Thank you, everyone. Hello. That was hard hitting journalism you saw in the owl. I didn't know you were going to show me from high school. That's surprising. Yeah, it's not really fair. You can't do it for President Biden because the technology wasn't invented when he was in high school. So really fair. Okay. Good evening, everyone. I'm Colin Jost, and I'll be delivering the Republican response. I'll be honest with you, I don't have a lot of time. I need to get back to New York because I'm juror number five on a big trial. Trump's lawyer took one look at me and he's like, He's got to be on our side. Thank you, Kelly, for that very kind introduction. Mr. President. Dr. Biden, Vice President Harris. Doug. Doug, as you can tell from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman, and I am honored to be here hosting what is, according to swing state polls, the final White House Correspondents Dinner. I hope that tonight will be a night to remember for most of us. I was excited to be up here on stage with President Biden tonight, mostly to see if I could figure out where Obama was pulling the strings from. I have to I have to admit, it's not easy following President Biden. I mean, it's not always easy following what he's saying. Like. But before I begin tonight, can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn't begin with a bailiff saying, all rise? And I would like to point out it's after 10 p.m.. Sleepy Joe is still awake. While Donald Trump has spent the past week falling asleep in court. Every morning, though, Fox News said he was just being anti-EU. Woke. We are all here tonight at Nerd Prom. Well, Matt Gaetz is at regular prom, but I actually thought I saw Matt Gaetz here tonight. But it was actually just my own reflection in a spoon. Like many of you here tonight, I pretend to do news on TV. My Weekend Update co-anchor, Michael Che, was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden, I decided to lose all my black support. Che told me to say that, and I'm just realizing I was set up. I've done Weekend Update for a while now, but most people don't know that I started out doing the actual news. My first job out of college was as a reporter for the Staten Island Advance newspaper. They do not have a table here tonight, but they asked me to pass along this message to the other print journalists in the room. You think you're better than me? By the way, I want to point out, when I worked at the Staten Island advance, we had a daily circulation of 100,000. The Washington Post would kill for that. So as a former aspiring journalist, I want to genuinely congratulate all the award winners here tonight. Congratulations. The Correspondents Association provides scholarships to promising young journalism students who may one day be sent off to cover dangerous geopolitical hotspots like Columbia University. Tonight, this event is being televised live on C-SPAN. You do. And if you're at home watching C-SPAN on a Saturday night, I hope they find your body soon before your cats get to it. There are so many incredible news organizations here tonight. Also, a few credible ones. The Washington Post is here. Washington Post. They were the ones taking your coats at the door. Please be sure to tip. Fox News is here tonight. It's the end of an era. Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News, which is strange. I didn't think there was a step down from Fox News. Trump media is here. Trump media Not at a table just screaming loudly in the corner to no one. Wardle is here tonight. Sorry. Sorry. I meant the New York Times. I forgot they do stuff in addition to puzzles. I have to say, it's not a great sign when the only thing keeping a print media company alive are games people play on their phones. Too chilling for you guys in this room just froze faster than Mitch McConnell. And I have to say apologies to the Times, but as a Staten Islander, I still get all my news from the New York Post. Thank you. The only paper where the front page always has the same 200 point font, whether the headline is World War three to start tomorrow or Central Park Owl Dead in Building Collision. The New York Post is like having the New York Times summarized for you by a crackhead. The Times will say a border deal continues to evade Congress and the Post is like these Mexicans are taking my stuff. There are so many incredible individuals here tonight. Lara Trump is here tonight. Okay, I got one. Woo! She recently released a cover of the song I Won't Back Down. Upon hearing it, Tom Petty died again. I can't believe I'm saying this to a member of the Trump family. But maybe stick to politics. Senator Bernie Sanders is here because he's not the type to pass up a free hot meal. And in general, there are so many hardworking, influential senators and congresspeople here tonight and I just want to say, on behalf of everyone I know, stop emailing us. Stop it. We get it. Democracy is on the line. And your plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like your Crate and Barrel. It's also wonderful to be back in Washington. I love being in Washington. The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House. Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use for his State of the Union. I'm kidding. Of course, the president doesn't call it cocaine. He calls it high speed rail. Oh, that's. By the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? He must be exhausted, orchestrating four separate trials against his rival, rigging the Super Bowl and gearing up to steal a second election. Wow. Biden laughed. I love, by the way, the Trump's two attacks on President Biden are that he's a senile old man and a criminal mastermind. I'm like, I think you got to pick one. Personally, I don't know any criminal masterminds who bike to get ice cream. Also, it's not like Trump himself is young and sharp. I'm not saying both candidates are old, but, you know, Jimmy Carter is out there thinking I could maybe win this thing. He's only 99. There is an election. There is an election six extremely long months from now. So let me see if I can summarize where this race stands at this moment. The Republican candidate for president owes half a billion in fines for bank fraud and is currently spending his days farting himself awake during a porn star hush money trial. And the race is tied. The race