- What I'm gonna do tonight is I'm gonna try out some jokes, You know, do some jokes. Hopefully they work, and if they don't, then I'll never see y'all
again so it don't matter. Also, I only wrote black material, White people, I didn't
know y'all was coming, so just sit there and take that shit. So I was eating dinner with
these white devils last week. All right, I won't do those jokes. Learn how to live in the now. A lot of motherfuckers don't
know how to live in the now. What we got going on right
now, this is called the now. A lot of people don't
know how to live in this 'cause they livin' they
lives off some shit that happened in the
past or they're so busy concerned about the future,
no one lives in the now. This space is very vacant. It's why a lot of
relationships don't work. You gotta learn how to
live in the now and shit. You know, a lot of people
know how to do that. I met with these big
agents one time and I was shoulder to shoulder them when we was about to celebrate, it was these three
Jewish guys and we like, yo, let's kick it, let's go hang out. I'm like, fuck it, let's go kick it, and I was like, I got
my car and I pulled up. I'm like, come on, get
in the car, let's go, and I had a Mercedes at the
time and they looked at my car and they was like, nah,
we're not getting in that. And at the time I didn't
know what was going on so I talked to another friend
of mine and he was like, well, they probably didn't
want to get in your car, 'cause it was a German made car. I did not know that that was a thing. I was like, wow. I hate that I disrespected
them, but I didn't know. Then I start thinking, well shit, that shit happened a while ago. Like... I ain't telling them to
forget they past or nothing, but motherfucker, shit, we missing out on millions
of fucking dollars right now. Why did you hold on to
that shit like that? Fuck that. That's like me going to
the doctor getting a shot and they coming there with a cotton ball, and I go, "Oh no you not
gon' put that cotton on me. I will beat your ass if
you put some cotton on me." - So I went to Birmingham, Alabama people and it was all right, I had a good time. I experienced that Southern hospitality, the shows were great, and they put me in a very nice hotel. Very nice, I was very surprised by this. I'll tell you why. I'm from England. All I know about Alabama
is from your movies so I wasn't expecting to
be staying in a nice hotel. I was expecting to be staying in a shack on a swamp run by some guy wearing overalls who referred to me as "Boy!" That's what I was expecting. So I was very surprised by the hotel. I thought, oh, this is lovely. This is very civilized, this is wonderful. I basically treated Alabama the way white people treat
Africa the first time they go. You know I'm talking about white people, you turn up in Africa for the
first time, you're like, wow, They have cars and shoes and shit. That's how I was in Alabama. I was like, wow, they have
electricity and teeth. A lot of black people in Alabama. That shocked me, I was
really surprised by that. I was like, wow, lot of black people. I got off the plane and I
was saw the black people and I ran up to 'em and I was like that, You know, you can leave, right? You don't even have to go
underground, you can just drive! - I never had the opportunity to visit a third world country before, but I have been to a Ross Dress for Less. Those bad boys are war torn y'all. I don't know if I'm
supposed to be shopping or giving a donation. I get confused when I go in there. Should I have brought a bag of apples and a box of tissues for the hungry running those children in here? I came in desiring a cheese grater and I'm walking out with a
heavy heart, this is terrible. My God. Yo, this dude tried to
holler at me at Ross, y'all. I was like, oh no, no, no, no, sir. I was like, we're supposed
to be incognito in here. I don't see you, you don't see me. Buy your socks and bounce. We can't do this here. Your love story can't start at Ross. That doesn't sound right does it? - People still having babies and shit. Are you crazy? Are you crazy? That's so crazy to me
having a baby right now. That's a liability, a baby? What? Shit pop off, you gotta run with a baby. Are you thinking?
