- Welcome to the Creator Launchpad. (upbeat music) We wanna see your idea for
a new original show concept, so get together with your
friends and shoot an episode. We'll watch your video, and if we love it, we'll hire you to join our
team and direct more episodes. Click on the link in the description below for more information. - I don't even know what queer means 'cause you have a different definition, I'm sure you have one, and I'm sure you have one, and I'm sure you have one. - It's 2022, baby. You better look up what queer means. It's often used often lot. - So you guys, so hold on. (upbeat music) - [Host] Step forward if
you agree with the prompt: it is important that parents honor their children's boundaries. - I like the phrase
boundaries breed intimacy. If you don't have that mutual
respect for one another how can I be open with you as a child. There's that lack of trust if you're not respecting boundaries. - It's also important 'cause
each kid is different, and I have a brother, and boundaries that work
for me don't work for him. And so my parents parent both of us according to what we need, and that involves having
different boundaries, so. - And like to honor
your child's boundaries does not mean at your boundaries, there's a deficit at my boundaries. Like, my kid is not going
to be cussing me out, telling me what he's not gonna do, it's none of that. I can respect my child, and I have a 14-year-old son, and he respects me, and I've never had any
issues with rebellion or, I guess, disrespect in that way because we communicate
about everything now. - And, you know, there
is a line, of course, that you don't wanna cross, especially when it comes
to the safety of the child. - It is 100% safety, and it just means you respect
their emotions as a human, it doesn't mean you let your
kid do whatever you want. I think that's a common misconception. (wood ticks loudly) - [Host] Can the disagreers step forward? - I would like it if the prompt was worded almost a little bit differently because it puts importance
on my kids' boundaries where I think as a parent,
we set those boundaries. But I like what you said where you said that just
because boundaries are set, doesn't give your child the ability or the reason to cuss you
out because it's like, "Oh, well, I've set these boundaries up, and that's my boundary." - It seems like people are
equating boundary with emotions, and I would not do that. I would say that their emotions are different from the boundaries that we as parents should
be setting for them, because I don't know about you, but when I was a child, I broke every boundary
that my parents set for me, and they were there for specific
reasons, to keep me safe. So if we just allow our
children to have no boundaries or we allow them to set the
standard for the boundaries, I think that they're just not emotionally, to bring that word back, capable of doing that and
keeping themself safe. I think that's our job as parents. - Yeah, I think to, going off of that, that the relationship
you have with a parent is very contingent on the child knowing that the parent has
your best interest at heart. And like you said, there were
many times in my childhood that I wanted to do something and I didn't have the same
boundary that my parents did, maybe I didn't have all the information, I'm glad that they protected me and they had my best interest at heart. And I think that that's important for the parent-child relationship. - [Host] Can I throw in
a follow-up question? Let's redirect and think about
boundaries too as autonomy. - Encompassing what though? - [Host] As an example, a little kid doesn't feel comfortable
hugging a family member, "You must hug them anyway." "That's your uncle, hug them." And they're trying to tell you. - Absolutely not. - I was actually about to talk on that. I think it's less about the child setting the boundary with the parent, I think parents should definitely
like have the final say in terms of those boundaries, but I think it's more about
fostering a conversation with the children that, you are an individual;
you do have autonomy. Just for this phase of your life, I will take the lead, I'm the parent, but instilling in the child
that you are your own person and you're not just an extension of me. - I have a six-year-old, a two-year-old, and 11th-month-old son. So there is no boundaries, because you can't have boundaries if there's no foundation in order. So, for me, what I strive to do is to, with my six-year-old, is just give her lots
of words of affirmation and be the lead in everything we do, she rides horses, we go out
to the ranch, she shoots guns. A lot of the structure and foundation that we're planning is, you know, in the outdoor world, it's not based off social
media, tablets, cell phones, and reality TV shows. But if I'm just saying, "Well, you know, I'm gonna wait until she tells me what her boundaries are or I'm gonna wait and see how she feels." Well, that's not a
parent, that's a friend. - But isn't that what happens? The parents set the precedent. This is the law, this is the rules and
regulations and the foundation, whether it's Christianity, whether it's whatever that
you believe in your household, and then you do have
your autonomy as a child and you do start challenging your parent because your ideas and
their ideas might not align just the same way anymore. - Well, absolutely. - So if your daughter, let's say, said, "You know what, daddy? I don't wanna wear these clothes no more. I don't wanna wear this pink dress, I don't wanna wear these frills, I don't wanna dress like a girl, I wanna cut my hair off." What would you say? - That wouldn't be up to me, that would be up to her mother. - Okay, what would you guys say? I would imagine, together, you guys- - Good answer. (Raw laughs out loud) - Well, you know, in all honesty, I do work, I have a career and stuff, but I'm a stay-at-home
father at the same time, so I'm the one who dresses, I'm the one who does their hair, but at the same time, it would
be up to her mom to decide, "Okay, well, how can we go about this?" And also, if she's having these feelings, we're gonna stop for a second,
not just hop on and say, "Okay, well, she says that she wants to dress like a boy now," or "she says she wants to do this now." Well, let's see where it's coming from, because obviously if she's
not seen it in our home, then she saw it from somewhere. - That's not true. I was five years old when I told my mom, "I do not wanna wear this pink dress." And my parents are pastors, are Christian, and I was adopted in Michigan,
Grand Rapids, Michigan. - I don't think that really have anything to do with it, though.
- I'm just saying, all these things, I was the only black child
in my entire school district, we were in the paper for
bringing multiculturalism to the school district. So I didn't see any tomboys, I didn't see no gay folk, I didn't see nothing. What my point is, I had a call, I guess you would say, a calling
of autonomy for who I am, and I'm unapologetic for it 'cause I always follow
that as a six, seven, eight, nine-year-old. And thankfully, I had two parents that
might not have understood but did fortify me to be myself and never forced me to wear the clothes that I didn't wanna wear. My thing is, absolutely, give a strong
foundation for your children, that's your right, you wouldn't have brought
children in this world to not do that. But you gotta be a listener, if your child is saying
something that kind of is like, "Wait, where is this coming from?" - Oh, absolutely, absolutely. - It might not be coming
from social media or TV, it might be coming from their heart and their authenticity of themself. - Well, absolutely. But that's also our job as
parents to search their heart. Just because a child says- - Is it?
- Absolutely. - To search your child's heart? - Absolutely. - Or to accept your child who they are? - Search your child's heart. I don't think we're
actually in the conversation they'll even be talking about dressing or how your kid feels about
their gender identity- - At six years old your
child can't decide- - We're about boundaries. We're not talking about sexual
orientation with children. - No, we're talking about autonomy, and autonomy-
- Yeah, but you shouldn't accept your child for everything they think.
- Everything they say. - Like, I used to dress up
and like think I was a pirate, but my parents didn't cut
off my arm and attach a hook. Like not everything is- - That's so different. - But what I'm saying is
you don't accept everything simply because they say it like. - Self-mutilation and accepting your daughter
for being gay's a little bit, not apples to apples, my friend. - Verbally of course, but my point is that you don't just blindly
accept for anything, you do accept them for some things, but it's not just blind, they said it, and therefore, we should
accept them for what they said. - It's not even necessarily accepting, it's more of letting them explore; it's more of giving them an
option to find themselves. - I think that's a reckless thing. - I have twins and twin girls, and they're five now. And at two and a half, one of them didn't wanna
wear dresses anymore, she was like adamant about
it at two and a half. And I'm like, whoa, this is powerful. And we went with it: we wanted her to explore that; we wanted to make sure
that she felt comfortable in her own skin on what she was wearing. And I didn't want to put that
on her and make sure that, you know, she has this femininity that maybe she doesn't feel like she has. That's not saying that
she's gay or she's lesbian or anything, she just
doesn't like dresses. - I would agree with you.
- And to this day she's five and she still doesn't wear dresses. - And she might like dresses
in a couple of years. She might change her mind
and actually like dresses, and that's her choice. - I have a question. It's personal to you because, I don't know if I heard it correctly: did you say you were adopted? - I was. - Okay, you had adopted parents. - They're the only parents
I recognize is my parents. But I was adopted, yes. - Do you think that
their willingness to be, let's just use the word
liberal in acceptance and you wanting to do
the things that you do, is because they're your adoptive parents- - Absolutely not.