is tied. Nothing makes sense anymore. The candidate who is a famous New York City Playboy took abortion rights away and the guy who's trying to give you your abortion rights back is an 80 year old Catholic. How does that make sense? By the way, President Biden, isn't it crazy that he's only our second Catholic president? And what's even crazier is that in just a few short months, we'll have our third in RFK Jr. I'm kidding. Like his vaccine card says he doesn't have a shot. Everything feels strange now by a lot of measures. President biden is having a very successful first term, but people don't seem to realize it. Like with the economy, the vibes are bad, but the numbers say it's strong. The economy is kind of like you on the steps of Air Force One. It feels like it's stumbling, but there is somehow upward progress. I do think that you can do more. On the economy, sir. I really do. For example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by shorting Trump's stock? People keep asking if our lives are better than they were four years ago. Of course they are. Four years ago, we didn't have online sports gambling. What more do you need at? That's probably what's keeping the economy afloat. Online gambling and Taylor Swift. Without those, we'd be in a recession right now. The problem is, people are always going to compare your first term to Obama's. But I think there are actually a lot of positives, similarities. You both made big strides in health care. Obama got us out of a recession. You got us out of a pandemic. Obama got bin Laden. You got O.J. And by the way, now that O.J. is dead. Who is the new frontrunner for Trump's VP? Is it Diddy? Anyway, I bet if Trump did select Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied. I think even some Democrats say that they are underwhelmed, but I think they're just not living in reality. Manage your expectations, people. It's like tonight. Sure. We all wish we were at the Waldorf right now, but we're at the Washington Hilton and we have to make the best of it. Just be happy you're not at the airport. Hilton journalists. These are challenging times and we need the people in this room to help guide us through it. Your jobs are not easy, and it doesn't help that we're living at the end of traditional media. The gatekeepers are gone. Did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively from social media? And that must be true because I saw it in a random guy's TikTok. He was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know his stuff. Isn't it crazy, by the way, that Tik Tok could be outlawed in the U.S. by the end of this year? That's a real shame, because we're going to need Tik Tok to document who is storming the Capitol next January 6th. Things are not bad for everyone, though. This may be the worst time in history to be a print journalist. It is the best time in history to be a courtroom sketch artist. My God, the most famous man on earth is on trial and there is no cameras allowed. Just the artists, their pastels, and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible. Every sketch of Trump looks like the Grinch had sex with The Lorax. In closing. I would really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room. Your words speak truth to power. Your words bring light to the darkness and most importantly, your words. Train the AI programs that will soon replace you. And finally, I wanted to thank my family, and I wanted to thank my friends for being here tonight to support me. I want to thank my wife for enduring lots of jokes and for agreeing to individually meet everyone in this room right after the ceremony. And is. That's really special, honey. Thank you. Don't be shy. Come right up. She hates privacy. And with my with my family in mind, I wanted to share one last thing with you before I go. And I wanted to share one thing with you, Mr. President, before I go. I lost my grandfather this year. As you alluded to, of a firefighter, William Kelly. He's the reason that our son's middle name is William. He helped raise me growing up, and I would not be here today without him. My grandpa was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years to make extra money for his family. He was a substitute teacher and he painted houses and sense of Staten Island. I should point out, it's not like the Scorsese the Irishman painting houses. He was not a mafia hit man. He actually painted houses. The FBI is here. I don't want to start a whole thing. My grandfather was another rare Irishman who didn't drink because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism. And I swear. Mr. President, this is not an age comparison. You remind me of him. Some of your best qualities remind me of his. And I will say he was 95 and he was still great at stairs. I think it's because he didn't try to run up them. But the reason that I bring up my grandfather and I know if, you know, realize, Mr. President, but Staten Island firefighters are not normally your demographic. Staten Island voted about 70% for Trump in the last election, and the other 30% was for Giuliani. But Staten Island also sided with the British during the Revolutionary War. So we're not always on the right side of history. You remember that. But my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter, voted for you. Mr. President. He voted for you in the last election that he ever voted in. I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice in this election using his name. But that's just how the Democratic machine works. He voted for you. And the reason that he voted for you is because you're a decent man. My grandpa voted for decency. And decency is why we're all here tonight. Decency is how we're able to be here tonight. Decency is how we're able to make jokes about each other. And one of us doesn't go to prison After we go to the Newsmax afterparty. And when you look at the levels of freedom throughout history and even around the world today, this is the exception. This freedom is incredibly rare. And the journalists in this room help protect that freedom. And we cannot ever take that for granted. So, Mr. President, I thank you for your decency on behalf of my grandfather. And I thank all of you, almost all of you, for your decency as well. I am very honored and grateful that you invited me here tonight. Thank you and good night.