Do you watch the news? Look outside, you know? I get like the Facebook
notifications with the sonogram. I'm like, look at this fucking idiot. Like why would you have a baby right? Like I feel if you got kids,
you gotta ask them right now. What skills are you bringing to the table? Do you run fast? Fucking crossbow, herbs and spices. Like you gotta have something or you gonna
get left behind. I'm just saying. Shit is crazy. Shit is crazy. It's fucking weird times. Why would you have a baby right now? It's crazy. I suppose in the end, we'll all need something to eat, right? Too dark. I will eat your fucking
baby in the end times. I will eat your baby in the end times is all I'm saying. Yeah, people be like, oh little toes, I can just eat them! When they say it, it's okay, but when I say it and I mean it from the bottom of my fucking heart, it's a problem? It's a problem?
Okay. All right, all right. - Little things I miss, you know, being in person with people. Let me tell you something. I'm sick of Zoom, a'ight? I'm sick of Zoom, I'm sick to people on Zoom
don't know how to use Zoom. They don't know how to
get the volume right. Couple months ago during the summer, my boy Tracy Morgan calls me up. He's like, "Yo man." He's like, "Yo, I'm about
to do this fundraiser. I'm raising money for people on the front line, man." I said, "Yo, that's dope." I said, "What you gonna do?" He's like, "I'm doing a Zoom telethon." I said, "Yo, that's fire, man. Who you gonna have there?" He was like, "Yo, Imma have Will Smith, I'm gonna have a 50 Cent,
Chris Rock, Monique, Denzel Washington." I say, "Yo, that's dope." He was like, "Yo, I want you on it." I was like, "Oh, I don't know. I'm not that famous yet." He's like, "Nah, just tell
people you Don Cheadle. Nobody know the difference." But it was ill 'cause I imagine Tracy just over there like, "Yo listen, I wanna welcome
y'all to the Zoom call. You on Zoom right now. You got these people on Zoom, I want y'all to welcome, y'all earning money for the
people on the front line. You know people for
money on the front line. Who we got on here?" "Yo Trace yo what's up man? Yo, this is Will Smith, man. Yo, it's good talking to you." Yo, how you doing? "Yo, Yo, I'm doing real good, man. Yo you know, we just, we just wrapped. We did the new, the Fresh Prince reunion. I even hooked up with Black Aunt Viv, not the light skinned one." Yo I seen that, but I'm
saying how you doing? Yo I'm doing good. No, Will, listen, listen. I watched the Red Table Talk. How you doing papa? How you doing? Yo, you know what? Yo, it's all good. No, I'm just saying, you know, you got be. Yo Trace, don't worry, man, it's all good. It ain't all good. It ain't all good! Yo Chris Rock, what's goin' on? I ain't all good Will, be honest. You know it wasn't no good. It wasn't no good. Your wife out there doing
things you ain't want her to do. Yo Chris, yo it's fine man. No, it's not. Will, Will, entanglement? Entanglement? What is she, a cat with a ball of yarn? That's what she doin'? Entanglement? - Listen, I'm Nigerian, okay. 100% Nigerian, all right? I was fucking born here,
but I'm still African, but people question me,
you know what I mean? Even Nigerians after the show question my Nigerian-ness when I fucking explained it
and they think they're slick. They'd be like, "Godfrey,
Godfrey, we enjoyed your show." That's how Nigerians talk. They talk with a face. "We enjoyed your show. You said you are Nigerian. What part?" Because you know what I'm saying? Just because I talk like this. There's a lot of Africans born here. We talk normal, like yo I'm
from the Congo, all right. I'm from Nigeria. They want us to be like, hello everybody. I am happy to be here, and they want us to laugh like this. Get the fuck outta here, man. What do you want? Do this too? Fuck. What is your name? Junior. - Sick of explaining shit. I have been talk about my acting. I have been some real shit. Just how people asking about it. I don't know the answers that y'all want. Why they kill you in "Empire"? Motherfucker I don't know. We like "Empire," that's a good show. Why they kill you? They gonna bring you back? Yes, all that, I dunno. You think if I knew I
was going die that day I'd have showed up to work? I should've knew
something was gonna happen 'cause I went to the table read and in Hollywood at the table read that's when everybody get a script and I ain't had no script. Yo Taraj, you got a script? Yeah boo. Yo you drip, drip, drip,
dippity drop nigga. You got a script? Yeah, I got a script. But I like the role because
it showed a different side of what I'm able to do, and I like stepping outside of the comedy to show I got that dramatic side, so I was upset when I died on the show, I was upset and as I was leaving, Terrence Howard tried to
talk to me and I was like, I don't wanna talk to this nigga. Now yes, he's one of the
greatest actors on earth that advice would probably
be great, but I don't, no, not right now nigga, I just died. "Deray, what you wanna do, let me explain what you should do because if I was in the same situation, you know what I'm saying?
