Everything Wrong With Wonka in 19 Minutes or Less

[Music] land the thinking that using the Melody from Pure Imagination to stroke my gen stalgia tillia would keep me from noticing you spent 50 seconds exposing your four different logos a ship on the sea a man singing a song I'm having Prince Eric flashback so hard I have expect to see a woolly dog and a stalking mermaid despite not putting any singing in the previews the movie starts immediately with a song the amount of people who immediately turned and said why the fck is the kid from love the Cooper singing right now is certainly worth a Sit okay but why is this guy in the engine room just holding Wonka's coat like that's part of his job description and who threw his suitcase to him is this kid so loved that everyone on the ship covets holding his belongings this kid spends precious coins on a map that shows restaurants he cannot afford to eat in my pumpkin you pay for it our pumpkins in France made of eggshell and filled with lamama beans and raspberry jam what the f is up with this pumpkin carage jering on a staircase covered in ice and snow like you have zero regard for your coxics okay but on the positive side that gutter water somehow appears to be clean enough to drink out of not promoting that your movie stars aing shape shifting Dragon this movie had all its best features by this time tomorrow you'll be frozen solid the dude just pulled a boiling pot of hot chocolate out of his hat of holding sir I think he will be just fine welcome to scrub it and bleach as guest ass in laundry so if your names are scrubb it and bleacher does that just Doom you to a life of running a laundromat or the movies just think they can name characters whatever they want I mean I had a dentist named Dr fear but he didn't have a partner named Dr drillin so I think my point still stands that's for my stew in here somewhere storing your dirty handkerchief chain in the same hat as your stew carrots I understand the movie wants me to know without a doubt that scrub it and bleacher are villains but murderous villains what could they gain from killing a kid off the street even if Wonka read the contract that wouldn't immediately mean they their operations were ending noodle oh noodle me trying to find the actual chalain amongst the ludicrous amounts of cabbage that Panda Express ads somehow makes it into the script Here We Go Mama that is a chocolate bar William my name is willly wonk and I have come to show you a marvelous morsel an Incredible Edible an unable reminding me that I should have probably had my own Incredible Edible to actually enjoy this Insanity each of the three chocolate villains somehow both hear what's going on in the street and just happen to be in their office so they can all simultaneously come to the window for their big introductions in this song Wonka Rhymes chocolate with sockets and pockets and I just like to say I find that to be a crocet and this whole song can eat a bag of everyone is really impressed with this chocolate floating magical stuff is Magic normal in this world why is no one screaming about this being an act of the devil well who wants to try one the song This total stranger sang described a bug that laid an egg inside chocolate and no one seems to remember that they are all far too happy to eat this thing it's not just chocolate is it there marshmallow Okay but when will someone describe the taste of the small bugs egg bursting squish intestines into the mouth like a burst egg yolk with tiny half formed Spike legs and caramel salted you salt with sweet freaks have been poisoning food since my buddy Tommy tethers dipped a french fry in his Wendy's frosty after our little league game in 1987 and now I can't bite into a piece of chocolate without making sure it hasn't been dipped in ocean water first you monsters Fu them boys equipping your police force with floating people hooks as if that's something you regularly have to deal with also none of these officers were carrying these sticks walking in but as soon as they cut to the rear shot they all have one I've looked over this bill and it's this laundry section that confuses me most it appears as if you are charging for each item but you list five items of clothing and only have four itemized lines and I refuse to believe that these money grubbers wouldn't have added a cost for each item considering they are literally charging per sock also I find it hard to believe they actually had any time to do any laundry in the first place or would even want to when they can just charge whatever the hell they want for various Sundries anyway not only that but underwear underwear whose English accents would be saying pants and you know it and speaking of pants why didn't you list his trousers anywhere charged for the vest and jacket but didn't take the time to throw on some extra cost for his leg bags and finally and most importantly no one should have handwriting this perfect no one and I'm Chuckles worth and I'm done with this movie one moment of stupidity followed by endless regret hey that's how my YouTube channel started movie never explains why this laundromat has this much business and is completely run on slave labor but its owner still appear to be living in squalor when this movie is a classic 30 years from now I'm guessing it's the laundry Montage song that people will remember most told you to read the small prep Merchants with a bad case of the toldos I focus my studies almost exclusively on chocolate and sale don't forget about all that time surviving on the ocean or did chocolate magically get you through the seven years on the Seven Seas everything else