Ep. 10 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

to show Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill hey guys welcome to another episode of two bears one cave I'm Tom Segura and his phone number is eight one eight two seven five five five two six and I'm Bert Kreischer and my phone number is three two three two oh eight oh eight four four thank you P Diddy forget us in touch with these awesome phone numbers now if you want to talk to us you can text us and we show oh cool the thing is I've always wanted to connect with my fans and I'm just looking for another way to do it so I thought how about just give out my phone number yeah I think it's one of the best things that's ever you know this is my dream right yeah I did this for real I got an extra phone line and almost released it on Rogen's and you guys were like that's a really bad idea yeah but now that Diddy and Ashton and Sebastian are involved we have you protected with Sebastian yes not a long texter nah nah yeah yeah I asked a question why I'm like I'm it's written treated again was burning I saw part of it yeah I beat him yeah dismal mic how did that feel it felt so but he took that so serious I had so much he really was like kind of depends what you in the mood for yeah dude it's can I tell you our burgers did we talk about this on the last something's burning or on the last two bears one cave I feel like any podcast I know how they said I I think our burgers were indicative our stand-up meaning if you look at my burger over the top four patties cooked in bacon grease onions mustard special sauce held together by a flimsy little piece of bamboo it's totally burped completely unhealthy but tastes great in your mouth and the Sebastien's perfectly put together - [ __ ] beautiful the best ingredients top-notch little dry yeah do you ever think about having do you think everything will have guests on this podcast I've I've thought it and I thought that it's a resounding no I think so too I think I feel like I feel like we could we could have other buddy teams I got a dream about it man yeah Ben Affleck coming on our show Ben Affleck gotta [ __ ] how great would it be if we got better flight to fall off the wagon hey what never mind don't you think that would be something awesome well I wonder if Ben Affleck has a number maybe I mean another duos but you know what I kind of like the idea of but getting somebody excited it to be on and then just never following through for them you know don't you love that when someone's like I want to be on your podcast you like I want to have you on yeah but it's just not gonna work out I'm theirs so there are there are three people I can think of right now that I've texted with for about a year yeah and never had on my pocket how do you put them off what do you do I just you know what it is it's like I just III I text with them and if i text with someone and they're never gonna end up on my podcast because they you they need to text with like Leanne or reg or Andrew or halston but like well if it goes straight to me it just [ __ ] gets left I don't they just go like can I come on I know I wouldn't say I always go yeah we got to make that happen there's Eric Griffin Josh texted me yesterday he's like when are we gonna podcast um [ __ ] cheat Oh Santino and [ __ ] I want every time I run into him one we in the podcast and he's like dude tell me when and I just it's like I never had the worst follow-through I have the worst follow-through I'm surprised I got married by the way how was your [ __ ] I saw push talking about giving you a [ __ ] yeah I was like Tom got a [ __ ] - yeah I guess I have you in Lee Han - think I have you and push to thank ya yeah they were they were really hoeing it up that way holy [ __ ] Lee Anne was like I feel like I you earned it I was like oh that's what that's how you want a [ __ ] you don't want it to be out of passion you want to be out of debt yeah or or like or like huh I need a pack of cigarettes haha yeah no it was good then I was like just turn over you know what I want to do so we got have you I'm waiting for my [ __ ] emails oh yeah no no no it's it's I can't wait you're number once again eight one eight can you make sure you get this real big you didn't even cover my face with it eight one eight two seven five five five - six what are you gonna text back to people if people write to you are you gonna are you gonna interact with fans yeah well yeah yeah if look I mean people start reaching out yeah I'm going to oh I think that's so much fun you know I'm gonna over interact with fans you are the worst I bet I get blocked by people yeah I bet people that came in lose my number they had one of these a long time ago called say now I got a good I got good advice for you if you start texting with Burt be like a machine hey man I want to get a drink with you man stuff like that I gave this woman who had cancer my phone number one time okay we were in I was in this old Cincinnati funny bone maybe it's the same one it is still is there was in the Cincinnati funny bone and there were these three women were all wearing the same shirt and I was like hey what is this a family reunion and they're like no and I was like what's up with the shirts and they're like you're not reading I'm apparently and I was like now they're all pink shirts with the big breast cancer awareness thing and as they say that my banging my brain going you [ __ ] idiot you maybe sort of learn a dessert do you know what happened to me what so you know that shirt company homage oh my god yeah yeah yeah we're doing a sober October shirt with homage