What I would do." Nigga, you really talk like that? "Yeah, I dunno." He about to cry. "I ain't about to, 'cause
I'm bout to, I dunno. 'Cause every time I do." "Can you breathe?" "I don't know if I can breathe or not. He came, ask me questions,
interruptin' when I." "Stop doing that." "Somebody put my voice on
vibrate a long time ago. They never took my voice off vibrate and sometimes I fade out." What? What? "Sometimes." What? Sometimes. - This is what I love about men. Y'all, y'all don't care. It doesn't matter what's
going on, y'all can get horny, y'all can get sexual over anything. I try to run to them for sympathy. I run in the house, they
playing Call of Duty. I'm like. They not paying no attention to me. I was like, "Man, I can't
believe I caught my chick naked in the bed with another chick." It was like, like a record just stopped. Even the dude in the Call of Duty game put his gun down was like "What?" All the zombies is like, "Ah?" My boy's like, "You caught
your chick naked in bed with another chick? Oh, Chaunte, sit down
and tell us everything that happened. That is just so sad. I can't believe she did that to you. Was they fully naked?
Damn. It's okay, tell us everything." I'm thinking they with me
and stuff so I'm like, "Well, you know, I woke up in the
morning and I try to call her." They like, "Nah, fast forward that shit. Get to the part you caught
'em both naked in the bed. Matter of fact, when you walked in, what position was they actually in?" They like, "Get the fuck outta here. That is just crazy. They were 69in'? That is so fucked up, man. So where was you at? Ah, you was watching? - I'm into that old ghetto sex though. Yeah, I like to just pull
my panties over to the side. They put me in the headlock and huh. Push the bitch into the
microwave or some shit. That's cold as shit. I don't like that boring ass sex. That's why I don't like watching pornos. Black pornos turn me off, 'cause Black people shit
be all up fucked up. Ain't no sheet on the bed, lamp shade leanin', this bitch nail is broke, her knees is ashy, this nigga got on his socks. This is some bullshit. - I'm a big music fan, man. You like music, sir? What's your favorite music? - Hiphop.
