Everything Wrong With Solo: A Star Wars Story

[Music] not having the yellow text opening crawl is the new black but still reading how omniscient are these opening titles supposed to be normally they're essentially biographical telling us about the status of the rebellion or the fine details of trade agreements and their impact on intergalactic legislation but it's telling us what's in the heart and mind of honking Sola I don't think even Han knows what's really in the heart and mind of Han Solo in this movie adding a Star Wars story to the end of this film's title is really infuriating like we need to know that Han Solo was part of the Star Wars universe or maybe they were concerned about being confused as a reboot for that be Mario Van Peebles cyborg movie Mario Van Peebles dice the dice that have been so goddamn important to all the movies up until now this is what five six hundred credits that's more than you said we'd need to buy our way out of the control so oh you guys are just reminding each other you both already know expositional aspiration exasperation lady Proxima is a prong basically he spends her time under water and only emerges in this dramatic fashion when business requires it I can totally see how she came to power in this almost entirely above land society premature celebration we'd get a little more of a head start yeah what's up with that dude left well after huh and it's not like they've been puttering along toward the airport not to mention he knew exactly where they were going sure it makes sense that they'd make a run for the launch pad but what if they decided to lay low for a few days so though a Tokyo Drift story Danya Wilhelm in there I'm almost positive I did so does that make it a home he'll a will hum at this point that I realized this has been a pretty low speed chase for the last minute or so I honestly haven't been this riveted since that scene in Mitchell so it's the Crimson doodle hop can happen love it character says he won't allow something to happen immediately before allowing that exact thing to happen cliche hon Paul mning the dice to the targaryen here a hundred percent foretells that she's coming back before the movie ends because I saw the last Jedi goddamnit also here's another sin for the last Jedi just because I can several things here first why wouldn't Moloch immediately check the line for the immigrants isn't that the only place Han and cure could get through to escape also there aren't even that many people here like a quick swing around this tiny terminal would easily turn up your fugitives I'm not saying that I'm rooting for Maalik to do this I'm just saying it's stupid that he didn't [Music] convenient recruitment center is massively convenient watch who you people I'm also Rolo solos mouthy scooch is all of the following a hilarious insult a Canadian name for a yappy dog a popular spicy Albanian Cola drink and the name of my new aren't rated ska revival band Cygnus soldier and kid you know I farted not since Tim Meadows and walk hard is someone sitting more enticing and phony you don't want any part of this line besides the introduction of Beckett what does any other bring to the table do we really need several scenes of war footage and strategy speeches I'll do whatever it takes to get back to Corelli I've already been away too long it's been three years though right if Homs this intent on going AWOL from the Empire is this movie telling me he really hasn't had a chance before now so up until now Chewie was just eating all his cellmates this dark little Ronny Howard dark han survives this also they make it sound like Chuy's a ravenous badass and of course we know he can rip a fools arms off if he wants so why I always playing with his food he hasn't eaten in three days han should be all the dead right now I guess it's kind of funny that Han already speaks wookie but it sure does create an easy escape for both of them that is uber convenient Wow good thing there are no troops around this imperial ship that is currently being held stolen nice cinnamon and all but does this is the first chance they've had to have this conversation they made it all the way to another planet and they just shared a shower together that's a perfect place to chat Chewbacca har-har-har this movie could've been great if you'd spent less time paying so much lip service to the film's that came before a nod here a [ __ ] there it gets to be obvious to the viewer and therefore less enjoyable you might as well have them turn to the camera and tell the audience you love me I know a whole future depends on this one school and you bring in amateurs gotta side with Val here why would Beckett bring in amateurs for their one final score this is like Danny Ocean bringing the actual Bruce Willis into their heist in Ocean's Twelve I waited a long time for a shot like this I'm not about to screw it you know I bet Hans palms are sweaty right now his knees must also be weak since he's sitting those arms definitely look heavy and what's that on his sweater mom spaghetti have you ever tried to disinvite a wookie to anything damn it Rio is one of the most fun characters in this movie and I'm sending the [ __ ] out of it for killing his ass way too early