in suspense for sure it must be nice to hear a humanist voice on this planet and they don't have a lot of option but these [ __ ] blindly follow David with no information whatsoever other than the hundreds of horribly burned bodies that adorn his front yard also no one even thinks to say something to this dude was a long [ __ ] hike out here so that was plenty of time to say hey man what's your name or what's up with the [ __ ] dead bodies out here also cuz up with the fast benders and the hoodies in this movie does David really need to make his dramatic reveal later considering only Walter will recognize him the most nonsensical part of David being here besides being a literal day of sex mark and a few minutes ago is his Iggy Pop impression also does nobody recognize the resemblance between Walter and David I mean I know the crews scared no but no one even casually mentions that they're the exact same person is there a safe way to answer this is your first question for the human-like dude on a completely alien planet forced fast bonding it doesn't make sense suddenly it's apparent Daniels would be excellent cinemasins wait mom I know David has a flair for the dramatic but he's still looking Android right which means he could and should just give a straight King answer to this very simple question lucius malfoy here is totally alone instead of being constantly swarmed by the Covenant crew that definitely has millions of questions about the planet and the aliens David is able to give himself a perfect haircut using only garden shears and a blurry a smear watch me I'll do the fingering no way man the last time I heard this I got in a lot of trouble with the wife movie wastes runtime and movie magic in order to show us Michael Fassbender playing with himself oh yeah I remember Aurum said something about faith about 45 minutes ago so were you planning on developing that plotline metaphor theme at all no caught my watch mighty famous poet inadvertently writes the mission statement for cinemasins wait how is he sending down these virus vials telekinesis levitation I mean that's a Magneto's going on right there these movies ever explain the black liquid and why the engineers made it why couldn't this movie have been from David's perspective if you told me the answer to all these things is another movie I will know more myself through your skull movie thinks that surprises are better than the way better story they're refusing to tell boys sure glad David came up here to show the audience the flashback to the engineer apocalypse even though Walter just had to listen to him ramble through a poem have you ever dreamt about far-off worlds and thought I'd love to soak my open wounds in the water there without knowing the slightest bit about what's in it well sign up today for our next expedition and soak away rather than keeping the element of surprise and attacking her from behind this alien prefers to take his time and be a jump scaring dick also the digital effects in this movie are suddenly giving me a whole new appreciation of I am Legend no one hears this the bathroom isn't that far away mother they're in trouble you heard that you didn't leave us to be safe this is the Bulls bull the ball the Bulls in this movie the ship has 2,000 [ __ ] innocent colonists on it but this [ __ ] has such a dynamic boner for his dead wife that he's gonna put everyone in jeopardy one sin off for Fassbender's incredible performance here some of the most chilling stuff in the film heart and soul Trump's blood and guts every time Daniels makes Tennessee leave the pilot's chair in the middle of flying through in catastrophic geo storm just to tell him that his wife's dead have this movie come this is what I wanted to show you my successes yes yes please follow the creepy mad scientist robot dude down into a dark cave whatever could go wrong are they alive waiting ring what I don't know but I bet the best option is to walk right up on them and see what's up honestly by this point or imbeds this well I guess you gotta play the hits this ass David bioengineered these neo morphs to be completely subservient to only him directly from birth because all these usually do is look for something to kill and run away as soon as they're born first off David lifts this out for everyone to see second off isn't everyone rushing around trying to get to the extraction point but Walter is just wandering around the compound looking for existential clues about David's crossbreeding fetish character and movie plays the franchise's theme music as the movie crumbles in on its own spiraling self referential black hole such a disappointment to me with this pity one-liner after killing a fool Michael Fassbender officially submits his application to play James Bond ah that's the stuff it wouldn't be an alien movie if it didn't show some of that sweet milky Android juice going downstairs careful god damn it stop splitting up Tennessee is literally on the way to rescue them right now but everyone on the team split up as far as humanly possible before his arrival now that Daniels not hear any of that killing going on in the other room exactly so recite pretentious poetry to her until she begs to be experimented on just so you'll stop got it there's been a few updates since your day what's a fing n we get a late movie scene of superhuman entities repeatedly punching each other I guess at this point everyone's saying becomes let's just yell seven heaven Oh Dylan that is clearly beaten causes good guy to pause while reaching for a nearby hit and weapon cliche moody tries to hold out on showing us the winner of the ultimate fast kicking stone is in the air and knife being reached for and you cut away to set up a later surprise movie is a rock tease the motto of this crew is everyone left behind also wait I thought Tennessee said mother's saying those storms out last summer eight or nine hours and since then all they've done is get ready to leave and split up a bunch to explore which would not have taken eight to nine hours even so we've got perfect weather out here now also how the long does it take Tennessee to get here I know he's in a different Lander but took Maggie a matter of seconds to get to the planet's surface we're men to believe this is Walter and not David and he even has the same slash on the left side of his face but no one else from the crew saw / on his face besides David so he did that to himself solely for the audience okay we know the fight between Walter and David lasted right up until Daniel's and lope left the compound though that means David had time to change his hair color steal Walters clothes / himself in the face and lop his hand off before joining them which I mean come on movie thanks movie one last reminder that James Franco could have been in this screw you even look good geez Tennessee too soon man too soon please report to the medbay why mother there is an unidentified life-form on the ship mother essentially plays the pronoun game to get Daniels to go down to the mid Bay with zero clear what it's about be dead between X 3 & 4 Jesus this newborn xenomorph somehow knows the blueprints of this ship perfectly enough to go immediately to the naked people is this thing fully-grown already considering this as a legacy movie a fourth must have gotten a scholarship to the Prometheus school of backing away from things Walter where is it Daniels this way or you could wait for Walter to answer who would know the exact location a lot of things just happened there the alien was somehow trapped for a while in a truck they open a door to space and yet nothing was really sucked out the alien had such a killing boner that it looked back toward the ship and Daniels not only knew the exact time to duck so that the alien would be killed she avoided all that acid blood being spewed out of it and all of that is more believable to me than Danny McBride surviving this entire movie know also why did David posing as Walter go through all the trouble of helping them kill the alien on the ship only to then surprise surprise I'm evil all along you did you meet them for any reason he was able to command the ship with his own voice so he didn't even need Daniel's and definitely not Tennessee wait there was also time for David to swallow a couple of embryos before he left he must be desperate to make another one of these movies dick yeah take a look out of starboard oh my god it looks like a huge you know how to whistle don't you Steve you just put your lips together and hello you built these weapons to destroy us why [Music] because you are afraid of our gifts Oh Gert uh-huh okay I am your father where'd it come from appears to be a main-sequence star not like our own but all very old this forest is old very old as your second I need to protest officially oh wow spenders they've rejected have fun storming the castle think it'll like if it'd take a miracle

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: eww, movie, cinemasins, mistakes, alien covenant, alien, review, cinema sins, everything wrong with, wave jockey job

Id: uBGECC5U09Q

Length: 17min 3sec (1023 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 12 2017