-Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Thank you. Thank you very much
for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief
statement that I prepared. [ Laughter ] "I denounce anti-Semitism
in all its forms." [ Laughter ] "And I stand with my friends
in the Jewish community." And that, Kanye... is how you
buy yourself some time. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I got to tell you guys, I probably been doing this
35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two
words in the English language that you should never
say together in sequence, and those words... are "the" and "Jews." [ Laughter ] I've never heard someone do good
after they said that. [ Laughter ] Kanye's gotten into
some scrapes before. Normally when he's in trouble,
I pull up immediately. But this time, I was like,
"You know what? Let me see what's
going to happen first. I just want to see -- just want to see
where this is all going." [ Laughter ] I can't even remember
how it started. Vaguely I remember it started
with a tweet, strange tweet. It was like,
"I'm feeling a little sleepy." [ Laughter ] "I'm going to get me some rest,
but when I wake up, I'm going to go DEFCON 3
on the Jews." [ Laughter ] And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried. What is he gonna do to the Jews? [ Laughter ] I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends, so I'm not freaked out
by your culture. I know a little bit about it
just from hanging around. Be like, "Yo, yo, let's go out
after school tomorrow." They'd be like,
"We can't go out. It's Sha Na Na tomorrow."
I'd be like, "What?" [ Laughter ] What is Sha Na Na? I had so many questions. Why do some of your people
dress like Run-DMC? [ Laughter ] When Kanye woke up from
that nap, he went to work. [ Laughter ] A year ago, I'd seen him on
a podcast called "Drink Champs." Great show, and it was
an amazing appearance. Noreaga and them were there,
rappers that I love, and they all had their
gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said,
"Only millionaires wear chains." They said, "What?" He said, "I'm a billionaire. Billionaires don't wear
their money on their body." I took my chain
and I said, "Oh, snap." [ Laughter ] That's right. It was a good appearance.
It was fun and funny. But when he woke up, he went
on "Drink Champs" again. This time, he was on one,
mad about something. He said, "I can say
anti-Semitic things, and Adidas can't drop me. Now what?" Adidas dropped that nigga
immediately. [ Laughter ] Ironically, Adidas was founded
by Nazis, and they were offended. [ Laughter ] I guess the student
surpassed the teacher. [ Laughter ] It's a big deal. He had broken
show-business rules. It's just a rule. You know, the rules
of perception. If they're black,
then it's a gang. If they're Italian, it's a mob. But if they're Jewish,
it's a coincidence and you should never
speak about it. [ Laughter ] Kanye got in so much trouble,
Kyrie got in trouble. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen
on Amazon. No caption on the post
or nothing like that. But apparently this movie
had some, I don't know, anti-Semitic tropes
or something. It was some weird title
like "From Hebrew to Negro" or something. [ Laughter ] And the NBA told him
he should apologize, and he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands
to get back in their good graces got longer and longer. And this -- this is where,
you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people
have been through terrible things
all over the world, but you can't blame that
on black Americans. You just -- You just can't. -Whoo!
-You know what I mean? Thanks, the one person
that said "Whoo." [ Laughter, applause ] A fair punishment would be
he should just post a link to "Schindler's List" and y'all
write your own captions. [ Laughter ] Kyrie Irving's black ass
was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he's not
even certain it exists. [ Laughter ] I saw one news pundit
screaming about Kanye. She said,
"Mental health is no excuse for that type of language." Yes, it is, bitch. You would kill somebody
if you're mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don't think
Kanye is crazy at all. I think he's possibly not well. [ Laughter ] I've been to Hollywood. Don't want y'all
to get mad at me. I'm just telling you.
I've been to Hollywood. This was just what I saw. It's a lot of Jews. [ Laughter ] Like, a lot. [ Laughter ] But that doesn't mean anything.
You know what I mean? There's a lot of black people
in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn't mean we run the place. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I can see if you had
some kind of issue. You know what I mean?
