Everything Wrong With Dune (1984) In 18 Minutes Or Less

[Music] a beginning is a very delicate time live narration know then that it is the year ten thousand one ninety one might as well be the year twenty six thousand three hundred ninety two that sounds so far away but i'm not much for year measuring contests in this time the most precious substance in the universe is the spice melange the melange spice was important in this time exposition goes on for all the sometimes also i would like to send george lucas for using scrolling words instead of virginia madsen to introduce all the star wars movies the spacing guild and its navigators the spacing guild well i guess it was inevitable after 8 000 years the human race valued some spice over creativity oh yes i forgot to tell you no you didn't you're about to tell us forgetting would be if you showed up a half an hour late after we all sign off from this galactic google hangouts you're using who have long held a prophecy it can't be a sci-fi fantasy film if you don't have a prophecy also known as june roll that spicy credit melange music composed and performed by toto a secret report within the guild movie exchanges virginia matson with an expositional computer that continues the ongoing narration and expects us not to notice oh my god what kind of do you have to be to enter someone's house with the train from snowpiercer is there somebody cleaning the floor over here before the meeting takes place or is that a metal detector what is the meaning of this this could have already been next to the intercom when the doors open but instead made a grand entrance on top of another already grand entrance to waste everybody's time i have ordered house of tradies to occupy a ruckus to mine the spice thus replacing their enemies the hot cones the semper guy tells us everything we need to know to get the story moving definitely didn't need the computer exposition just before this and probably didn't even need virginia madison's narration at the beginning why not start here in case you confused it with planet kaladan home of house party 3. paul runs through the encyclopedia atreides for even more exposition i'm wondering why is there a yellow grid that gets overlaid on his screen do you get educated about the plot while you learn about the rule of thirds oh no paul you can't switch to the porn with your back to the door you need to turn the tablet around and remember always have one hand on the zipper mood's a thing for cattle and love play ew two geometric shapes that look like tars if they were made by an apple ii start fighting editors could you blur this out for a bit while i figure out this is appropriate did we blur all the other times we thought they were fighting god i hope youtube doesn't have an algorithm that looks at two geometric shapes writing on a floor and they put it under their people category a weirding module like as in a machine that weirds the fighter machine seems like a pretty intense way to train those weapons coming out of it look legit and i know they want paul to get stronger and become a better fighter but they don't want him to die in a training exercise do they put some nerve tips on that i'll miss the sea even after the events of das boat dune there's a planet i will kill you dream of the blue turtles no man has ever been tested with the box well that may be so in the year 68 seven but i personally remember three friends who got tested by the box several times during their college days and that led them straight to the clinic jessica you were told to bear only daughters to the atreides she gave birth to paul about 25 years ago how long have you been holding on to that criticism an atreides daughter could have been wed to a harkonnen heir we may lose both bloodlines now is there some sort of arcane childbirth law in this world like once she gave birth to a boy did that end all possibilities of having more babies and giving birth to a daughter oh this is very important so important i'm just going to walk away now without giving you further instruction or assistance because i am clearly a terrible mother i mean i had the audacity to have a son in a world with various fantastic creatures pogs still somehow exist nothing says doom like a pug i'm here and this is a totally normal way to enter a room i should warn you if we're playing stiff as a board later i'm going to dominate you'll feel an itching bear now the itching becomes burning this movie has done nothing to sway me from thinking this is the kind of box you don't stick a penis in i must not fear fear is the mind killer what does fear have to do with physical pain fear would have been a factor if you had the choice to put your hand in the box you were being forced to do this so shouldn't you be saying pain is the mind killer i must not pain there is a place terrifying to us to women ghostbusters fan conventions here at the 420 planet the statue of the longest exhale was erected to memorialize the epicenter of bong hits it is by will alone i set my mind in motion it is by the juice of safu that thoughts acquire speed then shapiro the plan to crush the atreides fade rebon go quietly look i know brad dorf is a great actor you know brad dorf is a great actor this movie however has no clue that brad dorf is a great actor no other great house of the land's drive must ever know of the emperor's aid to the baron if he's telling these two guys to go quietly so that nobody knows that the emperor helped then why is the emperor sending five legions of his terror troops to help out wouldn't that be a huge giveaway i won't tell you who the traitor is i won't tell you who the traitor is because we want it to be a surprise even though everybody already knows it's admiral al from quantum leap i don't understand anything i just saw in the last minute flying showering in greece killing the flower ranger i know david lynch puts these exact things in all of his films i mean who could forget this exact sequence with richard farnsworth in the straight story i just want to know what it all means okay mr lynch this is just a crude mock-up of the kinds of effects we can do we'll fill in other stuff later we just wanted you to see a bare-bones idea of what we can do print it but mr lynch we have an i said print it so in the scene we get to see how the space travel supposedly works except we don't because it's a bunch of stuff we don't understand shot close up i could have done without