Enneagram: Move To Your Less Dominant Wing

hey what's up guys thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu i want to welcome you to my channel this is a channel where we talk about all kinds of things related to the enneagram and how to be a healthier you to be a more present you more present to life if you're new to the channel thank you for subscribing and in the description below is a link to my website i do offer coaching appointments if you have questions about the enneagram maybe you're trying to figure out what your type is or how you can move toward a more healthy place in life or maybe you know working on your relationships maybe you're in the middle of relationship struggles and you just got questions just check out the website and also want to thank my patrons for your continued support i really appreciate your help in keeping this channel going alright so today i want to talk to you about something that's really simple excuse me really simple but can have a profound effect on on your development as a person once you find your enneagram type and you know you know what your type is it's kind of like you found your place on the map you know those giant maps and theme parks that have that little red dot that says you are here or in the mall that says you are here and if you don't know your type if you're not sure of your type um and you're looking at the enneagram you will find it of value you will read through it you'll be like yeah okay that sounds like aunt myrtle and that sounds like uncle billy but until you know your type for sure it will just be kind of a helpful tool that is interesting whimsical um helpful but not transformative it's when you understand your type and you get that nailed down for sure and you say okay i've got it figured out i am a four wing three or i'm an eight wing nine or whatever your type is that's when it gets productive that's when the enneagram can be really transformative as you begin your journey now now that you know where you are on the map and you've located yourself now the real journey begins okay and some people may ask okay all right so i've figured out what my type is i know i'm a three wing two now what now what do i do okay i read the descriptions i ordered a book on amazon i read through it it makes a lot of sense i see you know some areas of my life that maybe i haven't understood before why i'm compelled to do what i do i see some of my weaknesses but what am i supposed to do about it all right one of the first things that you can do that really doesn't get mentioned much in the literature that i think is one of the most helpful practical steps you can take once you understand your type and you understand how to observe your weaknesses and and let's assume that you've got all of that and you understand what your dominant wing is one of the most helpful steps you can take is to intentionally learn about and then take steps toward moving toward your less dominant wing think of it like this i like to think of the wings more as pontoons on a boat okay so your dominant type the type that you are is your boat and okay you get in your boat and you want to get to the other side the other side is your number of health that's where you're headed you're headed to to uh to that place of health that place of of integration okay so you're you're in your boat but your boat is not big enough your type is not big enough to make it through life you need two pontoons on that boat to balance you out to steady you out on this water it's troubled water we live in okay i've never done a video on my theology of the enneagram i probably should do that essentially let me just say that i don't think adam and eve were an enneagram type i don't think that jesus was an enneagram type i think that they were perfect humans but we're not perfect anymore we don't live in the garden of eden uh adam and eve were cast out of the garden and so now we live in this world that is stained by sin we live in this world where there are things to be angry about the world isn't as it was designed to be it's broken it's fallen whatever you want to say it's not perfect so there's a lot of things to be angry about so we have anger types remember adam and eve when they were cast out of the garden they felt shame so there are shame types and there's a lot to be afraid of in this world we don't live in the garden we live in the wilderness so there are fear types so now we have humans responding to a broken world broken people fallen people in a fallen world in a broken world and so these nine different patterns these nine different roads these nine different approaches um exist i think as self-protective ways for us to make it through this broken world broken people in a broken world so we get in our boat you know i don't know nobody knows how we end up the type that we end up whether it's from birth or whether it's from some you know traumatic experience along the way when we are when we are children i've never read anything that's convinced me one way or the other and i don't know that we need to be convinced one way or the other we are what we are so we find ourselves in this boat the seven boat the sixth boat the five boat and none of them are adequate enough in their own right to make it through this world they're too small they're not big enough um there's too many challenges that we're going to go through in life for one self-protective pattern to be big enough to help us make it through this world so we have two pontoons on either side of this boat that are there to balance us that are there to to harmonize us so that we can then go in a straight line and the straight line is toward our number of integration all right so all around the enneagram i think you can see this all around the enneagram i can make the case that you need to consider moving toward your less dominant wing it will immediately balance you out and help you with some answers to some