so they do great shirts yeah they do awesome [ __ ] they're out of Ohio and so they have a lot of different sports things and I was like really into them for a minute I was I was buying a bunch of their shirts so one of the shirts that they sell was had this kids image on it like a face oh and I just bought it and wore it and I wore it on something I think on television so I get contacted and they're like not buy them by somebody who was like hey I saw you wearing that shirt and you're gonna be in Columbus and a bunch of people there saw you wearing that shirt so they want to come to the show and I was like okay sure come to the show it was at the Columbus funnybone so I go do the show when I finish the show I'm going back to the green room and someone the staff is like hey so they're here and I was like who's here and they're like remember the family from the hot from the homage shirt and I was like a family and they're like yeah you know you wore that shirt I go yeah they go well they're all here what do you mean they're all here they're like they're all here so they bring back to the green room area like 16 people by the way by the way if you could just put a pin in this you are the worst person for this to like this is not your skill set is like Oh keep going keep going you're gonna love this so I go okay so they bring back these people one by one start coming in and they're like they're like nachos so they're like hey so it was great to be you know at this show I was like yeah thanks you had a good time and you by the way they were like they weren't like we had the best time they were like alright I was like my cup of tea yeah they're like everyone likes different things I guess so I'm like cool so what's up and they're like whoa so you wore that shirt on I must have wart like on Comedy Central or something and I was like oh my god right and they're like and that was a like our son and I was like what and they're like the shirt I go is was your son like yeah it was the shirt was made in memoriam of him and he died and he loved their shirts too and so like how did you first learn about him I was like I don't know what you're talking about oh my god you just saw a child on his shirt and you're like dope shirt son yeah Oh coos is Natalie Holloway she it was a cool shirt I was just like I'll wear that shirt I didn't even think about it and I were like it's a memorial shirt and I was like oh [ __ ] I was like ah [ __ ] so and I was respectful you know obviously I was like so that but the one that she was like so what like what did you know about him and I was like they made him in an excel I was like yeah I was a I like I just I made it up on the spot you know I go I knew the him how much he liked their shirts so I was like oh my god and you can tell that they were like okay um they were black so it's a black kid yeah it's a black kid Tom I thought it was an athlete that's why I got this shirt so I thought I thought it was a penny hardaway shirt and I got it and now they were dude look they were they were nice you could tell that there was a definitely a miscommunication from like seeing the show up that you go the family's here to see you and you're sitting in that small Columbus bunny bone improv green room and the clumps come in [ __ ] just oh my god so wait I want to see the shirt do they have that you know we should do here's the thing by the way I I was super nice to them obviously I didn't mean but I had no idea I was buying a [ __ ] Memorial shirt no no idea it's like my whole fifth grade year I wore women's clothes to school and I don't even know it why they just fit they just fit and then so why were they getting them for you I know they weren't I would go into my parents closet to get a shirt you haven't sent it yet just say they'll send it they'll send it okay she's sending them to me you'll both get activation mails they I just go into my yeah they haven't sent it yet I just go into my my parents closet and I would pick a shirt and I was wearing my dad shirts at one point they were too big and then I found these shirts to fit and they were blouses and it was like kind of when that was cool to wear like blousy stuff and I but and then I noticed all the buttons are on the other side and then someone was like hey where did you get were you is that like a woman's shirt and I was like no they're like he's got a pirate shirt and I was like huh and I was like yeah this is a little blouse II it was like sixth grade seventh grade is when I was wearing women's clothes to school but yeah for a whole year for Oh for an entire year but yeah I and so I give a going back to giving this girl my number I said to this lady I said so what is yours for and she said we have breast cancer and I went oh and I was like okay and then you know you're trying to get out of the hole and you're like but you're okay now right she's like no I was like it really she's like yeah it's actually I'm I'm I just went we thought we were I was in remission but I've got it again and I was like okay was it cool and then I was like um give me your number do you want to do a shot she was like yeah Nosa can you do shots she goes I've cancer I mean it's gonna kill me so yeah I might as well and I was like okay so then I bring up stage and I was like I'm we gonna do a shot I was like how bad is it she's like it's pretty [ __ ] bad and I was like really and some time I gave her my phone number that night it's like listen if you ever get really down I'll give you my phone number if you ever down call me and then I'll just talk to you until you feel better she was like okay and we just we