I've relied on the kindness of strangers Moochers the greedy beat the needy every time Mr Wonka the movie will eventually pretend that this isn't true I have a selection of the world's finest ingredients right here in my travel Factory that is apparently somehow battery powered and yes I know it does all sorts of magical things but my phone in 2024 won't last more than 6 hours so I'm a bit distracted by the magical Chocolate Factory in a box that has built-in mood lighting like it was designed by a twitch streamer with too much time on their hands helps you see that faint Ray of Hope beyond the shadow of Despair that sounds disgusting lived on the river just the two of us if the movie is about to give us a backstory to the nightmare inducing boat ride from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory they can go right on and off down baruka garbage shoot nothing will make that okay evering worms on a goddamn carcass and that pic capitated chicken Jesus got to call my counselor now for f sake having a built-in flashback position device in your magic powered chocolate suitcase also who even took these pictures and did they know they were creating a flip book it's like this movie doesn't even care about existing in the real world is that all it is just a dream oh oh I see what's happening here we are either already inside of Wonka's daydreaming or he and his mother got sick and died and this movie is his brain's final Tail Spin fantasy before death now the magic makes sense every good thing in this world started with a dream skip I'll be right there beside you I think you promise parent promises to be alive and positively influence the child's life only to die before that becomes possible thereby creating a Perpetual cycle of trauma cliche my mom wants promised when I share chocolate with the world she'd be right there beside me breaking your promises oh I know the silly loopholes the movie will play at the end to make this promise come true but didn't Wonka already share his chocolate with those people he made float don't try an out loophole me movie your loophole has a hole in its center it's not a loophole at all but a smaller loop with its own hole and your Loop is not hole at all here Trav why would anyone eat anything coming out of a strange guy's wooden crate outfitted with sketchy paraphernalia and a super sad dead parent slideshow then how would you like to have all the the chocolate you can eat every day for the rest of your life all the children watching are excited by this Prospect and anyone with a brain is thinking about poor nutrition and stomach aches ask me again but this time include a THC version and I'll probably change my mind it's a great idea but it'll never work of course it will getat your chocolate so the chocolate Willie gave her is sparking a silver lining idea in her mind about how to get him out of here and if that's the case then Wonka basically drugged noodles for his own game and is he the villain in the story now so the one time she dropped a ERS when this Aristocrat came to the laundry it was disgusting scene does not contain the late great Gilbert godfried explaining exactly how disgusting this Aristocrat was I got an idea is it to go back in time and return the chocolate you just stole from noodle you bastard temptation is very hard to resist movie takes 30 minutes to officially Rowan ainson racketeering invoices you get your goddamn green shoes off the soapa you hysterical Heathen that is leather why am I singing probably because you want me to be frustrated that this movie doesn't exist in the shadon extended Universe she'll be be thankful for an ankle yes and pleased to see your knees right but if you want to make her sigh tell me show her some thigh if he doesn't explain what to do if I want her to know my species and genus Wonka is delightfully unaware in some ways and an absolute wreck of a human in others clearly the ladder is in use you dick this automated laundry machine in no way gives these clothes long enough to be clean or dry I'm now fully convinced Wonka is the charlatan I always knew him to be can't believe it worked Fair Point noodles this works they're not going to just walk in there and milk it funny that's the same thing my college girlfriend told me when we went to a dairy farm stop making everything dirty you perves a single chocolate that perfectly mimics a night on the town if I gave a sin every time Wonka has a convenient chocolate to De ex chocolate himself into or out of a situation I'd probably have to give about 7 cents which I am doing right now that's the thing about flamingos they need someone to show them the way that is not in any case the thing about flamingos showing hairy female mammal nipples in your PG kids movie good evening Miss um Abigail and what if it were a male giraffe movie what then would your custard filed chocolates contain a very male protein mixture this giraffe enclosure somehow contains no giraffe toys giraffe food giraffe water or most notably giraffe poop you want to give it a go noodle WKA means for noodle to scritchy scratch the chin of the giraffe but is also here to milk the giraffe and You' think that he'd be more specific about what noodle is meant to do so she doesn't grab a tee without proper training nothing Rhymes in noodle denying the existence of doodle of a feudal poodle canoodling with a strudel don't you judge me doesn't matter oh go on exchanging any form of conversation and direct eye contact while milking a goddamn giraffe your hands are on its teeth man focus on the task ahead and let's wrap up this extremely odd memory that we all share now we don't have long