Diagnosing Fake Illnesses w/ Lunch Club

hi and welcome back to my show I'm Carson the doctor today we have a very special guest with us please come in sir let's see what's wrong with you today oh well I what's wrong with you tell me I'm gay doctor I have a serious problem what's your problem tell me I'm gonna die why we all are we're all gonna die oh no every single one of us I'm gonna die doctor you're gonna die that's not good that's not good we have to get out of here okay all right let's go let's go no okay wait I feel it I feel it coming on no no I think this yeah just what is it I can't I can't I can't help you we'll help you oh my god am i dead are you are you an angel oh I'm gonna help you okay so you think you're dead I know I'm dead you you're dead too you think everyone's dead mm-hmm that's okay so why does that scare you mm-hmm I think it used to but it doesn't anymore I'm dead you're dead okay we're all dead we're gonna figure out a way to solve this okay okay so tell me more so well you're you beefed it and I'm [ __ ] right I'm out what does that mean it means we're dead uh-huh okay so yeah um what's this is this my new name in the afterlife no no is this was like go by now it was just kind of what I said oh I didn't know what else to write I'm honored please call me by my new by my new name oh my god okay so is awesome here what about this I think we're killing it I feel like I'm trying to cope okay well I feel like it's not a problem that you think everyone's dead right I think it's just it's just the way it is right are you you've come to accept it as well yeah oh this is dogs we're all dead it's not problem right yeah I guess so I guess we're all done I guess we're all done get the [ __ ] outta my awesome thanks for having me got me up man yeah that's right I'm gonna jump off something what's the play go jiving do anything what am I gonna die twice see ya consider it solved hey how's it going my folder upside down my life's upside down Oh what's wrong with you well please tell me doctor a I just don't know what's wrong with me what I just don't know you don't know listen man something's been up with me ever since the accident and I just can't figure out what it is what was the accident well I bought a camera yeah and I made a YouTube channel okay your problem is that you're a Walgreens I don't want to be okay but it's just it's just I can't stop talking like a youtube vlogger and I need help and I need likes here's the problem and your comments wide subscriptions oh no it's super chance I don't why not I don't know I don't I oughta snowy to super chat no one does okay well do you know how to like I can you add me to your favorites I could okay dude can you help me I mean yeah I can I want you to take out your phone okay Oh this video has 700,000 views oh that's pretty good you shouldn't you should delete that you telling me to throw it all the way I'm telling you told me to throw it all away listen I need you to give me your phone I don't want it what are you gonna do need you give me your phone you gonna listen I'm gonna listen doctor what are you here garbage content what yeah no you're garbage you're trash that's me root X you're absolutely bad you need more haters as what any more likes you need more haters here's your phone Thanks I just deleted your channel you're sitting you i'm saved i'm saved okay go read a Bible [Laughter] [Applause] then I pour it in no it's just tell me your problem holy [ __ ] he's [ __ ] dead I don't think I've solved two out of 90 patients and I'm gonna be honest I I'm a I have a PhD hey that where are they getting these problems come in make sure you'd be able to help me I don't know man I honestly I'm kind of sick of everyone [ __ ] I'll be honest guys just tell me what you got would you just you read the note you said no huh huh yeah that's funny that's fine sorry I'm afraid of you what you're afraid of me like you're like me specifically or like well what you are makes me afraid of you uh-huh there's a lot of people in here that I'm afraid of are you like boys are you afraid of boys no there's people in here that I am afraid of but there's so many I can't say it I'm so confused so I need you describe your human I'm incredibly afraid of but I read more on people we movie boo be boo W boo boo boo be boo be boo boo no no no no oh okay I was more of just like doc I need help okay I can't get enough of it Oh shucks like I can't get enough of it oh yeah okay get enough of it luck all right I need more first up and down left and right I need to cover myself in dirt all the time I want to be a big pot of soil oh I can't take the [ __ ] [Applause] hello and welcome back to what the [ __ ] is wrong with you with dr. Ted I'm dr. Ted and I'm gonna figure out what the [ __ ] is wrong with these patients today we have a very special guest today he comes from the middle of [ __ ] nowhere I don't know where the hell he comes from and he's kind of an enigma come on in hi welcome okay I can't even read this one okay it's in crayon it's in crayon illiterate genuinely no idea what that says genuinely it was genuinely illiterate doctor what's going on I'm the doctor when I walked in you called me ugly mm-hmm it's true I'm used to it right right cuz I got a cat oh and he's he's even worse than that I've got some pictures of him actually and this is the reason why I brought this oh that's that's he called he called me a little girl Oh when I got this camera and I just don't really know why he wants to be this mean yeah I've got I know I want to show you what he looks like so that you can have a better idea okay I don't know if you can see him but there he is right there right there okay yeah that's a he can't he's do you see his face he's pretty terrifying he is and he won't stop making fun of me calls me fat calls me ugly your cat is speaking to you yeah he forgot to mention that yeah it's kind of it was kind of like wow how does that happen yeah that's what and then are you'd think that you know if a cat was was talking had