Bert Kreischer Finally Shows Us His Long Balls (And We Show Him Ours) - Full Interview

bert i really want to see you naked bert i really want to see you naked bert i really want to see you naked bird i really want to see it let's measure some more what's up thanks for watching if you want to come see us live there are tickets available for us at the new york city comedy festival this friday november 12th 6 30 p.m at the gramercy theater buy your tickets now we'll see you there i have heartburn yeah of course really good at all that no as i was explaining to them i was like a lot of it you go you start thinking it's talent it's not talent it's just my privilege i grew up in a country club yeah i remember the first time are we rolling yeah i remember the first time i did a triathlon and the guy was like i got a trainer men's health set me up to do a triathlon and they were like we got a triathlete trainer for you and he puts me in the pool and he goes all right uh how are you swimming i said pretty good and he goes okay there's two types of people there are people who can swim and they're people who know how to swim and i was like oh i know how to swim and he was like let me see it and i and then i he was like oh wow you got a good stroke like you do you know oh i i meant [ __ ] grew up in speedos right right i can't do a butterfly never could do a butterfly that's that's like dancing almost you gotta have your body in motion that's a weird fun when people go uh because i was i was uh i was on the swim team growing up uh as a kid and then i did it in high school and i was a pretty good freestyle uh swimmer yeah and uh and it's funny when people go i i'll race you swimming and you're like i'll [ __ ] destroy you because it's there's certain there are certain things that you can do like how your hand enters the water what you call it how you breathe yeah all those things where you go oh there's no [ __ ] chance in hell right it's we had we rented a house last year uh like a ski house and we went a couple people from work and they had a pool in it and like a heated pool indoors and we all got drunk and we were like all right let's have like a relay races like it was like three guys versus three guys and it was just their back no not in olympia yeah yeah yeah it was just their back and it i was tired for weeks afterwards and swimming something that creeps up on you when you're drunk a lot of people when we were in greece this is why right after i was back from russia after russia we went toward europe and like just backpacked we were in greece and there were these girls uh out there and and that we met that i one girl the name is jenny i only remember that because it was right after forrest gump and my buddy we just kept going jenny we said i said to them it was just me and these two girls and i said they said let's swim out to this boat and i go well there could be someone on it they're like no it's been out there all day there's no one on it and i go all right we'll swim out but it looks pretty far you guys good swimmers are like of course we all get naked we all start swimming and i realize very quickly one of the girls does not know how to swim at all right now we are naked like flowers why doesn't anyone else naked like i should have i should have waited to see what you guys did one two three everyone go to the same time in high school i was trying to make this analogy in high school when they were like all right everyone get in the showers it's a game of it's a game of poker because everyone wants to see the first dick the first pick is like oh you're a 2-7 oh i can show you man i got pocket rockets so we swam out and this one girl clearly can't swim and i said we need to swim back in and they're like no no no the other girl's now on their way to the boat and so i had that girl get on my back and i just breaststroked like it was my child wow yeah yeah and i got on the boat and i was like we got in the boat [ __ ] i was gassed yeah it was gassy i remember sitting there not caring what my [ __ ] looked like and it was by the way survival mode way smaller when we got there it was like it was literally we just stopped at a boat and then took a breather and swam we take the boat [ __ ] in we're gonna find a way to turn this [ __ ] on because you know these two can't swim for real this kid was born and br and uh raised on long island can't swim yeah you know there's i don't i'm not gonna out certain people there's a there's a lot of comedians that can't swim now when you say that meaning like if i threw them in a pool they die or like they're going to like you know just they just can't like do a stroke they you know i think that people confuse being comfortable in the water with swimming yes i'll tell you one person that definitely does t-pain knows he can't swim but he he definitely he's he's like i don't mind get in a pool but like i can't swim and i was like that's really dangerous yeah that's like how i smoked pot all through high school like this could be really bad or i could not feel anything well we got it we had a challenge with these two they're going to do a triathlon of our making a fake triathlon one of them was just swimming because he almost died when he was a kid like a baby so he has like a traumatic experience jackie you just can't swim right yeah and she's from california really it's like well i just never was taught how to swim which is like what how does that happen i don't know if anyone taught me i want you i mean i guess well it was probably more like yeah you're in florida you're just born in the water like you know yeah you just grow up and oceans are an easier place to learn maybe because on the gulf the gulf was there's not rock otherwise i vehemently disagree uh jesus is on tour with me jesus trejo we went on the hot summer nights tour we were doing uh driving move theaters and he's told us he couldn't swim and we taught him how to swim you totally we taught him because usually late in life it's tough because then you're you have the fear and you're can i tell you can i tell you what helped jesus the most was um was a a masculine snorkel because a lot of it for him was the fear of what's under water so he's gonna get past that he spent the whole first day just looking in the water oh it's like the ocean though right no we were in a pool in new orleans we were at the marriott dude we were in a hotel pool so just the fear of being not like what's under there because there's nothing in the pool just being under there just made them uncomfortable the idea of going underwater is scary if you don't no i i actually i it [ __ ] me up with uh like scuba gear i can't do that because like that is so like intense like that's an op that's a weird thing that yeah you're not supposed to be under water breathing than you are yeah so the first time i went scuba diving like my first open water dive was at like 90 feet which you should not do like we had i take that back my first one was at 40 feet at dusk and i was watching and i watched my dive buddy die in front of me like this close to death callie is her name alexandria i think is her last name we go our teacher is named zen he did not speak any english he was chinese that's that's a [ __ ] hard thing to do with a scuba instructor no english no english and where is this in fiji and i think it's fiji or bali one of the two houses and so we go we've done all our um our open our pool stuff in denver and then we have to in order to get certified we have to do one more thing we have to go in the open ocean all we really had to do if i remember correctly was get down on her knees at 40 feet um she drops her regulator she says i'm out of air i then give her my regulator and i take my squib right so that we're 40 feet at dusk this guy doesn't speak english we're on our knees we can barely see each other it's dark underwater and she drops her thing it's so easy i give her my thing i grab my thing and as i grab my thing she forgets to blow the air out of it and breathes in water oh [ __ ] and goes and grabs mine and it's like and i'm like oh [ __ ] i'm we're not both dying down here but we're this close and i see the panic of like i'm gonna die in her eyes holy [ __ ] i'm getting this dude this dude zen [ __ ] john holmster hard as [ __ ] he grabs his squib right shoves it in her mouth and just starts hosing her with oxygen just bumping her like a balloon because so she's like coughing it out coughing it out coughing out the water coughing coughing breathing breathing and then he looks at both of us he goes we're going up so we go up and then you but at 45 feet you still have to go slowly right now i'm sure i'm exaggerating 40 feet okay whatever it was what is it the kind where you can go straight up okay and so um so we go up and he goes it's done and i said hold on i was like callie are you sure she's like if i don't go back down and do this again right now and then i never see it yeah so we go back down that's i would have said that you're right and i would have been like and guess what i'm never scuba diving that would have been it for me scooby-doo and i and i've done it a lot a lot enough i just i have panic attacks when i screw it up that's the like the set i've only i've only done it once in the bahamas and it was like the i i got maybe 15 feet out and i was like [ __ ] dance we're not doing this once you get cool then it's fun as [ __ ] yeah but like disappearing into nothing like we did a dive at 90 feet the boat was at 90 feet at that's the bottom you could start seeing stuff at like 45 i'm guessing you could see the mass of 45 but you couldn't see it and there was a there was a [ __ ] thunderstorm it was we were in a steel boat where in fiji you can't even get your [ __ ] it's so much movement you get in the water and then everyone everyone just starts disappearing no one's like we'll do this together everyone's just like see ya and then i start going and then i go i can't do this i'm nothing i want is down there everything i want something yeah and i just kicked back up and my dive instructor who looked like looked like junior sail but was a chick oh no oh no that poor woman she kicks back up kicks back up she smelled like curry not get better i know that because i ran out of air and i had to buddy breathe and throw on the way up oh yeah dude you sound like you've almost died several times stop scuba diving at 90 feet you we weren't not supposed to go to 90 feet we're supposed to go to 60 and swim around the top of the boat it's a big difference but i went to the [ __ ] bottom not knowing and then you it is like drastically different to breathe at 90 you can maybe stay down there for 10 minutes to breathe at 60 you can stay down there for like 45 minutes so i used up all my air and then she comes up looks in my ear and she's like we're going up but to get me down she just i kicked back up and she kicks back up and she's like yo okay and i was like uh i don't know what accident i'm doing i was like yeah yeah i'm okay she goes we're going down and i was like i'm a little scared she goes don't be scared let's go it just hits my pc and i just looking into her eyes as i go and she she keeps going i just have you ever seen that video of the dude free diving in the world's just the world's deepest free dive indoors the world's deepest pool it is see if you can pull it up it's [ __ ] because there's like levels to it like like the electricity to run the it's so deep the electricity around the lights are like motion activated because you can't just keep it oh yeah where he keeps going and it lights up and it's like going down minutes and minutes and minutes we did free diving we do free diving sometimes my cameraman's really into the that [ __ ] but we do it like just like 20 feet like 20 feet is way more like no no no no no no but like when you go spearfishing you've done everything i've done everything like when you when it's all said and done and you kick the bucket in like four or five years you'll be able to say like you left no stone unturned is there anything uh like that you haven't done yet that you really want to do uh i mean of course there's got to be a couple things but like for the most part you've checked at all i've done i've done there's not much it's so funny i you say that the other day was my birthday thank you and i was like i wonder what i want to do i wonder what oh yeah no we know it was your birthday yeah your gift yet yeah are we disclosing the gift oh oh oh tom was just in no i can't i don't want to i'm not going to play is it is it uh was it awesome uh it's gonna be it's gonna be pretty [ __ ] awesome i looked through these pictures of like just my life rock climbing taking karate lessons i was with a geisha i was scuba diving on a boat uh this is a ceremony and the [ __ ] world's biggest cave dive like i look at all the [ __ ] the travel channel had to travel channel was the kicker yeah then you think i got really really lucky because i thought my career was over when uh when i fell off a waterfall i was like dude this is over i'm done like i'm i got hurt and i thought comedy had just gotten away from me like i was like tommy had blown up and like rogan's podcast was taken off and ari and joey are selling tickets and and i'm not moving any tickets yeah and i was telling you i'll do this so i'm 48 right 49 right now so 44. it was i don't know i 44.45 you guys were all kind of together as you know no no no no ahead of others but you were all rising no like burst cells 19 shows at the [ __ ] wilbur and everyone's just blowing up and i remember being at travel channel i went to like just this period of time where you know bern rogan pulled me aside and told me my show sucked and then and and this is so humiliating but i remember being at the store i wasn't passed at the store and uh and they went aside to adam and like i think bill and al were like hey um we should pass bert and he said no no and i was like god damn i was like i was like okay so this is the dead end right it's comedy it's over i went to i went to montreal that year and like i i watched my friends do big shows like big celebrate comedy and and i did like a a [ __ ] one from for television like i did one that was in a studio that like and i was like okay it's over and uh and then you know and then i got fired from travel channel and you had to readjust