Ep. 11 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

to show welcome another episode to bears one cave we are wrapping up the great month of October it's sober October we called a sober October 10th and this sober October was a thing but and then I think everyone thought that I tried to co-opt it and like make it sober October cuz like then last year I remember posting sober October and everyone was like oh I guess we'll just make it about you Burt I was like I thought that was what it was in the first place but yeah these these shirts are available at homage and all the proceeds go to st. Jude's some of the proceeds go to st. Jude's I don't really love them I don't know how that works I I don't I'll tell you this I don't make any money off this shirt so these sober October shirts are at you can get them even though if it's November and you're watching this you can get them at homage it's actually really comfortable how much makes great shirts they do they've got a great Memorial shirt the Tamla I'm mortified that happen what do you think about them I'm like who who are you talking about yeah but but check these shirts out go to all miss calm they're great people and yeah yeah all right you ever read I do this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by hims listen a lot of guys are losing their hair by 35 some whole to you yeah I just turned 40 and look you want to be the guy that just wears a hat everywhere no I have a lusciously full head of hair it's even graying that's how great get a haircut plan tomorrow you know why I have a haircut plan tomorrow yeah because I got in fun into that bus I said you know what I'm losing my hair I was 22 years old Jeff Hartley was standing over me goes bro your hair is thinning and I had a [ __ ] panic set into my life and I said I'm not gonna be the guy that's bald I remember there was really do when they get to the back what do you mean when they get to that when they cut your hair and they're like there's what do they do I'll tell you what they stop doing it was putting the mirror behind my head they don't do that anymore but I still have enough hair to cheat it yeah like you get like if you don't know like on TV are you wearing special no oh yeah actually I'm gonna wear have this pressure Fedora I think so only because I feel like all my specials are shirtless and they all blend into one yeah yeah either I got to lose an aggressive amount of weight or her or game aggressive about a weight our the fans would like that yeah I gotta go for Melissa McCrory on you don't want to be the person the worst is the person who does nothing about the hair loss you got to get in front of it and that's why if you go to for hems dot-com here's what I like I like not having to leave my house to do something and these guys you could you do the consultation over the internet you do you consult with a doctor and these are solutions based in science they're not [ __ ] ones that you'd find at some gas station some snake oil pillars horseshit that like a little I took a pill for a while that was like this it made my nails very brittle honestly I feel like the person who would have a horrible hair loss solution is Burt like if you were to be like hey man I'm losing my hair he'd be like you know what you're gonna do you got to come over I got coconuts I got avocados I got carded everything core I tried everything and that's what's beautiful about hims you'd sit with a doctor on a it online concrete confidentially you know I'm to go in I had to go back in and back in the day I had to go in and ask this is 1994 I had to sit with a doctor and say I was losing my hair and the doctor said I don't see it and I was like can you just give me the [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm losing my mind here so it's very discrete you go to a doctor or online consultation they then give you prescriptions backed by science and you can take care of this right now this Thanksgiving when your relatives are saying healthy and bold they'll be talking about your hair and not the turkey right now our listeners can get started with hymns the complete hair kit for $5 dollars right now while supplies last and subject obviously to a doctor's approval see the website for full details and safety information this will cost you hundreds if you went to a doctor or a pharmacy somewhere else go to for hems comm slash bears that's fo r hims dot-com slash bears for hims comm slash bears be like the hairy bear and not the less hairy bear okay so thanks for hims we were almost done with the month technically right now I'm in Europe wait how is this happening we recorded it early yeah this is a good time but I got to tell you of all the places I've been Paris just feels like home do you tickets to sell in Paris yep it's the only place that I was like holy [ __ ] this really was a bad idea why did you pick Paris out of all the places okay they initially brought me in 18 cities who where I was like I have young children man so [ __ ] 18 City where all are you going in Europe it starts in Budapest then Berlin then Antwerp Amsterdam Antwerp amazing is it I loved Antwerp and by the way I have hated Belgium my entire life why I just because the only place I've ever been to Belgium was Brussels and Brussels is disgusting why is it disgusting well let me rephrase that I'd only been to the subway station in Brussels I'd actually never actually walked out of the subway station and I got pickpocketed so I hated Brussels because I have that one experience I've only been to Brussels twice actually okay pickpocketed once and the other time I was so scared I was gonna get pickpocketed I hustled ooh there grabbed a big yet the bottle of wine and got another train to Amsterdam this reminds me of when you go I never haven't had drinking oh you know how long like I think you're drinking I had like two drinks it you know I'm thinking about getting [ __ ] given Liana [ __ ] cease and desist on [ __ ] podcast do you hear how she lights me up a [ __ ] [ __ ] just talking to her about like yeah Bert has a fatty liver but it's not from drinking rightly a goes don't believe that [ __ ] I'm like the [ __ ] she goes he tells you what you wants you to hear I'm like huh first of all I didn't know she knew that yeah I thought she was like bought my [ __ ] hook line and sinker no I'm I barely drank in August and by the way if I'd go to that but like let's really break that down okay I drank probably every Friday every Saturday and probably all Sundays but once