- And maybe that they felt this obligation that they
wanna be closer to you? - Absolutely not. I'm the only one adopted in my family. And my mom and dad actually do
not believe in my lifestyle, and they're unapologetic for that, and I respect it because everybody has to
believe in what they believe in. So even though they don't
believe that my lifestyle is necessarily of God or of their faith, we can still come to
terms and love each other, and be with each other because I'm not my thoughts and my parents aren't
their thoughts either, we're bigger than that and they have the right to
believe what they believe in. - [Host] On that note, we'll move on to the next prompt. (air quivers) It's best for a child to
have a mother and a father. - I'm gonna sit this one down. - You thought about that one
for a second, I like that. - I did, I had to think
about that for a second. - Well, I mean, I think
it's kind of obvious, right, for a plethora of reasons. But I think the ordered way
is a mother and a father for two different people that have two different
and distinct purposes. We all know mothers are just
inherently better at nurturing, they provide life, they give life. And I think both of
those two distinct roles are absolutely important and
integral to child development, I think. - Yeah, I can speak to my own experience. I had two parents in the home, very loving, and it was really vital
to have a masculine figure and also a feminine figure, I think if you have too much of either that can affect you in
negative ways as a kid. The problem that I have with
the same-sex parenting is that when you have a same-sex
couple that has a child, they're necessarily depriving
that child of a mother and the father, and they're excluding a parent in one of those important
roles from the child. And we have a lot of data on this, social scientists have tons of studies and research about this of decades that non-biological
parents are more transitory than biological parents, that when a child loses a parent that there's a lot of trauma involved. And so I think it's important to realize that sexes are different and children need models
for both of those things. And it isn't to say that
homosexuals can't love and commit, and it's also not to
say that heterosexuals can't be bad parents, I think we know that as well, but it is to say that we
shouldn't set up a system in which children are
intentionally put in homes that are fatherless or motherless, that isn't fair to the child. (air quivers) I feel like same-sex parents
adopting are thrusting the child into their
lifestyle instead of realizing and asking the better question, which is: what is best for that child? And I hear the side that
we will be good parents, but no man can be a mother
and no woman can be a father, and even if you are the best
same-sex couple in the world, you still are necessarily
denying that child, a parent. And I believe that children have rights, and that the most important right is a right to a mother and a father, and they have that right
by virtue of being brought into this world by those two people. (wood ticks loudly) - I also just want to add onto that because like you touching
on the masculinity and the femininity. The thing is you can only display so much masculinity and femininity, thing is like, it doesn't matter if
you're a biological woman and you're trying to exert as
much masculinity as possible. At the end of the day, a child's gonna grow up
in a same-sex household, and they're gonna go to school and then see that other
parents have a father figure, a mother figure, and they're gonna grow up, and just all this stuff about
samesex couples like gender, all this stuff's gonna come
to 'em at a very young age, they're one-dimensional, they're not gonna take it
in the same way that we do. So I just feel like from a very young age, it would confuse the kid. - I was raised by a single mother and so I was raised by all women. So like I was saying before, you know, I do hair, I grew up in salons, I grew up watching my mom
getting her eyebrows waxed. And I was always masculine as a young boy, but the validation and the insecurities just continued to grow as I became older as far as working and being
committed to something, and finishing a task, those were areas that I lacked in. But one area that I knew about and was so familiar about was women, but as far as having a man say, "Hey, this is actually
what the woman is for, she's not to be your plaything, she's actually a valued person
with emotions and standards, and morals, and values, and this is how you should,
you know, treat a woman." So to have a father in my life
would've kept me from doing a ton of stuff that ended up
hurting me emotionally later on and causing a lot of trauma. So, now that I have a son, I hug him, and give him that masculine, if you would say, you know, emotional embrace. And I think that's important, you can't just get that
from one or the other, or the same sex. I believe it can only come
from a mother and a father. - Absolutely, yeah. Well, I also, not only is
it, you know, as a Christian, it's not biblical to represent
that to our children, but I don't think it's a
sustainable model either if you're looking at it
from that perspective, like if we're gonna normalize
same-sex households, we will have a very
difficult reproduction issue down the line. Think of every single family suddenly became a single-sex household, there's a reason why mammals
have a male and a female and they reproduce, that's the way we're built, that's the way we're built
biologically and from God. - I don't agree with most
of the (beep) you guys said, but I do agree about balance, okay. I am a queer mother of a 14-year-old male, and I believe that he definitely benefits from a male in his life
as well as me in his life. Now, the thing that you guys
really aren't touching on is that most families
are not just the deficit of the opposite sex, there's a lot of extended family. Like I make sure that my son
has lots of male influence because I know like what
you're talking about is 1,000% true, especially in the black community, the destruction of the black household is just a whole different conversation, but because I know that it is
my responsibility to make sure he's got a strong male influence or a few of them in his life. Now if they're not a father, they can be a father figure. I'm adopted. So I don't necessarily agree
with everything you said about the biology of family, 'cause I believe the only
thing that's real in this world is love, and I do believe anybody
can love and fortify a child a beautiful environment, but I do believe a child does benefit from male and female energy,
and that is best of my cue. (wood ticks loudly) - So I disagree, clearly: being a two-male household
with two little girls. Like you were saying, you know, I have a lot of strong women in my life and in my husband's life, and we make sure that they
are a part of our lives, they are a part of our girls' lives, that they know them very well, that they feel comfortable with them. And I have even told
them at five years old, you know, if you don't feel
comfortable ever coming to me about any kind of situation, you have your aunt, you have your grandma, you have these awesome,
amazing women in your life that you can talk to and you
should feel open about it. - Do you really think that it's
your extended family's job, as like you mentioned like
strong female figures, do you think it's their job for
them to parent your own kid? Because-
- They're not parenting. - Not at all.
- It's just an influence. - We were talking about
like extended relatives, but what about immigrant families
where all of your extended relatives are in a different
country, a different time zone. - It doesn't have to be family though. It can be, like I-
- Chosen family. - It can be chosen family. It's just some woman or
some man in your life that has a relationship with that child, and it's not their job to parent, but it's their job to
maybe step in and give, like I know for me, I have two dads and I have
strong female figures in my life, they never parented me, but sure I know that
they're there if I need 'em. I mean, you know, when I got
my period, I went to my dad's, I didn't wanna go to any woman
'cause they're my parents and they made me feel loved. And I had never ever once wanted a mom, sought a mom, thought I was missing something
because I didn't have a mom, and I'm sick and tired
of people telling me that I am missing something
'cause I'm just not. - Well, it's because you didn't have it. - Yeah, but do you feel like
you're missing something or you're not missing having two dads 'cause you didn't have it? - Well, no, no, that's not
what we're talking about. No, no, no, because what happens is- - You're missing out then. - Well, because I don't have two dads. (all laughing drowns out Mike) No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Because we all know, you know this and I know this, there's this bond that a mother and child have
that nobody can replace, I don't care if it's another dad, I don't care if it's aunt, I don't care if it's a grandmother. - Wrong. There's a study done-
- Hold on one second. - Showing that the fathers formed the same biological connection.
- I don't care about studies. Studies mean nothing to me. - I wanna hear him out. I wanna hear this guy out right here. What's he saying? - You saying that I've never
cared about having a mom, it never bothered me, I have two dads they're great. You're saying that because
you don't have your mother, which kills me, that kills me to think that- - I'm sorry it kills you.
- You never knew her - It doesn't kill me. - That is wild! What if her biological mom, let's just say her biological mom was a drug addict, a prostitute? Like my biological mom that did not hold me
the first three months. I'm not missing her hun. I'm not missing her.
- That's a horrible reality. - We're not talking about best scenario we're talking about optimal scenario. - But this is a real-life scenario. This is a real-life scenario. I don't miss that comfort from her. - But you don't know that
'cause you don't know her. - But you don't know that
'cause you're not me. - Exactly.
- So you can't speak for other queer folks and tell 'em what they're missing. - First of all, first of all, I don't even know what means 'cause you have a different definition, I'm sure you have a different definition, I'm sure you have one and
I'm sure you have one, and I'm sure you have one. - It's 2022, baby. You better look up queer what means. It's often used often a lot. - So, hold on. You guys have the exact same definition of what a queer person. - No, no, no. I think that definition from
schooling, from academia. (air quivers) - I don't think any
part of the conversation really bothered me so much. I think the one thing that I
wish I could have nailed down was a clear definition
of what being queer is. I understand that each person
and I actually said it, each person probably has
his or her own definition, you know, the same way if they asked us what a conservative was, we probably would've
had a definition for it. But I just wish that,
you know, that definition would've helped me frame
maybe some of my questions a little bit better that I had, yeah. (wood ticks loudly) I'm talking about you guys right here. - "About you guys." We're all the same here, honey. We're all human beings with love going through us.
- No, equality is a false god. Equality is a false god. We're not all the same: he's Black, I'm mixed, white. We are not the same. - Oh, my god. Whatever you characterize
me is a very small bit of me 'cause you don't know me. I can't judge you- - Exactly! So I wouldn't assume to say that that means we're the same.