- Hip hop? You lying like a motherfucker. Yo nigga don't even try that shit! You say that like a hostage, "Hip hop." What about R&B? I'm a R&B head, I'm old school. Old school motherfucker. I'm old school, I grew up. I'm old school, I like shit
you can grind off of and shit. I grew up, we had fuck tapes. You know what a fuck tape is? Little girl, do you know
what a fucking fuck tape is? No you don't, you're like
just send me the link, send me the link. Send me a link. A fuck tape is a tape
that you fuck off of. It helps you with your
rhythm, your stamina. It's like a Fitbit for your dick. You know how long you been in the pussy by what track you on. You like this, "Oh, I'm
only on track three? I'm about to give her the dick-dick! And then your tape would pop, you be fucked up, just
an uncoordinated dick, but no rhythm. Then it came out with fuck CDs. You know what a fuck CD is? A fuck CD is a fuck tape on the CD. And it was the shit as long
as you ain't have no scratch in your CD. You have a scratch your CD, that shit will always
skip at the wrong time. You right in the groove, you like. ♪ Girl ♪ You don't wanna stop
fucking, you just fuck fast. Whatever bitch. You know you don't like hiphop. You know you a country motherfucker. - Something about that old school boy, when you getting that
double E's on, ain't it? When I say double E I
mean shit that happened with a double E and it like sometimes you walking down the street, mindin' your business, thinking you cute, and then outta nowhere your knee say, "Hey, I'ma bitch Imma bend. I'm gonna take a knee right here bitch." That's a double E zone 'cause you always got a
double E issue with your body. If it ain't your knee,
it's your teeth, ain't it? How your teeth get brand
new in your forties? And why do dentists think
they a fucking mechanic? Know you take your car for one thing, then they tell you some
other shit going on. That's how the dentist do. You know I go in there, I had a toothache. This shit ain't even real. It's a half a tooth in my head. I come in there, I tell
her, bitch my teeth hurt. She say, I'm gonna have
to get some x-rays. The tooth over here, this bitch was getting x-rays over here. I said, "Hey, bitch why you on this side?" She said, "I think I see a cavity comin'." I said, "Well, close
your goddamn eyes bitch, 'cause that ain't your
goddamn business over there." And what is it about the dentist that wanna be a hero to your teeth? You go in there, your
teeth kicking your ass. It's like, "Hey, this
motherfucker killing me. Get it out." This bitch say, "I can save the tooth." From who bitch? I'm the victim in this situation. Pull the tooth, save the bitch. That's my motto, I live by that. I'm living that double E life, but I'll tell you what, if it ain't your teeth
and if it ain't your knee, another double E we experience, you laugh a little too hard and you pee. Sometimes, don't be a little bitch, some
of y'all gotta wet right now. Don't be a whole lot, just enough to make you smell like R Kelly girlfriend, just a little. But I tell y'all what, it's one double E we be
looking for, don't we? When you get old school, it's a double E that you used to run from, used to hide from, but now
when you see that bitch, you know, you love it don't you? You know the double E. Sleep. Oh, some of you motherfuckers
want a nap right now. You ever take a nap that lasts so long you gotta get up and get ready for bed? That ever happen to you? I be like "Oh shit! It's almost my bed time. Why ain't y'all wake me up? Y'all know I don't like
to be late for bed. - Quit it, y'all are
very supportive, but yes, I did bring my purse on stage. I did. 'Cause I said, I don't know y'all, okay? I don't know y'all in this life, I am from Harlem, and I got
to keep an eye on my items. Okay? Just watch it, so now I
can relax, I can focus. I am so happy to be in New York honey! Gorgeous, wonderful. I needed it. I live in Los Angeles now
and I don't recommend it. I really don't, I really don't, and I know being a New
Yorker who doesn't like LA is very cliche, but it's my truth, okay, and I'm a whistleblower if nothing else. It's just little things, you know I'm not an outdoorsy person, and look, I know how science works. Okay, I know that there
is one sun for this earth. However, the sun in Los
Angeles is different. It's different. It really is honey. It's brighter, it's
aggressive, it's judgmental. That's a fact. It is, it is! Because I have blackout
curtains in my bedroom 'cause I'm a grown woman with stuff to hide, naturally, naturally, and yet every morning I am still awakened, by that one strip of sun, okay? That one strip between the
curtain and the window pane every morning hits my
eyeball, and it's like, why aren't you hiking? That's it. That's it. And I love old dogs, old
dogs are my jam, okay? It is so true, right? I don't want that dog
that hears the doorbell and starts running in
