Ep #78: CHRIS DISTEFANO | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings

[Music] four four [Music] [Applause] emily and i uh uh just realized that we're wearing the same clothes we were last week not me on the podcast i'm fully wearing the same horse shirt i'm still in mine and emily still dressed as like um marcel marceau which is a very high brow reference for this podcast um but uh we have christa stefano here today so funny we had such a good time so cute and you guys are gonna love this episode because i hardly get a word in edgewise it's very refreshing i was refreshed i only nerfed her once only nerf darted me once um benton this is his second episode where he is out i was wearing this sweater to cover up the fact that i'm wearing the same shirt last week but i'm hot so now i'm gonna take this off and you know what i love that journey for you i'm green i wear the same shirt and she doesn't wash it yeah i don't i'm not gonna it smells like a horse help help kill the it's like a scratch and sniff it benton is still uh out he had a procedure and i say we call him to see if he's i believe it's ending now ish let's should we call him and see because i think he's on a lot of painkillers oh this will be a treat oh benton you're on the pod are you are you okay yeah oh it looks great you look good bud i look i look like very cute do you want to tell everyone what you are at the doctor for wait are you you're on drugs right wait what drugs are you on before you and can you get any extra is it legal for me to record you while you're on drugs this feels like a uh yes they gave them to me in a little cup when they were little are they the ones you give me before i go night night no they were blue oh oh were they viagra that's why i said the same joke but they didn't like it you're facetiming me the way my four-year-old niece facetimes me which is just your forehead he was very very um skinny so i was offended and then um wait you need to tell people benton you need to tell people why you're at the doctor listen i told him i said i said i bet you won phone king didn't you he said no but i don't believe him okay did anything else happen did you meet any other friends yeah amanda she was my caretaker and she was nice okay okay um is she available to care take me she's on a daily probably i'm sitting in this room right now waiting on someone to come pick me up uh-huh do you hope someone shows up wait is someone is someone opening you up do you want us to send you an uber pool no but noah's coming to get me nova's coming to get you okay are you do i need to text her make sure she gets there or if it knows where you are i sensed her a secret message do you do you do you want to see my my jar of blood you need to tell people yes i do yes jar of blood yes please okay i had them i had them record some of it while i was actually happening oh okay hot content alert i don't know who thought of this i don't know what stickel came up with it but i i i'm a fan you're a fan what are you gonna do with your new neck um i'm gonna probably wear chokers what about turtlenecks are those gonna be a thing yeah i'm gonna wear i'm gonna wear i'm gonna very tiny turtleneck how about see-through turtleneck i'm gonna like you guys turtleneck vibes but you yeah i wanna i would like a clear plastic turtleneck yeah um i'm actually just gonna wear straws around my neck just straws choker spikes very very definitely choker with spikes on it very nancy from the craft benton a hot giveaway oh my god if you subscribe to youtube you get some of benton's blood let's see the jar i have to wear this thing on my head for two weeks can we see can you let it out a little more there you go to hold the oh my gosh ben you're like wait you look like a penis no you look like a bobsled you look like you're on a bobsled team benton for two weeks well two days 48 hours and then i supposed to wear as much as i can for two weeks should we be dazzling it with bat bat bap on this side that would be fun fun fun oh they told me to wear they said they said wear a black hoodie that you don't care to ruin so i wore this one wait what your face is leaking he still hasn't told everyone okay okay well do you want to share what you did or why you were at the doctor you'll be able to see you don't be like they if they don't see then something's wrong then you're going to get your money back let's see the jars so i think you just did a little neck sculpt i think that's kind of what it's called yeah they they sculpted my neck mm-hmm okay it was light bulb okay you just whispered into a microphone benton i know well we love you we just did uh we just did a little open and we're just uh fumbling through here i'm waiting for the fury of youtube comments asking where you are well now they now surprised are you what drugs did you get do you know what the blue ones blue i know but are they sending you home with any asking for a friend they are sending me home with some they're sending me home with an antibody oh cool we're just gonna be home with a fancy ibuprofen oh that good okay okay with it with this medicine that i'm only supposed to take if i'm in real pain i bring that one to the one that i take daily and and also neosporin oh that's i feel like we have that wait what is the one that is only in real pain is it percocet vicodin do we have do we have an opioid crisis on our hands it has a little bit of it in there but i don't i've never taken any kind of pain medication sorry me neither me neither i would 100 think i'm addicted to it i would never i would never take a drug to numb the doctor said that he went to school in canada and i said yeah well my dad's a [ __ ] that is classic benton at first i was like i don't want to tell anybody what i had done but let me tell you a secret it's not anybody's business i can do whatever i want that's true i want to get a chin implant can you take what was taken from you and put it in emily's chair yeah i have a weak chain but a lion's heart i asked if i could donate it but you can't you can't give somebody up fat why not where's the jar where's your jar of blood so we can put it on ebay yeah it's in another room where's your jar of blood we i want to send it to army hammer it's not just blood it's also fat it's really really good it would probably be really delicious if you like put in a pan first and you let it fry up you know benton we're not gonna eat your neck your loss they gave me a they gave me a cliff bar oh great well emily has a half one of those in her purse you're a lucky dog because because i'm starting right now with being you know healthy oh sure okay yes yes yes i like that that's good great all right well we love you is there anything else you want to say to the pod fans yeah i want to say that we have new merch coming out and you should like and comment and subscribe and that um that everyone deserves to be happy yeah i like this profound kill could you take this daily this feels like a good match for you they gave me laughing gas too let me tell you something that was dope oh wait were you under like did you go under anesthesia i know oh i was awake in the video where they're actually doing the procedure on me that i had them film i'm talking oh i was just doing a type five i hope you totally recorded a standard secret i was telling them i was like you should listen to the podcast and i made them all subscribe on their phones oh my god that is true he's a company never not hustling never that is called it's called that's called always next generation a b c always be closing all right well don't don't worry you're allowed to touch your face [ __ ] well i think my cheek that's fine nothing happened there and can you sleep uh on your back or you have to like sleep like upside down hanging like a bat i can sleep however i want instead it's not like they didn't put the fat anywhere there was 33 cc's gallons no i could hear it it sounded like this that is disgusting i mean good for you you guys don't you who needs roman when you can just hear sounds like that uh from benton who needs ed medication that sponsors our podcast when you can just listen to those sounds i am med medication basically i just go right up to the penis and i go why is the feathers disappoint [Laughter] when that's sexy can we fully get bent into drug addiction whatever this drug is can i i kind of want this to be a weekly thing i have an addiction i have to live for i don't have addictive me either these last two months have been smooth sailing well this is annoying what like i'm finally off uh weed edibles and drugs and now you're on drugs it's like we're just we're like ying and yang there will always be a reason to tune in there'll always be someone off the rails on this podcast you look like you're a full blonde right now because your little red riding hood cap is covering the rest of your hair honestly yeah i believe you will i it's it's very um betty davis oh in the in the dark ears gray garden great gardens oh it feels like um your neck is leaking yeah that seems okay maybe don't worry are you supposed to talk oh yeah are you supposed to be talking oh what are you doing i'm allowed to talk life is normal can you eat uh-huh they gave me a gay dread oh well lucky you remember gatorade gum ew no oh you couldn't chew gum i bet i'm gross but it's like my neck is leaking i'm like getting gum you guys are gross he's trying to show us a jar of fat that gatorade gums where we draw the line um we uh we miss you we love you do you need anything no you'll probably go home and sleep right yeah oh i'll probably start a project oh there's a podcast you honestly abandoned if you could bang out like 10 episodes of a podcast right now on these drugs it will be the biggest podcast on the planet i do think we should do some episode of the podcast where we all do different drugs or shots or something oh i'd love that we should do like one episodes of shots one episode where we get stoned one episode do mushrooms did you know did you know this is the secret did you know none of what you're saying is a secret it's being broadcast inner like nationally at the moment yes our friends um do you know that when they take fat out of your body you can't get the fat back where they took it out of oh that's i did because a lot of people take fat from their legs and put it in their butts but why would you want to take it out and put it back in the same place that's an indecisive person no no my dumb ass was like why i ever want a fat neck again oh yeah and the answer is no you're gonna put in the freezer like a wedding cake and a year later take it out for the anniversary i actually put it in my cheeks but they said no no your cheeks are nice no no no no yeah don't go in a good way oh my god his eyes but you can take it out i know people take it out of their thighs and put it in their butts and their chins emily i know we i thought is it fat i thought it was like a device you put in your chin i don't know but you can get fat there too or i've told you this a hundred times sorry do we have ample video of you under anesthesia to share with the fans oh we have a lot of graphic content not suitable for work okay okay good that's because i got fully naked um we got that only fans is gonna get fired up soon there's just an only fans where i only have fat removed there's probably a kink for that i mean everyone's there's a kink for everything i'm learning can you see it or is it glaring for the people on youtube um this is just kind of also turned into a weird like asmr tour dates should i read them uh yeah try to read my tour dates ben 10 let's see what you got um oh i can't see them well i can't read wait hold on ready okay do you see that make it a little bigger wait um that says april 15th or 17th spokane washington comedy pub thank you for more information visit whitneycummings.com okay thank you great oh that wasn't on there he just said oh she's like bitching my heart why he's happy i know it's just like so sweet oh wait i think we should end this podcast soon because i need to head on over there yeah and make sure he got home okay that little jar of blue pills makes me very nervous right and jealous yeah michael jackson's doctor's in jail right just confirming he's doing next year he's confirming he's not still on the loose doing procedures okay i gotta check my workers comp situation yeah what's the disability class i know you guys think that was a funny call but i feel like uh an accomplice should we call his mom uh for sure uh and my lawyer um so benton will be back next week irl uh we are now going to shut up i thought you said r.i.p and i was like no he's fine yes the way your brain turns harmless things into catastrophes is an art um krista stefano you guys know him uh chrissy chaos chrissy chaos podcast hey babe podcast he used to do history hyenas with janice pappas which is on patreon he is on patreon he's the best he's so [ __ ] funny and smart and charming and don't easy his girlfriend i would not cross her i mean cute like a brother yeah platonic cute platonic um he's so great we did actually an outdoor show the other day together in la um and uh god he was [ __ ] funny his stand-up is so funny even after a year of us not doing stand-up we're all rusty yeah he got up there i was like [ __ ] i better pull it together yeah yeah and uh he was just being so funny he like he'll throw in these little asides like he's doing these really smart sort of bits about you know what culture and and you know and then he'll just throw in like i don't really this made me laugh so hard he was like i don't really have to i don't really pick a side like with politics i sort of agree with this person and this person i'm chrissy flip-flops it's such a dumb like it just made me laugh so hard for some reason then chrissy flip-flops chrissy flip-flops coming right up uh like subscribe all the things i'm really embarrassed about saying that like what am i what am i a tic toc star like subscribe smash the like button hit me in the comments down below i am so i was watching one of these youtubers and they go like in their stories they're like i just posted an instagram go like it and comment below like i just can't do that go follow the at good for you podcast i'm like you do what you want to do on your time but also like and subscribe i'm not going to chase you i'm not going to oh yeah no i am i will that's what emily's invention that's what i'm here for i'm not desperate for attention i'm desperate like and subscribe or not frankly i'll be fine either way but do i'm enough tour dates whitneycomings.com uh you guys can easily find these but every time i talk about tour dates you're like where's the tournaments we're so confused like it's confusing i'm waiting for there to be a billboard in your town to tell like whitneycomings.com we know where these dates are you know her name easy to find spokane washington april 15th to 17th san antonio texas that's coming up april 22nd to 24th brea california may 7th and 8th houston texas may 13-15 dallas texas may 20th to 22. alaska arizona arkansas no i'm not i don't have dates there you're going to confuse everybody sorry you put it nerd above about a between do you don't know one state what was it no what was the one about um the uh above about because after against among around at before after that was a private school education i have no idea we were talking about these are um no it's called tourette's uh no what is the um the thing about not um what are those things at adjective no um um prepositions i'm just googling grammar what is grammar what is grammar like did you mean betty ford grammar what is it uh it's a when something's on top what does that mean preposition on preposition the preposition song i didn't i'm not i don't know that one well sing it and i'll shazam it here we go did i get it even close to right i can't believe this is a song that you remember 966 000 views finds out the direction this podcast is going when he's not here he's going to be livid i'm fired here it is look behind below beneath the side between before beyond by in from off on over of attila colorado connecticut delaware florida um it's so weird how that comes back so fast yeah but i get mixed up in the middle yeah no yours didn't really come back but the first couple did um we love you guys uh do not ride elephants enjoy your life we love you i love doing this podcast me too uh okay uh whitneycummings.com we are coming to a city near you and you should know that spokane san antonio april 22nd 20 to the 24th brea california may 17th to nope may 7th to 8th maybe loud shows and go to the 17th if you guys actually uh listened to this or have gotten this far uh may 20th to 22nd i'm in dallas then tempe i'm in tempe i'm in um you're all over the place i know uh tempe arizona baltimore magooby's baltimore rubies i love you guys uh text me eight one eight two three nine seven five two seven i'm doing i'm back to doing daily birthday messages now that i'm out of the code now that i'm out of the coveted fog so if you text that number every morning um every morning or i mean like yeah yeah yeah yeah if it's your birthday you will get a message from me follow us on instagram at good for you podcast i love doing this i read your comments guys i'm working on the interrupting i'm working on the all the things so excuse me she's working on turning her phone off during recording i have a call from beverly hills excuse me excuse me i gotta go take this someone wants me to be in the pictures i just walked in i i look like um uh i look like the internet thinks i look you look great thank you but thank you so much i like it yes thank you so much very antifa uh tricks you've been telling you look like you're about to storm the capital i know so i do need a little bit of lip gloss uh same chris de stefano yeah such a fan i'm are you what are you kidding me i'm a fan i agree i love it does everyone mispronounce your name yeah so annoying it's whatever though do you just have to make that your name now um yeah well it's like kind of whatever people say i just go with whatever pronunciation they want it's interesting because it's kind of the one word you can pronounce no one else can pronounce right exactly it is a little bit ironic even in my own family like my father says d stefano and his sister says destefanel some people smell spell it with a capital s i spell it with a small s because i'm just like emotionally out of issues but i'm just not confident yeah but yeah i don't know i mean whatever you want to call me i don't care are we friends a