were in the new house by this time in our house and at this time and she called one night and I answered it and it was saved I think woman with cancer and I saved it as woman yes I knew so I wasn't gonna be like who the [ __ ] what breast cancer click so and then I ended up talking to her and I talked to her for so long she was like listen I gotta go and then she hung up on me that is totally gonna be you that's gonna be me yeah if you guys call me at my text me at my phone number which is 3 2 2 3 2 3 2 Oh 808 4 4 then you'll be shocked at how how much I I you know so when you give that a different number before no I give up you have one and I have one ok but that was the same number 3 - 3 - oh eight oh eight four four is Bert all right I'm excited for this this is gonna be fun what if this is the new my space my space burned to the ground so Bobby Kelly got me on this thing called got me on this thing called say now back in the day yeah and it was like Dane was on it Bobby was on it bill I don't say bilborough's on it and you'd give out the number and then people will call it and you got there and you got their number how bad would bill be at this if they're like give IAB like hey I want to connect with my fans oh my god [ __ ] horrible but I would just call this number and you could leave them voicemails uh-huh so all sudden their phone would ring and they'd answer it and they'd get a voicemail and dude so many people [ __ ] unfollowed me that on that so quickly cuz I get drunk it's 2:00 in the morning I got some big thoughts and I just rant I do a podcast by myself into their phone yeah and people would call me like MN listen dude I just saw you once at a club I sign up with a stupid number please take me off the [ __ ] list I got work in the morning yeah so get ready guys it's gonna be a blast - me text Tom we're gonna chitchat text Whitney Cummings text be Diddy diddy who else somebody else Didymos we'll be fine on it uh jokeboys on it I think Jo koy is on it yeah celebrity comedians right yeah like us we're celebrity community celebrity Kimmy would you ever do like a celebrity like golf tournament or boxing match or something um I don't know man I don't think so I would do a golf to him in a heartbeat I don't play golf though Oh what about what if what about this would you do when they do the UM when they do the Formula One racing down in yes Long Beach would you do that Adam Carolla does that oh that's oh oh that would be fun is false oh wait a minute recap what it have you done class wise in the last week for sober October um I think I haven't done anything new I've done spear fishing tactical training surfing that hot sweat wait you didn't do spear fish before the last one did you yeah it was yeah that's beautiful okay dude now I'm doing holding my breath things I've been online yeah doing these um they're called something charts where you your o2 charts were you just trying to get the oxide in your blood and just feel uncomfortable for as long as you can I held my breath for a minute 30 today that's pretty good I'm [ __ ] getting really good at holding my breath I know that's a silly thing I once was what was the way how do you practice what do you do your breath that's it yeah that's all you can do well you can I'm saying is there is there a something that they advise you to do to do to increase it yeah hold your breath and walk okay like and so that gets your body like see how like you're supposed to like I did gentle bells kettle bells but a farmer carry yeah so farmers walk and we'll try to walk a hundred meters with the kettle bells in my hands nice yeah and then I'd and then I've been swimming back and forth of my pool back to see how long I can go underwater but then but the real thing is these charts and I think I [ __ ] him up I have the app on my phone but you're just supposed to like you know that part apparently the part where you feel like you're gonna die when you're holding your breath yeah you can listen you can live there for like forever what yeah that that doesn't mean anything when you hold your breath you feel you're gonna die that doesn't mean anything that's apparently like really good I haven't read I don't follow through with all the things so I don't do all the research but yeah that's like the best part holding your breath something like that something like that I wonder if a doctor would say the same thing I'm trying to give us like that best part when you feel like you're gonna die it's good for you I'm trying to get us a spear fishing trip off Catalina me you and Joe do you want a jet ski they're a hundred percent they offer that to jet ski to Catalina yeah I would do that in a heartbeat I follow that I think the company is called jet ski to Catalina I followed my Instagram you know I wanted to take a jet ski from Mexico to Tampa in 2009 when I that's my way further than okay it's all about chase boats I wanted to get I wanted to get a jet to promote my 2009 Comedy Central special yeah I told him I wanted to do a special leading into my special where I took a jet ski live and we put it online we aired it like his commercial breaks on the on like that all that day leading up to my special and we took a jet ski from I just literally went out rented a jet ski in Mexico and just started going to Tampa hmm and they passed look and then Kurt Braunohler you can really jet ski to Catalina yeah that's the name of a company shut the [ __ ] are called jet ski to Catalina I could do that in a heartbeat hey yeah Jessica de Catalina we want to document our trip just came to Catalina how long do you think it takes a jet ski to