a circle and yapping. I want the dog that hears the doorbell and it is like, "You gon' get it?" You know what I mean? Like doesn't even lift up, doesn't rise from the bed, and that was this black lab
just chilling, you know, plus it's a hundred
degrees in Palm Springs, so me and this black lab
are just two colored girls trying to stay in the shade. We were besties, we made a life together, and after 10 minutes
of me petting this dog, two older white women approach, fresh out of a Nancy movie, they come over because you know obviously one of them owns the dog, and they're like, who are you? And they introduce themselves, and their names were Susan and Jan. Oh Palm Springs, take me away. I love it, and we start chit-chatting, and I'm hoping that Susan
and Jan are a couple, but they're just friends
and I'm like boring, but all right, keep talking, and we're chatting and
Susan and Jan are besties. They are on a vacay, a road trip, and Jan stays with me, she has a
place in my heart you guys, because Jan lived in Maui, Hawaii and was on vacation in Palm Springs, and yes, honey, and at one
point we chit-chatting, and Jan says to me, dead serious, "Well, I know people go
to Maui for a vacation, but sometimes I need
a vacation from Maui." What? Y'all that is the Jan-nest
shit I ever heard. Listen Jan, you a bad bitch. Hey Jan, I see you, I see you, talking to me like I'm
not Black in America. Go on, go on Jan. And then later she goes, she goes, "Well, while I'm on the mainland," okay pull it back, Jan. Now it's overboard, you're
probably from Indiana, okay? But she's like, "While
I'm on the mainland, I was thinking of visiting my
brother, but I don't know." Jan, don't give a fuck
about her brother, y'all. This is Jan's vacay. Oh my God, I'm trying to
be a Jan in this life. I feel like right now I'm a Susan, I'm just along for the
ride, you know what I mean? But Jan is making the reservations, honey, okay, she is setting you up for success. That is how I feel. And I've been trying to figure out how do I channel Jan? How do I be the Jan I
want to see in the world? - Now here's the irony, the first person that
ever called me a nigga was my grandmother. Yeah, I'll never forget. I was seven years old. She called me from all the way across her bigass slave plantation of a house. Right? And some of y'all need to understand about being a child in the eighties it is one like when
your parents called you from across the house, you had to go see what they wanted, you couldn't yell back. Right? You couldn't be, "Brian?" You couldn't be like, "What?" That would get you fucked up. And the second thing is home video games was new and there wasn't no saves nigga so and grandma didn't give a fuck how long you was playing Mario Brothers, how far you got, how difficult it was, "Get your ass up here," right? So she called me from across the house, I passed the sticks, and all she wanted was
for me to open the window that she was sitting right beside. Straight power play. And I know I didn't say it out loud, but she heard "Lazy
bitch" or whatever, right? She lost her fucking mind son. All of a sudden, no arthritis, she hopped up outta this chair, she doubled in size like a anime villain, and I'll never forget this moment, it's burned into my brain. She goes, "Nigga! It's about to be some smoke
in the motherfuckin' city." Now something else you need to understand is that all older Black women, they have a glossary of threats that are also riddles. They serve two purposes. One is to confuse the opponent, and the second is to make you sound crazy if you call Child Protective Services. But I'm seven, I don't know riddles. So I just have this look
of confusion on my face. I'm confused. But something else I didn't
know 'cause I was seven is that the look of
confusion is the same look as "Fuck you tryna do bitch?" And that's how she
interpreted it, you know? As a direct challenge. She grabbed me under my armpit, hit me with a vicious knee. Boom, did a perfect hip toss. Threw me into the opposite wall. I fucking landed upside down on my head. Now, by this time, all the other kids she was
babysitting in the house. They gathered around nieces, nephews, neighbors, kids, grand babies, we like to see each other get fucked up back then, right? She wanted to set an example. She goes "Now, what did
you learn little nigga?" And I know what she wanted. She wanted me to be like, "Don't ever talk back to you
or call you as your name." Right?
That's what she wanted. And if it was any other day,
I would've gave her that, but it was something deep
down in me that day was like, "Today we fight back." And she goes "Now what did you learn little nigga?" And I was like, "Well, you had the energy to throw
me across the kitchen. You could have just got
up and opened the window, Cynthia." I was in the hospital for two days, and on the third day I was in foster care.