- But we're human beings! - Inequality is what actually
makes everything good. I mean, we were just talking about how, you know, that somebody
in your life like an aunt is filling the role of the mother. - I didn't say filling the role. - You said he said, "Some woman." A mother is not some woman, a mother is a mother, no matter who you are.
- Correct. I don't have a mother. I have some women who I
can go to if I need them. - And she's not missing out on a mother because she doesn't have one and nobody should be
able to tell her that. - Of course, she has a mother. She just doesn't have a relationship. - I didn't have my father my whole entire, you know, childhood. From the age of 22 until now, I have a good relationship with my father. I was missing something. I didn't really have a great
relationship with my mother, my mother never talked to me, never said two words to me. I had absolutely nobody. So to say that, "Oh, I don't need a mom." - But being raised by a single parent and being raised by a
two-parent household, foundationally, economically, spiritually- - It's not about that.
- It is about that. It is about that.
- At the end of the day, I don't want my household
to be a free for all for anybody and everybody to come with their political
views, their religious views. If I say I don't want my daughter to have sex before marriage. I don't want my best friend,
Susie, to come and say- - Absolutely not.
- "Well, you know." - Why do you think that's
what my household is? - I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about my household.
- I agree 1000%. - I'm not talking about you. I don't know about your situation. What I'm saying is, as
far as me and my house, I'm not gonna let any everybody, whether I love them, I understand what you guys
are saying about love- - As you shouldn't.
- Trust me, I understand what you guys are saying about love and I agree: children need love but
also children need order. - Absolutely!
- So, therefore, in a same-sex house, the natural order is being stripped away. I'm not saying you don't
love your daughters, I'm not saying that. I'm saying the order, you love your two dads, that's great. They support you, they love you, they do things for you, they provide for you. That's amazing. But you're missing the substance of order that can help guide you
in different directions. - Can I speak, please?
- Yes, sure. - What am I missing? Pinpoint exactly what I am missing. - A mother. - Right, what am I missing from that? - Fundamental difference
between a mother and a father. - Okay, so what can you point to in me that would be different?
- I don't know you. I don't know you, that's why I asked the
question, originally. - I can say this. We don't know you personally. So when we say that
you're missing something from not having a mother, you're missing guidance in different ways. - Where?
- Look, anybody can fabricate emotion. I have two daughters. I can go to my daughter and I can play Barbies with my daughter, she puts on her dresses, I'll be the king, she's the princess, I can get on the ground, crawl, I can make myself be feminine enough for me and her to have a good time. But the real femininity can
only come from her mother. I can only do so much. - [Host] Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Real quick, we need to
move on in just a moment. We haven't heard from Brittney or Alexa. - I think it's really
important to realize that it takes a village to raise children. So with Elizabeth coming
from a two-parent household, which was a big topic for the agrees here, a two-parent household, I don't think she's missing on anything, I raised my children with my wife. My daughter knows no different, you know, she is not missing
anything, neither is my son. - Do you think one day they will? - Absolutely not. - I have a question. I have a question. I don't know how to ask this question: were you with a male when
you had your daughter? - Yes, I was. - Okay, so, I guess my question is more so for queer people who adopt children, is there a agenda connected
to it to purposely for the sake of society,
community, you know, to adopt children into
your home to prove a point? - I guess I could say the
same thing for you, though. - If you're having a kid
for a political agenda, you should not be a parent. - I wonder why white folks
adopt Black kids all the time. You always see white families adopt Black children from Africa, and I'm like why can't you
adopt a little white kid? - When you look at television, when you look at reality TV. I feel just from what I'm seeing, I don't go off of statistics and data, that's a bunch of BS. I go off of what I see. (air quivers) - (chuckles) When homeboy has said that he doesn't believe in data or statistics. I don't think it was a subtle eye roll, I definitely got whiplash. - How else do you make a
point that is professional and mature if you're not citing data, and you're not citing research, and you're calling it all bull (beep), that scrapped all of
his credibility for me. You're talking about kids of gay parents, and you're saying that
they're all these things, and I the person you're talking about, I'm sitting here telling you you're wrong, and you're still interrupting me, and you're still invalidating me, and you're still telling me
that your opinion must be right even though you're not in my shoes, that was really shocking. (wood ticks loudly) - Yeah, I wanted to respond
to some earlier points. We've been talking a lot about what is natural, what is order. I'd like to say that there
are many, many studies of over 1500 non-human
species of animals that they parent in their species children that are not biologically theirs. I also don't think that reproduction is the end all be all of
what a family is to be. You're allowed to have
your own biblical beliefs, I totally understand
that and respect that. What you're talking about
with sustainability, I'm not suddenly gonna tell
all the straight people to suddenly partner up
with people of the same sex and no longer reproduce. It's a minority of people that are queer that do want to have children, and I just think that they should be allowed to have children, and I don't think that they are depriving the
children of anything because I think the foundation
of what a family should be is to provide a child
with love and support, and raise them into respectable,
upstanding citizens. I think it's important
to have masculine energy, to have feminine energy, to have any other energy that there is. I just don't think that
that is necessarily the job of the parents to incorporate
these gender rules into it. - Are we able to qualify something before the next one?
- On that note- - May I respond to Elizabeth?
- Nope, nope, nope. Reset. Reset, reset.
- I need to know what queer means. - Look it up.
(all laugh) - I think we all do. (air quivers) - [Host] It's necessary for
parents to have open dialogue about sex with their children. - Hell no. - It depends. - I do believe it's necessary but I believe you have to
do it at an appropriate age. But once they're ready then I think you should
have those conversations so that they don't have
to go outside the family for that information. I never felt comfortable
going to my parents at all, or my mom, I never felt
comfortable going to her. I would like to create
a space for my child, which I have, where I hope
that no matter what happens in her life that she feels comfortable going to me, at least, and then I will help her
or together we'll determine if she's actually ready
for the conversation, and hopefully, she is. - I definitely agree with you. I think it's so important to
be able to have a dialogue so that kids feel like
they can come to you, and not necessarily enforcing that you have to come to me for this. One thing is like when it's much younger. - (sniffs) I'm really sorry. - Do you wanna talk about it? - I just haven't been
told I was raised wrong in a long time. This is just a lot of
trauma associated with this, and it's not trauma for my family, it's trauma for people
telling me it's wrong, I know my family is right and
I know my family is normal, I didn't know my family was not normal until other people
decided to tell me that. - And that was nobody
else's business to say that. - It was no one else's business. - Absolutely not. - And this is my biggest
fear for my two daughters. For me, I feel like I have
to prepare them as much as humanly possible for that outside world that can tell you that you're wrong or that your family is wrong 'cause that's one of my biggest fears. - I don't think anybody said wrong, but. - A lot of people say it's wrong. - I grew up in a less-than-ideal family. A less-than-ideal I
think is where as humans- - But there is nothing less
ideal about her situation. - No, this is what she's hearing though. This is what she's perceiving
that she's hearing. - I'm hearing it too. I'm hearing invalidation of
her family, of the structure. She's got a two-parent
household right now. Most heterosexual families
end up in divorce, we don't. - Also every single
screwed-up person I know has a mom and a dad. Every single screwed-up
person has a mom and a dad. I've met nobody royally screwed up with two moms and two dads. That's that. - And honestly, most gay
kids' parents are straight. We come from y'all straight kids. - Well, they all have to, biologically. - Well, no. Not necessarily, no,
not the adoption kids. - Unless you're having, like, they all came from
a straight relationship. - But our parents are heterosexual. - No, I'm biologically
related to one of my dads and my brother's biologically
related to the other, and they had us via a donation surrogacy. So there's still a biological
connection in my house. And I'm glad I have that connection, one of my dads who has
straight parents was adopted. And like, you know, biology doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I wish people would
like stress it less because that's where a lot
of the hate comes from is, oh, if you're gay,
clearly something's wrong, if you have two dads, clearly
something is wrong with you. And like we automatically
assume that children like me or people like my
parents aren't as good as purely because they're different. - Nobody said that. - No one said it in this room, but like the world says
it and that's not fair. - [Host] And let's just, everyone just take a breath, just take a moment before we circle back to the prompt, okay? Just take a deep breath. Do we feel okay to, yeah? (wood ticks loudly) It's necessary for parents to
have open dialogue about sex with their children. - I would also say that from a young age we can talk about things that
are involved with like sex ed but not explicitly sex, for instance, like consent
is a very important topic that I think should be brought
up as young as possible. We mentioned before about the case of you don't
have to hug your uncle if you don't want to, or, "Hey, do you want help
cleaning that mess up?" Or something. I think those are inherently
part of good sex education, but they're not explicitly like about sex. - I think growing up, I didn't have much social media so like I never like saw this stuff, but I go on Instagram now, just so many posts, so
many stories are just about all these things about sex, consent, and it can really go both ways, right? There's extremes on both sides. But the age that it starts at, you should really just
encourage your kid to like, you should tell them the bare minimum, the biological standard, right? There's two biological
sexes, stuff happens. But really let them do their own research and encourage them to research both sides rather than just like mainly pushing their idea.