so I drank 12 days and no weekdays no well a couple a couple han to maybe do maybe okay I probably drank maybe tops 15 times you think there's zero part of the fatty liver thing is alcohol zero I don't know I got a I got a another Reid test on my liver in December so we're gonna find out I'm thinking about not drinking until November 23rd you really gonna do that thinking about it I'll tell you the only part though is I'm not sleeping on the bus and if I drink I sleep like a [ __ ] dead man sounds like a solution huh I wish I could take xanax right now that's the one drug I really miss just sleeping because our whoops I've got me so and anxious about my sleep like I literally wake up look at my we'll talk about this when we do our group or add later but but I like my sleep has been [ __ ] I didn't sleep at all last night I slept so great dude I slept and we're not a crazy hike though for real yeah before I don't mmm I don't know the distance but I hid by yourself yeah I had almost 20 on the strain what like over 19 yeah on the hot was always a like [ __ ] steep hike very steep and long wait where do you hike at your house yeah when I went up to a hill but then I witness house and they're hiking to another city wait where did you hide - it was a past Encino and then I took a break for a while then I hiked back and then I decided to go towards Calabasas sweet what do you think about when you hike cuz I just took a hike today and I was cognizant of what I was thinking about and that's interesting I think it changes right like usually it's like what's on your mind right at the moment is the first part of it but then it drifts into all kinds of things like you get into like creative stop thoughts then you get into life stuff right then like yeah thought do you think about relationships dynamics with people family friends then you think about things you want to do both career-wise personal so they all kind of it's really good for that stuff I was thinking about scarcity today about what scarcity people that live with scarcity in their life I've never really lived with scarcity we've talked about this before because I think we're both lucky at the places we are in our career and we've you always have this thought of like what if it all goes away yeah and I think it's so funny I've always thought that at every juncture of my career right right if it all goes away and then like even like and I think there are people that are cognizant I think that's a healthy of you to have but if you live with scarcity where you're like scrambling and you're like I need that that's mine that's mine that's mine like you know no I think that's so [ __ ] unhealthy I think you're right I was thinking about scarcity and panic is like that it's a panic it's a it's a famine mentality yeah yeah well it sounds like you're saying scare City like you're said like it's a place you buy Halloween stuff no I do that with I do that would scare city yeah scarcity scare City scarcity I say cement why do you say cement I don't know what do you say what what do you call the school that is from second grade through fifth grade or first through fifth priest earth ella ella elementary yeah as we say it the same way how do you I say elementary but Josh says elementary this on it's the only thing I really don't like about I say I say what do you call it when a person rubs your body until you know how do you come no rubs your body look the person that rubs your body massage their just massage you say massage I say massage wait massage massage your whole your lips purse out it's really it's really this guy's online as let me say it again massage massage I saw this guy in line it's at massage masage I saw this guy - line at security today you know you're like just half out of it this is what he this is what he did with his lips okay uh he did it I saw him do it and it seems so odd to me I didn't realize he was looking at me and I redid it to him like you so the line just to put this in perspective right it's a security line in Indianapolis and he is here in this and he's gonna walk this way and this portion is the people he recognized and then behind those people is me so he hugged them over their shoulder and did this look with his face and then I saw it looking at me and I did it to him and he saw me do it to him and went I'm gonna do it good good so wait set it up again you're waiting in a line I'm waiting in line security line okay so so just to put this in perspective this is the guy this is the couple he's recognizing and this is me okay it's a man and woman this by the way this gets even creepier because he's walking right and he seized them and his lip does this I hope to god I can do it right okay his lip does this right hey you guys what are you doing here now I start going like that back to him and they go we're good we're going to dot dot dot and he goes uh-huh work or pleasure and then this guy goes pleasure going what a [ __ ] weirdest thing was sure lots of it yeah you guys and then buddy hug them over their shoulders and so you go and I saw his lip and I just immediately do you know why don't we do that - you do that - and like when you're right a joke you'll go like this oh I talk to myself yeah yeah yeah instantly I will do the talk to yourself Oh hardcore yeah Georgia Nayla will be like hey stop reading material just talk to us and I'm like what huh what do it in the car though I have to look like a complete [ __ ] maniac oh hi drive around oh you put me in an uber yeah I'm so [ __ ] hard I cannot crack the code on do you ever have the thing where you do confrontations that you want to have in real life but driving in you're like no it's [ __ ] [ __ ] all right yeah you're not gonna and then you see yourself like oh boy no it's not gonna work out god I have that all the time I've done it fought with Leanne with her in bed with me yeah I'm fighting him bed with her but she doesn't know it and I'm doing it silently and then she's picked up on the conversation that I'm having and going we are you talking to me in your head I'm like no what are you talking about do you think if you speaking of man do you think if you make out with someone they've considered cheating is there a camera in front of us no no here's a question do one thing is cheating yes what I tell her about it no what would she do if she found out she'd be really mad hmm I believe I think she'd be like what like I think she'd be like more confused and what is it okay what if you smelled someones armpit hold on