Eunice (1982)

because of the following special program house calls and Lou Grant will not be presented this evening from television City in Hollywood Carol Bernett Harvey Corman Vicky lawren in units also starring Ken Barry and Betty White Mama Mama Mama did you get my yellow dress iron just fine thank you Unice how was your day M I assumed you hadn't been run over by a truck since I talked to you on the telephone an hour ago I mean do I have to say how are you every time I come into the house I don't know how to explain common courtesy oh no naturally here is my yellow dress in a million wrinkles Mama Unice I had just turned off that iron when you called and I've been on my feet ever since fixing your dinner my dinner Philip's dinner you mean I'm not the big meat L fan around here what you do to your face nothing well your eyebrows look funny well I just plucked a few out that's all well I'm afraid you got carried away and over plucked Mama this is the current shape well your Skin's all red looks like you've been in a fire will you just droping car two days ago you said you were going to put Phil suitcases in the basement and they are still here in my way Carl I am in the bathroom but where did you go in there I don't know I don't punch a Time Clock every time I go into the bathroom well I'm just falling all over these things and my oven's on the blink again tella this is not the time to give me another bulletin about the oven just leave me alone for a few minutes well either come out here and fix it or get me a new one what do you think you're doing give me that no sense in ruining a brand new dress even if it is a little Gody for most people's taste I don't want all this fussing and fuming about anyway you're only going to another movie with that Ed Higgins ain't you momy you don't always have to refer to him as that Ed Higgins you as the man's the bottom of the barrel very well since you object to Ed Higgins so violently you'll be happy to know that I am Duke Reeves tonight do you mean to tell me that Duke Reeves has asked you out no I don't mean to tell you that Mama it's just that he's going to be at a party tonight and I'm going there that's all Unice I thought you'd giv up on that Duke Reeves pipe dream years ago mama I don't want to hear your opinion Unice he was the president of his class he was the captain of the football team he was valedictorian and Miss Ballin tells me that every time he snaps his fingers the girl come running so what could he possibly see in a lowly toad like me is that what you're saying so you're crashing a party huh I am not crashing Mary Beth pickings came into the store today and she said guess what I'm going to a party and Duke G is going to be there so why don't you come along with me in my date so what is the big crime mama you going to wear that purple nail polish to the party no mama I'm just putting it on for the Ducks of it Mama Mama Mama Mama listen I got a chance to get a ride to New York today right away New York Phil don't pull anything funny with me today please my nerves can't handle it Mama well here you are you ought to be the bell of the ball in that thing you know the trouble with you you're just afraid that if I do go I might have some fun and you just can't stand that thought k what the hell are you doing mama you know how I always said I wanted to go to New York someday while I'm leaving a little sooner than a figure that's all in fact I have to leave right away what do you mean you have to it just fell into my lap plop I mean it's weird I just met Bud French at the drugstore he that loud kid with the big yellow eyeballs yeah no no no this is Bud French I know him from college and he's driving his uncle's car to New York this afternoon his uncle was here visiting and he had to fly back cuz his wife broke her leg so Bud's driving his car home for him and I'm going along it's a free trip his uncle's buying the gas and I can't pass it up you understand no I don't his uncle's got a big house in Queens and Bud says there's plenty of room for me you don't just take off for New York every time some goof fall say hop in we're going to New York is not a goofball Mama New York is full of creeps and perverts all right all right I will try to avoid them mama why do you make everything sound you only just got home from college 2 days ago Phil Philip you haven't even seen your sister alen yet besides I just baked you a nice peach pie oh mama look I know it's sudden and I'm sorry it upset you but I probably look around for a job here in town baby well I can always do that if I don't find a job there a job now you getting a job in New York well it's not so impossible is it I took journalism in college didn't I I wrote on the school paper oh well fine so you're just going to March right into the New York Times and you're going to say hi I'd like a job as a reporter and they'll say great we're glad you showed up you're that kid from that little dinky College here's your dad I know it sounds crazy but there's lots of little papers there I might find something Mama you called this prayer Unice have you lost your mind worrying about that God forsake and dress when your brother's about to run out of here to New York and throw his life away right in front of your eyes oh for Pete's sake Mama calm down don't be so dramatic Phil be back in no time at all with his tail between his legs oh that's right Mama look on the bright side like Unice your aunt Ana and your uncle Vern are going to be heartbroken that they haven't seen you Mama come on I haven't seen them in years well that's for sure I'm always a py get stuck with ain't ey an unckle burn every damn time he always running off half cocked just like your daddy he never did plan of heading either and look where we are today mama why do you always assume I'm crazy I have been planning on riding for a living ever since I can remember and there's nothing half talked about it Carl call your brother Vern on the phone and see if that writer he knows can't help Philip get a job writing here in town can you just wait till I get out of here no you have to get out here right now your son has just announced that he's leaving the house forever he's going to New York to sponge off some people he don't even know and one of them has a broken leg how do you hear me yes damn it the whole neighborhood can hear you oh Lord there's Ed and I'm not ready girl mama will you get a grip on yourself Ed's here how dare you tell me how to behave in front of that goon well hi honey H Unice M you're right on time thank you evening Mrs Harper hello Ed I hope this isn't a real dressy affair because if it is Ed will probably want to go home and change into a decent jacket in a tie don't you worry about it Mama come on here come mama my my M don't you look nice so do you uni this old thing you