- What age are you saying? - Whenever they get social media, whenever they first hear about it, and they have any questions about it. So I grew up with religious
and conservative parents, but they never made it
clear that those two parts of my identity were the only things that were to rule my entire lifestyle. So what I mean by that is growing up I would hear about politics, whenever I would ask
them a question about it, they never made it clear
what their stance on it was because they wanted me
to explore both sides, whenever I asked them questions, you know, they always tell me to
explore the thing first, you know, go on Google, research, go to different sources, and then we can have a discussion once I've really been truly informed. (wood ticks loudly) - If we're empowering them
to do their own research, they can get into the very wrong sides of doing that research, for instance, most people I
know got their sex ed from porn. And if we're talking about,
you know, sex and consent, I don't think anyone in this
room is thinking that porn is a great example of sex ed. - I definitely caught
my son watching porn, and he's 14 years old and
it was a conversation, and I didn't shame him. You know, but if this
is already happening, what do I look like coming
at him and reprimanding him, and telling him this is a boundary or we don't do this in this house 'cause you're gonna go to? All this action, it's like,
no, this is already happening, so I'm just now finding out about it. So now there's a communication like, and we actually had a
whole on conversation about why this isn't real and why
this is not okay for you, you're gonna be an adult the
rest of your life, honey, be a 14-year-old right now. And he's like, "You're right, mom. And I didn't worry about it again, he probably still sneaking
and watching porn, but you know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna be able stop that. I'm gonna be able to communicate with him and do the best I can do, that's all we can do as parents. - See but that's good 'cause you told him about the
stuff before it got worse. - So I have a son and a daughter: my son is almost seven;
my daughter's four. So you know, I don't like to keep them, like if one's showering,
the other's in their room and vice versa. But one thing I guess I
stepped forward for was mostly because we use the word
penis, we use the word vagina, I want them to know their anatomy. I want them to know that
this is what you have, nobody touches this, nobody
sees it other than you. Or like if I'm giving you a shower or helping you wipe your butt, like things like that. You know, I learned about sex from boys being gross in class. I didn't know how anything worked, and that's kind of because like you said, you didn't have a good
relationship with your parents. I didn't have that. I wasn't comfortable asking
my mom or my dad like, "What is this?" They probably should have been
the ones to educate me first. I probably wouldn't have
became a teen parent, but. (wood ticks loudly) - Yeah, I only hung back
because I agree and I disagree. Like for me, it was very interesting. I have mom and dad. My mother's a very Latin woman, so it's kind of funny that she was the one who I talked to about
sex more than my dad. I don't think I've ever said
more than two words to my dad up until this day about sex. So for my daughter, I almost kind of want to mirror that for obvious reasons, I mean, that might just be a better conversation for her mom to have with her, I mean, I'm willing to
have a conversation, but I also feel a little bit
uncomfortable at the same time, maybe that has to do with
my past, I don't know. But yeah, I think the
younger people here have it so incredibly difficult
and so incredibly easy just because they have
everything available to them at the same time, we're like me, you, like, you over there, like, we have to figure
stuff out from like, you know, blurry VHS tapes or like slow
(all laugh faintly) internet downloads, and stuff like that. So, I'm not jealous of you guys at all. - That's fair, that's fair to say that I might
not feel comfortable talking to my daughter about intercourse. It was way easier for me to talk to my son about how bitches are, like, look, you're good at basketball, you know what I'm saying? Are you gonna go to athletics and whatnot? I know how women are going to be- - When it comes to courting. Yeah, I can talk to her probably
a lot easier than I can. - Absolutely. - I still disagree because
of the word necessary. I don't think that it's necessary. You know, everyone's
watched animal planet, nobody teaches the lion
cubs how to have sex or what to do, I think it's ingrained in all of us. I think it's just something that is the result of evolutionary biology. My dad was a very strong
masculine figure in my life and he was always there for me, but I never had the
birds and the bees talk, I never had it. I went through puberty, I felt all the things that young boys feel going through puberty. I used my eyes and I
looked around the world, I talked to my friends
like curious kids do, and we figured it out, and we kind of knew what was going on. But something you said
actually made me think and almost reconsider if
I made the right choice, and that was about pornography. Because this is a very big
issue and it's very pervasive in our society today, the average age of first
exposure to pornography in this country is 11, and some social scientists are saying that it's getting younger every year. To keep people viewing, to keep the dopamine hits
coming to these viewers, these young viewers, it's escalating behaviors: it's rape; it's incest; it's aggression; it is these horribly violent behaviors that they're learning for the first time. You know, by 18 years old
it's over 90% of young boys who have seen porn and
60% for young women, and that is something
that we have to recognize. I think it is good to have
some discussions about this, but I also think that this
ties back to why it's important to have a two-parent home, because it's not just about
telling your kids what is right, kids are very visual learners, and so when they see your
mother and father interacting with each other in a
loving, nurturing way, they internalize that, they see that, and they in turn go out and they treat other people like that, whether that's their
girlfriend or boyfriend. And so that's, I think,
one of the big values of having a two-parent, two-sex home. - I think being honest because
even being conservative, I think we can be a little hypocritical, like, we're so perfect and
we have this perfect family, but it's like, no, your mama was a hoe, your dad used to sniff coke. So we're not perfect and just being honest and transparent, and seeing, you know, certain
things in our children and being able to address those
things in a timely manner. So I don't think that it's
necessary for my kids' age to talk about sex, and I would rather them just
for now see the intimacy between a mother and a father before I drop that ball on them, so. (air quivers) - [Host] Children should strive to meet their parents' expectations. (Raw speaks faintly) (all laugh faintly) - I don't think that's a valid question, what are those expectations? Do we expect our kids
to be rocket scientists as soon as they're born? Probably not. If it's like good
upstanding citizens who love and respect their family and
their friends, I think so. And I'm sure there, there are some children of immigrants here who probably have a very high
standard expected of them from the day that they were born or the day that they
moved to this country. - And that's one thing I wish Asian American households changed. We should always be expecting improvement, I think that's the one thing that parents should always be putting on their kids. Thing is I was really mad at math, I like did not learn how to
add positive, negative numbers until like 7th, late 8th grade, which is really, really bad, okay, especially for an Asian. But the thing is, it doesn't matter where your kid starts, you should always be
encouraging them to improve, you don't set quantitative
standards for them saying, "Get an A on this, get B on this." What you should be encouraging is, "Oh, you gotta C, try to get C+, B." Small steps are what gets your kid there. - I don't wanna create, not create, but raise a child that is reckless, like, okay, well, you have the freedom, be yourself, express yourself, do whatever you want. And then, you know, she comes home, (clears throat) you know, 16 and pregnant, I'm like, "You did this and
blah, blah, blah, blah." "Well, dad, you didn't tell me anything." So the expectations isn't to be perfect, but just take a little bit of
the things that she's learned, you know, that they've learned
from their mom and dad, and utilize them in their life to the best of their abilities, and if they can do
that, I'm happy with it. My parenting style I feel is, I would say it's strict
but it's not strict. You know, although my
children aren't allowed to be exposed to certain things, they still have an amazing way of life because they get to do things
with their mother and father who are actually present while
they're in their presence, instead of scrolling on social
media and ignoring the child when the child could be needing
you more than you think. So I pride myself on
being as present as I can and setting that strong
foundation for my children. (wood ticks loudly) - I think it's also
important to teach your kids that the expectations
you're setting for them, and those goals that you're
setting for them isn't for you, it's for them. And that's something really important that my parents taught me was that, "Here are the goals, here's
what we expect out of you. But at the end of the day, your successes are your own
and your failures are your own. And one day, mom and dad
aren't gonna be here, and you're gonna have only yourself to look to for your accomplishments." And so it's setting the
goals and setting the bar, but then making them
realize this is all you, the ball's in your court and
your life is in your hands, it's not in ours. - The expectation that I have is just they're the best
person that they could be. And I think that's the
same for every parent, I mean, that's the goal and the wish, that your child is happy and healthy, and content of who they
are in what they're doing. And of course, I'm gonna push
them to take the next step and I'll always push them, but you know, I think that
expectation is a valid one. (wood ticks loudly) - I agree with a lot of the
stuff you guys were saying, but the reason I didn't
fully step forward was I immediately thought of my parents. And my parents both grew
up in conservative homes, and were told that the whole
goal was to go to college, get a wife, and have kids. If my parents met the expectation that they were gonna get married, and have a wife and have kids: one, they might have killed themselves and not been here today; two, I definitely wouldn't have been here, my brother wouldn't have been here. So it can't be the end all be all to meet your parents' expectations. - My parents are immigrants from India and their expectation for me is to accomplish the American dream, to blend into white society, to blend into like rich American society. They placed me from the age
of five in a all-boys school until the age of 15, and their expectation
was for me to blend in. I'm sorry, I can't meet that, like I'm a woman, I'm not gonna meet your expectation of going to an all-boys school. I don't think that's me
doing something wrong there, that's me just living my truth. But there's other expectations that I think are very appropriate
for them to have me meet, you know, they want me
to go to a good college, they want me to succeed and be happy, and accomplish my dreams, and I think those are all wonderful, but I think it's not so
black and white, yeah. (air quivers) - [Host] Elementary schools
should teach students about sexual orientation
and gender identity. - I don't think they should
teach like queer theory or like college-level gender classes, but I think they should be taught that these kinds of people exist in the world, and you will grow up in a world where you need to love
and respect these people. - Yeah, for me, if we're talking specifically
elementary school, for me, that just looks like
having a book in the classroom that is about a two-dad family or is about someone discovering that they like to wear dresses, and then maybe that disagrees with what they were born as, you know? Just something like a children's book or just some kind of picture on the wall that represents that, it doesn't have to be anything beyond that that's not age-appropriate, this doesn't involve gay sex
education or hormone therapy, or like if we're talking
like elementary school kids, it's just representation. Just putting it on everyone's radar for those people out there. - I think at its core it's not about you have to agree with
this and this is an agenda, it's about you can agree with this, you can disagree with this,
but you need to respect it. - You know, growing up I
didn't have those books. I was questioning myself, "If I'm normal," quote, or, "If there's something wrong with me. Why do I have these feelings? Is this correct?" Because I never had a
conversation with my parents, my parents are straight, my whole family is very conservative. So it was really difficult
for me to accept myself because I didn't see the
acceptance anywhere else. - It's the exact same thing
as different cultures, different religions, it's just another diverse area that you need to be exposed to. - It's like me being okay
with schools being taught heterosexual relationships, like I'm okay with that, that's something part
of the world, of course. - I didn't get any education
from it from school. And you know, kids use like, that's gays, you're gay, like as a derogatory, you know. So for me, it could be as simple as like this girl has two dads, my kids have two moms. Simple. (wood ticks loudly) - Is it Brittney? - Yes.