let's get back to this let's get back to this so let's let's set the scenario up for me so I can defend define of his cheating or not okay you finish the show okay all right yeah yeah yeah goodnight backstage and they they're like hey we have some people that want to say hi like okay and you meet a group of them and one of them's a attractive woman and she's like really you know like social and fun and you're like laughs and having a good time everyone and then they all leave you start having a few drinks when you were walking out the back to go back to the bus you see her again she's like hey I just met you yeah and she's like oh my god can I see the bus of course yeah yeah so you go in the bus and you're showing her around drink yeah I'd let me go something you see Rena having more drinks now it's two or three drinks I said me and her we should probably eat up with everyone she's like yeah well wait but like everyone's at that bar it's so crowded there you can't even hear somebody talk just keeps talking to you right and then you're showing her around she's like oh man like how does this thing work and the stretch present buttons and making sure they put some music oh wow lights go I'd go out but musics on oh that's lights actually you're closing the door oh he just leans over and she she kisses you you start making out and then she's like oh my god that was crazy let's go to that bar now doesn't happen that's not TV that's not no because I would I would bookend it with I can't do this I'm married so yeah it's like the same as like it's the same as like if if you have a piece-of-shit car and you see someone about to hit you and you're like little just take the charge get the [ __ ] insurance money girl so but you're not telling that story Leanne I'm totally and oh my god some girl freaks me tonight can we tell her new Oh she'll hear this oh no I would be I would I would if a girl kissed me I would be like I would definitely bookend it with I can't do this I'm married there we go then you're out you can kiss her a little bit back be like whoa what did you just do to me right right right that to me yeah that's right that's right yeah you get a little bit yeah I bet yeah it's like [ __ ] and like it let's say she takes your hand and puts it between her legs you get a little feel and you're like hey my hand what are you doing to me what are you doing to me ow ow that hurts my fingers yeah yeah now I wish I really wish I could be the guy that cheated on my wife I would love that I can't I'm not that guy right now I'm such a [ __ ] but I'm like I've said no vibe but mine my bus driver is so [ __ ] funny you keep saying this I he makes me laugh so [ __ ] hard what I want to tell you the story but I'm afraid like he's just one day we're driving the bus he's like Burt Sebastian is he the driver he's Italian Burt mommy he's like even love your impressions less he goes can I tell you why you're a man of Fortune I said why he goes because you say no to all that [ __ ] I go really wrong he was like oh yeah I should already said his name I can't tell you how great oh it's so good he makes me laugh so [ __ ] hard we went to the New Era store yeah and and both me and him are hack eyes and we were like kids and candy source Andrew got one hat Shan Torres got one hat me and Ron both bought seven G's like I we couldn't stop and then they designed a bunch they got two bears one that came two bears one came back coming to us that's okay you're good are they should have enough sizes for all of us that's awesome yeah and then you got to go to the new arrow store when you go to Buffy I definitely will um so what if you [ __ ] a [ __ ] is that cheating yeah does a whole weight a [ __ ] yeah you're just so funny it's definitely cheating but like I said to dr. drew once I said you know if I had a month to live I'd have to tell Leanne listen I'm gonna go run through all the [ __ ] that I've wanted to [ __ ] like Andrews like yeah but then drew that okay it's just such a beautiful way to go out yeah I have a list of planners but I was like I'm like I would like and then drew goes so what you're saying is that there are women you won't have sex with you no way you ever hang out with Drew and he really takes the fun out of some bad he's like you telling me one of sex with women and I go no I'm just saying if I had a month to live and he goes yeah but you may have a lot of month to live like why wouldn't you just do it and I go cuz I'm not gonna cheat on my wife and he goes but if you're a month Libby brother [ __ ] other women and spend time with your wife I'm like why can't you just play around like yeah Jesus Christ take the doctor down some time to just be Drew and you know but there's there are definitely porn stars that I that I look at and I go man I don't know like if you know how porn stars have thing with like turning a corner on you yeah and and all of a sudden you're like whoa what the [ __ ] you have you done like because it's their job to be sexual yes there are porn stars where I'd be like I'd be like I don't know if I can say no I I would say no but man give him favorite like a top two or three yeah who are they uh there's one girl that I was like I was so I was so in love with not in love with that but like but like I just dug her followed her Instagram or her snapchat or something I was named come on I don't remember her name I mean that's serious describe I tell you what him she's a DJ she makes jewelry she's got blonde hair she's got small tits and a big Bush anybody oh yeah yeah type that in DJ jewelry porn stars small tits by the way what if it comes up Andrews holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] is Jesse Andrews okay holy [ __ ] all right yo type in DJ pores are jewelry sports it shut the [ __ ] up oh my god that is let's try this one I'm gonna describe a pornstar type it in C really into her dude I I ended up I ended up being a fan of hers which one is she she's good of her [ __ ] page go to her page go to her Instagram page yes type in Jesse Andrews now oh my god that is exactly who it is that's so [ __ ] funny she's beautiful she's gorgeous this is her here yeah oh that's her that's her yeah and she's a porn star yeah [ __ ] why she was for like a minute and then she started designing jewelry and modeling and be in doing it being a DJ all right but it was like it was you know what it was there's gonna sound really crazy but it's the same way social media allows you to get involved with someone's life I was watching her transition