Ep #47: HILARY DUFF | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings

[Music] foreign phantom we're rolling i know can we get your game face on please this is it's always on you guys benton's in a wild move no i'm not you said it every day okay we're gonna start tallying them down benton showed up today speaking cockney that's not wild literally that's exotic i was brushing my hair and i just hear it [Music] i think that's fine it happened slapped you're lucky i was on the roof like chim-chimney it's like lemony snicket has arrived sweeney todd and when i do that i have to do a kegel yeah it has to come from in here that's not where vaginas are i know but that's where the voice has to come from hello right and the worst part is in london trolley really honestly can you not good ain't it gorgeous yeah you're doing quite well lovely day isn't it from now on if we ever fight give a [ __ ] can we do it in that accent yeah i love it are you [ __ ] dense are you stupid scrubby scruffy [ __ ] off honestly you've gone west that's my favorite you've gone waste what does that mean i guess it means you're going i don't really know but i don't know which means you've gone to california which means you've gone crazy yeah you've got well is that west of london uh yeah okay we're west i wish i could do an australian accent because they're a lot you know they don't do oh dude it's hard to do both in the same day the same day right so what's uh australian is it's like um hello mate well you sound like the worm from the labyrinth you know that little worm i love that me too oh it's so cute it's very hello it's all you kane are you cute keen that means like horny right are you keen oh i thought okay i am yeah this music is wonderful no i can't wonderful yeah there's no there's no o's right they're all r's or there's no r's there's only o's god this podcast has gone in a weird direction brand wise i just want to reach out to other other people so that's what i'm dealing with you guys and you can't do any accident without being racist so that's the only one you can really get away with can you be racist okay right or not racist but like brood that's rude you can't do asian accents let's not conflate racist and rude please because if they start to become the same thing i'm getting cancelled i know you're allowed to be rude okay i'm not letting that be taken being british is like being american it's just like rude but you can't do like asian accents oh that's very that's not nice i've dated some english guys it's a [ __ ] hot accent australian i don't know it's a little twangy you know wasn't australia big prison yeah well no it was where they sent uh yeah people i don't know can you please can we can we okay here we go you maybe look things up before you just throw them out on the podcast i thought you knew everything can you can you please do some research yes it was uh prisoners that were sent to australia right okay that's way hotter way hotter than british doctors he just throws things out he's like so what's dna can you explain what a double helix is whitney i'm trying to join a cult why are you oh good segue we are talking about cults today but not yet first we're going to talk about my cult of comedy which is going on the road yeah san fran san francisco we added a show are you excited to go to san francisco yeah because i know we're not too weird for san francisco no no possible way y'all are wild we're gonna be at the midway not sure what that is uh on november 7th 2020 san francisco it's going to be outside it's going to be distanced please don't make out with strangers or have threesomes or orgies and give each other covid you guys i don't want to be the coveted comedian it's a very sand friend thing to do they'll be in harnesses and horsemen san francisco hair i got my pink hair yeah i could maybe be a lesbian we got to get you some nipple clamps and you'll be ready to go san francisco gals come to the show try to turn me now that my hair is something a lot of women are like you're gay fyi do you think i am nope that's not how being gay works oh if it did though you'd be there but a lot of i'm getting a lot of dms from women that are like by the way you're gay that's rude you can't tell people that i don't think you can't be like you're gay and i'm so co-dependent i'm like you're probably right you've never thought i was gay no you've never been like she's probably gay never or like that's she's got it's going to any day now the shoes no drones deserve one many tequilas no no no okay fine why would i think i just tried to come out to you you shut me down you don't come out by going have you ever maybe sorta kind of thought that i was like it's not a safe space did you ever think i was all right couple announcements i'd like to make benson you need to pull it together when it comes to my instagram because i decided that i was gonna not look at my feed so much because i feel like it's just it's not healthy it's a it's an unhealthy addiction i did mute some people if you're on a private plane and if you're doing yoga on a rock and if you're face tuning yourself i'm muting you it's called self-care still love you forgive you but i'm just not i don't even see that [ __ ] you know what i mean i got enough i got enough nasty inner inner monologue thoughts but i was like okay i'm not gonna look i'm not gonna obsess over instagram i'm not gonna look at the news i also did like a little news detox and then i was like you know we had that covet-tested comedy show we all got tested we were all negative and we did the comedy show and afterwards uh esther and annie they taught me the wet ass [ __ ] dance there's some hoes in this house and we did it and we're like humping the floor it was like funny and i couldn't get it right it was just kind of this funny video and so i don't have something to post for the day post it it's hilarious let's be honest i do have a little cake back there i've been working out little debbie snacks hey cupcakes or cakes guys there's a moon pie back there right now there's like there's a little angel food cake in the cheeks right now like i've got a little yeah you have a butt for sure for sure for sure all of a sudden all that biking and i don't know all that fetal position and terror it's really worked out i tried to get up from off the floor those squats um so i post it and i'm like okay great and i go back to checking in on it like maybe an hour later and i'm scrolling it's 9 11. it's the anniversary of the twin towers being hit by a plane and i have chosen to post my ass cake jiggling so were you also avoiding calendars when you were i just had to talk i'm not gonna look at my phone today i'm so healthy i'm taking a detox break look at me rewiring my brain and i go and i scroll and it's like never forget never forget never forget and then just my [ __ ] shaking humping the floor i mean can you i love when i make a mistake girl no next time no i refuse to support celebrities until i am one okay and i i just love the thought of like you making a mistake and going like okay um it's because i was detoxing guys i was i know it's just because i wasn't i wasn't like there i was like reconnecting with myself oh it was the anniversary of 9 11. i would not have posted myself doing the wet ass [ __ ] dance that would have not been my first choice happens every night i would have posted a black square let's be honest that's what really makes lasting you would have took responsibility it is my fault i would have posted myself singing imagine and then i did it oh i have a terrible joke never mind and then i did it you're allowed to say terrible things on youtube uh if you would've let the bodies hit the floor what's that you don't know the song that the body to the floor the body is at the floor that the body is said yes i do know that that have been horrible but hilarious oh yeah oh my god that's so much i know i said that budget is dark and this is why i love you we're allowed to say [ __ ] like that on this podcast you guys i'm not letting jokes get cancelled i'm not letting this the alt left take away sick jokes yeah the alt left won't take jokes and the alt right won't take rights we're stopping it all here uh and then i did it again uh whitney did it again i i well my hair my pink hair which everybody knows uh we've heard about it have you heard about it we've seen it we've heard about it secret i know i don't want to talk about it much i'm very shy it's starting to fade right and i was like oh i need to go to a different color because pink it is starting to get a little bit crazy and i'm not getting as many matches on raya as i used to um and so i was like why don't i dye it a different color this pandemic doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and i posted like you guys what should i what should i post which i how should i dye my hair now what color should i do next just the most shallow vapid post on the planet post it but i'm detoxing i'm not obsessed with social media i'm not on so i'm not that's why you're posting i'm not scrolling so i'm just gonna post it and get out of there i'm a healthy person i'm gonna post the photo then go for a walk i'm gonna go read a book he said i am the party i'm gonna show up and leave i'm gonna show up and leave and then i go back to check see how the post is doing ruth bader ginsburg has crossed over she has passed it's like rest in peace recipes recipes recipes rest in peace people sobbing then i'm like you guys what color hair should i now you just try to be relatable my roots are also dead guys i didn't know a true icon legend star and hero has passed on and you're like you think purple's fun you guys blew her pink i did not know she had died so for all of you that think that i'm an insensitive [ __ ] as you would say i like that the excuses i didn't know she died so i mean had i known and i know and i would have posted this three hours later i would have gave a break i'm not tacky you're like how long is the funeral i need to talk about my eye makeup that's so sad anyway so you guys if you've been thinking that i'm complete like a total sociopath based on the fact that i've been posting really shallow posts on um her during horrific tragedies then you've been listening to the podcast and we want to thank you and i'm so sorry um i want to talk about the nexium calls wait there's some bigger news that you skipped over oh sorry well hillary duff is here first of all hillary duff is on the show today so we need to plow through this we got hillary duff i know which is shocking it's a big deal why is it shocking because she didn't ever do podcasts she never does podcasts and the amount of celebrities that wanted to come listen to her do this podcast so weird how exciting she's going to be because celebrities don't hear about nobody but themselves well all my famous friends were like can i come and meet hillary i'm like i don't know what pull yourself together can i pray at her altar yeah well here's the thing i think i'm see i really don't want to have to admit this but i i didn't i wasn't i think i'm just older so i i like i love hillary i know her like we're friends i met her without having had her show be like my religion i was in my so-called life kind of [ __ ] that was my show growing up if i saw claire danes i would just jump off a building you know but shannon doherty i'm 902 no that was my [ __ ] shannon dougherty dm to me on instagram once and i like literally i had um my heart took a [ __ ] in my chest like i lost my mind i was dming with alanis morissette the other day couldn't breathe that's i mean i think he may breathe started doing lamaze like my nipples got hard it was wild but like hillary duff i love her and we became friends in a very organic way and i didn't realize that she was like such a that she was like a religion for people yeah because well you grew up with her kind of if you're around that you did yeah i'm old it's rude but also i'm curious benton wears a shirt with hilary duff on it i do benton will show up with celebrities on his shirt which is so weird because half those celebrities are like my friends that's i'm always like oh i need to call her back it always reminds me i think that's so weird for me because like i just know all these celebrities so many celebrity friends no that's not true uh it's more like i mean this is just what i do i don't know maybe yeah i do have i have two hillary duff shirts not friends with like lady gaga no i'm not friends with music people keep this hair up and we'll get there keep plagiarizing her vibe but you wear a hillary duff shirt almost all the time and i gotta say i was worried you were gonna wear it when she came and i was like what if he shows up in his hillary duff shirt is she gonna call the player i'm not a psychopath i would have been sitting in the hallway listening to the interview in a hillary duff shirt like hi like how insane i mean i don't know i don't put anything past you at this point benton um how adorable is she i mean she can you believe in real life yeah it's it's actually she is an angel she's true i am in 12 12-step programs and read self-help books to be like her loved by all loved by all loved be loved but she's just like she's great anyway so the interview is great it's coming up i didn't want to ruin her brand her publicist did not know she was doing this interview but you should listen she never does podcast she never i mean you only really get to hear her talk she talked about her placenta about like the like the work she's doing the shows she's on but you don't get to hear her just talk and like she's a mystery so she's an enigma she's like found out about that i didn't i did ask about lizzie mcguire and what's going on the reboot she's very like she knows how to not say what she shouldn't say but i think i think she definitely said a couple things that she's never said she's a pro she's a professional all right i um so she's coming up uh i do need to talk about this show but i'm gonna talk about david blaine why flying over arizona with balloons david blaine okay do you even know who david blaine is yeah he's the one that doesn't wear eyeliner he's the less glamorous magician yeah he's the sloppy magician magician stunt man he's a snake he's the one that doesn't bother to put on makeup yeah no when i was growing up david blaine like i was trying to [ __ ] david blaine he was your hillary though and yeah he was my hillary clinton you were trying to let him out of your house he was like a god on mtv he was huge and he would do these like sleight of hand he would do these stunts he would sit in ice boxes like before joe rogan did it before it was like what every like mma fighter and podcast guy did it's so funny because you can look on any anyone that joe rogan follows is sitting in a box of ice all day every day and but that was like yeah really david blaine just has bad knees it's just for his swelling and um he would just like do this wild [ __ ] and it's just it's weird because that stunt happened and i don't did he make it like it was it's just so weird how media has shifted and it doesn't seem like i mean he flew away into the sky and nobody cares yeah they're like post a makeup tutorial like it's just 10 years ago that would have been the biggest thing ever he floated away on rainbow colored balloon that's every gay teen in arizona's dream to leave their own rainbow colored balloons the fact they weren't shot out of the sky is progress honestly it's just it just was interesting to me that this guy risked his life and we're all like but do you contour i mean people on social media have new faces every other week so like that's not that impressive wait you still have the same face yeah do you have a new butt you have button plants do you have get a little cheek failure there's screaming things like it's just so weird what people care about and what people don't but can you do a choreographed dance for 15 seconds on the ground i know that you're flying away and doing something absolutely impossible but can you do lazy cheerleading in baggy tie-dye yeah he had to get like all these certifications like log all these hours skydiving before i can people are like whatever literally nobody gave a [ __ ] um and then i mean i did love him on joe rogan he also like swallows frogs and you know he'll like swallow a frog and puke it back up meanwhile like people like yeah we just ate nine tide pods [ __ ] it's not that impressive yeah i've seen a lizard great it's amazing how like tick tock and reels and instagram and stuff has made actual magicians like not that impressive yeah they're just like whatever we'll edit that together cool like i just drank an entire carton of milk upside down there's some girl just showing her acrylics with four million views can you do gels yeah that's all people really care about this is so funny that was fun it's this is not news this is this is a segment we like to call should have been bigger news this is the thing that we had to call stop stop doing that it should have been called just learn the wap dance stay on the ground um nexium what are you gonna let me talk about this now we can talk about it right now i'm obsessed with this so if you guys have not watched this documentary i don't i don't know i don't know what to tell you um turns out you're not who i thought you were we you've changed it's on hbo max or i don't understand what's hbo hp max it's the new hbo is it hbo go no that's gone hbo hbo mac put to keep up hbo no go hbo mac hbo it's their new streaming service where they got the good show [ __ ] is my password how many times a day do i ask you for my hbo password just the hbo one or is the hbo pap it's the hbo password and the hbo max password all your passwords are the same password so it really i mean there's like a whole list of them but they're all just the same [ __ ] what what's the max what does max mean climax hbo climax oh that's a good one is that the sex one i'd watch that hbo climax that's just your special on a loop no i was not climaxing that year at all frankly which is a lot of what i talked about in the special so i'm obsessed with this call uh the nexium called nexium nexium n-x-i-v-u-m no valve named my acid reflux medicine is it real yeah so i was i was in deep i was like let me know more about this you've changed my life they all had acid reflux from deep throating that cult leader's dick right now all right so i want to really slow down and talk about this cult because i i need to zoom out as we say in the biz zoom out zoom out i need to understand why every cult leader is such a [ __ ] doofus should i mean they're all first of all they're all like short uh look guys that look like legumes oh have you noticed like they always look insane there have been lots of cults like the bikram yoga guy cult that happened recently and yeah um he was the guy that looked like the floating ball in big trouble in little china you can't be half bald with a ponytail don't follow that person why they can't make decisions like why does every cult leader look like jabba the hutt it's like wild how they're able to you know what i think it is women think they're non-threatening oh yeah and that's how they get them don't you think which is interesting because if an ugly person hits on you at a bar they're the most threatening so true but like if they have if they keep saying the word authenticity even though they look like the baby in total recall they can start a call yeah this guy looks like tommy pickles like if you're like what the hell there's something going on you guys we don't talk about short guys enough dude i'm telling you stalin five five vladimir putin five seven [ __ ] wears wedges yeah this is a known fact okay there's something there i think short guys know they have to overcompensate by manipulating how else are they going to get laid so these short guys these are the ones you got to watch the ones with the low ponytail in the