look good in that old thing look let's go I don't like to miss the first scene of a John Wayne movie oh and wait just a second sit down here I I won't talk talk to you for a minute all right guess what Ed what you and me we we've been invited to a party tonight oh yeah uhhuh won't that be fun well guess so who's giving it we just some friends of mine Ed that's all will I know anybody there well no I I don't suppose you will but that sort of makes it an adventure don't it I guess so what kind of a party is it well it it's just a party you know people and like to talking and laughing and just having fun yeah but you this aren't I fun all by myself of course you are Ed well why don't we have to go to that silly old party and go through all that phony baloney jabber when you and I could be by ourselves and talk about our life's plans and all that well Ed we've been by ourselves a lot lately and I think we pretty much discussed all of our life's plans I'm going to own a chain of hardware stores and finance musicals for you to star in oh me we have stores all over the country Unice Houston St Louis Chicago oh I know Ed I know you know you got this whole Aura of success about you I can see it now king of hardware and you're going to be the next Betty grael oh yes you are you're so talented oh Unice dance for me here yeah come on nobody's look oh I can't come on please Unice just a little bit come on dance for me show me those legs up a little love my little let's go to the party oh you so won't be alone with you we're alone an awful lot don't you think it's time we mingled with other people okay when we're through mingling a little bit can we leave the party early so we can have a little time to ourselves what do you mean Ed well I thought maybe you'd like to come over to my place for a while I've got a new phonograph needle I see is that a requirement for the evening well I don't know what you mean I mean are you telling me that you won't go to the party with me unless you are alone with me afterwards is that what I was saying boy are you touchy just what is our relationship all about anyway Ed Higgins is there any kind of a spiritual basis to it or not well sure there is except we had one kind of an evening planned out now suddenly there's this big sweep all right then all right if you'd rather go to a dumb old movie than go to a great party then so be it let's go to the dumb old movie all right let's go to the damn party then no just forget it I'm sorry I asked you in the first place what are you getting on your darn high horse about well it's perfectly obvious that I am all right to be alone with but not fit to be seen out in public with ph none of this makes any sense to me at all I can't believe you have you given any thought at all about what this is going to do to your father yes Mama but I think there's a good chance if you don't tell him he won't notice here minute it's not like those stuck up fluffy headed blonds do this do that take me here take me there but don't you dare touch me you creep hi I'm Phil Harper oh oh glad to meet you heard a lot about you Ed I heard a lot about you too just graduated from college huh that's right never had time for it myself had to work well Philip worked and went to college yes ma'am I'm very happy to say I'll never be seeing you again Unice what a shame well that Su me right down to the ground and I'll tell you something else it's the last time I'm ever going to go out with a two bit Hardware clerk just cuz I feel sorry for him and besides your mind is in the gutter oh I'm sure the neighbors are enjoying them what happened nothing Phil it's nothing that concerned you I just got rid of a weight that's been bragging me down all these years that's all just means that tonight I can go to Duke Reeves with a clear conscience oh well oh this is it we didn't even get one chance to play part cheesy Since You've Been b call get out here yeah be right there bud B I'm going to be coming to New York pretty soon one of these days myself what you really planning on going to New York unit well pH of course I am you know that either New York or Hollywood Carl the rider is leaving only I'm going to go the right way Phil I'm not going to run off in all directions like you no you know what I'm going to do I'm going to audition for a part at the pepper poot Playhouse and then I'm going to put all my reviews in a scrapbook and then I'm going to go to New York as a professional PA you better get out here the whole damn family's moving out baby I'll write a play for you Unice well Phil mama I really got to go oh my God hurry up in a minute damn it go in there and say goodbye to your daddy just say goodbye from out here Carl what is the matter with you you get out here and do something about this you're St head straight for his ruination oh Lord isn't there anywhere in this house where a man can get a little peie don't get out of here and leave me alone I'm coming I'm coming so long dad you're making a mistake son so long mama don't worry I'll be fine so long Unice I I'll call from New York I'll never forgive you for this philp till the day I die you gratitude it's all I've ever gotten from my children it's all I can ever expect I do plenty for you mama daddy daddy can you run me over to Mary Beth what's the matter with taking the bus I can't take the bus in this dress is practically a formal will you leave your daddy out of this he going to help you crash some party wearing that God aful yellow dress with purple nail polish in a face like a burnt Goblin well all right this burnt Goblin in her yellow dress and her purple polish will take the bus and she will transfer at 12th in Maine right in the middle of the white District I might cheer them all up leave me alone if you're get out here I'm going to call a fire department you Mama Mama you good do the place look pretty off spck and span my goodness Mama oh philli hadn't arrived yet well no not yet aren't you a little bit early is there anything I can do mama no no I think I've done everything you didn't have to bring a casserole unit well I just threw together a little macaroni and cheese I know Philip likes s well I've got lasagna in the oven well then we can have this tomorrow well don't put that in there just now Unice I got everything just the way I want it I make room mama oh Lord this Cake's nearly burnt up Ed would you please check the thermostat on this oven it's been Haywire ever since you put in that new gauge I think you palmed off a dud on me I'm not in the habit of palming off defective mer merchandise and installing things as part of my job I usually get paid for it well I appreciate your help it I really do but I wouldn't let you put the gauge in if you hadn't swor up and down that you knew what you were doing I said to myself well at least he can probably do that you