out of porn store into being a DJ and I was rooting for her so in a weird way I was like rooting for her to succeed I still like she post nudes every now and then I'd be like [ __ ] sweet she's got a ray body and she's like totally natural and and it was like I was rooting for her can you pull up like some of her other work yeah pull up some of her porn pretty aggressive [ __ ] this girl get really oh yeah like LeAnn knew LeAnn gives the [ __ ] like she's afraid the SVU unit's gonna come in and check out there's no evidence around everything's [ __ ] tidy okay this girl leaves evidence she's like oh haha yeah good one where her mascara is all over the place a lot of lesbian stuff here a lot Elisabeth I think she's a lesbian now okay that's so funny you typed in small tits DJ this is their one it looks like she's suffering can you go back see go to the far right and she's been over there never see the face bent over looks like she's like that one is that oh yeah that does it looks like she's taking a [ __ ] yeah can you click on the [ __ ] we're not gonna just watch the thumbnail look at the size of that guy's down oh she's happy never mind oh you got to go to her earlier work oh wait that one right there yeah yeah and left left left there she doesn't do a lot of stuff with dudes yeah yeah love hurts is a good scene I'm sure there's my guy The Lost Girl all right what happens there you go yep he's like yeah that's her huh yeah look at that look at that eye contact I know Jesus Christ she looks like I can't believe I'm really shooting this uh yeah yeah she's pretty sexy but she's she look at all natural all natural yeah she's she's represented by there's a guy who represents all these girls yeah um uh what's his name he's like a porn like agent he's like the porn agent they all see the one that's right now there's a guy that has a beard kind of looks like us and every post is him with like ten chicks in the key you know I'm talking about you know what you guys know I'm talking about Josh what is it yeah yeah yeah no he type in Lansky I like her I like I'm a big fan of Christy Mack so is wrong on my tour bus driver Christy Mack we talked about Christy Mack a lot she's super hot she is [ __ ] gorgeous she is gorgeous and her body is like a Raglan sleeve reg yeah like her she's got abs but a big ass and small thighs like I mean Ron and I talked to her she was in Pittsburgh this weekend you got spent a lot of time talking we've talked about her a great deal she was in Pittsburgh and we were going to Pittsburgh she was there the day before and Ron's like yo you know he couldn't you call her Tina Mac is her name is Gregor named Christina oh he knows her yeah hit up Tina tell them we're running through Temple give her a ride back to LA I'll a driver across the country Ron's the best Christy macca cue everyone and then Owen gray Owen Owen gray might be that a guy the yeah he might be the best porn star out there really dude Owen gray is ice I watched a porn I got stuck what the [ __ ] this is on your list dude watch on gray [ __ ] he is impressive like legit first of all you spend half the porn reading his tattoos his tattoos are awesome are they not look at that tattoo and then this guy [ __ ] so impressively and I yeah he's got a hog on him and I had I was talking about him on my podcast and I go yeah he's probably like some little guy was dick only looks big because it's little and then he hit me up privately on on Twitter he goes I'm six-three like oh that's a [ __ ] big look at him [ __ ] yeah it's amazing look at her I think she's really enjoying it she seems like it I spend so much time reading his tattoos yeah really looking at his leg during oh yeah go into black now I see this is this face in with your like pimple popping [ __ ] you're like I love reading the artwork on are you dude I I'm not even watching him [ __ ] I'm looking at his arm tattoo and his new back tattoo shout-out to only his new back this is the new back tattoo I can I'm a fan dude every porn he does and by the way this is anyone look at his dick that isn't that is a six foot three man that's a big dick dude that's hope big dick yeah that doesn't look anything like my dick I'll say that looks nothing like my dick yeah especially how she's gagging halfway down holy [ __ ] you think we'll get what's her name Keira Keira Cole yep I mean that doesn't even look real this she an R&B singer look at his tattoos Jesus man he is totally covered I know right yeah he's like oh he's gonna suffocate around fill up do you think smacking the ass on someone does anything someone yeah down somebody somebody likes it I don't think you really do something for her but you think he's just like he gets do you think anything excites him anymore yeah I mean do you realize you think you realize right now he's like I'm losing my hard-on yeah I don't got to do something look at it's like look at this like look at this like yeah what's that all letters back to let oh that's an angle that is quiet you know he directs these two I think he does yeah he's a pretty impressive guy yeah look at this like I get obsessed with his leg tattoo okay oh thanks what is going on there the alphabet oh yeah yeah that spills into darkness I'm sure there's something esoteric I bet he reads he's the only porn star but that reads hmm I love when you go into porn stars lives and you go I'm always afraid I'm gonna run into a porn star like Christy Mack was just in Bali and I was like what if I ran into Christy Mack in Bali I know for a fact that any time I've recognized a famous person I'm always like hey yeah and then immediately my were like how do you guys know each other I'll be like she's an artist [Laughter] keep going I could watch porn all day long yeah I don't I'm not in love with her tattoo look it's a pretty long [ __ ] scene it feels like this guy really I guess we just been watching it for awhile alright there you go bullseye let's go let's get to the part that Josh doesn't like what's the part goodbye he doesn't like you don't like Jews he likes lesbian porn what do you got eighth grade oh they cut oh because you want to okay yeah I'm sure well he's uh he's really good at his job he's going grayza [ __ ] gay yeah yeah solid man if you think okay ready six but aren't you five get a comedian's you'd like to see [ __ ] just guys just guys can't pick girls obviously we because we don't notice I only know who dancer I mean I told I told Whitney Cummings that she should direct a porn star with Owen gray and her porn