back definitely a low post these are the ones you got to watch anymore with a low ponytail you should watch in general because they're either going to be handling snakes somewhere or like raising tigers like don't don't [ __ ] with those people but they need to find ways to have power they can't physically conquer our bodies so they have to conquer our minds like this guy that ran the nexium called keith renier ranier says his name dude everything he says was a hutter nonsense you hear him talking to these girls and he's like well pain and suffering those are two completely different things and they're like yeah that was my senior quote actually that's nothing that's a nonsense nothing he's insane he would be like so in order for creativity to be happen authenticity has to be congruent and they'd be like oh yeah you have to rearrange the things you think could happen for what will and you're like i don't know what are your rules that's what i will say for everybody clowning on the women that were beguiled by that and hypnotized we've all done that we've all we all did this like in high school or college where some idiot was just using big words in an order you had never heard before and making eye contact with you and you bought it you know and you're like yeah that sounds genius like it's like watching a david lynch movie like you don't know what it means nobody knows what it means but no one wants to seem stupid so they all just yeah they know what it means because they assume everyone else knows what it means it's like this weird like mass hypnosis i mean the big thing in this documentary the big selling point is he was in the guinness book of world records i was like yes that was the person with the longest fingernail but you don't take hygiene advice from them do you people they're like he has the highest iq between what the woman who can jump the highest and the man who's a lizard like what does that mean that's who it's so stupid the actual smartest in the world isn't running around like doing photo shoots for the guinness book of world records yeah they're not they don't have time they're they're developing vaccines dumbass well he created a new math don't forget okay that was my favorite part of the documentary me too when the guy goes he created new mathematics like wait first oh no he said it remember the guy asked him a question at the kitchen table he goes well i've actually invented this this new math and he was like awesome dude no you didn't the only person i actually think would be cool is someone that got rid of the old math i i didn't like the first math i don't want another math to have to learn first of all why what were you trying to figure out how unemployed are you that you were like just sitting around inventing a new map second of all no you didn't no you [ __ ] did it no one could corroborate that claim because if you invented it no one else knows it so no one else can check your math to make sure it's real man that's some nerd [ __ ] that's like that's like i learned klingon no you didn't i just like like no no you like also was the math that we had not working not for him he was like two plus two was four he's like i don't see i just i don't i think we need to well honestly there's two too so now there's four this like you're just making [ __ ] up these people are like that is amazing here's what i'll say because the people that were so beguiled by him and then fell for it i i do think we don't talk enough about how cults are good because they keep crazy people off the streets don't you think like the this girl walks in and he's like he says to her al that alice and matt girl that crazy she's in insane i'm kind of obsessed with her though but he goes um uh so why do you why do you like art and she just starts crying yeah i was like okay this girl needs to be in an attic in albany away from the rest of us this [ __ ] because if she was not she would be maskless in a trader joe's yelling at staff spitting in their faces like these are all would-be karens she's wildly delusional too wild also also if i may defend them also i blame the dads this is a lot of girls that did not get eye contact or easy bake ovens or lu that their dad's dropped the ball good parenting does not like her dad dropped her she's [ __ ] okay when she went in there and she was like guys my life is perfect i'm rich i'm famous i have everything aren't you an extra in smallville like aren't you a background actress i know i was like wait a second hold on what's happening but also this is kind of like hard to explain but everything was also on camera so my you have to understand when a documentary is being made everyone knows they're on camera and they're also all kind of performing so everyone's like i used to be an actress it's like no you're still an actress you're recording your cult life like you're acting you're on a reality show they record everything they're like we just need to be authentic well why are you on camera all the time they're all on camera wearing like silk scarves no but they're all like i just want to be able to find validation without uh needing anything from anyone it's like well then why do you have seven cameras around you and why do you have to film everything you do it's truly just a room of like 50 people talking about what they're gonna do in the future so they never do anything nothing they just sit in a house and be like so we're gonna eventually come to a place where we win when sir when we gonna get there so funny at least scientologists lie at least they're like we built some schools dude scientology it gave me a whole new respect for scientology at least scientology put some [ __ ] effort into their religion dude there were aliens there's like satans and levels and they record they they're they at least they have powerpoints award shows they at least wrote like a lord of the rings type backstory yeah this was just like like um this guy just whispers nonsense every time every time words over and over again dude the volleyball here's what's so funny about the volleyball i have a hot take on the volleyball for those of you not that haven't seen it yet because you can't figure out your [ __ ] hbo max password um it's he makes it play volleyball every night from midnight to like three in the morning or something and everyone's like the volleyball what is what only in [ __ ] hollywood would the weirdest thing about a sex cult be the fact that they're playing volleyball it was like put this vault like the sex cult the branding everyone's like oh that's kind of normal that's what we do this is hollywood this is like every time we go on an audition we do those things volleyball it's such so elitist that people think volleyball is weird because i lived in virginia we love volleyball is we played it all the time it's very fun i was on the volleyball team the reason that hollywood people and like twitter elite are so confounded by the volleyball is because it's just a middle america sport it's not if it was like yoga or it was isolating what it was ice skating if it was like soul cycle or spinning or pilates they'd be like wait this cult is genius yeah all things that aren't sports like because it was called like the volleyball barn or something and everyone's like ew that looks poor does like nobody wonder what this man is doing all day that he only made up at midnight do you ever notice we never see him in the daytime he sleeps all day the bikram guy was like that too well i sleep all day wait am i a cult leader probably that's very common with podcasts nowadays i do need two naps a day benton knows this i just don't understand what he's doing and no one cares total sense to me it's a sex cult he's trying to normalize knee pads everybody's like he's wearing knee pads i [ __ ] hated that [ __ ] every time he had knee pads on i was like what is he doing he's just wearing them in just everywhere why did that bother you so much because i don't are grown unders looking at this man in knee pads being like tell me more papa i have a question though what they had to give collateral they had to give naked photos of themselves obviously this guy was like getting off on them sending the naked photos i have a hot take what's so wrong with with porn oh um i don't know just watch legal real porn why would you want to these girls they weren't doing what i'm saying i mean i have a question what kind of um sex freaks like these people are are also wearing tiny shiny scarves i love that the worst the fashion is the part you hate the most i just depict one of the someone to start pulling on those and then just to never stop like that's what it looks like it looks like i hate that and and the body chains i didn't see the body chains yet yeah allison no they say that you know allison wears the body changes are cute what does she christina in the 90s like that's how you're gonna promote your love sexy i know they're cheesy but they are sexy like when i i a guy that i'm kind of dating i looked at the people that he follows and i went to some i was like doing a little instagram stock and then i saw that what a girl had on a body chain and i was like that [ __ ] [ __ ] that's cheating wearing a body chain is cheating no that's some nerd [ __ ] no that's like your princess leia okay that's we're going on it we're going on a tangent guys fall for that [ __ ] body chains chokers guys love that [ __ ] body chain yes i'm telling you no no no excuse me it's a hot look male species do you like body changes they're trashy but they're hot i'm just telling i'm not i'm talking over we're gonna get the answer it's like vanilla perfume oh i have that on a barrel it's fish in a barrel body chains uh i want to answer do you like body chains don't do anything great chris dave is fired who chokers chokers yeah yeah yeah chokers are hot well there isn't crisp girls that wear chokers suck dick better or something what isn't that a pew research study the choker sucked dick better isn't there something about girls that wear chokers suck better dick or something because that's how they have to make money to survive or why i don't know maybe their throats are tighter i know because of the choker i don't know i heard this one time i need to bring a doctor back on because something's happened what are you what's going on are you starting a cult right now are you making a new math as we speak okay so here's what i'll say one time i i ordered this really cute choker off of the interweb and it had like a circle right here and then a bunch of people started dming me like oh yeah i saw your choker like wanna [ __ ] and i was like oh did i accidentally stumble into like uh some subliminal sex messaging it's the same with my tattoo i have a tattoo right here that is a on my wrist that's a safety pin and people will always uh message me and be like oh you have the safety pin like it's some people are men people it's women too there's some weird cult about safety pins that i got this and i didn't know i had joined it by accident i mean there's a lot with with i think when you wear a choker it sends a message that you're like down to [ __ ] everything that's remember when those rubber bracelets were a thing in the 90s and they were like this one means you do anal and you're like no it's just i got it on topic like no i got it out of a cracker or like handkerchiefs like well this color means we're not in prison what are you talking about can you stop yeah i just i'm just blowing mine it's a handkerchief you [ __ ] freak i love it when benjen snaps it's just crazy i love that everything is not sexual i love that benton the thing he hates the most about the um nexium cult is that the scarves are cheap he's like they are really cheap but everything was like the fact that people were falling for this i'm watching it and it's truly everything takes place in like a hilton honors hotel like someone's living room everything is in like a shitty one-bedroom apartment he's always like the the cult leader is always like waxing poetic on a like a ikea mahogany couch that's just like covered in like clam chowder and [ __ ] it's like it's so obvious this is clam chowder and gum i don't know damn what about [Laughter] like why is he you're just making me laugh because you're so excited uh the fact that this [ __ ] like pull up in a ford fiesta and everyone's like this is our leader like kissing his feet i know like dude he's in a [ __ ] pt cruiser like staying at the doubletree like i at least the uh oh show guy had like bentley's seriously if i'm gonna join a cult i want a little pomp and circumstance i want i want an eyes wide shut sex party with masks and beaks and capes and yeah we better live on a compound i want a gala a gala a gala okay uh she wants a gala guys can we a gayla we've just skipped over the fact in in this documentary they sprinkled in the fact that they cured tourettes like we're fully just like we cured tourette's anyways we're going on a walk at three you're like no no we have to go back but you guys do have to watch this they here's the thing the first if i was 22 before 12 step program and you had no friends i this called i would have been in that call hundo percent hundo hundo that's how we know i absolutely would have felt they had some good they make some good points i'm not gonna lie and then they it does seem like they cure directly no it doesn't they just it's a commercial where they just show someone who's now not having a moment they just cut out the torrent pretty convincing i actually i i if if that call can help me stop interrupting people in the podcast i'll do it i will suck that guy's dick to stop getting comments that i'm interrupted not what tourette's is and also literally they're just like we've cured tourettes anyways guys we have to sell five more packets to eight more clients you're like no no how come there's no doctors here there's nobody wants this secret i mean it is a pyramid scheme but here's the other thing everyone's like oh my god it was like all these girls got together and they branded they all got the same brand and it was and they didn't eat it's like you mean a sorority yeah right we've all done that like by the way it's not that different from uh spring break 97 like honestly i did ex the same exact thing except it was in panama city florida and it wasn't a brand it was a dolphin tattoo on the back of my neck that's a fact do you know how many infinity symbols and tiny stars i've covered up in my makeup career yes i'm just saying like girls and getting together and they branded each other like every group of girls has done that at lake havasu on spring break it was just like a little chinese symbol that said breathe yeah the only thing's gonna last forever is that shitty tattoo it was also sorry i mean this is [ __ ] up that i'm laughing about it but they were like i got branded and i thought it was a mountain with three lines through it and then i turned sideways and it was his initials like maybe before you get a tattoo look at it from every angle first of all can we talk about that too how they're just naked in a van blindfold and they're like okay guys so it's gonna represent the elements why are you guys wicked now what happened when did the elements come into play it was just so funny that there she was like and then i looked at it sideways like first of all how did you look at it sideways you have to if you're gonna get a tattoo as a woman near your [ __ ] look at it from the angle that the person going down on you is gonna look from every angle because the tattoo's not for you she's like this way it's alice and mac i was like first of all they didn't even look like oh it was allison mack and then you turned it and it was keith raniere's yeah but i'm just thinking like how come all of you agreed to getting the element's tattoo on you anyway it has nothing to do with anything tattoo sucked before you found out it was some random creepy leprechaun's name and then him and then him being like well was i involved because i gave them the equipment to brand people is that why you think i was involved who are you trying to trick dude i it also makes me laugh that this [ __ ] like thought he was gonna get away with this like like i'm gonna put 20 girls in a house what could go wrong like that's a brothel the fact that he was so surprised that 20 girls couldn't keep a secret like are we known for our ability to keep secrets is this like are we known and by the way i'm gonna starve them they're not gonna be able to eat like are we known for being so amicable when we're hungry yeah right like you're gonna get a bunch of girls together make them hangry and let them just gossip about you all day like what do you think is gonna happen homie and then the relationship where they all have to like ask for everything like may i eat may i do this yeah let's let's try to throw you in that real quick no this is what it was explain what it was thank you they did um this thing where uh they the part of the dom relationship uh was that in or your master would have to let you eat would have to let you do everything you go to bed to eat all that stuff it's basically like a like a woot band in person it's basically like a real live uh what are those things that you step thing a fitbit it's like a it was like a real life fitbit like can i have a hundred calories can i have this oh yeah yeah i mean that's having a weight coach well and you know episode four that girl the one who won't be shown is like this could have happened to anyone i'm like no it couldn't have no i the whole i watched the entire documentary being like if this was whitney she would never they would be like you have to leave oh yeah i love the idea of you bringing it i really wish you would go join i don't think i could be in a call is this still going on i'd get so bored uh no the trial is happening now and also you know that this was all funded they had a tremendous amount of money from the girls uh dad started seagrams yeah one of the bronfmans put 150 million dollars in this cult and i was like oh my god i couldn't believe she did that really her dad got rich getting people drunk what did you what kind of like ethical paragon of ethics did you think this was coming from they're like how could this girl do this with a father that got rich getting people drunk so they could drive and die like i mean it's like her father was a piece of [ __ ] too that's the z what if a arrow just hit me in the neck because i just attacked a bronze man they couldn't afford arrows so don't you worry oh the bronfman's could i think that i think i should not be coming after uh liquor empires that's probably a bad idea who gives a [ __ ] is this one still going on this thing is called no it's counting no i mean the liquor empire has to all right of course yes are you kidding my family alone has kept them in business yes i was breastfed sea grumps i know this i've been in this cult i mean yeah her dad started a cult too it's called alcoholics anonymous they come from cults you guys really have to watch this documentary because it's insane so good um all right we've got to stop uh hillary duff i love her so much what a treat what a delight it's a banger like subscribe we're going to start doing giveaways guys like subscribe comment this reminds me what of you talking about how celebrities froze their instagram and then you being like like subscribe follow you guys we need to talk about that sorry i forgot to bring this up the instagram freeze did you guys see the celebrities froze their instagram quote unquote to quote stop hate because of facebook what the [ __ ] is going on why are celebrities so out of touch they're like we're gonna take a day off lecturing you guys about causes we know nothing about in order to promote another cause we know absolutely nothing about you're like great i would love a day without you trying to relate to me by eating taco bell like do you know why i mean talk about it though i can afford