seeing any of this and it would have been fine let's make sure we get every single step down these stairs it's not like we're 42 minutes into the movie and nothing has happened glad that's not the case house atreides took control of arrakis 63 standard days into the year 10 0191 now i need to know what qualifies as a standard day are there other types of days that you have to account for are there unconventional days wacky days this is so that humans can understand that this means a little over two months you've really thrown a monkey wrench into this by adding standard to it sir we've bound and removed another sabotage device i think it'll go up now sir i'm sure this would be thrilling if i had any clue why there were sabotage devices planted in the first place i guess i should have read the book first reading house shield activating how does this qualify as a shield in a world where aircraft are flown as commonly as we drive cars how is this any kind of protection the reclaimed water circulates to catch pockets from which you can drink drinking water that has been reclaimed from the body and dumped into a suit pocket flying through the shield when you can fly above it why is this shield dust cloud ahead siren they didn't make him captain of the enterprise for nothing folks the carry all will come and lift off the spice harvester why does this very important spice mining operation have to rely on a transport to get out of there just in case a worm attacks why wouldn't the transport already be there why wouldn't you turn the spice harvester into a transport you can't tell me that the entire universe runs on spice and then tell me they can't figure out an easier way to escape especially if worm sightings are this common we're gonna be heavy sire sounds like something that's going to be important doesn't it it isn't spice pure unrefined spice but which one are you smelling ginger scary baby i bet it's ginger yeah it's definitely ginger spice wait glory holes can't get me if i don't move it's too dark in here for you to see clearly not pictured a dark room who is operating that thing the more important question is why does this movie need so much inner thoughts narration some of it is fine but the sum that isn't is telling us stuff we already know the character is thinking here it even sort of breaks what could be a really tense scene [Music] the technology in this film is absurd the very idea that you can make a silent robot assassin like this and somehow trick it by not moving is ridiculous it's what have killed me i was a target he went to the motion why are you shaking your head doesn't that mean it would have killed her hell you even said so earlier when your brain was talking to us i could shout for help but it would kill whoever opened the door and with this shielding we are impenetrable just a minute ago the cesso was worried about how they kept finding sabotage devices around the shield too easily suggesting that those were easy to find because they might be a diversion so why is he so sure the shields are good now normally these would be my inner thoughts but i decided to say this out loud even though you are sleeping and taking a risk you don't sleep well jessica what is wrong forgive me my beloved concubine the thin red doon you were already dead but you'll get close to the baron before you die you'll be tied and drugged but you can still attack yui's plan is to get the almost dead duke in front of the baron so the duke has a chance to kill him and this is a terrible plan trojan horse doesn't work if there is no one else in the trojan horse and the trojan horse is on the verge of death is he holding the god damn pug he's holding the goddamn pug i want to spit once on your head spinning on someone's head without explicit consent i wish this was paul that's a really weird way to say stuart copeland but point taken i knew yui's wife i was the one who broke his imperial conditioning why is everyone in a particularly shary mood during this attack who cares why does she need to know this what are your orders does this actor have an awesome agent or something did you need to give him an extra line why can't we just go straight to brad dorf giving this guy orders instead of him asking first the worms will destroy the evidence their bodies must never be found and i'm going to give you some odd hand signals that don't match what i'm saying even though you are not hard of hearing because this movie is bonkers what's the point of this armor if a knife can smash the glass and kill someone so easily now i'm wondering why more people aren't using this tron armor during this attack why would you go into battle without it it literally stabbed this traitor in the back symbolizing obviousness you're his son he's left us still suits good thing that worked out so nicely what lady jessica remained unconscious the entire trip or just didn't see the symbols those are very small symbols a poisoned late hmm i wonder what since videos would be like if they could read my thoughts probably not a good idea shouldn't at least one of the duke's teeth be broken or missing after he cracked the poison tooth and sprayed that poison everywhere the second moon movie is 17 paul observing and thinking out loud about his observations why why do they want me killed why are we seeing this vagina dentata while we're hearing paul's voice this movie quit giving two about logic quickly glad we understand the climate limitations on arrakis better bud what the does that have to do with anything you carry my unborn sister in your womb spying on your mother's womb we have to get to that mountain of rock who says that why wouldn't you just say we have to get to that mountain or we have to get to those rocks i'll plant this thumper that should divert it it doesn't which is kind of weird actually even if he and his mom up run into the rock it should do something to divert the worm right remember walk without rhythm and we won't attract the worm oh is that all we have to do good thing i know how to walk on air what's really going to help me out the worm attacks in slow motion when the main character is in its sights paul falls for what seems like exactly 13 seconds hitting rocks on the way down and he not only survives this he doesn't even break any bones his suit is way more awesome than we were told earlier what happened why did it leak someone started another thumper yeah but the worm didn't go after your thumper at all