or doll and she should direct it I don't think she wants to do that he doesn't and I don't know why because I think I think it would be if she's the director right well she's a director she could direct it beautifully and and do a video where her doll lost her virginity do you think this is it of any interest to Whitney though I don't know can I can I tell you I want to take the idea and I want to make a sex doll of me and have it [ __ ] all the porn stars that I'm attracted to but then do shots where it cuts to my face and I'm like oh yeah and then it cuts to the doll who you calling Whitney yeah call Whitney see if she wants to give out her her oh yeah yeah do you think she'll answer hey yeah her phone shut off or she blocked me she started podcast she was like you wanna be on my podcast I was like of course obviously she's like what day can you do I was like I don't know I could do like November first second she goes I Dave Grohl then I'm like how about you get start a podcast with Dave Grohl you realize we all want Dave Grohl like how the [ __ ] did you get him so quickly I'm even done a podcast yet I bet she's gonna have an incredible list of this can I tell you I bet this podcast changes Whitney's life I bet it turns her into like a I bet she takes the direction Joe went with like supplements and and like the podcast studio and taking it and that came in a compound at bowhunting I bet she takes it to Oprah levels I'm not even [ __ ] joking whitney does nothing half-ass nothing yeah I guarantee you she takes it I guarantee she has a beauty line she has a clothing line within a year over-under within a year yeah I bet she starts her podcaster with advertisers probably true get Dave Grohl on her first [ __ ] episode first way and I don't know if I'm allowed to tell everyone that can you bleep his name out by the way I think she might want to reveal who she has on her podcast can you guys check with witty and so I'm not just blowing her load can you try calling her yeah Jesus Christ what happened nothing I doesn't sound like nothing what's wrong I just I [ __ ] I don't I need to start saying no to people you know I need a new phone number is what I need is I just extend myself way too much to people yeah I ran into some guy knows he was like we show you out I was like yeah I definitely and he was like you wanna play golf I was like sure then he just texted me hey man I got some room at the four seasons why don't get you a room I have no [ __ ] idea now I'm spending the weekend with someone in a [ __ ] room who does this I have no idea and I have such such problems with confrontation that I can't say no I just go sure I guess we'll just stay in a room all right home I think I one time wait wait hold on one second let's call Whitney and then I gotta tell you about the time I drew 8:00 waiting wait not with a guy I drove to Vermont with a guy I drove to Vermont the guy's spent a weekend with her hey why didn't you answer my call Tom with Tom we're doing a podcast yeah hey uh I was talking about your podcast and I mentioned a name you texted me and I'd and we can bleep it out because we haven't aired this yet but I was like how the [ __ ] did she get Dave Grohl will believe it again out again if you don't want anyone to know how the [ __ ] do you get Dave Grohl to start off with Whitney how do you know Dave Grohl he's from DC and I'm from DC we have like a DC connection yeah Jimmy bump is from Florida I don't even [ __ ] hey Whitney Whitney Tom and I are saying over-under a year before you turn this pong podcast into your own Oprah network where you have a clothing line and a beauty line what do you think Oberon's what you do for you know what I kept saying to Whitney I was like you know if this was the 1930s your husband would be so successful wait wait wait Whitney first of all I just called you and I went straight to voicemail so I'm a little hurt but I want to ask you Bert has this idea that I was like I'll just tell you what Bert and you I want you to react just genuinely he wants to know if you have any interest in directing a porn star to [ __ ] the robot doll of you oh no no this is like it's a promo here's a promo for you you you hire this very impressive porn guy okay I can get him for you he say he's tall with me he's tall and he's a really good he's got complete control he's got complete control he'll do whatever you want there you go do you think do you think this is a good promo I do you want to do this [Laughter] it's uh he thinks it's a good idea for you for you to do for you yeah I mean Whitney you turn this into your sex tape you take cutaways of your face oh my god now he's loading he yes yes he is I will say this he is the best at marketing of anybody doing this and it is crazy so now you get to say there's a Whitney sex tape people are like what the [ __ ] and then they go on and there's this porn guy and they're like oh [ __ ] I know that guy and then he's sitting there and he's plugging this [ __ ] doll that looks like you and then it's going like I wish you could perform harder or whatever it says you can use me as a body double there you go then you can have the guy [ __ ] Burt for a while there you go yeah it's a great idea actually oh all right Owen grace yeah [ __ ] impressive no no but I actually we learned something Google porn star birthmark dick you know that we did this and they came up it comes up exactly with who you're talking about that's so crazy this guy tellers all tatted up this guy's got covered in tattoos his calf is black and then it comes out from black into letters that run up his thigh he's got a tree on one arm or the other arms like it's just insane you tap to my tour dates on him so smart Whitney yes the up that is [ __ ] genius oh I might get that tattoo what's the name of your podcast you know the name yet hello you lost her it's a really dramatic pause now you lost her Whitney and you can call me at three two three two oh eight oh eight four four or you can call Tom at eight one eight two seven five five five two six these are just our new numbers that we decided to give out to everybody and it's really crazy is that we do get these tax we do reply to them they are us until we hire assistants to do it for us like Ashton Kutcher who is going to be on the podcast we just talked to him the other day and he's like bro huge fan of yours I don't know this Tom guy but I'm dying to get on the podcast Mila loves your machine videos I was like yeah it's pretty good man yeah are we talking about right