of your life's troubles and challenges that you've been facing along the way um it will immediately have some practical answers and some steps for you to have a more fulfilled more blessed more more um um healthy life okay so let's look let's let me give you some examples of what i mean um one of the common types that i work with a lot is nine wing one nine wing ones are very gentle humble people that don't want problems don't want to cause problems and they don't want to have problems in their own life and so they lean heavy on that one wing of do the right thing be a good person don't cause problems clean up your mess don't be offensive to people so they've got that dominant one wing well what would balance them okay just think about it what would balance them out is if they made an effort to move toward learn about and move toward that eight wing because that eight wing is there to say things like look this is my life i'm gonna control my own environment thank you for your opinion but i'm gonna do what i feel is right for me no i'm sorry i'm not going to give up my saturday to help you move boxes no i'm sorry i'm not going to be able to deliver all of your responsibilities and take care of that for you you have to do your job and i'll do mine so a nine wing one is immediately benefited when they start to move toward uh those things that we would consider eight and then integrate those more into their personality in other words you have a direction now to move toward to balance yourself out let's just go on around the line okay so what about a uh an eight suppose you have an eight um wing wing nine okay so there's an eight that is a dominant strong um powerful person who then has that nine voice that says you know why don't you just uh calm down maybe you don't need to fight every fight maybe you don't need to get in every battle that nine can temper that eight and basically say to them why don't you chill out why don't you just why don't you just relax okay maybe you don't need to to go after everybody you think has has created some kind of injustice and think about the other wing for an eight it's a seven that basically says man can't you see the positive side of things why don't you lighten up why don't you why don't you look at the glasses half full um why don't you reframe some of these negative stories that you focus on what to be against why don't you reframe some things and think about what you can be for maybe things are going to work out great maybe it's not going to be as bad as you think it is think about that in eight such a dominant boat such a powerful boat got two pontoons one is saying chill out man just calm down and the other one's saying lighten up lighten up can that balance an eight absolutely all right let's talk about the seven so the seven one doesn't want to grow up the seven's chasing after what they think will satisfy them the ch the seven is uh believing that there is better than here and so i need to reach out for that which can satisfy me and that and sometimes sevens you know can can not really want to cause problems because they don't want any problems for themselves because they want their freedom they don't want authorities restricting them in any way so seven sometimes can be kind of childish and what is the eight the eight is the person that had to grow up too early so the eight immediately says to the seven look man grow up grow up you know life is not a carnival you gotta take responsibility for for yourself and for your home and for your life and sometimes you have to look people in the eyes and you have to give them bad news and you don't want to do that as a seven you want everything to be positive you want everything to be happy you want everything to be light and surface and the eight tells you look there are sometimes bad people out there that want to take advantage of you and you better be ready for a fight sometimes you better be ready to stand up to those people that might want to abuse and take advantage and that can be hard for sevens who want everything to be fun and lighthearted and energetic and the other wing for a seven is a six which says slow down man use some caution everything you spend you gotta pay back so make sure you're not uh just fleeing and run away from all of your responsibilities make sure that you are there to to uh to be loyal to the to the your connections to the people that matter in your life the people that you're supposed to be taking care of um why don't you think through some of these big dreams that you have as a seven you got all this uh ideas of what could be but you know none of that's going to happen until you get out of pen and paper and you start planning you start you start writing down a plan and make sure you don't disconnect from people and make sure you're loyal and make sure you think things through and make sure you use caution and put some brakes on some of this drive drive drive because everything you do you got to be responsible for and people will turn against you if you're not loyal to them and you're not supportive of them okay can you see how both wings could balance out that seven let's talk about the six all right so the six is nervous fearful anxious wants to stay connected wants to follow the rules wants to be on the right team wants safety wants security okay and look at what the seven does for the six the seven says to him dude man lighten up maybe you can focus on the positive maybe maybe everything's gonna turn out great maybe you should get out on the stage and maybe you shouldn't worry so much about looking like a fool maybe maybe maybe you need to get out there and let people see what you know and don't be afraid of every once in a while you get a pie in the face that's okay sevens don't care about getting a pie in the face if it will raise the energy and six is you know you could benefit from that glasses half full aspect of the seven that maybe everything's going