and re-fix your career and and so that when i say i'm the luckiest guy in the world i did all that [ __ ] for travel channel then i got out then i got to have a career in comedy which i did not think i'd get to have like i and by the way comedy was my number one thing in the first place but now and then and then you look at like what i've been late this just this past month i never thought i'd do a movie i never thought i'd do arenas i never thought i'd read rocks i mean i never thought i was thinking of this today in the morning red rocks oh get the [ __ ] out i remember i was just talking to them last night i used to do the denver improv which is the urban club out by the airport and no one would show up and then i'm doing red rocks i was thinking of this this morning i was like texting with joe and i was like when i met joe rogan if he had said to me you know one day you'll be you're not going to be doing madison square garden together and he's like i'd be like what he's like oh i'll be hosting a ufc event and then you'll be doing the theater there and then we'll just text and see like if we can hook up late and i'll be like first of all i'd be like i know you in 10 years but it's i've gotten i've been very very lucky i feel like it gets to the place where you start looking at dick celebrities and you're like the [ __ ] wrong with you yeah yeah you have to be there all i want to do is pay it forward i give a homeless guy 500 bucks last night like i just was like because i was i did two shows yeah yeah yeah he just went and spent that on heroin when you were like when everyone else was selling out and doing these massive shows montreal that [ __ ] were you mostly happy for them or were part of you like was where their parts were like i'm [ __ ] funnier than that person well i never i've never i've never thought i was funnier than anyone but come on there's this you yes there's people funnier than that yeah no no never once been like god damn it bill burr is such a happy [ __ ] cigarette no you want to know a real i mean sir tom's not gonna like me sharing this but uh i remember one time so right around this time i uh we were supposed to do the funnier diet tour the oddball tour and i got offered 12 dates tom got offered like 16 or 20 dates and uh i'm i'm i'm sure my math's off but i'm telling the story how you i need you to feel what i felt so joey got offered a bunch of dates and then at the last minute they pulled all my dates they just canceled those shows and i was like [ __ ] and i got on the phone with tom i was in my office shirtless getting ready on the treadmill and i said uh that [ __ ] sucks because i had canceled all my touring through december to make sure i could do this and it was gonna be fun because everyone was cool on it sebastian fluffy yeah uh and it was like and and uh tom goes yeah i know i'm [ __ ] pissed and i go yeah and he goes and i mean at least they're guaranteeing the money and i went oh [ __ ] are they and he goes well i mean they are for me i mean they had to and i was like well i should look into it and i texted my manager and she said no the money's not guaranteed and i went yeah they're not guaranteeing it and he was like body it's a lot of [ __ ] money i go tom it's not that much money he's like what do you mean i said it's two thousand dollars a weekend and he went you're getting paid two thousand dollars a weekend and i went yeah what are you getting paid he goes i don't want to tell you yeah not two thousand yeah and he goes on two thousand and i was like tom you gotta tell me he goes i i can tell you but this cannot affect our friendship and i was like and i had to sit and make a actual decision like a man is like a matrix amanda knox said you wanted me to tell you a secret about all the things in her case and i had to say to her no because i will tell everyone i can't i can't hold it and so um so i sat there and i remember my hands were on my knees and my phone you know like were you just like sitting like this and i got a little kid i'm like all right tell me how much you made and it was uh it was significantly higher per show he was getting paid per show i was getting paid per weekend and i had to pay for travel and and my hotel and i was like and i was like i was going to barely clear even for me it was the opportunity to get in front of live nation and tom was like oh man and then and then but the thing about my friends also is they're like i just said no to that by the way what about i'd have been like you know what never mind don't tell me that i think i i mean it's different with business but like with a friend i'd be like i'm gonna look at you differently man [ __ ] it yeah because cause like i would say i would do my best to not let it affect our friendship but it's gonna [ __ ] affect our friendship i'm not i'm not a great person i have bad traits but this is a good trait i have is that i get inspired very easily like i get like joe coy's doing uh 27 000 tickets in sacramento he's insane and i just go and it just inspires me it like and then like i'll give you a perfect example and then man i hope this is good but like did you see the video i did about joe coy's promos yeah yeah like so that's inspiration is i'm watching him do brooklyn and it looks so cool where he's like check this out it's a sold-out arena and i'm like [ __ ] i was like i'm never i'm not that cool right yeah yeah i won't look cool being like bad yeah yeah i'm not dying but i get inspired and i go open if i get naked that'll be okay so i just get inspired and i remember thinking i swear to god i remember thinking if i can get to where tom is then i can i'll be sitting pretty and i just did the math i was like all right i need to get a netflix special that was it i had the time added offer from showtime and i was like all right we'll do time it'll pop and then uh netflix and then the showtime didn't pop but the story goes viral and then i'm like i gotta get on netflix and i remember going talking to joe in the back of the store and he's like gotta be undeniable and i was like okay okay and then you just it's just you just find that it's easy when you have a friend who is the goal where you like right i want to get where they are right that's so much easier because you can just go how did you do it right like yeah it's like you got the blueprint yeah it's the blueprint it's like that's what's cool about when you see like uh kevin gates he's a rapper i i like when you see kevin gates explaining how he got to where he is and and he does it for the kids in his community that makes sense to me where i go yeah yeah you got to give them the blueprint of how to get there so it was and but tom and i have always been extremely open about money like to a flaw well even he was telling us yesterday earlier this week he's like i said why do you still do some of these like random spots in the middle of the country like because it's a surgeon's salary in a nightmare all right that makes [ __ ] sense dude makes [ __ ] sense dude you look at these i'm touring aggressively until may and and people are like how can you do it you're like oh yeah cause i won't have to work again like ever my grandkids grandkids college at the end of this tour i'll go i got george's college hollis college yeah that's something i can pay off my other house like you just and then you just go and then i'll take a breather i'll do a couple movies and they don't pay [ __ ] they don't pay [ __ ] they're like you lose money making a movie but hopefully one pops and then i'll go back on tour i'll do it i'll do this and i'd love it to death i love it you were saying you were saying earlier that like you're like when you get you said you you thought if i can get to tom where where tom is i'm good but like now you got there and you've surpassed that even where it was at that time like is there a part where you stop is there a part where you go i like are you are you content no it's so funny because i feel like that's what everyone does like okay once i get there i made it like we've said before like if you told us 10 years ago this is where you are like all right we're done perfect but now we're like we're failures yeah yeah i'm still like this is this is terrible we need to do much more you know there was a thing called uh uh i was reading this book on uh i'm obsessed with world war ii especially the the pacific theater like i just obsessed with it it's good to specify yeah yeah which part so they were saying that the american soldiers were in like guam or something or the philippines and that they were had to climb mountains to get to the japanese soldiers but every mountain was a false peak meaning you get to the top and then you see their mountains and be like [ __ ] but that walk up that feeling right when you're about to climb up and you go guys we [ __ ] [ __ ] that is stand-up comedy yeah cause if you said to me i just did theaters by the way that never was in when i started stand up the idea that you'd do clubs was like oh you can get into clubs like that's insane i remember we asked chris rock like how do you become a feature like and chris rock's like i wouldn't focus on that and then and then we were like how do you get into clubs how do you headline clubs and then you headline clubs and you do well and you're like selling 20 tickets and then and then they raise the price your tickets you know and then you a new false peak you start going back down and then you get to selling 35 tickets and then adding shows and then they're like are you gonna do theaters and then you know tom was telling me he's doing arenas this year and i was like i was blown away i was like god man i can't imagine doing arenas i didn't know i was doing arenas also i just did not do the math in my head that i was like i'm doing where jake paul fought like yeah like yeah cleveland we're at the rocket mortgage center and it's i think it's sold out right and you're like and you're just going like well what the [ __ ] and then here's the thing about arenas right [ __ ] sucks is you go i'm doing arenas well you're doing arenas you're doing it with stage three quarters of the way right uh yeah it sounds like nobody well then and then they're like well no it's like seven thousand ten thousand like in and then and then you wanna talk about a false peak is sell it out right like we sold out tallahassee or whatever in in the [ __ ] civic center where i saw nirvana play and and we sell it out i'm like cool good i don't have to work anymore that's sold out they just moved the stage back 20 feet and they're like we just added a thousand tickets eventually they're gonna have you on this little [ __ ] island as many as many goddamn seats as you can get in there at the time i go i go so then i go there's what's the cap at like yeah you get to the far far end that's got to be it then tom goes oh no that's when you go in the round right mother [ __ ] right like i can't it never stops false people and then i mean can you imagine doing like giant stadium like kevin hart did like i mean it's almost like this is just silly this is not this is not meant for this many [ __ ] you know what i mean it's it's a wild format to just be talking it would be i i mean obviously it would be very very very very cool i think you guys could get there man i really don't i think i think what's gonna happen is um i don't know what's gonna [ __ ] happen i think you guys are both you uh as a team are so good at parlaying this into everything else like we've we've seen it at barstool where we've done everything from like run a [ __ ] techno tour to doing uh live shows to doing you know things that when we started out we were like we're going to write funny [ __ ] and then you can just parlay it into all this stuff and you guys are so you know a lot of the you know logan paul becomes a boxer they're going to do movies they're going to do whatever i mean i don't see once you have your fan base that will follow you kind of wherever you go yeah and a little bit of talent like there's no reason why you guys won't be making like full ass movies that are successes that aren't the [ __ ] failures you know we have one of the pipelines yeah like that's that's easily next for you guys yeah i don't know i mean i would also like to like i would love to like i just bought a house and i haven't really been there so i'd love to see that yeah yeah like kanye man kanye's doing a podcast he said he's so rich now and successful he doesn't have a house and maybe he's joking maybe you know maybe i'm sure he's got some property somewhere but whatever's going on with kardashians he's like i don't have a house everywhere i go someone just puts me up and that's really being rich like this [ __ ] so rich he's making homeless be cool he's couch surfing and that's his new life i have i have i i i i'm not that rich but i can identify with not having a house yeah but i had that feeling like starting in march i have been in la maybe i had to go surgery surgery who's in get and i've been in la maybe for uh maybe a month total does that like i mean that would drive me crazy eventually i don't you like being i mean do you have that [ __ ] like in movies when you wake up like i don't even know where i am you're like what day is it what's the city am i i woke up at my house and i and i i remember he was in his house and doesn't know where he is i'm not familiar with that room yeah i want you to hear a good one i woke up i got drunk as [ __ ] in uh tampa i used to do these calling sick to work shows yeah where you drink on air and then go to the show and you drink and i got so drunk i gave out saguaro's number i [ __ ] i didn't tell the machine story i lost my check and i woke up in jeans shoes still on no shirt in a bed i did not know i mean that i had never been in and i woke up and i'm like [ __ ] i open the door and i'm in this house i've never seen this house i'm like hello mom dad uncle frank no one i go out and i'm like it's a nice house and i'm like what the [ __ ] and i start looking around for anything my wallet my cell phone nothing's there nothing's there i go around and i see a picture of me and i'm like mother it's my it's the card that i used to hand out at boston comedy club and i'm like and i'm on it and i'm like oh [ __ ] i'm in a [ __ ] uber fans house then i see a picture of my daughters and i'm