please don't put that in there right now F room mama I didn't know what I was doing I mean this gauge was working perfectly fine when I tested it but maybe something else went on the fritz it's an old stove well I should have just gone out and bought myself a new one it would have saved a lot of money in the long run but you swore up and down all I needed was a gauge that's all it needed then well if I had known I was going to be up against all this grief I just had a professional fix it in the first place un if I told you not to do that I found room put the damn macaroni on the S and take this to the car expect me to drive this macaroni home now Mama I'm home Mama it's still it's still Mama it's still it's home oh my Lord my famous baby brother home at life hello Ed how are you still kicking around long time no see B you sit right down here on the couch next to me and I want you to tell me everything all about your exciting career in New York and your adventures and everything come on now talk talk talk talk talk talk well life in New York is really not all that exciting Unice as a matter of fact you know you are not going to get out of town without at least one part cheesy game part cheesy my gosh I haven't played that since we this afternoon I want you to come with me and if when we pick up the boys at school oh philp you haven't even seen Little Billy well now you didn't stop managing the boy's life B I'm not managing his life anybody want coffee no not for you Mama caffeine doesn't seem to agree with me well God what next I hope you haven't gone and gotten any other crazy ideas in your head since you were here last oh well I don't think so but I did kind of get off coffee well how about some lemonade anything the matter with that I don't know about no mama lemonade would be fine think I break down have a beer lemonade makes my lips pucker you know something Phil you look a little pasty you know I thought maybe that picture on the back of your last book you know that murder mystery thing you wrote was just kind of unflattering but now that I see you in person I realize it's really you uh no my last book wasn't a murder mystery Unice as a matter of fact it was a novel about point is honey I am concerned about you don't you get Outdoors at all well sometimes I have to go to the store you we ought to make sure the little billy gets out more I know I know I am doing my best with that boy kids got no gumption now bub is a holy terar please let's not drag Phil into a discussion about our kids I was merely trying to tell him he ought to get a new picture for his book oh well anyway it wasn't really a murder mystery as a matter of fact it had to do with a period in history whatever it was Phil I have to admit honey I couldn't get all the way through it it was a it was a historical novel there was a murder in it but there never was any mystery as to who did it yeah yeah you know philli now that you bring it up why on Earth did you pick such a dry subject to write about I thought it was fascinating mind you I hope it goes over but I tell you what Miss balling couldn't make head and her tail that thing I'm sorry but you know it has made the best seller list that one philli that's Wonder Mama did you hear that bill made the besteller list yes Unice I heard I'm sitting right here and I'm not death as a matter of fact you know we sold over you're going stick with this writing thing man huh I guess so you know of course there's no guarantee that people are going to keep buying your books is there I mean you know the public is fickle that's that's true my Hardware is steady something you want to think about getting in on someday people are always going to need nuts and Bulls you know I've been thinking about doing a little wri in myself Bill oh that's wonderful Unice and I get this one story all worked out in my mind I call it my fluffy story fluffy you a rabbit yeah that's right oh Phil wouldn't he be perfect as a little hero of a story you know something about all his adventures that he went through after he was stolen from me only in my book he'd find his way back he wasn't stolen Unice you left the cage open and he ran away I never left that rabbit alone without locking up his cage oh well fine Unice you have it your way but you were very careless with that rabbit wasn't he adorable fill with his little ears one going this way and one going that way I remember him he was black and white wasn't he he was my best friend in the whole wide world I used to hold him and I'd pet him and I'd tell him all of my troubl and then I would I'd put him in my little wagon and i' take all worked up over fluffy again after all years we went through months of crying at the time we went through it I'm the one who went through it you don't have any idea what it was like to come home and find that cage empty uh I I think you you should write the story Unice you know I I find that if you really feel strongly about something it usually makes a good story that's what I think too Phil as a matter of fact you know the very first story who ever's hungry we better eat now all right let's count down come on have another beer anybody want beer I have a beer now wait a minute you can't drink beer without taing I got us a bottle of muskil yeah so iead go go ahead I said go on do it so by the time we got rid of the loading platform we had t as much room in the store which is what I said all along oh that's great Ed yeah yeah pH why don't you and me take a drive downtown I want to show you our new shopping mall it is a last word well now I'm sure he has things of his own to do right philli oh no not much I just thought I'd spend an evening with Jerry Dalton and then I was kind of hoping that we could swing by the cemetery before you left oh sure Mama that'll be festive so um how are the boys doing in school Unice the boys well it's kind of hard to tell Phil you know they're kind of funny they're at that Restless age you know at least Bubba is all boy other one's tur into a real sits around all day long scribbling on little notes of paper probably got another riter on our hands Philip couldn't you stay for more than just a few days uh no mama I really have to get back and you'll never guess why guess who I got an appointment with Mama who's that pH a movie producer that's nice a movie producer he he wants to option one of my books for a movie a movie Phil that's new yeah it just came out of the Brew I was sitting having dinner one night and the phone rang and I thought movie producer fell does he know what he's doing he's not just some Fly by Night is he oh no Mama He's very responsible well I'll tell you Philip don't let them make one of them things where everybody keeps taking their clothes off all I ask is don't let him put one of them English actors in it I can't never understand a