to be great maybe everything's going to work out awesome maybe people are going to love you maybe people are going to love what you're doing and don't be afraid to share your information that you've been gathering then think what a five does for a six okay the five says look you've gotten really anxious and really nervous and really scared about a lot of things that are spinning around in your head what's the actual data why don't you look at the actual data not don't don't focus on how the data is spinning around in your head of what it could mean of what what what it could imply of everything that might go wrong and what if and what if and what if why don't you just get your head above the water and look at what is look at look at the way things actually are not what you think they might turn into but the way things actually are and often when a six does that when they actually just look at the data they can sometimes go wow you know actually everything looks okay maybe there isn't a problem maybe maybe the problem is in my thinking and not in the actual world and maybe i'll be okay when i look at the actual data i realize that things aren't necessarily as bad as as maybe i've turned them over in my head to be and so maybe i can have some peace okay so let's take the five the five is an investigator the five wants to make sure that they are safe by knowing enough and and being secure in their information they want to protect their boundaries they want people to not intrude on them they want to learn understand and then retain and they want to limit their needs and they don't want to have to be a needy person so they feel secure when they have enough information when they're on the inside track when everybody stays in their lanes and respects the boundaries and the fives are kind of over focused on the data and over focused on the on the information and sometimes can be a little emotionally detached so the six wing what does it do for the five it says hey great you got all the research great you got all the data you've got all the facts but you know why don't you go find out what real people think why don't you go ask some real people why don't you see how this could apply in real life it's one thing to have the data information it's one thing to have it all sorted out in facts and details and have all the stats and all the statistics it's another thing to talk about what will actually work in real life what will apply to real life why don't you go ask grandma's wisdom okay go ask grandma what she thinks you ought to do go ask your family go ask some friends go get don't go interview the man on the street and find out what the common sense of the six you know who's concerned about what do they think and what do they think and what do they think before i make a decision what do you think what do you think so the five would benefit if they went out and said okay i've got all the data i've got all the information on paper but i need to talk to a few people i need to see how this applies to real life i need to make a plan with this information i need to prepare and uh and organize this information and that's what a six does they plan they organize and so i need to see how this information could develop into a plan and into a strategy and then think about what the four does for the five the four says great you have all the data you have all the facts that's wonderful why don't you lean my way and ask yourself but what is valuable to you what's authentic to you what matters to you i can see that you look down at your list and you see toyotas and honda's had the highest consumer reports they're the ones that you know but then the four is saying but what do you want what's true to you what's what's meaningful to you not just what does the data say but what what what speaks to you you know what what is important to you get in touch with yourself your emotions your feelings your center your core don't forget don't leave yourself out of that discussion don't just state information and state objective facts but you know everything is colored by that subjective aspect as well and going in inward and understanding how you feel about things is also real information it may not be the same thing as objective information but it's subjective information and it could help you it could help you understand what you should do in any given situation when you get away from the facts a little bit away from grandma's wisdom away from the paper facts and then just ask yourself you know if i go out and walk through the park and i think about this what rings true to me what how do i feel about this you know even though maybe i can't prove it with statistics maybe i can't prove it with with documents and and uh with with stated objective facts but maybe maybe things are real even if i can't necessarily observe them in the typical empirical way with my eyes and with my maybe there's some things i learned with my heart okay so let's take the four okay the four is sometimes a very um tumultuous person who's feeling a lot of things they sometimes feel like you know they're starting from down here and everybody else is up here and they get the short end of the stick and they are misunderstood and they want to belong but they don't want to give up who they are they don't want to give up their identity in order to belong and so sometimes they struggle with that feeling of not measuring up and striving to measure up and feeling like they got the short end of the stick and kind of wearing the shame of all of us you know they just feel like they got this necklace of shame around them that says i'll i'll be the broken person on the enneagram and and i'll do my best to try to keep things together and uh they feel sometimes like you know like they they got a difficult task ahead of them to try to live with all that with all that challenge all right so what does a five do a five says why don't you get out of how you