You might go out to Hollywood. And your mind might start
connecting some kind of lines, and you could maybe
adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it's a crazy thing
to say out loud in a climate like this. [ Laughter ] Now the midterms are over,
and it's a crazy climate. And I got to tell you,
I feel like this midterm was like all of humanity
depends on it. And it's an ominous sign. The most ominous sign
of the midterms, I believe, would be Herschel Walker,
who I -- I don't want to speak badly of
because he's black. But I have to admit... he's, um... he's observably stupid. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Even when he's not talking, his mouth be open
a little bit, like... [ Laughter ] He's the kind of guy
that looks like he thinks before he makes a move
on tic-tac-toe. [ Laughter ] And watching the news now, they're declaring the end
of the Trump era. Now, okay,
I can see how in New York you might believe this is
the end of his era. I'm just being honest with you. I live in Ohio
amongst the poor whites. [ Laughter ] A lot of you don't understand
why Trump was so popular. But I get it,
'cause I hear it every day. He's very loved. And the reason he's loved
is because people in Ohio have never seen
somebody like him. He's what I call an honest liar. I'm not joking right now.
He's an honest liar. That first debate --
That first debate, I'd never seen anything like it. I've never seen
a white male billionaire screaming
at the top of his lungs. "This whole system is rigged!"
he said. And across the stage was
a white woman, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama sitting
over there looking at him like, "No, it's not." I said,
"Now, wait a minute, bro. It's what he said." And the moderator said,
"Well, Mr. Trump, if, in fact, the system
is rigged, as you suggest, what would be your evidence?" Remember what he said, bro? He said, "I know
the system is rigged... because I use it." I said, "God damn!" [ Laughter ] And then he pulled out
an Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine up
and did it right at the podium. [ Laughter, applause ] No one had ever heard someone
say something that true. And then Hillary Clinton
tried to punch him in the taxes. She said, "This man
doesn't pay his taxes." He shot right back,
"That makes me smart." [ Laughter ] And then he said, "If you
want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code, but I know you won't because
your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks
that I do." And with that, my friends,
a star was born. No one had ever seen
anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house
outside and tell all the commoners, "We're doing everything
that you think we are doing inside of that house." Then he just went right back
in the house and started playing
the game again. [ Laughter ] Democrats were sore losers. I'm a Democrat, and I'm telling
you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that --
"He's colluding with Russia. He's colluding with Russia." It was very embarrassing
as a Democrat. But as time went on [Sighs] we all came to learn... he was probably
colluding with Russia. [ Laughter ] I even look
at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful,
no question about it. But she looks like
the kind of chick that James Bond would smash
but not trust. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Why he got all them documents
at his house? What is this? This a guy that's famous for not
reading his press briefings. Now all of a sudden he got
10,000 documents at his house, gonna catch up
on his reading list. [ Laughter ] I have been fired from jobs
many times in my life, and I will be
very honest with you. Sometimes when I was fired,
I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses,
all kinds of stuff. But you know what I never
stole from work? Work. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] War in Ukraine
brought it all into focus. And lucky for everybody
in the Western world the Ukrainians are
way better fighters than we thought they'd be. I mean, these guys... God bless them.
They're doing good. [ Cheers and applause ] They killed 10,000 Russians
the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like,
"God damn. Them some good numbers!" [ Laughter ] This was before
they had weapons. Before we started
sending them weapons, they was killing Russians with things you can find
around the house. That whole country, Ukraine, is littered with traps
like "Home Alone." They were stepping on rakes
and touching hot doorknobs. "Aah!" [ Laughter ] How is Russia losing
to the Ukraine? That would be like America
losing a war to Colorado. [ Laughter ] Now the midterms are over,
and everybody's awake. These new whites, man, they're
like -- The whites are like -- They're like -- They're like
newborn babies, just woke up. Everything white people
mad about, we've been on that. "Man, I can't see my family." Black people like,
"We been on that!" "Man, we can't trust
the government." We been on that. "Man, we should
dismantle the FBI." Word to Martin Luther King, bro.