before this we talk about right before this you know so I was about to go tell me about the time I was about to tell you about the time I Oh [ __ ] what was I saying right before this where I go let me tell you about the time I dot dot something like about a well and a Jewish girl or something no what was I [ __ ] say I don't know goddamn it I just when were talking - well you talked about you were on the [ __ ] Owen guy oh yeah no I'm off him in that crazy that we just typed in jewelry DJ small tits yeah porn star she came up dead but with the birthmark dick first mark tick ding come on guess there's a lot of birthmark tech porn stars we could think about all the amount of gay porn this shot I bet there's tons of birthmark dicks probably yeah out of it there's a lot of pipe burn marks on dick so it's a birthmark burn marks yeah like from like burning off warts or whatever oh yeah do you think of what percentage do you think No what percentage of ports I mean no I didn't mean to like shame anyone with an STD yeah no I've had an STD though well you have the clap and got it from I've only had I don't have sex with two girls I got it from her touch wet hell Rhea she got from horseback riding it was crazy I think that's a Seinfeld joke I what do you take yourself cuz you're excited I get excited cuz Megan you got complan she was like that's a grand yeah you got like I lost my [ __ ] yeah um I was 22 it was no no it's 20 no 22 is right back when I got back from Russia and so on campus or you know it's on campus I went to the doctor and they were like hey you got I was like no you might want to go so you don't want to test it just trust me when you take pills pills and there's one up yeah Maria - oh no same same oh that is good committee is the clap yeah that is yeah I don't know I actually really don't know what I had to be wait a minute whatever I know I know I know but you know you tell a story and then everything kind of moult folds into like whatever comes out mouths easiest you know what I know somebody who a doctor didn't diagnose them correctly and he he went to the doctor and they were like oh that's nothing he was like oh cuz it's I thought it looked like he was like in the genital area he was like no there's just you have moles man like people have moles and he was like okay and then at a certain point he was like can I get to eat like one or two removed you know and they're like yeah sure got them removed after a while they came back he was like moles don't like usually do that so we went back and the doctor was like that's weird but ya know they're not that like the same doctor was like it's not an s he's real yeah and he went I can't say but then he said say his name won't cut it I know but then he so he finally goes to another doctor this is after like a decade so it's been a long time and another doctor was like you've warts these are general warts white and he's like you have general words it's not that uncommon and he's like these are moles he's like those are moles and I want those freckles on there's one thing this guy's married and his wife is like immune to whatever he has she doesn't know what you should I got the HPV shot and it's just her own I know some people get HPV I think HPV is warts in general if you get warts I think you're prone to genital warts don't know anything I get I get warts if I don't have genital warts by yeah I've got warts my whole life where my fingers and my elbows really my toes had one on my toe huh and I had it when I was a kid I used to love picking out a seed wart oh okay every time you talk I love seed warts yeah let's see if drew Lancer no oh she could we don't need to call Wendy back right so we should call her back but let's see what he says what was I just saying right before the break I was like right before we went to that thing I wanted to tell you such a good story off mic it was like Asians they never shut up and who are you calling true about what just about dick stuff I wonder it's asking what we get more is more comment committee or gonorrhea think gonorrhea is like a tough one to get you're gonna be like trench warfare or something I'm sorry I'm oh no a professional hi I'm sorry I'm not available at this moment if this is an emergency please call 9-1-1 you really want you to read that book oh yeah never read that no no I'm an anomaly bro I'm not I'm not with like the the problem with with a problem with my brain is the thing that I got also is the thing that all addicts have we were like I'm stronger than that I can beat it yeah we're like I definitely am like I'm never gonna [ __ ] quit drinking so I always want to be able to have a drink yeah you told me this so I'm a transition into edible marijuana you know what I want to try what fentanyl dude I we tried those dilaudid pills there's like basically heroin yeah I couldn't even feel it that's a good sign I think I think I can't feel like pain pills like I don't feel pain pills like I don't they don't ya try getting more of them no but I've had a mite they don't get me high really yeah this is cool but emergency xanax in here oh really like if you have a panic attack yeah let's try to get there today dude oh they're on the plane today really yeah I gotta be honest with you find this month as sober as much as I haven't I've been flying every week you look good they're scared it was a rushing guy in front of me they would go 1 2 3 and they go cheese and he go hey like he he'd like pompously imitating him and I was and I went after him and they did it and we were laughing at him but not like mean but like everyone was laughing like no sir sir you just keep her face normal and I speak a little Russian so I was trying to tell him like like to stop and and and he was like huh and he was they were like ID na right of her heist I don't forget how to say it come three but uh but he kept going hey when they click it and so then they go all right now sir you one two three I went hey you look scared I do look scared yeah I look skinny though how long ago is that this was a while ago there's well he's out in preschool you can tell by the exploration I was back from his friends with Billy Crudup oh yeah this expires in two years so this is eight years old probably right Wow for real yeah dude are they saying your windows on these yeah I think so maybe fifteen no not fifty no one's 20 says you're 225 by the way that's back when I never weighed myself so I used to think that 225 was a desirable weight I used to I used to think that like you're