okay it's not a fun trend i would love to have a day off from you guys lecturing me about who to vote like please like when they're like we're gonna boycott instagram for a day everyone's like [ __ ] i muted you years ago when you were posting photos of yourself with politicians yeah okay we i love the people like the celebrities that are freezing their instagram they're like we're doing this because it's it's facebook is pro-trump and this is spreading hate about pro-trump [ __ ] the reason trump got elected is because you wouldn't stop posting selfies of yourself with hillary that's why he won right also question don't most of you have shows on facebook watch yeah didn't they just drop by a billboard with you on it they're like you guys i'm boycotting facebook also watch my new show on facebook watch yeah next month they'll come back because we have a we have a good episode the fact that celebrities thought that they were muting their instagram and like boycotting instagram for a day dumbasses you realize that usually your posts show up a day or two days later anyway because of the algorithm so you weren't even boycotting the day you thought you were boycotting yeah also do you think i've seen all your photos like i don't look at anybody else's page also do you think that like we're all gonna fall apart if you don't post a photo of yourself on a red carpet and be like i love miss wearing dresses miss can't wait to get back to this like do you really think we're just gonna fall apart and completely unravel if you don't post a makeup free selfie no filter like we're good we're fine we'll do okay yeah i can i can go one day without that i would assume you'd use that date i don't know do some work also if we do need to see a photo of you we can google you whenever we want right like we don't we don't live for people like these celebrities are such narcissists they think we're just like on their feed like give me a photo i need another photo i need to see you with dog ears with that said please follow me um please follow us it's very important we post a photo every day funny to me that celebrities don't understand that when they post about politics it makes people vote for the opposite party like you know like it's yeah i hated that movie watch this no i that's your thing you guys get off facebook it's promoting hate you mean the way we found out about your last movie awesome thing that promotes your movies that we paid to see and now you're lecturing me about how to vote that is i mean that's true that's not wrong but also my facebook isn't hateful because fun fact i get to control who i add to it yeah i'm incredibly controlling people that are posting hate over who's in charge also it's very elitist to not like facebook because let me tell you a fun fact in in suction breaks it down in teeny tiny southern towns that's how hairdressers book clients that's how i got every every comedy show was booked on us through facebook every makeup job i got was on facebook people use facebook as a career because they don't get to go on tv every day and tell their opinion so they have to do it on facebook to their little friends hollywood betting's coming for you yeah facebook is where working-class people get work they're allowed to have an opinion we are protecting the working class by trying to cancel facebook which is where the working class gets their jobs all you're doing is shutting down the voices of those people because that's where they get to voice them that's what they get to do and also what if what if what if tina is having a sale on you know on on you know bleach on some little bleach dies she's doing in the middle of you know a clipper cut salon and you've done shut down facebook and now her kids can't eat when benjamin's mad he gets more so they ain't gonna take a trip to six flats now because the whole watch them me yelling jicketts yeah they will come for you you better watch them truly if that is such an elitist thing to be like we hate facebook and then be in a tv show for it or whatever the hell that is that's ignorant you guys bettin's pissed off i just don't get it it's like you other people can have opinions too and if i don't like the opinion i can bl i really have more control on facebook and instagram than i do anywhere else in my life in real life if you're being afforded a restaurant i can't make you leave being full i have to leave okay on facebook i can get rid of you in a heartbeat i'll never just see you again you'll never see me again i'm afraid to cut you off benden because you are done now yeah okay you're done you're good just wanted you to know [Laughter] whoo guys benton let it be known loud and clear hillary duff i love you guys thank you turn my elephants don't write elephants you guys we are so effective at talking about our sponsors that our producer is currently activating his daily harvest subscription wait let's look at chris's order chris is actually because of the way we have so elegantly eloquently passionately and accurately spoken about the delights of daily harvest he has taken matters into his own hands and ordered the the strawberry and peach smoothie oh that's my favorite we're getting in touch with this feminine side right over here okay heard heard heard her heard it think of me lady harvest is really it's very convenient like literally whenever you're like can you be here in five minutes like let me grab my harvest and i jet out the door i know well also it's just like fruit is such a nightmare okay well because here's like this is this is why i love daily heartburn the easiest food to eat it's because fruit isn't sabotages your entire existence because you get oranges and then you get bananas and they all go bad at different times and it's like you never know when the banana's bad but you want banana and orange but the orange isn't ripe yet and then you want pear but the pear is rotten now oh do you know what i'm saying you eat fruit different than me i buy fruit and i mean it all right then all at once i get six oranges that's what i wanted how many six you're being funny today benton that's not a joke that's really how i eat so i like daily harvest because it's all these different fruits already cut up already in the fridge like fruits that i would never be so brave as to attempt yeah to put a nice dragon fruit where do you even start i don't even know what they taste like everyone says you need to eat dragon fruit it's so healthy don't even know how to approach a dragon fruit in the store terrified it feels sacred i don't want to touch it thank you thank you daily harvest for making dragon fruit accessible yeah and cacao don't know where to buy that but i really enjoy it don't frankly don't know what it is chocolate sugar it's some sort of chocolate and i like it uh the cold brew i love it's like you know i have to put coffee yeah the cold brew i have to have coffee at all times and i don't know how they do this but they have um they have one that's chocolate and hazelnut it's a smoothie that's already all pre-cut in and uh it has avocados and they're fresh right there oh yeah this wasn't really stupid beautiful but i love the fact that because they're frozen out to add any ice that can i tell you ice is a hassle i sometimes i don't even know if i have eyes it's a nightmare you gotta break it up and then it falls everywhere and then you can't pick it up off the ground it keeps slipping out of your hands it's like trying to pick up soap in prison yeah you don't know what's gonna sneak up behind you when you're picking up that ice it's dangerous i don't have an ice maker and neither do you because you're relatable so we have to scoop it out with our hands and that is it's not i don't like the ice pick around the house i can't let benton loose with this temper and an ice pick in my own home who knows what would this temper you know me daily harvest you know what to do daily harvest makes it easy to eat clean undeniably delicious food no matter what you're doing you know what i like to call daily harvest it's a no-brainer you can see what you like to call it you can't mess it up it's just like you know what i like daily harvests because i feel like i have i i have everything i need in that one septa brain smoothie but then like the rest of the day i can kind of be sloppy with my food because i started with daily harvest and i got all my vitamins and stuff that's science i think that's how health works for you keep it simple that's what it is simple with daily harvest go to dailyharvest.com enter promo code good for you and get 25 off your first box did you get 25 off chris yes that's promo code good for you for 25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com you deserve it get your immune system on point dailyharvest.com cut the [ __ ] um benton you know i'm out there on dates i know um i'm out in the wild i'm in the jungle good place to find dates um are you wearing meat undies on these dates well that was an organic segue well we're in this we're in the ad section they know we tell them beforehand i'm telling you i thought me undies you know that i've been wearing the undies i always wear them to work out because they don't move and give you a front thong they don't try to chainsaw you in half the the sides of the underwear just stay all day without giving you a rash without cutting into you they really do and they don't move around listen i have large balls no what please don't mention my genitals i have a lot what are you republican i have large balls oh my god legs what is wrong with you what we have to start over no we don't no start over i will leave yeah put it on a little bit do not post that bye i'm contacting a lawyer who are you calling a lawyer we're starting over you tricked me that was gas fighting no it wasn't that wasn't that was your subconscious no it wasn't cause that's not true i would never say that first of all oh my god i hate the show i'm never coming back i [ __ ] hate doing this you're a monster this is so stupid snapped you snapped you just went into a total spiral based on something you said i did not want to say it you said it and then i repeated you on accident i've just been sitting here i've done nothing i'm saying that you are the next one let me tell you who the next challenge oh and it's alex am i toxic okay please buy me undies but okay let's go to court okay we're going to court will you please say your statement of why you're suing me i haven't came out again i'll think of some things okay good i can't i can't wait to hear your your your ball retort first i wouldn't see you so shut up okay anyways oh i think you're frazzled because you're thinking about me wearing me undies you're thinking about how sexy what i was gonna say was that i have big thighs and then i wear briefs and they never cut into me either which is very shocking for men's briefs yeah well i have a very big labia were you trying to fit in now we just started that over no we don't this is it i'm not starting it over this is it this is the only me undies ad we will ever do again just please repeat this one until we lose them as a sponsor look me undies you know this i've posted myself in me undies they're like velour um it's like cake it's like wearing a piece of cake as underwear it's like a car a little caramel just grazing your genitals what are you talking about i'm just trying it's the world they're the world's most comfortable underwear they're the softest nicest underwear and they guarantee they'll give your money back also they have halloween prints coming out soon ooh glow ghosts yeah so that when uh i show my i wonder if they have them on a bra for your boobs when i take uh my uh clothes off and i have my little ghost undies for the guy i'm dating i'm like don't ghost me well just so you know this is haunted when he goes down i just go boom you're like welcome to my haunted house sir guys love that me undies has a great offender for whitney's listeners for any first-time purchasers you get 15 off of free shipping this is a no-brainer especially because they have a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee which i mentioned earlier you'll be extra satisfied oh my god if that becomes a thing i'm literally gonna lose my mind to get your 15 off your first pair free shipping and 100 satisfaction guaranteed go to meundies.com whitney that's meandes.com whitney been a pleasure having you guys as a sponsor farewell i'm gonna sneeze you guys okay i'm gonna try to hide it oh my god or cry are you okay oh my god do you want me to get you i really don't need a tissue i'm just it's a fire it is i know i've been congested everyone's thinking i'm like on cocaine because i was like everyone's like um you make or you have coven which is terrible did you see the meme that went around that was like i used to cough to cover my fart but now i fart to cover my cough oh my god so good such a mom sorry you laughed and i love it that's more than a laugh i don't know if that's like truly funny to me that is like my kind of humor one-on-one um okay have you ever done a podcast like this no i love it how did we get you how did why are you doing that you texted me why are you here does your publicity doing that i just told her thank you i was like fyi this is what a bad client i am i don't they they find out things and they're like did you want to mention i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah but it's usually like a friend or something i can't believe i conned you into doing this you didn't have to call me i was so excited i have to be honest this we've had a lot of really fancy people on this podcast see that's why i was like i ought to be a part of that fancy crew truly that's how i get guests i just try to capitalize on their insecurities make them feel left out that's how i'm able to get people to do this but um this is by far the most pressure i felt of anyone why because we're friends i know but we're friends like for real from we didn't we met in a way that was like i know you kind of for you but i have i work with a lot of younger people that you're like their god oh my god is that i mean that's stress it just makes me feel really old i mean and then sometimes really cool like so there's this artist that my husband's obsessed with phoebe bridgers and i mean i'm obsessed with her too she's amazing and um we went to her show it was actually the first outing we went to after i had banks like i think she was maybe two weeks old and so i was just like milky and gross and just like you know you know how milky and gross yeah like just i'm just like a milk machine like yeah it had just kind of just comes out without you don't get to schedule it or there's not like a button i just i truly don't know [ __ ] are fake so i don't even know what would come out just like tupperware i don't know even though oh my god no well you eventually get on a schedule and then like if that's a feeding time do i need to talk into this thing you're the famous musician i feel like you know way more about microphones than i do at this point um if if if uh like in the beginning you're just kind of like the baby's feeding on demand so you just like have milk all the time okay which i i'm talking a big game because i actually don't even make that much milk which is really sad for me but um anyway we go out a lot of women that's like we can go into that milk shaming i know it's lactation shaming out there it's worse than being pregnant honestly breastfeeding like it there's that really sweet connecting moment and you're like i'm feeding my child and like you know it's lovely it's so incredibly painful in the beginning then if you don't make enough milk which i never did you've like sat there for over an hour feeding your baby and then you're just like and i have to go make a phone formula because i'm not enough i didn't make enough it's still hungry it's still crying it's never gonna go to sleep like it just it sucks you feel like is there an app for that there's an app like everything these days haven't we beat this technology isn't there better technology than it's called formula yeah why do we what and what does it feel like is it little biting like they just eventually that goes away and it doesn't hurt but like for me for six weeks it felt like someone was like slicing my nipple off with like a razor like horrible like like like shards of glass which is not pleasurable for you no it's not enough it's not a nice aggressive thing not in a good way in a bad very bad anyway um i was going on to phoebe bridges because it was our first outing and i'm like in the car like pumping pumping pumping like i'm gonna make it through a concert i'm gonna make it right and then i don't know how he knew someone was there but like phoebe found out we were there and she was like i started singing because of her and i was like first of all she's like eons way more talented than i am so i was like that is amazing but like sometimes i hear cool stories like that where i'm like that's pretty cool but i still it still makes me feel old no it's really um i know when people come up to me and they're like i watched you as a kid and like you're my hero i'm like oh god that means i have crow's feet like i need to go exfoliate um yeah so it's always like a little bit of a bittersweet compliment but it is wild because i have not had this kind of reaction from people um this comedian i'm writing with right now taylor tomlinson she's 26 years old and she's like you don't understand like she is me and i am her like it's a very intense you're like she acts just like that yeah yeah but it made me think because i always start the podcast contextualizing how we know each other if we're real friends if we're being hollywood phonies what it is because that's the whole point of podcasting is we don't have to like go on talk shows with people we're pretending we're friends with and having this inauthentic conversation that's been pre you know scripted i when i first met you i and i'm also obsessed with how we project onto people and throw our insecurities at other people and our fear takes over i feel like when i first met you i was probably a [ __ ] because i completely ignored you because i remember going like she's so famous just leave her alone like this because we like worked out together in the same space oh my god wait i never feel like you were a [ __ ] to me see see i'm obsessed with the things we invent in our heads that never happened because i was i would spend so much mental energy being like just say hi to her and leave her alone just let her have this time because it just makes me think like when you're this famous you never get you don't ever get time off from being famous oh my god you're so funny i feel like the fit like i don't ever feel like i'm that famous but thank you so much that's because everyone's pretending you're not because that's way more important we're all pretending we don't know who you are so you don't think you're famous that's so funny is that what it is yes because we're all like don't look at her don't make her feel weird and we got half the time i'm like i don't belong here i'm not cool enough to be here wow so everyone's like completely ignoring you because they're trying to not make you uncomfortable so now you really do feel like you're not famous okay so much i tell my husband that i'm like i'm so nervous like i don't know why and meanwhile they're like she's like i don't want to be the [ __ ] who's like yes but in reality she's like you're like what you know the difference there's famous there's notorious and then there's like beloved and i think that you have this beloved thing where people very much feel like um connected to you on like a soul level it's not like oh they're like you're the only person where friends were like can i come i'm like no you can't come like famous people friends of mine who are truly famous were like can i come oh my god what i know i thought it was weird too i