(creaking) (creaking) (creaking) (cabinets creaks open) (rustling) (rustling) (rustling) (rustling) (rustling) (beeping) (microwave whirring) (creaking) (popcorn popping) (popcorn popping) (popcorn popping) (popcorn popping) (rips) - Ben, what are you doing? - Shhh, be quiet. You're trying to sleep. Shush, don't be quiet. - [Narrator] Every insomniac ever. (sighs) (dramatic music) (dramatic music) (sighs) (dramatic music) (grunting) (sighs) (grunting) - Come on! (sighs) (groaning) (groaning) (clock ticking) (snoring) (alarm clock beeping) - I just slept for 15 minutes. Yes! - [Narrator] Ugh. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Oh, well I'll put the phone down by 11 then I could still get
a good night's rest. Okay it's past 11 but
I'm still not tired yet so I'll just stop at 12. That's still a good amount
of time to sleep. Yeah. Okay I'm almost done with this article. Ooh what's that? (upbeat music) Ohh that's spicy. Okay done with that Twitter argument, what time is it? Oh my God! (sighs) I might as well just
stay up the whole night. I'll do better tomorrow. - [Narrator] Every, oh,
what time is it, ever? (quirky music) (quirky music) (sighs) (quirky music) (quirky music) - Well if I'm gonna be awake, I might as well just like clean
my apartment or something. (vacuuming) (birds chirping) (yawns) (dramatic music) (dramatic music) I gotta stop taking Ambien. - [Narrator] What is sleep? (bedtime music) (dramatic music) - Oh (beep) I forgot to call Jack today! Oh God, he's gonna think I'm such a flake! Am I a flake? (scoffs) I left Sarah's ninth birthday party early, but it wasn't my fault I threw up! Was it my fault? - [Narrator] Yes, I've tried melatonin. - I just have the hardest
time sleeping at night and I don't know what it is. It's unexplainable. Anyways, I'm gonna talk to you later. I'm gonna take a nap. (snores) Oh, whoa. I just slept for two hours, that's crazy! (yawns) Still tired though, I'm
gonna go back to sleep. (snores) (crickets chirping) Why can't I sleep! - [Narrator] Oh great, I have to wake up in three hours, yay! (dramatic music) - Oh, no. You're not real. - Well it's true that I may be a collection of clothes and shadows in the corner of your room. Do you really wanna take that chance? (groans) Yeah that's right, hide under your sheets, you little sissy. - [Narrator] I just wanna sleep. (bedtime music) (dramatic music) - There are still orcas
living in captivity and nobody even cares. It's so sad! Can I foster an orca? - [Narrator] Staring at my
ceiling for hours is fun. - Ah, warm milk. This oughta do the trick. (groaning) How could I forget I'm lactose intolerant? (sobbing) - [Narrator] My only
dream is to have dreams. (sighs) - Listen, I know it's really
difficult for you right now to not be catching any dreams, but I'm doing my best, okay? I'm sorry. (sad music) Wow I really need friends. - [Narrator] Ah, I'm
finally going to sleep and it's time to wake up. - Sorry I'm so out of it, guys. I got like two hours of sleep. - You're so lucky. I barely slept an hour. (scoffs) - You actually slept? Lucky. I would kill for a half hour of sleep. I didn't even get any last night. - Oh, you guys think I meant last night? I've only gotten two hours of sleep this entire week! - Yeah well I've been awake for probably like 80 hours at this point, straight. - Huh, you think that's cool? All the owls in my neighborhood have swarmed around my apartment to seek my wisdom on how to be awake during the night. - [Narrator] Freddy Krueger
is better than this. (bedtime music) - I should check my ex's Instagram. (dramatic music) (dramatic music) He went to Joshua Tree? With her? - [Narrator] How come I only fall asleep when I have to read an important textbook? (gasps) - I just had an amazing idea! Oh yeah! Yeah! Yes! Oh my God I'm so smart. I'm gonna wake up in the morning and think I'm so awesome! Nice! (birds chirping) (inhales) (groans) Cats, but with more legs. I'm gonna be fucking rich. - [Narrator] Mmm, what time is it? Oh God, not again. (groans) - Maybe a little news
will lull me to sleep. - [News Reporter] And
that's when the terrorists hijacked the flaming yacht, and drove it into the orphanage before diabetic puppies. Merry Christmas, and goodnight. - Well, I'm never going to sleep again. - Well, I'm never going to sleep again. (snoring) - [Narrator] I'm just
kidding, I can't sleep. (sighs) - Okay, I can do this. I've meditated, my mind is at ease, I've had tea, you're going to sleep. (bedtime music) Except for that memory from fourth grade when I peed my pants and Eliza Birdstein
called me out and I lied and I told her I just
got baptized that morning but the priest was in a rush and decided it was just as effective to do it over the clothes. Or that time I forgot
my lines during Act 1 of "Bye Bye Birdie" and after
a full minute of silence, the only thing I could
think to mutter out was, "Bye bye birdie." Or that time at Dave & Busters when I was with Danny and I threw up on the skee-ball machine but wanted to play it cool and act like it wasn't that big deal, so I just kept playing and rolling the skee balls
through my own vomit! Or that time that I was at band camp and I just-- (alarm beeping) (alarm beeping) (sighs) Time to start my day. - [Narrator] Let's play the game meth phase or sleep deprivation. (groans) - I'm too hungry to fall asleep. But it's so bad for you
to eat right before bed. You know what? I can have something light. Yeah, like a classic
small little night snack. That's what I'll do. Okay so I'm only gonna have
like three olives, that's it! Now that I've activated my stomach, I'm only gonna get hungrier so like maybe just like half a pickle. Those two things were so salty. I need to balance it out
with something sweet. Slice of cake! Yes! That was a pretty small slice of cake. All right, so I know I'm
not being very healthy, so I've gotta balance it out with something like protein, like a ham. Ooh, entire ham, yes! All right, this is
becoming less of a snack and more like a full meal. And we know it's not
good to eat before bed, but hold on, if I treat this as breakfast, and my sleep as like an eight hour nap, then we're golden! Oh, that's perfect! All right. Time for dessert. Slice of cake! Ooh, I really should
finish that half a pickle. It's weird that I put it back. Why would I do that? I'm a bad roommate. - [Narrator] What day is it again? - Honestly, I don't even
know if I've ever even had an REM sleep. Like I don't even remember
ever having a dream, ever. - Yo, I've been taking so much Zambien, that's Zannie and Ambien together, and I'm still just flying off the handle. - Hey um, do you guys think maybe bragging about not sleeping is kind of weird and not good? - Sounds like someone got a
half hour of sleep last night. (laughing) - God! - Little snoozer! - [Narrator] Every insomniac ever. (vocalizing) (spraying) - Ugh, can't believe I'm
using my good skin spray, bro. - Be quiet, dude. Shush. Don't be quiet. - I knew I wasn't supposed
to have a second cupcake, but, I didn't know she had cats, I didn't know that the cats
would be in the cupcakes. (whimpering) - Go to sleep. I dare you. (coughing) - Oh my God, that's (beep) genius! God, I rock! - Welp, that was that. We're all tired. I think every single one of us is tired right now. That's the one thing uniting the world. If you wanna watch more good (beep) shit, we got it. So check it out, it's somewhere around here. Also we got smosh.store, some good old stuff over there. And if you haven't subscribed, frankly, if you haven't
subscribed at this point, I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing. Do it. Well, that's that. Well, that's that.