word they're saying you know B casting the right actor and the right part is everything I found that out when I saw Mary Queen of Scots over at the pepper poop Playhouse I tell you it was a joke they're nothing but a bunch of rank amateurs over there I wouldn't be in one of their Productions if they beg me on their hands and KN well I guess that's what anymore You' already W if you think I'm incompetent why don't you go hire yourself a fancy professional Prof just want something to cook on I got better things to do with my time I'll come over here and fix things for you all the time lord couldn't hear myself think sit down Phil pH New York is the place where they appreciate real talent now don't you agree well I guess so well then don't you be surprised if you find me on your doorstep one of these days real soon are you planning on moving to New York unit I feel you if all people should know that New York is a place to go to get a career started well I guess yeah well New York or Los Angeles they both have good acting schools school school feel you sound just like Mama I don't need to go to no acting school my goodness what is acting anyhow it's nothing but personality why did you know that Bert Lancaster was discovered standing in an elevator not doing a damn thing I had realize well sure it's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time don't you Philip is the only one in the family with any Talent now could we please swing by the cemetery and visit your father now well it was just a thought Unice anything the matter with that thought no it's just that Ed gave up a whole day's work and and I gave up an end of the month sale at pennies just so we could have a real nice visit here with philli and I hardly think that the cemetery is the cheeriest place for it well fine Unice you don't have to go you go on to your sale I'll tell your father that you went to an end of the month sale instead of coming out to pay your respects to him he won't be a bit surprised Lord knows he doesn't expect to see you out there me the last person in the world he expect to see out there is philli with all his talent hary ever saw Daddy when he was alive and when he died Phil just breezed in and out of town for the funeral oh Lord I should have my head examined for ever letting a dumb like you get your hands on that stove again I might know he wind up throwing all over the room all over the room huh would you like to see me throw it all over the house would you like to see me throw it all over the yard would you like to see me throw it all over time would you like to see a dumb clut go crazy then just keep this up you stop it stop it you come over here and sit down she can look A Gifted horse in the mouth once I said sit down Unice I got here for Daddy's funeral as soon as I could well I know you did Phil I know you did and you were ushered right into the first funeral car and I was shoved right back into the second one story of my life I thought was pretty nice car oh shut up Ed for you don't you think I had more important things on my mind that day than to worry about which car you were in I was burying your daddy I had a load of guilt on my heart which I carried to this day we had an awful fight before he died I said some terrible things to him and all I could think was if I hadn't C called him a loser and a failure and a short-sighted panty waste Carl would be alive today but he lost complete control of himself he turned already threw his bear can at me stormed off into that bathroom and he never come out Mama you never told me Daddy died in the bathroom I didn't see any reason to go into all them unpleasant details but that's the reason I like to go out to the cemetery every chance I get unas to beg his forgiveness mama I am sure he's forgiven you we don't always have to all he had in Unice sometimes when I walk in that bathroom I swear I can still see him sitting there well in that case you don't have to go clear out to the cemetery to beg his forgiveness you can just go right into the B uh Unice I I think the best thing to do would be to go to the cemetery well I don't even want to go now all the Joy's been taken out of it where do you think you're going Phillip uh upstairs I just want to relax a minute and then I thought I'd give Jerry Dalton a call well don't you think you ought to check with your sister Ellen before you get tied up with that Jerry Dalton I don't plan on getting tied up mama I just want to check on his free time fine fine but you'd think you'd want to check with Ellen first in your don't don't worry about it Mama we'll fit it all in are you trying to tell me that Jerry Dalton comes first in your life before you family yes at this very minute he does come first first second third fourth fifth six well that's the thanks I get he just Wales out of here and leaves me with my plans all up in the air you think you'd learn a little consideration by now oh he's certainly gotten high and mighty since he moved into the if philli did it I can do it I am going to New York oh Lord Unice wake up and smell the coffee I am sick of being suffocated by you and by you as of now I am doing an about face in my life when Philip goes back to New York I'm going with him oh yeah what about the kids well I have thought maybe you and Mama might look after him for a while but if you won't then I'll take Bubba and Billy with me and we can buck in with philis Phil what airline you on cuz I'm going back to New York with you Paradise mother I got the blues cuz so fair woo Sho they going carry me there I'll build The Stairway To Paradise with a new step every day but I should have been a dancer mama I tell you I tell you what you should have been is on time we're supposed to be eating now so I don't miss that jungle movie at 7:00 oh I know I know well I don't want to miss it well I don't want to miss it either did I uh did I get a phone call by any chance mama no not so far as I know well fine of course I might have forgotten I know Mama You've been real forgetful lately I've been worried about that Mama now think think real hard did I get a phone call and I don't know who you're expecting to call anyway whoever calls except for that loud mouth nail oh mama lay off Naomi just cuz she's cheerful you call her loud mou well I think she's wonderful is that who you've been with well we did a little shopping after we got off work yeah shop in hell all right all right all right no we had one drink at the pink parrot I spose oh mama the pink parrot is a wonderful place we just sit around there and we sing and we have such a good time the piano player there told me I have this one oh boy it is disgusting getting tanked up in that dump night after night with another middle-aged woman who couldn't hold on to her husband either the peace par mama is not a dump for your information