until that guard comes tole noodle sure but is the front guard going to leave his post to go check each of the animal enclosures is it just one overnight security guy in this zoodle noodle just so we're keeping track here Wonka is not okay with stealing milk but a massive cluster of balloons is just fine got it move on also stealing some balloons just so you can defy the laws of physics and piss off aredes and the zoo balloon Merchant who for some reason left an entire batch of inflated helium balloons out in the cold overnight all in one swoop I guess the flamingos were inspired to fly away because of two humans and balloons and that is dumb also it's pretty clear that these two death Wishy children are traveling via strained arm socket and helium all the way to the dome in the distance how did they manage to make it all the way there without floating too low or sailing too high no one cares but me apparently okay maybe you care too we snarks have to stick together you can sit by me and watch the rest of the movie if you are quiet to be clear I can talk you can okay don't reply that would break my rule and do not crunch your popcorn so loudly Chief you know that fell you wanted a word with I just happened to see him so we could move the plot along peace Bo I got a message for you pal did he just break solid ice with Walker's face how's his nose not gushing blood but that's not the point this is the point not now Larry look Abus Larry is just offering a comedic take on what you said by taking it literally and figing obliviousness to what you really meant it's called comedy if you don't think it's funny fine but lay off the guy a bit okay Justice for CA sense I mean Justice for Larry and why do you smell a giraffe knowing what a giraffe smells like the only way in is down a secret elevator and P the Mistress of the keys I'm sorry am I supposed to believe all this blueprints position was in the Crooked accounting books why all this detail when you're just trying to chocolate fudge the numbers it's an a your first letter I'm teaching you to read teaching someone to read a letter at a time via zipline will you marry me I don't know Colin a Colin and Barbara might not get married but also who the are Colin and Barbara and why am I meeting them an hour into this movie also these two actors appeared in the same TV show and different seasons your task is to identify that show which Seasons they were in figure out the difference between the two numbers find a word with that many letters that sums up this movie and then be the first to post that word in the comments fastest time wins your time begins now Wonka is now Distributing untested Pharmaceutical I Les that make you grow hair gain confidence and dance like you're in a Broadway show and I do not believe I'm overreacting when I say this man should be arrested and executed immediately real quick let me just add that Wonka is also okay with stealing various outfits to blend in with the community while he makes everyone an addict but again stealing milk is a big no no to be fair this chart was the moment it had 13 days of data on a document meant to measure a calendar month basing a lifelong commitment on the effects of a specially prepared Bean there are a lot of kicking people in this scene and it makes me think about all the talented people out there unlike these two and that makes me wonder if this day on set they just casually mentioned to the two waiter extras that they'd be in a dance number and no one bother to find out if they had Rhythm or experience this woman could listen to her ankles she's dancing so high this guy pulled all of his groin out for this kick this guy gets a pass he's old but these two totally out of rhythm and just hopping around like it doesn't matter this man cannot have children anymore and these two can't be bothered to do more than hop ah sudden Hugh Grant is an abomination of God and all that is Holy during this OA loopa song Luffy will bend over and fart with the smoke coming out of his OA hole transitioning the scene to Exposition and sometimes I'm really glad 4D theaters never really caught on and other things this movie will not answer why does Wonka carry a cane sometimes but other times not why is one cocoa bean soing huge I mean it looks like a Coco pod to me but whatever you know that shop the one you've been dreaming of purchasing someone's dream shop before they do we'll all be free as free as flamingos I swear to [ __ ] God if I see this as some sort of bumper sticker designed to inspire people to fearlessly fly out of their situation after seeing a human lift off with balloons I will I'll I'll release my own bumper sticker that will say I send flamingos flamingos but it's going to cost you a lot more chocolate this whole police chief eats a bunch of chocolate and gets very fat and oh isn't it funny when fat people fall down and can't fit through doors and Sh story line is very very bad here we go Mama B lurman Wonka Elvis choosing Mr Carson on a bicycle is the preferred energy source for your fancy candy shop clouds are made of cotton candy and not chocolate what is this eating the store components and drinking milk from the giant chocolate cow sounds like fun on day one at wonkers but by day 37 I'm highly doubting there are enough guidelines in existence that would keep this entire place from being one big bowl of chocolate leria and don't forget to eat your basket are you also giving instructions on how to wash the melting chocolate out of his wool coat because it seems like everyone in the store will need some tips and tricks for laundry nobody eat the flowers uh why not despite everyone