- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News.
(up-tempo music) - Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't
know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. I'm Lips London. - And I'm Poof Goof. Our top story tonight,
"There's a bird in my pocket." - Right before we went on air, a tiny bluebird flew into the studio and went right into Poof's pocket. - My goodness, this is adorable. - There was a murder but I'll be honest, I'd rather talk about this. - It's possible this is
my new favorite bird. - I agree. Before my favorite birds were... (dramatic music) - What? - Fuck me.
(Poof giggling) Blue jay, a robin, a cardinal, a flamingo, dinosaurs were technically birds, a pterodactyl-- - Sorry, dinosaurs were technically birds? - I was just listening to an
NPR story about this, Brad. - I believe that you mean,
birds were technically dinosaurs not all dinosaurs were birds. - He has a point. - Oh, god damn it, I don't
know if I know five more birds. - Perhaps a seagull. - A seagull?
- Seagull. - You can pick an owl, or a hawk, even. - Owl, hawk.
- Owl, pigeon, hawk. - Dove. - Big Bird, does he count? - Duck! - Duck? There you go. - Is another one of my favorite birds. - Really? Why was that the last one? - Which last one? Because a duck is adorable. Because a duck swims. And is therefore covered in water. As a Cancer, I'm a water sign. - Makes sense. Fascinating, anyhoo three people are dead in a brutal slaying in, oh my. - What is it? - [Poof] Birds moving in my pocket. - What does that feel like? - It just feels a little, a little tickly! It feels like feathers,
soft feathers, moving softly and oh, now rapidly on my skin. It's invigorating. - Interesting, say more about that. - It feels, it feels really, really soft and flappy, nope, now there's
a little bit of a peck. There's a, oh the bird has moved around to the small of my back and
it is now moving up my jacket. Up my jacket a little bit and it's, oops, now it's just straight-up pecking me. - Terrific.
- It's kinda painful. - We've used up all of our murder time, so we'll move on to entertainment news with our own Gooey Anderson, Gooey! - Thanks Lips. Well, Oscar season is underway. Last night the Hollywood
Reporter hosted a round table of some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Now, our camera's weren't allowed in, so I'll do an impression
of all the celebrities. - That's great, you're known
for your impressions Gooey. - I am. So it started off with
Robert DiNiro and he was like "I'm walkin' 'ere." - That's Al Pacino! I'm sorry, Dustin Hoffman! - I'm gonna do this segment
and you're gonna be quiet. - Definitely Dustin Hoffman. - And then Julia Roberts
said "I'm walkin' 'ere!" And now you won't believe
me but then President Obama showed, this doesn't
feel, everybody cheered and he was like (laughter). Uh, he, I can't, uh, "I'm walkin' ere!" Oh fuck, which of course
that meant that Peter could Jesus Christ, Peter
Griffin had to come on stage and say fuck me. "And I'm fucking I'm walkin' here." - I officially should have had this role. - Then of course the
last speaker of the night was a big friendly brown
bear, you really should've, who only wanted, a big friendly brown bear who only wanted some honey. She was like (groans). - Made it .2 seconds into that impression. - It's not, they're not (laughing). I gotta keep doing it, fuck. This is torture. Mmm honey! Come on, please it's no, I'm walkin' here. All right, (laughs) back
to you in the studio! - Thanks Gooey, finally
tonight an editorial word from our station president,
Dr. Tristan Chambers. A word of warning, Dr.
Chambers is a total perv. - Hello everyone, I'm Dr.
Chambers, and I'm going to make a list for you of all the
things that turn me on. - Dr. Chambers, the FCC has
asked that your editorials be related to the news. - I think it's newsworthy
that I get burned by unlikely animal friends. - Oh Jesus. - What, everyone loves
unlikely animal friends! If there's a video of a cat and a fox taking a nap together, or
a hedgehog and and otter sharing a piece of cabbage we all get wet. (dramatic music) - False. - Okay, keep lying! (group laughing) Here's a list of more things that make my big stupid Johnson hard. (group laughing) Bookstores, pineapples,
those thick straws that only fast food restaurants give you, when actors in plays turn out to talk straight to the audience, cans that don't have the
pull tab so you have to say to yourself, Jesus, do
I even own a can opener? Just the top part of butts
before you get to the crack, obvious lies, when the
person in front of you at the coffee shop gets to
the counter and they're like Hm what should I get? Like they've never been
in a coffee shop before. Earbud headphones, and of course... titties! - I hated hearing that. - We all did, oh fuck. Before we go, we should
announce that this week's loser is Elaine Carroll. - No! The bird died when he said titties. (group laughing) - Oh, I'll tell you, incredible. - Big loser. Oh, and my chair just went. - I love that this guy will slap his ass on an Instagram video, but can't do a two-second bear impression. (group laughing) - Guys listen, if the script
had said show us your ass I would have been golden. But you want me to do a
Barak Obama impression? Come on! - Brandon, I love that you got this job with a Tim Curry impression. - And I'm gonna milk
it for all it's worth. - And you just did a Tim Curry impression.