thousand percent we are absolutely new friends new friends new friends new friends i don't want you look like you're convincing yourself right now i'm legit friends with you we are i swear to god i'm friends with you and i'm the type of person i'll be friends with you no matter what you do to me i could just get over it like very quickly i don't hold on to anything really yeah dude i'm just not that person um okay walk me through that what like i just don't i just don't get bent out of shape around for anybody like whatever people want to do i'm just cool my whole goal in life is just to be like happy every day yeah and just like push my kid in a swing so we're new friends new friends but i feel very close to you i feel very close to you too i feel very close to benton because benton has been dming me for how long benton for ever since lucy told me to say a year shout out lucy from nashville from zany we love lucy that's how benton i met that's where we met yeah and if benton i said before if benton ever wants to you know come at me in two years i have all the the messages he sent me screenshotted and in my lawyer's office [Laughter] you have a lawyer yeah [Laughter] why did you stop history hyenas no well be just because just because we wanted to do like other things like we i was like you know like we just we're talking about history like uh there's a lot of times where like you know giannis shout out iana's poppas wanted to do other things and i want to talk about other things and we're like oh like we did this podcast it was so fun for three years let's just go support each other and do the other way so that's what that's the only reason why we like how do you know you're done like how do you like we we like i think like i think like we just kind of got to because we're friends first that's the thing we were friends first we were like yo like sometimes like you know we're only been like meeting once a week just do the podcast we don't talk anymore like dude like you know it's just a podcast like money is like what whatever dude like well let's be friends failing that's what you're saying yeah no actually it was doing pretty good i did great i was supposed to be on it and then i know we were about to be on i was about to do it the day the pandemic hit in new york when that pandy hit it yeah it did you did not and you flaked i didn't [ __ ] flake no you [ __ ] because i was like new yorkers i'm like an la snowflake idiot i'm in new york i'm like [ __ ] i'll go do the podcast right now everyone's like get out of new york i'm like i said yes to this podcast no it wasn't me our producer the producer was being they were scared of coving yeah yeah everybody who was scared of covert in my life they all got it but the ones who just came out were like listen i'm going raw dog it's like i kind of feel like covert showed up to my body when like there's too many viruses here we've already attacked this body enough this is too crowded this is too crowded but but it was a good you know it was a great show and like you know like yeah dude it's uh it's interesting to know when to call something i'm fascinated by that i usually get cancelled before i it's my idea to do something yeah but it's uh that's an interesting very mature adult thing to go you know like we had a good run yeah and like people you know and that's the thing like another lesson i learned like with the internet like people will create all their own narratives and it's just like it's been like a good lesson for me to just like let it go in like one ear and out the other because peop the things some people are saying about why we ended i'm like dude that is so not true but i just whatever i kind of feel like i mean i don't owe anybody we jonas and i both don't owe anybody an explanation of why it ended we know why it ended and we were just happy that the fans began happy people liked it i'm kind of obsessed with that you used to be a physical therapist i did i was i technically well i actually still am now i wasn't and now my license got reinstated during the pandemic governor cuomo from new york uh reinstated everybody but cuomo he never really got people hated him they've hated him forever they've hated him they got it so why did they vote for him because nobody votes in new york we didn't know and that now people would know but like i don't know [ __ ] i never voted for the governor or the i mean mayor de blasio in new york people hate him even chris doesn't vote i don't vote and but i legally can i'm not a felon as some of you idiots may think i'm not just not interested that's my father my father legally can't vote he's a felon for what he when i was a kid he um he served prison time uh before i was a kid when i was a kid for like you know loan sharking racketeering all like that he was never in the mafia i wanted to state my father was never in the mafia never was cool enough yes never was cool his nickname is tony balls but he never was in the mafia but he played like he was with those guys how do you avoid being in it and right don't you kind of if you know stuff you're in yeah well he that's the thing like my father my the reason why i knew my dad because at first my dad was like you know chris when i was a kid like we'd go have to go visit him in prison he would always tell me he'd be like you know they got the wrong guy like i'm innocent and i kind of was like no you're not like you know like your nickname is tony balls like i know your friends like aren't my uncles are all like goomba idiots but when um there was a humongous prison sting that happened in like 2007 2008 the fbi came and raided and like kind of put the final nail in like the new york italian mafia coffin and it was a big thing in the new york post front page of the paper 107 or 105 fb uh uh gangsters rounded up um and there was all their pictures and i remember looking at that photo on the front page of the new york post i was actually in graduate school at the time and i was like wow like 10 of those guys were at my father's barbecue three weeks ago like he is he does know them he was lying to me he's not interested in cooking human hands yeah you know what i gotta say though when the mafia was there i know when i was a kid we used to go to like uh the festival in like howard beach and like john gotti when we know how to put on a park john gotti would always give the kids cotton candy if anybody i remember one time this guy was like like um was like hitting his girlfriend or his wife these guys beat the [ __ ] out of him like the neighborhood was safe when the crime was there yes i know that they do bad things and i know the cotton candy was laced with pcp no but like i'm telling you that whenever new york was so much safer when the mafia was there i almost think like if you weren't a store owner or uh listen yeah listen you got to pay for protection but you're protected here's the thing it's like what do you what do you want do you want to be protected or do you want to get brickstone and let me ask you a question the mafia because i just did that podcast for wondering that was about sylvia berlusconi and in italy and there's an amazing book called gamora it's a an investigative book by this guy and published in 2006 which documents his infiltration and investigation of various areas of business and daily life in italy in the italian mafia okay and he got he got he got no news outlets would let him promote it like italy just shut down and would not let the book get sold he couldn't get an apartment all of a sudden it's like a crazy story of this guy right how does the mafia like was it initially conceived as what from what i understand to fill in the gaps that the government to provide the things the government wasn't providing that was the initial it was kind of like some robin hood stuff initially in sicily and then like anything else like like even the things that are happening in our country now there's always an over correction that's just as human beings we will always over correct we'll always go too far good or bad always go too far so yeah so the mafia then they started to you know go too far like they got when really when the maf the only issue ever is when the mafia started to get into drugs that's like the old school thing like that was one you shouldn't have done that's why john gotti when he came in and started allowing drug stuff that's when peop that's when a lot of problems start to happen it feels like unlike history hyenas like it feels like there's no good way for the mafia to be like should we just call it no it feels like once you're the mafia can't just stop here's the thing though here's i gotta be honest for as much as the mafia i mean listen you know they do dirtbags do they on the internet like are they texting like how has the mafia not gone down in the day of the interview i'm telling you this mark my words because nobody knows who really created it the mafia created bitcoin clip love it clip that that i'm telling you crypto the mafia created big pirate roberts is an italian from queens that's who it is that's who it is i'm telling you what pilot roberto and i'll be honest with you if with all the stuff like going on if the mafia was still around we would all be vaccinated what you know 100 you would we would all be vaccinated for 200 cash yeah you get modernise or whatever you want babe that's what they say they'd open it up you want johnson and johnson that's 250. i do have you seen this um uh show uh uh your honor no no you gotta watch it great is that that's without what's his face brian cranston right yeah and there's the there's i know emily it's emily's christmas we were sobbing watching it but there's this i don't and then whitey bulger i'm obsessed with and i do think and rogan talks about this a lot him and i were talking about it and i don't know who's talking about on his podcast the other day i am so attracted to dangerous men sure there's also it's very tricky because um the mafia just i mean i i i'm i'm in love with men it's so hard to not love men that's why i'm here my mother graduated from columbia university she's an ivy league graduate person and my father's nickname is tony ball i mean why are you thinking why do you think it's because my mother wanted a fling with a bad boy and then she [ __ ] up and now i'm here i remember being 17 years old and kind of questioning my mom like why did you do this right right like how did you pass every test to get into colombia and then you failed the tony balls one like my dad could have been elon musk or some [ __ ] no i want the guy that's killed someone i remember when i was watching that scene in black mass i don't like to admit this at all yeah and when he was choking juno temple i was like yeah that's my god about this and you know you know what i learned so much respect from my father especially like you know in certain situations in my life i'm like oh wow because my dad always had like the right intention but the wrong moves because his whole thing was always like hey like you need to protect women always that's what it is i got an engagement ring for my like seventh birthday that i just wore as a ring like i didn't know where it came from you know no my dad is all that's what the mafia is about respect and i remember like going into when i initially got into like my co-parenting situation i remember that my father you know and my mother divorced when i was one but my father always respected my mom like and always when i was a little kid he was like you always will respect your mom you're the man of the house i'm like i'm legit five but he was like you're the man of the house and so so i remember one time my mother started dating this guy who was actually one of my friend's fathers but anyway he dumped my mom and started dating a woman who lived directly across the street like my mom's boyfriend and my mother was heartbroken and my father used to come pick me up for like baseball practice or basketball practice whatever on saturday mornings and one time my mom he comes upstairs and my mom is like sitting looking out the window across the street to seeing if like her ex-boyfriend is going into this woman's house who lives across street and she was like crying and i was playing video games in my room because i was just like a snotty teenager and my father comes into my room he goes what's up what's why is your mother crying and i'm like well that guy that she was dating he she you know he dumped her and now he's dating the woman across the street and he was like you're gonna do something about that i was like i'm 14. like what what do you want me to do about it like i have psoriasis i have i've proactive my wild acne you want me to pop a pimple on his lip i can't do anything dad i'm a child and so my dad goes i swear to god he goes don't leave the room i'm gonna go get and he said like this he went executive goes i'm gonna go get bagels i was like okay you just did that telling me not to leave now i'm 100 gonna leave so i start to creep down the stairs like two minutes later i swear to god because my mother's looking out the window she starts screaming out the window she's like tony tony stop you're gonna kill him my dad i swear to god was beating the [ __ ] out of this guy okay his name was brian across the street beating him i swear he comes walking back it kind of felt like in goodfellas like when yeah that like when ray leona comes back he's like hide the gun karen i felt like karen i was like what do i do you know and he's coming back crosstalk i swear to god he's got like blood on his chin and blood on top of his shirt and he goes that was your job that was your job and i'm like again dad i have psoriasis and now it's flaring up because you've just tipped my emotions so now i have an itchy spell my mother's crying my dad and then you had all the tools you need to rip off your head gear and just [ __ ] start starting a [ __ ] yeah but my dad and then i remember we were you know we're leaving we went to staten island and then it wasn't until like two hours later we're sitting in traffic on the verrazano bridge which takes you from from brooklyn to staten island and he's like you know i shouldn't have done what i did back there right and i'm like yeah you know i know mom knows the police now we all know that that was a bad move he goes well i'm just saying next time you have to protect your mother don't just be playing video games you're playing [ __ ] sonic the hedgehog while your mother's crying he goes never let another man have to step in and do that you protect your women and i'm like okay and then and then i kind of felt that when i then i got because i got into a situation then where like you know my mother my it's crazy how like the apple never falls far from the tree either because oh god i hope it does no i'm [ __ ] if it doesn't well because my mom you know my whole life was her being like you know she's this ivy graduate my father's a criminal she would always be like honey like pronounce your r's you're not going to sound like your father you're not going to make that mistake i did you never succeeded [Laughter] like i just said she's like you sound like an idiot but anyway and she was like you know like she had this fling and she was like but you will not make that mistake you will get married you will do this you will do that and i and i went to school i listened to my mom i never gotten any trouble you know real truth name lynn love never gone into any trouble you know went through graduate school and everything and like just checking whatever you go to graduate school for i have a doctor in physical therapy wow that's right okay so that's okay so i literally i thought physical therapist could just kind of show up and dude no i thought so too like you own him in a nice bath it was such a confusing thing to like because i would never call myself doctor but like my my kids who i graduated with like we're gonna announce ourselves as doctor i'm like that's the stupidest thing ever like we can massage people's elbows like don't wait dude i i broke my shoulder right i fractured my shoulder this direction and tore my rotator cuff i went to physical therapy i literally every physical therapist so much i was like you're this isn't real this isn't a real thing when i you i broke my shoulder i literally had to take a thing and just do this yes for like 45 minutes for six months because all because the main thing when you hurt your shoulder like that is you don't want to get frozen shoulder that's was always trying to adhesive caps of light dude and then i had that that's [ __ ] impressive and then i had to do this i don't know if you can see it i had to just put my arm on something yeah and just gravity baby the swings but i wasn't allowed to use my it was so annoying and so hard and i'm still not sure if my therapist was accredited no i'm sometimes it looks like [ __ ] physical therapy and sometimes it probably is but i was a pediatric physical therapist so i worked with like mentally and physically uh handicapped kids so i felt like the impact there but when i was doing orthopedics yeah i first came out of school and i was like this lady's bitching to me about like a pulled muscle and a [ __ ] pinky like we take a break in this um uh emotional rollercoaster of two people that simply can't get enough attention and cannot say enough quickly enough uh to talk to you about my mustache so i've been informed by my lover uh who is just fearless he's a fearless man he points out hair is coming out of my moles he points yeah i apparently have a bunch of moles under my chin that have hairs coming out like like coarse lost pubes that have migrated north and he's recently pointed out to me that i have a straight up mustache i don't see it because i just shaved it with my billy razor amazing i i literally was like okay i'm because he was trying to pluck it with a tweezer and i was like we're not tweezing it just it makes me cry when i and i do that enough as it is i don't need help crying during the day and so i was like i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna get my billy razor and i'm gonna shave my mustache and i did it in the car not more not one nick that's amazing and if that doesn't make you want a billy raiser i don't know what will i've never had a positive experience shaving then i started using billion i don't have that problem anymore but razors i am like you guys know that when you buy something that's a product for a woman it's the same exact product for a man except it's like pink they charge you like seven dollars more