Everything Wrong WIth Pocahontas In 11 Minutes Or Less

[Music] Disney thinks they can sneak some narration pass me by singing it these seagulls flying overhead were drawn here because they have a keen sense of when history is being made also just to be clear there were three ships not just one the discovery the Godspeed and the Susan constant here's a guy who often has to tell people my eyes are up here fellas are you coming on this voice Joe how is this new information also who knew John Smith was a Dolce & Gabana model I love watching Disney history that's right I'm not about to let you boys have all the fun Mel Gibson using his patented Australian American accent for an English character here's the thing storms just don't creep up on ships sailors would be able to see you when they would be nearing a storm would prepare ya here they are scrambling with the sails mid storm even through these extreme winds these guys upon the mast are not falling to their deaths being able to hear that well from that far away in a massive storm also the smallest guy on the ship was able to stop this extremely heavy cannon from moving any further excessive swashbuckling also John Smith must also have the same rope burn resistant skin that kept Tarzan's hands and feet safe during his movie well here's an unholy bullsh that I don't even need to check the history books about John Smith Aquaman you can find long sailors at night on stormy seas using his telepathy powers and fish Twitter also since this voyage is happening in the winter I'm going to guess this movie ends right here with both of these guys dying of hypothermia is the villainous Governor John Radcliffe I could spot him anywhere with his trademark purple outfit and snobby pug dog just like in all the paintings starring orations huh this guy I'll need those witless peasants to dig up my gold governor Ratcliffe wasn't going to the New World for gold he was partnering with John Smith to remove Edward Wingfield from that you know what I'm just gonna add 10 cents for the loose interpretation of history throughout this movie leave the savages to me the native tribes were strong and were known for scalping people and John Smith thinks he can tackle an entire tribe or maybe two or three it's weird I could kicked out of all the parties I attend when I start any song this way John Smith pokes a liquor barrel for free-flowing booze but more than half the booze will be on deck by the time this is over I mean this is a colossal waste of on roughly translated these lyrics say another glorious day without European settlers back in 1607 corn fields were populated by nothing but beautiful women the only recognizable human moment in the entire film this everyone is Pocahontas she was a runway model who was highly adept at 20th century makeup a leap that should put her in the cliff-diving record books I wonder she and Smith hit it off they both have weird jumping powers also this giant leap off a cliff gives surface tension the finger the raccoon and hummingbird dead right this is working for me Oh Disney makes rodents of the night that eat our garbage cute and potentially encourages kids everywhere to want one as a pet come on flick Pocahontas has amazing dead bird finding skills that person's fist made a perfect bear paw print this movie is anti nipple for men and anti nose for the women now I've been having a very strange dream I think it's telling me somethings about to happen something exciting or something is terrible is a bunch of white men coming bringing war and disease one of the two I imagine that all this extra flit and Miko slapstick was added after the first screening of the film because they realized how boring all this is even the wild mountain stream must someday join the big river as the river cuts his path movie is finding any excuse to start singing when movie is wrong man her jump scare resistance is on point what is the fascination Disney has with all the wildlife in an area being attracted to the local princess and their songs I mean being kind and good is one thing being Doctor Dolittle is another they all survive this because kocoum doesn't have actual nipples his bare paws just look like giant nipples does everyone get to talk to the genius tree or only Pocahontas visit possible she ate some berries that she wasn't supposed to eat oh it free let's hear all about who invited these person Disney overload this fog is threatened by the street even though the only part of it that can move is its face seems to this spinning hours pointing you down your path grandmother willow was foolish and also carpenter ants your mother asked me the very same question what did you tell her to listen then she died with your heart well that settles it dad I talked to the willow down the river and it's sang to me to follow my heart so I'm not marrying Coco um based on deciduous tree advice fresh fruit flowers on months long sea voyage King James sees the gold these peasants on earth success will be mine at last this line rating killed five animators I've never seen anything like it they have coastlines and forests in England Thomas you got to get out of London more we didn't come all this way just to look at it we came all this way to get out funny that Disney decided not to talk about how John Smith was charged with mutiny on this trip but hey may need this guy to kill savages so I guess he was given a pass getting a better look disappearing gun and that's the story of how Pocahontas thought John Smith had a hot butt I can forgive John Smith for not wondering why this nocturnal animal is running around in the daytime because they aren't native to England but I'm definitely wondering it you got a friend back there is John used to this type of friendly animal very back home smoke movies that's the wrong flag the red X representing Ireland wouldn't be added until 1801 and there's no reason to make that mistake since they already used the right one for 1607 at the beginning of the movie this [ __ ] raccoon just found a tree that somehow hangs over the ship just so he can get into some high jinks and it makes me angry never trust a guy who can store eight shovels in his cape they've been here for two minutes in this irrigation system is already here it's and I don't one vine out of nowhere attached another this multi-tiered mountain of digging sailors looks inefficient for generally most purposes John can hold water in his hands long enough to properly examine an impossible reflection Luca Hannes is conveniently hot so John doesn't shoot her it's damn impressive that his matchlock musket was able to stay lit after hopping through that waterfall you don't understand a word I'm saying do you know people who speak different languages tend not to understand one another this is what happens when attractive people touch for the first time [Music] language barriers solved with