was like pull yourself together oh my god i'm dying i feel a lot of pressure to like get this right and everyone is sending me questions to ask you and i just kind of want to let's definitely go through all of this i just want to like hang out with you um so okay so what is your what is our relationship i don't know i was just sitting in my head thinking well there was a time you didn't hire me for that job and you were tripping on um being a [ __ ] to me at a gym no no everybody i'm kidding the thing she was really a [ __ ] about is that i didn't get that job i'm just kidding um i love you think i'm the only person that got to make that decision no no no um well first of all that is i don't know if i'm forgetting about the gym part but like when we first like the first time i met you you were like lovely to me in the audi like helping me working me through the audition and like that's how that's my first recollection but i'm a little brain dead and then we worked out together and we were in the same gym and we'd sometimes have the same time slots and i remember watching her work out and you are such a beast and i just remember being like god like she's so gorgeous she's so elegant she's so sweet she's so funny and then you would just like be doing these like box jumps you were like like covered in like chains like i mean just like lifting lifting five times your body weight and i was like she's just like a little beast i am a little beast i feel like i've always been that way like i've always been just a grit like you have grit where does that come from i don't know i really don't know i think it's just kind of who i am my daughter's like that and my mom from the day i was born was like hillary you could apply red lipstick better than me by the time you were like three and a half but you could climb trees higher than all the boys and i was like that really does sum up a big part of my personality like i feel like i'm really feminine and girly and i love like to smell good and i love to like make potions and i love to do like hair makeup and fashion and blah blah but like i i do really love to like push myself and i grew up being a gymnast and um and i really love food too so do i so you basically are like i do this so that i can indulge myself um so have you carried that on with your daughter in terms of like allowing her to climb trees and not you know because i feel like the moms that let their daughters put themselves in danger the ones that had grit like you have yeah um i try to keep her alive obviously but i don't really hover at all like she i mean the other day i found her in the chicken coop you know so she's she's monitored but she's like also i have a pod going on at my house right now with like lucas he's eight and so four eight-year-olds and they'll be you know they do their pe and their recess outside and i have a lovely backyard with like an in-ground trampoline and you know just space for them to run and sometimes she'll there'll be four big kids on the trampoline and then she has like locked her legs out like just like stiff knees where her body doesn't bend and she's just like like just being bounced up so high and if i try to pull her off she's like no no no like she's just like she's she's tough do they know you're famous um some of the kids do yeah that that happened in first grade where oh my god one of my son's friends oh no my son did it to me luca did it to me your son recognized you but he had no idea what i did for the longest time like he saw me on the cover of a magazine once and we were like it's just at the grocery store and i think it was like cosmopolitan or something like kind of kind of hot as sex tricks yeah exactly oh my god no i think there was something about anal right by my head on that particular that particular not how you were conceived what i should have done but no he's my good child yeah right that's right that's right the one um i'm kidding they're both good all the time perfect angels all the time um watching this in 20 years i think he thought like oh yeah and then it's just shane's mommy's turn like next week like on the cover of the magazine you know like he just thought like oh mommy's rotate on this oh my gosh moms are on magazines yes cut to you photoshopping your these are the other kids moms onto cosmopolitan but he so he got in the car this is like maybe a year after that he got in the car i picked him up once and he was like i know your name and i was like i hope so you're in first grade you know and he's like but i know your real name and i was like what what's that and he was like hillary duff and i was like caught yeah you knew that yeah and then it was like i'm like i forget what happened after that my story is a bust but he just kind of it was funny he obviously knew my name but someone at school must have said like i know who your mom is and it's this and so like my name all of a sudden became this like different kind of secret like thing and i was like yeah i kind of had to have the talk like you know not all mommies are on the magazines and not all mommies are on tv and yes dog we've you've come to set and watched her on set oh and he can't there's nothing worse for him it's like pulling his fingernails off to come to set he's like why are you doing the same thing over and over again he doesn't understand it's so interesting to me that having to have that conversation with your kid have they seen any of your work mm-hmm not so interested not i'm not fans not a fan not a fan of my work no and i actually reached out i did the first like thing where like i would try to pull a string as like a celebrity mom because people have pulled so many strings with me over my whole entire career like i never do this and that's usually like i don't know rita wilson and tom hanks someone you know and they're like but you know um so i called my manager the other day and i was like yo this steven universe get me on it i don't know how like i need to be a voice on steven universe luca would freak out and she's like oh okay i'll look into it cause me back she's like they stopped shooting two years ago like oh okay that's now your car your choices are basically how to get on shows that your kids are gonna think i'm cool yeah yeah do you watch the shows with them well i watched steven universe with luca and it's like a thing that we do together and it's pretty hardcore like i'm invested and it's not completely painful it's actually really good there's something funny to me about like thinking of tom hanks being forced to watch lizzie mcguire with his kids yeah or like like um steven oh my god i'm drawing a blanket uh-oh google whatever colbert dwarf no ammo even tyler tyler yeah it's like he came and played santa stephen [Laughter] i feel like that was the first celebrity i met in hollywood and i was like oh my god stephen yeah i mean on a good day um wait i've lost steven tyler like him playing santa claus on lizzie mcguire you know he didn't want to do that like his guys made him do that for sure right everybody is obsessed with this lizzie mcguire what why is this chick this chick what is it i i think i know it's just because you're just so magical and relatable and what is it why i don't know is there a bigger icon legend or star than lizzie mcguire i'm trying my mine was hannah montana i almost said that but i don't think that's her job main job is to be a dick to me to keep her humble and i like this everything i shut her down all right everyone needs one is that annoying i tell her all the time i'm the boss but can i tell you maybe this is why you're so sane and humble because the main thing that people were telling me last night when i was talking about you is like how come she hasn't gone crazy how come she's not a nightmare it's you you've kept her in check become a nightmare before me no i did a pretty good job before her how did you credit whitney yeah it must know it can't be you who was it like leave the room now okay between your mom and you yeah my mom did a really good job there's there's this funny story that that my mom i came home literally six minutes late when i was 17 and a half years old and my mom took my cell phone away for like a couple of days and i was like she's savage it finally clued and i was like i paid that bill i want my phone back but like you have this mortgage exactly i pay for all the clocks that are how you know i'm late yes yes exactly that did not clue in for like a long time which is not like it's not like i was so sheltered i was definitely like i went out to clubs and like did my thing and you know my mom was great with not like she didn't spend all my money which is so wonderful you know the bar is low for moms thank you for not spending all my money yeah drugs thanks ma i it kind of is that a lot of the time which is so sad and i want to talk about your relationship okay because how much time do we have i oh this goes on for about most episodes are like three hours so you're gonna have to drag us out here tooth and nail you're just you're just gonna have to drag her out um i have a theory that i knew you were gonna get married before you did you did wait to him yep oh okay why i saw you two at rusty's dog store oh yes once yes and i saw you before that at katsuya i want to say like i saw you two once i didn't say hi once we did okay and i saw the way he followed you out like you were leaving the sushi restaurant and he kind of was like shielding you i can't explain it he like had his hands sort of behind you and was walking behind you and i was like oh they're gonna because i got a big ass he's like he was hard you were gonna tip over you had super high heels on and that bubble ass like your body's dangerous like you are it's not safe for you to walk around in the world it's like does she follow up why is he hovering around her like that and i remember just going that is love like that is i remember being like i hope she knows him because that guys or if she's going to marry that she's going to marry her or he's going to kill her one no in between when did you know honestly i didn't even know when we had a baby together this is the kind of [ __ ] i love yeah yeah we actually love to talk about this all the time because we had this you know we broke up twice once i broke up with him after how with me the first one was like a six-month run with like a a year in between and then why what were you what was your logic i was like separated from my husband like i wasn't even fully divorced yet we were definitely like living apart and able to like see other people and we knew it was going to be over but it was just complicated my son was like two and a half i was like starting to make a record he was really busy um touring and stuff so i don't know it just it kind of fizzled and didn't feel like we were gonna have a lot of time to um like spend together and grow and whatever like it just kind of and what's the rule on how soon he could meet your uh luca he didn't meet luca that time around and he didn't even meet luca until we started dating the second time and i'd say for three months for a couple months wow because i would imagine a big part of it is seeing how they interact yeah huge but like he's such a sensitive like he he you know if you tell him one time you're like oh i'm having this thing and i want to well he'll be like oh i know book like he'll like go buy you a book and just be like he's just so you know engaging with people and lovely um so i knew that he was going to be great with luca he also i have a ton of like parallels with his mother um shocker i know i love the they love their mothers i know we're actually want to marry him um his mom had a son who is 10 years older than uh matt and they like obviously live together all the time but like matt's dad basically raised uh chris and so i don't know it's just it's like a lot of the same but chris was never like i don't think matt even knew chris was his half brother for the longest time huh you know and so i think that that never part of my life never scared matt do you and his mom get along really well so well she called me on the way over here when we fight i call her what is this i tell on him all the time she's all like get to work and she's like and i talk to rhonda and yeah rwanda also what a name ronda will ream his ass for like ron i'm calling rhonda yeah she's the best she's also a therapist so like i know rhonda the therapist and mother-in-law she's gonna love this damn right i would not [ __ ] with rhonda no she's a therapist jesus she's amazing she's amazing that's so cool i feel like you should tell her about um order she gets big this gal likes to shop and she got a big shop up here's the thing about shop can we just for a second shop up i feel like in the last six months i've gotten too old for shop up oh really everything's like got poofy shoulders i don't know if they're prom dresses like they've got like i'm just like i just got too old everything's like biking shorts you just have to stick to net a poor day it's very i think so it's very i have to graduate it's too like coachella for me it's like lots of belly strings and such but for like jeans and like basic like jeans that's in the work she'll spend more time on shopbop than listening to me about working oh yeah no i'm on shop up true right now frankly i'm please keep talking no all adding to cart all day all benton does his return except for this except for that on shopbop your freaking cart disappears after 15 minutes of not purchasing it and then you'll put two hours in making the cart and you're like i end up just screen grab screen grab screen grab and i'm like can you handle this thank you it's gone nothing's in the car that is the story of my life adding things to cart so meticulously for like 45 minutes and then i go and they're all gone waste of the day oh my god i know okay so rhonda uh so she's just telling i sent her a huge bot i sent her a pair of boots as a gift from shop and then i next order and then my next order i forgot to change the address have you ever done that and i sent her a ginormous box of things that had like nipple pasties and like underwear like everything was like so small watchless dominate trick suit yeah yeah like petals yeah but yeah the little ones that are like look like um i should have gone i should have like gone deeper with that matt's on this thing right now he doesn't like nipples so it's just i have to cover them up she wouldn't believe me probably you guys should just start uh you should just buy start buying two of everything and just start dressing exactly like you wanted your mom you got better here i am okay so you broke up with him the first time timing uh is everything didn't work out the second time yeah he wished me happy birthday on my birthday and isn't that right we were like i might have been seeing someone i don't know i know well that person might kind of been back and forth with too so i don't it wasn't so serious anyway he i was coming back to new york i was coming back to l.a i was shooting in new york and i was almost like at the tail end and he's like something about sushi wait was this the time i can't remember anything right now when did he reach out on um when did he reach out through words with friends he poked me on words with friends that poked you oh the poke poke is you know so good if you're gonna poke me sir it better be in person it's not so funny yeah oh this was the third time i really can't remember it's it's messy it got really messy this is a roller coaster i think you saw me at sushi when the ti if you didn't say hi to us probably that was like the first time we were like getting back together we always go for a sushi meal and then it's like we're back or the race is done yeah so then we started dating again that was like six months and then he broke up with me because the third why the third he didn't poke him back i i didn't actually i think i poked a little too hard what was his one in the wrong hole sorry sir what what was his reasoning we had a kind of mess a really i had a rough night [Music] i gave i really gave him a piece of my mind one night it was kind of emotional time for me and um and he was just like yeah we're not this is not good right now you just let it out i did which i'm always torn on because it's like i think we have to be authentic in our relationships but at the same time my therapist is always telling me about restraint of pen and tongue not everybody needs to know everything and your person isn't your dumping ground and i was like no but i'm being authentic i just like let out all my feelings and emotions and she's like no no that's not for him that's for your therapist that's for your girlfriends like you have to restrain you know what i will say i will say that there was some things going on that we needed to work out and he kept putting them off putting them off putting them up and so i was like there's just this like this like thickness in the air that i can't change yeah and and i don't work that way like i've one thing that's so great about our relationship we will have an explosive fight like every two couple days maybe couple weeks totally normal right yeah totally um i would i would say probably every two months we have like some we gotta like cleansing a purging yes and it always ends like constructively and lovingly and great but like we never are at each other's throats or like nippy with one another or never passive aggressive no i can't i can't that's horrible that sounds really smart it's like a purge it's like a marie condo like it just took us a while to get there and the whole thing of me being like i feel like we need to talk about this thing and i i'm feeling this and i you know even if you're not like it's still real for me blah blah blah and he was just kind of like and so i just like let him have it one night and he was like see ya was that new york yeah and do you know anything about like your love language or any of that i don't know a ton about that it's interesting because i find a lot of times a lack of communication for me i translate to rejection and abandonment and being dismissive like i fill in the blanks yeah so you have the conversation and then you've made it all up in your head all of it all i've projected everything if i don't hear from you i will make up your dialogue i will just write your script i'll write the script i sent you this i'll send you the salmon pages and i just need you that's so good that's so dumb the goldenrod pages and so for me i need a lot of communication it's taken me a really long time to not fill in the blanks negatively and just go let me just wait to hear what the person actually has to say instead of making up their inner monologue yeah totally and approaching it like i've learned i have to ask a lot more questions instead of like tell like well why why did you i'm trying to think i'm trying to go back well you just probably did that because you thought i was gonna be mad at you right yeah and then they're like well you're why are you talking me into my thoughts yes yes wow that's such a good piece of advice just ask them ask more questions yeah don't tell them yeah i'll i'll i'll basically give you a lead especially if i don't want to leave especially if i don't want a red flag to come up especially if i'm conveniently trying to avoid the truth to not have the relationship end i'll be like well you just did that because you're insecure because your childhood right that's why you did that whitney no you just texted that girl because like she texted you and you didn't want to be rude and like you just want to be nice right is that why that's not dying that's right that's why that's the reason why yeah okay good we're good okay moving on like i don't want to ask because then i'm risking because you don't want to know i'm risking the truth yeah and i'm gonna get hurt yeah yeah so then how did you so what was nice about ours was that it leveled the playing