Everything Wrong With Hellboy (2019) In Wasted Opportunity Minutes

[Music] the year is 5:17 ad how many movie start like this the year is blah blah blah and there's a crow eating something and everything is all dark and medieval how many of those movies were good man I haven't seen location subtitles this overbearing since Captain America Civil War King Arthur yes that King Arthur whatever your story needs to reach down deep and somehow trace its origins to King Arthur it's usually a terrible sign ask transformers too last night King Arthur he's played by her most trusted would deny him I'm sure I'm going to remember all these names they're throwing at me in the first minute and change seriously there won't be a test on this right because I'm gonna fail it and you better believe I give out potential tests since so he had her cut off into pieces each one locked in a separate task you hollywood owes about 60% of their plots to old warriors burying and evil it isn't dead this once I'd like to see someone burying an evil monster slapping their hands after a job well done and saying this is the futures problem now this seems like as good a time as any to point out that Milla Jovovich is a badass it seems like we're never gonna get a great sci-fi fantasy or action film with her in it which sucks I guess we'll have to be content with the silly ass Fifth Element and the so so first Resident Evil movie and trying to be happy about it only the words from a man of God may break this holy seal just in case a man of God needs to open several caskets of evil you know for research also too bad Merlin couldn't foresee that there would be a future where one could get ordained in about two minutes online I got this dad you know me I have a gentle touch I get the joke as unfunny as it might be but how did he answer the phone in the first place without destroying it though and we see later that he even breaks cellphones with his other hand which appears to be normal also the screen is still asking if he's going to accept the call or decline the call he's already accepted it and has been talking for some time so the only choice should be a red hang up button sit down here that's the end that's the vampires and you went silent about three weeks ago three weeks how has worries become a vampire and built up this large of a Lucha Libre following in just three weeks about this fools now a vampire you get that right all the drinks and pep talks in the world aren't bringing it back from that seems like a lot of the vampire tropes are here with the aversion across us but I'm wondering where did the wrestling enthusiasm come from who becomes a vampire and says become a luchador Jesus those wrestling ring posts of an impale in grade of 10 you can get away with anything in Mexico my father used to say shaming was the most important part of the day separated the gentlemen from the Philistines that's Philistine you different news yep if my face could talk it would disagree with you first off your face can talk it has a feature called the mouth second off if your face is what you're bringing up as evidence that you're not different the only thing I can think of is that you must be joking and if that's the case I don't get it sounds like something you'd say if someone was telling you that you're no different from everyone else and they've requested your assistance with a giant problem giants seems like Ian McShane just traded running a hotel in John wick for assassins running an agency for Monster Hunters he's playing both of these characters so similar and if we don't get a John wick Hellboy crossover in 2023 I'm going to be pissed I had the info on the location of meme way this whole time then why is she just choosing to do it out now she could have done this years ago and the BPRD might not even be an issue also how does she know where the pieces are did she learn which body part detection while in exile I know she's eating children's hand bones and that's disgusting and evil but her face was nowhere near her own hand then she just puts the hand down in the bowl still has all five fingers on it just like it did when we first saw it everything about this scene is a lie it's no concern of yours why don't we get to see the Beast during the scene is it going to be such a major life fulfilling surprise that will be glad this movie went on tantric on us I know I've already mentioned this but if you're gonna keep knocking me upside the head with these subtitles movie then I'm going to keep sending them let's just add ten cents for insanely large subtitles and move on alright you guys ever been in the Osiris Club in Jersey it's like this but just with strippers this joke was already made once you recall the cyrus club oh yeah dude and it wasn't funny then either really you guys are old pros is this why you need me to help you kill a giant yep clearly so you should know this is a setup take these guys out now and hop your hellish ass back to Colorado in turn you would be saving me from watching some terrible and pointless CGI Giants do battle with you but you won't do that and I'll have to suffer through an interesting giant fighting so in a way the true signaler there's a reason what's with the dramatic entrance where have you been this whole time on the stairway waiting for your cue well more tunes coming to an end Hellboy flashback he'll back flash boy they tons the infamous necromancer grigori rasputin you mean the Rasputin who died in 1916 well before World War two okay I finally see that we're not watching a documentary here I don't know how to lobster can just stand here out the open and not get shot since he's right in the middle of where all the remaining Nazis are but he seems pretty confident that he won't get killed showing that all you have to do to survive the situation is believe today in guys who just should have shot a guy instead of running up to him and trying to fight him we look into the 2019 remake of Hellboy where a guy who just should have shot a guy instead of running up to him and trying to fight him happens in this key scene your father never told you did he no