- Okay. So you made a statement
just now that where you said you think it should just be like this exists, and this exists,
and not go any further. So I think my problem
with the school system teaching our children these things is that it doesn't just stop there. And also, what if your boundary is different from her
boundary, from his boundary? Everybody's boundary is
a little bit different, as parents.
- Absolutely. - So, I don't think the
schools understand that. And I don't think government schools really should be raising our
children, which they are now. You know, we should be really
raising our own children, and if we have to put our
children in a public school, hopefully, they're
learning, reading, writing, and arithmetic, and the social things, and the cultural things, and the religious things that
are valuable to each one of us should come from inside our household. (air quivers) My approach with parenting
is to be very loving, very tender, a very good role model. Some people would say I do
some attachment parenting because we still sleep in the same bed, but really it's for a number of reasons: and one, being safety; and two, being it's more fun than being across the
house from my daughter when we're the only two
people in the house. We just have a very tender,
loving relationship. I wanted to make sure
that I cultivated that in my relationship with my
child 'cause I felt like I grew up without that
tenderness and that love, and that security in my household. So, I wanted to make
sure that I provided that for my daughter no matter what. (wood ticks loudly) - You said, I'm so sorry
to keep bringing this up, I don't wanna like
trauma bond or anything, but like you didn't
have a good relationship with your parents: you weren't able to go
and talk to them about sex or your period and things like that. - Correct. - Where was the best place
to get that information other than school sex ed for you? - That's a great point. And I'm glad you brought that up. I wish that my parents were
open and communicative. I had a similar situation too. And so I ended up learning
it from my friends, so friends, and magazines, and VHS tapes, somebody mentioned, like you learn about
these things other ways, but still, it should come
from the family, I believe. - It should, it doesn't always, though. - It should come from the family because I can almost guarantee that every single person here, anybody who's a parent
or just has a parent, we all have a different idea
of what we want our children to learn and not learn about these particular social
constructs, and sex, in general. - But we exist. That's the thing is that we exist. - Yeah, but it's like is
sexual orientation a construct? No.
- I wanna add on to that. So I agree with a lot of
what you guys were saying when you guys are up here
about representation. We should be teaching our kids that people of different sexualities, you know, family types, they exist. But when you have one entity, one curriculum, one
school, one government, when you have only one
entity teaching a thing that can go both ways and a
lot of different directions. There's a lot of room for bias like I want my kids when I grow up, I want them to know that
these different things exist. But in school, it's just so hard to
regulate what's going on, and I see news stories all the time about these children's books, there's one book about teaching, I don't know the name, but it's about a girl
exploring her sexuality, and in the book, it literally
says her friend said, "Maybe you should try tasting
your vaginal discharge to see if you like it or not." And the thing is, nobody's
advocating for this stuff, at least, I hope not. But it can get out of hand so quickly- - So that's understandable
- When it's hard to regulate. - But again, in schools, it is curriculum so it wouldn't be anything outside of- - But it was being
taught in the curriculum. - Like the students are reading books? - These books are in the classroom. - I think some teacher
would be wilding out, and bringing in their own personal thought that's not supposed to
be in the curriculum. That just sounds wild.
- Absolutely not. - We forget that we talk about, you know, the school system and all that stuff, but we forget that these
teachers are people too. - A lot of these teachers are my age, you know, they're young. - Exactly. So my daughter when she
went into kindergarten, her teacher was amazing, great. She loved my daughter,
treated her very, very well. But the first time I went back to, I think it was back to school, not at a parent-teacher conference, there was literally the whole classroom was surrounded with rainbows, and I'm like, rainbow
pencils, rainbow ABCs, rainbow, rainbow, I'm like, okay, we need
to know our colors, they need to know their
colors, that's cool. But it went from like, okay,
you're teaching them to, okay, what is this? Like, you know, I don't care
if you are gay or whatever. - Was she a gay educator too? - No, no, no. You know, she was married and had kids. I don't know if her kids
were or anything like that, but it just was like,
what are you trying to do? It just felt weird. - So you have to be gay
to like the rainbow? - No, no, no, absolutely not. But I mean, for a 50-year-old woman to have 1,000 rainbows in the classroom, when I grew up and there was
maybe one or two or three. - It seems a bit excessive. (air quivers) - The fact that it was thought that because there was rainbows
in the classroom that that was pushing agenda to these kids is just ludicrous to me. I mean, to think that a queer person, whether they're a parent or not, has a particular agenda
to push LQBTQ community on other people is just ridiculous, and it triggered something in me. And I bit my tongue
(laughs) during that time. (wood ticks loudly) - When I was in 5th grade,
I had a gay teacher. We all knew he was gay, we all loved him. And I also had a classmate with two moms, and the teacher recognized and said, "This student has two moms,
that's perfectly fine. We're not gonna go any further than that." Recognizing and seeing the student, and telling them that they're safe here. The problem today is what
you were talking about is that it's not just recognition, it's almost indoctrination, it's taking it past just
showing people that, yes, you exist and I recognize you. I took sex ed in 5th grade
too, and it was very simple, it was the boys went in one
classroom with the male teachers and the girls went into another classroom with the female teachers, and we talked about the anatomy: we could ask questions about sex and questions about puberty. And other than that, that was kind of it. But now, across this country, you're seeing these types of books that aren't just talking about
the biology and the anatomy, and teaching kids about procreation, it's talking about pleasure; it's pornographic material: and that has no place in the classroom. And unfortunately, we're
almost having to step back and have no sex education, which you want, which we want sensible sex education because people are taking it so far. And my question to
those people that agreed is why do you not think that
parents can sufficiently and appropriately determine how and when they talk to their kids about sex? And why are these
teachers so eager to talk to other parents' children
about sex and gender ideology? I've literally traveled
the country reporting on this indoctrination, on
the Drag Queen Story Hour, on the Transition Closets,
on the Coming Out Day. And whether or not you agree with those, that's fine if you agree with them, but you have to also agree that
your child is in a classroom with parents that feel very
strongly about those issues and that has to be left to the parent, it is not the ch teacher's job to say, "Today's Coming Out Day." Or to say that, "You can be called by this
pronoun or this pronoun, or, "you can go in either classroom to talk about this
anatomy or this anatomy." It's just not your job. - When it comes to pronouns, I feel like that teacher
is creating a safe space for that child in case they do come home and they cannot come out to you guys. - That's what it comes down to: it's creating safe spaces for
the children that aren't like- - Like, I didn't mean
to point you guys out, but you both are very religious. And I personally come from
a very religious household, no offense, but I am uncomfortable
as hell, you know, being- - Around Christians,
- Not necessarily Christians, but people that.