like as an adult a good you should want to weigh 225 I was like if I could just get to 220 for my special 215 can I tell you how I thought about so October I was like if I can get to 212 then 205 I can diet myself and get myself sick they're like eat something poisonous I throw myself up to 205 [Laughter] remember the [ __ ] story I wanted to tell you yeah I was so [ __ ] I was right it was a such a good story mmm it was about a girl maybe what were we talking about anyway we called right what we call an ooh why why what are we gonna call her for putting in trouble let's review the BJ let's talk about these scenarios yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no no we're not gonna let her watch it on her own like her like she has to so do you think pushing pushing Leanne's podcast is now over forever right I think they're gonna keep doing it can you financially pull the plug on that I'm [ __ ] done I'm done with my wife talking yeah yeah yeah she's like Bert is kind of the worst she's [ __ ] calling me a misogynist every chance she gets I'm like whoa steer into the [ __ ] skin the [ __ ] he's doing there Tonya Harding yeah and she's always like what a nightmare she's like leave [ __ ] on the ground he comes home he just walks out you know asked how he was doing ask for your help he's just Julie's head the other day she goes I said something about sober sexy she goes you are so much more attentive sober and I said what do you mean she goes well sometimes by the way she said this Tom and I didn't even know this was a thing she does sometimes when you're drunk and we'll kiss like I'll try to lead you and dress of how I want to kiss and you won't listen to me and I'm like what do you mean listen to you she's like you know like when we'll start kissing like I'll be like oh let's kiss like this and you just do it your way and I was like Tom I didn't know she was doing that at all for our whole marriage wait what she would like we would start kissing him and she would want to like lead and kiss a certain way and you would be like and I would read her body and kiss that way huh I've never once in my life read her kiss ever like I've never once have you ever read pushes kiss like where she goes I want to kiss like this and you go I just have one way to kiss it's like wow like tongue in the mouth like [ __ ] listen I'm trying to understand where this like she's saying that like as you're sober we can call her she'll understand by the way she's gonna be in the car with George Jesus Christ yeah hi I love Zoma Tommy we're doing a podcast are you with mom what okay all right I love you I'll see you a little bit okay like I get a straight answer with the kids around yeah um she sounded kind of sad who are long yeah for you know she [ __ ] loves me today I went oh my I did a six mile run and on the run i Brandis I ran to her school 888 calories still got a [ __ ] nine I can't get my heart rate up because my blood pressure medicine oh my heart rate will not get past 135 I cannot get it past one I'm at full [ __ ] scrin on the spin bike I use my rates at 135 that's how that medication works yeah and I think it's so you don't have a stroke I think that's how they do it is they lower your blood pressure in a place where you just [ __ ] your heart doesn't do anything this says your max heart rate 186 that's true yeah here I'll show you my workout today look at this where how do I get done hmm where's my here average heart rate okay 68 is my average heart rate today how do I get to how do I show you my heart rate for the day I don't know your HRV is terrible today everything's terrible I can't pop him goddamnit whoop anyway but uh it's why well my point is not my heart rate my point is I picked up root beers for me in Isla mm-hm after the run and I met her at school with two root beers she was like oh and then I like it my eyelids got my brain sadly and she's like let's not let's not use them yet let's make root beer floats when we get home I was like my head I'm like you have any idea how many calories in a root beer float she's like dad hey group your floats will get special glasses and I'm like oh my god I feel like a junkie talking to another junkie about this wait till we get home to tie off that's funny because she looks like her mom but phonak's likely acts like you hundred percent Georgia acts like my aunt she's very measured Georgia would never have a root beer float no Georgia has never had anything but water in her life I don't understand this Adam had a soda never had juice how is it possible she's had milk maybe how's that possible I don't know she's [ __ ] dead inside she's just like she's [ __ ] doesn't want like will open root beers and she'll just George would be like oh so I'll just have a glass of water he's never tried a coke shouldn't even even put ice in her water she's never had that coke never had a coke never wanted to try a simple one never ever wanted care to she's like it just looks gross alright yeah I mean good for her no it's great it says so she's super healthy she's super healthy she eats like very like rational like she loves she loves apples is that soundly Annie's - oh yeah Leanne will have half a piece of toast one egg one egg who the [ __ ] makes one egg who makes an egg like just in the chance you'd want a little more than one you made two eggs right and then you leave some on the plate and you throw it away who makes one eggs and goes that's it for me I'm good with one egg and a and three strawberries and half a piece of toast how many eggs do you have when you eat four or five yeah probably five five easily like a good cup of milk splashed in there so they're all thick and then cheese and with some bacon or [ __ ] I put something in there and then hot sauce all over it I put it in a burrito if we're gonna be real yeah I'm gonna put it in a burrito I'm a [ __ ] burrito with it who wants just eggs look yeah yeah I love breakfast Oh hands down I get like Christina was like I feel like you could eat this like breakfast every day for everyone I was like yeah I could eat it three times a day my mouth is watering right now yeah watering watering dude my fake like I don't but I could eat think all the time I could eat steak for everything so a meal yeah I love steak I love steak I just got into pork chops lately yeah the ex I started learning how to cook them properly so they're not so good like me be using a meat thermometer yeah that changes everything a meat thermometer I never was a meat thermometer guy do the meat