the pink tax men's razors are like a dollar for like 57 of them and then three women's ones is like 20. keep them in the locked cases you have to ask someone yeah to unlock the case so that you can shave your taint it's embarrassing okay billy thank you for making shaving our hairy bodies a pleasant experience i don't have a hairy body you can go to mybilly.com to get their starter kit for just nine dollars it's so affordable it includes their award-winning razor two refill blades and cult favorite magnetic holder go to mybilly.com to meet the razor that everyone's talking about i also did my unibrow and it was the perfect it was perfectly like i did i just like what's good is that people are getting less sexually attracted to you they're an allure best of beauty winner and nylon's beauty hit list for a reason and to express a little love for our show go to mybilly.com whitney it's a small way you can support us while getting the best razor you will ever own it's just nine dollars to get your starter kit plus free shipping always go to mybilly.com whitney spelled my b i l l i e dot com slash which name and we'll give a 30 minute zoom call to the first person to shave their entire head with a billy goodbye if someone does that i'll fully i will fully go through with that next one not going to be worth it i am getting to the point to where i use doordash so much i don't even know how to order in person anymore this morning i have doordashed thrice and it's 10 15. i forgot to get coffee this morning and i thought well i'm just gonna have a morning without coffee and then i remembered doordash but no not only did i get a bunch of breakfasts that i would never like if i went to uh like starbucks or something in person i just like all the coffee and like i just i don't think to or but when i'm looking at the door dash i'm like i'll have a pastry i'll have the first i'll have a crayon crayon apple scone yeah it looks so much better on my screen right if a handsome man's going to bring it to me i will nibble on a scone i'll nibble on a skull but if it's just me in the in line i'm like that's those aren't for me they connect you with restaurants that you love right now when you give them the wrong address by accident right which i do most every time right they will call you and be like hey am i going to the right place and you're like no right i had a good four-minute chat yeah with a very charming man great customer service it was he was lovely and i get to start my day off making a new friend yeah and not only that you can get grocery essentials you need with doordash get drinks snacks and household items delivered in under an hour wow see it's feminism to order and not cook let's be honest let's be honest a true equality is thank you doordash they have over 300 for getting women out of the kitchen they have over 300 000 partners in the u.s puerto rico canada and australia mate you can support your neighborhood go to choose from emily needs one actively looking for one there should be a dating app called australian or choose from your favorite national restaurants like popeyes chipotle and cheesecake factory for a limited time our listeners can get 25 off and zero delivery fees on their first order of 15 or more when you download the doordash app and enter code whitney2021 that's 25 off up to 10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the door dash app in the app store enter code whitney 2021 don't forget that's whitney code 2021 for 25 off your first order with doordash subject change emily gets a b subject to change change oh my god i did it again should change terms don't forget that's whitney 2021 i thought you were so smart just because you can read it creeps up on you it'll get ya it gotcha it's a little early for a bean yeah just fyi this whole thing where we're trying to actually read ads uh properly so that we have sponsors and can continue with our show uh for you for you um uh we were doing the bamboozled jelly bellies and if you misread it you had to eat a jelly belly we both got the stink bug one and we currently are both having um a mental wiring issue where everything now tastes like stink bug and we're just puking it's called i'm gonna talk about it on another podcast but it's called dis on another podcast podcast i'm gonna go talk about i'm rogan you guys wouldn't get it let's wrap up this ad where do you live and are you moving to texas what's happening i'll never move to texas and and i love california but i'll probably never move here i mean i got to stay in brooklyn babe i got to stay in bay ridge i can't be too far from my mother bay ridge it's just like it's a place in brooklyn that like i love like i hope to one day like be able to like write a movie about this and maybe i should start trying now and stop waiting for somebody else to do it i want to do this but the the that neighborhood is so insane first of all i remember when i took my daughter trick-or-treating in 2019 they they were going to dress up as she she dressed up as um as a boss baby she's just oh she's six right she's five five have you ever had an argument over the halloween costume um have we ever no the only arguments i've ever had has just been with her mom like you know if her mom if her whatever her mom wants to do whatever her mom wants to do it's like we got to do it but me and by the way me and her mom are uh are back together now me yes come on here's what happened i got a while listen shout out she we got back together during quarantine she got a lobotomy yeah she got a lobotomy she forgot her memory she forgot about all the bad stuff that went on the mafia i had the mafia go talk to her you ready for this i had i had i had jimmy balls go talk to him yeah and now we have a second child on the way it's due july 4th i swear to god chrissy the patriot i'm naming it thank donald a guy yeah look i mean yeah what do you know if it's a boy or girl wait july fourth john wouldn't know yet we don't know if it's a no we do know she doesn't want to know because it's her third child so she doesn't want to know so but we uh i'm excited about it hold on how long were you broken up two years so so what happens with like dating in between do you tell each other i'm fascinated by this me and my dude broke up for like four months and i just found out that he hooked up with someone and i only went on two dates with someone and i'm listening here's the thing is is she you know she when when we got back together i kind of we both kind of said because when we first met because what i was saying before is how my mom got pregnant right away and was like you can never don't ever do that when i met my girlfriend you know six years ago she got we got pregnant right away she had a baby on like the second date and then we went is that true i swear to god and now and it's the best thing ever happened to me because you know i love my daughter and she changed my whole world at the time 30. it's almost like you having the kid and ra and and having her for five years turned you into the man that she could yes could be with her but but then when we break up and we're looking back and we're like oh you know like whatever we were great co-parents or whatever and then we had said you know when we were like oh if we ever had a chance to like do it over again like we would just date and do things you never then we go then quarantine how about this then quarantine happens we kind of you know we didn't hook up or anything but i was just like you know coming around coming around and then uh we i i leave and then i come back again in in we have like a monster now you're also someone she can actually justify dating but then i come back i come back at the end of august and we hadn't had sex in two years first night we have sex six weeks later she's like i'm [ __ ] pregnant again so we did the exact thing that we did for my first child for my second child just it just doesn't stop with getting her we just have kids you're it's yeah this is um the universe wants you to breathe i have children yeah but did you attempt to not get her pregnant were there any precautions in place we're always attempting we to pull and pray hello but jesus isn't listening and and and so and but listen we don't regret anything we're both like look we love being parents we love our child but my stepson you know who's 10 like he was confused he was like whose kid is this he's like well you're back and i'm like he's like okay he's like yeah is that whose kid is that is that my dad's kid he's like i want my family back i have this [ __ ] idiot in here it keeps coming back and forth that is so what a bummer man me and my stepson's father by the way are like this so my girlfriend hates it we [ __ ] love each other we like we love we love being friends we love our families and he's just like dude yeah and she's like why don't you guys like each other like he's the [ __ ] man why don't you ever break up with this guy he's got so much inside info on bitcoin it's unbelievable i'm obsessed with this uh my ex-boyfriend i sort of cheated on him with one of his like heroes it happens and he and then uh uh and then when uh he was like all upset we were living together i cheat with one of his heroes i kind of leave him for one of his heroes i'm with one of his heroes and he calls me like six months later and he's like do you guys want to hang out like he was like i'm over it like just i'm just curious if you guys want to maybe get dinner like i'm cool but see like but i get that because again if that happened to me if if my girlfriend left me for one of my heroes i'd be like you know whatever give me a couple weeks to work through it and then we can just jump back in let me ask you what is something that and your next kid you want to do differently than the first kid like all right i figured that i'm not gonna do that again not gonna do that again yeah or like i got it now i know to i think i think the one thing that i you know so far like with with my daughter i think that you know because i tried the first one's practice yeah yeah let's be honest this is a guinea pig yeah there's a couple of things that i'm like yeah that well that's going to be a lifelong issue that i just created but i didn't mean to but it's just something she'll be a very successful comedian yeah yeah it's what it is i think um i think with you know a lot of times with me and and and my girlfriend we kind of just would like not talk to the kids about like the problems we were having we would just like walk out and then come back and i didn't realize like even though my daughter was only one or two when we first broke up i was like her brain like she felt energy so so i i'm very hell-bent on like working it out with her and like being honest and up front with my kids about like everything because kids know and when you and when you um don't tell kids the truth if you're fighting with your person and you're like oh we were just doing an acting exercise basically we were just play acting they started to doubt their reality no i would i that's exactly what i would do there was a couple of times dad you're a bad actor yeah yeah there's a couple of first words i know there's a couple of times where i was like where i was like you know like you were arguing whatever and i i actually said that i'm she was like why are you yelling and cursing i'm like oh i was going over my line she's like i thought you got fired from beastmaster um i'm like i did that's why we live in this two-bedroom walk-up that's why i'm doing pre-reads for ciso yeah shout out yeah but no but me and her me and my girlfriend we're good now and we're and everything's good and we're working and we're trying to because we never really had a chance as a couple to every red flag that went up for me or for her we just had to like find a way to get around this because you know we have a child coming on the way and it was our first time we didn't we barely knew each other we're trying to figure this all out but now we know each other now we're like now we know like what pisses each other off so you know it's kind of like we don't do it unless we just want to start a fight then one of us will push that button and we get you know and one of us throws each other out every star fights we get jokes oh yeah i do it all the time it's so bad yeah it's so bad now here's the thing with my girl is you know there's i've learned if she wants to see your phone you give her your [ __ ] phone because because give her the phone yeah it's not worth it we used to live in this apartment let me just real quick if you just give it to us yeah chances are we'll go okay yeah well chances are i won't look through it if you just give it to me if you say if you stutter or you flip it over why do you need my phone you don't trust me now i need to go through it now i need to go through it yeah yeah because let's go yeah sure yeah and then she'll go oh oh yeah that was easy yeah because i know i learned that and i also were living in this apartment building on the 12th floor and she was like let me see your phone because she's like real dear puerto rican from brooklyn from sunset park she's like let me get a tattoo on her tit she's like let me see your [ __ ] phone and i was like i was like no i don't want to show you my phone she's like let me see your phone and i was like no i don't want to give you my phone she's like let me see your [ __ ] phone when this is there's no way out of that you're you're making it worse and worse and worse and i said what am i going to do what am i going to do what was your concern what was why did she do you honestly want to know what my genuine concern was but let me tell you something or what her concern so if you're if you show up to dinner and this is your phone and you flip it over i'm like yeah what are you doing just flip it just open oh just keep it up the concern i had is is there was like uh i had posted something and then an instagram like model had reposted it in her story and i had hearted her repost and i'm like oh that's business that's business but then also but then the other part was the other part was then there was like you know porn stars we were sending back and forth in the group chat it's always the guy's group chat that i'm like oh you can't do that and i just was like you gotta name the group chat mom and dad but she knows that she knows when i rename it she doesn't believe anything okay that's fair because i used to cheat on guys and name them yeah cheat with yeah wait on them yeah and name them like bank of america i know i should i got to think but but we were on this plate and i wouldn't give her my phone and like i said we live in the 12th floor so guys but let me slow down guys group chats yeah that's not cheating though no it's annoying as it is it's it's not cheating i don't love it right but there's a point in your life where you got to go guys send photos of girls to each other you're not allowed to send naked photos of your girls or girl yeah sending porn star photos back and forth like i don't love it it's not ideal but here's the thing though like if you go to france it's like there's no [ __ ] rules there it's like you can as long as you don't fall in love with somebody else it's not cheating like you could go have sex with somebody because they're like yeah you're a human being none of this is true i'm so sorry that chris is lying to all of you france is not like that at all guys um i watch the pink panther and i'm telling you it's true none of this is true he saw one nude beach assume they were all just [ __ ] violent i thought i thought in france the rule was just you can't fall in love with somebody not true i dated a french guy uh when i was 19 and another guy talked to me and he threatened to commit suicide that's my first thing in time in paris i felt beautiful i've never felt more loved in my whole life really oh wow it was really it was the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me he he threatened to commit suicide while i was eating a meringue in his uh parents apartment he and then his parents came home and i died in the closet for like seven hours with the meringue uh uh and wondering if he was commit suicide i used to have fun that was that's that's so funny listen i used to be a fun person that does sound like a lot of people so much anymore yeah i actually i actually looked him up on facebook recently and he has a bunch of kids and a wife and i was like i just uh oh emily's got the gun okay emily's got the gun what does that mean when i interrupt i get shot with a nerf gun oh why because i interrupt too much it's almost impossible to interrupt you but you've been you've managed what did what what was she even interrupting i didn't hear the rest of the story about your girlfriend going through your phone don't go to my phone is upside down oh yeah yeah oh that that yeah so i gave her the phone because we were living we were living on the 12th floor and she was getting madder and mad and married and then she kicked our air conditioner out the window so see it's good thing we came back to that yeah that's incredible she kicked her eggs she kicked director out the window and then i gave her my phone because i was like yeah hikes i'm obsessed with her but she's great yeah what happened um no and then and then what what happened is what always happens and then if 10 minutes later she's just not mad anymore she makes a sandwich and then she's like you know the kids are taking naps she goes come in the bathroom and lock the door and we have sex that's just what always happens is i almost think she starts fights with me because she's horny and then it's like so you want to scare me and kick the actors out the window and tell me you're gonna [ __ ] she told me she was gonna like disney world on fire because she thought i was going to disney with my daughter and another woman but i want my daughter and my mom but she was like i swear to [ __ ] god i will like disney world i'm [ __ ] fired i love her yeah yeah yeah it was crazy i was like i'm going with my mom i'm with my mom and our daughter she was like right let me find out you would another [ __ ] i will [ __ ] like goofy's ass on fire i am obsessed with him she's the best okay she's totally my hero but let me but now that you're in a a you monogamous relationship but this is yes what proactive things can guys do to avoid this because guys will be like oh no i'm just following a porn star when you reengage in a committed relationship with a woman do yourself a favor invest in your future self in serenity and standing