like oh [ __ ] oh my god i'm about to get killed the door opens it's my dad and he goes hey first time seeing the new house i was like i thought i literally went to this house and i did not remember walking into it my dad had picked me up in tampa taking me home and i was like what the [ __ ] dude that was terrible i mean i've done i've done the wake up in a strange house move never seen a picture of myself that's that is creepy that's like you like go to the kitchen like if you were watching that on a movie you'd be like get a weapon get a weapon yeah like he's screaming at the tv i woke up in her bedroom the other day and it was uh we had flown in from miami and i gotten pretty drunk on the landing in miami into la like it just i woke up like an hour and 15 to go and i was like double checking the rocks then that went down quick i was like double check on the rocks and then i was like and then i was like okay one more for landing she gives me one that gives me two bottles i was like oh i love you yeah and then uh and then i i got home and i passed out and i woke up and it was dark out and i woke up in my bed and i was like where the [ __ ] am i because i had been pretty hammered when i got home right and then i got up and i was like i'll tell you what man this is gonna sound this is gonna sound sad maybe but like i don't even feel comfortable in that house yet like i don't feel like i have a place to sit like i don't know where you it was a piece of [ __ ] it was tiny people would come there and go god damn your house is so small but it was i had like four places to sit yeah like i don't have a place to sit in this place yet and then i gotta break it in and i was like there's like a chase lounge to the couch and i got there and then goes that's my seat i went oh wow i never really like consciously thought about that but yeah even in my parents house yeah you gotta have your lazy boy it's not like no no no i wouldn't kick someone out of the seat i would have been that's my seat but like when no one's on your choice that's where i exist we had seats on our and our in our old house i had a lazy boy that i still have it's just in our bedroom and it just it's by itself it does not it's no one's around so you could sit in it but you're by yourself in a room right right and then i had my lazy boy isla was on this couch georgia was on at the front at the end of this couch liam was on this couch and then dogs would split it and we had our seats yeah we'd go to see a movie we watched a movie everyone had their seats yeah yeah it's like you're on a ship the captain sits here you know brian regan told me not to buy a big house he said don't do it he goes it it's not good for your family he was like i know you want it i know you feel like you deserve it because trust me i got the big house and then we all separate yeah yeah the kids are on the west wing your wife's on the east wing and now the girls are a little older too but they want their privacy in her room it's in her room yeah leanne's uh always moving around and i just end up in this house by myself i know grant i've only been there like maybe three weeks three and a half weeks tops but i just end up sitting in this house going like i miss i like and then you go georgia georgia georgia what the [ __ ] you want i said i was been yelling to you yeah i've always said i'd rather have a small house that's like tricked out you know a smart home with the temperature and the lights and the this and then i don't do smart homes why not i don't do it you're a gilbert uh he doesn't do it either i can't i can't and like i speak guys if i have the option i don't but like i wouldn't want like something where i can control everything or say something out loud i don't need that i just wanted to be like you know i guess the air conditioning heated floors and windows that the blinds go up and down like you're still describing you describe the heat air conditioning so our house is a smart house and you can go in and like right now i can turn the jacuzzi on yeah and like and then i can go in and go to sonos and i can play the music oh even so no bluetooth is not a real technology bert don't fall for what does burst stand for albert albert yeah what did you [ __ ] think it was birch root burtle bee and then birds uh bertrud is one of and then robert i also thought robert i guess albert wouldn't have been a top five guest really yeah oh yeah i'm a heartbreaker yeah let's get into it so so what has have you have you even have you been keeping an eye on this i'll show you the full video i wonder if i can yeah to see those things in motion i mean it's been a saga i think like four episodes in a row the title has been something about your balls on my show i actually had a moment where i was like i think we have to stop this yeah it was like like uh like personally like maybe legally morally uh professionally all of this has to end but i mean we've we've discussed having long balls at length often on our show and then um and i really thought my balls all the time you must sit on your balls like and i don't wear underwear so right yeah that's why was were your balls was this a particularly long day or this is common they're always like that no so i never knew they were like this i'm trying to figure out the date i should have just sent sugar the whole video but i don't trust him well i mean did you know you yeah he just said do you have a picture of your balls you had to have known you he was showing somebody but i mean it was like bam bam you know what i mean you got it sent it to me um he i didn't know that i can just scroll and i'll find it i think it was before green bay i think um i didn't know they've been there they were that long i always knew i had long balls like i remember one time i i used to think yeah and then you came along oh i yeah i touched him out i hooked up with a girl in new york who's a waitress and i remember we used to i was a club i worked out we used to get like mess around and get naked during work like just you've got to set that to mess around and get naked are you talking about having sex or like just having fun we just having fun we ended up like it started with uh she was like we were doing coke and she goes uh she goes i think i'm gonna i want to masturbate tonight and i was like where is this again new york city oh we're in new york but like where like we're in comedy club okay but you're not you're you're on stage working or you're like working the like at what point your career is this is um i'm getting close to finding this video i think i found it okay i got i'm in i'm in the right territory make sure i favorite this [ __ ] next time put it in your favorites album i'm in the right territory hold on um so we were in new york city i was just worked at the boston comedy club and um this girl was like uh yo do you wanna i think we were doing coke and she was like um i i want to mask i think i want to masturbate tonight and i was like what do you mean she's like i don't know i'm just like you ever get horny on coke and i was like yeah yeah and she had a boyfriend and i was like i was like um what are you going to masturbate at work she was like i don't know maybe and i was like wait okay can we and then i go i do this i'm like you're sharing it with me right and she was like do you want to masturbate and i was like together she was like yeah maybe and i was like okay and so we were hell yeah i'll masturbate off [ __ ] i'm better this is like you're there for like six hours i found the video so i go i said uh i go i was like so we try like we'd come back and i was like i was like i can't just like i need to be hard and i just can't just get hard and i was working the door at the club so i'd walk back in and then she would like a helicopter in this [ __ ] like she just showed me her tits and then i'm like oh wow okay that works and then i came back one time oh i feel like i'm gonna do a lot more than that she's like there was behind the bar there was like a little dishwashing thing in the side and she and she's like hey can you can come here and help me get something and she's like got her pants around her ankles and i'm like holy [ __ ] and so i was like okay but again no chance of like hooking up this is like just one minute you're just gonna masturbate just gonna masturbate together and so and so and we're partying like we're drinking a little bit i haven't even done my set yet so i just have to work right right so i do my set and then she it was it was so much fun like just [ __ ] around like that and like and then she she's the first person to say i had long balls um i was you want to talk about a roll of dice i had my pants my ankles i was like hey can you come here and help me with something i'm like godfrey's going to walk around the corner and uh and she and she was like oh my god and i was a little chubbed but she was like you have very long balls and i was like i do she was like no that's good but i was like is this it was about i was like i was like anything big down there is good yeah yeah yeah yeah so she was the very first person to tell me that and then i never really thought anything i've never thought about them i mean but all the kids i grew up with we grew up we grew up naked like we're like we being naked in front of each other wasn't a big deal and then and then being like taking shits in front of each other and everyone had big balls everyone either i don't know i'll show them to you right now okay so this is like my dream is coming this has been my crusade i'm trying to make sure i don't meet to her so excited yes i want to hear those things coughing okay here we go ready these are my testicles i'm trying to fit in this bathroom put it in perspective i mean if you look at these testicles if you look at these testicles dude they are they're longer in motion than that second ball because you also have one on top one on the bottom yeah one on top and one on the bottom the top one would be long like that would be long but the bottom one's like those are almost to my knees and when you pull your pants up you realize that like like that's gotta be like below your back pocket i showed it to a girl without prefacing that it was from behind yeah so she thought she was getting from the front yeah and she goes by the way not that big can i tell you i swear to god so i was pissing at the bat we had a private jet but of course i'm a cheapskate so you couldn't fit in the bathroom in the bathroom i had my balls and dick in my hand to piss like this you're holding wait you were pissing from the bag no i was pissing like like this and then i hold your balls oh you couldn't stand up and then as i got done i just bent over and what happened is they like a horse they got caught between the legs and they just i mean it when they showed them to me i went no way and then now i can't stop doing it to leanne i go i go hey are these long and she's like stop it's disgusting but it's weird like she is she's just finding out she's known that you know she's done i've had long balls since she's since she first [ __ ] if she thinks bert what i've never asked about genitalia with her because i met one of her boyfriends one time and he had the biggest [ __ ] hands i didn't know was her boyfriend her ex-boyfriend and i was like whoa the grip on this [ __ ] guy how big is his hog huh and then someone goes ask leanne and i go and then i spiraled out and i got drunk [Laughter] like a man those that looked like a dick and balls like going pull that up one more time you shouldn't see my buddy who's this came in his balls were [ __ ] massive but the length is really what what now are they always like that how do i not oh here it is is that in your is that the natural position no yeah i think it gets smaller and [ __ ] so like that to me looks like a dick and balls going [ __ ] going up in almost it's crazy it looks like a like a dildo with balls because the the back like sack looks like a penis that looks like a shaft it does look like a shack that is digging balls and putting it in between your legs i mean that is that's definitely what would you say well i can measure it right 10 inches that is 10 inches do you think women find that sexy yeah i do and that's because that's something i've had to convince myself every single morning for 15 years there is no way like balls are tolerated by women as are dicks to be honest yeah yeah i think it's like well we'll we'll we'll deal with it if you give me that i could be gay if i could [ __ ] a kendall yeah it's just the personality yeah oh i said forever i would be gay if i could just deal with dick and like i could [ __ ] a dick i would be gay [Laughter] [Laughter] i could be jewish if i just didn't [Laughter] i wouldn't mind being black i'm just not getting pulled over no i uh dude that that i said to one of my buddy my so all my buddies growing up are all like trump supporters and and all pretty conservative dudes who don't get they get my it's not my not my not all my buddies but some of my buddies especially college buddies so we went out fishing with one of my college buddies who's a politician republican and him and all his friends and they're all like good old boys and they don't really get my personality about like i'm not i'm i don't even say i'm progressive but the fact that i don't have a problem joking about being gay or even plant toying with the idea of going like so i said to them he goes you have that joke you told that last night about you and your buddy tom if you guys were gay and uh and what what you do to each other sexually and i was like oh yeah it's just a joke and he was like no no no no no no me and my buddy did the same thing on the boat one day and we were like what he was like yep we figured it out three blow jobs a year that's all we'd have to get i was like what he goes my birthday his birthday valentine's day that's it and then and then he was like and we you know combine your incomes take a look at that cut your mortgage in half you got great watch game you got great car game and we were like i was like jesus christmas you thought more than i have i mean they they live the best life it's incredible you know what else is great about being gay like back in the day when it was hard and you couldn't be out it really was like if you meet someone in a club or whatever like you gotta [ __ ] this guy tonight because you know you have to take your opportunities when you can oh yeah now that's not really the case but they still just [ __ ] each other whatever you know what i mean it's like we don't really have to do it like this anymore but you guys you get you keep playing that card and it's very smart the first kid yeah get a mic i love straight splaining kevin right how great it is to be gay which it is gonna say so [ __ ] you well no i mean we're just more fun that's why yeah you're fun you got better style you're the thing that sucks about being gay is other gay men facts thank you yeah someone finally has my back in this podcast would be insufferable to like because because they you're they're holding you to a standard that is a beauty standard that is somewhat completely unachievable oh man because you've got to compete against this cat exactly thank you we we found this guy uh paulina gretzky and dustin johnson posted a video a picture of the other day on halloween uh trump yes but did you see the guy look at this [ __ ] guy i mean that's offensively handsome dude that's like how are we supposed to compete but we don't because he's gay but you know it's like they're like women are going to look at that am i supposed to be kevin yeah yeah you must feel real bad but i mean you know there's like these there were different species and these guys guys like that you know like we're not even the same the thing is i i have a body that a woman will settle for like a woman looks at my body my wife looked at my body and she was like looked at me and was like it's okay i'll take it yeah i have a body face bank account personality that women settle for i have i have nothing that you know gay man look at me and goes i need that in my mouth now no none none none there's not one gay guy that looks at me and goes i remember that when i moved here i didn't mean i didn't really know anything about gay dudes at all and i moved here and the first gay guy the first club i went to was in the meat packing district first night i was here i go out with these people one guy was the editor of us and then it was his kind of on and again off again girlfriend who i was gonna sublet from and uh they took me the meatpacking district and i watched a dude [ __ ] another dude in the ass in the club in the club and i was like and welcome to new york [ __ ] i couldn't stop staring there was a guy the first like legit gay guy that i that entered my brain and never left was this guy who was walking around in like a thong and he had and that was it and he had um star tattoos starting at his heels and getting progressively bigger till his it's too ashy and i was like that is [ __ ] magic all the time [Laughter] it's been what decades and then i met a guy i want to say his name was ann um yeah it doesn't matter andrew but he worked at barnes and nobles with me and he was and he just came out of the closet he was from like omaha and he and i was like i was like what did he say what brought you to new york i said comedy and i said what what are you here for and he goes to be gay and i was like what he's like he was i was gay and i and i was i graduated college and i just was like i'm i'm lying about who i am i'm gonna go somewhere i can be who i am and he was like and i was like are you having fun he was like dude i get [ __ ] every night can you imagine how awesome that must be to be in the closet for your first 18 20 whatever years and then you move to a place that's acceptable and fun and you're just like oh dude this is awesome i almost wish i was in the closet so i could experience that feeling dude coming out of the closet must be must feel really good really it's got to be really good hold on let's do this right this is the way my brain works i want everything in life so let's find a thing we can come out of the class it's not going to be homosexuality yeah but what can we come out of the closet can i tell you what i want to come out of the closet yeah fat fat and go i'm not denying it anymore you guys all do it you guys all do it you knew it at thanksgiving i pretended i wasn't fat i was like it's like being gay the whole family knows it yeah but now i'm gonna come out as fat no you know what guys i'm fat and they're like we've done this yeah i was like no but now i'm cool with it and i'm just gonna be fat i am who i am find the thing to come out as yeah everyone already knew it but you come out as it that is great guys i want to let you guys know i'm an alcoholic and they're like [Applause] now i'm cool with it i might take that one you can have fat i'll grab alcoholism that feeling of yeah obviously you're accepting yourself yeah yeah i mean you're you're such a good fat though like like you you [Laughter] i think they call it in the fridge i'm coming out of the fridge i'm back i have a body like i am uh skinny fat so i'm lumpy and rolly you're just like my cousin's skinny fat kind of like a barrel chested you're bigger and i'm like skinny and scrawny and baggy i'd rather be that it's uh it's the jim morrison fat like jim morrison got a belly to him yeah muffin tops and rolls you're just rounder yeah i i i i'm starting to get old man fat right now like i can see i can see it and i start going oh my god what are your balls gonna be like oh my god when i'm an old man i'm gonna have to wear like i'm gonna have to wear like [ __ ] cowboy boots to keep them out off the floor gotta get a couple inches i mean i have i remember i think everybody kind of has a story like this production tape measure let's measure each other's balls real quick from bending over from behind would you be would you measure i mean you're more comfortable touching man is that am i especially harassing you probably just like borderline i hate crying yeah i can find [Laughter] an old man who put his leg up at the gym and was like blow-drying his balls sort of thing like when you're that age they're gonna be those things impressive you're going to need like to wear like a jock strap everywhere you go that like your cup's so funny i wonder if i should just start wearing jock straps because i like yeah because i like the support no i like being naked right i like the thinness of not wearing underwear like i like let that like i don't have i don't feel bunched up because i have like tactile issues so like i yeah there's only certain shirts i wear there's only certain shoes i wear i'm always in flip-flops i can't wear certain socks my socks need to be like on on my feet a certain way right right i'm not someone who can just like have a loose sock and it bunches up in their toes yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] animal are you but and i stopped wearing underwear because i i remember just feeling like crunched up with uh with like too many clothes on yeah yeah again is it florida well what kind of were you going like i remember i used to wear boxer shorts not briefs and it's like just material bunched up under jeans and [ __ ] and i was like i at least gotta streamline this but you just took you just walked away i i mean this is gonna sound very romantic but i i fell in love with the idea of boxer briefs um in when i was 10 years old i i saw like cool kids had shorts with boxers hanging out the bottom mm-hmm like it was like a look yeah dude there was like boxers and wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wrong at the bottom no we had like we had like paco jeans where like the box they were coming out top no no no no no this is 1982 83 okay and cool dudes like like high schoolers cool dudes not a real ruler but i figured it would work it's got there no there are no yeah it's good um cool dudes would uh would would um have boxers hanging out there like the guys on the basketball team the boxers would hang out the bottom ones oh i guess when i'm working like when i'm working out i have that yeah like my compressor compression shoulders no no boxers not even briefs boxers boxer briefs a boxer no boxer boxer shorts the shorts let me uh like i i wish i remember their names but like it was like the cool look and and i let me see boxers by the way well i look at this here and i see seven inches i'm just like no no way you kidding me some people walk around with that you know what seven inches this is seven inches right here and i was just like thinking to myself about you know that's what i got i got seven inches on the cough if you push all the way to the pubic bone yeah yeah it's a poo poo myself yeah if you [ __ ] sword in the stoner so i mean what are we what are we measuring from like the the back or the front i don't know i don't know how i'm going to follow bert's lead on this i say here's what we do i say we we take it to something let me i'm going to i'm now i'm trying to get them long yeah me too comfortable with me i want to make sure jackie's not in here right now and she knows to not come in i told her to go set up ati even though it was set up okay here's how consent works i don't want to i don't want to ask you is it okay to see me naked you have to say out loud bert i really want to see you naked so let's go around the room bert i really want to see you next i really want to see you naked i really want to see you naked bird i really want to see this i'm having a good ball day you literally like a kitten like a kitten pawing a toy just i'm so embarrassed this is this is my balls are i love that we've just decided to do this from bed i like that mine's the best i gotta come over here and see it from behind yeah and we're going to do this on camera oh my god number one all right come around dude if i don't [ __ ] match up if i don't get a long ball yeah you got you got some squad number more [Laughter] is this what it's like oh my god oh my god there's often bending over but it's not quite like this oh what a moment [ __ ] dude i'm so happy it ended this way because you got to understand from my point of view to send a text to you being like hey can i see your balls and just get nothing back i was like oh no i was like i've crossed a line he's never going to [ __ ] come in here again that was and then and then we put this show out and i was like he's gotta like say something tweet back or something nothing i was like oh god i've talked about this man's balls too much what have i done no what happened is uh when we um we did the episode my camera guy gave tom's guy the footage and i went what are you doing and he goes well they wanted it and i go yeah that's me naked you can't just give when people go i want pictures of a bird naked you can't just give him and he goes does not understand the dynamics of of all how long we've known each other and how [ __ ] up we are and he goes and he goes wait i couldn't do that my assistant goes but give nudes of another person to another person against their consent he's like no you're not allowed to like he's like do we need to explain that yeah he was like what i just figured and i was like no my cameraman has a whole folder oh he must have a treasure trove and he keeps them because he makes they make him laugh like we did one where he i can't remember what he kept saying it's inexcusable it's we were in a lake in in texas and i thought i thought it would be funny he was on the drone so i was swimming in the middle of the lake and then he was in the drone and i was like bring the drone all the way down to me and i took my pants off and i laid on my back now obviously a dick's buoyant so it's pointing up so all you're seeing is the circumference of the deck you don't see dick hanging it's just the circumference of the dick and the topography that's amazing hey man is he out there i would die in the green room oh yeah i can tell you he he kept saying he couldn't stop laughing he goes it's inexcusable you have no excuses i think he actually saved it under his computer as bert has no excuses but it was it was important you know it happened to me again on facebook i um i streamed i streamed live on streaming live on facebook and i put and i was i was like hey i always i always get going my pool naked and i was like i'm going naked in my pool um if you guys and then and then someone's like you're not naked and i was like no i am and i was just trying to show them from like where the where i could see the ledge was here where i was i i it wasn't the ledge i was seeing it was the shadow of the ledge the legs so i walked back on facebook totally naked and i started posing naked on facebook if you google it you can find it you can find naked like cool facebook facebook doesn't [ __ ] around with that [ __ ] and no what happened is i'm live streaming and my phone rings and i'm like who the [ __ ] is this and i go on it's my manager and my manager is like you are streaming yourself right now bert has a question about his answer okay i said one it's the one in the middle in the middle middle with the blue dot this one up above it above it and then yeah [Laughter] i was he was asking he was describing the circumference of his dick floating in the uh what were you what did you kept saying right now no excuses do i come over do it well remember you kept you kept you were drunk and you kept laughing you go there's no excuse for this there's no excuse for this i don't know but it was when you were floating in the lake that time yeah it was like a little peanut but it was but it was face straight up it was face straight up so it's buoyant it was the circumference of my dick from the drone shot you could barely you could well to be fair a drone shot i mean you know geez it was it was uh i should have i should have put some some weights and a bobber on my dick it was like an iceberg if you look down on an iceberg looks very small do you have um a like an official vlog where do you just have like video that you know because like your social media is awesome with all this video content but there should be you know if there was something called like bert's life or some [ __ ] we have we're doing that now we're shooting stuff we did it for the pandemic and then we never edited it and we did edit some but they were too long and and it was like it was fun for us but like people loved it at first and then it kind of dropped off we're doing that now but then things are so like i don't know like one of the ones we were gonna put out the other day literally the other day was meeting aaron rodgers