it is a very high class Place Corporation presidents go in there oh is that who's going to call tonight I suppose a corporation president well it just so happens that I met this very nice gentleman in there and he's a vice president of a corporation and he said he was going to call me tonight can you stand it some drunken bum you're expecting to take you out and ask you to marry him you are insufferable why would you assume that only a drunken bum would ask me out speaking of bums I didn't set a place for Billy he won't be home tonight where is he well I don't know somebody honked their horn he went running out of here mama I grounded that boy for a whole month why didn't you stop him well what was I supposed to do tackle him and sit on him until you're finish boozing with that nitwit Naomi first Bubba and now Billy lord I can't handle those boys alone well I told you if you married that Ed Higgins you was going to have freaks for kids and that's what you've got oh that's my co that's my co that's my co hello oh yes he is this number ask who it is well I was just about to who is it Bill slum the bill slokum from the Raytown star oh well I read your column every single day yeah I'm Philip sister un Miss Higgins uhhuh you know Bill I dabble in a little right in myself telephone yeah we're real proud of him anyway though bill you know my first love is the stage the piano player over at pink parrot just this afternoon here he is it's Bill SL from the r star hello Mr slokum no no no you're not interrupting anything just a long overdue visit to my family and some friends what you bet I was I was thrilled about winning the Pitzer and completely surprised oh you heard about that that's what I plan to do all right and I don't mind telling you it's a little scary you oh thank you no no I'd love to be interviewed uh yes Sunday afternoon is clear clear oh uh okay fine I I'll just call you the paper fine nice talking to you Mr slopen all right bye bye Bill some problem with Sunday Mama well Sunday was the day out a halfway promised D IA that we drop over and then I thought we'd all swing by the cemetery and visit uncle Vern but I guess we cancel all them plans she can visit uncle Vern's grave another day provided she can get a ride no no no I'll just move the interview heck philli what did you mean when you said that fell on the phone that something was scary oh the fact that I'm writing a screenplay for the first time didn't you write all them other movies no mama they they were adapted from my books but other people wrote them well they turned out all right didn't they yes most of them were very successful well then don't rock the boat Philip leave the movie writing to the people that know what they're doing no no I got to try this I don't like the way my books get all distorted you see in my book danger signal I had this whole big building another bear it looks like one anyway this way I have more say all around editing casting casting M you're going to be in charge of casting well not in charge but I can make recommendations the Wonder the whole thing wasn't cast before you mentioned it well I thought I had mentioned it I thought I said something last night oh that's my hello what is it Ana AA well AA all you got to do is just loosen the bandage no I am not coming all the way over there just to loosen an eth bandage for you you can do it yourself you just stick your finger down there and pull and would you do me a favor just take a couple of aspirin and go to bed Lord that old crack pot why am I always hurt py anyhow she knows I'm on my feet at work all day she knows I've had up on my hands all week I hope I haven't been in any trouble Unice Phil stop apologizing all the time Unice hey are you upset with me about something why should I be upset with you Phil H you send us money you even hired detectives when Bubba run off the least I could do I'm just sorry we couldn't find it my point is Phil you've been just wonderful Unice now come on tell me what's the matter oh honestly Phil I shouldn't have to tell you anything it should be perfectly obvious to you did Talia Shire have to go to Francis Ford Capa and beg him for a job in The Godfather I'll bet you my bottom dollar she didn't I'll bet you Francis Ford came to her and he said tell you I have this great new part in my picture and since you are talented and since you are my sister I'm going to give you first crack at it but no no that never occurred to you did it Unice I would love to be able to do that but but there's a butt coming out of that mouth the butt is Unice there is no part you fit you see it takes place in India all the characters something in you promised me when you first went to New York you said you right whole play for me I can't think of a way to put a new character in the story understand it's now or never in the time you did something for me oh no Unice that's not fair you know I waited for you to show up in New York for the longest time you never show I couldn't do that then I had responsibilities I had it and I had the boy okay okay okay come on to La you can stay with me and I'll help you find a job until you can start getting some small parts and then course no I ain't got time for small parts I got to make it now don't you understand I got to make it big I've been wasting enough time my whole life just taking care of other people it was a release for me when Ed ran off with that waitress I don't know where the hell Bubba is and pretty soon Billy's going to be out of my hair and don't you understand I'm free now I'm free except for Mama and well I got it all figured out Ellen can take care of her nobody has to take care of me not you not Ellen not anybody you go on leave me here go on off to California and make an ass out of here yourself it's a joke the way you constantly try to grind me under your heel that's my call that's my call please hello huh Bubba Bubba is that you where are you oh I see is that why you're calling me on the phone to tell me you're not going to tell me where you are you let me talk to that boy you butt out old lady do you have any idea how much money I've had is scrap together to try to find you I had to borrow from your Uncle Phil and how do you think that makes me feel huh well how the hell do you expect me to sound I am heard from you in almost a year I don't expect any consideration from you but you might have at least thought about your grandma but never once in your whole life have you ever thought about anybody else's feelings don't you dare shout at me bubba Higgins I wish I'd answered the phone oh then everything would have been all right H well I'm not saying that unit but at least I would have found out where the boy was asked him where he was I wonder what he wanted money probably that's enough that's enough about that phone call call neither