Catalina can't be that long it's at a Long Beach I mean you're ripping going there right it's already 40 miles an hour [ __ ] leased to see [ __ ] sharks everywhere it's awesome I swim with great white sharks off of Catalina I uh I flew a plane last week oh wait wait tell me about that so fun for real yes so have you been doing the classes yeah but those that's a class that's one of the classes the whole concept this year was like you can sign up for any class it's ya know by meant I mean have you been told you know that was my first one it was my first very first time they let you fly immediately and I was like so we're gonna do some classroom training first he's like no we're not and I was like what are we gonna do he's like you're just gonna fly yeah and I was like okay and like I go so what now he's like I mean just take over me I go are you gonna tell me what to do and yeah so if you don't learn how to skin a fish by talking about it let's do it let's do it shut and then he was like and as as soon as we you know he showed me the foot pedals till actually drive on the ground then we got to the runway he's like I'll control the foot pedals on the runway you dizzy you mind you know he's next to me right next to you and he's got his own controls too so he's like if you're [ __ ] something up I'll take over the controls and I was like okay so I took off I flew around I banked I went out to the ocean I dipped down a 700 feet flew over Malibu over like off the coast thanks back around flew over the hill back into Van and then the thing that I thought was crazy was so we're approaching vanna vanna is the the strip is on on my left right and we're flying a like what's it perpendicular to it right yeah so I go uh should I Bank and head towards that he goes I leave it up to your discretion and I was like okay so I was like I'm gonna go for it he went so from my bar I Bank and now I'm leading up to the runway in my mind I'm like well landings are the most where every noise so I'm like this is where he'll be like I got it from here I'm like so should I keep flying he's like yeah and I go alright he's like and he's giving me verbal got he's like he's like nose down a little bit once you pull off the power a little bit go down like 40% and a little bit lower and point that nose down a little more now we're approaching I'm like are you letting me land the [ __ ] point the [ __ ] now we're on the approach and I'm like we're right over trees I mean I'm like so as we're actually now approaching the strip I'm like there's no way this [ __ ] guy is gonna be like just land so as we're like coming down though I feel it cuz that the yokes are connected right yeah yeah yeah yeah so I feel him I'm like oh [ __ ] thank God so he doesn't tell me to let go he's like he's like no no he just kind of does it with but he's obviously like in control now yeah and he lands and I was like Jesus man I thought you were gonna let me [ __ ] Lance oh my god what kind of plane was it it was an sr-22 turbo can you put one of those up so I can see a cirrus Cir are us i would love sr22 turbo oh shut up yeah one of those yeah hit images there you go that's it god yeah so [ __ ] awe and so are you are you gonna take all the lessons and learn how to fly now I kind of want to man I really enjoy well it's kind of nicer than you know how you'll die yeah it's like going whoa I'm a smoker that's how I'm going out yeah my planes that's what I do you think John Denver was drunk when he crashed his plane uh how he died yeah he crashed his plane in Santa Monica in the ocean he did yeah they say drunk these uh these have a parachute in the plane the plane has a parachute real wild yeah so right here there's a lever and if you're anywhere about 400 feet you could pull it and a parachute comes out of the top of the plane how often I use that by the way he tells me we're about to take off and he's like there's a parachute like built-in to the plane Ford the plane I was like oh yeah yeah okay cool he goes so if I have a heart attack something happens to me you know where it is I'm like all right and he goes I go just pull the parachute he goes look for like he goes like a good area and then just pull it there I'm like what's a good area yeah yeah yeah define good area [ __ ] holy [ __ ] he goes nothing to happen I got a poor diet but nothing's gonna happen he's so he's like if I have a heart oh I never even thought about that you go over that kind of eyeball he's like keeled over you're like Mayday Mayday this is Tom Segura sure it is my guys is that a heart attack get off the pole Horn careful yeah so that's so [ __ ] awesome how many hours you have to fly before you can just take planes out flame yourself like 25 hours no yeah doesn't take long yeah that you're not gonna get like instrument ratings and stuff but like you want to have a person like a private pilot's license it doesn't take that much dude yeah that's the way I could stay sober I also went to a Porsche driving experience and got him with the chief instructor to do a manual like race course that was one of my classes holy [ __ ] what car did you drive I did a I did the car that I have the manual version right the the Cayman GTS but the 7 1 8 the newer version hold up come on it off yeah look up 7 1 8 GTS really really fun car to drive yeah just like that it's fun really fun but the fun thing is doing it like you think you know how to drive everybody kind of does yeah and then when you hit a track with a prodrug like guys who have raced for their life yeah and they start telling you where to turn where to give power where to back off so I just riding