field and i was like if you can't even let me like come and properly apologize which he did not let me do um that's not for me like we're not ever gonna be able to communicate well you know so we just really literally stopped talking remember how long he left his damn guitar at my house i was like finally i put a deadline on it and i was like okay well i'm leaving your guitar at the guard gate and it'll be there for 24 hours putting it on ebay i signed it and i'm putting it on ebay yeah some guys the guys can be such jerks well he left the guitar i think he knew what he was doing i don't like that [ __ ] laying around like no he clearly that was his way of saying like i'll be back well he wasn't i was like your guitar is going to be at the guard gate for 24 hours like and then what happened and he went and got his guitar and then i had to move to new york so we were like it was anyway it was kind of just like and i was so sad i was really sad i got a puppy i got momo healthy very healthy i support that i feel like sometimes matt still still holds it against momo that he was like his relationship you're the rebound rescue yeah but it was it was a probably about five months and then we reconnected again and that's when he reached out he reached out to me on campus with friends and i used to love to play words with friends like on set or whatever um and so he would see i would see him playing and i'm sure he would see me playing but he's always like that you on there oh don't accidentally like so cause like words with friends is smart like everything else should you watch the social dilemma that's a whole nother i know everyone knows it yep so it'll be like oh you played with this person would you like to play a game with them they're on now and you're like no no no don't like have a flip of the thing i cannot like whatever so i'm always like paranoid it's gonna accidentally like ask him to play a game or something so my most worst is you know that if you're spotify friends with someone they can see what music you're listening to and my ex can see that i'm like only listening to adele and like and like break up music how can they see that because if you're if you add friends on spotify you can see where your other friends are currently listening to like he can see that i'm listening to shade like he knows he knows i'm hanging out with someone yeah you gotta un-add him i know i mean it's like just kind of a go-to that or like rage against the machine depends on my mood so the rage against the machine is for the pasty that's for the the yeah the tassel the tassel knight no i can't feel my nipples they've been sawed through too many times dead on the floor yes i had a couple sketchy surgeons in the beginning took me a while to land on the legitimate one with an actual license um yes so he poked you on words so he he was like do you want to play yay oh i can't say you know a dress you yeah on um words with friends and i'm like i just ignored it i was driving i think i almost wrecked my car but i'm like i put my phone down i was like oh just do that that feeling in your stomach yes yes and so then it wasn't until like a day later and i'm like i just texted him and i was like that was a slip of the thumb huh like that was like a total mistake and he's like what do i have to do poke you because you can like poke someone to be like play with me like if they if there's no response and then i was like it's on so excited i just like got on i threw some words up on the thing and then and then that was it and then we were like you know we just when did floor happen floor happened that time what was that what's floor so there's this band that he's good friends with that i love i love i love their music and so we they were playing in la and i was like i can't go to their la show matt's gonna be there and this is before this is for the poke and so then and lauren got obsessed with floor and then our friend tate got obsessed with the floor and we're like let's go make a girls trip and go to san diego and like rent a really cool hotel room and like just go seafloor and like have fun and come back home the next day and i had just been in new york filming forever and i was like you know i could really have used a break anyway so we went to san diego to see a show just so i wouldn't run into him and then we started talking did you see him well no but he knew that i went then i had to tell him on social media no no because in between that time that we were leaving and their la show and their san diego show is when the whole conversation happened with the i know i know you love him i love him so much still yeah how did you know like how crazy too i like sometimes i'm like how the other day i found a spilled smoothie on the bottom of his car i'm sure it's been there for at least three and a half months i was like you're disgusting the thing has like a green crusty yeah i know i don't know if you just didn't smell it he didn't i don't know it was like i don't know so what probably he smells too you know that i but he's a little smelly but here's the thing whenever anyone complains about relationships like the he leaves the toilet seat up the cap off the toothpaste if you like him it's cute there's something endearing about it all the things that annoy you about certain people with the person that you're in love with it's like i can't stay mad at you i don't know that you think it's all cute but i just think that i love him so much but he's so funny he's so funny and he's so clever like i really i do i love his brain so you know what else i like about him just the times that i've seen him he seems very self-contained and i would say i mean by that very self-contained like um like you know when you meet someone and they feel the need to like perform for you or prove something to you or like he wasn't like peacocking or posturing like you know you i've just seen so many people in relationships especially with like a public figure where they have to say i'm the boyfriend and i'm the you know it was just like yeah no just what it's it's a it's almost an imperceptible thing that's just more body language than anything else but i was like this guy has nothing to prove he's not trying to be the center of attention he's not like angling for anything it's like you know i think when you've been in the public eye long enough you can feel when someone has needy energy yeah or they're trying to prove that they can like keep up or something like that i mean because because i remember because he was just like hi and just like kept moving and i was like oh you didn't want nothing from me that's insulting frankly okay not a star [ __ ] then you're like i'm like hey don't you wanna okay fine friend me i play words with friends too hit me i finally broke down actually on our honeymoon we were playing um bananagrams have you ever played that i have not kind of like scrambled but you guys have already by the way we were like playing pasties and bananagrams this is kinky wow that pretty much thumbs up by the way nude pasties let's not get crazy they're not sparkly they're not like black they look like an accident happened yeah it's like an ace bandage oh my god i cried on her honeymoon after he beat me so bad so many times i was like it's not fair you do words all day long all you do is do words because he like writes you know like this isn't fair and for every time that like i have to pick like i only want to pick up every three times that you say peel it's like okay that's fine so this is your biggest fight oh no no no no there's been a lot i mean we fight give the guy a break because in your dream last night he cheated on you i know with tiffany how can i dare him with tiffany yeah amber thiessen that's what he said he said lee thiessen and i was like at least get it right tiffany the singer he said tiffany lee thiessen and i was like it's amber these thank you i know for someone who claims to be in love with her in high school get it right that is an irreconcilable difference no tiffany's not even real tiffany the other thing the one from the 90s no that's just what i was trying to make her a real person tiffany's a jeweler that's how much he loves you he's like yeah that tiffany engagement ring box oh my god so he cheated uh in your dream and what how will he pay for that he apologized no he didn't he's just like he apologized for cheating on you in your mind yes i made a really big deal of it i was like are you cheating on me like we need to talk i feel like i'm like building this whole story in my head and now you're cheating on me and tiffany's real and tiffany's at the studio all the time and do i need to come drive by and do and he was like do i need to come remind tiffany that i'm hillary duff do i need to drive by and remind her of my body and face i really like to just make big deals of things because i think it's funny to see his reaction because he will be like very genuinely like sorry and usually i'm like [ __ ] with him i know we're so cruel are you monsters no i gotta get my rocks off somehow we're in like quarantine okay i'm i don't like it when podcast hosts just sloppily and [ __ ] about pretending to use their sponsors i'm gonna go to my doordash app i didn't know you had started the ad yet and i was like what are you saying to me yeah i'm authentic keep up jump on i'm gonna show you my doordash orders so you see that this is really my favorite app on the planet i doordash joey restaurant what did i get i spent two hundred and sixty-eight dollars uh whoa i've gotta stop uh smoking weed and ordering from doordash i like this place a little too much oh i had a bunch of friends over for my birthday we'll say that it was a baby we'll go with that i had well that's the best is when you would you say you ordered uh a miso ramen farmer's milk that's so weird because in your video you posted for your birthday you had taco bell oh interesting which also you can get on doordash great segue benton i'm going to turn your judgment into a perfect address when people know you ordered that by yourself zanuku chicken oh so good it's so good so good and doordash brings it literally you know what when doordash delivers that it's hot fresh and it's ready to go and that isn't always is it hot fresh and ready to go that's not a joke i love ordering that from doordash i like doordash not even reading the ad because you guys know this there's a big computer screen with like a written ad we don't have to look from now on you tell us when you are reading that we're authentic so what i like is i'm a creature of habit i'll eat the same thing every day won't i tea i tru i will eat the same thing every day but i like going to doordash because it shows me all these other things so i am like forced to have variety because i'm like oh i never would have thought of that i never would have thought of the six this place it's like a fish place and i was like oh yeah i'll do that delicious delicious right the six is the place that you were just doing that for other people doordash is food with all this food saying i like that every time i go on it shows me a different um variety of restaurants so i'm always getting something different sometimes i want thai sometimes i want chinese over 300 000 partners in the u.s puerto rico canada and australia you know i'm in order from there urban plates but you also can just like look get like soda from smart and final if you're like out of oh yeah i order from 7-eleven all the time it's not just meals i think people forget that um doordash you can also just be like oh god i need some scotch tape to put over benton's mouth help tape would work it wouldn't stick to my beard um doordash deliveries are now contactless as well so they keep you safe safe super safe right now our listeners can get five dollars off their first order of 15 or more and zero delivery fees for the first month when you download the doordash app and enter code whitney that's five dollars off your first order and zero delivery fees for a month when you download the doordash app in the app store and enter code whitney don't forget that's code whitney for five dollars off your first order with doordash um it's time to do an ad for quip you guys i hope we get through it without benton ordering my producers to cut parts of it out listen let's see if we're gonna be able to even oh my god i hope someone's gonna mark all the time she bullies me down someone write them down in the comments i'll use it my case um this is an airtight case you got going stop it i'm sure i have something i would never do that that's so disgusting you know what it actually is is me walking around naked that's your biggest case no i wouldn't i would never that's disgusting to me like that i'm named naked no that's great i know with someone you're not allowed to walk around that's a joke i'm not going to sue any i love her but but i am traumatized that she may mention that in the last chapter i am on one today i would like to talk about my gorgeous teeth okay aren't they beautiful my gorgeous teeth me too let me talk about mine as well um i have everybody compliments me on my teeth and i don't i don't know if they're mocking me but they're beautiful everyone i've never gotten teeth whitening anything else should i just say yeah look i'm i'm i my self-esteem is in the toilet one thing i do feel good about are my gorgeous chicklety-ass teeth and she's segwaying into this because this quip toothpaste truly well white it's no joke this is i'm so obsessed with this toothpaste but quip here's the thing that i love about it you know how distracted i get like if i'm doing one thing i'll just start doing another thing if i'm cooking i'll just like walk away in the house quip tells you when to br how to brush your teeth and for how long on each tooth it's got this can you guys hear it i'm trying to push it up again it's very cool no you they probably can't hear cause it's a very quiet vibration i know it's really but i want to wake up first in the morning here like oh god that works but it it basically like will stop when you can move to the next two yeah pulses you know because i will basically give up at the back teeth i'm just like ah whatever the front teeth yeah don't fall out no one will know yeah no i don't care i'll just get caps at some point and look how sexy this tutorial oh yeah it's so sleek this part sticks to touch my quip this part if she would take it out the package ever will stick to a mirror or in the bathroom or something in the shower who what kind of weirdo brushes their teeth i have one in my shower and outside the shower wow supportive of those of you uh i watched everything else in the shower why can't i brush my teeth will you put this here so that we can show them how it stays stick it to your no i will not do that but it is really cool futuristic it is like a blade runner toothpaste it really is very chic and mine's all black two minute timer 30 second pauses for a guided clean it's lightweight it's sleek no wires no bulky charger oh my god that's easy to travel with other electric toothbrush you have a charger and then a cup and then a thing and it's just like it goes to my phone like an app on my phone i have to turn it on it's like a bomb that's about to go off at any minute eco-friendly solar battery charger to power your quip with sunshine isn't that poetic it's really cute too there's a refresh bra brag brain that's that's uh uh uh freudian slips i was just bragging about my teeth refresh bag to bring your good oral care habits everywhere you go oh it's nothing moving tooth brushes in traveling is so gross oh yeah you know what i'm traveling and the cases get all just they get all crusty and they and you're like should i still use that like is that clam chowder it's growing an ecosystem oh my god it's so gross like is that e coli sorry i'm getting a text from a hot man who's turned on by my gorgeous teeth they also have mint or watermelon for adults watermelon anti-cavity ingredients strong healthy teeth join over 5 million mouths who use quip and save hundreds compared to other blue tooth brushes when you get equipped smart brush for only 45 that's ridiculously reasonable yeah of course start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today and go to get quipped dot com slash whitney right now to get your first refill free that's your first refill free at get quip dot com slash whitney that's get g-e-t quip q-u-i-p dot com slash whitney quit better oral health made simple and rewarding have you been cheated on though i'm pretty sure yeah yeah i'm like that too i'm always like i haven't been cheating on them because i have what am i thinking but you know what not so badly that i feel like it affects me all the time but then obviously there's a little bit of something in there that affects me you know do you know what i mean like i think when it happened and i'm not even 100 100 sure it happened i feel like your gut knows we know no but i think it was like that's fine i'm it's done anyway sometimes it's like thank you for putting that nail in the coffin yeah that i didn't yes but it's still like by the way if matt cheated on me i would be like dead on the floor so that's how i know i really love it i mean i do think that's part of really loving someone everyone's like oh the jealousy a little bit of jealousy is part of yeah loving someone you know yeah like i i mean it's hot that you're mad at him that he's fake cheating on you and your wild brain you know there's literally like had the conversation with him this morning and he um i had to send a picture of my daughter to the pediatrician and um i can't believe i'm telling this i don't know if i really want to tell this so your sister will call me later with a lawsuit would you serve me papers let me know we'll cut it out my my phone was upstairs and so he had his phone i'm like can i just take a picture um to send to the pediatrician but instead i sent it to my phone to send to the pediatrician because i was already talking to him a bunch of other things and right after that picture i saw a picture of him just like brushing his teeth a video of him just like brushing his teeth but he had like no shirt on and it wasn't like by the way he's not that person to be no shirt on but like completely just out of the shower like this like that looks like something weird he would like send to me when we were like dating and clearly i just got cheated on in my dream so i was like what like who's he sending this to what is this for it was for um like a takeover that he had to do like this morning i was like who just in the video two of you brushing your teeth and he's like i'm like who is it tiffany and she's like oh my god you're insane also like if i was cheating on you that's not the video i don't know probably it is he's such a weirdo i'd like to think of a little better game a little better game than that well he doesn't really i mean i mean i'm attracted to his game but clearly like his game is like sending words with friends that's a really good point maybe that is like a salacious sex tape in his mind but who was the person he sent it to was like a funny name lady something lady yeah lady g or something like that lady gaga i don't know was in charge of he had to do like a takeover take over and he was like it's i'm pretty sure it's a gay man i was like okay why does he call you half orange oh because when we were dating uh one time i was doing an interview for a magazine and it was when i was single but i what people just didn't know we were dating yet and this girl sat me down during the interview and she was really nice but she was so concerned that i was still single and i was like i couldn't just be like no no i'm not i'm actually really happy they think you have like a terminal illness if you're single and if you say you're happy you're lying you're deluding yourself yes and she passed me this book that she wrote called finding your half orange