Everything Wrong With Hellboy In 16 Minutes Or Less

reading speaking of reading thanks for the page number that lets me know it's a totally real book about make-believe things what is it that makes a man a man narration by John Hurt is still narration combining science and black magic because black magic alone isn't good enough it all began in 1944 who he goes through the trouble of having John Hurt set the stage but omit it just enough narration so we need text with a date and location allowing it to hit three expositional cliches in the first minute well then slowly introduces a rosary so we know some spiritual is about to go down but they won't actually be useful to anyway there's nothing on this island with chiefin rocks ruins not rock the remains of Toronto may be built on an intersection of ley lines room uses this opportunity to explain why they're on the island instead of earlier during the planning phase of this mission also the Nazis are conducting magical experiments on a remote island you'd think they'd want to keep that a secret it looks like they unfurled the banner right away a freak in the gas mask car Cronan this world war ii general is unaware who hitler's top assassin is he's yeah this is less than I thought did anyone do any pre-planning before this mission or they just winging it at this point five years on a sachet god how much expositional yelling can we cram into this movie the Nazis discovered pokey stop technology seventy years earlier than everyone else I'll open a portal this guy explains what he's doing even though I forget let's just give these [ __ ] five sins for beating us over the head with so much exposition this guy pulls pins on two grenades but throws them one at a time there goes Baron von will home from the Nazi part of the family we don't talk about him even though evil c-3po is completely out of bullets and has no cover no one shoots at him giving him all the time he needs to show off his blade nunchucks nameless henchmen approach one of the time allowing them to be easily vanquished cliche so the portal pulls in a light fixture without affecting it at all then the faceless henchman gets sucked in and burns up on impact but now this guy is getting liquefied and pulled in a drop at a time it's fine if you want to suck people in a deep space but at least do it with some consistency the port has been open for too long something may have come through even though all of us were watching it and surrounding it while it was open and would have seen something come through or a Fe makes your ass butan also that hugh jackman looking [ __ ] is supposed to be Rasputin did they not have enough access to a photo of the real Rasputin old-time Baby Ruth product placement get me up thinking this guy was ready to [ __ ] go with that blanket it's a boy it's just a baby boy these characters have confused finding a demon creature in an old abandoned church with the baby being born I'm not sure how those two black soldiers got into this platoon considering the army didn't integrate until several years after World War two one full minute long title card Hellboy comic book based on the rumors of a real Hellboy based on the script of this movie which was adapted from the Hellboy comic book Moldavia doesn't exist anymore the western half is part of Romania and the eastern side is the Republic of Moldova that said the former principality of Moldavia had a pretty bitchin flag it's a shame this guide wasn't suspicious when they asked him how quickly he bleeds well you were there when the machine popped his eyes out right no matter really I'm just wondering how a thing that resurrects somebody somehow decides nah you lost your eyes can't give those back room Brunton home grows up to be Doc Brown lungs spine liver room has cancer basically everywhere but is still able to stand and move around and otherwise basically be fine even though they explained who this guy is ten seconds ago movie still felt the need to put his name at the bottom of the screen also why is a high ranking official for the FBI on a talk-show discussing this what's he going to do next dispute the findings of the Weekly World News waste management services no one is suspicious of a waste management services building that looks this nice especially in New Jersey hello I'm John Lee because of course he is everyone's late but to what consequence nothing instead of walking all the way to the counter like a normal person John decides to stop right on the thing that he doesn't know is an elevator turn the pages please if you don't mind this seems like an incredibly inefficient way to read waiting for someone to come along turn the page for you we find out later this guy can do basically fine outside water so if he wants to read a book so bad you should just get out of the damn swimming pool and even if he wants to stay in the pool can they not get an intern who laminate some pages isn't this what I pay taxes for John John T Myers Kansas City 76 Abe Sapien superpowers include breeding underwater sums form of telekinesis and expositional rambling April 14 1865 the day that Abraham Lincoln died Abe Lincoln died the morning of April 15th he was