shotgun telling you what's it up he's like he's like drop it down a second he was like throttle throttle throttle and then he's like brake back brake back brake and then he's like come out here like the you're turning in here you should be turning from this point like giving you exactly how to drive then we got into a look this up look a gt3 RS yeah we got it one of the whoa and he he he ripped that [ __ ] do you drove with him he drove he was like check this [ __ ] out yeah that's $253,000 car yeah shut its I wish I was in the car Joe has one of those Joe has that car has a gt3 RS yeah but like what like what do you I mean like what do you do with it you just wait till you get everyone goes to sleep and then drive it on the highway I mean you ideally you should take you really should take it to a track has he ever taken history track I have no idea but also it's just so fun to drive that there's so much power it's based this is like a street-legal racecar those are that's we I had a Corvette for like a week and I'm not a car guy but the Camaro people or whatever the XCore bath Chevy yeah they were like hey do you want to have a Corvette for a week we're like yeah sure why not dude it was so much fun to see that but that's so much fun to drive but then I was like I'd be an idiot to pilot Corvette like and everyone says oh you don't buy a Corvette like you buy a [ __ ] Ferrari No why can't you buy a Corvette they're fun cars those are the new ones no pulled up look at that look the 2020 Corvette it looks like a look at that that first image there oh yes very beautiful car yeah and look at the price it's [ __ ] like they start at 62 or 55 or so really yeah it's an amazing ride we went we went looked it click that image below it look at that oh my god that's beautiful kind of looks like an NSX it kind of looks like a 458 Ferrari it's a [ __ ] Corvette yeah but what do I look like in that like if you look like how little is his dick no midlife crisis Paul Rudd what all right yeah much uh you don't think that looks [ __ ] amazing it looks amazing I just like I just hope I'm picturing myself in it yeah but no one knows it's you until you get out no everyone knows when you drive that car everyone [ __ ] looks at you when you drive a Corvette everyone looks at you it's amazing how many people look at you and go like this oh yeah that's all I got when I had a core family oh where were you driving it to just everywhere everywhere I loved that car I had so much fun I'd wake up they just hit you up and were like do you want a car yeah you want to want to ride a Corvette for and this before social media there's like before like not before social media but before I was on social media and so like I now I bet I could definitely get a Corvette hey what's your take on advertising on Instagram like if someone wanted to pay you say like like I don't know like something to post something on Instagram would you do it I guess it depends appends on what they wanted me to post and how much they're paying me to post it okay good what what's your take I'm all for it are you getting approached yeah I got a bit starting an approach once I hit a million yeah people started hitting me up going like hey man would you be interested in advertising our product and I'm but I mean it depends on the product for sure right it doesn't matter at all its what it's about abortion they want me to be pro-abortion yeah great yeah good abortions yeah whatever all right that's fine no I I started getting approached sues you at a million it's crazy do you know like people are like with 50,000 people on Instagram to follow them consider themselves influencers yeah and that [ __ ] insane and then delusional a [ __ ] no email from her even though she texted she group texted us yeah maybe she's not in a rush to get maybe she her rushes to get us our phone numbers caller yeah alright guys were calling Molly oh sweet face timer whatever whatever you want Oh what kind of face timer what color hair do you think she has blonde curly gray picture of her right there oh how do you how do you ever full name she's one of my friends she's not me FaceTime is a FaceTime from when you don't oh hey Molly hey no yeah yeah yeah but we're not showing you we're trying to guess what your look look like here's Tom here tom has a lot of questions he wants to pay you so you're put about the Mike so people oh yeah so we're super excited to connect with our fans and we haven't gotten the where we're going to put this show out soon but we haven't gotten the links like we got we got no we got we got the email that says like I'll tell you what we got we got the one that says welcome to community but that's not enough right or is that it get the app okay and then that's it and it's like sign in here you'd be thick boy one I'll be thick boy - okay all right he's telling me things that we're gonna do on our app okay well and you got you guys go ahead Molly am I allowed to use black excellence also or is that just him okay well I can text them because now I have his number okay yeah okay and I don't think I don't think we'll want to change we won't want to change our photo IDs you set up photos that's really nice tell Ashton I said hi of course you actually know Ashton Kutcher so wait okay um does he still look beautiful get a moustache does he can you tell these aging at all for real wait ask him one thing what's the part you said you can adjust things in where do you adjust it do I do step 1 or step step 1 view in the app store what you need to do is go into the meeting tomorrow Molly and be like be like oh this is the part I want