but it's aaron rodgers coming to my bus hanging out for like an hour and a half and then getting vaccinated and then leaving and and i was like i was like i don't want to put that out because i want to put more heat on air yeah yeah because yeah because we weren't wearing masks we were just bullshitting and you know that's that's part of the the vlog game like the the people who really do it well they don't give a [ __ ] about it you care about one thing man views and monetization i care about i care about my friendship right roger yeah number one on my list i got texted him yesterday and i was like hey man whatever you know but like and i know you didn't hear that bro that was the funniest thing i was listening to like whatever episode of two bears it was like right after so tom would come in and i had said you know like burke didn't right back to that thing and he was like oh some you know he i never replied right but then on two bears you were like you were talking about how nice the packers were and he was like and like i meet these guys they're great and i got their numbers and i'm just texting with them and we're talking back and forth and i was like god damn it i shouldn't have talked about the ball no no no no you have my dream my new number though yeah no yeah so no so uh er it's funny there's uh there's a short list of people that immediately get text backs that narrative should be on the list i don't have to be on that list it's joe like the people that like uh that i i don't text often like i don't text anybody ever i never like my guy and like i facetime people i just faced yeah and so um ooh nice nice hey we got eight tickets for ufc tonight me and your tickets there that supposed to make the best ufc card like ever um so uh so hey what time's your show you can do both yeah done at 10. go upstairs [ __ ] swing by say hi to joe see if i can skinny up to trump [Laughter] that's the question i put it to everyone i put it to everyone on my tour i was like if we have a photo op with trump do we do any is anyone take it jesus trejos obviously mexican and and so he's shane torres and jesus was like no and i was like really he goes birdman he's a bad dude yeah and i was like i was like but you're a comedian don't you see all the the fun in it right and he was like no i don't and i was like but wouldn't he be mad about you doing you just perused their [ __ ] merch store that's my number one stop i definitely gotta i changed my merch because of you guys yeah yeah i love my favorite [ __ ] goddamn uh sweatshirts the one i got grabbed here last time the um camo hoodie yeah with the bar stool on the side and um i wear it i promote bars tool more than any one human being we do appreciate it i don't think it's on purpose or anything but we see bert and barcelona and then i started going like why wouldn't i wear my like before and so i just made a merch like we uh merch is one thing that like we started out doing like silly t-shirts back in the day like for our local teams that we root for and it's just progressed to the point that like we just make clothing now we're a clothing company as much as we are anything else it's [ __ ] genius i mean it's the whole uh i mean i don't know i'm a fan of the whole system here yeah the model it definitely it worked definitely worked out until my interview with caleb pressley comes out and i look like a [ __ ] racist sunday conversation i'm not sure that's gonna be uh hey by the way shout out to caleb can you guys just talk to him and make sure i don't look like an [ __ ] yeah well we could talk to him [Laughter] how long did you guys talk for a while yeah yeah wow what did you think of glennie does glenn love him balls is just like he's like a pet he's like a golden retriever that's just by our side hanging out he's the man he's the best see what you got to do with guys like that because that was going to be my destiny you know that right like that that you might need that's me that's me if if media hadn't caught up with where we were i would just be a sidekick on a radio show i'd be a stunt boy right because that's who i am it's like i am consistently looking for approval uh i was written up in rowlandson as a number one party animal country right you want you want to be the star of attention you want the party to like you yeah but i got very lucky i got really really lucky and found stand up and was and was good at it right well good not good but you know good enough yeah good at it good enough good enough to be want to keep doing it yeah like that's the key you're good enough to be to to be afforded the opportunity to get good at it right because by now you're [ __ ] good at it and back then you were good enough that people liked you you keep doing it and then you perfected it i knew enough cheat codes right um how about roosevelt baker she's great she's so [ __ ] funny she's one of my favorite people she's been coming through here for a while she's just a [ __ ] pitbull when i heard that she was opening for you i was so happy for her she um so i have never allowed a girl on our bus like not even on on our bus like not like not even like hey my you know i've had like some friends from high school come on the bus right but and my daughters have been on the bus but like i don't allow women on the bus get a rosebud doesn't even count but even like especially a comic i would never allow a female comic on the bus because i as peter will attest i i do get naked because of what just happened i get naked i get naked and i i'm i'm i'm respectful i tell everyone i'm getting naked don't look in the back but i'm not gonna [ __ ] start shutting all the doors right like i'm getting naked and i and i take showers on the bus we live on the bus right and uh they were like would you like rosebud to open i think rosebud is so [ __ ] funny that i was like all right i'm willing to try it to see how it works and i i very candid with rosebud i was like i was like you're living on the bus with us and like i i can tell these guys what to do because because it's the dynamic between men i can be like hey we're uh we're not going anywhere tonight we're gonna stay in tonight we're going to go out to dinner tonight like i can make the rules because i'm the boss but with a woman i feel weird telling them what to do yeah yeah and so uh and so we got on the bus and like the first night i was like we're in dc for the night we did two shows and i was like i'll get your hotel room so you can stay in hotel room and then we'll you know i don't want you to have to you know yeah i'm just trying to be respectful yeah she's a married woman and uh the next night we drive to boston it was good we had fun like everyone talked a little bit but still feeling it feeling each other out and then last night i i changed forever i almost only want women on the bus rosebud we started a joke and it was like it's because it's rosebud i mean yeah gender doesn't really [ __ ] matter in this because it's rosebud is just funny as [ __ ] i i said to them they put but most of my birthday they put streamers all over the top of the bus like all in the bus and i said is this who did this and they're like well the we got the pa to do it but he [ __ ] up originally and then he got the streamers and i go oh did you guys walk in the bus and there's a bunch of women yelling and you looked at him and you're like we said streamers not screamers it's like a dumb joke right yeah and then we continued to do that for an hour and a half and all anyone did was sit and just you watched everyone think of the next one to tell oh uh when you came in here were there a bunch of people selling dime bags and you were like i said streamers not miss demeanors and it got to the point where we're in our bunks and we're opening our curtains i'm like yelling at me is it just a bunch of bunch of men's thighs and you're like i said streamers not femurs and we did it and then rosebud woke up and she goes i've been in my bunk thinking about it all morning so much [ __ ] fun but that's a testament to rose but i tore the throats but any time yeah she she's she is a uh her and andy as a comedy couple or some comedy couples let's rank them ready oh boy well they're my number one they are my number one but i i know i'm christina i don't i don't know i'm not rich and bonnie yeah listen who are the comedy couples right now uh not married we got sam marilla and taylor tomlinson oh that's a big one that's a power couple yup uh rich and bonnie tom kristina andy rosebud um uh who's like chris rock and his wife ex-wife by the way chris rock's so funny that i i'll take it dude right did you remember what he the joke he said she's she's like the richest woman in comedy his divorce at the 911 fund he did msg he was like he's like my wife was the fourth highest earner my ex-wife was the fourth highest earner in comedy last year i was sitting in bed today going like i have painted myself in a corner with my wife like i cannot even if i'm unhappy in my marriage which luckily i'm not if i was unhappy in my marriage i cannot cheat on her because it will ruin my career it will ruin my career on such a huge [ __ ] level that i thought i have [ __ ] myself i i tell a joke about leanne and they just start cheering and i'm like you don't know her yeah and then oh you what you've done is you john mulaney did it so john mullaney had this relationship with that lady and i mean i didn't know i didn't know about his i didn't i wasn't that in into it but like when he broke up with her everyone sided with her yeah and like no idea what was going on yeah and i was like i was like i don't even think it was like but he like i remember his bits where he's like that's my wife and like it was it was like a big thing part of the act and she she uh and and and i think that people look at olivia munn and they're like you know sideways had her mm-hmm but uh and then i started going i was laying in bed and i was like all right so who do i take the hit for like like which which girl cheating or whatever would be worth the divorce who do i who do i go okay like well you know a joke like that girl's ruined your life hot that's what you're talking about yes like and i was sitting there and i was like now i go i'd be devastated if i if i [ __ ] up one night it was just some hot chick that and she just yeah you know there's a certain momentum that happens i've cheated before never my wife i've cheated there's a momentum that can happen where you start watching yourself not say no i've always caught myself i've been very good you wanna hear a good story well you're always a good story 100 true i'll call my buddy cowhead to prove it so i go on my buddy cowhead's cruise my couch palette cowhead is my mike counts as his name he's the biggest uh radio guy in florida okay and he um he out of tampa and he goes hey come on my cruise i'm a young comic at the time i'm i'm not young it's whatever it's 10 years ago or whatever um i'm not on travel channel i'm just doing comedy and uh and the first night there there is a gorgeous blonde chick that's hanging out with all of us big tits i mean [ __ ] hot i'm married i have two kids hot as [ __ ] [ __ ] and we all start laughing we're all telling jokes we're all sitting at this piano bar and uh and i said something i said uh we're talking about goals out of the week what do we want to accomplish or whatever really whatever she goes oh i'm i know my goal and that is to [ __ ] you tonight and i went and we all laughed and she wasn't laughing and i go i go that's not happening i'm married and cowhead goes he is the most faithful man i know out of all the men i know that is the most faithful man i know and he goes and she goes uh we'll see and she's like we'll put him to the test yeah she's probably not used to that response at all yeah and so we we're all hanging out and she's getting close to me and she's like rubbing up against me like rubbing side tit on me and i'm just like and by the way and you're with leanne at this point or just never know the answer on the cruise okay but i mean yeah and so um she is all over me i mean all over me and i'm and it's it's innocent and i'm letting it happen it's not but it's not it's not like just like we're all partying or having a good time dancing she sits over next to me yeah she keeps making jokes she's not touching me inappropriately but we're around each other right um she keeps saying it and i keep saying it's not gonna happen at the end of the night i go all right i'm going to bed and she goes that's my call and i go hey for real and in front of everyone i go i sincerely appreciate it you've made me feel like a million bucks tonight yeah but uh but i i'm not i don't cheat on my wife and she goes we're gonna find out and i went what she goes i'll walk you to your room and i was like this is a challenge i go i go don't and she goes my room's right by yours i'm just going over there so i get out and she's following me we get into the elevator and she's sitting across from me and she's like uh how about this how about you just let me into your room and i'll suck your dick and i go i can't i said i'm married she said i give great [ __ ] and i'm like i bet you do i really appreciate it she follows me to the door of my my cabin and i get there i said listen to me i'm being sincere i do not cheat on my wife i appreciate all the fun i don't know if it was a joke or not i appreciate all this i feel like a million bucks but this is where this ends i said i'm going into my room and i'm gonna go to bed and she said and i'm gonna stand in front of this door until you open it and when you open it i'm gonna come in and i'm gonna suck your dick i'm gonna swallow it and then i'm gonna leave and i'm like okay so i go in the room and i shut the door i grab a beer i sit crisscross applesauce at the door and i stare at her feet shadows yes staring at her feet staring at her feet and they're not going anywhere i murder the beer and then i go i'm gonna get so drunk that i pass out right now so that i don't do anything i grab the beer i murder it take a shot [Laughter] go to the pool and she's there i mean better than like cool tattoos all over her and i'm just like oh my god and i go up and she goes uh and everyone's like smiling they're like what happened she's like nothing she's like that's a good man right there and then she comes over and