feel about everything and actually look at the information again like it does for the six the five says beckons to the four and says look i know how you feel i know that you feel a lot i know that you feel this deeply but why don't you focus on the actual data and not just how you feel about the data let me give an example what if somebody walks up to a four and says hey you did a great job on your presentation last week i was really impressed with how well you did keep up the good work the four has a wide open door to hear everything negative and almost can't hear anything positive about themselves anything positive they hear they brush it off and they minimize it and so the four in that moment is likely to walk away and think to themselves what do you mean i did great this time what about all the other times are you saying that i didn't do well in the past that i only did good this time and so the four can think in that way and can kind of spiral down into that kind of negative way of thinking of taking in all the bad and and brushing away all the positive people sometimes feel like they have to walk on eggshells around before because of that because they say something nice to them and the four gets offended by it so the five would say to you hey four quit thinking so much about how you feel about what was said and focus on what was actually said what did they say to you they said you did a good job so maybe that's what they meant maybe they meant what they said maybe the the information that you heard is the accurate information not the information you felt so come back to the actual data that was in front of you and focus on the actual words focus on what was said focus on the way things are objectively not how you have subjectively uh interpreted those words and then the other wing is a three i did a whole video on the four and three the m m right so four can feel dark broken bitter uh misunderstood and the three what is shiny polished and and out there in the public spotlight and working on them best the best self and working on the persona and working on the the image and that three can pull the four wing five kind of out of the basement of all these heavy weighty concepts these heavy weighty thoughts to bring you out into the showroom where you can where you can present your depth your richness into the world where you are more friendly where you are outgoing where you are more polished where you where you um where you interact with with people and shake hands and are pleasant and are charming and and uh try to be more presentable to people and win people over so that you can share with them the deep things that you have learned and discovered as a for so the three will help you get up out of yourself and back out into the world so that you can showcase the richness and the beauty that you that you possess inside okay so what about let's go to a three the three you know can be that deceitful person that deceives themselves into believing that all their awards and all their attainments and all their uh striving has brought them value that they didn't have value before but now they do because of all that they've attained and so they work on polishing up the exterior on promoting themselves they work on uh you're putting their best foot forward they're drawn to the ideal standards they want to be the ideal standard of whatever it is people value and so the three focuses on winning focuses on achieving focuses on attaining focuses on whatever they have to think whatever they think they have to do in order to present themselves to the world as someone of importance and someone of value and some they're over focused on the shell they're over focused on the way they appear they're over focused on on the way people perceive them they don't want to look foolish they don't want to look uh ignorant they want to look presentable they want to look ideal what does the four say to the three great you've accomplished a lot that's wonderful look at how much you've done but does any of it really matter to you is any of it of any real importance to you or is it all just titles that you've attained so you made it to uh you know supervisor or or plant manager for pepsi that's great look at you you're making a ton of money you're killing it you're very successful here's the big question do you care about pepsi do you even drink pepsi do you care about the products that you're promoting or are you just an image to sell stuff what's true to you what matters to you what's important to you there's a whole depth of richness that's this in the center of you that you've got to develop don't just develop the outside you need to develop the inside don't be a chocolate easter bunny okay which sometimes threes can be smiling on the outside looking shiny looking sweet but then when you crack them open what they're hollow on the inside the four says develop the inside develop the inside what matters to you what's important to you what's real to you what what what what do you care about not just winning but why do you want to win you get to the top of this ladder is it on the right wall you need to make sure that you're on the right wall that you don't just get so focused on on setting goals and attaining goals that you that you that you forget to do something important with your life and then the two wing what does it say to the three man care about somebody else get your focus off of yourself and turn your focus on other people care about other people don't just don't just get this position so that you can look better or so that you can get that better car so that you can get that raise make sure that you're using your talents your abilities and everything you're acquiring use it for the betterment of others focus on focus the spotlight on other people and and influence them and use your talent your super power of accomplishing things for the benefit of others get the focus of the attention off of yourself