WillowTree music magic Pocahontas and John Smith now create a swirling barrier of some sort that keeps all holy people out my name is Pocahontas did she just speak English even though she's never heard any live before now or am I just understanding her language suddenly or Disney just phone this movie it Ratcliff shoots one of these warriors and what appears to be his knee but he comes down grabbing his hamstring shot in the back of the leg with a magic curving bullet and then this guy decides I've got this gun how about I try beating him with it John Savage acceptance level has gone through the roof after a quick meeting with Pocahontas it is not widely known that hummingbirds are the [ __ ] blockers of the animal kingdom compass it tells you how to find your way when you get lost but it's alright I'll get another one in London there's no way I'll need it while I'm here we've improved the lives of savages all over the world citation needed let go no I'm not letting you leave even in a romantic whitewashed children's movie John Smith is basically history's biggest creep John Smith only gets minor round she's from this you think I'm an ignorant Savage you know you've done that when someone sings their argument to you mama bear does it repeatedly mom Pocahontas for stealing one of her cubs to show to a white dude she definitely hasn't fed it and that was the birth of the Cheshire Cat can you paint with all the colors of the wind that sounds nice but it's complete nonsense at least circle of life admitted that animals get eaten neither of their arms are severely gashed by these large birds of praise talents at leisure Pocahontas didn't feed Smith any mushrooms before this musical number because that would explain a lot movie thinks it can just throw Pride Rock into itself and it will be as good as Lion King jeez this song started off with Pocahontas saying you're an awful person but by the end of it they're almost kissing this is sending me mixed messages that will destroy my college years please don't leave I'm sorry huh usually my blond-haired blue-eyed trick works in these situations we shot ourselves an engine or maybe two or three John bristles from that song now because he knows Indians have the capability of being attractive dougie bone kara so what am i overlooking well Virginia's not on that map for one it's a goal they have it and they don't want us to take it from them why would the governor think the savages have any interest in gold moose in coastal Virginia jeez that's the heaviest biscuit ever made and if so flit is dead and to think we came all this way just to dig it up for gold go Pocahontas is unsure what gold is despite knowing fluent English and all its nuances through tree sorcery what was that I'm fairly certain now that this movie is just a giant John Smith drug trick it's amazing that John gets to experience all the wonders of the new world just because he befriended Pocahontas and is less terrible than all the other people he came with my bark is worse than my bite Hey else that's my job he has a good soul apparently an epic Burning Man experience with a hot girl cancels out a lifetime of murdering natives in the name of adventure these two guys quickly happened upon Smith even though he is deep in the forest I want to see him again wouldn't I want to see him again that's enough of the horny old willow tree is a sentence I never thought would need saying yet here we are Oh John I could have killed you not I mean like that you couldn't not a Thomas survived long enough to even make it to America he sucks at everything but this is their land said no colonists ever what do you see they had corn in England during this time right Pocahontas please you're my best friend I don't want you to get hurt this is why Disney heroes usually only have animal friends smart humans will try to talk you out of whatever dangerous heroes you're about to engage it what about them so small at first then look how they grow you see water ripples are a lot like telling your racist friends not to attack a group of people who aren't like that so they're the guy who's in love with John Smith and the guy who was in love with Pocahontas just happened to stumble on them making out at the same time my foot throws a whole bunch of guns to his men and they all miraculously catch one man-made smoke that looks like clowns clash into each other and create lightning good of the tribe to leave an easy path for Pocahontas so she can block this execution the story of Pocahontas saving Smith from execution came from John Smith himself John Smith also had a story about being bought as a slave and his master sent him as a present to his favorite Greek mistress Smith said that the mistress fell in love with him so let's just say we've got an unreliable narrator at best looks like John Smith's boner was caught between a rock and a hard place I love him father we sang and danced for a couple days that's the longest relationship I've ever been in invisible bullit and that's how the local native tribes were forced to give all their food to the inept settlement yet what pain I've had worse pain than this I heard that even in a cartoon Mel Gibson needed to suffer in the movie some way or else he wouldn't done this I thought she didn't like strangers I was gonna send this moment for John saying flit still thinks of him as a stranger after all this time but then I remembered a grown man is talking to a hummingbird and for some reason the dog is no longer an [ __ ] but the pain cuz it's free is she sending him magic from the forest I'll always love you now here's some leaves and nothing bad happened between Native Americans and colonists ever again of efficient left the bondage in your mood and stalls Guetta feat affair right here on for this damn right here what were you doing up there I'm just sitting up here thinking you know Oh mountains I love go Marin's just it's a piece of paper well I'm throwing it's the way one said I love you [Music] I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty Robert Frost said two roads diverged in a wood and I I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference if you listen they will guide you if you build it he will come you think you own whatever land you land on mega you can't claim as we live in five hundred million of us do you have a flag is there a kind of proposal I love you always have one are you close that one to you might suppose I ask you to marry me what would you say are you shrink from me why don't you say yes this isn't what I expected

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,379,088

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinema sins, disney, movie, review, pocahontas, cinemasins, eww, everything wrong with, mistakes, john smith

Id: WBUcj5FSA9M

Length: 12min 14sec (734 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 22 2016