the ability to talk that he'd he might say something like oh you know bye bye you might say something like feed me or you know pet me or something like or like just talk about what's going on in the cat community right yeah yeah well here's the thing what was your name again sure what okay Schlag I can't knock the cat for calling you ugly because at the end of the day that's just true but what I can suggest to you is that maybe you just stop feeding your cat okay thank you so much flat for coming by thank you um thank you appreciate you coming on if I get a picture I'm sure sure now fuck'em and snake again I got it [ __ ] out of my office [Music] all right let's bring our next patient out hi welcome I'm a big fan of your work yeah your you got a firm down oh okay so um I'm here cuz I have a problem oh yeah what's your problem what's your name actually yeah so my name is my name is Charlie all right that reminds me of the Chocolate Factory Oh remember all those kids you killed do you remember that Charlie well Charlie's the kid remember to remember kids I can't look at myself every day in the mirror okay in fact I can't look at anyone in the mirror are you in fact I can't look at mirrors oh my god what's on your face what's on your face air glass take them off take them off they're the light is off all the way all the way all the way oh my god that's better holy [ __ ] glasses are you serious you're wearing glasses so are you afraid of reflection is that what's going on here I don't want to think about it Ted you don't want to think about reflections cuz then I'd have to reflect on it I think that we've solved his issue by our just completely ignoring it we said um go [ __ ] yourself I'm talking Ted I can't see anything anymore oh my god I took him to my glasses I can't see reflections cuz I can't see anything have my own show oh my god thank you so much thank you so much thank you come on please don't touch me okay thank you so much okay I appreciate it all right let's bring our next patient in how'd you do today yeah what's going on what's your name my name is Noah no like the Ark okay so what's going on Noah what the [ __ ] up with you [ __ ] at night oh maybe since we went to Australia been stuck okay so V bees okay hey stop panting VBS does a very strange eyestrain accent oh excuse my can still you can't stop what the [ __ ] is a BB okay so I'm speaking Oh stray oh okay as if it's a difference VB okay don't Nick over would you prefer a file but if I hit you with an Australian accent to have this conversation surely all right so why don't you break down all the problems that you've experienced up until today right strewth mate it's a pleasure to being like company what the [ __ ] are you talking about can so you speak to a fellow or stream how you goin surely it's going so all right let me let me tell you story why are you still right all right went astray right when you can't be [ __ ] out in the bush nice crikey made it was nice tight padded a couple VBS [ __ ] off came back to the states delicious cannot stop speaking Australian so try not to rip it out one rip out the billable rip rip rip run rip but I say it in American Ripper sure duck yeah I'm Howard they all come back to American right male right man how you doing there alright so this is a problem seems that I'm taking on your Australian accent in your free to count so this is a problem they oh I don't now had a [ __ ] fix my this is [ __ ] up this is [ __ ] [ __ ] or I can't [ __ ] speak stop speaking it'll spark it up strided what the [ __ ] it's not funny now is it thank you can keep me in Australian their [ __ ] sighting you think you can I reckon I rock alright yeah alright I'm back to American now don't [ __ ] put he's dead he's dead he's dead no he okay can we [ __ ] fire this guy pls can somebody stop with the deadpan gonna do the [Music] so what seems to be your problem Oh what brings you here what brings you here mm-hmm serious it's serious isn't it oh this is bad name occupation mm-hmm date of birth oh oh I see you wouldn't you weren't born you weren't born you were made here sorry we let's let's get comfortable let's get comfortable here she like one it's good well you gotta walk you talking to the dudes back in HQ what's going on there what's the sitch listen IIM a I am a doctor yeah we're good credentials what what do you mean what are your credentials because this is [ __ ] up what's what what is this was in there what is this you know what this is this is what are you doing this is my office I am in love with call me Carson I'm not qualified for this he tweets I need to respond okay he does anything okay if Carson was here what would you do with that uh-huh - what - which oh so people keep materializing on my set so this time we're actually gonna call someone in that we meant to have here welcome Cooper everybody yet one person is a big fan what's your issue buddy let's figure this out you and me let's figure it out together I have no sense of object permanence where do so what is that what does that mean now how do we where do things go when I can't see them doctor okay Cooper I'm gonna try it I'm gonna try and exercise yes what sticking out from sticky note the folder okay the what is this stick you know it's here yes yeah okay I'm going to try something where is it now in your hand what about here how'd you break in half it's okay it's back like a lot of paper how'd you break it mm-hmm how'd I do it all right Cooper follow the sticky note you've got this bring them back no know where they are oh I don't know where they are there's no ruffling there there's nothing in there doctor they're right here it's a what do you kid are you a magician little guy there's a rabbit in there no this [ __ ] not what do you see here nothing it's worse than I thought what everyone go everything is gone goodbye oh where did that what was that what hit you God [Music] two men real quick okay so you see this pen right yeah okay where is it it's in your blazer oh thank god oh my god I can't stop hearing