what do I do put in here it says redeem your code oh yeah we're doing a podcast where we're basically said fine it's fine and hey now so how often do you see Ashton how much do you think he weighs a hundred that stop there stop there a hundred a hundred shut up today is he it is he as he ages is he getting smarter do you think does he say bro at all okay he says bro is this how your brain works does he drink I know that he has III mean I hadn't interviewed on one time and he was talking about he liked to build decks and have Heinekens he doesn't get drunk and say an appropriate [ __ ] now okay Molly Molly one more question about Ashton's will you go into the meeting tomorrow and go guys big news we just landed both pairs who's the who's the biggest client you guys have in your opinion and you can't be asked in JLo JLo is so [ __ ] hot Archie was an [ __ ] - uh-oh tom has a question about JLo my bus driver said she was an [ __ ] my bus drivers in this baby no yeah she is so [ __ ] hot she is so okay Tom is another [ __ ] question of luck I got a question Molly I keep getting this it just says step one get test flight view an app store what am I supposed to do I'm looking at test flight right here it's on my phones I just did it yeah you just did it so then let me just text you guys the link to download directly the app one second okay okay while you do this do you know Mila at all she's for real hey will you do me a favor will you put the machine story in front of Mila coz she's Russian and this and just and just be like half but you like this it involves your people thank you thank you yeah yeah just be like yo that's a funny thing about Russian things and I thought you'd like it and then be like and then be like is it just me or is this guy cute with his shirt off and then just see what she says and then you have my number obviously text me and let me know oh yeah yeah send her Tom's to college yeah let's guess I'm gonna guess USC Tom what do you guess Stanford oh she's Silicon Valley Silicon Valley where'd you go to school hard Harvard Harvard Harvard ask you something Molly do you kind of feel like are you like is it like a quiet flex every time you get to say Harvard I mean [Laughter] are we with the Harvard we're doing great we're give any questions about ashton kutcher you have his number oh yeah all right I'm gonna start [ __ ] hounding ask and be like yo bro man your neighborhood let's hang hey man I got my swimsuit my back of my trunk I wanna go swimming what's the hey can I ask you something I mean what is the [ __ ] point like do you get anything out of it other than like oh hey I'm connecting with some [ __ ] [ __ ] fan like is there any point to it talking your microphone I just I just logged in and I just got to see my profile picture okay thanks man that's great it's great social media is continuing the conversation with your fans that you want to have with the people you I like like if Jeff Tweedy if you guys get Wilco on this and there's a way I could connect with Jeff Tweety you why Oh cuz I'm gonna because I'm a dad are we talking about dad Rock right now okay maybe we'll get the who I love fish [ __ ] are you making fun of me now I didn't realize that yeah and by the way I saw Dave Matthews recently and he still holds up okay fYI we're you guys in Santa Monica yeah okay sure Oscar Tom Tom wants to know can he send dick pics tasteful he says tasteful just different dicks good call it's a good one going hey you know what we would love we would love to have Ashton's come on two bears one cave and talk about this ask if he's interested yeah or Mila actually we'd rather Mila if we could yeah yeah yeah yeah we're like we're actually in the building next to you guys look over knock on the door yeah all right we're gonna we're doing a podcast we'll call you guys later okay all right go Harvard I went up as you um Molly's cute yeah she's very cute really cute she was what she would run circles around me out on first date you've got to be a nightmare if we went on a first date do you realize how out of my league I'd be we're talking to a girl I mean I feel like the phone call was a good summary of the head that I just hounded her about Ashton I do that the whole first date is that is that where you relate to Leanne no I don't remember Leanne and I went to a gay restaurant on our first date what do you mean it was a gay restaurant like Lorenzo set us up and he didn't want he didn't want us to it to work so he liked her yeah yes one or two and so he sent me to a gay restaurant thinking that would like throw my game but Eddie Izzard was there and I was watching it he is heard the whole time we just talked about Eddie Izzard the whole time who's that Eddie Izzard the guy who ran like 100 marathons oh that gives the cross-dressing yeah yeah yeah yeah hate crime but hate crime I don't know I can't even know it's a anymore but he's the guy that dresses like a girl that's right I think he's trans I know he's transgendered now now now Eddie go go to the wiki Wookieepedia go back to interesting you know no I'm not I'm not trying to throw shade towards Eddie Izzard it's kind of interesting because he just looks like a mom yeah like he does like I I eat at that age I'd be like I guess I'll just be a guy cuz I'm not gonna look like a hot chick yeah 57 yeah now it actually it looks like a friend's mom yeah he's like lives in Wisconsin yeah and you can't want to be like you know friends mom like your mom kind of looks like a guy a little bit yeah he looks like he'd be at a Republican convention mom like he'd be like well now Eddie's running for office to shut