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>>> GOOD EVENING. FROM HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY, I'M
LESTER HOLT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
A QUICK REMINDER FOR OUR AUDIENCE, THERE IS NO CHEERING,
NO CLAPPING, AND TO THE TRUMP SUPPORTERS, NO SHIRT NO SHOES,
NO SERVICE. NOW LET'S BRING OUT THE
CANDIDATES. FIRST SHE'S BEEN BATTLING
PNEUMONIA AND WE HOPE SHE'S FEELING BETTER TONIGHT.
IT'S SECRETARY HILLARY CLINTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M BETTER THAN EVER, LET'S DO THIS!
>> AND FINALLY, HE'S THE MAN TO BLAME FOR THE BOTTOM HALF OF ALL
HIS KIDS' FACES. IT'S REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD
TRUMP! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, AMERICA. I AM GOING TO BE SO GOOD
TONIGHT. I AM GOING TO BE SO CALM AND SO
PRESIDENTIAL THAT ALL OF YOU WATCHING ARE GOING TO CREAM YOUR
JEANS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, LET'S BEGIN WITH YOU.
WHY ARE YOU A BETTER CHOICE THAN YOUR OPPONENT TO CREATE JOBS AND
PUT MONEY INTO THE POCKETS OF AMERICAN WORKERS?
>> WELL, LESTER, MY OPPONENT'S TAX PLAN BENEFITS THE TOP 1% SO
MUCH, IT'S NOT JUST TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS, IT'S -- I DON'T KNOW,
I GUESS IF I HAD TO CALL IT SOMETHING OFF THE TOP OF THE OLD
DOME, WITH NO PREP WHATSOEVER, I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS I'D CALL IT
TRUMPED-UP, TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS.
>> THAT'S VERY CATCHY, SECRETARY.
YOU JUST CAME UP WITH THAT JUST NOW?
>> I DID, RIGHT OFF THE STIFF RED CUFF.
>> SAY, JAZZMAN. I'VE GOT A VERY PRESIDENTIAL
ANSWER FOR THIS. OUR JOBS ARE FLEEING THIS
COUNTRY. THEY'RE GOING TO MEXICO, THEY'RE
GOING TO JI-NA. I'D STOP THAT.
IF HILLARY KNEW HOW SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY, END OF
STORY. I WON THE DEBATE, I STAYED CALM
JUST LIKE I PROMISED, AND IT IS OVER.
GOOD NIGHT, HOFSTRA. >> DONALD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] DONALD, THERE'S STILL 88 MINUTES
LEFT. IT'S A 90-MINUTE DEBATE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MY MICROPHONE IS BROKEN.
SHE BROKE IT. WITH OBAMA.
SHE AND OBAMA STOLE MY MICROPHONE.
THEY TOOK MY MICROPHONE TO KENYA AND THEY BROKE IT AND NOW IT'S
BROKEN. DO YOU HEAR THAT?
SOMEBODY'S SNIFFING HERE. I THINK IT'S HER SNIFFS.
SHE'S BEEN SNIFFING ALL NIGHT. TESTING, TESTING.
JI-NA, JI-NA. YUGE, JI-NA.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
>> I THINK I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I MEAN, THIS MAN IS CLEARLY UNFIT TO BE COMMANDER IN CHIEF.
>> WRONG. >> HE IS A BULLY.
>> SHUT UP. >> HE STARTED THE BIRTHER
MOVEMENT. >> YOU DID.
>> HE SAID CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX INVENTED BY CHINA.
>> IT'S PRONOUNCED JI-NA. >> HE HASN'T RELEASED HI TAX
RETURNS WHICH MEANS HE'S EITHER NOT THAT RICH.
>> WRONG. >> NOT THAT CHARITABLE.
>> WRONG. >> OR HE'S NOT PAID TAXES IN HIS
LIFE. >> WRONGER.
>> LET'S MOVE ON TO NATIONAL SECURITY.
MR. TRUMP, YOU'VE CRITICIZED SECRETARY CLINTON FOR VOTING FOR
THE IRAQ WAR, BUT YOU YOURSELF SUPPORTED THE WAR --
>> WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. YOU'RE BEING VERY MEAN TO ME
TONIGHT, COLTRANE, VERY MEAN. I WAS AGAINST THE WAR, NAME
ANYONE IN THE WORLD NAMED SEAN HANNITY.
I TOLD SEAN HANNITY, CALL SEAN HANNITY.
>> YOU TOLD SEAN HANNITY ON HIS SHOW AND THERE'S PROOF?
>> I TOLD HIM IN PRIVATE. ME AND SEAN LATE AT NIGHT.
I LEANED OVER AND WHISPERED IN HIS EAR, SEAN, I'M AGAINST THE
WAR IN IRAQ. HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR, I'M
AGAINST THE WAR TOO. NEXT THING I KNEW, WAY KISSING
SEAN HANNITY. >> MOVING RIGHT PAST THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE IRAQ WAR IS ALL ABOUT
JUDGMENT. SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU THINK
YOU HAVE BETTER JUDGMENT THAN MR. TRUMP?