he didn't but it's weird that you guys are telling him now all you did was hire him to kill some Giants and you're gonna betray up while the backstory why is it your place to tell it remember this backstory came with almost no prompting he just said it was weird how all these people stayed looking so young for so many years and that story isn't even related to the Hellboy origin story you know what I'm looking for where is he there's like an odd time to ask for a handy but you do you okay the Pigman here takes the tongue from the monk and puts it in his own mouth which gross but okay how does that even work how do you fool the supernatural and pig guy does a perfect month voice just by putting that dudes tongue in his mouth neglecting extremely important factors when it comes to proper mimicry I feel like this is so stupid wrong I have to add 30 cents for borrow we trick-or-treating or hunting Giants what I both and here we are longshadow so named because of his giant oh don't you have a cheaper motorcycle ISM that wouldn't be very sporting now would it well you upgraded your weapons so upgrading your modes of transportation wouldn't see him any less sporting from the director just wasn't my idea david harbors feelings about the direction of his character somehow makes its way into the script yeah it seems like a perfect spot for an ambush my thoughts exactly what I'm wondering now is why they waited so long they could have killed him in his sleep or pretty much anywhere while they were scouting the area for centuries um he brought this up very first thing when you brought him into the trophy room you said you needed him because there were three Giants if you thought your motives for bringing him out here might be suspicious and you're this incredulous that he believed it then maybe you should have come up with another boat story that was more believable even though it clearly worked seems like you would have done that when the first big sticker went in it but I'm no big sticker expert what about my hands your other hand what about your other arm there are three but since the dude lied to you about even needing your help wouldn't it also fit the Neal ideal about the number of Giants also somehow this giant snuck up on Hill boy without making one sound I didn't know Giants we're known for stout Hellboy is taking on three Giants after being stabbed electrocuted and nearly drowned it's as good a time as any to ask how powerful is Hellboy and what would actually kill him I know he's a demon from hell but really paint much of a picture of what his powers and abilities are other than must be whatever the movie says it is I guess I won't ask questions be a good little movie watcher I'm sorry I know you quoting Lewis Carroll when you can just say Alice or dead people I told you I never shot they're saying I should kill you while I have the chance it's weird to me the hell boys been wandering the earth for 70 plus years completely oblivious to his origin story after 70 plus years why does he pose a threat that people are only now making no that's my boy how the doctor broom find Hellboy here later he says that they were looking for him where the Giants were so he wasn't tracing his phone or something it means he somehow found out that someone in a van took him and took him here of all places no one hurts worse than being stabbed in the back being stabbed in the back that's interesting because you know what sucks worse than watching this movie watching this movie King Arthur himself took care of that monster I'm glad they're telling Hellboy what he needs to know but do we need here we saw everything they're talking about at the beginning of this movie um who's the psychic in this group again you're for real yelling at them for not being able to hear ghosts screaming sleepyhead the psychic you were telling us about clearly she wasn't psychic enough Gian from lost would be great at cinema sets MUA she has returned so while Syrus trying to kill me it apparently is the reason why he tried to kill it because if Nimoy finds the king which is supposed to be hella bored then it'll bring on the apocalypse problem for me is did the Osiris Club know she was alive before the pic man came in here and slaughtered everybody how could they know when they have tried to increase security here if they believed Hellboy was a threat before name when I was being brought back to life why didn't they invite him here to kill him sooner man was full darkness those who call the shadows home all rise again okay I'd appreciate a prophecy was smaller and more relatable stakes as what il boy but considering I've had to suffer through three Clash of the Titans eight Harry Potter six Lord of the Rings and hobbits three Chronicles of Narnia and dual previous hello boys in my lifetime I'm just consigned to prophecies always being as vague and bull is this this I have seen only then Oh so wait are you worried it'll kill him again this guy's trying to break open a box that's got a holy seal on it and I'm wondering why he didn't just keep that monk stone either that or this box doesn't really have a holy seal on it and in that case why doesn't it hints until he smashes the box himself I guess it wasn't really wholly sealed what kind of bull outfit we're King Arthur and Merlin to run back of the day students get well oh they're just met pretty sure replanting Eden is a third date activity at the earliest you know what's going on here so I strongly suggest you stop talking hellboy then proceeds to tell a story about the pig man and how he saved Alice from him when she was a baby but that has nothing to do with what's going on that story is mere exposition that explains why Hellboy knows Alice it doesn't have anything to do with why the gruha [ __ ] was here trying to find a witch's arm also it's yet another plot convenience that Hellboy saved Alice from this very guy 27 years ago they'll argue about destiny and but it's just the way the movie excuses all the nonsense that happens shoots the same book I can't explain it that's not my daughter what did this baby do to make you think she is how did