We've been on that. [ Cheers and applause ] Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes,
you ignore me. My first Netflix special,
what did I say? I said, "I don't want
a sneaker deal, 'cause the minute
I say something that makes those people mad, they're going to take
my sneakers away." And the whole crowd was like,
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha." Now you see Kanye walking
around L.A. barefoot with his chain out. [ Laughter ] This guy lost a billion
and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars
in a day. I saw that and I said,
"Put your chain on, nigga. Welcome back." [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] It shouldn't be this scary
to talk about anything. It's making my job
incredibly difficult. And to be honest with you, I'm sick of talking
to a crowd like this. I love you to death, and I
thank you for your support. And I hope they don't
take anything away from me. [ Laughter ] Whoever they are. [ Laughter ] We got a great show tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Brooklyn's finest Black Star
is in the building! [ Microphone thuds ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
FYI, any time you want to post an SNL skit, link a mirror instead. It geoblocked to the entire world.
mirrors - to hell with geoblocking
https://vid.puffyan.us/watch?v=_m-gO0HSCYk
https://invidious.rhyshl.live/watch?v=_m-gO0HSCYk
https://inv.riverside.rocks/watch?v=_m-gO0HSCYk
EDIT hug of death apparently, try this link:
https://odysee.com/@EddieHaskill:7/Dave-Chappelle-Stand-Up-Monologue---SNL:3
OR https://tinyurl.com/yhp2e7vw
"There's a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri, but that doesn't mean we run the place!" Lol
The “Jews own Hollywood thing”…
You can read about the actual history. The very short version is that vaudeville was considered a lowbrow form of art so while others didn’t bother with it, there were jewish immigrants who gravitated towards it as performers, theater operators, etc. When the film business started, it was a natural progression for them. Once again early movies were considered a lowbrow form of art that others avoided, but Jewish immigrants with vaudeville backgrounds were early pioneers. Eventually they gravitated from New York to Hollywood where there was cheap property and they could build their own American identity. Pretty much all the major film studios were founded by Jewish people, and though they eventually sold those studios to larger corporations, Los Angeles remains as one of the two largest Jewish populations in the United States along with New York. It’s fair to say that American Jews built Hollywood. Naturally, generations of people have been born there who gravitate to the film industry in various roles.
It’s not some evil grand conspiracy. My own Jewish great grandparents were born into poverty and came to the US to chase the American dream. My granduncle scraped by penniless in Brooklyn, got a low level job at the local Paramount movie studio at age 15, eventually he and my grandfather moved to LA to make a life out there. One selling real estate. One working in the music industry. Now years later I have cousins who have worked on movies, but they don’t control shit. It’s just that there’s a huge Jewish population there and a huge film industry there. Naturally you’re going to have Jewish people working in the film industry.
I thought it was funny I visited last December from Seattle the Jewish population is so large that the local grocery store in Brentwood had large “Happy Hanukkah” decorations painted outside instead of Christmas.
It’s fair to also say that there is a generational transfer of wealth. Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing film school, but if you already have a well-off family, live in the area where the film industry dominates, and have schools with a focus on film, you are gonna be far more likely to get into the film industry than someone who grows up in a poor family in middle American. My grandfather followed his brother out there from Brooklyn. He was never rich, but he did luck into buying a house out there in the 1950s for $40,000. He lived the rest of his frugal life in that house. My 96 year old grandma continues to live there. It’s now completely falling apart, but her neighbors are LeBron James and Kamala Harris and the property alone is worth a couple million. The truth is, I personally was raised poor by my Irish-Catholic father from Boston. Though 23andMe literally shows I’m 50% Ashkenazi Jewish, I know absolutely nothing of the religion. Still, at some point when my grandma and mother pass away, I will likely be the one to liquidate that property and the beneficiary will be my own son. If he wants to go to film school, he will likely have that luxury. It’s a cycle that only exists because some broke ass family of Jewish people decided to chase the American dream in LA.
I used to work in Hollywood. Jews really do run a lot of it. But the thought that they have any particular cohesion or collusion is ridiculous. They're mostly just typical businessmen doing businessmen shit (which understandably makes them a lot of enemies). They're just as likely to fuck each other over as anyone else.
They only time they show any sort of strong cohesion is in opposition to antisemitism, which is completely understandable. No one bats an eye when blacks support other blacks, but for some reason jews aren't supposed to help other jews?
Even if all the conspiracy theories were correct, then why would you fuck with them? They're just going to melt you with their space lasers, right? It just shows that even the conspiracy theorists don't really believe their own bullshit, it's just naked antisemitism.
"You know what I never stole from work? work" - Absolute genius.
None of these comments seem like they come from real human people
Wtf is astroturf and why do I keep seeing it in this thread?
The Melania joke was perfection.