thermometer and you're like oh they're done and you're like in your head you're like they don't seem done but they are uh-huh dude I could eat I could eat corned beef and that corned beef hash yeah three eggs over-easy on top of them we catch up on the side yeah every [ __ ] me you should do it for a week no let's do it for oh I would love that if they came out in the red let's see how sick you feel after a week twenty times this week I bet I wouldn't really I bet I wouldn't my mouths watering right now I love can I tell you I almost bought McDonald's on the way here yeah cuz there's a McDonald's on the ride here do it but I thought maybe I'll just buy like [ __ ] 30 cheeseburgers and go home with them and go who was [ __ ] McDonald's McDonald's cheeseburgers are so good LeeAnn would be so obsessed so mad why would you get 30 cheeseburgers go why the [ __ ] not cuz yeah cuz I'm not gonna have one egg one egg yeah that's more than I'll have like that's LeeAnn anytime you make a bowl of possible well that's too much for me take half of that out you're like huh but she's not hungry ever no she's just good she came up today she goes I lost 5 pounds I said how she goes I don't know I was like I remember we used to go to your house when your girls were young and you would cook you would always make feast dude I make I make it for for a a gang of soldiers like I make food I don't need an Chris to end the same way when it comes to like a grocery run if she's like oh there's people coming over it's like who's coming over like a couple let's say I'll bet great and I'll come back if she's like what are you doing I'm like well I got 12 bottles of wine she's like yes for us oh yeah and then you know if it was like if it was steaks I'd be like I bought eight porterhouses I got a couple ribeye she's like why are you doing this I'm like I just don't want to come out short like I don't want to be like oh I don't have enough for you what I do is I get those big Spencer steaks the big like 2-inch thick ones I get three of those and then I get Chilean seabass like two big ones and I basically sear up the stuff Spencer's cooked a Chilean sea bass and then I slice the Spencer's yeah medium-rare fan them out and then you got sea bass and steak and everyone takes food home I dude there's I don't understand people who just by chance the right amount or someone who orders a pizza and goes well we got where we got five people will just get one pizza you go home so you get five pizzas there with five people get everyone asking everyone what they want yeah we'll all get one pizza yeah who the [ __ ] wants who doesn't want leftover because there's nothing worse by the way then like are we eating and let's say it's pizza and you go like to get another slice and they're like we're out of pizza you're like Jesus Christ so yeah everyone here gets a slice in it everyone's getting a slice of pizza dude we went to this burger place and put in Buffalo and everyone orders a burger and I just looked at everyone it was like a gourmet burger place yeah go okay for the record I'm ordering three burgers and they're like for what like oh I'm gonna cut the corner out of each and try yeah and then you guys can all try them and everyone's like oh I wouldn't mind that you're like yeah that's how you should eat everyone get a little bit yeah go Crew skis on it I agree it's the end of the month November's here we're both shooting specials in November now it's the end of October I should say here's what's coming up for me I will be in Kingston New York November 6 Late Show has some tickets at the Beacon Theater November 7th in New York Late Show at the parks casino in Bensalem has some tickets November 8th November 10th I'm in Syracuse then let's see a few tickets might be available still the 13th in Charlotte and then I'm shooting in Austin thanks everybody coming to the shows in Austin Texas at the ACI Austin City Limits the Moody Theater whoa yeah I'm excited man holy [ __ ] and then in November late November I have Melbourne and Miami and then December late show and Columbus has a few tickets left and I'm in Windsor Ontario also go to Tom Segura DICOM slash tour for all the tickets thanks to everybody in Australia for selling out the tour their tickets available still in Auckland New Zealand and we're used to even cancel that yet I have not known I do that the last minute but huh you do it like a couple nights before oh cool yeah uh were you gonna be buddy body shots world tour Cincinnati Ohio November 7th Columbus on the 8th two shows both of those two shows in Chicago at the Chicago theater Fort Wayne Indiana Fresno hey were you just in Columbus yeah it was no no no I wasn't I wasn't no friends no Reno Las Vegas Salt Lake City Cleveland I am guessing I've added two shows on Sunday in Cleveland I haven't been when we shot this I hadn't greenlit it but I think I've already greenlit it so we've added two shows on Sunday and by the way if we have it well that was awkward and I've added one-nighters every night those will be on my Instagram and on my are you gonna do him community i'm i think dayton i'm doing one i don't want it in Indianapolis at crackers or one mortgage maybe just plug both clubs plug rival clubs yeah one of the two keys I'm playing ball so I'm doing one letters all through November at clubs so come see me I'm working on this hour and then we've added those shows November 24th in Cleveland and now it's confirmed the Agora it's confirmed it's confirmed two shows Sunday night get your tickets body shots world tour and then and then we reordered by the way I think four times the thick boy nation hoodies so thanks to thick boy nation we got the official two bears shirt we got two bears one hat one cave hats yup and thank you everybody for for getting that stuff and for watching here and for downloading listening subscribing rating make sure you use our cell phones to call us - three - three - oh eight oh eight four four Tom's is eight one eight five eight one eight two five snow god it's eight one eight two seven five five five two six damn it on bottom dick alright thank you guys thanks Bert love you love you too brother [Music] stories and Bert's not machine there's not a chance in hell today okay bleep here's what we call scripts a beta boos amateur for Tala ji dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 816,098

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: ehehWTJDNFk

Length: 60min 45sec (3645 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 28 2019