up yeah scroll down scroll down do he's an interesting [ __ ] guy he see campaign for various cause we're in 43 marathons in 51 days unn [ __ ] with no history of long-distance running that is [ __ ] insane I ran six miles today and I've been working out great imagine you on a date with Eddie how [ __ ] that intense would that be dude he well wait wait click personal life click 5 I think he's it's he transgendered or just like yeah it says is it as transgender right there right so we to scroll more calling himself somewhat boyish somewhat girlish but he's been doing this for years and it wasn't a stunt I didn't a lot of people thought it was a stunt like to get ticket rails you know like the way someone would take their shirt off or whatever nothing about dating though you know I think you can be transgendered but still date no I'm saying no right like no there's no thing like he identifies as a transvestite Oh in 1992 swayed his transvestite a word you don't say anymore what's the definition of transvestite [ __ ] Google transvestite I'm curious because that was what the word was when I was a kid right yeah it was is it because it's the Veidt makes it sound like a hate crime they got rid of it Logan looks like it's dressing primarily yeah you can you can actually say it oh you just kind of worded it to yourself do you want to say it out loud now do those SMS SM ours I don't like that [ __ ] doesn't do anything for me how about just a normal number that I like a lot but sometimes I want to puke uh-uh dude never I could you're so gross though I tell ya [ __ ] holes on the foot thing I want to [ __ ] kill myself when oh my god I have been obsessed with dr. pimple popper she if I could get her to give me a blackhead so she'd extract it I'd do it really it'll heartbeat do you do you pop pimples like do you take your time with it really look at watch it I don't get pimples ever never why do you like the holes on the pan I have no [ __ ] idea oh my god I just found mango fly bites and type in mango flies well you know this is oh my god this is this is my mango worm is that it oh my god oh my god go to the bopping girl the bopping oh my god this [ __ ] video I watched this video this is my obsession it's that thing in real life mango worm removal oh my come on play it what are you waiting for nits off mango worm removal oh my God look at this Tom Tom it leaves the holes and I feel [ __ ] oh this is the greatest thing ever i watch this in the car or in the bus yeah just go right there what what what is this these are in a dog and what happened and you got bit by a mango fly I think and it leaves were right and then and then watch my weight watch first of all this guy's not wearing a [ __ ] glove he's from South look at that it leaves all the holes and I was talking about she's wearing a glove he's super happy about it too and there's this is their dog and they just come out from everywhere all right I'm good I'm good oh my god I'm good Maya and I were watching dr. pimple popper together on on YouTube and we could not put it away Tom I went in and woke her up and I was like there's one more you got to see this one ila dude I am obsessed with dr. pill okay so um I found the toe bro toe bros the guy who does the same thing but for feet dude have you ever seen a corn removal now oh my god I had a corn I didn't even knows the cord I thought it was a plantar's wart and then I dug it out one day I gotta get out I'll get out we went we went a catfish noodlin and I had my feet were wet all day and I got in the van we were on how do you get a corn uh I think by moisture no I think it's it's a it's basically a callus but it sits in a place where you're not getting support on your foot yeah it just rubs and rubs and rubs and it starts it plants like a seed almost and then that seed kind of forms this callus it's really painful and so I had a corn on the on the front of my foot like right like right here on my foot and we went crapless noodling and I went and I and my foot was like super super pruned and I just took a knife and tug and I removed it myself I thought as a planners work it takes to pull try to pick up players were course yeah yeah yeah you don't like that's a part of your personality I think that you're lying about what do you think I'm willing that that you don't smell things on your body and you don't like like dirty things no I I do like dirty things but I don't like pimples yeah but not like a crazy amount but I do like it I would enjoy I enjoy popping a pimple I enjoy like when you when you see it and you get to go to the mirror and you [ __ ] see it shoot out I do like I told Georgia and I don't know we're talking about best pimple pop ever do you have it one pimple pop that stands out to you like I have to 5th grade one on my chin and I was in the back in my mom's station wagon and I had the mirror between my legs and I squeezed it and it shot on the mirrors the first time I was it shot on a mirror and I was like what the [ __ ] yeah I remember shooting the mirror does not hold a candle to sophomore year in college I had a pimple on the inside of my nose right in here and it was so bad that it was swollen and I was I having a hard time breathing it was that swollen and you can see it was red on the outside of games okay Nick okay no no no and so I grabbed it like this and I started squeezing it seeing if I could squeeze on the other side and a hair shut out just when I was like oh my god oh my god I pulled the hair out squeezed it and it hosed the mirror it went on the other side of my nose dude if I could have one of those a month I would be so [ __ ] happy