sincerely apologizes she goes yeah i apologize for my behavior last night yeah she was thinking about reverse man you know yeah i'm standing outside this door do you let me in and then and then she starts hooking up with this other dude and i got jealous as [ __ ] yeah that's my girl that's my girl that's my crew's girlfriend come on [ __ ] call in the animals like you suck gingers leanne i mean leanne probably doesn't even like does he even think about these chicks that could be on tour or anything anymore she just knows she's she feel right she uh she has no care uh she is so blindly confident yeah that i won't want you to right right so blood and like and so that's what maybe i mean we had a girl sneak on my tour bus one time sneak on my tour bus and hide in the back wow and we found her my cousin andrew was like what the [ __ ] were you planning on doing yeah she was like i figured when bert came back here i was just gonna just say just yeah see if he'd [ __ ] me and and i was like i was like i was like you didn't see any of my show tonight like and i was like you have to leave by the way she leaves and my tour bus driver ron a black dude no i love him to death he goes god damn it i think what and he goes you just said no to that she was actually whatever i mean she it wasn't great but she's stuck on a tour bus so and i said uh i said yeah ron he was like man day later we're driving down in fort myers and he goes bert i figured out why you're a man of good fortune i said why and he goes cause you say no to all that [ __ ] yeah i guess sony goes i don't know how you do it i said it's easy ron you just say no you just have one answer and it's no and just never not say no just know what you're gonna say and he goes nope don't know how you do it he goes man this job ruined my first marriage and i go you're not famous you're just a truck driver bus driver and he turns around from the bus seat and he goes you'd be shocked what a [ __ ] will do for a nelly headband i got a long list of [ __ ] [ __ ] don't do and that's where my list starts [Laughter] i said [ __ ] what won't you do right now cause that's what i want man on tour though like roadies and groupies and all that i mean yeah sure i mean there's been i'm sure the bus drivers [ __ ] clean up whatever's left over sure yeah i i've i've had such i remember two girls took me to in dc i was with taylor tomlinson and i said i say these two girls want to go to strip clubs you want to go with us and taylor's like i do not oh my god i'm mad and i was like and i was like they're lesbians it's cool we'll go so we get there taylor went no taylor killer bailey's of course no christian yeah so we go there and it's like you know we're doing the dc improv it's fun i go with those beautiful girls we go to the strip club and always been a lot of good strip clubs and uh and i go to the bathroom and i sit down and they have a drink for me and i take a sip of the drink and it tastes funny and i go oh my god there and by the way i'm wearing like an expensive watch and i'm like oh my god they're gonna [ __ ] drug me and roll me and i was like oh they also think i'm the kind of guy that's trying to [ __ ] them and then i just got up i talked to took the drink over the bar gave her the bartender i go please give me a new drink i got a drink sat down had one drink with him and i [ __ ] left i was like i was like oh [ __ ] that's the that's the the thing you get yourself into where you can't where you start to not being able to say no right right right so then what why don't you leave right away you're like oh this is a drink i still want to do a drink i wanted to i was nervous because i was like i didn't know what i've been given i didn't know if it was anything in it so i wanted to be around people yeah i told the bartender keep an eye on me um so then today on the thing i'm going all right so who is the chick i implode and i'm trying to think and so like there's a should it be famous oh it has to be oh okay oh that's my favorite very rich yeah yeah okay have to be famous i'm very rich because i'm giving up my career right now right and like there are women that i have seen in person where you go that's actually a no-brainer like like that's a like i'll choose regular-ass women no no no no i need them no but for me i need i'm losing my career so i need you to i need you to one commit to me forever oh so you're talking like now you're sure too yeah but that's it it's never gonna happen so this isn't the scenario okay there's one woman i saw in person there's a couple i won't say in one name but there's one woman i saw in person that i i um she touched me and and i and and i said to myself okay this is the one you blow it up for without a doubt probably one of the most perfect women i've ever seen in my life and everybody would know who this is right i'll tell you what you guys first guess but now in this scenario she would have to um we'd have to have a friendship i have to get to know her like get to know her right and then she at one point would have to be like hey i have fallen head over heels in love with you i'm leaving my husband because i can't think of anything but you and i just want to know if you have mutual feelings for me and then and at this point i'd be like well i mean of course everyone does everyone does okay guess and you've met her i met this and she's married that was the key i was married i was not going to get some marriage and by the way she has also invited me and my daughters and my wife to go see a show so oh to go see a show yeah in vegas so she's a by the way this woman has no intention of this because she was very kind and reached out and was like hey if you guys want to come see a show i'd love to come tickets bring the girls like you can by the way i've led into this so hard mariah carey uh brittany brittany no no no britney's just got engaged no celine dion who has a [ __ ] vacation no i've met celine dion she just had like one show in vegas no she's i think she's doing a run there i mean this woman this woman when you see her when i saw her i actually called my wife and i said gwen stefani boom wow gwen stefani is awe inspiringly beautiful i mean just and i'm talking every part of her body is perfect i'm not even [ __ ] around her fingernails her hands her skin on her forearms is but she's got work done right i don't give a [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and she was the sweetest human being like and where you go where you go oh yeah i i i pulled a pin when you say this but it would have to be would leanne go to a show with you for with this knowing all this oh yeah because she is like oh good luck whatever yeah yeah yeah she's like liam will probably go i'll give you a pass yeah see if you can yeah it's even gonna beat out blake shelton [Laughter] she's gonna go from blake shelton to that blake shelton just released the song that he sang she'd never heard it for on their wedding day oh and it's a brand new song that he invented which i don't think is a cool move i think that's a lame move to to to drop an unreleased song at your own wedding yeah i think you're putting too much pressure on me like if my wife was like here i got a song for you i'd be like oh god oh just sit there and listen to yeah i've never even heard this are you [ __ ] kidding me right now like this is the thing i don't know smile and laughing crying so much anxiety my family like oh yeah it was like i don't like what if i hate this [ __ ] song charlie's theron she's one ah charlize theron charlize theron you got a type i got i i definitely i i saw charlize theron uh on in that the latest fast and furious movie yeah was that what it is oh yeah yeah she just looks the one where she's in the box the whole time in the glass box yeah buddy uh uh uh what's the girl's name [ __ ] who's the i was gonna i was gonna say rihanna rihanna was just what i had i'm behind she does not fit your prototype uh margot robbie boom boom it's gotta be a millionaire it's gotta be a millionaire it's gotta be a millionaire and and uh margot robbie's pretty [ __ ] astounding apparently blonde um i'm gonna shift gears all right oh if i'm cheating on my wife i'm going i'm not gonna get someone i'm not gonna go to [ __ ] someone who looks like her yeah yeah [ __ ] i've already got [Music] uh i need her to have her own money she's on the cover sports illustration doing pretty good the um are you a big fast and furious guy no the first one i saw was fast and furious nine what and i was like jump right in i could not stop laughing i was like this is a franchise but they went to space in a [ __ ] fiero fiero fur you are missing i know i am missing out and i know that you'd like and i know that because i enjoyed fast and furious nine and i and i said to i was the executive producer of my movie and he was like he was like if you enjoyed this you would love the franchise and i was like yeah why haven't i watched this he's like it just well in the beginning it's actually kind of like a real movie there's like a plot to it and you know now it's just for fun basically but in the beginning they went just ludicrous and tyrese went to space in scuba suits in a fiero and i was fat astronauts is going to have that astronauts going to put that to shame brother well now that we know where the parameters of believability are who do you guys know you don't really do you've never done guests on two bears have you i think it's hosts right no yeah you sound like if you're out we'll do guest hosts but people i mean all we hear is how people don't want to see guest toast yeah we we go back and forth where sometimes it's like people love hearing that we have a solo episode with just us but then sometimes the numbers bear out like oh no we don't we don't have we uh i think we did it where we don't didn't have to have guests because we did one with warren sapp and you could tell the energy was more energy but if you had like if you had you know you two and shane gillis are on an episode you two and dan soder you two and chris i mean it would be [ __ ] hysterical you don't need to by any means but but here's the thing is that like my comfortability with tom is very is very vulnerable yeah and like and like you guys don't have a good mix of like talking about real things i'm not certain i would share everything with other comics or like i am very comfortable with tom saying horrific things about me to me right like and and and and with another comic joining in i may go like i feel like i'm getting bullied yeah because there's like that would happen on rogan sometimes like we'd do rogan when all of us would get on and there would be times where i'm like that i would be like i'm teaming up yeah i like tom ari and joe are all making jokes about me and i'm like i'm just sitting there going okay guys yeah but but and i but i know they all love me but then i go i go but the guy listening thinks he can do that and then i'm like hey man i don't [ __ ] know you right right so uh that's why i think that's why you're a good podcaster because you what you think you're better stand up or a better podcast better podcaster way better podcast yeah i think i i think i'm better at like i think my s if you had to give up one like if you could only do one which would you say money no well just i don't know what's what's more lucrative for you [Music] because i bet it's not it's stand up right no well stand up this guy is kind of the limit because you can just like keep doing shows and [ __ ] but i bet if you're playing your cards right podcasting can be i think they are i think stand up is more lucrative stan is more lucrative i feel like good for how much the the bang for your buck like you could just sit and hang out with tom and do two bears and the rates will keep going up and the downloads will keep going up whereas i mean like you make a [ __ ] ton but you earn it on stand-up travel in the country or away from your family you're on a [ __ ] bus now i know you also enjoy a lot of that in the travel and the partying and [ __ ] but it's not like passive you can just hang out in that studio and bang them out and make a [ __ ] ton maybe not the same but it's uh i'll tell you what ever since we started in austin it has been so much better for whatever reason i miss him so like uh when i get in there it's like special it's special and like i flew in for well i do feel like me and him like when we have uh we had another guy oh you just talked to frankie frankie came on our show and it was absurd because it was like because we can't have that absurdity every single time because we see each other all the [ __ ] time but if there was some separation and we got back together forget about it oh it was lately like i think this week we're putting we put pop plugs in our asses and uh and you guys actually did it huh we bought bob you were talking about it for a while you'll see you'll see we go as well what bro we go how are we not the first podcast to do that we really i mean we you know why we didn't do that because it's not a [ __ ] big deal we um [ __ ] amateurs over here making a big stink about a butt plug in their ass there's we go we uh we attempt tom podcast no no no so so we got i mean you got to watch the episode really yeah because because it is the next one coming out all right this monday sure it's this monday yeah it's the hardest i have laughed it is it's a good episode but like that but that's the fun of austin and so we got done two episodes and then i have the full day off where my family isn't around so i'm thinking is about the two episodes we're shooting tomorrow right so i go to the sex store and i was like get me um one of everything my good man literally said give me everything for a guy and there's one that i [ __ ] kept let me tell you a second which one it's called the man wand type google okay this thing is [ __ ] banana were you in like a romantic depot or some [ __ ] like yeah yeah romantic depot and i go give me one everything and then now there's something i heard about a long time ago that i've never been able to find okay so uh you put your dick in there not that not that staff pick staff pick sorry the one that says staff pick and the red thing the hole yeah okay this is it this thing is going on [ __ ] nanos so that's like a hitachi one but you put your it's got a figure he goes give me