- Catholics. We can be pretty tough. - (laughs) No, I don't mean to like make you guys feel uncomfortable. - I understand what you're saying because it's a two-sided coin. - [Brittney] Absolutely. - Well, it's the
convenience to be Christian, it's I'm gonna be Christian
of the Old Covenant and not know what
Christianity really means on the New Covenant. And I know Christianity because I went to a ministerial
school for three years so you wanna talk about the Bible, we can talk about it, but then LGBT is not even talked
about in the New Covenant, when Jesus Christ came
and washed away my sins, and I'm a Christian. - [Host] Pause. 'Cause, we do have to move
on, I wanna hear from Mike. - Oh, well, no, I was just gonna say that, that, you know, my wife
and I plan to homeschool for a multitude of reasons, specifically, we don't want the state involved in our child's education. There are a bunch of subjects we don't even think should
be taught to begin with, like earth science, what the hell is that all about? (Brittney laughs out loud) But to point to Aldo's point,
one of the reasons why, especially recently why we decided this was because we went to our
local school district's library, and those books absolutely exist, and we were told by the librarian that an 8 to 12-year-old
can take those books out without their parent's permission. And these books, they're kind
of like comic booky-type, some of them are, but some of 'em have extremely
pornographic descriptions, some of them have visual aids, some of 'em talking about, "Hey, try a blowjob, see
how it makes you feel." Some of 'em talk about fingering yourself. I'm absolutely not open
to having my daughter look at that stuff, let alone even hear
about it from other kids. And second of all, with the
teachers in the classrooms, I feel like there is a
larger subset of teachers who seem to have an agenda, this is just what I see optically, and it's just not something
that I'm comfortable with, so. - Can I quickly ask Raw a question? - [Host] Yeah. - You talked about creating a safe space for students with pronouns. Do you recognize that some parents that feel very strongly
about these issues, that by these teachers creating these safe spaces for students, and introducing all the
students to the spectrum of gender ideology
creates a dangerous space for that other child that
it's introducing them to an idea that the parents
feel strongly about? - Do I think creating a safe
space for queer and trans kids creates an unsafe place for straight kids? Absolutely not. - Though, do you recognize that the parents could feel that way, that the introduction of these ideas is not aligning with their
values and it's not okay? - I agree 1000% with homeschooling 'cause I worked at LAUSD for 10 years and I've seen a lot of shit that goes on in the school district. I absolutely believe
that it starts at home, and if you give your kids
a good foundation at home, and they should be able to have
a little bit of a foundation when they go to school and
recognize these different things, like, oh, I don't agree with that, I don't get jiggy with that, but I'm not gonna hate and
disrespect the person that does. So because there are kids
that are committing suicide, there are kids that are coming to school that come to school for safety for food, not only just to learn about sex ed, but literally, 'cause they
have no other place to go, but to go to school for
food in the morning. - What about the kid though, who's made to feel out
to be like a pariah? Let's say if there's one kid who's like, "Well, you know, that's
maybe not what I believe with the pronouns or with any sort of." - I'm that kid. I don't care about pronouns. Absolutely.
- Right, exactly, sure. So, now, today, I feel like
there are kids who are probably going to be pariah by their teacher, maybe if he or she's a
bad teacher, I don't know, but that's not necessarily
inclusive or maybe a safe space for that one child who, you know, may feel like I don't believe in any of this stuff. - It's not just about making the kids in the school feel safe, it's about educating the people that don't know how to treat other
people outside of the school so they can take that with them and respect people that are not inside the school.
- Yes, ma'am. (air quivers) - [Host] Sometimes a
child needs a spanking. (Aldo grunts faintly) - Spanking. - This is interesting because, ooh, let me get close, I feel that every kid needs a spanking, though, my wife and I have decided that we're not gonna spank our kid, if that makes any sense. - It does. (laughs)
- I grew up being spanked, and I turned out all right for it. But I do think that spanking can be, or you know, physical, what's the word? - Correction.
- Physical discipline or physical correction can be useful. But yeah, not for mine. - The thing is like, you can
take this question both ways, there are cases where you
should not spank a child, but I think about behaviors
that have been ingrained, that have been enabled for a long time, that are terrible and they should stop. I used to work at a tech summer camp, and there's this little
girl who's the demon, she would like go up to
the Indian kids, say, "You're ugly, you're brown, you smell." Like these are things that are enabled. A kid isn't born and has this
hate towards Indian people, you know what I mean? So I think a case like that, and when the mom came, she was just like, "Honey, you can't continue doing that." It's been enabled. So I think there are cases where the only way to
get to the kid's head is by showing extreme concern, and for some parents that
can come through spanking, but I don't think it should
be used for like mild cases like you got a B on a test
or something like that. - And what do we do? We mirror our parents' behavior. So because I grew up with,
you know, my mom spanked me, and my dad rarely did, but if he ever got to the point
of a spanking, it happened. But I think that my first
inclination when my daughter would have a tantrum would just
almost kind of be like to either grab her really hard
or to just think about, you know, this kid needs a spanking. And I used to tell my
wife, I used to be like, "Just let me do it. Let me see what happens." But just kind of restrained ourselves, and we just said, you
know, we decided at first, and it may seem like a
very unconservative thing to say, but like, yeah, we came to the decision
we're not gonna do that. - So for me, you know,
being African American, I feel like our forms of
discipline are more brutal in some senses because they're not really
given with love, you know? I remember getting whoopings
just for laughing too early in the morning on a
Saturday watching cartoons because they're trying to sleep. So, I think that like
when I spank my daughter, I always make sure she understands why she's
getting the spanking, so it's not, you know, she touched something and then I get her, it's, "Hey, you know,
you shouldn't climb that because you can fall and
really hurt yourself." And then I leave the
room and come back in, and she's doing it, it's
like, okay, you know, so the term that I've always used with her when I've given her spankings is, "Do you need understanding?" And she's like, "Daddy, I
don't want understanding, like I don't want any understanding." But after I've spanked her,
I'll give her a minute, and then I'll come back
in the room and say, "All right, let's have a conversation." And sit down like, "Why did I spank you? "Cause, daddy, I was climbing the ladder. "What could have happened? "I could have really
fallen and hurt myself. "So what do we not do? "Climb the ladder if you're not there." It's done. - Right, this goes back
to the conversation we were having about expectations and trying to meet those expectations. As a parent, if you set an
expectation for your child that has to do with their
safety and it's not met, and you don't correct them, then that's actually not loving, then that's actually not
showing your child that there are consequences to the actions, and that'll lead them to doing the same behavior
over and over again. And I'll also say that if you are constantly having to spank and use this extreme measure, then you're probably
doing something else wrong that needs to be corrected first. So, it does have to be used
sparingly and not that extreme. - You're exactly right. I grew up in a Latin
household, I'm Puerto Rican, and we got the switch, we got the belt, we got the hand, we got the fist, we got all of it. - You got the backhand? The backhand with the rings is the worst. - We got the wooden
spoon, we got all of it. And it was terrifying at times, honestly. And sometimes I didn't
feel it was justified, sometimes it was justified. But I didn't wanna create
an environment for my child where it was severe punishment that felt like they
were so terrified of me that they weren't going to
be able to be somewhat free: the punishment needs to fit the crime. If you look at the animal kingdom, I'll talk about that again, but they physically
correct their young ones when there's danger,
when they're out of line, and they teach them because
verbalizing doesn't always work, and I think it should
just be minor corrections, I don't think we should get
into the realm of abuse, obviously. And also, I feel like these days you can't even touch your child without somebody wanting to call CPS on you. When I was growing up, there was no laws, you could just beat the tarnation out of
your child, apparently. But now, you have to be
very careful, legally. But from a biological standpoint I think it should just be very slight and the punishment should fit the crime. (wood ticks loudly) - The first thing that bugs
me about this conversation that it always seems to be, "Oh, (laughs) yeah, I got
the smack and (laughs)." And it always ends up being
a laughter that follows what stories of people getting spanked. I was spanked, I had my mouth washed out with soap, I had my pants literally
pulled down around my ankles and spanked in front of my friends. As a child, first of
all, that embarrassment, it was hard to come back
from, very, very hard. Not only that, but my relationship with my
father completely suffered because of it: I resented him; I hated him; I feared him. And it was a long, like, I'm still trying to
repair it from this day. And I think that as a parent, now that I'm in that position, and my child acts up, yeah, of course, we have to discipline them. But sending them to timeout
which they hate and despise, and then having that conversation of why did you go to timeout? And they understand and they repeat what
they're not supposed to do, you know, it works, and they don't do it again. And I think we can get the point across and discipline our children without abuse, without hitting, without spanking because that is a lasting
impression on a child. - I think with the lasting impression: the physical pain is temporary; the mental pain is lifelong forever. And I don't think that a child, and now adults, should have
to live with that trauma for the rest of our lives just
because our parents wanted to correct us in that one moment. - Honestly, I don't think
spankings are really effective. You know, spare the rods, spoil the child, I come from parents that
we had a huge leather belt, and now that I think about
it, we'd always get told, "Oh, don't make me get the leather belt." And dad did get the leather belt, but I never got hit with that belt. And it was more to invoke that fear 'cause I could never imagine
my parents honestly hitting me. And I didn't have to get hit
to mind or to respect them. But the moment that my
parents were to hit me, I would lose respect for them. - Absolutely! - 'Cause, I don't expect my
parents to have to hit me. I don't think that's what
parents should have to do. If you can't use your words to articulate to your
children to respect you, we have a bigger problem. - Yeah. First time I ever did
get physically spanked was by my grandpa's wife. I lived with her and blah, blah, blah, and she smacked me and I smacked her back, you know, like I wasn't gonna take that, I don't take that kind of disrespect. And like I don't touch my kids like that, I don't feel like my little
four-year-old daughter, why does she need to be spanked? She's four. My six-year-old, he's still
learning the world around him, he doesn't need that, that's abusive to me. No offense, but like I
just see it as abuse. (air quivers) Spanking absolutely was
something I couldn't imagine even speaking of on camera
for millions of people to see. And I don't see the point
of abuse in children as little as six, four, you
know, that's very young, and very imprinting on children
that are gonna grow up, and think that that's how you discipline and that's how you get people
to hear what you're saying. - It leaves mental scars when it's used in the wrong scenario. So we were talking about that earlier: if you're spanking your
kid every single day, you know, change your parenting. But you only use it when
it's a terrible behavior that needs to stop. Like when I was little, okay,
I used to shoplift, okay, (all laugh faintly)
I would get away with it. I thought you could just take
a candy bar and then leave, but after like my parents found these chocolate bars
that they weren't paying for, they spanked me and as they should because if they hadn't spanked me, they just said, "Honey, don't do this." I would've kept doing it.