one of you heard that boy's tone of voice well he thinks he's going to call me up and rap me over the co I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of being upset you never did know how to handle Bubba what the hell do you know about raising kids anyway your whole method is to slap them down as soon as they try to do something all I have ever tried to do is to pound some sense into your head Missy and now at your age you think you're going to fly out of here and take Hollywood by stor lots of actresses get late starts look at the mar R the mar R was born talented well so was I didn't I recite H was when I was 5 years old didn't I play the piano and sing the a capri when every company came over and didn't everybody tell me how much they loved it oh Lord un as you were a little girl what could we say the truth is it was Agony for everybody oh god oh Phil Phil I could make it big in the movies couldn't I F with the right direction huh stop stop trying to mess up Phillip's life the way you've messed up your own face it Unice you missed the boat you missed the boat that's why you're so vicious and bitter and dried up uh Jerry and Dorothy are expecting me around 7:30 fine Phil fine go on go on go on to Jerry and Dorthy he won't help me I'll find another way well he sure as hell ain't going to take a Lush like you to Hollywood and introduce you around you act like you never had a beer I know when to stop so do I I don't need this I can quit any damn time I want to see Mama see oh my Lord oh now what when it's way after seven we missing the jungle movie oh mama why didn't you say something earlier this is supposed to be a classic miss the whole thing thing boy I sure would like to know how she keeps that hair do out there in the middle of the Jungle so would I would you look at that dress she's got on there smudge on it I SW what is it oh just a little old cck it'll be all right that thing back it'll be fine let me rub it well I don't need Mama there is no sense in both of us being up all night well you want the B gay I don't need no Ben Gay I'll be just fine you that feels real nice would you look at that they are running for their lives in the middle of the Jungle and they're stopping for love scene I tell you would you wouldn't catch me stopping for that being chased by two Nazis and a pack of dogs could you die it's one of the dumbest movies I think I have ever seen I should direct Unice will continue Ellen um don't look at the house I uh I haven't had a chance to clean it up or anything oh I don't care you should see Bruce's day I told and Bruce you are just like a little pig Walling around in there in that pig pin but he won't even let me move a paper clip is anybody hungry I I can fix it something to eat don't bother I'm not really hungry I'll just have some coffee but I can make it I can make it I handle makeing coffee it'll have to be inant still you won't be caffeinated or anything uh yeah yes that'll be fine oh I I didn't think to get a jar for you Phil what with everything listen regular coffee will be fine they put too much Rouge on her Oh I thought she looked lovely didn't you feel no I just thought she looked dead all right fine Phil we know she was dead I love what they did with her hair Mama should have worned it that way all the time they parted it on the wrong side quite a nice little eulogy I thought that man just rattled it off without an ounce of feeling like he had a train to catch I suppose we all ought to be thankful to Aunt Anna for putting a stop to it by falling off her chair oh I should let that little folded chip made such a crack when she said down I thought I was going to die did you see the look on that Minister's oh stop it Unice it's is funny stop it's all right to laugh Unice mama would have laughed but ain't really was Hur Ellen she was for a minute there I thought she was going to roll down the hill and I his no spring be and I knew the minute I saw those little tiny old folding chairs I thought she been us I say exctly she is all right isn't you f oh yes I think she was more frightened than anything else well that little Sun Ain't out a pull that at least kept me from having to take her to pay her respects to Uncle Vern but just means I'm going to have to Carter out there another day H well throw out these Cream of Wheat units nobody ever ate it but mama oh no wait Ellen don't don't bother I I'll clean up later well it's only my second can fine Unice my it is going to seem strange for a while see in the old place without mama in it you know that Old Clock was really lovely I never appreciated it when I was little it was just that noisy Old Clock Unice you remember how you always hated it did I I kind of like it now Bill H oh I hope you're going to stay around long enough to see Bruce when he gets back from his convention come over for dinner or maybe go to the country club I want to show you all get it a little early to be asking Phil how long he's going to be staying well I'll ask him whenever you think it's appropriate Unis when should I ask him I really don't know how long I'll be here Ellen it sort of depends on how long Unice wants me around well you don't have to stay any longer than you have to on my account I wasn't even with her when she died a cold blooded nurse just called me up from the hospital and told me like she was announcing a time of day Unice there was nothing you could have done the Lord wanted her and he took her isn't that right Phil M oh yes yes and it's a mercy she went quickly Unice and after all we all have to go sometime right Phil no I don't really think so pH I thought when I saw Mama lying in that coffin I thought well she's with daddy with her old friends what do you think Phil I thought we should have had her Frozen honestly what is the matter with you that's that's what I thought Ellen I I thought we should have put her in the Deep Freeze as soon as she died and then someday in the future she could be revived and then she could be made young again and she could live forever as a young girl because nobody would ever have to die then that's that's what I thought you asked me what I thought that's what I thought Phil your crackpot observations are cute most of the time but on a day like today they're disgusting and the b a mama living forever is pretty Grizzly why do we have to be so gloomy Mama's probably sitting up there looking down at us with our long faces and laughing isn't that right Phil I find it hard to picture unit you know what you ought to do get yourself a pet my little sequin is the greatest Comfort to me what's the use a pet would only run off or die on me and I can't take another heartache well fine I used up all the love for anything in the animal kingdom on fluffy but I was never as fond of that rabbit as you were I used to think about him every day in