solely and put it on to others and put the spotlight on them and what can you do to impact their lives and make their lives better beautiful stuff okay what about the two the two can sometimes you know what they have this sort of strategy that if people need me then they'll love me if i can get people to need me if people see my value and my worth by all that i do for them and how friendly i am and how much how connected i am to them then i will feel valuable and i will feel like i have worth so i'm not like everybody else i'm kind i'm sweet i'm generous i'm hospitable and i'm loving and the three says to them what okay maybe you need to get the spotlight off of everybody else for a little bit and turn it around on yourself and what can you do to improve you don't let yourself go in your attempt to take care of everybody else's needs you need to work on yourself too life is not just about focusing on everybody else and what they need and how you can be there for them and how you can take care of them and help them and do for them you also need to turn the attention back to yourself and work on self it's not it's not wrong for you to to take a class to better yourself it's not wrong for you to pursue an interest that you have that you enjoy that's just because you enjoy it don't don't neglect yourself at the expense of taking care of everybody else do you know any twos that need to hear a message like that the three is ready to tell you that and then look at the other side the one the one wants to tell the three to tell the two i'm sorry i don't know if i said three and two right there but can you imagine twos that need to hear that message from the three yes the three is ready to say that listen to what the one wants to say to the two wing three says great you're very helpful you're very charming you're very uh you're you're very kind you're very friendly you're very outgoing but you know that's not always the right thing to do you know sometimes people need consequences for their behavior and they don't need you to rush in to mop up all their mess sometimes people need to live with the consequences of what they did they'll never change if life's not painful for them and you're rushing in and helping them isn't necessarily helping them so why don't you do the right thing and not just the nice thing maybe you need to sometimes think is this nice thing the right thing you know picking up the homeless guy and driving him across town is a nice thing to do is it the right thing to do that's a different question you know maybe you're endangering yourself or endangering your family by doing stuff like that i understand you want to help i know you want to take care of people i know that you want to be a nice person but sometimes you need to focus on what's the right thing because nice isn't always what's right sometimes people sometimes evil people you shouldn't be nice to i'm not saying homeless people are evil but okay but there are evil people out there that will use and take advantage and brutalize you don't be nice to those people um you need to do the right thing and have boundaries you know any twos that need boundaries hello okay so some do all right um and then when the two gets upset you know they don't want to talk it out and so maybe they'll they'll be quiet and they'll be passive and they they don't want to be displeasing to anybody and the one says speak up for yourself man you got a problem say something if you got that's the right thing to do that you ought to speak up you ought to take care of and handle your problems so the one can really balance out that too who wants to be nice who wants to be kind says wait a minute sometimes you need that police officer mindset or just do the right thing and people need to pay the consequences for what they did and and cleaning up junior's room for him because you're a nice dad or because you're a nice mom isn't necessarily helping him maybe giving him consequences man that's one language isn't it give people consequences for their let them let them experience the whatever man so he reaps so let him experience his consequences and that might be the most helpful thing you can do is just back up and and the most help you can give is let them experience what happens when they don't take care of their responsibilities okay so what about the one all right so the one you know is very much should and odd and do the right thing i want to go to bed at night and be a good person i want to go to bed at night and i've done the right thing i want to feel good about myself that i'm a responsible dutiful citizen and i'm not a problem to people but i make sure people are held accountable and i make sure i hold myself accountable and you know the speaking style of the one is preaching and so they proclaim to everybody what this is what you ought to do and this is what you should do and what's wrong with the world today is that they don't do it like this and okay so look at that the two on the one hand says to them why can't you just be nice okay you know sometimes in your rightness you can be wrong sometimes being right and doing the right thing and being focused on making sure that you don't compromise your principles isn't loving you know maybe maybe you got a dad who's very angry with his daughter because his daughter's made a mess of her life and so he's got his arms folded and she's not welcome back in this house and she's dead to me and she's and she won't follow the rules of the house and she does okay that's very one stuff right and the two is next to you saying have some compassion man this is your daughter have some compassion look this world is broken and hurting they're not always going to follow the rules they're not always going to do what's right and you don't always follow the rules you don't always do what right you pick and choose parts of your life that that you present as though you follow all the rules but there's other