isn't that funny and so like we really i am going to read it i am going to buy it i have a copy of your video thank you please please give it to me immediately i have to go read it right now um anyway i don't know why i just i sent him a funny picture like i sent him a picture of the book after the interview was over and now we've just been each other's half orange since what is that why is it like women you can't you're hillary duff you have an incredible life you have incredible you have an incredible child an incredible family around you there's no way you could be happy without a man there's no way you can be complete it's impossible i have to tell you that i was always really happy without a man like i i'm really happy with a man but like even through i'm so happy with you we've been to hawaii so many times together the people belmont dynamic is my favorite people congratulated her when i came pregnant one year because matt was on tour seriously isn't that funny people that work there that knew us but can i tell you i think that the people with the best relationships with their partner have great girl friendships yeah do you know what i mean like this is part of it you know like we're designed to be in a village we're designed to be around our girlfriends all the time so that you don't take all this madness to him i know you know and we take a very small portion of the madness to him because i i i think for me in my 20s certainly i would just throw myself into a relationship abandon all my friendships that's such a 20s thing to do i know gosh so dumb and it's so heartbreaking afterwards i know and then you're like crawling back with your tail between your legs and you're like remember me guys can i come back into your friend groups i mean it's our conditioning too you know we really are conditioned to believe that our man should always come first but to me like but sometimes the man demands that in an unhealthy way too like i have to have all of you yeah no one like really isolates and stuff been through that one too that's hot oh so how are you able to have chill this gaggle of children and do everything that you do how do you do it but you you're the reason now that i've met you i know how she's able to do everything she does no i am not i'm not i just don't understand how you're able to do all of this do you get tired do you get exhausted do you get yeah i drink wine what kind uh i drink a lot oh my god now it's in my head i watched did you watch the amy schumer um cooking show with her husband um uh amy learns to cook yeah yeah she's on the phone with jennifer lawrence and then jennifer lawrence calls her a [ __ ] for drinking sauvignon blanc now i can't get it out of my head i feel like such a [ __ ] muffin that's all i like to drink and jennifer lawrence thinks that because it is kind of a like uh it gets the job done i mean give me a chardonnay i'm gonna barf in the glass it's so gross i mean it's not like zima i mean it's not like a wine cooler nice savvy on blocks out there i love but i love a red wine too me too me too i'm gonna go tonight now you're gonna go sleepy time yes and i got two kids that i gotta not go sleepy time for i wanna talk about your wedding because this is a creepy thing to say but i did have your wedding dress saved in my instagram favorites when i was engaged looking for wedding dresses the jenny pacquiao right how did you pick that and where is it and can i have it oh my god you can totally i'm so serious i'm so sad i'm never going to wear it again so you can why not why don't we dye it's like this incredible it's got like shoulder pads and like a cape on the back right and these like long sleeves i'm like that's exactly what i want like cruella de vil hot matrix modern space [ __ ] it's in the attic if you want to come over yeah i'm not kidding let's dye it um green and pink i'm serious that dress like forest green would be amazing oh my god yeah i'm probably never gonna fit in it again but and how was um uh the wedding i'm gonna tell you the wedding was like the best night of our whole entire life you look so happy it was so much fun we're just sad that it was over with so fast like how did you did you do bridesmaids in that whole thing just because you didn't want to have to thanks with my bridemaids my bridesmaids yeah and she held it together too i can't believe she did and luca wrote wrote the like sweetest poem for our wedding he got up and spoke and i think i remember it was like or at least i remember the beginning our family is a galaxy shooting across the cosmos um magical dreams of mine come true in my family's home and heart like something so beyond sweet i'm telling you he's a good child i can't give that one away to you so with this thing with the pandemic and homeschooling is it sort of less weird for you because you were schooled on sets and your schooling was so weird no it's horrible it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me the worst thing that's ever happened to me minus the fact that i'm obsessed with him i wanted to like and i love spending time with him i wanted to kill him you know what is so hard is i'm hard on him but not like i have other friends that are way put more way more pressure on their kids than him he's really sensitive so i can't push too hard but like i'm a very firm believer like my mom pushed me i'm a very firm believer that like you gotta practice to get good at what you you know and how do you know a kid is sensitive like how do you go like oh this is a sensitive kid like how do you know when to push and when to i mean he just will like completely shut down interesting or he's just not like he can't handle it he's like he'll get really i'm like i rarely have to raise my voice at him but when i do oh my god it's like it's like i beat him before or something like he's like oh my god i know i know he's a little older now so it's not as bad but like he's i just have to handle him with like this also might be this just next generation of parents actually has the tools to be able to raise boys without this toxic masculinity [ __ ] like we're not doing the man up throwing baseballs at all of our boys when they're five not letting i wonder if just boys and generals are more sensitive than we've ever known i think they are haven't you ever like i mean i know i've dated a couple of guys that like never talked never had you know never opened up and then they do and you're like i thought it was weak or [ __ ] yeah yeah early or whatever it is yeah and then when they do they cry for like four days and you're like okay easy buddy i need to be able to stay attracted to you okay let's not i'm just losing i cannot ever have sex with you again vagina drying up yeah stop it i love you and you might you might you might just do that oh my god so that because i'm just fascinated by this new generation of parents that are allowing boys to express all sides and not be like put in a box of like here are your gi joes and here's your yeah i will say he was always really attracted to boy things um he did like a shopkin though for a minute he still loves the shopkins he's super protective over those and i'm like share those with your sister and he's like some of them are rare i'm like you don't really care that like they've been in a box like forever and now she wants to play with them and now you care like no do are all the toys that we played with growing up are they cancelled they're kind of our barbies cancelled they're all sexist mr potato head it's cancelled is mr potato head cancer i don't know i'm just saying is everything's in um toy story okay i don't know who knows i don't know it's like it could be body shaming to take the nose off i like honestly at this point i'm sure every toy we played with is problematic now oh my god well a few of them are a few of them i think they've like tried to like make them yeah barbie used to be like an anorexic mess yeah yeah that was no good perky with those giant boobs with no nipples like you with your petals covers actually oh my god inspiration are there any like uh because oh in quarantine i was watching movies that i watched when i was a kid and i looked back and i was like this is dark like i watched like the wizard of oz i was like this is so bleak it's like this 16 year old who's like emotionally taking care of all these like random old creepy guys like i watched charlie and the chocolate factory which i thought was like a magical movie when i was a kid and i looked back and it's just like so sad it's so weird and dark and all the kids die i mean it's like is there anything they die i get like stuck in tubes and they get not dead i don't know their parents go get violet she's like the blueberry like by the way no nobody died none of those shocked none of those things he i tried to hold my breath the amount of time he was in that too there is no way he survived that thing as far as i'm i was concerned as a child he died i mean i didn't know but yeah because they were sort of like we're going to see them at the end or something but we in the kid that shrunk into the little tv yeah it was bleak i've never watched charlie in the chocolate what i'm i know i'm so much younger than both of you so and it's been a pleasure talking with hilary jeff today and that's all for our show it's time for you to leave and next week cameron diaz um but um he is much more famous than me though you i don't know i show up i don't know if i don't think you know how famous you are and i love that i'm happy for you because otherwise i think you'd be i think we need to stop talking about it because i think you'll be very traumatized if you do find out oh my god census came to the house the other day do you remember when we were at um the we were at an animal rescue event and there was a fan that had like yes and you were like i literally body checked this person i body checked somebody i just it was like this fan i think had like won a contest or something but was like holding a bunch of photos of you for you to sign and yeah you know when you do what we do there's sometimes people just show up and you don't know where they've come from and you don't know what's going on and i didn't even like know you i just like i literally like you guys we need to get rid of this person you're like no she won a contest i want to talk to her like you were just like so open and kind and you didn't have this like fear or paranoia and i don't how have you gotten this far without being scared for your safety yeah at all times there's been i mean i want to murder you there's been a few times where i i have been actually scared and i i would say that it it in my um just getting older i i set bigger boundaries you know for not not necessarily at an event like i can kind of wrap my head around what that is and have to just go into it with like an openness of this is gonna last for probably four hours and and sometimes you know what we're like and with you that's what i mean when you're done you're done yeah and i've actually gotten a lot more assertive in my just daily life if i need to be you know with people that are i feel are like taking advantage at a certain point i'm usually like so willing to take a picture with you or to say hi to you have a quick conversation you know but i i am a mom and i i fight so hard for normalcy and for my kids you know and um and even for myself like i i do i just walk around like pretty open i'm an over sharer to the max i love it and um i mean literally i was going to tell you census showed up to our house and my my nanny called me and was like oh census is here and they have a bunch of questions they want to ask you i literally would have been like um okay here's who lives here and this is how much i make and and my husband thank god he like got the phone call and was like ah you can send it in the mail but when i feel comfortable answering those questions i would have been like do you want to know where the safe is like i don't know you're just so desperate to talk to somebody yeah and quarantine what are you doing what's up how are you girl you know what i was going to talk to you about was the kid thing and the in the homeschooling because i know a lot of moms are like relating to that right now was as accepting as i am of like who my child is and his strengths and weaknesses being his teacher highlights all of the things that like you think they need to be better at and it's like normally you have a normal um exposure to it because your kids like go to school during the day and they'll come back and you'll be like okay we need to work on this one thing but when you're doing it all day long you're like capitalize the first like letter in the sentence yes and i just told you that five times why is this so competitive don't do that again you know like finally like week 11 you're like oh my god you're terrified oh my god yeah i know it's so scary and like it was so intense i'm like thank god teachers aren't their parents aren't well yes aren't teachers of their kids right right because there's a separation where they're like they don't have that relationship right you know i don't have to yes be your boss you get to kind of be the cool um respite when they come home and you're like oh that teacher is really hard but let's do the homework it gets to be sort of like you get to be good and they're evil yeah but when you're the one driving the ship all day long just totally like blurred the lines of everything it was horrible it's the worst most traumatic thing yeah it's like you don't want to be the good guy and the bad guy you just want to be the good guy when they come home and playful and fun and loving and like i gotta lay the law down sometimes but it's also like um i was uh talking to one of my nieces and um was going through some of her homework with her also like the stuff we learned is not true um oh my god please i need examples oh no literally we're like going through her history book and you know and uh she's like yeah we're you know studying you know thanksgiving and i'm like oh yeah the when the the pilgrims came over and had a fun dinner with the native americans and they all got along she's like i don't think that's what happened i'm like no no no no they gotta look and like everyone had a wonderful deal together christopher columbus discovered america she's like that's not what my textbook says oh my god everything's been updated everything's been updated and everything we learned was like is completely canceled they we we didn't learn about like the genocide and all that wait did you ever know that i dressed up like an indian for halloween and got crucified and i completely understand why but like exactly like you said didn't grow up educated thinking that that was a bad dinner no we didn't yep nope they were friends and they shared a turkey leg and they were posing together not what happened no well i'm from washington dc and we were the redskins and i had redskins sweatshirts and i had redskins hats and i would wear redskins hats they're changing that now right yeah no that's gone now yeah but it's gone now no that's gone that's my husband in quarantine what's the butter with the um orlando lakes yep cancelled we had one with the headdress and he was like whoa we got one of those they're not making them any no no we gotta throw this butter away real fast yeah i get in trouble all the time for things that i got in trouble for saying basket case because basket i was calling myself a basket case i was like i'm such a basket case today and i got all these um letters that were like that was what uh was described um described world war one uh soldiers if they lost all their limbs and they could fit in a basket they were a basket case and i was like i i'm trying to insult myself i'm not trying to hurt someone else i'm trying like don't yell at me because i have low self-esteem i'm in this really weird like i'm just trying to be quiet right now which also you're going to get in trouble for you know your silences yeah yeah is taking a lie right it's really scary to open your mouth and i love that we're in this um area where we're all being enlightened you know and we're all but it's it is extremely sensitive and like like saying basket case how are you supposed to know that that's a term that's been used for a long time and maybe it should be eliminated but like should you be crucified for it in that moment you know like i just i feel like it's so scary to talk and say anything but i also think that like it's interesting and ben and i argue about this all the time it's like you know i think that america on one hand does not want to have hollywood people tell them what to do and how to vote and how to live you know but at the same time we're supposed to use our platform responsibly so i just feel like as long as it's authentic and your heart is in the right place there's always going to be people that are going to want to like complain but most people are just love you and we amplify the negative [ __ ] you know like three people sent me a basket case thing and i'm like everyone was mad at me yeah they weren't they weren't sensitive i'm blowing that out of proportion yeah that's my [ __ ] i know why is in this i'm not trying to get information out of you from this why is this lizzie mcguire thing so secret why is it like a like an fbi mafia secret well i think i've been pretty open about it yeah of talking about just how there was a change and it's but why is it like we can't talk about it and you no one knows anything what what is what has anyone ever i talk about it all the time yeah i think that um yeah exactly i'm just here's the i'm just curious i don't want to talk i don't want you to say anything that you don't want it's more like i'm fascinated because people are so obsessed with you you saying oh this season this she's gonna go to new zealand like no one's gonna not watch it you know what i'm saying i'm just so fascinated by the like psychology of that oh well i hope you're not wrong i hope if i go to new zealand people want to watch or lizzy i don't mean like they are going to watch this thing regardless of how many spoilers are given away so i'm just sort of obsessed with the shrouded and i don't think that it's by the way there's nothing to be like that secretive about except for that we had to like regroup and re like end like pivot yeah and i think that them being a newish network by the way they're like crushing it and doing phenomenal but like this is a big thing for them and it's actually it's also a really big thing for me and something that i didn't think i would ever revisit and then you know opening the door and and it sounds so cheesy to say heart but really my heart like something i've worked my whole entire life to try not to be lizzie mcguire and even though i'm like i love her and i'm so grateful for that like i did spend a lot of time being like i'm different i'm something else i'm you know and now i'm like oh she's the best yeah you know i love her and i love that and and the thought of doing it again is really exciting for me and really huge but it just has to be done the right way and i think we i think what was secretive about it was that we kind of like came but but it had not butted heads a little bit but like they had to do what's right for their network and i was like well i have a responsibility you know so we're on a really good track and i think everything's looking good but i think they were just like you know protective of what people knew and same with me like that's it it's not that like story line is protected it's more like oh we're we're pausing yeah we're gonna see if we can so as someone that has been on the other side of this is as well um it's so hard to do that when there's a machine there's a train going in one direction you have all these people you have all these this money at stake you have all this a really big train like arguably the biggest train i mean disney arguably the