- You might still stop. If they just said don't do that shit, you might have just stopped or
took something away from you, or use different effective ways, like taking things away from my son, like me smacking my son, my son's 14 years old, who's bigger than me; stronger than me; me emasculinizing my son, and smacking him as a woman and telling him he's
doing something wrong, that's wild! That's not gonna be effective at all. It's "No, hey, let's talk about this, you're gonna get the Xbox taken away, I'm not gonna take you
to this AAU practice that we're spending $400 on." We're gonna do something that's
gonna be really effective that you actually are going to remember, 'cause hitting, after a while, that
shit don't mean nothing. "All right, keep on hitting
me, keep on hitting me. - That's my middle ground.
- I agree with that being at 15, being 6, 7.
- That's why it's only in extreme cases too.
- You know what I mean? - But when you're 12? - My mom was like your height, you know? So I think to kind of go
off what you were saying, the laughter part, we're not laughing
because of the spanking, it's more so, and I hope this makes sense, it's laughing because of
the experience of love in the discipline that I
experience with my daughter and the fact that she now understands, and I know that she won't
make that same mistake again. Now, to what you were saying, after spanking her, I don't
even remember last time I've spanked my daughter because now even with my two-year-old, when they're acting up or doing something, or screaming, or going crazy, and I'm like, "Hey, guys, stop." And they're still going. I'll get the belt and I'll just jingle, "Okay, dad, we're sitting down." And I'm like, "Oh, so, you guys are good? "Yeah, dad, we're good." It's like I don't have to- - That's a respond to stimuli. Absolutely like, oh, shit,
we don't wanna get hit. - We don't wanna go hit, but also, it's a respecting, like, that's my father, he's in there, you know, trying to work on
the computer or something, we are screaming too loud. - It's the job of the parent
to make sure the child can come to them for
anything and everything, and overall love, why would you teach a child
that that person would hit them? That's it. (air quivers) - [Host] The sexuality of parents influences their kids' sexuality. (Aldo sighs loudly) (attendees speaking faintly) - Now if we're talking about
sexuality as in just, you know, being openly, openly like, I hope I'm wording this the right way, promiscuous or your behaviors. I think it does. A lot of things that I do, my kids do, a lot of things that my wife
do, you know, they follow her. So I think if I was
behaving in a certain way, and you know, treating
my wife a certain way in front of my daughters
and my son, you know, I think it would affect the
way that they treat themselves and the way they treat others, and would look at sex as more as a object or just something to do
more than a intimate thing that you have with one person that creates a real bond in a friendship. - The thing about childhood is that every kid has a normal one because there's no frame of reference, everything's relative. So whatever you put into that child's life becomes their normal. Children that are from
same-sex households, they have a higher chance
of identifying as LGBTQ, and you could claim that this is because
they're more accepting and more receptive to that. But I would point to the
generations that each generation as they got older, the percentage of people
that identify as LGBTQ doubles each generation, and some of that can be because
of acceptance of society. But I do not believe that
it is pure acceptance, there is influence that's
happening on our social media, that's happening in media or in the world, but it starts at home, and definitely, there
is influence in the home that when you see this as normal, it will, of course,
influence your sexuality and how you view these things. - I just wanna say quickly
that sexuality in the home should be a good role
model for your children, should be constructive, it should be loving and not toxic. If a child sees sexuality
and sees it as toxic, they may just choose to go the other way. (wood ticks loudly) - A lot of gay people
have straight parents; a lot of gay parents
produce straight kids: so debunked. If you're straight, that doesn't mean your child is straight; if you're gay, that doesn't
mean your child is gay. I wanna stand firm on the fact
that sexuality is biological, it's not something you can choose. And if it's something you wanna explore that's different from choosing. Exploring is, oh, maybe I'll go see what
it's like being with a woman, oh, that didn't feel right. Because it's biological. - Yeah, so two points, one of which is something
that you had said about them only knowing that
there's two gay parents, and so they relate to that more. In my life, like yes,
there is two gay parents but we also are surrounded
by a lot of straight parents and a lot of straight couples, and their friends come over to play, and they have a mom and dad, and they come over. So them being only seeing this
one thing and then thinking, "Oh, maybe I'm gay because
that's the only thing I know." I don't believe in that. - I don't think that, I just
think what is normal to them. Is it normal for them to have two dads? Of course, right?
- Yeah. - Having a mom and a dad, is it normal? - But it's also normal to see other kids with their mom and dad too. I mean, they see it all the time. And then my second other was
just the fact of a choice, I mean, you talked about it, it's definitely not a choice. If I had to choose way back
when I was 15, 14, thinking, "Oh, gosh, I'm gay." I would not choose to have society constantly
looking at me, judging me, when I'm out to dinner with my two girls, and people come up and go,
"You're doing such a good job." You don't do that to straight parents who're out with their kids, like why come up to me? - Yeah, they do.
- So I would not have chosen to be gay if I had the choice. I am gay, I am happy, my life is amazing and I
wouldn't want it any other way. But back then when I
was figuring things out I wouldn't have chosen it. - What did you say? - I said, "They do compliment straight parents."