why did that one work and not yours ah suddenly and early i am johnny daughter of liet that probably means something to somebody but not anybody who's watching this movie you have strength figures he's the one who ran away and his mom did all the dirty work now that everything's cool paul is the one they admire paul's eyes are not blue here even though they were in the previous shot i'm more curious why they would have been blue in the first place he's had very little exposure to the spice so they shouldn't change colors yet either way these are eyes are lies what do you call the mouth shadow in the second moon we call that one more deep this name comes from something that is so specific that it's ridiculous i would have removed all the sins if the freeman called that mouth shadow little and your mother shall be a saudina among us it means equal work for less pay we shall change the face of arrakis this proclamation deserves the weakest horn we can find thank you cecil steamy sting stands stairs and stretches stupendously stripped and stacked lovely fate am i reading into this correctly not the baron the only outwardly gay character is supposed to represent evil and that's not a coincidence and isn't that pretty guys i know this will come as a shock but i no longer have any idea what's going on am i the one so far you've already gone through a pain test that no man has ever passed and you can see things people don't you knew that your followers would call you muadeeb even though you didn't know that's what they called the mouth shadow on the second moon i don't know what you need to confirm this question but can someone please confirm it so i don't have to hear it again by milking this this smooth little cat body you receive your antidote guys we did it we found the most random evil task ever assigned in a movie stilgar your leader has asked me and my mother to teach you the weirding way to crush the harkonnens it's also amazing how this movie set up the feminists this race of people who don't give their loyalty freely or quickly but 10 minutes ago paul and his mom were about to be taken prisoner and now he's addressing their entire army and already has a steady girlfriend cut it movie has time for this doing a weirding way demonstration in an enclosed space my name is a killing word it's the name of the fremen gabe to the mouth shadow on the second moon why would it have any violent connotations it's awesome that paul was able to call a sand worm but why didn't the worm attack it's acting like it wants to be ridden this shot these people are running all over the place making all kinds of noise so why aren't there more sand worms showing up i don't even see the sand worm that paul mounted in the previous scene so what was the point of that when the spice law stops all eyes will turn to arrakis the baron and the emperor himself will be forced to deal with us we know we know we were there at the meeting when you said this jesus who is this it's a fair question but how did any of robin's men even know the name paul was using was paul on the battlefield shouting i am wadi over and over i think i saw this show in vegas once it definitely could have used more sand in the two standard years that followed two years haven't they not won already paul's sister alia matured at a frightening rate but luckily she was imprinted by jacob and she was able to save the human race after her father sent her a message through the tesseract bookshelf choosing to have a quiet moment amongst friends with sand blowing in your eyes and explosions and fighting happening all around you hug when you get back to the shelter it's the first rule of combat or at least it should be that's why they want me killed they're afraid i'll take the water of life once again paul gets a vision when the movie is ready to reveal part of its plot rather than just having the vision earlier since the guild is probably constantly talking about the plot to kill him the fact that he's been destroying spice mining operations for two years makes this just now revelation even dumber i will love you forever you are my life sounds awesome would it maybe be nice to see at least a few scenes of these two evolving as a couple so this scene could actually mean something the worm is the spice the spice is the worm oh there is a place terrifying to us to women this is the place they cannot look why is the water of life so gender biased i mean sure it's killed every man before paul but why is it giving powers to women but really waiting for a man to see the really exclusive [Laughter] a storm is coming a storm is coming cliche our storm and when it arrives it will shake the universe i'd give all the sins back if al pacino walked out and started talking about the three minutes they have for the biggest battle of their professional lives and then offered everyone jambalaya uh mr charles should we position the spaceships in this scene surprise me sand moving sand moving sand moving excitement bring in that floating fat man the baron floating fat man shaming my brother is coming with many framing warriors god i hate this kid what kind of machine will have these insanely bright lights shining back at you while you're trying to aim and shoot jesus christ even in 1984 and shot by a name director this battle scene is impossible to follow i guess the good guys are winning well that's what all this vomit on the screen means i've seen these fighters say esa and cha and of course what deep but what's the goddamn difference if what deeb is a killing word then why use anything else now come to me why did you have to wait to attack the baron until paul told her to if the nipple ripping had come sooner would that have in any way affected their plan i will one day be in mr holland's opus oh yeah hey remember when it looked like sting was going to be a big part of the plan and instead the emperor gave the duties to a guy who played bluto in the robin williams popeye movie yeah that was like seven hours ago and his word shall carry death eternal thank you person who has never spoken before i'm gonna go with steve was ever mcgill not available on this day of filming if fade wishes he can meet you with my blade in his hand whoa whoa guys this is no time for a threesome because we are food for worms lads you

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Id: juPo40dSJhk

Length: 18min 2sec (1082 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 19 2021