tell us about the girl Han is she nice sharp teeth man Jon Favreau is discount Steve Buscemi Inc so hard here I literally had to check IMDB three times to make certain it was Jon Favreau and not Steve Buscemi huh what do you know white men can jump why does it take three individuals to do this on the train they're essentially just tying some cables down but no one wants to help Val with a much more dangerous part of the mission I'm just saying if they didn't have Chewie and Han this would have probably got much smoother fuel what the hell there was no part of the plan the Becket laid out earlier that involved getting shot at by armed guards also if there is a security presence on this train why the hell are they all the way back there isn't this the most valuable compartment by far yeah go off I looked it up Chewie seven three and almost 112 kilograms which is Canadian for 250 pounds ain't no way Han is pulling him back on the train with one King Han the enemy soldiers have magnetic boots which given the amount of ROM planning woody and company did is something the high screws should all be wearing as well right on his first heist han has given an opportunity to prove his piloting skills what are the ping odds kid you're half a pilot thanks for telling me honestly nothing he's done so far look remotely complicated but thanks to your trained eye which I trust because you also are a pilot I now know he truly is a hell of a pilot she just killed herself so the score could carry on for money for her husband and his crew she didn't think her life was worth more than a score like everyone in the crew would rather have her live and they go on for another score down the road but not her it's not like her death is for the greater good or anything this is an attempt to steal for profit I'm sorry this death has no emotional weight for me because it makes no logical sense this movie suffers from a common cinema fliction these days last-second itis as though every bomb exploding train derails airplane crashing vehicle skidding toward a cliff as the wall that utterly requires being pushed to the very last second which it does not tension does not require razor edge margins of victory Galaxy Quest made fun of this garbage writing almost 20 years ago tin cup proof tense finales don't even require protagonist victory as though them pulling up the train car 200 yards sooner and us watching the rest of the cars fall to their deaths wouldn't have been as thrilling or interesting and on releases the payload anyway to aid their escape making Tandy's sacrifice even less meaningful than it already was and it started out of zero Jesus if you wanted woody to suffer loss and his lady to die in a heroic way I can think of a dozen better ways you could have written it we were hired by crimson dawn isn't that the group that hounds grooming write about in Time magazine for me it's worth the risk don't you this is the quickest I've seen a civilian fully commit to a life of crime since the amazing yen in Ocean's eleven in this movie's version of a rich crime lord space-yacht penthouse we have a singer with a bane pacifier and half a Shazam themed lazy susan on her head beside one of the more disgusting Ripley clone fails form Alien Resurrection plus thousands of sequence Paul Bettany now having appeared in Star Wars and Marvel movies is here by literally 30 percent owned by Disney I work here as I've said before space is really really big so what are the odds han and kira find each other on this pinata please someone with an advanced mathematics degree show me what the actual odds are this happening and if you come back with an interstellar type love answer I will pink scream at you well that is good news because you're going with him this is weird suddenly he doesn't trust someone so he sends Khaleesi on the mission even though he also doesn't fully trust her I know and I know just where to find him boy this is some geographical oddity isn't it not only did the heist occur on Vandor one and vas decided to bring his yacht to that planet there's also very famous smuggler with an incredibly fast ship on this same planet within walking distance charisma not to mention his prodigious get it it's not a [ __ ] joke thrown in the middle of a Star Wars movie because I think that was a [ __ ] joke thrown in the middle of a Star Wars movie all we need is his ship he'll never part with it he loves that ship is there literally only one ship in the entire universe they can use for this caper if so maybe the capers not worth the risk a freaking bad odds from where I sit the seat taken nobody's in the sink and I ain't taking fun wow this might apply for a poker game or at least this poker game but as a general life rule this is some terrible advice try this empty seats are claimable bull with the director's chair on a movie set or at the Masters or in Buckingham Palace also movie takes nearly an hour to land oh and that's definitely a sip anything han that's Han okay that's okay this attempt to wreak on Billy Dee Williams odd pronunciation of the name the original trilogy makes me super angry not everything we wondered about needs a king explanation god it's like modern movies want to stamp out human imagination