school and I'd say to myself hurry up 3:00 hurry up 3:00 cuz pretty soon I can run home to fluffy and one day I run home to him and he wasn't there I know it was Dreadful uh you you know what you ought to do you ought to get yourself a nice little apartment get yourself some new furniture there's a lovely new development over on Sycamore I believe they even allow pets would you stop shoving pets down my throat and stop trying to get me out of here and when I do move it's going to be to Hollywood or to New York I just thought you'd want to stay in town you got Roots here you got that wonderful job at the dime store you want to be near the jail jail why do I want to be near the jail I'm never going near that jail again after the way Billy talked to me the last time I went to see him there that's what you get when you have kids they kick you right oh who the hell can that be I don't want to see anybody now hey hi there Unice come on in thank you what Ed what a surprise hi Ellen long time no see Phil Ed I'm sorry if this is a bad time Unice but uh I drove in from Lee Summit to go to the funeral but the little guy at the gate there told me that you had long gone and your mama had already been uh you know so I thought it would be all right F A yeah In the Flesh you're looking fine Unice you all are Ellen hey Phil read about you in the movie section of the papers all the time living out there in California with the hippies huh how you doing Ed oh still in there plugging away I'm about to take the big plunge and open up my own hardware store and Le Summit oh sounds great yeah as a matter of fact let's just take a little toddle around the block they probably want to be alone probably see later then right right yes good seeing you Phil oh it's good seeing you Ed yeah I'm real sorry about your mama Unice thank you Ed she was one of those people I didn't think would ever go who darn stubborn you know what I mean Unice I know you and I have had a bad a lot of bad times but I thought I ought to drop by and pay my respects besides you and I can still be friends don't you think oh Ed I don't think so no I I think there has been too much said and too much done yeah I guess so but I still couldn't help think you know maybe you want some coffee I think a beer might hit spot Hine you haven't changed one I owe to Unice your hair is different it's nice I like it I had F especially for the funeral I don't like it look at me I'm got bald just like my daddy you look about the same Ed seems funny your mom enough being here in this kitchen you know it's a great comfort to me to know that you and the boys were staying here I guess I got to take my share of the blink the way the voice turned out your Share Ed mean and most of the blame is mine I didn't mean that I'm sorry I couldn't help you out more financially please Ed I don't want to discuss it I walked out on a good thing like a damn fool guess I was at that Restless stage D please I just don't want to talk about it you were inconsiderate and you were cruel and you put me through torment so let's change the subject I gave up my whole life for you I gave up a career for you you and you thank me by snubbing your nose at me so that's all there is to it enough said well can't we see each other once in a while though Unice I mean maybe have dinner have a beer talk what on Earth could we possibly have to talk about lots of stuff Unice we used to talk a lot share our dreams and we had so much in common well Unice I know can never be the same between us but you can at least let me win your friendship back ain't you and I don't know please Unice it would mean a lot to me and it would take would take weeks maybe months of you coming around again and taking me out to dinner and to movies and and proving yourself all over again I'd be willing to do that okay all right oh all right uh I tell you what um why don't you just give me a few days you know to kind of get myself together and then call me up all right I will all right all right oh and you keep your fingers crossed that I get this store it's only going to cost $5,000 but I got to raise it by next week the guy that runs the store now is kind of let run down but I know I can make that place Z oh and you sound just the way you did when I first met yall fire up like that king of Hardware I tell you this place is going to make money Unice you think it's something that Phil might be interested in getting in on I don't know Ed why don't you ask him I think I will hey I got an idea why don't we all drive to Le suit Now it only take about an hour we'll check out the location pick up Claudia and then go out and eat somewhere Claudia yeah I guess I'm a damn fool but I jump right back into the frying pan Flor is a good sport but a little pessimistic you know so you got yourself married again yeah congratulations thanks Unice of course is not high romance not our age H kid but I'll tell you GLA you sure get a kick out of meet I'm really very tired oh sure y uh maybe we can all have dinner one night this week though huh sure uh should I tell Phil to bring his checkbook or would you prefer cash wait a minute un decided bring it up because I I think you better leave Ed well I I will but I mean I wouldn't have brought it up if I think it was a good I saw that fabri I had to have it from our wicker chairs hi we're back oh well I've barged in on your bement long enough goodbye hen bye Phil Ed so maybe I'll give you a ring tomorrow bye bye my wasn't that a surprise why did I marry that man I should have married Duke Reeves when I had the chance I could have been the wife of the president of Rees insurance but you might not have been happy Unice my mama had such interesting old piece didn't she particularly this lamp you want me to wrap it for you what do you mean ever since we got home from the funeral you have been trying to get your hands on Mama stuff the clock the lamp you want the silverware too take it easy Unice I thought you hated that clock anyway God you take the cake you don't waste a second do you Mama barely cold in her grave and here you are trying to strip the whole house I'm surprised you didn't bring a moving van over here with you look sister dear I know you've had a rough day but that doesn't mean I have to take this I took enough when we were kids what the hell did you ever have to take when we were kids I'm the one you always cheated and Li to other our life I would like to think it was grief doing this to you Unice but let's face that you've been acting this way all your life you are an embarrassment to be around you always have been no wonder your husband and kids headed for the Hills well it's just too bad that mey Mouse s you married didn't head for the hills I guess you you'd be married to a big shot by now didn't just sister dear and now look at you stuck with a Cheesy