you know to call Hellboy reading boxing velena the Hellboy Chronicles Nimoy is alive even dismembered then why do you need to chant anything you're just sewing her back together evil will take over the rest and you don't go anywhere last thing I need some freak wandering around scaring the locals but we've seen Hellboy around plenty of locals like at the bar at the beginning but no one seems to give it B's there I need some ID no I'm afraid this fish and chips place is a cover for a secret government hideout but it's so small how do the regulars here for the fish and chips not know something is up when people go in the back and never return people lie but numbers don't and from where I stand Hellboy doesn't add up but how low is a person sort of it's not a number so what you're saying just sounds more like full dialog that this movie thinks the smarter than it actually is make sure it's a kill shot these are the heart or the brain the heart it is Hellboy is brain is too small on target this [ __ ] just rambled on about how he was an actuary and he assessed risk and he believed in math so it was he for real when he says that he's only going to aim for the heart because of Hellboy's metaphorical lack of brains anymore then we make sure she doesn't come back for the sequel hey domestic gross of twenty one point nine million took care of so if he just touches his phone and it breaks then why on the hill wouldn't the elevator button be crushed after he punches it on that creepy house on top of a house model from hereditary came to life how many villains did this reboot need got the witch we got the Pigman we got the hag we got gin from lost the Osiris club the Giants the movie is bending over backwards to include them scary hag invites the true stick hoes out there at a park taking a little down blousing and as anyone who's jacked it to a Hellboy movie can attest this is a new low for the franchise if he was banished to another dimension how was she able to get Hellboy here he was on the elevator at the secret BPRD place and got here through some sort of magic but how does interdimensional magic from a banished hag work child this is the exact same scenario that happened when I visited my family for Thanksgiving why is this Boehner are you just not using yours anymore there's this falling out of the sky from nowhere thing happened so often that people just joke about it this movie assumes we know all the rules of the Hellboy Universe we wouldn't dare play the music here but it's welcome to my nightmare from Alice Cooper wow this is a spot-on use of the song and his music should lend itself well the movies for some reason it's mostly played and once like this Dark Shadows and Jason lips well that is definitely a sin all the while that we were hunting it in reality it was hunting us what we didn't know is that we were filming a reboot a predator it feels like if Alice hadn't stopped to take a rest the zombie attack would have never happened the attack was going to happen anyway it feels like the movie was just wasting time to set up a jump-scare moment and this makes me unreasonably angry considering King Arthur and many other people have known about what this tree holds if the Blood Queen was ever to return could know one thing to cut it down I want aa big baddie with all these powers needs an army cliche you know what it's not a cliche anymore it's a sleeping pill and we will make that day time whoa wait I mean they already have soap operas and dr. Phil but who doesn't need another good cry every now and then oh sorry you know David Harbor is quite good in this role and should deserve a sinner but it's such a waste of his talents it makes it even more annoying that is this good because we'll never get a chance to see him in this role again where'd you learn how to do that I don't know I've been able to do so much so no one is really gonna explain how they can do the things they do this movie should have been titled Hellboy they yada-yada chronicles I'm a Capricorn and this is one of those cheap lay to the back room type of lines that I guess will elicit laughs from a certain kind of person and you know who you are I'm going to add a sin for each person who laughed at this line so let me put this into the computer it says nobody we're gonna add zero sins for something that's clearly a sin we gave the sinned counter ironic parameters well can't I manually do it since when does a sin count at this yes master see this excites you that let's not see the terrible witch who's obviously beating Hellboy standing right next to him why would she run after and was so little awareness of course you're gonna get a thorn in the neck I'd be disappointed if he didn't of course there is and it gets the movie yet another excuse to go on yet another sidetracks movie should have been called Nimoy Segway Oh a they might have made the same amount of money go to Blackfin it's okay it's walking distance from here you can carry Alice the whole way high atop the cliffs as an old goat applause and by high atop the cliffs I mean sea level and in no way can you reach this path without taking a boat the magic of movies will place you on this path without any questions ask the ways treacherous and yet the way is not treacherous Hellboy is able to carry Alice all the way to the destination with absolutely no resistance I finally come to oh yay Merlin's back with 40 goddamn minutes left it's 40 minutes left of this movie and honestly I'm mostly guessing this is Merlin because I know all about what's actually transpiring in this movie I just know it sucks before misters nemetes work you kind of underestimate this witch she's evil incarnate I know even buried in this cave for thousands of years Merlin but that might be the most pointless thing said in this movie she worried about where that's going I get that Ben is supposed to be the [ __ ] military figure cliche but he keeps bringing up good points but asking good questions that no one will pay attention to her answer and it's more annoying every time it happens movies to regular pop culture phenom well nobody goes to see those movies