really dude one time I look at these two lesbians in New York and I have a little hole on my back I got one like on my ass crack and I went to a doctor and I was like what's going on and he was like yeah it's infected take this this antibiotic you take an antibiotic for a pimple there's like a big [ __ ] [ __ ] thing and I was like sensitive it hurts well he's and I felt it building for a few days and then I went to bed and the next morning I woke up okay it had ruptured and dried and your sheets were stuck to your ass well my boxers were now crusty the blood in the pus had all dried up on the boxers but all the pain was gone but I wish I could have seen it but it was like oh my god it was pretty it was pretty cool see if I could find something similar to show you do you know a lot of those times I had I had a pimple on my ass crack when I was at the remember the time they said I threw up all over the walls and [ __ ] on the bed at the Cincinnati funny bone hmm yeah tell us see that same weekend I had a pimple on my tailbone and I googled it they're like some people it's it's it's a tail like some people are born with a tail yeah and I was like I was terrified I was growing a tail all [ __ ] weekend but then it I sat on the toilet too fast and it popped were you looking for a picture of your yes I'm a similar on your tailbone yeah all the freight later are you about to join did you download it I haven't even started giving our numbers one more time have you kept trying you just keep our numbers up the whole time have you borrowed it on that and I'm just saying that and that's been popped up all the whole time I'll go download it right yeah but put my phone number up please you've got almost a Oh welcome to community will you read them again the phone numbers yep our phone numbers my minds eight one eight two seven five five five two six and mine is three two three two oh eight oh eight four four I bet Ashton's got like the best [ __ ] number yeah like two eight zero zero zero zero zero zero I know we're pretty much gonna have Ashton Kutcher on our podcast I think it feels like it's gonna happen I think we should make the exception to have a guest on this show I know we were just talking about that today yeah well definitely I've asked it on here let me record this for Instagram for Instagram this little thing yeah I thought we were all on phone numbers no hey guys Bert and I are doing two bears from cave you know I've always wanted to find a way to connect with my fans more and I'm like huh how do i how do I stay connected to him you know you can text me I just like actually I should give out my phone number you and then that way all my fans can just text me one net three two three two oh eight that's your number eight four four call me I'm at eight one eight two seven five five five to six as nothing it gives you more joy than the idea of texting my fans eight one eight two seven five five five two six hashtag black excellence what's up Diddy I'll hit you back in a minute all right I'm gonna hit you back in a minute you know chien right that's all really that kind of bum you out that song so her and then to think that some white Jewish kid wrote it some dude named Ari in the Minnesota Vikings you're shirtless now I know I said what are you down to below 2:30 you said 3:30 when you got no because I'm so used to it oh yeah so here's something just a reminder to people if at the end of the month you're 205 you win sober October yeah well I mean pages have you read I'm reading a book on uber and I'm about like maybe 40 pages then yeah I've just yeah all these reading I just I'm gonna read the rest of it on the plane when I on the plane to DC this weekend oh this weekend I'm in Virginia Beach Baltimore Montclair New Jersey and Huntington New York I have a Europe oh so if you want to come to a show the only show left with tickets Paris and Paris yeah I'm doing a small place there that wears tickets available and then London released tickets there's only a few left for that show it's a big show you can get tickets to that and then when I come back November 6 Kingston New York November 7th New York City The Late Show at the Beacon has tickets November 8th The Late Show at parks Casino in Bensalem and November 10 in Syracuse and then it's on to tour to a special week so oh [ __ ] yeah my special is November 23rd I'm thinking about adding two shows on the 24th in Cleveland so keep your eyes peeled if we add those shows but yeah I'm already done like six there what you already have that I've seven shows right now in Cleveland yes think about two more yeah but sounds that big of a theater it's only like a thousand seats and if you're doing a special you got a budget kill so it's yeah it's actually this guy let's get you're not modest yep and then yeah I'm on the road Bert Bert Bert calm bodyshots world tour and I by the way secret time I am adding club dates on Tuesdays Wednesdays and Mondays in November so check in November in November I'm gonna be doing stand-up every single day until my special I'm gonna hit you back in a minute all right there it is love you love you guys bye guys tops while the other where's the shirt Tom tell stories and Bert's not machine there's not a chance in hell today okay bleep here's what we call [Music] scripts a beta boos amateur potala G dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call there's one page [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 759,882

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: e9U3XlUi5Gg

Length: 53min 57sec (3237 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 21 2019