shot on the 14th Oh John gets grossed out by something he's been within no shadow for some time building his integrated museum into their Maxwell Smart style series of doors hallway that's six times a day he's got a thing for cats you'll be as nanny his keeper his best friend he never goes out unsupervised this guy plays the pronoun game six times even after he knows for a fact that John has no idea who he's talking about he never goes out unsupervised home they're already deep underground in a vault can they really not tell this kid what he's here to do I hate comic book was he saying there this whole time John didn't notice and the guard giving him all the instructions talked about him in the third person like an [ __ ] but he doesn't age like media he's barely out of his 20s but he's played by a 54 year old they have these for you even though he'll boy is in his early 30s he can still be influenced by candy stand what his horns he files them to fit in of all the flimsy things going on is by far the flimsiest he's a giant red Duke with the tail that is basically a demon slash government prisoner who the [ __ ] is he trying to fit in with the girl who spontaneously combusts a better explanation might be it's easier to put on shirts without giant horns on your head to cross the track oh sorry guys I thought I stumbled into a screen movie there for a second man knock me out I need to recollect my bearings here we're here at the go an alarm was triggered slow news day one sheet of glass between them enough story of my life Abe says this like he's in a terrarium most of the time but more often than not he's out walking around with everyone else by now for instance just left us red take the hint we don't take it's not digging its statue however was Hollow I'm reliquary not quite a reliquary is a container that a relic goes in hallow statue is referred to in the archeology community as a hollow statute perfect job for these babies made of myself where did you learn to make bullets toontown Abe's telekinesis occasionally needs to be aided by sticking his suction cuppy hand to a door behind this storm a dark entity EVOO ancient and hungry and easily contained by common doors hey stinky kitchens closed Hellboy wastes a lot of time I'm using himself with one-liners rather than just killing the dark evil ancient hungry entity entity's name is Samael the desolate one son of snare gah brother ape somehow can't translate the most important work for Hellboy before he does battle with this thing or just decides to cut himself off for fun or some fairly in this universe moderate shoves that would simply knock a large man back a bit send a very large demon creature halfway across the room since the holy water bullets didn't work Hellboy decides a paintball might be more effective hey crazy costumes huh ice cover kid hell fogger so now with people running in the streets nobody wants to slow down not one car I see people slowing down for birds for Christ's sake I'm fireproof you're not and yet 42 seconds ago you singed your finger on a hot horn I'm fireproof you're not and this monster is death proof did you forget that also is it the protocol of a super secret FBI funded program to just leave dead hellhounds on train tracks see if touching your hot horns hurt then why the actual does your fingers being on fire not hurt at all Dillon enjoys opera cliche you know most movies use the lower third location text to tell the audience where the characters are not described the set you bill unless there's a fictional city called abandoned subway area in the no longer existent country locker room now that this guy has glass marbleize is the movie saying he can see is the oh it's its tale don't worry everyone it's just a stale also Bud Light I'm still mad about Hellboy killing that monster that can come back to life and no one bothered to be concerned whether or not it came back to life or anything especially this guy I need to touch it to see do you because when we first saw you you were able to tell us everything about John just by looking at him and when you gave us all that info about the monster you were just touching the door of the room he was in professor they were here boys here Nixon Houdini Jimmy Hoffa whoa Jeffrey Tambor I got this but yeah he's right enough with the pointlessly cryptic pronoun game none of these guards are shooting him either because they've collectively been waiting for the opportunity to live out that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark or they're all questioning why as swords are so [ __ ] loud according to this flashback Rasputin is the one who gives this hell helm thing resurrection power so why did a breed that it already had resurrection powers for each one of you that falls to show her eyes didn't Hellboy kill that thing once and it just came back to life by itself then he killed it again and indeed we saw two after that but shouldn't there be forward by now also why do the bad guys go through all this trouble let's create a monster given resurrection powers and in the unlikely event it gets killed BAM two more baby I didn't they just take this pile of angel tears go back to headquarters