Deep In The Heart Of Texas: His Sandwiches || Dave Chappelle 2020

we spend the most time together like it's not that me and my wife don't spend time together but we've been married so long it's like we don't we don't talk like i don't know anyone's married here but if after 10 years all that chatty [ __ ] goes away you've said it all you know what i mean yeah we're just in the zone she says the same [ __ ] to me every night before she goes to bed i'll be the last one up she's like i'm gonna get some sleep dave good night all right baby stay and watch television good night and she'll walk halfway up the steps david huh don't eat the kid's lunch unless she walks well the crazy [ __ ] is i don't even eat their lunch anymore back in the day i used to eat that [ __ ] you know how that goes i might smoke some weed in the middle of the night and she'll leave neatly wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen i'm gonna eat it what's the big deal why can't you just make another one in the morning i mean it's like i got sons anyway and sons love everything that dads do my kids will be in school the next day just look like oh dad bit my sandwich oh [ __ ] their dad is dave chappelle man you could trade that sandwich for something better what i'm doing is adding value to their lunch she doesn't understand these types of things anyway she gets mad at me but she's mad at me now because i got myself in trouble i got myself extorted which happens in this business i come home from the road there was a fedex sitting on the kitchen table and it was addressed to me so i opened it i don't know who delivered it and there was a video cassette inside with a note written on it that said gotcha oh my god can you imagine i freaked out i tore the whole house apart trying to find the vcr i hadn't seen a tape in like over a decade and i watched the tape and it was awful they got me it was a tape of me i was [ __ ] a girl okay but it was from before i was married but it was not a good look and i felt sick to my stomach and i looked up at the clock and then i saw my wife was coming home in 10 minutes and i just panicked i i jerked off to the tape real fast and then and then i called the fbi who by the way made me feel much better i mean they didn't say they were going to catch them for sure but they had the demeanor of some competent people that would catch them so i didn't worry about it too much and then not even a week later five days later i come home and there's another video cassette just sitting on my porch as soon as i saw it i just called the police like they've done it again uh you should probably look for a guy with bell bottoms on because i don't know who the [ __ ] is sending tapes and that second tape was the worst [ __ ] i'd ever seen in my life it was awful career ending bad it was a tape of me jerking off to the table a week earlier i don't even know how high it even gets such a thing [Applause] i had to explain all of this to my wife she was very mad no thing in this world is as cold as a woman's cold shoulder because she was mad but she wouldn't talk to me about it she would just punish me in little ways make me do [ __ ] that i hate to do like pick the kids up from school that's one thing [Music] that's a hardship for me i got one son that goes to a public school and his little brother goes to a private school it's an experiment i just want to see what's going to happen to him but what's weird is my little son in private school he's like my he's like my thuggy son you know what i mean i don't know where he'd get that from he's not getting it from me and he's definitely not getting from that school that school is very like it's a liberal school it's the kind of school it might be like 12 black students in the entire school and i'm the only black parent and none of the parents like me either not because i'm black but just like they don't like hyrule because i've been showing up late all the time and i'm like in a porsche and a blast and music that they don't like me to be like i beat the [ __ ] up and i pull into the parking lot i might be smoking a cigarette with the kids in the car then i pull in like that handicap space and then when i get out of the handicapped space they always want to say some passive aggressive [ __ ] morning dave i don't know if you noticed but he actually parked in the handicapped space huh yeah you know you know what frank i did notice uh but who is this handicapped guy we're all waiting on that never shows up so i hate going over to that school the only only parents that are nice to me is uh lesbian couple kate and sarah actually kate hates my guts sarah knows that i'm black and she's half black so she just understands me you know what i'm saying i can't explain it because i'll say [ __ ] and kate's just too serious about being a lesbian i'd be like hey kate hey sarah uh you guys going to the father-son picnic next week how's that gonna work and kate will instantly be furious but sarah knows i'm [ __ ] around so she'll just say something cool i don't know dave maybe me and kate will flip for that [ __ ] i said [ __ ] you better save that coin toss because everybody knows you strapping on in that household and then kayla turned bright red but sarah just fists by me like you right [ __ ] we're good friends we're good friends they invite me to stuff they're like my only friends at school so imagine my surprise when i go to pick my son up after all this happens and uh the teacher is waiting outside for me she's just standing right there in the middle of the [ __ ] handicap space i knew something was wrong so i rolled the window down like hey what's going on hi david can we talk to you for a minute in the office i said oh [ __ ] that we gotta talk right here what's going on and it was bad ibrahim had a fight i said a fight don't worry everyone's okay i said everyone what happened well that's it we don't know what happened because he won't talk to anybody all we know is that he punched sarah jr in the face i said oh no sarah's one of the only parents i'm not sure i can beat up in this school just then kate and sarah pulled up to pick up their daughter and then we all had to go into the office and i was really worried because i didn't want him to kick me out of school and then they brought my son and he was crying they brought him in like a prisoner he was like oh oh i said son just stop crying calm down do not look at these mean faces i need you to look at my face and i need you to tell me the truth buddy all right just tell me the truth is it true did you punch that girl sarah junior in the face i was trying to give him a signal to live but he didn't pick up on it he wasn't paying attention yes daddy i punched your face oh my god why why would you do that you're not supposed to put your hands on anybody and his answer was so gangsta it scared all the parents in the room he was like because she had it coming [Applause] and everyone looked at me i said i did not teach you i don't know where he got that from i said what does that mean that is crazy talk what does that mean and then he just started crying like he was tupac these kids keep [ __ ] with me i told his teacher i said well now wait a minute this is a lot of things but he's not alive and if he said they was [ __ ] with him they did something to him son what's going on what did they do to you oh damn tired of this [ __ ] it's been going on all week i said what's going on all week he said we said hutch and that [ __ ] bit my sandwich i said oh see this is the fourth time this week i'm tired of this sandwich biting [ __ ] stop using that word let's go home that's a quiet car ride home we got to the house he just ran right up to his room slammed the door his mother came downstairs by then she had heard about everything she was looking at me like oh my god i said i know it's [ __ ] up she said you bit that goddamn sandwich i said i'm tired of you accusing me of [ __ ] and i just ran out of the house jumped in my car and drove up of course i bit that sandwich [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] do [Music] so [Music] you

Channel: Dave Chappelle

Views: 308,097

Rating: 4.9014401 out of 5

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Id: Mn_eN6gLo1Y

Length: 12min 35sec (755 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 30 2020