train yeah going in one direction i just remember seeing it and just going god i don't even know what happened here but i know she is a [ __ ] badass i don't even know what happened and like i mean i've been you know in in situations that are not even a fraction of as stressful as that and it's just like i just that is some boss [ __ ] you're so you're so kind thank you um there are more times within the last few years where i sat down and i'm like i am a boss i am tough i am strong i am this but you know that's not my normal like overall feeling of myself that was a very easy thing for me to do like i but lizzie mcguire would never be lizzie mcguire without the people that cheered her on so naturally and authentically it was the fans no one knew that little show on disney channel was gonna like do what it did and then it just lived on and lived on and lived on and you know i think it just touched people at the right time and whatever i did that brought to the table like it just from something worked you know and so to have that little hiccup and that bump the road and then just just be like totally quiet i couldn't i didn't do it and i opened up myself to her and you know um and the conversations with disney were like keep go it was all like very positive but confusing yeah and so i was like well i gotta say this you know yeah and it was just a responsibility to the people that love her and the people that got so excited yeah and and um it's almost like you spoke for all the fans it's almost like you had to take on everyone yeah i can't like just silently not not not do this so it's it's i pray to god it still happens and i'm so excited and there's some new like players and i'm still super super involved i have to go shoot younger first um and then you know hopefully we'll be like up and running again because i think it could be really special and i know they feel that way i know that they're like measure twice cut once that's the whole thing imagine yeah imagine doing something that you're so proud of that touched so many people and like getting it wrong i can't what's yeah can you imagine anything more devastating yeah i don't know if it was going to be wrong but i just mean like not exactly um aligned with your heart or soul or spirit or instinct all we have is our instincts that's all we have anyway especially as an actor all you have is your gut yeah and i just i feel like i was thinking about you because um my last special i had you know uh was talking about getting engaged and i found i lost so many i gained so many people then i feel like i lost a lot of girls who thought that i was like their single friend and that i got engaged and like oh we're you know just like having to age publicly and sort of this pressure to sort of stay who you've always been like i just felt like all this pressure not even close to as public as you are i i felt this pressure of like oh i have to stay broken i have to stay crazy i have to stay in my 20s forever i have to stay single forever because that's how people know me and then i found myself actively not maturing and growing because i was worried i would lose some people i was worried that they wouldn't feel as connected to me or related to me you know so it's an interesting thing to have to do that publicly you know you've had no problem with it um it seems like oh no i think that you're wrong are you kidding i was so scared to like have a baby yeah grow up you know like almost my whole entire life he'll be like you're so great never change yeah yeah we stay little izzy forever like i i can't like i'm a human being you know so definitely maybe not in my you know 20 mid 20s or something but like younger than that when i'm like i want to go like yeah you know yeah um but that's hard because you know it's never great to feel stuck right or to be a kid even to like think that your fan base only will accept you in this way but really they love you yeah and they want to grow too which is so interesting because everyone that um is i've have to block them on my phone because they won't stop texting me about you they're like we've watched her grow and we watch her have a baby and we watch her get this beautiful house like they're like they feel like you're their best friend and have love to like watch you flourish you know i think in in comedy i have this thing where it's like you have to be crazy for people to like you you have to be like a mess or something and it's like taking me a long time and like watching you has been very inspiring to go like no like people that love you want you to win you know and i think a lot of times in my girlfriendships or you know um that i think people can relate to listening like if your friends are don't celebrate when you grow and good things happen to you they're not your friends you know sometimes you only have friends when you're down and they you know want you to fail or want you to be a master you're happy to see you there you lose friends sometimes when you grow and when you edify yourself you know you can't take everyone with you so how do you decide what to share and when to like take the steps forward or leaps and like you know such a good question and i it's like a natural thing where you just like i'm tired like i can't do it anymore what you said about um the thing with your half orange when you snapped there's just only so much time you can hold something in and when i start feeling like i'm carrying shame or being inauthentic or phony or fake yeah that's when i go like oh i'm just lying to people yeah and that feels weird i need to release that i need to share that and there are other times when i'm like you know what i don't need to [ __ ] like when i went through my my breaking up with my engagement everyone was like so excited for me because i was like the girl that was like never gonna get married and like you know it's like people think if you're a woman who's single that your life must be like so miserable um and i felt all this pressure to not tell everyone um but then i started feeling inauthentic and like i was lying and betraying people and i was feeling like all this shame and i couldn't make i couldn't be funny i also couldn't be funny because i couldn't make jokes i had to keep pretending i was engaged so i just like i was like oh my job is to show up and make these people laugh and i can't do that so now this is actually like a liability a hard job you have to make people laugh i mean how do you do that that is so hard you make people laugh and cry and all the things you stand there in front of them like it's called a bad childhood that's what it's called give one to your daughter and she can also do this i said don't go home tonight don't feed her dinner and completely ignore her in the chicken coop leave her in the chicken coop let her get packed and she too can grow up to have a a bird rip her lip off you guys i haven't told you the story but i had a bird ripped my lip in half yesterday and it looks like i have herpes um which is just a great look around hillary duff um but uh but yeah it's just like such a fascinating um thing to have to decide i think it's all your gut and there are times when i'm like i should keep that to myself for self-care like i need to keep that like i talked really openly about um struggling with eating disorders and stuff and there are days when i'm like i wish i hadn't shared all that because it's taken me so long to move through them and to not think about food in my body all day every day and then someone will come up to me and be like you i have an eating disorder and you got me through and i'm like ah it's a tuesday at 2 30 at the airport and i don't want to have to think you know and i'm like yeah i'm like it is what it is and i'm so grateful that that affected anybody in a poignant way because when i was going through it all i wanted was to read a book about someone who had gone through it because i thought i was the only one but there are times that i'm like i wish i hadn't shared that yeah oh me too oh like when i the time that i ate um my placenta and oh yes and then everyone was like might the quote was like it was delicious i'm like hold on dude okay did you eat it in pill form or did you how did you eat it not quite in pill form but this is the whole conversation maybe for the other podcast you have one of those you mean the one we cut you mean the one that hits the cutting room floor the one that doesn't air so i had a home birth and my midwives i call them the witches they're pretty like hippie dipping a little like different thinking right love it and uh my sister ate her placenta but like in pill form right freeze dried kind of thing i don't know if she she she did it i don't know how much because it's got some kind of vitamins in it yeah they say that you you're it it like stops your body from like hemorrhaging after you have a baby like you re-put it in the other way i know i mean it feels like that ship has sailed in terms of what's going on down there yeah just stop the bleeding now is like um anyway but animals do eat their placenta in the wild but do they do that because they don't want predators yes to remove this yeah to remove the smell of blood they say that it gives you all kinds of like energy and nutrients and helps balance your hormones and stuff like that and i'm still completely like repulsed by it but they were like we usually like um the moms will like put a little tiny piece of it in a smoothie and like lots of strawberries i know i find a smoothie that was on the floor of his car no i hope not but you know what that is such a good one because when he does bad things and i get mad at him i like to torture him like i'll hide his phone i have no idea like he'll be searching one time he got sick and i like crank the heat in our bedroom like 77. i know she's aggressive but i think it's so funny and he cheated on me in my mind and then i cranked the heat on him and then he apologizes this feels like i don't know i'm really not that scary i think i'm fun to live with dm me if you need help dude yeah ready if you need a place to stay for the night let me know oh my god like wear orange on your instagram if you need help you're just like gaslighting him turning the heat up and without telling it sometimes he deserves it he's like i have govern but you're turning the heat up on me no i'm kenny that is such a wild prank and then you're like who are you sending that video to like i'm chewing my cha um so you ate your placenta do you think it worked no i didn't like eat the whole i didn't like eat the whole thing as a micro dose i micro dosed and it was in like a like when was the last time you ate a smoothie that was like made with apple juice a quarter after never right like yeah yeah so delicious like an apple i've had apple juice since i was like in detention as a kid i don't think those little apple juices that are like the little round tree ones yeah yeah like tree top yeah tree top yeah so it was like legit apple juice with like strawberries and berries and banana and like i literally didn't even taste it yeah yeah and or maybe your placenta just tastes like sugar i was like aren't they like purple like like big like orbeez okay but let's i know it sounds gross but it's so badass that a woman can grow a temporary organ i mean it's and then you can eat it yourself you're like also time for you to go let's go back to talking about your bloody nipples oh my gosh oh i don't know i just assumed with the breastfeeding oh you felt like you had glass cutting your nipples oh oh yeah yeah they never blend you don't like it i don't even remember the pasties your nipples have been through a lot you really you really subject them to a lot he's gonna kill me that's my publicist but i didn't tell him sorry kristen sorry not sorry um can i i'm just i'm getting dry i love so okay there's a couple things number one i know i have to let you go soon but um number one you changed my life because i watched a makeup tutorial video you did like i was like yesterday i was like doing research and stuff and you did this thing with your eye brush where your where it your eye yes your crease and then you went down the side of your nose and i blew my mind that's called the jlo did you just learn to do this from growing up on sets with makeup artists yes yeah i think after lizzy is like when i started doing like and i got into like music so i was like you know working with like a lot of different makeup artists and stuff and i was like i realized i loved makeup a lot of people want to know if you getting into music was your choice 100 my choice i want to be britney spears not now you had me on the floor talking about britney spears the other day i love her i love her till the day i die what are we gonna do you can get her cause you weren't being mean and you know like but you were being funny and the facts were there and i was like i'm dead right now i mean that and i were dying why don't we i just we have to do something maybe she's perfectly happy you think would you be happy and wearing the same pres peasant top every day for four months for that arden b peasant top and then low rise i mean that that i mean the yellow stitch on the denim shorts all figured out but those hollow little shorts we're living in right now i know that's a good point that's a good point she's been in corn literally my husband's like honey i'm feeling too much i can't like the fires and the election and the world is we're all gonna die do you try to protect yourself from that i've started doing less news how do you do less news like it it finds you there's no yeah it's so true find you can't escape it now you know the good news for me is i have my kids so i can literally be like they need uh a snack and a water and a lunch and the two shoes on and you know what i mean like this is what i'm gonna need for the day like here's their schedule here's what you know like focus on just like the small things instead of the the things you can actually solve the things you can actually control instead of all the things we can't what's your take on lying to kids when it's necessary you have to right um santa claus easter bunny the whole thing oh 100 but i think maybe this is going to be the year for a little but you know what is funny is i think some kids like to hold on to the hold on to the magic like because we have the elf on the shelf oh yes so thrilled for jimmy to come back he can't wait and by the way jimmy's a [ __ ] ton of work there are times where i'm like in bed and matt and i will be like jimmy like one of us will like paper boxes or who's got to go move him and like do something epic with him i feel like they kind of know like i look back and i'm like i feel like i knew there wasn't a giant fairy that took my teeth you know what i mean like i'm trying to look back you think luca knows about the tooth fairy no and i have no i legit sprinkled some fairy dust on the dollar bill and he was like it's shiny like i can't tell if that's traumatizing to them or not like we look back and i'm like yeah my parents lied to me about literally everything all the time and i like always wonder what i'm going to do you you have it's so fun let them have the magic they're fun and they'll be fine they'll be fine that's the least traumatic thing you're just like every kid okay what is halloween gonna be what do you have to lie about for halloween i mean do you already have costumes lined up i feel like you guys i don't know i feel like i've had to burst this bubble a couple times like halloween might not be the same this year well masks they're already in masks it's kind of halloween is maybe the only holiday i feel like we can do that they put this thing out that was like halloween's cancelled this year like it's like literally forbidden and like have you been to a target lately because there's about 250 freaking shoppers in there like what's the difference halloween's outside i'm not dying for my kid to go take candy from a random person's house but like i don't know come home spray it down like and it doesn't live on surfaces right right like that so i don't know it's so the kids have had such a rough year i think that i'll probably let him go with like a small group i'm going to be in new york so would you like people i can do halloween at my house you're doing season seven is the season seven of younger that is so awesome that's insane i really wish i hadn't bought an apartment there it's also i'm going to say something that just as someone that has like made shows before it gets better every season and that never happened yeah i feel like we had a few i forget what season wasn't my favorite but it did from there like get better and better and i was like that's darren like our writers are great darren starr 90210 melrose place did you watch those shows you're too young oh really i did because i had an older sister oh yes yeah so i did and then sex in the city yeah yeah i've been heard of it would you let your kids be actors i think luca wants to be an actor and i would but i would make sure that they would have to go he has to play your son in a movie yeah and i would have to be the mentor and the biggest inspiration um no i i would because i have a great life you know and i think that i would as someone who grew up with it i know how to navigate certain things and i would not want anything like handed to him i had to work my ass off we didn't know anybody you know when we came here so i would take him to auditions like but he would have school would have to be a priority and he would have to like prove that to me because that's the one thing is sometimes by the way i've done really well for myself and i'm sitting in a room sometimes and i'm like no idea what they're talking about you know because i don't i don't have like a proper education and i learned so many other valuable things and i think i have a genuine interest in things so i'm not completely lost when people are talking about like something that happened in history but i did not have the greatest education no we i but again everything i learned isn't even true you didn't need to go to school at all it's all it was all wrong anyway i did know the seven continents i was really proud of myself for that one luke is doing that in school right now i don't i like i don't even want to embarrass myself and try i can tell you antarctica south america north america africa asia europe is that six wait is canada uh no that's north america wait asia australia australia is australia its own continent yeah oh okay yeah okay then we did it yeah we did it how many how many actresses does it take to name seven continents okay i'm gonna do a speed round because i know i have to let you go kristen's gonna kill me your children are gonna kill me and your husband's gonna kill me before you do this i've already talked to connie about soccer please soccer i just want to confirm i asked her to check the battery in the car but soccer bag needs to be packed yes i said soccer i said blanket um thanks my daughter snacks and water for luca where do you know where his cleats are i think there's a ball in the car the red the red ones would that have like the sock attaches yeah yeah yeah okay stars are just like us they have to do dumbbells and shin guards with the tall socks she runs a tight ship and a pair of flats for me i need that's what i'm going to appreciate to do is to come in your car so that then we can get there and all you can stay and then i'll take connie has to get her okay yeah you're going to a park after this yeah my son has soccer buddy that is so cute and so what hat do you are you like a competitive like get it just kick it uh not during practice at all but um during the games yeah you're that parent i'm not like screaming but i'm encouraging yeah do you yell at other parents no but once we had a really aggressive mom on the other team these are kids it was flag football okay and she made a sign that