resurrect this hellhound kill it and let it spawn several times to create an army also Abe sapiens powers are officially way too convenient at this point to be able to simply touch a sword and have a full HD professionally edited flashback of what happened in the museum human fasiq it's impossible to believe that Abe didn't know this already and I'm super confused about his powers does he have to touch people or things directly to get information or can he just sense it the movie says both things are true he couldn't figure out this guy was sick until now you've lost a lot of blood he has blood touched you five seconds laid three eggs okay this movie is formally trying to become the most confusing thing ever made now you're telling me this monster also lays multiple eggs that also will become future hellhounds it's already got the death creates two more spell on it you're telling me it reproduces normally too we can't risk it tomorrow you go back to the tracks with a group of agents tomorrow why tomorrow doesn't this feel like something that should be taken care of now fine those eggs destroy them when Broome said to John find those eggs John heard find some backstory on Liz Liz's clothes aren't burning off I see I can help we're basically halfway through the movie and you have done next to nothing so far what is your area of expertise he doesn't want me with him he'll boy asks a valid question that the movie doesn't have an answer for so they smash cut to the next scene using Hellboy's valid question to make it seem like he doesn't like John okay I'm not pure of heart yes you are so John is Broome's worthy successor not because he has immense knowledge of the occult or any real combat experience or is well-liked by all the abnormal creatures in the BPRD but because he's pure of heart you moving mom I'm saying Dionysus which one Pope st. Dionysus or st. Dionysus of Alexandria st. Dionysus of Paris Saint Dionysus the areopagus Saint Dionysus of India is Sam's tongue much shorter in water because we've seen him use his tongue successfully over much greater distances on dry land this guy is definitely going to be killed because his weapon has two charged fuel and load out of the resurrection didn't I kill you already Hellboy asks this even though he just said how that creature was the Hound of the Resurrection and they've talked about how it comes back to life the last time they ran into it trains and movies always arrive right when a fight occurs no one down here wants to run away from the two monsters fighting really man they can't miss that train no monster fight has ever made them late and they ain't starting now phone ex machina also now that Hellboy smashed this thing over the hellhound how's Nico supposed to get back to the Nebuchadnezzar why not just slide the box of kittens over to the group of people holding on to them while you fight is definitely worse than just leaving them where you found them I guess no one explained to help only that killing these things produces two more not important information I guess after stabbing clay approximately 15 times Cronin's blade and glove miraculously have no blood on them Hellboy decides to attack his boss with a hot water heater which is something I also learned you shouldn't do the hard way something I learned in therapy and depressed one rubber band I'm impatient too so they taught you when you have bad feelings to inflict small amounts of pain on yourself people who work closely with elbow I haven't been told about his escape yet and knowing his affection for Liz seems like they might be the first people to be called cream and sugar [ __ ] she takes it black two-and-a-half-hour movie wastes time exploring Hellboy's unfounded jealousy rap Hellboy clearly falls and misses the ledge but somehow didn't fall to the ground shagging ice we've been dealing with a lot of [ __ ] who know how to come back to life let's just leave their dead bodies lying around and hope they don't leave again also even though broom removed the unexplained electronics that kept Cronin alive he's able to wake up for some reason and put himself back together ah ah considering the distance Hellboy through that and the speed it was probably going this probably should have killed John also we're still watching John go on a date with Liz while Hellboy is mad about it movie proves that it's incredibly hard to look menacing while walking down a spiral staircase it's awfully nice of the New Jersey Times to write a cover story titled the apocalypse that would be positioned just so to make sure we understand what's going on hey guys we decided to drive out to where we thought you might be to give you the news of brooms death rather than just calling it rainy funeral and black umbrellas shot from overhead cliche also every [ __ ] at this funeral brought the same sized black umbrella to this thing they knew this funeral would be extra sad because the main character died and there would be heavy rain since Hellboy can't attend the funeral he stands on top of the funeral home where he can clearly be seen but no one sees him except for Liz I'm not much of a problem solver three decades I've only completed