the screams the screams what do they sound like they sound like fourteen-year-old immigrant girls in the early 20th century it's getting hot in here don't know it's not patient does this symbol mean anything to you two triangle sides three yeah that's right that's right it's a no it's lot it's locked what do you mean the door not again I'm trapped in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory again Charlie I'm going to burn to death but let's like jump out the window hey didn't see you there we are back with what is your name I'm doctor I'm dr. Charlie that's my thing yep doctor like it says on the why do you have a folder of it oh well that's that's what I'm here to help you with that's what I'm here to help you it oh okay I can do that it's most people don't come in but okay what's your problem I God what what's your issue oh my gosh what's your problem he keeps doing the thing with his eyes I keep doing my eyes oh my god you just did it you're scared of blinking you're scared are you scared of blinking that's fine my eyes are drying out you got to tell me a little more okay help you how how do I help you doctor that's me is this separate from the blinking problem you also can't you just can't communicate unless it's through manila folders you all have made a [ __ ] mockery of me on this show so there's one more patient I'd like to have on and let's hope he's a good one Mason Mason come over here [Music] handshake what's your problem what's your problem I'm here to help you oh yeah I'm here I'm here to help you maybe I can write something down for you maybe I can help you out oh my god what are you some Scott who are you like a [ __ ] squirrel or something what are you doing you scared of me oh you're scared of me where'd it go I think it's okay Mason nope I'm walking back Hey open your eyes open your eyes I'm a nurse I'm gonna fix you up I'm not a doctor anymore I'm a nurse that's okay it's completely different let me take your heart or whatever yeah come here is that how that works sure beep boop boop you're [ __ ] up hello me doctor um what is wrong with you let's find out let's find out what's wrong with me I have a serious issue uh-huh I think it would be better if I if I wrote it down and showed you said okay can I just see that for a second you're going to get your own paper that's alright that's okay I have some paper here hi can I have the thank you could I have the pen too you're asking for so much I need the pen from you also thank you oh my god it's kind of chilly in here that's why I wore layers oh yeah you've got to I got none could you just kind of know all right that's fine so what brings you here today you have the issue I'm here to help you out no just got to tell me what's wrong you're what's wrong I'm not what's wrong give me the pen why did you why did you schedule this appointment you did I need to take notes give me the pen okay you're what's wrong right now and I know exactly why why what's wrong with me when you look at that what do you see I see what I write can I listen to them no you can't listen to the notes let me listen to you no let me see what it's like Li's don't do it yes okay you see right here this is you and then you flew over the chair uh-huh bang right on the head you think I got my head banged up uh-huh you think I got my head banged up I think you got your head banged up let me sit in the seat bang right on to him no no right on the head let me send the seat I'm the therapist the seats right here and see you flew right over the seat and then you hit your head right on the head that makes sense actually this what's wrong yeah bang right on the head right on the head who you I'm the doctor no uh-uh uh-uh what hello and welcome to my doctor's office I have one guest one's all I need Carson come right this way that's me nice to see you today sorry where's your okay pour depth perception Carson I asked my clients not to judge me on my winners but on my losers because I have so few okay what else you I don't know what my therapist keeps speaking Spanish what do you mean I speaking English everything I hear sounds like I don't know what do you like I'm speaking English that's not no hablo are you buddy okay let's let's let's get down to business you think I'm speaking Spanish yeah okay poor King did he say do you say see okay when I spoke English to him he said I was speaking Spanish he doesn't know Adams you look so funny right now I love this this is rich Nino do you say cheese cheese got it today could I go I haven't cured you okay how did you know what I just said I'm speaking to you see what the cards yes I'm not speaking Spanish well I know I do you think English sounds like spam well you were speaking Spanish why are you able to respond to me now I don't understand what's happening have you heard of duolingo do you know that that that dog that stupid ass rat yeah they're at the green rat and the duelling will think of that how does that make you feel when you think of the duolingo rent I want to tie that [ __ ] up hmm and why had it why what why I mean I just kind of would get rid of it okay it's kind of like easy to speak Spanish to you yeah mmm he goes see that's all I know does he say no as well no no yes wait CeCe what's another bit let me go no I mean I'm I'm here this is my only patient on a month okay figured I'd make the most out of it okay I charge by the second yeah what is this okay can I see this that's Cuba where is this is that Mexico what is that I've no idea [Music]

Channel: Lunch Club

Views: 4,197,115

Rating: 4.9837756 out of 5

Keywords: Lunch Club, Carson, CallMeCarson, Slimecicle, Traves, schlatt, jschlatt, ted nivison, hugbox, cscoop, fake illnesses, psych chair, psychiatry, diagnosing fake illnesses, psychology

Id: UizgfFs1uyM

Length: 26min 17sec (1577 seconds)

Published: Mon May 11 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/FROST_27]

Traves reading the card wrong captures his entire essence

[u/IAmTheGlazed]

Can we keep australian noah?

[u/pingpo368]

loved that