arriving at different times and eating different things the entire store comes down with Dr susi's hair at the precise moment when the movie needs its third act crisis it appears that the chocolates have been poisoned poisoned poisoned I Am with You patrons poisoned that seems extreme altered temporarily enhanced or maybe even tampered with would be better but poisoned should be saved for moments when everyone here may die and maybe they will but the movie does not show us the body count so pick a Lane Moving are we killing children or not this is what you get from the staching my daughter yep because murdering a store full of strangers after they cause you to grow facial hair is a normal reaction every good thing in this world started with a dream and most of the bad things too I'm just saying social media was someone's dream and agent orange and the Nintendo Virtual Boy checking out always yeah was it the forlorn apologetic singing I was doing while wandering the Frozen bridges of France that gave it away kill it kill it with fire look where stugor shook my hand his ring left a mark on your [ __ ] Palm how do you leave a ring impression on someone's Palm while shaking hands was slugworth wearing the ring on his palm run that back okay he conspicuously takes his glove off has his ring toward the middle of his pinky and turned inward all in an attempt to try and sell this [ __ ] plot clue and it still barely looks like it's even pressing against the side of Wonka's right hand the side is not the Palm even with all the work you did to try and get this convenient reveal you charlatans this is to keep you here my friend Mr slugworth doesn't think nasty little urchins like you should be out on the streets lowering in the town Olivia Coleman could doing anything what a beast they keep that ledger in a vault guarded by a corrupt cleric and 500 chocaholic monks all of these idiots are precariously perched on the piss poor Pine of the pigeon poopy pen to Pander over plans to Prevail against the persistent perpetrators get down from there and talk in the streets like civilized people Mr cocoa bean also movie takes another hour to Rowan ainson after waiting 30 minutes to officially Rowan ainson in the first place movie doesn't know how to Rowan ainson correctly I need Su it's an emergency putting through to the escaped animal department now but he never said it was an escaped animal ly are you trying to ruin everything movie Cuts away before I get to see how they navigate these stairs with their giant giraffe box nothing about this Flamingo Fiasco seems to be on purpose so the movie is telling me that the flamingos aided in saving the day all on their own iend flamingos just all that's down here is just a bunch of stupid old chocolate plot convenient temper tantrums that went to the oh for sake School of aiming at things so air to the family fortune or so I thought but 9 months later expositing your villainous backstory for no reason whatsoever even though you aren't in a Bond movie what are we going to do wiie if Noodle and Wonka Strange Brew themselves out of the situation by eating all the chocolate I'm giving back all the SS putting a glass Skylight in your hidden chocolate murder chamber deep breath now forcing me to spend the next scenes holding my breath because I want to see if I could survive this particular scenario honestly this one isn't too bad but holding your breath in the abyss when they swim to the next hatch that sucked so here's another sin for reminding me about my limited lung capacity car drunk hey noodle when in the time between escaping certain death and turning in the three chocolateers did they have time to work out the plan and signal for this Cuda how did they even know all the chocolate would be pumped down there or that it's connected to this why the hell are the secret chocolate pipes connected to the water fountain this [ __ ] who just casually erases Wonka's ghost mom a will sharing old chocolate from his pocket that is so sweet who cares it was recently soaked by water and chocolate and probably so so so much sweat this is the chocolate made by a dead Mother's Hands for her sad orphan child with magical candy Powers eat up while you SOB you bastards you found my mom yep and they waited until after the part where you could have died to tell you about it because friendship I'm going to share my chocolate with the world I'm going to need more than a shop I'm also going to need some slave labor you in thinking you hadn't humiliated him enough during the movie so you gave him the job of introducing your credit character epilogues that you should have just put in the damn movie A you guys made me eat standard form of contract don't talk to me about contracts Wonka I use them myself they're strictly for suckers tastes like like strawberries Lisa Fredick Louisa go Marco good evening so you're the funny little man who's been following me oh that would be see I was just hoping we could have a cozy little drink together they are ready to put 150 Grand in my pocket good for me that it's bad for you Mr not is there any of this route with authority to treat with me and if I'm correct noodle to be in grave danger well come on Wonka spit it out produce your owl pellet of wisdom there's no time I got to get back we have to go back Kate and you take them d off you you peasant cyy I love you Ry

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 442,303

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, wonka, timothee chalamet, chocolate, willy wonka, musical

Id: GRb_88tG8JQ

Length: 19min 45sec (1185 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 02 2024