unfold just unfold the porn stars if you need to go if you want to go to the pornstar site on your own time why do you just do a instagram hygiene phone cleanse that's what i do i just i don't follow anybody like that and now i always post i post my content that i that i need to post and then i get off i don't check the comments i don't check the dms i stay out i'll stay off this i'm pretty much off social media get ahead of it i'm ahead i don't want i don't want to you know what i mean because it's like listen dude like i'm just like it's all trouble there you gotta clean up your [ __ ] when you get in your yeah i'm saying you gotta tie up the loose ends i even when when oh random randoms reach out to me from a year and a half ago and they're like what's good i'm like just you know i'm like so that i've got the text right there if they text again i can say i drew a boundary i'm not encouraging this i'm not you know yeah yeah protect yourself and i don't care i mean you know like there's there's even sometimes like there's uh there's been a couple of like girls throughout the years like they'll send like a picture and i'm like i'm not responding to that and then they keep going like you're making me feel like a [ __ ] you're making me feel bad i'm like what i don't want to open your picture because if i was i wrote back to one girl i was like listen it's not me you need to worry about if my girl sees this [ __ ] you're [ __ ] she's gonna follow you home she'll jump out of your [ __ ] bathroom and she'll kill you with an empanada so you better be careful i would just tread lightly every girl that's in the podcast just tuned out yeah they were just like never mind yeah yeah no it ain't about me if if if she catches you so are you gonna get married um i the thing is she's to love my life i'm obsessed with her when you get married a little suffocating we need to take it slow we only have two kids two children's together i'm obsessed with her i don't know the marriage thing feels like a big step i don't know i mean maybe i mean we'll let's just we'll have our second child and then we'll see if you were going to propose um if i was going to propose how would i be bobbing and waving mommy yeah i'm sorry i know yeah if i was going to propose you never thought about this well here's the thing i did actually propose to her when she got pregnant when we had our first child because i was like yeah i was catholic and i was just like you know my mother was putting the pressure on my mother was like you need to marry her and i'm like you're right mom and then i proposed to her 25. at that point i was 30. okay and and i was like emotionally 25. i'm a dude 15. yeah and and um i proposed to her and then uh i just i i had her i did it outside of her apartment and i had her mom and her whole family like filming it and like um so you did it for tick-tock well at that time it was vine sweetie um so no i i did that because i was like oh like this will be like a fun video like we can like look back at and like share and then like two months later she was like well you know we're not getting married we're just it's not gonna happen and i was like okay and then and then um and then i and then we then we got re-engaged and then we kind of just it kept just like not happening but then we're like let's just be happy being parents and but now now we're i got to be honest with you i think we're very happy now being a couple and parents like i feel like we've grown so much as a couple going through so many hard times like i'm kind of like happy that the things worked out the way they worked out pose next time let's get what are we doing i'm good um i'll propose i'm obsessed with i came up with the best idea for andrew schultz's proposal he did not take my advice yeah um uh i'm good at pro i don't know i'm good at thinking of proposal ideas i want i suggested that he go into a uh photo um what are those things called photo booth photo booth and just bring it right there boom but then it's kind of a dumb because it's it's four pictures gonna do you could have a video of it you know what i'm gonna do she's got a couple of family members um who are here uh illegally so i think what i'll do is i'll make believe i'll i'll have my friends dress up like ice and they'll come in and and they'll be like you know wear ice and then one of them will come out and be like but i got the real ice and then they'll come out with a diamond ring and put it on but then also ask for their passion so now you're legal and we're not can we marry you yeah i know i don't know yeah i'm gonna marry all of you oh you're legal yeah i know i just did an episode on my podcast um chrissy chaos with uh i saw that do with with j with my girlfriend's uncle uh transgender uncle tt jerry who just got out of prison he was in prison for 25 years and he got married in jail so she was like what the [ __ ] like how does tt jerry get married and i still can't i've had a couple guys come to me with proposal ideas where i'm like no brutal dude i had a one of my best friends uh her husband made her do like a scavenger hunt and like like earn the ring it was very young i had to take her through like a scavenger hunt and not tell her what's going on like no i think that's power stuff because i think a lot of guys think like this is the last thing i get to be in charge of before the wedding what i'm saying right i no see that this thing the relationship bombing is just is very clear i have zero power and i am not in charge and that's just what it is i mean she you know she has my credit card and the money and that's about it because but i like that i don't like feeling the pressure they do in japan right the man earns money gives it to the woman and she's in charge of everything it's just easier that way because the scariest thing to me the scariest thing on the planet and the uh things is so gross is like an insecure guy uh every time i see an insecure guy i'm like oh shut up he's like oh my [ __ ] girl's doing this i'm like yeah dude you're a [ __ ] shut up dude just bow down that's what i do i just bow down to women true immediately bow down true power is being able to relinquish power or at least make other people think they have the power yeah yeah yeah i just no i'm i'm genuinely terrified of herself okay i'll tell you i also think something amazing happens in your life especially as comics because we i'll win eventually sure i'll i'll i'll hurt you yeah i'll i'll i'll destroy the way you perceive yourself yeah i'll i'm trained to say the meanest thing possible 100 i think about that all the time like there was a big there was a debate in my family what they were like oh because my daughter's name is delilah destefano and they're like oh dee dee dee dee she's going to get made fun of him like if anybody makes fun of my kid i'm a professional comedian i'll call [ __ ] david l and we'll write like legit roast level like i'll have a six-year-old and [ __ ] i'll their family will commit suicide dude you don't get heavy hitters dude comedians we don't if you hurt someone we love we're just too we are armed to ruin the way you see yourself forever as comics it's like i'm telling you dude try to make fun of my daughter or my kid or my stepson and see what happens just see what happens to you with words the words are going to hurt i don't need to beat you up i will i'll ruin the your brain yeah my daughter can read now that's that's you can you can heal from a bruise i'm going to hurt you in a way you can never heal you can never you know i'm going to take the thing that bothers you the most about you and your family and your body and i'm going to [ __ ] i'm going to give you an insecurity for their i'm going to give you an eating disorder 100 is what's going to happen dude you're going to be so miserable you're going to defect and join isis that's how much i'm going to [ __ ] ruin your life but your kid needs some adversity yes they do need adversity which is why you being a parent is enough that's probably all they need actually you know i have a cousin who [ __ ] planned her pregnancy she's the worst lady oh just like what do you mean pregnancy is not a bad thing no i'm not playing i didn't mean it like that she's the worst problem that's what most people do no no but we had i see i disagree i want to take the stand we did the unplanned pregnancy yeah and my kids are survivors okay we're not promoting unplanned pregnancies on the good for you podcast uh we support planned parenthood no i support planned parenthood do whatever you want your your your body your choice if you get raped keep it that's what chris is saying well i'm just saying i'm just saying that if uh my daughter was unplanned so the things she survived in the embryo yeah was insane but most of us weren't plant i mean certainly my generation if you're the second third or fourth kid you probably weren't playing yeah do you think like the winners of world war ii their moms were having planned pregnancies no way dude they were [ __ ] those kids out and then they were putting them in parachutes and going into nazis okay they were no they were sending them to work to work dude yeah but like my cousin you know she lives in maine and she's like plans everything and now her son has a [ __ ] peanut allergy i'm like yeah that's your fault lady my daughter the [ __ ] my daughter's mom was doing cocaine when we were two months pregnant because we didn't know that there was a baby nobody knew there was a baby happening so my daughter survived it all and she's great but you know my [ __ ] cousin's kid she's gonna be so cute because she's gonna stay small forever you know you wanted something she's the best but my cousin's kid i mean he has to blow out his candles on an ipad because he's allergic to candle smoke it's like dude you're a [ __ ] it's because your mother planned you that's the issue does uh delilah have any allergies delilah has zero allergies she's yeah no delilah friend of mine uh was worried about her kid a peanut allergy so she drove her to the emergency room they sat in front of the emergency room gave her a peanut and just sat there for an hour and drove off dude you know i swear to god we were in the pediatrician's office like three months ago when my dad my dad moved to tampa now but when he was there we took her to her pediatrician appointment and he was with me and i swear the doctor was a new pediatrician the doctor said we don't have her most updated chart he goes does she have any allergies and my dad goes yeah democrats and the pediatrician was just like uh limptard yeah i was like wow dad shut up that's cute that he comes to the pediatrician my dad you have to understand my dad like legit like may have assisted in hiding and dismembering dead bodies when i was younger or before i was bored that he loves my daughter on some level do you think he's falling around to protect her because he thinks that maybe his mistakes in the past could haunt the family that and i think he knows what a [ __ ] i am so he's probably like it might my son's not going to do it this kid's uh [ __ ] he's got eggs he couldn't beat up an adult he was 14. beat up his mother's boyfriend but no you know it's funny you know not funny but like cute when they moved to tampa my stepmom told me she was like oh she's like we were cleaning out the house moving she's like and we found this little doll that we had gotten when delilah was first born and it was like buried back and there was a little baby diaper on it and i'm like what do you mean and he was like she was like your dad used to practice diapers on your daughter's dolls and like we forgot she was like he would never tell you that she's like don't tell anyone that i was like well i'm telling everybody on whitney's podcast i'd always do my you know change my daughter's diapers even my girl gave me credit she was like i gotta be honest like you change diapers like you really get in there i'm like yeah absolutely like i you know i've i've cleaned [ __ ] out of you can't imagine where baby [ __ ] gets into my own mouth i mean her ears like i'm like how do you how did you [ __ ] in your ear but you just got to clean it out and do it i love it though and i love being like a girl dad so i'm this child if it's you know people like don't you want to be a boy i'm like not really because i just feel like you know i mean whatever i wanted to be healthy of course but i like just having a girl is there any like as like because i think that i and then we're gonna i'm gonna ask you one more question and then we're gonna get to games we have some games bent are you good baby yeah i'm great ben is about to come in and play games with us oh [ __ ] i love benton dude great hair i think he's got great hair he's an icon he is an icon he is that's good he's iconic yeah yeah you have the same hair as my mom that's that is that hair that's like my feelings my mom's trying to be trendy and cool i'm like i got a hook yard with benton wait did she did she die yeah yeah she's got the little guy your mom also got a tick-tock she was like great she blows past us all on tick-tock last question which is i feel like i'm always have hot takes with like this is something kids should be watching is this should little girls play with this toy like i'm always just in that area right and then i'm sure people roll their eyes like oh whitney no one was traumatized by wizard of oz or whatever is there any toy that your daughter has gotten where you're like don't love the message um i don't love it uh i was lucky i got i didn't get a lot of toys as a kid i got my little ponies mostly but my daughter has like 20 of them those are my [ __ ] i was a horse kind of girl yeah are there ever like movies or anything where you're like oh that's a weird message for a five-year-old yeah no man will save you white knight wait for the man like any of those where you're like honey that's not real well it's one of those things where like to be honest with you i guess like being in comedy and trying to be like aware of like everything that's going on because the thing is like you know being in entertainment it's like all these issues these hot button issues like they're in our world but like the average person like just doesn't care they're like oh i gotta figure out your child average how to like make money no i'm calling my child's mother average um and yeah yeah i'm kidding you know i know she heard that no but she there's a lot of times they're like i'll be like we were watching pocahontas the other day and i was like i was like i said to jazz and my girlfriend i was like i was like isn't it jasmine the name's jasmine my girlfriend's name's jeff okay and there's a disney movie called jasmine yeah princess jasmine but but pocahontas i was like isn't it like we can't like it's like kind of bad like they're saying like native american people are savages and call them savages and like john smith is like the white hero i'm like isn't that like no good for her to see and jazz was like no she was like my daughter she was like [ __ ] this you know she was like everybody wants to get all up in arms about everything my daughter can tell the difference between fiction and she yeah and she and my she said straight up to me she was like i'm gonna tell i'm gonna tell delilah as she grows up she's like honey when in doubt get yourself a white man she was like look at me she was like i got saved by two white guys and i'm like wow she said that to my face and i was like okay i have a feeling that jasmine would have been just fine without both of you both i know i don't have a stinking suspicion no you know what you're sinking suspicion or stinking speaking jasmine is the one see that's the thing she's the one that told me she was like i was like i was like oh like look we got a nice like multi-racial baby now half puerto rican half white she was like absolutely she was like and i'm gonna tell you i'm going to college she said she was like i told her she was like listen on college applications we're going to be puerto rican on job interviews we're going to be white she was like that's exactly what she said she was like that's how we're going to do this i was like yes so yes yeah so my point is like a lot of the stuff like i'll be the one who more will be like hey i think we should do this and this and jazz would be like yo stop being she'll always call me she's like you're gonna stop being a [ __ ] she was like my daughter will be fine she's like we'll be fine as women and i'm like okay all right i'm just trying to [ __ ] i don't know what to do i'm trying to help but a lot of times i just get it with comedians we see everything we just we everything we see is uh we're professional complainers we're professional critics you know so it's like every movie you see like honey don't look you know yeah i i'm always trying to like be like earmuffs or whatever but you know listen my my family's like very like kind of like old school too like i have a cousin who's a firefighter like she's like a was the only one in her graduating fdny class and like she's like one of like the toughest people men or women i know i know like i remember somebody tried to break it to her house when we were 19 and she threw the burglar out the window i'm like so this girl like she just doesn't like sometimes the women in my family i have to be like hey wait how old was this bird like what dude i'm i'm coming back oh so who says burglar i go old school who says this scalawag thanks galloway because rap scallion came right up to the window both our moms were at work my cousin used to live we all grew up in the same house and my mom and her sister and her kid that's my cousin and we and i was coming home from like the store both our moms are at work and i see the police and fire department on our block and i'm like oh my god they're right at my house i thought something horrible happened and then i see this guy in handcuffs and he was like my arms are broken and i'm like what the [ __ ] happened i go in and my cousins she's like yeah somebody tried to break in and i'm like what did you do she's like i threw them out the window i was like oh okay crazy um did you see that sebastian maniscalco the intruder in chicago no okay so i know his bit when he said he would shoot his intruder with a bow and arrow did he yeah that's right no he oh his cousin or something like that killed somebody no so um sebastian mascalco's cousin is named sebastian mezcalco yeah and he lives in chicago and i guess someone thought they were robbing or burgling as you as sebastian and they [ __ ] with the wrong maniscalco yeah not that sebastian couldn't have handled a burglar he could have i just feel like he'd be like let me take off my yeah my bedazzle jacket first before we handle this i gotta do my hair from it to just handle this like a gentleman and then uh yeah the guy uh he he went in the cousin whose name is also special metascalca was the victim of a home invasion two masked men came in wow cousin maniscalco shot and killed a 58-year-old man larry in self-defense after bradley finnen who cares about these [ __ ] forced their way into the home in arlington you're exactly right they were planning to steal two hundred thousand dollars they thought was inside the home well don't [ __ ] around that's the thing if you want to mess with like even sometimes like older people you everybody about that story is with italians in general italians are generally kind of a rule i'm learning or also like older guys there's a story i feel like it was in colombia maybe somebody tried to like a senior citizen like old you know boss was going around like touring colombia and these colombian guys got on and tried to rob them and one of the guys had fought in world war ii and he broke the the robbers um clavicle and it stabbed him in the heart and he killed him on the bus and like but then they like went on and like just like went to like the early bird special like he was like yeah i've killed nazis you don't think i can kill this colombian idiot with a [ __ ] handgun it was a wild story i was like what and like colombia was just like yeah thank you i feel like once the collarbone's out of your body like you don't need to stab the person in the heart it feels like you know he stabbed him in the heart with his collar bone he broke his arm and then his collarbone stabbed him in the heart like in inside his body and he killed steve irwin yeah it's just what happens but that's that's why you don't mess with old people they know how to do stuff dude when i see old people like in public uh like they'll have a band-aid on their face for like three days but you know what old people will cut themselves shaving and they'll just have a piece of bloody toilet paper like young and they're saying i dude yeah i will never [ __ ] with you i never [ __ ] with you at all when i was at one time i was a physical and on all those the war veterans they all fight with each other like they think like it's like the things they were saying i'm like what i used to be a physical therapist at um the va hospital the veterans hospital in new york and i remember one of the rounds i was doing was in the same at the same time there was a world war ii vet a vietnam vet and an iraq vet and they all had sex i would listen to that podcast dude and they all had suffered like war injuries and stuff and like the world war ii vet would call the vietnam vet and the iraq vets [ __ ] they'd be like you you didn't do this you didn't do that what did your tanks have they know how much napalm have you snorted that's what one of the world war two guys said the world war zoo was like he was like [ __ ] napalm he was like what is that [ __ ] he was like i killed nazis with my bare heads he's like okay you killed a couple of vietnamese whoopty [ __ ] dude nazis were stronger to be fair they were on methamphetamine they were on drugs dude yeah they were on drugs i know dude it's i know [ __ ] panzer chocolate the nazi nazis that stuff i mean they would literally be on methamphetamine oh they were on fully like they called it tank chocolate they would just take a pit of tank talking and go wild that's why you ever see those old videos of hitler when his arm he was like legit there's a drug addict that's what that is and that's how they got so much done in such a short amount of time their nazis created crystal methods that wasn't like given to them they made it yeah it was wise and what was the thing about you because you know so much about history rogan uh told me about this one tonight how they would scar their faces really yeah they would scar nazis would scar their faces at just to look scarier well you know the whole like skull and bones like when you look at skull and bones you're like ooh poison or negative that wasn't even a symbol before the nazis the reason why we look at those symbols skull and bones and think like danger is because that was on nazi tanks dueling scars the badge of honor of many nazis they were part of the original fight club an underground fighting gang and they would uh uh when you got a certain rank they'd give you a giant scar on your face just so you look like a scary but you know what history is interesting because i read this i like to read books how do we know any of it's true well that's the thing i always like i i hear i heard the american versions of history all going through high school and college when i go back and i look back at my my uh i was helping one of my nieces with zoom school i was like i didn't learn this is i learned that columbus came over and found in america it's totally different textbook i wrote this i read this book the nazi symbiosis it was called it was about like symbiotes sorry you know what i mean hey what's up i'm [ __ ] chrissy stupid ass um um i i uh i read this book and and it was all about how the nazis became the nazis like what what was it before the internet before the internet and it was like all the ideas they got in the in the holocaust for like gene therapy and like all this like you know stuff that they would like you know take holocaust victims and like do horrible things and try to like mix their genes and their blood to do that they got that from the british and the americans they were the ones doing it first and they were the ones like gregor mendel like kind of like with the um you know trying to manipulate the p's uh appease genes and do that the nazis were like oh they're doing it that's where they stole the science and then allegedly according to this book you know the west uh the allies knew like churchill and and fdr knew that what was going on in the holocaust but they were yielding results the nazis were yielding results with like there's a lot of things that happened with medicine like out of the holocaust and they were like oh let's not raid that until you know because they're getting these results we can make money and doing this it wasn't until they stopped getting results and hitler kind of went off on you know and was like oh i want to go attack russia and kill everybody in russian he was like just kill everyone in the holocaust camps and they stopped doing science then they liberated the camp so sometimes it gets murky with history i'm like ah not everyone's all good or all bad here and also it's like i'm doing this thing um this project uh uh in harpers ferry everyone's heard about it um that i work with but in harpers ferry west virginia where the john brown great that's beautiful the john the harpers ferry west virginia house so it's one of the craziest thing i've ever craziest sceneries i've ever seen in my life so my dream is to renovate that hotel my dad managed it when i was a kid right there where the john brown raid and growing up i would uh my babysitter was the john brown waxman robert e lee came in he was the one leading the chart exactly right uh george washington surveyed the property when he was 17 years old it's the most beautiful property i've ever seen in the united states thomas jefferson said it's the only view worth the trip across the atlantic it's just beautiful it looks like narnia it looks like new zealand yeah my goal is to have movies come shoot yeah to bring money they have a candy store there where they make candy shops yeah that's right and so this is the john brown museum we'll show some images shout out john bleeding kansas when i grew up i would go to this john brown museum is the most terrifying thing on the planet do you think john brown's hot or no this he's so hot i know a lot he was played by a one ethan hawk in the uh and looks kind of like yeah john brown's a honey was a hottie and he he was the first um you know that was i mean maybe not the first and it just wasn't documented like i whenever you read this history and i'm getting all these documents that there's like literally no history on like discovering all these like slaves that like no one's ever written about sure you know uh in these revolts that no one ever documented their lives and finding journal entries and stuff like there's so much stuff that we just like do not [ __ ] know or we know through a lot a lens that's just not true but i would uh spend my childhood that's probably why i'm such a twisted person at this wax creepy ass john brown wax museum and uh it's my dream to rebuild you grew up in harper's ferry i spent my summers there that i that's amazing i like la i wanna i wanna i need to make sure my daughter sees that place so look i will take you i'm going on the 20th let's go so look i've got i can't because of covid oh this is like the deck in west virginia uh uh um they have the mobile vaccine places in west virginia like they'll pull up to your house and give you a vax like subutex vans for opioid over there's there's some vans but they're not okay west virginia is fascinating there's flip sides they were on the confederate and the union well west virginia was the first one said we're not doing slavery they broke off to say we are not doing slavery no for west virginia to now have this reputation for being like backwards and please watch the documentary hillbilly by ashley york if you have not she's actually directing this yeah but you know why but that in my in my opinion from the research that i've done that's the confederate that's confederate slander it's from this day it's like because they were pissed and when west virginia flipped sides and lincoln led virginia so now the confederacy was like okay now we're going to [ __ ] west virginia and say that they're hillbilly backwards people when they never really were time for a second break from christa stefano he was he was being too funny we need to slow down yeah we need to get back yeah we need to get back to us and uh i think that if you've been listening to this podcast you're probably going whitney has a boyfriend how is he possibly getting an erection with that personality and that mustache shaved it did you guys see her earlier i shaved the callback uh so look ed is a big part of my life e d d that's a big deal uh it's a big part of my life as you may know because of the um uh uh my general vibe you know i don't see that i'm a vibe killer like as soon as as a guy wants to get i'm like did you wash your hands let's go like where did you wash your yes i get ut eyes and i have this i have they're not supposed to do it with their hands i know well no if you're gonna put your hands all over my body and inside my body i'm like let me see your nails i'm dating a rock climber his nails are full of rocks and like just who knows like powders and i don't know what they do but it seems it's it doesn't seem sanitary he's in a quarry most of the time i just so i like kill a vibe yeah i can kill a vibe fast i can see that so his foreplay is washing his hands yes but the rock climbers can't get their hands wet because it [ __ ] up the skin calluses so i'm like use a sanitizer it's gotta burn a little the whole thing's a nightmare but the point is roman comes in very handy uh to get him back your man back up and running when your personality has killed the mood with roman you can get a free online evaluation on carrying ongoing care [ __ ] for sorry the word care just might have said right right right uh for erectile dysfunction from all the comfort and privacy of your own home you have to be embarrassed yeah not at all a licensed healthcare professional will work with you to find the best treatment plan if medication is appropriate it ships to you free free two-day shipping so you can get that boner back up and running in time for bada-bing the new stormy daniels joint here's the thing a lot more guys are getting erectile dysfunction these days i don't know i'm not saying every guy i've ever slept with nope but uh but with porn you guys are watching a lot of porn the pandemic right it's a guy you know a lot of stuff is being done digital so by the time you see a real woman these days you might just panic right right you're like what they have pubes since wet take care of your erectile dysfunction without leaving your home complete an online visit today to connect with a healthcare professional and take care of it handle it go to getroman.com whitney now you'll get 15 off your first month it's really time to take care of your ed and remember get started today and you'll save 15 on your first order of ed treatment my dad's name is ed so that was like it's just weird to read it sorry daddy i love you you think you're down listen to this that's so true honey okay and that's it [Applause] okay so ritual vitamins play a very big role in my life and the irony is that i've been using ritual vitamins since before i started this podcast and i've been singing from the rooftops how much i love ritual vitamins getting my friends uh into virtual vitamins but now that their sponsor i cannot seem to talk about them without saying the wrong thing or getting in trouble oh the irony is i love this product so much but i i'm like it changed my life and my hair's like i believe it's done so much for me but i think legally i'm not allowed to say most of the compliments i want to say about it so i'm gonna let emily take it i'm too enthusiastic too enthusiastic you love it too much i love it too much ritual is a multi-vitamin reimagined look this is the uh vitamin look how cool it is it's you can see it and it's a minty smell is it gonna smell like a chili no it's not gonna oh that is refreshing like you take it so that you don't have like a nasty wharf burp after it oh great this is me during the virtual ad i have to i have to duct tape my face okay let's just we can make that a regular thing a multivitamin should contain key nutrients and forms your body can actually use to help fill gaps in the diet no shady extras ritual's delayed release capsule design delivers high quality nutrients including vitamin d3 in just two daily pills rituals designed with your life stage in mind now available for women men and teens ritual multivitamins are scientifically developed to help support different life stages get key nutrients without the bs ritual is offering my list get key nutrients without the bs rituals offering our listeners 10 off during your first three months visit ritual.com whitney to start your ritual today okay so now we're going to play some ridiculous games benjen is going to explain what's the first one so we're going to start off with um doing one where we're going to go through all we're going to go back to old tweets [ __ ] and we're going to see if you guys can guess the three of you can guess which comic these tweets are now they're all people that are like your friends so they're nobody like randy a year old or like they're old so you don't need to know how i'll deal okay um if they're mine can you not be yeah please we're gonna start with this one okay how are all these women so pissed off about wearing masks um wait no who wrote this if it that sounds like bobby lee if it's spelled wrong how are all these women so pissed off about wearing masks but okay with wearing underwire push-up bras and thongs whitney that's something that's me that's a hundred percent whitney is that me i was gonna yeah i first i went that's a good joke yeah you said i like that it is wrote wrong and you if it's right wrong it's bobby lee what idiot wrote that i know i was gonna catch whitney or donald trump that's right whitney or judy judy to shout out judy teduna okay next one imagine someone gifting you their dick pic in one of those homemade macaroni picture frames for valentine's day that um imagine someone [Music] gifting you their dick pic in one of those homemade macaroni pizzas no what did you used to be roommates with andy last night didn't i make that up yeah no no i was me andy letterman and mike racine i don't know if you know you never date i don't annie and i never dated no it's so funny and i never tried to date i never did that any yeah yeah yeah i never did it yeah dude who doesn't [ __ ] love danny best the best i we started doing open mics together the same time in new york city i was so scared of her for so long and i'm so bummed how many years we lost together because she wore such big hoops and a belly show women that just wear cut off belly shirts at night to do stand-up i just was like dude i'm i was just i love her she's so nice dude and then before the pandemic we just like we're like oh no yeah we're obsessed with each other but we were like like panthers at the comedy store we kind of never never talked you know and now yeah i can't get out of my [ __ ] house [ __ ] annie um okay next one oh we don't know who that is macro dick picking a macaroni um dick picking america macaroni is it um uh taylor tomlinson um no no um give us a hint is it not a woman no it's a man aunt that's just really trying to write jokes these days yes follow him i drink almond chocolate milk i'm gay that's me that's me yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's me i drink almond chocolate milk i'm gay yes and that wasn't me that was that was my father actually i just was paraphrasing all the responses back to you are they they're all were saying why did you write this sentence backwards i drink almond chocolate milk instead of i drink chocolate almond milk well because i'm christy dyslexia and i i love that you didn't give a [ __ ] you were just like no at the time i meant it yeah no i don't care i'll just keep it up i have a huge gay following shout out and the biggest transgender fan base on the east coast that's a fact last one instead of saying i like garment parmesan wings you can just say legally i'm not allowed to see my daughter [Music] it's a good tweet that's so funny that's a funny tweet that's well written who is that that's a greg geraldo i was gonna say man that's is that something oh that's a good compliment uh uh colin quinn david tell david it's gonna be a guess there's a tweet um to clarify old tweet not an old person it's an old tweet not an old person is when you say who it is all right who is it tell me it's tim dylan tim dylan timmy no that's a very old tweet because he's not like trying to start some [ __ ] yeah january 25th 2001. oh really he didn't tag airbnb i thought