Deep In The Heart Of Texas : Because I’m Dave Chappelle || Dave Chappelle

thank you thank you very much thank you what's going on good to see everybody out here tonight hey haven't seen everybody be comfortable and relax oh my gosh good to be back in austin texas it's good to know that plaid is back in most dudes i meet around these parts are dressed like a dyke in new york so i'm glad to see that [Applause] man [ __ ] texas this place is it's pretty good pretty damn good you know i was in santa fe the other night [ __ ] threw a banana peel at me yeah that didn't feel so good of course it was a white person uh not to indict the whites i'm just saying and then uh not only did he throw a banana pill at me but uh it was premeditated you could tell you could tell the peel was too brown you know what i mean it was like you didn't eat that banana recently [ __ ] you had that [ __ ] waiting on me and the whole crowd was white so the whole it just got instantly creepy and everyone was looking like they were looking at 12 years of slave or something they were all just like who the [ __ ] does that and then they arrested the guy which was i said someone's gonna [ __ ] you in the butt and the holding cell you know that right you can't just be throwing banana peels at dave's pal they're not gonna let you get away with this the press called me up like do you have a statement a statement for a [ __ ] banana appeal no i don't have anything to say was like [ __ ] famous for throwing a banana peel at me 20 years from now he's gonna be tucking his kids in the bed and the kid will be like daddy tell him about the day that she threw that banana peel with that [ __ ] santa fe boy i'll tell you what that black [ __ ] saw his name up on the marquee about a week before i said man if i could just get close enough to meet him throw a banana on that [ __ ] shanghai [ __ ] banana gate i didn't even like i didn't even want to press charges you know this has happened to me before no sir not a banana i live i live in ohio right so this is like like a few winters ago oh i didn't know he would ever clap for that well all right that's the first time that's just ever happened ohio anyway uh i live amongst the whites small town in ohio and it was winter time it had snowed recently there were huge snowstrips on the street i was walking with my sister now my sister was dressed in all muslim garb as were her children and i was dressed as dave chappelle and we were walking and just talking about something and a car sped around the corner and the window came down and somebody threw a snowball and hit me right in my shoulder i didn't know what was going on why was this happening because i am black because she's muslim because i'm dave chappelle i couldn't tell but again i knew it was premeditated because who the [ __ ] has a snowball and a warm car play through lady because he went around the corner and got stopped at the red light he was caught in the traffic so now i ran out into the street and i just tapped on his window hey my man can i just talk to you guys for a second come on now [ __ ] one second i just want to talk to you there's four young white dudes in the car they're like just chill bro i said relax i just want to talk now this is an old black trick really i didn't want to talk i was going to [ __ ] them up so if you're ever caught in traffic and a black guy starts saying they just want to talk to you don't open the door [ __ ] even if he's me smiling at you and they were like chill bro just chill and and then the one guy in the back seat i don't know what he was just cockier than his friends he was like [ __ ] it man i'll get out the car and i started yanking on this door let me help you [ __ ] let me just help you out and i didn't notice his window was down and he threw a snowball and [ __ ] me right in my chest wow he said [ __ ] you you [ __ ] [ __ ] and then the light turned green and they sped off and i smiled from ear to ear i looked at my sister and she said i got the plates and i was happy and [ __ ] because throwing a snowball in a [ __ ] is a misdemeanor assault but if you call me hey me and my sister start dancing we gonna send this [ __ ] to jail now i didn't notice it but while i was yelling him a crowd of all white people had formed because it was an all-white town and i was like uh-oh i thought i was going to get jumped and one of the white guys stepped down and was like i didn't like that at all [Applause] this is not what this town represents i don't want this goddamn stuff in my vicinity and another white guy was like yeah i didn't like it either and then old white guy stepped out of the crowd and said young man if you're going to fill out a police report i would like to come with you and do the same i said you guys would do that for me and whole crowd said hooray i said come on y'all i look like malcolm x going to see brother johnson with a trailer wifey [Applause] unreal hour later he was always sitting in a police station and police came in like well mr chappelle 16 identical police reports uh we ran the tags two young men that had their mother's car we have all four suspects in holding their mother is here it's up to you whatever you want to do if you want to press charges we'll move forward sorry about that officer i'm a little flustered i've never been in a position where i could decide the fate of white children before but it's weighing heavy on me sir and i really can't decide and i saw a lady pacing back and forth in the hallway and i said is that because yes that's their mother but can i speak to her before i make a decision and when the mom came in she saw it was me she busted out crying oh god oh no i don't want him to go to jail i am so sorry i didn't raise him to do this we love your comedy we love you at the house i said miss please just all right look i don't necessarily want your son to go to jail either um but what he did was pretty was pretty [ __ ] up so is there something we can do short of jail just to let him know that he's wrong i don't know i don't know what did you have in mind miss i've never been in this position before oh you know we could do i don't know it was just me asking too much but maybe if you if you could just suck my dick a little bit just a little bit i'm not gonna finish i just want you to do it enough so that i can tell him you did it i'm kidding i wouldn't do that to anybody's mother maybe my kid's mom but that's it

Channel: Dave Chappelle

Views: 147,354

Rating: 4.8568907 out of 5

Keywords: dave chappelle, dave chappelle sticks and stones, stand up comedy, dave chappelle stand up, comedy, equanimity, sticks and stones, dave, chappelle, comedian, dave chappelle netflix, Best of Dave Chappelle, Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin, Age of Spin, the age of spin dave chappelle, age of spin dave chappelle, Deep in the Heart of Texas, deep in the heart of texas dave chappelle, dave chappelle deep in the heart of texas, Because I’m Dave Chappelle

Id: DzLoRUvSNCU

Length: 8min 20sec (500 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 31 2020