rather than inspiring it oh great hands way too much footage of this alien poker game that ultimately means nothing since no one knows how it's played I'll see you mm and Oliver is splashing the pop and I'm calling with what my ship against your ship yeah but that's not how calling works Han put his chips into the pot which was on top of the 2000 dollar bet so if Lando calls with a ship it's to cover the chips that are on the table you move well making the Kessel run this movie makes the Kessel run sound famous but then immediately points out how impossible it is which means only a few could have even tried it making me wonder how I'd ever got famous other than the mention in the original trilogy of course I'm gonna need have to take you don't even know how much the take is though why speak in fractions before you even know the total haul in dollars or credits or whatever's is that a g-spot joke thrown in the middle of a Star Wars movie cuz I think that was a g-spot joke there on in the middle of a Star Wars movie and what if I don't elect to go to camp oh please don't start she said that and then he waited hundreds of steps until they were all the way outside on the ramp before he responded with don't start can Hollywood start coming up with less lazy transitions so dialog doesn't get used as sinew between unconnected shots I actually would have a memory wiped but she's got the best damn navigational database in the galaxy it seems like the Star Wars movies are littered with people that are the best damn something in the galaxy we've attached the homing beacon they won't elude us now yeah but they didn't elude you before either right you showed up to cut the train heist just in time also how did in festoon or kalaxian it's not like she was in the meeting with us and even if she saw han and Lando together there's no way she'd know for sure what they were up to and dad worked the line at the CC plan before he got laid off he'll tease someone thought han needed a personal connection to the Millennium Falcon so this dad got written and none of the smart people on this production managed to stop it before it got filmed and made the final cut but this guy doesn't look like Han or sound like Han but somehow he still feels like huh and that is enough it's kind of amazing I don't take a cinema well you guys tear up or get horny watching him passionately kissed some not Princess Leia woman I'd like to point out a more important issue which is that these rods have nothing to keep these hangers from sliding off someone really wanted the hangers to have unbroken circles at the top meaning we needed closet rods with open ends but then they stopped there and started logic in the face and kicked it into the fires of Mount Doom am i interrupting something I hear this move is called Mickey Knox blocking cocked we had a good thing going here me you Chewie Yeah right the makings of a solid crew you just had two other crew members killed in a failed heist [ __ ] assume everyone will betray you and you'll never be disappointed Jesus Christ can pick a telegraph he's gonna eventually turn on Han any harder during this trip you need anything equal rights l3s quest for droid citizenship is played for laughs here but we won't be laughing when the robots start asking for rights here in the real world you'll be screaming screaming at the latest horror film directed by a robot as we scarf down a popcorn made by a robot in a home theater made by robots while a robot version of my college girlfriend jerks off my robot feelings for me sometimes I think it works no seriously how the [ __ ] does that work god damn it movies dropping all kinds of odds sex references here with no follow-up simply because it thinks the idea is funny I want to see how that works do not improvise saying this to Han Solo in a movie named after him seems like wasted breath and time for everyone involved including me looking Dicer back yet or even squeezing Lando's Return of the Jedi helmet into this thing because do all the nostalgia after rogue one I'm not surprised but I am disappointed three double sure the droids are taking off their restraining bolts whatever those are how would that modify their programming they're probably grateful but once they're off they all turn into William Wallace of course the alienvault guard has an external set of sensitive sex organs in the exact same place as a human Jesus there are more crotchal references in this movie that I remembered you guys are not gonna believe what I'm seeing up here you better come take a look at this cliche Chewbacca ex machina Chewbacca so let's immediately start firing at this large supply of a highly unstable element l3 isn't gonna make it so Lando goes in and Lando isn't gonna make it so han goes in then han isn't gonna make it so a wookie goes in this is like the Russian nesting dolls of action scene writing I'm legit surprised Chewie didn't run into trouble and cause Khaleesi to have to come out here - what the hell those [ __ ] been this whole time oh I know he's sad we're supposed to be sad but I can't help but think dude you've a robot that's whack did you zakopane now watch Chewie die inside for the next few seconds and you can't make the Kessel run