- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood California! The only news team that
doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is, Breaking News. (transition music) - Good evening everyone! Welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. I am body swapped with
a twelve year old boy, somebody please help me
this body is old as hell. - And I'm Stuart Big. Our first story of the evening, the Twin Fields Mall
is finally closing its' doors after twenty-five years. Residents will no longer
be able to go and try to tap the directory
thing but it won't listen, not everything needs to be a touchscreen. - The Twin Fields Mall? That's where I went second
base for the first time, that was last week, I'm twelve years old. I should be in school, right now. - No more going to the Apple store and challenging the so-called, "geniuses." - When I go to the Apple store, I find the biggest iPad they have and subscribe to a bunch of Patreon's on my step-dad's credit card, I'm twelve! - And lastly, mall fans
will now sadly have to go elsewhere to get
their authentic Japanese cuisine found in the food court. - SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! - Maybe later. - In personal news, I miss my mommy. (wheezing laughter) I don't know how to drive and I had to do it to get here. (giggling) And on top of all of
that, I look like shit. (laughing) I mean seriously look at
me, I was a hot twelve year old, (stifled laughter) We can say that? - I think the twelve year
old can think they're hot. - Maybe, what is this? Now I've got this face that
sucks and body to match, I'm being very mean to
whoever's body this is. - Democracy dies in darkness. (laughter) Now, onto the latest in gaming! - Thanks, thanks so much Stewart! (laughter) - Try the face. - No. - Ohh, it begins. - Uh, thanks so much Stewart. Man this gaming stuff
just keeps getting better, there's a very popular
game franchise that has dancing, I'm not allowed
to say the name of it but it's one you can
play in a fort at night. There are a bunch of
dances that I think should be in that game, again
these are dances that I think should be in that game but are not as doing those dances would violate the copyright of this very litigious game. And again I haven't named the game, it could be any game
that would be great fun to play, for tonight. This first dance is
called, "the bunny bounce." - Great, let's see it. - And then, (stifled laughter) - That's it, that's it, you just go to the right and to the left. Oh man! I crushed that, time
for another, this one's called, "absolutely fucking go nuts." (gibberish) (laughter) - Whoa there are lyrics? (continuous laughter) - There are lyrics to the dance! - Oh yeah, oh yeah. - Woogity boogity. - I was just saying woogity boogity. (laughter) - Do the face, do the face. (laughter) - Nope, okay okay. Oh wow, I'm not tired at all! Oh no, this one's called,
"the Steinfeld but not the Elane" dance. (laughter) - Is that a knife? (wheezing laughter) - I just, I panicked
and now I'm leaning in. (crying laughter) - Oh a very very
reserved, "the sprinkler." - He's got a microphone, that's what I - I thought that was a knife. - Got a microphone and
you're doing comedy so you're kind of panicking, okay um (coughing) (continues laughing) - You are crushing! (deep breath) - And that was just the first half of (giggling) - Ahhh, here's the (laughter) - Here's the very own, oh no! Here's the very different second half (laughter) Yeah, yeah. - In which part of Seinfeld's career does that relate to? - Oh I forgot! (continues laughing) - I forgot it was Seinfeld, I mean (wheezing laugh) (gibberish) - I don't know, the
early part of Seinfeld, (deep breaths) I could go all night and I might. - Sorry, what's the name of
this next dance coming up? - Here's "how I fuck." (laughter) - No no, - IT'S THE SAME AS THE! - That looks very similar to
part two of the Seinfeld dance! - WOW, incredible! - Yeahh, yeah. - Wow! - Wow that sucked, I
absolutely hated that. This is how I fuck. (wheezing laughter) - Now I do want to point
out that I'm technically anchor one, Rekha just
really wanted to do this. (laughter) - Rekha, - Oh no! Wow! - No no, - This is getting, - No I think Rayken really, Should we switch for the
rest of this segment? - You have to get up! You know what, you have
to, twelve year old you have to get up and do that, I think! I think that's bout criers right? - No I think we dodged a bullet there. - Wow this is getting me all horned up. In other news the Twin
Fields Mall has just been saved, thanks to the
generous donation from the towns beloved billionaire, we cut now live to said billionaire. - Thanks, I have purchased
the Twin Fields Mall and I'm going to tear it down because I'm starting my own
country, the laws in my new country are extensive and ruthless, I will lay them out now. Rule number one, handshakes
for men, hugs for women. This is the main reason
I'm starting a new country. (laughter) - Sorry what? (more laughter) I'm going fully off
script, what happens when a man and women introduce
themselves to each other? - I'll show you. (laughter) Number two! (laughter) Prime is spine, - Later, I guess! - Crime is fine but don't go nuts with it. Number three, you don't need to ask for permission to go to the bathroom, you can just go! - Aww, nice! - And number four, we
will only air Tarantino movies without all the weird foot scenes. - Oh no! That's right, I'm twelve
and horny for feet already. In fact in this body,
I feel shame about that which means this person needs to work on their sex positivity. - You certainly have a lot going on, kind of exhausting for me. - Yes, I think exhausting for all of us. Ah all right, anyways, surprising nobody this weeks loser is, and returning champ, Amy Vorpahl! (light clapping) Oh god. - That's feels, that feels right. - Transcendent joy,
thank you to everyone for watching, this is been Breaking News. - And Amy if I'm correct
there's a third part to that Seinfeld dance? - Yeah, and don't forget this is Seinfeld. (howling laughter) - He's taking a bow, he's
basking in his riches, he's driving comedians. - He's rich and he wants
comedians to get in his car.
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That was actually really fun to watch 😂
This is it. This is the dream. Working all day with my friends and laughing until I cry.