little accountant in a two bit track house on the other side of town with those guardy gleams all over the ceiling and three fake Furs I should have clobbered you years ago get out of my house this is not your house this house belongs to the three of us and don't you forget it they get out of my sight and I have a bulletin for you about your precious fluffy you remember the day he disappeared well to that wasn't Fried Chicken we had for dinner that night my cin we'd have a nice visit I want to murderers cannibals we didn't do it Mama did it she was sick and tired of cleaning up after that rabbit so she took it to the Butcher and had it skinned and cleaned oh my God fluffy no fluffy fluffy For Heaven's Sake Unice if we hadn't eaten in the damn rabbit it be dead of old age by now anyway you knew about this well after it was all over Unice but Mama didn't want to upset you so she made me promise that I wouldn't say anything mama mama Unice mama where are you where are you Mama are you in your mama where are you m come on where are you Mama I'm don't tell you mama where are you I'm going find you get out of my way Mama Mama I'm going to find you and then I'm going to kill you where are you Mama Mama you rabbit killer where are you m where are you Mama she's gone she's gone yes un this I'm afraid so she left me she left me alone and I am nothing I'm so nothing I was ready to take Ed back can you believe it that poor fish that poor frightened fish and I'm just likeing I have done nothing with my life now you've done lots of things oh don't humor me no I'm not I'm come on here sit up here come on there I want my mom oh fail what am I going to do with my life well you can do anything you want to do still be an actress yeah I'm I'm too old Phil I'm certainly too old to be an actress probably never could have anyhow mama was right about that too no she's dead Unice don't you think you might stop listening to her anyway always thought you could have if you just giving it a try it's so easy for you and Phil topout advice about trying from your Ivory Tower you never had to go through what I had to go through you never had the responsibilities I had you never had the commitments and you never had the heartaches I had either oh you just LED your own Carefree Mary selfish life Unice what do you know about my life you have never even let me finish a sentence all right all right maybe I was selfish maybe I should have taken more Care of Mama maybe I'll always wonder about that but Unice my life has not always been so Merry and carefree you want to hear about it huh you want to hear about disappointment and failure fear about rejection slips you you want to hear about being down to your last 75 cents and just casually dropping in on some somebody you hardly know just because it might be dinner time and trying to act like you don't give a damn the whole time well that's not what shut up and listen and I've had a few heartaches too Unice you want to hear about them are you the slightest bit interested oh just a minute no no no no you wait just a minute suppose my life was as Merry and carefree as you think it was what's that got to do with your life and suppose I was the most selfish man in the world how does that stop you from doing anything because never once did you ever try to help me I have always been willing to help you you've never done anything well I couldn't have had in that Mama had damn un that's just an excuse and you know it yes it is you'll always find some excuse Unice you have never tried to do anything you wanted to do because you were afraid you would fail now that's the B it stop blaming everybody else and if you really want to be an actress take a chance stick your neck out get off your butt do it than how well move to LA for starters and stay with me oh Phil it's all so impossible now so what un as people are doing impossible things all the time hey come with me tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow just pack up and let's go tomorrow I can't I can't go with you tomorrow I'm sure you can what's holding you here well I uh I can't do that I got I got my job I can't quit my job like that why not you mean it fail of course I do well wouldn't I be in your way hey it's a big house oh Phil is it awful to be talking like this on the day Mama's funeral I don't think so tomorrow you mean move out there tomorrow hey when are you going to get a better offer oh Phil I'm going to do it great I'm going to do it what the hell have I got to keep me here anyhow right great let's start packing all right all right I got to go downstairs and get my suitcases and dust them off and I better clean out the ice box I got to call that store and tell them I'm not coming back oh Phil Phil you mean just leave the house and everything sure let Ellen sell it well all right I have that old clock I always hated the thing anyhow you want me to bring up some suitcases from the B that's all right I'm get I got to clean out the ice box first all right oh at at L unit is going to Hollywood come on come on come on hello Ana it's me yeah I'm just calling you up to tell you that I'm going with philli tomor I'm leaving town Hollywood for forever well ain't Ana cuz that's the place to go going to be an actress no I'm not out of my mind well all right so I'll go out there and I'll be a big flop thank you very much AA you want to know something about yourself your biggest kick in life is taking the wind out everybody's sales well of course I care about how you feeling how you feeling n no you didn't break your back when you fell off that chair you probably just pulled a muscle why don't you put a heating pad on it well I I can't come over there now and put a heating pad on it for you I told you I got a million things to do here here I'm leaving AA don't get hysterical I look I tell you what um I'll come over and pick you up and bring you over here and then I can finish up what I have to do tonight and then I can rub you down with some Bing game you'll be better in the morning well if you're not then I'll just take you to the doctor and I can get you x-rayed and well I'll uh I'll just tell Philip to go on without me and I'll join him in a few days uh-huh no it'll be all right I'll put you in Mama's room uh-huh now it's a whole new morning tomorrow Bill Curtis interviews Ted Kennedy on the new CBS Morning News tonight on the CBS Late movie Quincy is stumped by four mummified bodies found in an attic then Columbo investigates an art critics inheritance of a valuable collection on the CBS Late movie the preceding program was recorded before a live audience

Channel: Bob Barnett

Views: 3,901,949

Keywords: Eunice, Carol Burnett, Vicki Lawrence, Harvey Korman, Mama's family

Id: NGaX0NIQjUw

Length: 74min 5sec (4445 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 28 2013