in less than 25 SEC's in parsecs are they distance are they time you don't know the entire Star Wars Canon doesn't know this old trial is out of order Attica Attica into the mouse room man - without all three possible we can download a brain into the Falcons navicomputer right could we theoretically yeah you got five seconds to test that theory you time-wasting arguing Dix also leave it to Han to basically break the Kessel run record by cheating he's the james t kirk of this particular Kessel Oishi Maru rationale on a KY line I don't know what that means I'm telling you I don't know what that means has become the cheap modern comedic equivalent of did I do that we need to divert auxiliary power to the rear deflector shield because we're now showing a Ron Han famously bragged about making in record time distance we're Rob here as viewers of the chance to feel any tension for like more than 10 [ __ ] minutes the characters feel tension but their paid actors I know he makes it and does so in record fashion so all these speed bumps along the way or just red herrings she's interfacing sponsorship now awesome so all that talk a few minutes ago about how difficult this would be it was [ __ ] alright let's took one cable in two seconds buckle in now fans as we follow Han again while he pilots the ship again away from a sudden ginormous space alien again again this movie has to new ideas and everything else is just a call back and homage or ripoff or an audience applause break this goes Han for some time this doesn't work he'll write a raging sin boner and now the movie subverted it by sacrifice oh that's the stuff this works just did the Kessel run in 12 parsecs great kid don't get cocky I hate you goddamnit this movie left no nostalgia stone unturned and it's offensive there were panels ripped off the [ __ ] Falcon when they were trying to fly it out of the gravity well but the movie saying emphasis aftermarket tracking thingamajig stayed on and kept working that entire time okay nest and her crew end up being the seeds of the rebellion which is a cool twist enough what was with all that threatening earlier in the movie they've literally tried to kill Becket before and did kill Rhea but now that Becket has the co axiom we're just gonna have a powwow really seems like they shoe horn this rebel storyline in here heart I need a drink bring them inside this bartender should be fired it's like three sips of alcohol you just spilled on the table you ass not this time I'm leaving hang on is he pretending to run like without the prophets or the co axiom when Han actually believed this why would Beckett even mention this he knows Hans coming up to see Voss and once the outcome to be certain death so I say anything at all unless you're just trying to cram another nostalgic storyline reference it's not like Han is just missing small signals of pending betrayal and scum and villainy this is right in his face oh I'm talking about my other associate can you come in and join us please don't I mean who the [ __ ] else was it gonna be and I'm also an entrepreneur I mean you of all people understand that a huge mistake what about this situation got Beckett all horned up to take the coaxial Evan before the subterfuge everyone was terrified of Dryden Voss and wouldn't cross it now we're perfectly fine stealing directly in front of him I might mind you even if Han weren't clouded by his boner shouldn't he get a few more details are they meeting at the refinery is she backing him up against Beckett where are they getting a ship I'm just saying a few more lines of dialogue would make this villain turn a little harder to predict Oh No it's Darth Maul between him the force ghost and Leia's Space Odyssey and last Jedi there goes my ability to get it up for any major characters death in this franchise Kira you've and I will be working much more closely from now on I don't know about that dude did you see the box office numbers for this thing I hope you're still paying attention because now I'm gonna tell you the most important movie takes a firm stance on whether or not Hahn is the type to shoot first you fold now you walk away with enough to get yourself your own little ship you call I'm gonna clean you out again movie does give us a little more Orlando which is always welcome but this ending feels more tacked on than the jiho sequence at the end of Slumdog Millionaire that kid said he heard about this very big gangster putting together a job yeah damn it we're cramming Java into this story too everything important in Hans life happened within a week you don't want no part of this what company do you none of your business company so crazy someplace else we're all stocked up here okay sometimes a lot of times I think I appreciate your eyes you're real straight-shooter it's no big deal yeah then why'd you do it that's why baby are you using my babies now

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,979,290

Keywords: solo: a star wars story, review, movie, cinema sins, everything wrong with, chewbacca, star wars, wave jockey job, eww, cinemasins, han solo, mistakes, a star wars story

Id: 4WoTyaXGV4s

Length: 18min 27sec (1107 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 25 2018