parts of your life where you got some messes that you don't want anybody to know about hello why do i know that because you're human and all of us have fallen short missed the mark so we've all got room to grow but look at you standing there tall and straight and strong like you don't ever do anything wrong and the two is saying to you have some compassion man people are messed up yeah but so are you so is everybody so you got gotta love people you gotta love people as they are broken as they are you gotta start with people where they are and being angry that people don't measure up isn't always the best way to deal with people sometimes you gotta just love people in spite of all their brokenness and if you really wanna if you really want to be a good person then be a loving person have some grace on people um speak the truth in love all right come with grace and truth grace and truth you got to have that grace of the two that kindness of the two the compassion of the two that wants to help people more than wants to be right all the time and the other wing on the one is what a nine which says man can't you just calm down why do you maybe nobody wants to hear your sermon today maybe nobody wants to hear all of you all you owner of the truth maybe nobody wants to hear your message today maybe the best thing you could do is be quiet maybe maybe the best thing you could do is not say anything maybe all these problems in the world might solve themselves without your input maybe you could get somebody else's perspective nines or masters at understanding people's perspective maybe you could look at somebody else's perspective put yourself in their shoes rather than think that everybody needs to conform to your standards maybe you could try to see the world from their point of view maybe nobody wants maybe maybe the best way to deal with this problem is to not deal with the problem maybe just let it go maybe don't have get the last word maybe don't enforce all your rules maybe you could just chill out maybe you just calm down and relax a little bit same thing it says to the eight right and that nine needs both sides they need that one to say if you're a nine wing eight you need the one to say to you get a list set some goals set some priorities and and get the big things first nail those knock those out first and then do the lesser things what do nines want to do they want to avoid the big things by doing all kinds of lesser things and the one says no no no no we're going to cut the grass first we're going to eat our vegetables first we're going to clean our room first and then we have free time then we can have dessert so the one wants to structure and organize that nine and say don't don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today get it done today get a plan get focused we got a nine wing eight you know that's sitting back and and waiting for uh you know a sign from god as to when they should when they should move to action and lean on the one the ones telling you get to action right now get a to-do list make your bed write down the goals and put them in prior prioritize them and move them up and check them off one after another as you accomplish those goals do that and you'll have real peace in your life you want peace you want comfort you want tranquility get your goals done get your work done and then lean on the eight to tell people get out of my space i can't pursue your life and my life i've gotta take some ownership of my yard take some ownership of my life so hopefully you can see wow today i don't know where all the fire came from i like it i'm a seven i like all the intensity and the energy i don't know where all the fire came today i haven't done a video in about i don't know a week or two so maybe that's what it is maybe it's all stored up in there and ready to come out but anyway so hopefully you can see that just moving to your less dominant wing is a great place to start after you've learned about your type and you've learned about your dominant wing then it's really helpful to learn about your less dominant wing and put both pontoons in the water and balance out what happens when you only have one pontoon in the water you're gonna you're gonna maybe go in circles okay i'll tell you what else will happen is you it's impossible for you to just live like that with one dominant wing you will slam down on your other wing when life isn't working for you that's what you will do you'll slam down on it okay for example think if you're a nine okay and you you try to be a nine wing one you try to do the right thing try not to be a problem you try to uh keep everybody from from being a problem for anybody and you try to go along with everybody well then eventually people will get in your business and they'll start pushing on you and you'll try not to make a big deal about it but then eventually you'll get enough of it and you will slam down on the eight and you'll lose it and you'll say oh my goodness will you leave me alone i can't take it anymore i gotta get out of here it's like okay see how you slam down on that wing what if you just intentionally gradually moved out there and tried to develop that tried to learn more about that less dominant wing and try to incorporate there you go incorporate more of that into your personality be mindful of what it would look like to incorporate more of that less dominant wing into your way of thinking and chances are it'll have a lot of answers for you about what what's the next step for you in life all right thank you guys appreciate it appreciate your support as always be present to life i'll see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 4,296

Rating: 4.9402986 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram wings, personalities, family, relationships, marriage, parenting, self-help, growth, love

Id: C3rCXK5rDgk

Length: 33min 44sec (2024 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 10 2020