>> HA HA, YES, YES. YES.
OF COURSE I DO. DONALD TRUMP HAS TERRIBLE
JUDGMENT. HE MAKES BAD DECISIONS.
HE SPENDS HIS LIFE CHEATING MIDDLE-CLASS LABORERS.
LABORERS LIKE MY OWN HUMAN FATHER.
WHO MADE -- I GUESS DRAPES OR PRINTED DRAPES OR SOLD DRAPES
OR -- AND HE WAS RELATABLE, AND I AM ALSO RELATABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION.
WHY IS YOUR JUDGMENT BETTER THAN SECRETARY CLINTON'S?
>> BECAUSE IT IS. I HAVE THE BEST JUDGMENT.
AND THE BEST TEMPERAMENT. SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE BAD
TEMPERAMENT. SHE'S ALWAYS SCREAMING.
SHE'S CONSTANTLY LYING. HER HAIR IS CRAZY.
HER HASE IS COMPLETELY ORANGE. EXCEPT AROUND THE EYES WHERE
IT'S WHITE. ONCE SHE STOPS TALKING HER MOUTH
LOOKS LIKE A TINY LITTLE BUTTHOLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES TO RESPOND.
>> OH, THAT'S OKAY. HE CAN HAVE MY TWO MINUTES.
>> OKAY, MR. TRUMP, TWO MORE MINUTES.
>> THE THING ABOUT THE BLACKS. [ LAUGHTER ]
IS THAT THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL THE BLACKS LIVE ON ONE
STREET IN CHICAGO. ALL ON ONE STREET.
IT'S CALLED HELL STREET. AND THEY'RE ON HELL STREET AND
THEY'RE ALL JUST KILLING EACH OTHER.
JUST LIKE I AM KILLING THIS DEBATE.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, DID YOU HAVE A RESPONSE?
>> UM -- [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NOT A -- NOT A RESPONSE, MORE OF
A REQUEST. CAN AMERICA VOTE RIGHT NOW?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, THIS HAS HAS BEEN AN
ILLUMINATING DEBATE. BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR
FINAL -- >> ALICIA MACHADO.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? WHO IS ALICIA MACHADO?
>> THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP, LESTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] SHE IS A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL,
POLITICAL PROP THAT I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION TONIGHT, EVEN
THOUGH WE ALREADY MADE A WEB VIDEO ABOUT HER.
ALICIA MACHADO WAS MISS UNIVERSE IN 1996.
>> WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS? >> AND DONALD TRUMP CALLS HER
MISS PIGGY. >> HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?
>> AND MISS HOUSEKEEPING. >> THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MR. TRUMP, YOUR RESPONSE?
>> LESTER, WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS WOMAN?
WE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THE IMPORTANT ISSUES, LIKE ROSIE
O'DONNELL. AND HOW SHE'S A FAT LOSER.
EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME AND I WANTED TO BRING THAT UP IN A
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE RIGHT AT THE END, MY OWN VOLITION, GOOD IDEA,
I DID IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SECRETARY CLINTON, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
>> I -- I'M SORRY, LESTER. THIS IS GOING SO WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S GOING EXACTLY HOW I'D
ALWAYS DREAMED. >> OKAY.
NOW IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON TO THE CLOSING STATEMENTS.
SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU'RE FIRST. >> LISTEN, AMERICA.
I GET IT. YOU HATE ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU HATE MY VOICE.
AND YOU HATE MY FACE. WELL, HERE'S A TIP.
IF YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE MY FACE AGAIN, ELECT ME PRESIDENT, AND I
SWEAR TO GOD I WILL LOCK MYSELF IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND NOT COME
OUT FOR FOUR YEARS. BUT IF YOU DON'T ELECT ME, I
WILL CONTINUE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I WILL NEVER DIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MR. TRUMP.
FINAL REMARKS. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, LESTER?
I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING EXTREMELY ROUGH TO HILLARY
TONIGHT. BUT I SAID TO MYSELF, I CAN'T DO
IT, I JUST CAN'T DO IT. BUT IF I HAD SAID IT IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN A NUCLEAR BOMB. BECAUSE IN THE '90s, OUR
PRESIDENT WAS A MAN NAMED BILL CLINTON.
NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT THAT MAN IS HER HUSBAND.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN 1998, GET THIS, HE HAD AN
AFFAIR. IT'S TRUE.
MY INVESTIGATORS ARE LOOKING INTO IT RIGHT NOW.
IT WAS A WOMAN, IT WAS A WOMAN NAMED MONICA.
VERY HEAVY. I DON'T HAVE HER LAST NAME YET
BUT WHEN I GET IT, I'M GOING TO SET MY ALARM FOR 3:20 A.M. AND
GO SIT ON MY GOLDEN TOILET BOWL AND TWEET ABOUT IT UNTIL
COMPLETION. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOD. JUST TO REMIND EVERYBODY AT
HOME, THIS WAS A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
ANY FINAL WORDS? >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