that how could it be timmy i don't recognize it without you tagging rogan wait that tweet is 19 year 20 years old no what 20 21 is now i know you said two you said 2001. uh whatever i'm disliked it too there it is now what are you gonna bully everyone welcome to the squad yeah exactly how do you know what it feels like we have meetings on thursdays and tuesdays nobody won that who lost everyone literally no one got one that's the other game actually one because i knew the whitney tweet i'm the only oh yeah you're the only one to get a point well i guess my own please so you just have to eat a jelly i mean what was the the consequence there was no consequences okay so what's the next one the next one is comedians uh heads up i know the next one is i thought is that what you want to do yeah let's do it okay so i'm gonna put a committee on my forehead and you guys i have to guess who it is based on you guys either saying they're jokes you can't say their name you can't say their podcast you can't say a name of their special you can't say um anything that's going to give it away immediately yes you have to each it has to be something in their act or an impression of them i think we'll all guess whitney's and then when it's your turn we'll get yours very scottish very self-explanatory you have a but if i hold this up we need to get rid of the monitor because i will see it so let's lose oh yeah we'll all see what i'm saying so do you guys do these games every week or is it a new game no just when we think a guess is going to be boring thank you well yeah i am putting on emily while you're here okay great i sue okay ready i can't see it okay okay um i love cars cars there it is so now it's chris's turn it's my turn got it pick one all right so i pick one okay and i just put on your forehead okay hold on i know because i saw that one so i wanted to um um uh um oh ucb um witch hands apples um trolls goblins i mean can we say broad city like um i got chipped um uh she just got married her wife's really hot [Applause] it's so funny okay then emily okay this hasn't we've been burning bridges yet this is shocking quick let's flip it over oh oh glasses all the time yes they're like not whitney cummings i was like what you're telling me [Laughter] i look like her now snl old school no the the the most iconic female comedian uh after may west and before joan rivers philosophy yes there you go she was an snl what's she not looking for loves whitney friends good friends with danny letterman thank you yeah do like he's so talented the one communion you like so talented his family they own like all the same who they dated can they say who they are they will his family will press a button and he will die i don't think a lot of people know that i'm sorry well there you go wrong person who pisses off all right here we go uh turn over oh uh i don't know um oh um it's a lot of this when they're on yeah i'm visionary brilliant your hero you're a hero wow oh yes by the way everyone froze when they came up and they're like everybody was like she's a great staff okay turn it over um thick boy cauliflower here is it brendan yeah good job okay turn it um tick tock big t big all tick-tock top exploding tick-tock tick-tock quarantine yeah to quarantine tick-tock trump someone i tried there you go yes yes yes yes yes that could have gotten way meaner she's a unicorn uh she ready she's ready oh she's six nine [Laughter] uh kevin hart tiffany yeah she's blaming other people i know you know what okay guys we're good at that i know this is legit i mean i'm not but you guys i haven't got one wrong yet um mine are very easy i know you're getting really easy ones um i'm surprised we haven't uh hurt anyone's feelings yet let's heard emily here we go tom uh uh she has a great joke uh she's uh um um babies have skills of justice skeleton gloves shoes loves is like she's from the 20s yes she's very tiny her husband is definitely circumcised her husband natasha um of the queen the queen of the red carpet um yes the babe the great my favorite uh-oh um yeah was that that was a catchphrase that or like that was an [ __ ] that's not city um okay let's do one more round okay turn over um turn around i mean it has billions of john dollars he has everything except a right arm oh yeah he's a great basketball player he loves fans amazing athletes incredible basketball players i don't understand that was the most painful looking break i've ever seen it was crazy he has everything except the right arm it made no sense the way he felt i'm sorry again i i know it's really serious but i i really lose my [ __ ] when people fall and i just can't stop that one was brutal though i was like oh my god emily fell the other night at the i'm sorry she fell at the improv and she fell hard hard i'm doing a show on friday night uh in tomorrow night uh yeah come do it uh there's there's a lot of cool like outdoor shows popping up okay i'll text you because i've been dying to get on stage yeah inside's gonna be soon but yeah it's uh these outdoor shows you're on a stage it's like 50 150 people outside it's a blast do you ever do the shows here anymore uh where and you didn't choose to do that i used to do them outside here yeah i always do i was doing that for a while and i'll go back to doing it um but it was like i was paying so much money for testing you know what i mean and then all right i'll find out what's going on the internet like you're spreading it oh god get out of here turn over um she opens everything but this is the best joker so many dead babies babies anthony jones yes yeah dead babies my teenage years uh turn it over um uh just pulled this show off of netflix he put he put that c symbol on the side of a ventilator if you could um he took his show off of netflix he lives in ohio yes okay last one turn it over we already did it oh did it did it [Laughter] christopher reeves that's great that's literally christina's yeah tom segura is the new superman that i need to see that movie and then are you on tour yes uh well uh no right now um because i'm doing the show hosting a show for true tv called backyard bar wars can you try to wait uh find a way to not make a racist joke yeah on the show yeah you know yeah i kind of i kind of i told them as soon as they hired me i was like you've listened to my podcast right and they were like yeah we wanted to be edgy i'm like okay they always say you listen to the first 10 minutes yeah and we're like this is fun yeah no no no no no no i went they asked me on the mask uh dancer to be a judge and i went out there brian austin green was one of the judges who i fully was in love with when i was a kid and i went and paul abdul was there and can ken dr ken and ashley tiso and i just went out like guns blazing i was like i'm only here to [ __ ] brian austin green that's what i wouldn't love it they stopped down yeah all like five people came out with like clipboards and they were like you we need you to truly stop like it was like because there were people in the audience and it was being recorded and they're like we need you to stop talking but um but you know what though like it's a kid's show but it's also a kid's show but that's why i love doing the podcast that's why the podcasts are so beautiful because like we don't have to be in that box we could just be comedians and like be the group of people that say things you're not supposed to say to like give relief to society and also we this is you know that we like to go into dangerous territories yeah even if we're we uh uh say things we don't mean or we just we have to be able to like have these uncomfortable conversations and be wrong and we're idiots we're comedians like why don't why i don't understand why now there's this thing where like comedians jokes define who they are it's like they're jokes it's like if i'm making a joke about it because i probably feel the opposite of what i just said yeah yeah you know what i mean because i'm joking about it yeah but that's why i love doing podcasts on my patreon like that's why i i feel like patreon just saves you know what i mean in a really a really uh big part of what comedy is is devil's advocate and defending something you find reprehensible like as a comedy exercise being like i'm pro gold diggers here's what like it's just like no dude it's where in a way we're failed lawyers i think in two like amongst comedians it's like you can't be hateful and funny it's like one of the other it's like the people get in trouble because they're like oh it's just a joke it's like no you're it wasn't even remotely funny we know that it's not funny because your heart is filled with hate but us it's like you know we're just like we're just making jokes because it's to give relief to the groups you know but people are like you can't you can't say that word so it's like [ __ ] them we stay on the podcast stay in the patreon patreon.com christy comedy and just that's where we live and if true tv finds a joke from 10 years ago they fire me good i'll just come back here fine yeah it's like it's so bulletproof great it's almost like that's why i love like the andrew schultz and the tim hat didn't make a mistake 10 years ago it's like yeah it's like even like there was like a uh in my daughter's school her teachers went out um and were like you know bars are open in new york outdoor dining they were like they went out and had a drink during the parent teacher conference and one of them posted on the instagram and then they sent to the teachers uh to the parents could be like look at our our child's teacher drinking i'm like she's 25 years old like if she wasn't drinking if you were teaching children all day wouldn't you need a drink i was like do you know my kid you know [ __ ] hard you hung out with your own kids this is so yeah dude so many of my parents friends are sorry about somebody my parents friends so many of my friends who are parents yeah they uh are complaining about they're like zoom schools so often my kid i'm like yeah you're you just had to spend time with your kid finally yes your kid kicks me in the shin every time they come your kids are [ __ ] oh my god dude i mean quarantining with a five-year-old it's like i was welcoming cole but i was like two weeks on a ventilator that's a vacation for me every teacher should get free scotch at five o'clock yes i was like but these people are just canceled crazy it's like shut up also there it is i think there's a uh uh a real absence of a important and kind of boring conversation about addiction because these are also people that are addicted to self-righteous indignation and we are like there it's cancelled culture it's also a lot of people that are truly addicted to the internet addicted to the adrenaline they're getting from this and we're we a self-righteous indignation is an addiction like alcohol drugs sex or anything else also we have to have compassion for that as a comic what do you think is a cancelable offense like what would you be like that as a comedian i think anything on stage or anything that's an attempt of a joke to me no matter what it is no matter how big of a swing you're taking you missed it's okay it's off the stage stuff if you do something that's a violation of our societal rules like you murder someone you rape someone you do something like that something illegal but even that i'm like even like stuff like that my whole thing is like like let's say like the bill cosby thing it's like why did we i as an as a citizen like why did i even know what was playing out be like we have a court of law like he goes to he goes to the trial he goes to the court he's he's judged by a jury of his peers and then he goes and does the appropriate sentence why is all everything this trial by twitter [ __ ] is very very very dangerous and scary but it's always happened it just it happened at water coolers that happened in people's homes like you know and it's it's tricky we've always had a version of this that's the other thing we've always had the roman coliseum there's a lot of good that comes out of that yes but there's also like so much over correction over correction behavior does have to change but we go like i think you have to go super far to come back and there's just going to be people we ask for change we won't then we don't allow for the change but also when we go so far and get sanctimonious about it it makes the people that do need to change not want to learn yes and so it shuts people down everybody self-righteous and that's the thing and what the self-righteousness and the narcissism comes well if you know if everybody is a criminal then nobody's a criminal you know what i mean if everybody is is this piece of [ __ ] because of x y and z then we all are it's like there are people that do bad heinous things that need to be tried and removed from our society but i believe when they serve their penalty whatever they are judged of our peers come up with yeah then they should be allowed back in society they have now paid for their crime i feel like especially doing this episode that i did on my podcast the christie chaos podcast would tell you don't listen to it yeah if you don't want you don't have to tt jerry you know was in jail for 25 years talking to someone who's like a convict who wants to better their life i was like he was like you know i come out and then i still can't get a job people still look at me as a criminal but i paid my 25 years i you asked me i committed a crime when i was young and i'm sorry and i stayed in jail for 25 years so why am i still treated like an outcast and i was like that's so true like anybody who does anything i'm not saying you have to give them their exact job back that's you know it's private citizens whatever but it's like to just be like oh you're still a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] get away you can never vote again it's like those exact people that need to vote they've been in the in prison yeah they know about more outlaws than we do yes absolutely and according to tt jerry they all love donald trump so we need their votes for 2024. and like it's just um you know i think the difference there is that when we cancel celebrities it's like oh you have so much right that we don't we don't ever want to see you again because you're fine right whereas what you're describing is like that's terrible yeah yeah yeah and i think that and and look like you know it's it's hecklers like i think you know hecklers they don't know the damage they're doing and i think a lot of people on twitter i think a lot of times they don't know the damage they're doing if i may like not to sort of defend people that are intentionally trying to ruin people's lives but i also think like there's this carelessness especially among really young people that haven't made mistakes yet and they don't they don't understand human flaws they don't understand you said that dumb thing once because you were trying to impress someone and you felt like [ __ ] when you said like yeah you know i'm saying it's like half the [ __ ] i look back at that i'd probably cancel i'm like dude no one was you thought that joke was worse than like trust me i i i'm way uh more mad at myself than you could ever be they're living in a different world they have information we never had they've only lived this way yes that's true we didn't yeah different movies different shows different jokes and they take like one one microcosm of a person like i mean 160 characters in a person's life to define them and then you make a judgment call on that human being it's so ridiculous i've never gone out of my way to trash a comedian that i didn't like like like are an artist or something it's like the idea of like i just don't [ __ ] with that person you know that people are like we need to cancel this person that like they're not even fans of they're just going out of their way to just throw grenades at people they're not it used to be you just didn't go to the show you didn't buy their album you participate yeah and it's just kind of like you know like with that whole thing it's like if you're going to be acting actively out there trying to cancel someone then it's like you better be squeaky clean yourself because that camera with that spotlight will always turn back on you and nobody's perfect nobody i mean good people do bad things better do good things i mean it's just what it is [ __ ] martin luther king was the greatest person of all time used to beat the [ __ ] out of his wife hitler's a horrible person he was a vegan and loved animals like what do you want me to tell you christy comedy.com you're just hell bent on getting canceled right now just because it gets frustratingly annoying sometimes you're like everybody's a bad person now also the scale keeps moving yeah two years we could be like what something we thought was correct now yeah yeah just be wrong just be wrong by the way we're allowed to be wrong it's like canceling john wayne like what are we what are we like oh god everyone knows he's an [ __ ] like i don't think anyone like does your grandmother's john wayne poster on her wall bother you so much they went after john wayne from being like racist or whatever and it was like of course he was racist my grandfather said racism i get like taking down statues because you don't want to you know memorialize things but it's like you can't erase history like my daughter i will tell my daughter why the confederacy happened i will tell her why nazism happens so you don't repeat it but but now i feel like this whole movement where it's like so she doesn't just erase it because she would she would your daughter oh you would 100 absolutely i gave her an iron cross for her birthday i had it signed um no i'm just like so that to me and as comedians we're just like you know what we do and i'm just like man like these people because because the irony of it is is when you go into a room like for online when you're not in cyberspace you're not on the internet when you go into the room and it's all different people of races religions they're all just laughing in unison so you're like is it was it a problem or is it just a problem in cyberspace in this one realm but the cyberspace realm has implications in reality so sometimes it gets dangerous where you're like wait the person who's tweeting trying to get so-and-so canceled probably doesn't even care about what they did they're just narcissists they just want the power for themselves but they go on the water cooler the next morning probably have the exact opposite views but that person's life got [ __ ] up in real life totally you know what i mean but i will say about comedians as someone that just brought this conversation up i love it there is a point where we do have to stop giving it like we're professional complainers and we when we we're the ones that have blown this out of proportion oh no no yeah so my thing is like we complain about hot pockets like comedians will complain about anything yeah and so some like there'll be a couple tweets quote cancelling someone and then we'll make it yes we'll talk about in every podcast every podcast we'll retweet it and it would have probably just gone away had we not exhausted it always goes away and now you don't it's you don't really at least in our field you don't get cancelled by you know evian water or some company you get cancelled by other comedians now it's other comedians going out there and being like [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] you by the way it never happened when we were seeing each other every night at comedy club now that everyone is is at home they're just throwing each other under the bus like we used to have to you know it's been interesting to see that like everybody can like turn on dude i think most of that stuff is like i think half the time we're fighting with someone on twitter too it's not even real people dude i believe 95 of them are russian bots i believe it's other countries trying to cause diversion and the fact that we're responding to it is just like so silly i feel like sergey in moscow just laughs his ass off he's like he think really real also people are allowed to be upset like that's the other thing if you're upset about that joke like you're allowed to crazy don't come to the show anymore unfollow i don't know where your childhood was i might have walked into [ __ ] and triggered you i mean jim jeffries got knocked out on stage when he made a joke about suicide because some in the audience's brother had just committed suicide like we don't know what okay we're walking into we don't know what stage of healing you're at like but it's also it's like i think it's also clean jobs to adjust with the time so it does kind of make you a better comic yes absolutely kind of like shift into new and new things i agree with that because we can't keep being like oh well in the in the 50s we made jokes that we have we don't live in the 50s but also i've seen it and that's the audience is his job to stop laughing at [ __ ] that isn't funny we need to grow and certain [ __ ] just isn't funny the way it used to be like you know because there are some comics that are like well how come i can't you're like well because you just can't now you just can't no but also it's not funny first jim saying right it's also just like so this comedian went out uh once i was at the comedy store i think i've told this story i just think it's important uh came out this was me like two years ago and started doing jokes about fat chicks okay and it was like bombing and then a woman just went hey can you stop i've seen the same comedian do that same joke in nashville and the same thing happened wow so there's a point where the audience will decide the people not at the show don't need to decide yeah the people at the show who saw the context who saw the crowd not like right that's that to me is like right now you need a course correct because that's not right it's not working but that person doesn't deserve to lose their career over it you know what i mean unless they're going to double down on it but there's other comedians who like want to fight you but this is yeah which is ridiculous not new there's always been consequences yeah and like you know a couple hundred years ago if you're a woman you just get killed i mean there's certain things you know so i it is an interesting thing and also i think comedians also need to remember i said this before is that the more stuff that's off limits in taboo the funnier we get oh my god yeah he gets harder and harder and harder and then it starts to weed out people like you really got to be good now you know what i mean you really got to be funny because if the ones who are just on the border it's like they'll lose their whole career so let it we'll keep taking like there is a way to take risks uh uh well-intentioned risks when you're trying to figure out if something is sure and then you might go we've done this before i'll go down a road and i'm like this is a this is this line of thinking is not conducive to a hobby that's the whole art of being a comedian is i have to try to say we all have to try to say that thing that we're not supposed to say crafted in a way in our artful way that's making everybody laugh and feel comfortable where we're like stepping to the line or slightly over it but we have the joke that left turn whereas a lot of times people will just tweet something like it was just a joke it's like no you just tweeted a slur with exclamation points in the american flag yeah so is it my thing worse is the mob mentality because the mom and daddy can start to make you feel like oh am i a bad person then you start to like switch that's biologically wired into your brain which is why it is to get the approval of the tribe and to get and also is commit the reason public speaking makes people so nervous is because uh on a reptilian primordial level that meant in tribal times that you were making your case to the tribe you're right you know there's a very yeah you're on trial completely so this that madness of crowds book is really good that explains this mob mentality of like a lot of people when people go yeah [ __ ] him they feel safer when they do that right so it's we have to recognize that we are wired to do this we get dopamine when we gang up on something else because we think we're safe yeah well that's why comedians that's the worst part it's like other comedians doing it and that's when it gets really scary well that's that shot because then it's just like yeah like and comedians there's a lot of if you fail i win which is not true it's like the new competition if you get canceled i have another job oh no there's some people that me when the crystal lea thing happened a lot of female comics i know and i've seen the screen grabs who thought that i wouldn't [ __ ] find out that they were talking to journalists trying to throw me under the bus right because they thought i they would move up in the it's not how it works right you know what i'm saying but that's why it's good that we all you know or or you know people need to have something outside of comedy and entertainment like you know whatever it is like you have your project and i have my family where it's just like because it the [ __ ] just goes away where i'm just like ugh all right i'll just i'll again i'll just push my kid in a swing and then it goes away i'm not going to sit here all day social media i understand we're used to feedback yes like we're and i think that's part of the reason they sort of and we will engage with it a lot of people won't like a lot of people just will not respond and ignore it like that's the real problem most comedians are comedians because they were bullied or picked on or something so now when you have when you have confrontation why have to let's go like i don't get to do this in my relationships anymore i don't get to get in fights with people like i've been in recovery like but this is if you come for me and give me a legitimate reason to defend myself like i'm [ __ ] like because you're kind of like well now i have fans of people want to see me and i need some darkness i don't want to go in the ring like give me any opportunity to fight you but then if you're going to come for a comedian get ready yeah you're coming for a comedian who's going to screen grab your profile and [ __ ] post you yeah they're coming back yeah yeah we're going to come back we're not scared of confrontation we're not and if you if you try to publicly humiliate one of us like i feel like we've been pretty cool about it yeah you know i feel like most people have been pretty cool about it because if you fight back you're the bully because you're yeah no i don't respond to i mean you know it's like the things that people say you know it's like every day i get a dm because somebody calling me a negative name i don't care dude where people are go [ __ ] you you're not funny you went out of your way to dm me and say that dude i've already accomplished all my dreams that someone knows me enough to even dislike me yes don't you love that you're not funny well there's a list of people you can click on that follow me there's a full list of things i'm funny yeah exactly and all but also like you love me you're obsessed if you leave any comment you're obsessed with me you love me and you're just having a bad day and you want my you're pulling my pigtails like i i negative comments to me is like i look back when i was like 15 in all my dreams and if someone told me hey you're going to be so in the public eye as a comedian that people are going to be saying you're going to be like dude sign me up but think about that even what we're going back to before think about a person think about what state of your life you have to be in or what kind of person you have to be to comment negatively publicly on anything as my therapist would say it sounds like they're in a lot of pain yes i left a negative comment or anything i wouldn't i've never in my life left left a negative comment on anything i've never left a negative yelp review i've never done any of that because i'm like i will just move on with my life this thing didn't work for me but we have big voices and big platforms not everybody does yeah you know what i'm saying some i'm just saying it makes people feel well get on stage i'm not saying it's good i'm saying it i know never my whole life have i done but i know why people do it it's b they feel they're they're hurting they're in pain like you know or they're mean and and nasty people and they have to live their lives and we get to do this you know most people just want attention back from the person yeah but even even when i announced yeah always when someone says you're an old nasty busted [ __ ] and i'm like hey dude i hope that worked it's usually what i'll write really great i didn't know you'd see that always becomes a conversation yeah it's people have a sickness bless your heart you know yeah like we need to stop complaining about negative comment it's so um uh childish of us because our comedian's whole thing is we should be able to over the [ __ ] we want but you can't yeah yeah i'm saying it's like pick a lane we have to decide one or the other because we're like i want to say whatever the [ __ ] i want the [ __ ] picker and but you're not allowed to say anything negative about me but i'm allowed to say anything negative about anyone i want publicly you know so it's like that sounds reasonable to me what's the problem yeah it's a problem as a fan i think that sounds great yeah um all you need to shut the [ __ ] up um because that is really what we do we go into a room and say no one's allowed to speak if you speak security's gonna remove you we are [ __ ] brats i know i know i know i know this whole podcast we've been like saying like everyone's a narcissist like we're the ones that go on stage and be like sit down and listen to me i have the microphone literally out of the thousand people here i am the most not only that i'm gonna charge you yeah sixty dollars to listen to me speak for an hour yeah what's that to yeah complain yeah about luxuries yeah yeah about how good it gets and then when you say something not gonna go thank you yeah you just paid 50 for me to read out of a notebook because i didn't want to even prepare for myself you just you're looking at your tickets you're like yeah i was like 60 you're like 15. 50. yeah yeah i'm almost at 60. but now yeah 48. we asked you to like order shitty food we asked you to get a babysitter to find parking for me to be like so what else is happening yeah yeah yeah guys what what are you up to for me to do crowdsourcing to ask you where you're from in your own state yeah we immediately say from here to find out if there's any birthdays in the crowd and then you immediately make fun of where they're from i hate this place hated driving here hate the club yeah you to come watch you trash their city oh god i mean it's like we are such we are to be killed and then we're just giving everyone i mean we should we are awful awful people what can you do um but yeah but i wish people um just in general comedians like just we're not trying to be your heroes i don't know why people started thinking comedians or the people you like look up to yeah why am i being held to the same standard as a politician i'm just a comedian [ __ ] doing tweeting jokes from my bathroom like why are you taking me you're in don't know how to end the podcast um i just have the producers zoom in on my open [ __ ] that's what i pitched yes but i don't know how to use this yeah i don't do it anymore because i have warts anal warts do you shave your balls manscape.com um lawnmower 3.0 um everyone has the [ __ ] sponsorship i know i'm just curious okay i i uh i do you i do this is this is less what's going on that is so hard because when what my girl you know if you shave your balls it's like why are you shoving balls for all you're trying to look good for so i don't do it as much but i did just recently i did just recently shave my balls yes uh-huh yes and it was good and but you have to i'm so fascinated by how guys do it because you have to put your foot up on a like i feel like you have to put your foot up and you gotta like no hold it and pull in no do you know what i do you know what i do i figured out the secret at least for me it works for me is i actually tuck it back i give myself a man giant it's easier to shave my man [ __ ] than it is my dick and balls so i go old so i go i go buffalo bill i buffalo billet and i shave yes such a great round yes and then i let it fly back and then i you know shave my the hairs floating off my actual testicles and then i do it all in the shower and you know i get some of it on my daughter's barbies and whatever you just clean that off my daughter's barbies are transgendered because of my beautiful your barbies have a little mustache yeah that's why because it's it's inclusive i have an inclusive barbie for my daughter i think we figured out the best way to end these now we just asked yeah for our tutorials i'm obsessed with that because yeah i think i don't like them if you're going to do it are they i get waxed i've never the ball no i get one does that hurt interesting well i have like the harm over most places so yeah yeah the ball because i used to do the waxing torture there's like buildings you got like and it's so fast i've been waxed and it hurt like all hell and then the only reason that i like didn't start crying is she was like you should see guys when they get their balls waxed i went in for my move to new york first time big city girl went in to get my eyebrows waxed but they had me take my uh take my pants off so i was like oh i guess this is your eyebrows i guess it's just what they do in new york and then she gave me a full brazilian i was screaming so loud and the woman was doing it within chemo treatments she was and she was like you're a sucker [ __ ] and i was crying and i was like how can anyone stand this she's like it's not as bad what are they doing to you and so i've never done it since and i can do that on all fours no oh they do that do i go to the wrong place wait what sammy's like i have had a full bush since then i will not let anybody go the wind was whistling through my jeans wait you guys can you guys you guys yeah when they went to your bus you guys benton's been sexually assaulted and he's coming forward that's what they do you know all four how do they get to it never happens how do you get on all fours to wax your [ __ ] yeah what was this company i'm calling them right now and doing them it's an aesthetician that is my friend oh she's really nice her name is candy i've i've got a qualm with you a [ __ ] i just got a text said you were going to be home by 3 30 then send me the voicemail at four with a thumbs up i'm so excited okay i am so [ __ ] up don't write elephants sounds like you really need to go it's just what we can wrap up it's one of those things when you get a text like that i'm [ __ ] already like it's i'm done it happened with david yellow too my wife you i just went to a girl's name whitney's house for seven hours yeah it's i'm in trouble i got it it's recorded so she knows our podcasts are long yeah i don't know who that is and i don't know that not a fan um okay i love you this has been like a [ __ ] blast and um your podcast uh uh i got hey babe with salvagana what you do that's a fully squeaky clean show which is hard to do we try to we don't curse that's so interesting and we do it on purpose because we're like this is a sick challenge to try to do and then chrissy chaos is the other podcast i have that's my own solo podcast and i have guests sometime where we go the opposite and i interviewed jasmine's uh relatives who just got out of prison it was very good so that's funny we have fun and i've patreon patreon.com christy comedy where i really get [ __ ] wild i'll shave my balls for the 10 deer what is it ten dollars i got five and ten i just make it simple five and ten and then you put videos i put video i do no no i do exclusive episodes that only air on patreon wow like i won't ever release them on youtube or any so i do a full hour extra each week just for the patreon members from my family christians for comedians that were could never work again but this is this is the application no i feel like i want to i want to i want to be in all of it i want to be on tv podcast patreon do it all why the [ __ ] not i love you model mayhem only fans because patreon you don't have to worry about you just put it out there you just put it out there you just relax yeah it's just great and then i feel like the funniest stuff happens or some of the funny stuff i think that i could do yeah you're not worried and the fans just respond it's great i love you um we're releasing you i'm just i'm literally just sweating too much like i'm just my breath literally smells like jelly bean [ __ ] like i could smell my breath off the mic i'm like wow this is bad it is so [ __ ] gross okay i love you um uh i love you um do we have announcements no no no okay [Music] four four four six you