i said give me one of everything and the guy gave me one of everything and then we got it all tom and i went through and assessed it all and when we got done i said god damn it where's the [ __ ] man wand because we didn't have it on the thing and i couldn't find it and i and my assistant must have put it in my bag thinking it was my thera gun and sure and so it's in my back is when my backpack was unwrapped in my backpack and i uh and i'm like uh i think we're in the i'm in the hotel room in austin and i go oh i got to give this thing a try so you it just you just leave it in and it vibrates so it doesn't it really doesn't like no no no it's so when tom and i were did the dominatrix camps right we were dominatrix games for a day there was a point i don't know how much i can share but i wasn't sure at all there's a point where we had tethered our [ __ ] together with electrodes and we were we were in our underwear it was our dicks were tethered and she was shocking our [ __ ] and we were seeing who would tap out first and she's going back and forth and then we had done we both tap out we get done and she goes all right you guys want me to make you guys come and and both tom and i looked at each other like who's going to say no first tom's like i'm i'm think i'm fine sat on the floor i'm fine but how would you do that if you were going to do that she goes oh i'll just vibrate your [ __ ] until you come it'll take like two minutes and so as soon as she said that that was my white whale right yeah i was like i was like i would love to find a new way to have an orgasm right so i chased this white whale forever i mean there's another thing so go back to the manual keep that yeah so go down to the next picture like right there so there's a thing like that that's out on the market that i that i'd heard about they're like it's the new male sex toy but it's like a big it looks like a it looks like a [ __ ] spaceship it goes around your dick and it's got like these things and i had seen it written up on the internet i could never find it again right if i had seen it and i was like i bet she had one of those she never told us what she had right right right right so i go to the sec store i give me one of everything i get this it's in my backpack and i'm like god damn it i wanted to show tom because i've been talking about this thing right forever hey and then i go all right i'm gonna i'm gonna try it so i try the first one first that one that one first and then i don't feel it at all and i'm like so i go i got what is she talking about that's just like not you put it in you just lay it down like just lay it down yeah and then you do it so then she goes uh so then i go watch that one and i had a hard time getting my dick in yeah it was because it's like like lube that's balls and i didn't have any lube so i'm like literally going like how the [ __ ] [ __ ] wrong so i had to wait i had to wait until my dick got soft to get it in right so you thought your thumb in a soft dick and then let it grow it didn't grow at all i blew a load soft soft wow it happened so [ __ ] quick that i went and then and then i swear to you as it can as it happens you know you know when you're like when uh when a woman has an orgasm and it goes and everything contracts i'm do i can feel my body going you just had a female orgasm that was just a [ __ ] his dick was just like a [ __ ] what you know those tiles that you can put in your wallet so you don't lose something i have a tile on that i will never lose that i want to buy a hundred i'm gonna order this [ __ ] right dude [ __ ] it now it's 150 bucks you kidding me it was for the life of and by the way very high end wait with two penis oh right okay so it's got the round one and then the other one penis why even i guess the other one so you don't have to pull it through the through like the other ones the other one does not work for me but but i but i i mean i really didn't give it that much flashlight yeah of course yeah this motherfucker's in a podcast with a butt plug in his hands i think he's [ __ ] the fletcher yeah we did you [ __ ] we uh so i i oh that's interesting we have one in the we have christy mack in the bus but uh but yeah but i haven't but because i we kind of know who she is i want to get her consent first to make it real bro when that royalty check came in that was their consent you're good so the first time i do it i'm on were in miami i'd done row again rogan's like flashlight was their sponsor and it was like back in the day that's the only sponsor he's going to say it was flashlight and they were like his managers and agents are like dude you got to stop this [ __ ] are you just selling porn toys rogan's like hey man they give me money right so so rogue is like you gotta try a flashlight go grab one and i go back to gravel and they're all out i'm like [ __ ] excite all he talked about was how great it felt so i'm in miami that week and i go in there's a sex store i'm going to get lunch and i see a sex store and i'm like i wonder if they have a flashlight so i walk in and i'm just like do you guys have my buddy has a thing i don't know what it's called i know i'm just i'm just trying to make myself look normal right like you have a flashlight and the guy goes no and i was like [ __ ] and he's like i got [ __ ] a can and i was like i'll take it all right it's a bottle of sapporo it looks like a bottle of okay i know exactly what you're talking about you unscrew the top yeah yeah and you can [ __ ] it i don't even go get lunch i race back to my hotel room i raise my open it and it's not a [ __ ] it's a mouth and it looks like a dude's mouth like come on man don't do it so i [ __ ] it and then it's like the most humiliating thing in the world yes when you come after a toy like that it's like oh i didn't clean it i just threw it away yeah miami and then i was like i can't bring this home if i bring this home and my wife opens it she's like you have a real drinking problem [Applause] dude they make um one that's like one of the it's like an egg-shaped one that's pretty good but i believe the one i had it said like 12 uses it's like not um you don't have to like i mean you probably should like clean it but it's like you're done after that which is weird i don't know why maybe there's like blue built into it or whatever um but i was like i'm out of here i'm done with this it's like how they say everyone in africa is going to get cancer because they reuse water bottles no i don't know but i'm sure oh wait i've heard that i don't my mom tells that you can only use three water bottles three times it's the same thing you can't jerk off with this too much because it's like using a water bottle yeah what do we got thing right yeah i mean did it say anything about like were you you can only use a certain amount of times i make that up but it was like questioning i've never done this i've never done anything like this with my wife but she does give me a hand job yo a good hand job is underrated yeah like she's just like uh yeah that sucks you can when guys like i could do that better yeah you can do that better you're gonna grow like two hands and [ __ ] into it you can't do better than that man i had a girlfriend who was just like game for hand jobs all the time and she would just drive into the car and she just like yeah and i remember just being like god damn it [Laughter] damn it's right the disc golf course like frisbee golf frisbee golf and we'd all played frisbee golf and we got in the car and she was like she's like i kind of see your [ __ ] and i was like okay i'm getting hard telling the story what the hand job [ __ ] gets what gets left out of the [ __ ] that you get with the hand job is you get the full dirty talk experience yeah there's gonna keep your mouth guess what blow job you're in your head right hand job you're kissing them yeah yeah they're talking to you i also don't feel like i feel bad about uh like if i'm taking too long for a blow job because she's like doing work yeah hand job i'm sitting there i'm trying to last as long as i can i'm like because i know you can do this forever my wife gave me the weirdest hand job one time it you know if you close your eyes it was like you were getting attacked by an octopus but it she just like tentacles no no no different angles i was i was in the i was in my recliner girls are gone girls are in bed it must be like two in the morning and she just comes over and she just reaches into my pants and just grabs it like this like this and for whatever reason i was just like whoa hitting that tip bro yeah i'm gonna [ __ ] i'm on the road for two more nights i'm gonna [ __ ] i'm gonna attack my wife when i go after this conversation you're that [ __ ] man you really are you and leanne are are your couple's goals to be corny about it man you're still banging you're a partnership you're a business together yeah you're great she just got her first uh sponsor on her podcast awesome and i was like it's manscaped and i know and she does use my manscape she came in she was so proud her manscape reads sucked so bad it was like so like so she missed key talking points that are very important but she just you know she read the copy took in the information she actually uses the manscape she stole my manscape to do her bikini lines and she's like and i love it i love it i mean they got they come on with one ceramics gonna be on it and it's gonna have a mower like she and i but but i guarantee you her [ __ ] turnovers through the roof because her fans [ __ ] love her absolutely yeah i mean she'll have a very successful podcast like right out of the game no she she's had her podcast for yeah okay but if she's doing ad reads like she's gonna should use ad reads she is going to make bank because her fans will he'll they will if they if we did podcast reads on bo i should do that i should just have us both do the same podcast and then if they do a put liana checkout or bert she'll go [ __ ] crushing bananas yeah i mean it's always uh it's always a pleasure watching you guys do your thing so i mean we i we could do this forever and ever but you wanna go internet yeah yeah yeah so uh you want to plug anything i mean the people know when's this come out uh tuesday uh he took my schedule uh yeah will you look at my schedule minneapolis oh yeah look at oh i just i just played [Laughter] the uh i am in next week i am in st louis chicago detroit milwaukee then minneapolis rockford illinois cleveland ohio austin texas sugarland texas cleveland ohio is the one i'm looking forward to oh those are all my dates yeah so yeah come rocco rocket mortgage cleveland feels like a bert town it is it is it is i'm always good for ten thousand tickets there the uh that i love let me ask you this before you go what is your highest and lowest i always think it's amazing when it's like i feel like um i wanna i wanna say like sebastian at one point was saying like he can do arenas in chicago but he'll he still had to do like relatively small clubs in other parts of the town are there other cities where you're like i'm doing like a hundred tickets or is they are they all monster now no so sebastian has big followings in big cities like i think he's doing [ __ ] the garden like four times when he's here it's crazy he did he did something like a hundred thousand tickets in a weekend or something it was crazy yeah joe coy's like that joe coy can do certain markets he does [ __ ] bananas i think he's now he's he's leveled so that they're all pretty big but there's some places where like where like where those guys just pl fluffy's like that yeah you go to like san antonio and he does like eight nights at the arena or something crazy or like miami and then but if you put them in like no no that's not i don't know if that's accurate really i i don't because though but like something like that at a time there was like that so for mine it was like all this it just all just rose at the same time amazing so like i could do i have bigger markets obviously like cleveland's a big market for me tam is a big market boston's a really big market for me um uh just doing small clubs no no no because because they don't make as much money no i just feel like people say the club is like what you know the ceilings and the laughter it's made for that and all that [ __ ] is that true or is it just like that that's what people who can't south theater are saying no the theater is the ultimate venue yeah in all honesty a 1800 theater uh is is like really [ __ ] ideal and and only because there's a there's a leap once you get to a 3500 seat 3700 seat theater there's only a few that have done it perfectly like chicago beacon the chicago theater the beacon like those ones are like i mean they are just [ __ ] dreams i was just one the other day or the one i was at last night in new york is 36 i think um the uh you are hulu no no the who loses i think 5 000 4 000 the beacon uh city hall no in boston it was oh oh wilbur no no no no bill uh oh you were in boston uh god damn it i just if i'm there again sunday night uh what does it say on there but and then and then you get some places like uh like we were in fort lauderdale or hollywood and that one's 6500 but it's a theater and it's a theater for 6 500 and it is [ __ ] amazing yeah they made a theater for a theater for 6500 and it's perfect i mean [ __ ] three four balconies um box seats seats on the floor it just is perfect i mean just really great and then the arenas are a different feel too but like i don't know i kind of just uh like i i it goes steadily enough that you're not like you're are you nervous about uh size of like or was it just like you always rose to the point that it's like it wasn't like a big jump like awesome i'm doing ten thousand people holy [ __ ] no because you went steadily from there no it was it was a big jump when you go you do selling selling uh like a big weekend at a club would be to sell like maybe 1800 seats tickets at a club i'm guessing what's 350 times times uh like five or six times seven seven it's like a little over time pretend two thousand two thousand people at a club would be a like a bang up weekend you make like probably 75 grand 85 grand maybe like 110 if you're doing that now you can do the math it's 90 of the door 35 tickets 2 000 what's that math quick 2 000 times 35 is 70 000. you make 67 000 