two sides why not use your magic front lobe that can see into the past and see what the Rubik's Cube factory worker did to mess it up then work in Reverse John walks out of the important mission meeting to watch Liz walk down the hall this coffin survives this no no this is good this is what the movie was missing a sassy sidekick also this dead guy that Hellboy brought back to life told him there was miles of tunnels underneath here but after that this bear has been totally worthless he doesn't know where to go so why did they even bother to haul him down here this actually works the people in this universe must be very slick Hellboy begins to levitate for a moment this is about where the door was when manning slid through which means it should be closed at this point unless the door immediately paused and only began moving again at this moment which would be very considerate of the door really Lefty did you cut yourself again or am I supposed to believe that's the cut from a moment ago because that cut clearly happened on the back of your hand hey hey what's wrong with you seriously all cronin manages to do in this situation is not kill anyone and break his own gramophone also why is there a rope hanging right over the trap that's supposed to kill people and one of the spikes come out after the victim probably already fell to the ground well you know feel that way about me you want to know that here Wow good question I don't even want to know it all red white whatever guys are all the same it sounds like a bad minions meme about housewives and wine couldn't they just hook Liz up with a bunch of grenades and just have her charge in here and blow all the monsters up she's like resistant to fire right where is she only resistant to her own fire that's a very specific fire resistant hit me earlier in the movie Liz said she was beginning to control her powers yet here she needs to be slapped around a little in order to get her flame on also I thought small instant measured amounts of sharp pain were supposed to calm her down I'm legitimately asking is she always wearing fireproof clothes that seems expensive she was so desperate to get the flame going a moment ago but now she's moseying like those creatures aren't currently killing Hellboy in fact he's resistant to fire so they could have won this a long time ago but they needed the dramatics of Liz doing a Jean Grey impression only Jean survives this thank you for this not only did John survive but so do those grenades he can break through extremely thick stone walls but these normal sized chains are just too much your stone implant what did you think it was made for smashing things lighting on fire weird masturbation ah no let me get this straight some [ __ ] built a portal to another dimension that would release some sort of badass apocalyptic creature but only during an eclipse but first it required Rasputin to open this gate in the beginning of the movie and somehow give birth to Hellboy who would then one day grow big enough to use his arm as a key I mean that is one convoluted prophecy complete with convoluted carpentry and witchcraft aboot John is now suddenly able to slip free from his restraints does Hellboy saying his real name apply to everyone's restraints remember who you are the real you is inside there somewhere cliche did John just use the Force to get those rosary beads to Hellboy even though the monster was halfway through the portal he just disappears when it closes instead of getting chopped in half or something - lets go maybe you should handle that situation let's quit coming out of the evil dude seems like a pretty big loose end apocalyptic monster merely tosses hella boy like a tennis ball instead of just going ahead and killing him already on his clothes fireproof - what are the rules you what is it that makes a man a man is it his origins the way things start sure that napur testicles JP Prewitt the world's greatest my welcome to the desert of the real it's over 9000 look at the size of that Whammer he's got a huge talent yes last night I actually had a dream my flower sack was abducted and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail out there there's a world outside of Yonkers way out there beyond this hidden town Barnaby Alim um the daddy Klaatu Barada let's go respira man you got what you deserved he's alive I'm [ __ ] alive

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,369,132

Keywords: cinema sins, review, hell boy, hellboy review, wave jockey job, movie, eww, sins, hellboy, everything wrong with, mistakes, cinemasins

Id: DM2mp6Iu21Q

Length: 17min 47sec (1067 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 16 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

Wait, why the hell would Rasputin work with the Nazis in the first place?!

[u/Ryutohara]

Jokes on you, I've watched BOTH Hellboy movies! AND I loved them!

[u/MysteryJediTheatre3K]

Is there a third movie coming out? They usually review franchises when new instalments are released.

[u/koera]

What was the singing at 16:45 from again?

[u/1Glitch0]

Wow, Hellboy has a lot of sins I never noticed before. Kinda changed my opinion on the movie a bit.