Channel: Whitney Cummings

Views: 273,228

Rating: 4.7044153 out of 5

Keywords: whitney cummings, comedian, standup, female comic, female podcast, good for you podcast, podcast, stand up

Id: 1mxl0eIVFg0

Length: 122min 9sec (7329 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 31 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/BAgen2]

That chick is so god damn annoying I couldnt finish it.

[u/Weapon_Excommunicado]

He gave a cop out answer. He's a coward. The fact that he says they don't owe the fans any answers is bullshit because make no mistake, they absolutely do us answers, especially if we're fucking paying you on the patreon. WE'RE YOUR BOSS!!!!

[u/JontheCappadocian]

I swear I'm gonna start digging holes in poughkeepsie for these cucks. All they gonna hear is ladder 14 coming to see u in a different way with a bag of Frank's and beans to beat u with it. I'm gonna put black and white cookies on the bodies to make look like a accident. 😘

[u/Murdermitten99]

Lemme guess he repeats the same stories he being talking about for the past 2 years.

[u/air_donkey]

Well it's official, to hell with that plastic cunt ass retarded Whitney. Melt her down and make some straws. What a POS.

[u/GayToast1]

24:14 listen to that you toot. Also, what is your definition of sold out? Do you mean trying to progress in life? You like to see people stay stagnant? Don't make me come see you in a different way. Stop holding onto the past like he is your ex-boyfriend. Distefano is still funny and his standup is superb. To be honest I wasn't sure how it was going to be but he crushed it. What you have seen on the podcast is pretty much what you get on stage but polished material.

[u/kingdingyo]

'money is whatever dude..' LOL these liars

[u/CptMurrica]

Get over it you fuckin loser, watch something else, he's not your friend.

[u/KirkNJ]

jesus christ guy, GIVE IT UP.