roughly and uh and that's a [ __ ] that's a bang-up weekend at a club where you're like nice then you do when what happens is you don't make that same money and this was hard for me to wrap my head around you don't make that same money when you go to a theater because you're selling that exact same amount of people but there's different price points on the theaters and uh but the idea to wrap my head around so i'll go into arizona and instead of doing a weekend i'll do one night and then or you add a show and you do it's like doing two weekends in arizona if that was like that was where i that was the first leap where i was like holy [ __ ] like so instead of spending a weekend in new york i'm just gonna go to new york and do one show for all those people and then you're like [ __ ] times and then energy and then the real mind [ __ ] was like when you come in and you do like i never sold tickets in new york ever my [ __ ] life really never i just it's even now no no no no well last time i was here i did the beacon twice and you start going like how did where did these people find me yeah like how did it like anyway it's uh it's it's been you know you you just you wait for the moment where it starts to regress and you're like all right i'm going back into clubs do you think that's happening it's going to happen like [ __ ] 70. no i mean i mean it happens to everyone i mean and it does i mean there's like big names you know you just get you hope you can get lucky and just slow ride it for as long as you can yeah and just keep enjoying it i mean like even kevin hart was doing stadiums yeah and now it's like i mean maybe he just doesn't want to do stadiums but he's just doing arenas right here or like i know but like he was doing like what seventy thousand tickets in the night and so what what what's the price point for what what are your tickets i mean i feel like having a hard idea like kevin hart has stuff like a hundred dollars a ticket they're probably still paying it you know what i mean yeah well i think would imagine like 70 000 people at like 89 bucks i've taken introduction but you look at like you look at all the big guys right like i mean [ __ ] all the big guys i'm not gonna name names i don't want to say call people out but like all the big guys right like i just that were the biggest like 10 years ago are now or some of them are not at the where they were so you just got to be comfortable with the ebb and the flow right and then go like for me this ride has been a blast and when it when we go back and we're like hey man we're just doing the wilbur for a night two shows i'll be very [ __ ] cool with that because that first leap to the wilbur was amazing i don't expect to be you know it'd be great if i could just keep putting out cool content and keep writing hours but like the pace we're on like this is my fifth special in four years yeah that's crazy do you think that that i mean that's obviously a new thing because specials have kind of become that can't be right this is my fifth will you see when i did the machine when the machine came out the machine secret time big boy that was my favorite thing this is my third special in four years i know my fourth special would be my first best one five years right and writing i have i have like i i'm i'm dialed into my voice i um and like and i just dude the machine was 2016. that's exactly 16 was when i really even look at your face in that and that and that logo you don't look at the same guy what is that nuts 16 was that that's five six years six years five years so four specials in six years bananas and but uh but i i'm like thank god for that story man god thank god for that [ __ ] story thank god for that teacher yeah you know she's coming to the show yeah i heard that's awesome she uh thank god i told her i talked her on the phone for like uh for like 45 minutes the other day and i was like i was like thank god you were hot because if you had not been hot i would have left if she was ugly i i mean it sounds horrible but i just would have laughed she was hot and i was like i'll sit in a room and look at a beautiful woman and do no work and uh and i totally forgot she was coming tonight forever dude thank god think of all the sliding doors that had to happen to get me here right thank god for rogan yeah rogan's the one the first person like you need to tell a lot of guys who can say that yeah there's a lot i can name them [ __ ] i could run a lift real quick yeah um but like thank god for rogan he's like you need to tell that on stage that's your story that's your story that's what's interesting to me because earlier uh you were talking about like blueprints and stuff like that how you sharing the blueprint with the young guys i joey is the blueprint maker but like but like the blueprint is have this you know like it's first of all be [ __ ] hilarious like that that's gotta be step one right so like i can't help you with that yeah there's not like a blueprint that fits yeah i feel like like what is your what what blooper do you give like be hilarious have a great story have a lot of great stories live your life to the point we have a lot of great stories and then you know you get lucky a few times that's what i think the blueprint is for everything so i think it's hard to give them i think there could be a blueprint in the sense of like how you use the internet and you know get out get a social media presence do the promo type videos that are interesting yeah probably have a podcast but yeah otherwise it's like be a good speech probably talented what do you think about i feel like going back to pot being podcaster versus a stand-up i feel like there's a lot of guys who uh feel like they need to be a stand-up and i think podcasting is its own like art now and you can just be a podcaster oh yeah let me tell you something i look at like uh dan cummings got a great podcast called time suck and and he also is a fantastic comic but if that guy ever decided to stop stand up and just do his podcast right i almost think he'd be ten times more successful yeah sometimes that's what i mean sometimes if you're just like this is he's selling great tickets he's selling great tickets you don't wanna you don't want to shortchange that but his podcast takes a great deal of work right and so you think you know on those podcasts where you do the research you're like you know [ __ ] man um i i i my blueprint in my book is start a podcast uh get on stage and then my blueprint is like i was saying this last night i don't want to hang out with people that aren't obsessed with it like i'm obsessed i'm obsessed with podcasting and stand up like obsessed that's all i want to talk about like and if you don't want to talk about it i don't want you on my boss i don't want to be around you and let me tell you something you hang out with joe you're also going to get hunting in mma but when i hang out with him i mean oh business all comedy all the internet when i talk to tom all we talk about is stand up who's doing stan what who's doing what where people at podcasting uh ads like we i mean we it's like if you're not obsessed with the thing you're doing just find the [ __ ] you're obsessed with we got to stop talking about our balls [Laughter] all right let's go answer the internet i think i think i i would be cool if you i would i like if you just did i wonder if my podcasting would get better or worse the answer is this if you just i well i know the answer he just did podcasting would it get better i did that during the pandemic for 17 months we just did podcasting i didn't do sam i did stand up towards the end we did those tours but after eliza invented the drive-in i didn't love eliza [ __ ] that made me laugh so [ __ ] hard um the when when tom and i weren't doing stand-up i think our podcast was bananas that's right yeah that's kool-aid right that's like all the big hits from two bears where like where i fall out of the chair laughing that's all when we were just in the pandemic and we were no stand up so any idea we had we took it then you're doing it yeah saving it there's no saving for the show for the standoff story i told a story on uh on his podcast on our on two bears the other day that it killed and i went i said hey take it out right i'm gonna save that for the show i'm taking i'm opening my special with it right wow yeah that's why you know i did it better i did it on the podcast once and this was how i learned it the joke i wanted to open hey big boy with um was uh i took a [ __ ] in japan once it was so bad the guy in the stall next to me threw up and and we were in japan so i thought he was talking to me and i was like i have no toilet paper i don't know what you're saying ugh dude yeah i told him on the podcast and and he [ __ ] people like i heard that and i was like [ __ ] but then after you do it on stage we will you run it in a podcast no if you're gonna reach so many people i will take bits that have not worked on stage and take it to a podcast because i can workshop it like like one of the bits that i did one night which didn't work the first night didn't work the second night then you take it on a podcast [ __ ] around with it was uh the premise was how long should you let a mouth rest after a [ __ ] before you kiss it and and but it just came off aggressive to the women they're like yeah so you're you see me as like yeah [Laughter] but um but yeah so well luckily you're just [ __ ] great at both of them dude so oh well thank you but i i well i i love i love both of them so i don't like it it shows too though it's like i feel like uh the reason i think you're very good at podcasting is you're always ready to be like you kind of did it with us right now you're like okay well let's all come out of the closet about something right okay like top five lists that's our favorite thing yeah you further the conversation one time the begin the second i knew two bears one cave was gonna be good was i came up with a suck a dick challenge do you guys remember this no okay so what are we gonna do here you take a bottle of water okay it needs to be a brand new bottle of water and you have two bottles of water it's it's pretty this might be pretty aggressive to do it with it i'll tell you the challenge and you can decide if you want to do it well we're going to do it but uh the whole goal was we were complaining that women are women didn't swallow and we're like well it's got to be if a guy doesn't alert you to it it's got to be hard to swallow if you're just sucking a dick waiting for it yeah so then i said what we should do is we'll put our i'll be i'll hold the water bottle you put your head on it and you suck it and then i won't tell you and i'll just squirt it and you have to swallow it and we were spitting [ __ ] out of our noses and we were like [ __ ] up this is uh this is not like you know skinny i'm game i'm game do we have a does kelly have any we're um yes and then the second the second tom the second tom decided the second tom decided to do it and put his mouth around the bottle i went oh we're gonna have a lot of fun like because i mean yeah there it is i mean [Laughter] like i knew i'd do it i was like will tom do it and then when tom decided to do it i was like oh this is this is and then and then it's gonna be a good show but but the thing is is you can come up with crazy ideas and then tom will go i say we do it and so like one of the ones don't don't take a yeah it's got to be full so so ready let's play the game all right how are we going to do this everyone got someone else to suck and drink wait hold on a second squeeze so yeah yeah so i grab yours oh this is [ __ ] see this is what it's funny it's what it's about that's what it's about let's take our balls out okay okay now now how where also what kind of loads are we dropping it's upside down i mean you just try to estimate what you're not every floater okay i mean you give this a squeeze it's complicated so so we now now the whole key is not that we all don't come at the same time do you have a hat i want to keep my hair out of my face and i was like sure and i gave her a hat she put it backwards and i was like i feel like fred durst is sucking my dick dude i know a video with cagney lynn carter giving a blow job with a backwards hacker i'm like that's a sexy tonight i did have a friend okay all right we're sucking this for like a few seconds here yeah like really give it some work [Applause] i think he's coming already and then i and then you came and i was like and i think i i think i you i came because you came you were sucking that dude i was i was turned on i think i was hearing myself and i was like oh everyone was really suck i could get harder and i was i wasn't gonna let you guys keep it better hey how did you guys get covered we're not getting better than that guys this is the best episode of anything i've ever done this should be a new challenge and you have a guest on if you're okay giving us the blessing we might do the same [ __ ] times all you got to do is promote my tour dates yeah guys bird craze you're going to be cleveland all right [ __ ] this dick all right the holiday season is approaching all i want for christmas this year is youtube subscribers please we got to get to hundred thousand i want that hundred thousand subscribers uh we've got a goal for uh for all you out there for everybody at a hundred thousand subscribers polly feidelberg will join us on the show maybe well if not we'll probably have to trick her into it but at 100k you will get poly content so subscribe click the bell uh icon so you get notifications so you're always watching leave a comment below talk about it post about it spread word tell your friends tell your friends 100 000 subscribers on kfc radio for polly feidelberg let's make it happen

Channel: KFC Radio

Views: 391,071

Keywords: kfc radio, kfcradio, kfc voicemail, barstool, barstoolsports, barstool sports, barstool podcast, barsool radio, kfc barstool, voicemail, barstool voicemail, feitelberg, feits barstool, barstool sports podcast, kfc, radio, kevin clancy, comedy, bert kreischer, two bears one cave, tom segura, long ball competition, long balls, podcasting, stand up comedy, the machine, hey big boy, leeann, leeann kreischer

Id: ETYiZIpSc8U

Length: 118min 52sec (7132 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 09 2021