because they kind of suck and one of them was directed by one of the three guys who did airplane directed ghosts all by himself we live in a deaf world none Walpurgis night 1574 she married that demon at 39 she was taken down to Hell where she delivered a soul so let me get this straight she married a demon one night dim and on that same night she delivered a baby if you go back to the part you can masturbate to you'll notice she's not pregnant which means for some of you sick bastards you can't masturbate to it just yet anyway I guess in the demon world babies go through a full gestation period in a night also Merlin's been buried in a cave since the 6th century or so where did he learn this history that spans over a thousand years some of his blood so he'll boys and Arthur don't give it that's in the comics that's dumb this is how you will destroy the blood queen yeah because Excalibur did such a bang-up job the first time movie is what could happen if Hellboy decided to turn evil sequences clearly throughout this movie should have taken he's riding a dragon with flaming Excalibur are you saying we don't want this to happen I mean London with their legendary big brother camera system didn't see Nimoy spreading the plague all around town maybe the news isn't allowed to talk about witchcraft yet but deep down everyone knows Hermione Granger did the casualties are expected to reach a hundred thousand within two hours with the British plague spreading to the EU but after brexit the plague will be unable to travel with the EU without proper documentation so many are expecting the plague to be held up by bureaucratic red tape we've got to go what's wrong the blood green just took out the BPRD so we gotta do now is walk from wherever this is back to Penta he'll take the helicopter to London walk to that fish shop right out to get the plague man yeah we're just gonna make ours look like seconds with a few quick edits despite massive hit the BPRD the Sloane TV something it's a signal at the most crucial point to tell a hellboy where he needs to go next sorry my back it's amazing we've gone from those fantastic Rick Baker effects in American Werewolf in London to this book where we don't even see much of the metamorphosis anymore and a human turns into a cheetah with very little fanfare Hellboy a giant bore man and a wear cheetah fighting this should be fought well it's not like that this [ __ ] keeps announcing what he's gonna do the Hellboy rather than just doing it Excalibur marketer I think how many spent their life searching for Isis soon what was the point of Merlin magically bringing the sword in the stone to Hellboy when they were in that cave earlier when the sword is readily available under st. Paul's Cathedral here to tell me that Merlin can summon the sword but he didn't know where it was he made a big deal out of how you used all his magic to summon it no boy was a dick for not taking it but he had to have known where it was located right Merlin knew thousands they used a history after his own time to tell Hellboy his parentage also I find it impossible to believe that Arthur's tomb is just sitting underneath mere tiles at a Cathedral and nobody ever found it when you die by the hands of Milla Jovovich you get a boner just before you die and you call that dead wood [Applause] no tons of people in London are still just walking around like a witch didn't start spreading a plague earlier it was all over the news but this dude and several other people are like I think Arctic Monkeys might be playing tonight what they got and go to the pub get a few points walk on over to the show city seemed less crowded today shrug so the hell boy holding Excalibur cause all these monsters to rise because if that's the case why would Merlin ever want him to hold it did he somehow not know that this isn't you a boy well it took an unconventional course to get here but this is still the real use inside there somewhere cliche sure no clue why he changed his mind nor does the movie bother to tell us but at this point sure so the demons are going back down to hell but what about that plague that named way set in motion earlier does that die when she dies oh you're the king of England now oh by the way there are hundreds of corpses outside but luck explaining that to the authorities while you make your king of England jokes oh I guess that means Abe will be around for the sequel sequel suppose you want to see the claw might be down for a movie about the lobster can we get your girls lanthum owes to directed that okay man I've never seen a movie set up so much that will never see the light of day even that disastrous mummy movie didn't set up this much I believe I'm still a member of this club nobody wants to buy your drugs here Louis no more weapon can harm me fortunately legendary Nazi hunter the lobster arrived hasta la vista baby she looks the same but I can't explain it that's not my daughter I get up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stoned and replaced with an exact replica call my roommate and I said come and look at this stuff it's on exact replica what do you think he said do I know you [Music] then what then we make sure she doesn't come back for the sequel then what then the world will keep on spinning and we'll have another cup of tea to take away everything and everyone ever no multibus I have repaired the feast for you the traveler choice for the rest of your ku stepping bastards beware of my claw Oh watch yourself it's not coal oh you hone monster pal you look in the mirror recently Scarface oh my trailer child 1 child I know what people taste like I know that babies taste best

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,673,548

Keywords: hellboy, reboot, david harbour, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, mistakes, review, wave jockey job, everything wrong with hellboy, eww hellboy, cinemasins hellboy, hellboy review, hellboy reaction, hellboy 2019, hell, boy, superhero, david harbour hellboy, movie review

Id: qV650HbH3co

Length: 21min 57sec (1317 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 09 2020