- They do. People tell me that all the day. Especially being a Black
father, I get it all day long. - On the other side of things, I wanna talk about this notion of what is normal influences what you are. I went to an all-boys school, I'll say this a million times, I went to an all-boys
school until I was 15, I did not know what a
girl was until I was 15. My parents are heterosexual, they're pretty conservative, they're Christian. Nothing in my environment was
saying you need to be a girl, you are queer, you are a lesbian, right? That was just always within me and nothing in my environment
pushed me to do that. I think that is just
one very clear example that your environment does not make you have
a particular sexuality or gender that is just within you. (air quivers) - [Host] The way I was parented
made me feel safe and seen. (Elizabeth's jacket swooshing microphone) - My parents already knew that they were getting into parenting miles behind other people because the world tells 'em they're gonna be this kind of parent simply because they're gay. From what they've told me, before I was born, before my brother was born, it was doing all kinds of
research on what works for kids, how to raise a girl, what girl puberty is like, all of these things. They made sure that
they were super educated so that the only reason
the world could tell them they were a bad parent
is because they were gay, and that means nothing; that comes down to your own opinion. And so I grew up feeling
so safe, so supported, I came to my parents with any question and they always had the answer. And I always knew I could grow up being whatever I wanted to be, and whether that was sexuality, whether that was career-wise, honestly, growing up with two
dads was really beneficial as a woman because there
was nothing impeding on, or there were no boundaries
set on what a woman should be, or what a woman should act like, it was, no, you go out, and your brain is your biggest asset, and it's the most
beautiful thing about you, go out and do whatever you want: women can do whatever men can do. And it was really great
actually to not have a woman in the household that maybe
would've derailed that in some way. - I half agree, I would say I felt safe. I did not particularly feel seen. My parents don't know what being trans is, they don't really understand
what being gay was. When I came out to them, they were like, "We don't really know what
this is, but we love you." And that's what made me feel safe. Even if they don't particularly
see me, they came to see me. And at the end of the day if they say, "I love you and you are welcome here." That's what matters. So, for me, to be met with love from conservative values
was pretty shocking because I just have so much
experience of observing media where Christians are always
paired with anti-LGBT rhetoric, and conservatism is not
compatible with this. But in my own personal life I've seen the two be
completely compatible, you can be conservative
and you can be queer, you can be Christian and
you can support LGBT people. And that's something I didn't
really think was possible, but my parents proved
me wrong in that way. (wood ticks loudly) - I feel like I grew up with
the best parents in the world. They did everything that they could to make me the best person I am today. And there were a lot of times growing up that we were going through
really difficult times, but they shielded us from that, there were times that
the lights turned off or the heat turned off, and as kids, we don't
know what's going on, we'd just ask, "Hey, what's going on? "Oh, you know, your mom
forgot to pay the bill." And all these things were hidden from us until we were way older, and we look back at those things, and we realized, no, she
didn't forget to pay the bill or we left the tags on, not because they wanted us to choose a different shirt later on, it was because there was
serious stuff going on in my family, but they shielded us from
that so that we could be kids. And my father, you know,
he took me out hunting, took me to my sports,
taught me what it was like, and how to be a man, how to be a good man, how to treat women. And conversely, my mom taught
me how to nurture women, and the things that a
mother teaches a young son. And I feel like I had the best parents, the best experience, and I can't think of anything better. - My dad's probably one of the
most soft-spoken individuals I've ever met in my entire life. But I remember instances of feeling safe because I would see him
literally snap (snaps) to dad protection mode when it came to, you know, anyone trying
to harm us or my mother, anything like that. And as far as being seen, my parents, like all of our parents, they had the expectations
we just talked about, about us being successful in our career, but I had so many wants and
desires from being a teenager, like wanting to be, "Oh, I wanna be a magician. I wanna be a skateboarder." Who was buying me magician kits? Who was buying me skateboards? Like, I had the most supportive, and I guess you can use the word, seeing parents, that
you could ever ask for. And you know, I owe them
everything that I am today, the person that I am
today is because of them. - My parents didn't
agree with my lifestyle. I came out super, super early,
I came out like around 12. And my parents are pastors
but my mom always saw me, and when I asked to dress
like a boy in like 5th grade, my dad was super resistant
'cause he kind of knew, 'cause you know when your
kids are gay early on, you just know. And I think, inherently,
they knew I was gonna be gay, and my dad was not getting jiggy with it, and my mom was like, "Let her be her, let her be her. she'll figure it out." And I lost my dad about three months ago. Parents were married 50
years, same household, the best people, I'll give you a run for your money 'cause my parents were pretty great too. And this last birthday,
my parents sent me a card, and it was the first time they've ever said
anything like this to me, which is like, "We accept you, we unapologetically accept
you and we love you." And that meant more to me
than anything in the world. 'Cause, I'm 36 years old, and finally, my mom and dad, and I needed that, and for people that are hearing this, yeah, you're kids, no
matter how old they get, they need to hear their
parents accept them and validate them, it's important, it does
make you feel good. So, yeah, my parents are pretty awesome. (wood ticks loudly) - I wanna start by saying
my dad is not the problem. My dad is super supportive; you know, he was invited to my wedding: he walked me down my aisle. And my mom wasn't invited, my mom didn't come to my wedding, my mom didn't get to do, you
know, the normal bridal stuff because she did not
agree with my lifestyle. But this is by far the
happiest that I've ever been, the most headstrong that I have been, and if she can't support that then I don't want her in my life. And a lot of my family and
friends have been kind of like, "Finally, you finally cut her out." And so, you know, it hurts sometimes, but like also I'm protecting
my kids from that exposure, that hatred, that acceptance
that she doesn't have for me. My kids don't need that. It's 2022, my kids are
the next generation. I want them to know
nothing but acceptance, loving, caring people. That's it. - (clears throat) Growing up, you know, I think think it was kind of the same way, they didn't tell me a
lot in order to protect what I would think about situations. And my dad and I, you know, I've kind of talked
about that a little bit, but we didn't have a good
relationship just because, you know, we did not connect
on any kind of level. But my mom and I really, really connected, and I felt safe with her
up until I came out to her. And it was such a bummer moment because we had such a strong relationship and I felt her just pull away
from me when that happened, and it hurt me. And we didn't talk for a little while, and she said she supported me, but her words were not
matching with her actions. And especially the past couple years with what's been going on
in the world and politics, and all of that, it seems like we're even getting
further and further apart. And it breaks my heart and it's sad, and, you know, I wanna
go back to when I was 10 and rekindle that relationship. And now that I have a family and kids, and all my family is
just so important to me that if she doesn't wanna be on board, and if she doesn't believe
in the beliefs that I have, you know, like I'm not
gonna go out of my way to try to convince you if
you're already set in your ways. And it's sad, but it's
something that has to happen. - Yeah. Brittney (chuckles), I see you, girl. Yeah, like I said before, I didn't have a safe relationship
with my mom or my dad. So I did seek some good modeling, I saw some good modeling with
my friends and their families. And actually, the first time
I ever saw somebody say, "I love you." Was at a friend's house
in like 6th or 7th grade. And I saw her mom say, "I love you." And I thought, "What?" (chuckles) They say, "I love you." And then she would sit on her mom's lap and they would hold hands, and I thought, "Oh, my God." - That's weird, huh?
- "What are they doing?" I thought it was so bizarre. Okay, I have the opposite
relationship with my daughter, we're very loving, very open, very tender. But honestly, you know, and the relationship I told
you was mended with my parents, but honestly, they're still broken, everybody's still broken, we're all broken. What mended me the most
was, I'll say it again, is having the relationship
with my true father. That's what mended me
the most out of anything that's ever happened, and I've gone to therapy,
I've gone to psychics, I've gone to everybody, and I've done everything you
can possibly think of to heal from the traumas, and nothing, nothing healed me like the relationship
with Jesus that I have, and that love, and that
security, and that tenderness, and that safe space, that's the most safe you'll ever feel because nothing that anybody
else on the planet says can matter to you when you know who you
are from the creator, 100% anybody can throw a
stick in a stone at me, none of it matters when
you know who you belong to. And so that's what I have
conveyed now to my child, that no matter what is on the outside; no matter how much pain each
of our families brings to us or our external circumstances bring to us: none of it's gonna shake us
because we know who we are. - It's kind of hard because I don't know what it's like to be a single Black mother, you know? And the struggles that come from it. You know, my dad, I have a
good relationship with him. The blessing that I
have of not being seen, and not feeling loved
is that I got to watch. So being alone, you know, the only child, being alone, I got to
see certain behaviors, and you know, I have
relatives that do drugs. I'm 33, I've never smoked
or drunk a day in my life, I've never done a lot of things, and it's because God put a hedge around me and a protection around
me to be able to watch. I understood at a very
young age what love was because I wasn't getting love, so I knew when I had my children, I knew exactly what to do. I understand that there's mental health, there's trauma, there's a lot of things that are out there that people suffer with, but how do you not know
how to love your child? Especially as a Black man being a father. Real quick: one time, me and my daughter,
we were at a restaurant, and I was getting her some food, and this Black guy is
sitting at the table, and he's like watching me and my daughter, and I'm like, you know, protection mode, like, "Why are you standing at my daughter and she's wearing this dress?" You know, I'm just like
freaking out, right? So, I paid for the food turnaround, he's behind me and he's like, "I just wanted to tell you thank you." And I'm like, "What's up?" He's like, "Dude, I've been sitting
here for three hours waiting for my baby mom
to bring my daughter here. I haven't seen her in months." And he was like, and then
like a tear came down, he was like, "I finally
got to see what I want." So to not have that, my mom, she did the best she could, I love my mother, I haven't spoke to my mom in three years, my wife hasn't spoke to her family in six. And it's because of the protection and the love that we have
in our home that it's like, "Hey, you're not gonna come to my house, and talk about my daughter
'cause she has mixed hair, and you want me to put a perm in her hair because you don't like how curly it is. No, you can go, I don't care if I never see you again. It's about my family." So the cutting-off, I'm 100% with you. But the not being seen
and not having that love, (celestial music)
the providing was there, but just not having that love, I feel like I took it
in as kind of a blessing 'cause now I get to love my kids, like. - [Host] Good job, everybody. (all applaud)
(celestial music)