five bodies had to hold five other bodies with huge glitter no letters on them like saying like broncos or whatever their team was called and i was like that is so aggressive and they were so loud screaming it was a freaking flag football game for eight-year-olds i was like like what is wrong with you and they were kicking our ass they were like all way bigger than our kids blah blah i'm like all right now you're smoking us put the damn signs out like yeah yeah slaughter rule you're winning you don't need to do all this and who has the time clearly you don't work that's fine we get it you went to joann's fabric i know yeah spent all day you went [Laughter] oh that's right single one kid what that's a one kid poster it is okay i just wait so she doesn't have her car keys is she a mess like is she is she like on point or is she like quickly before i have to go i got invited to so i've had to make a whole new group of friends for banks right like her mom those mommy friends and i found a really nice group of friends thank god i'm like sweating i gotta take this off so i found so i've been hanging out with them we do a couple like singing things in the backyard like all spaced out and they have these she has tiffany tiffany [ __ ] let me out has these uh lovely uh her her in-laws invited us to their beach house in marina del rey just to like go outside and hang with the kids and have a beach day my daughter screamed for 45 minutes and was the jerk of the party did wouldn't let me set her down i'm sweating and hot like like screaming and the one time that she did let me set her down she went and picked up a shovel and hit her friend in the head with it and i was like and we're leaving cool so we're leaving they've like walked to the beach she's amazing but she's also a beast so they walked to the beach and i was like i just texted her i'm like i had to go i'm so sorry banks is like a nightmare i can't do it anymore like it's been 45 minutes i drove to marina del rey that's like not every day that we go on a little adventure you ruined this i'm like talking to a two-year-old i'm like why did you have to like that why'd you have to make i'm in my bathing suit i'm sandy i'm sweaty i have like three bags i'm trying to get into their house just to go down the elevator because i had to park in there's no parking in marina del rey right they have this like cylinder tube thing that like only one body can fit in and i'm trying not to get like sand all over the house and i'm like jamming myself with my daughter inside this like cylinder tube sands like on my butt in a bikini because i i was just like scrambling to go okay i get downstairs the garage is so low i can't get the door open and i have to climb through my front door with my child to crawl into the back to put her in the freaking car seat right as the dad comes downstairs and my butt is just like like in where the con like the middle console is and i'm like strapping her and i'm like i'm basically in tears at this point right and and he's like hillary did you need some help i'm like i hate my child no i'm fine like some pants and also elon musk like you're really like you screwed this all up it's like it's too complicated it's yeah i can never find the little car and with kids toys how do they not all mix into the other little cars also i just need actual buttons to press i'm not that smart i can't deal with the thing and the thing and it's like and then it dies i am a hot mess i will call her and i'll be like i'm lost i'm completely lost i don't know i'm at sunset and and blair and she's like give me a main street how am i supposed to wear parents siri yeah exactly like i see a chipotle like i don't know i was in canada with my family and she called me and was like i'm in santa monica like where i don't know how to get home from here and i was like do you have a navigation canada sitting on the dock with my family my brother can i talk to lauren really quickly i can't find my car in the parking lot like that's happened all the time my son will be like we lost again you know what i do oh my god are we lost again mom this is our car again i just like a year ago stopped finding my car in parking lots based on what color car was next to my car that was my thing i was like whitney i feel like it's between a red car and blue car no like it's a red jeep and a blue jeep like it didn't occur to me i'm better than that i'm better than you i'm better than that i'm better than you it didn't occur to me that like the cars weren't going to stay just for me behind my car oh my i'm like this is so weird i parked next to a blue car why is there a red car here it's so weird was this prank like i can be i'm very ditzy when it comes to that [ __ ] that is i feel like if i said that to you you'd be like i have to quit like that's right draw the line the bar's low but that's too far hillary duff has normal problems she has [ __ ] too this feels good to watch yeah this feels good to just see her have regular problems last thing any advice any good advice you've gotten in your long term sure just good advice any good advice any good relationship advice any good parenting advice let them cry do you just let them cry it out when do you when do you go when do you go when do you go when they're crying when do you go in that's my biggest question really if i hear my dogs barking like i can't handle it and i'm like i know that when i have a kid i'm i'm gonna have to let them cry oh it depends on the kid yeah i would probably never have let luca cry more than 10 minutes 15 minutes thanks that's fine she just hit someone with a shovel yeah i let her cry for 30 minutes before in the 85 minutes and the idea is let them stop burn interesting yeah she's fine i'm watching her yeah that's fine but and also second baby and by the way i'll come in and she'll just be like hi and you're like psychopath yeah you just i thought you were dying that worked yeah hi just hold your hands up like get me out i'm like no what's her birthday am i allowed to ask yeah her yeah sorry i don't know put me on the spot october 25th and your birthday's coming up my birthday's coming on beat 33 are you a virgo i'm a libra oh you're right on the cusp i'm a libra i am i know so is banks she decided i had a psychic tell me that she was like i ca i carried her so low and the psychic kept being uh the psychic was like uh i was like when am i having her come on isn't she gonna come out early like i'm so sick of this i hate to be slowed down i've got like things to do yes you're very like on it and so um she was like oh no she's coming out on her due date and she wants to be a scorpio and she wants to be born on a full moon and she was born on a harvest full moon on her due date when it turned to scorpio i'm obsessed and like she's a real psycho oh she was like she said she was like i just i just keep thinking i call her dancing daughter she's your dancing daughter and i was like that's kind of weird she is always dancing she does the funniest little dance i'll show you when this is all over like she's always in and i i missed her um i missed her class today because of you um well she's going to become a comedian right this is going to happen she will be able to pay her away yeah stop giving me anything but don't have too much attention kids need adversity to be successful you're welcome my friend we're sending tiffany was sending me a video and was like she won't stop dancing i don't know what's going on like all the other kids are acting normal and she's covered in shaving cream and just like shaking her butt she's gonna run the world this one so scary yeah i'm gonna make you do this again one day i would come back any time and i'm obsessed with your eye shadow your everything i did this for you i love it i've been trying to wear blue eyeliner for the entire quarantine and it does not look anything like that i look ridiculous oh my god i'm going to send you this you're going to love it i look like i'm a woman in albuquerque going through a divorce like it looks sad when i do it you're wrong i've seen it i also love your that makeup video you did that just at home it was so soothing you were so calm remember the one she just did like in her house i'm obsessed with your pink hair can i tell you did i copy this from you i had green hair in the beginning of course i loved it yeah the murky green so murky the murky lake what was it swampy lake it was something it was the what yeah this is all benton benton handled it it was this took about eight hours to bleach and then but this is only like one wash you're just so brave to bleach your whole head yeah but you've committed nothing to lose than brave but thank you for phrasing it that way i think it's more has nothing going on stop i think it's more unhirable and can basically do anything no continuity issues here um nothing happening no i was actually shooting a movie when the pandemic happened and after like three months i was like i'm gonna dye my hair pink and then i was like remember it was like we were gonna go remember that month of denial where we thought this was gonna last till like i don't know june remember you know yeah and then finally i just went for it and then a week afterwards they were like we're back in production i was like [ __ ] you guys but don't you love it don't you wait like feels lovely i know i love it no one talks to you everyone thinks you're crazy no one asks you for advice like it's the best yeah ask you to watch their kids like there's just something i started getting perceived as like a little bit too responsible and i had to do something about it now people don't expect me to like respond to texts or emails it's great i need to go back to that life yes you just have to like find a way to just like look crazy i basically get texts every couple days they're like hey how you doing you okay hang on in there everything good how's it going girl lots of girl hey girl everyone's worried i've had a manic break and i have um anything else um uh uh oh camper no advice i don't i feel like you've shared so much already though you to me are just like a beacon of wisdom just so you are i'm not joking yes yes yes i've always just admired you just have like a lot of grace and like we're all oh i thought that was a lot of grace which i have been feeling a lot of praise that's the other thing i want to talk to you about is your hair something's got to happen i agree it's i actually have a hair appointment on monday you got to have fun that's my advice you got to have fun you have to like the other day now more than ever i gave her the job of cleaning out the fish tank because i hate doing it i will do that you will i will come over and do that great we have a christmas gekko you can clean out that and the fish tank no problem with the chicken coop or the crust of gekko but when there's lives at stake i will truly do that no joke well i'm obsessed i used to steal fish from fish tanks when i was a kid oh me too but i put them in my pocket and then my mom would find them and be like um honey you can't do this anymore i wanted to keep them i didn't know they were gonna die in there i bet you did she was stealing from bloomingdale's you were we are monsters but the best you're not going to want to clean the fish tank because the like when lauren separated the fish and had them in the thing i was like she's like at the sink scrubbing scrubbing and i'm like i can't believe how long these guys have lasted for it's crazy like they're so cute like ninja tesla sunshine where's the other one oh no she's like what i'm like where's the other one she's like what are you talking about i'm like just kidding there was only three and she's like no i'm gonna kill you she is sadistic i'm telling you but also there's one that has these little um the catfish cleaner sucker guys yeah you've got these little like things whiskers well i couldn't get them out so i had to grab them those are hard and spiky by the way and then they poke you and she's like no no they're like soft i was like i have a i think i have a cut a stab an hemorrhage from a whisker from a sharp whisper it's like a barb but like they look like a porcupine little porcupines i literally like grass and she was like i like to play a lot play a lot of pranks please i mean you really do i would like me singing and stuff oh we need to get a show out of this it's like i'd pay to watch this i think she was filming me and to pretend that i wouldn't know i was acting like i was filming banks like thanks come on get it but really she's like you are doing something really [ __ ] and i just post it and then post it and by the way i was telling you yeah you need my hair to match that dance yeah and who walks into the house is fair game well i would like to come over anytime i would like to get pranked because you're going to get filmed on instagram the turning the heat up is still sends chills down my spine hear you do i sound crazy i mean it's diabolical that is because it's a slow burn i mean that's a slow you're really that's not like a one-time prank like a bucket falls on your head that's like you're you're watching someone think they're going crazy you turned up his um the ooling the cool the uhler no have you have you figured out have you found out about an ooler no oh my god do you get hot when you sleep oh god i i i take sleeping pills oh god do i get yes i do i wake up sweaty sometimes yeah okay well clearly it's not a big enough problem for you because i feel like either you have a response where you're like yes i need that or like i black myself out i'm unconscious i have so many other problems before overheating at this point don't get the old i'm on don't get the awareness i make so many sleeping pills i have no idea yeah xanax lunesta ambien nyquil like i'm on such a weird cocktail like i think before the ula we just need like betty ford to come in um i always end these very awkwardly okay don't write elephants is always how i end it don't write elephants okay because it's mean to the elephant luca wants to be an elephant activist and an actor can i we need to talk yeah okay the elephants we went to africa for our honeymoon you just can't get rid of me this is my truly i will do this all day i will do this all day because you know the the fans are gonna figure out that it wasn't long enough that i didn't keep you long enough so you've done have you done that safari yet no i'm dying to i'm dying to i was going to before covet yeah you were in mozambique right we went to mozambique after we were in cougar park oh yeah sangeeta is that the singular we didn't see it's in gita but sungita is amazing i've always wanted to say that we stayed at lion sands which is like equally as amazing they're all kind of near each other and what happens when you see the animal in the wild is it just what's the feeling the first animal well we saw we saw the most adorable like 300 elephants bathing in this like mud pond on the just from like the the airport to the hotel i die it's insane you just come out of this like gorgeous airport and you're just in an open air vehicle and you you're just in like the park yeah insane so um that's funny you start to see like zebras and elephants and you're like okay move like after a few days like coyotes like squirrels at this point yeah i would say even less rare than a coyote like it's like a dog you're like yeah but but they're pretty amazing but uh the the first like scary one we saw was a um i always confuse it it was a cheetah and i always say leopard they're like there's no leopards here yeah like i don't i would conflate those it was a cheetah and it was coming around my side of the the car and i'm like okay this is okay right this is cool everything's cool i'm just was like like staying they have a gun in the car don't they have it they do but they're like on the front of the car and the thing is over here by me and i'm in the back seat and it's just like starting to like itch its body on the car it's in though it's increasing you smell like placenta this can't be a good this cannot be good years ago they're looking okay um yeah that it was it was really it's it's insane at first you're totally freaked out and then also like rhinos and hippos are super dangerous super dangerously charged yeah they're very aggressive and you can tell or even an elephant if you see like a bull elephant that means they're feeling like really feisty if they're in thrash yeah yes and don't like mowed you'll just come up on a bunch of trees that have been mowed down and they'll know there's like a bull elephant nearby and one of them was like standing in the walkway like not the walkway like the dr the pathway and was just like rocking back and forth looking at us and they're like okay we're just gonna wait and wait him out he'll get bored after a while or just a building it's a building that can sprint yes yeah this place i work with um paws arc that i'm gonna talk to you about afterwards um they are the elephant enclosure cause i was like oh let me help you build enclosures they they took all the um elephants from the bartoman bailey they shut down barton bailey and took all the elephants and they're up north near sacramento and god that's so cool i know it's so cool i'm gonna take you um and cause i'm like yeah let me help you with an enclosure i work hard i tour like i've you know i've sold a couple podcast ads in my day how much and it's like for a bull elephant enclosure is something like eight million dollars because of the steel has to go i think it's like 30 feet into the ground let me get some investors i literally was like okay i'm gonna just go take a couple that caulipower pizza campaign i just passed on oh my god do i'm gonna have to do that activia ad after all um oh my god wait do you ever see people that like took the thing you turned down and you're like turn that one down i think i think all the ones i get and the ones i'm like summer's eve i feel so fresh thanks hilary um but uh yeah i mean it's like when a bull elephant is in thrush they i mean they can flip cars they can you know they're so strong and so they can't put them in the wild and they can kill other elephants live right because they've been i mean you'd have to get them to africa from here which is just a fortune but paws is uh one of the few in the united states um gfas accredited sanctuaries which is what we call tolerable sanctuary tolerable confinement toler you know so they have so much space yeah and they're socialized properly but yeah the bull the bull elephants are just so hard to keep in captivity because it's just they're so [ __ ] strong yeah but i've got to take you in in bangkok the most magical place no she'll flip over an elephant but we could take luca oh right right right right okay luca okay yes no thanks banks will be yeah if we can ever find your keys we will make this trip how about that we just call will he'll start the car for us all right i'll see you guys in the dm screaming at me that i didn't ask enough questions about lizzie mcguire i love you but uh she's my real friend and i'm not gonna ruin my friendship with her to get you gossip about liz mcguire it'll come out when it comes out uh i love you hilary thank you for doing this what a time it was so fun thank you for having me i love you i could literally talk all day a week

Channel: Whitney Cummings

Views: 390,533

Rating: 4.8571959 out of 5

Keywords: whitney cummings, comedian, standup, female comic, female podcast, good for you podcast, podcast, stand up, hilary duff, lizzie mcGuire

Id: kR3gCyr7IdE

Length: 154min 14sec (9254 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 24 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Sisiwakanamaru]

I watched this interview yesterday and it was so fun. I know Whitney Cummings & Hilary Duff are friends, I saw some pictures of them together on few events.

It was great and it seems like it just like a two friends hanged out with each other.