Dave Chappelle HBO Comedy Half Hour Uncensored360p H 264 AAC

foreign [Applause] was I had to put on a [ __ ] cookie costume and hand out flyers on Capitol Hill for a restaurant called the cookie bag in the middle of August and what kind of cookie were you dressed as huh was it a chocolate chip the poor hot angry ass chocolate chip cookie foreign [Music] ladies and gentlemen coming to you from San Francisco please welcome Katie Chappelle [Applause] foreign [Applause] thank you what's up Saint Francisco I like your city it's beautiful tolerant place I didn't see much I haven't seen my friend call me it was like Dave having fun in Frisco hell yeah seen the sights no you want to go see Alcatraz what kind of [ __ ] in his right man was to visit a prison for recreation I got friends in jail I don't visit [Applause] I don't deal with jails don't deal with jails and I don't deal with police my house got robbed in New York I didn't even call the police I want to do but I couldn't my crib is too nice it's not that it's too nice but it's too nice for me you know how to police on New York soon as I open the doors they'll be like oh he's still here open and shut case Johnson apparently this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere never seen anything like it don't deal with them man I had to bail a friend of mine out of jail one time you know that was horrible I was scared I had to walk right into the belly of the Beast I tried to look as non-threatening as possible hi I'm here to bail out my buddy oh okay well while you're here you do fit a description if you walk this way we can process you can always get us it's fitting those damn descriptions now I could be bitter and blame all the police but now I'll tell you who I blame it's those [ __ ] sketch artists they keep drawing the same brother over and over again who is this generic man we all look like I want to know what they say when it's us you don't really be in that room like did you get a look do you see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I [Applause] he's about 6 6 like say six feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good that's good stuff was on backwards yes he was black okay big lips big nose dick hanging out say no more sir I'll drone from memory you know let me get my stencil I think we can trace this guy and save some time [Music] make it on the radio and [ __ ] calling out cars calling out cars be on the lookout for a black male between four seven and six eight and 120 and 380 pounds he's wearing Nikes get this man [Applause] criminals are insane I don't even know why people do crime they want to catch you they're going to catch you they can they got forensics you ever seen forensics those guys find Clues nobody else thinks about looking for I mean it you leave a pubic hair anywhere near a crime scene they're gonna find that [ __ ] what the hell is this back up [Laughter] we got a match then they look at the pube and tell all kinds of information hmm looks like there was a struggle huh time of death 307. it's amazing that's all I'm gonna do one time on court TV was embarrassing it was it was a sexual assault case I knew the defendant was lying I could feel it he defended himself too hard he did his answers had nothing to do with the questions they're completely irrelevant they asked him easy questions were you anywhere near the crime scene on the night of the incident [ __ ] I told y'all work at Burger King that went on for hours then the prosecutor got fed up he said I've had enough of this called the forensics to the stand forensics was like your honor we are prepared to testify that we found the defendant semen under the stove I said God damn that's worse than fingerprints they find your semen you've been there at least a minute but that's what I want to know under the stove you find semen like that or do you look for it like do they walk onto a crime scene like this place is a mess check it for semen but it is like walk in and slips oh my God what the hell was that [Applause] it's like what are burglars doing we got the stuff let's get out of here wait a minute I want to leave my calling card the semen bandit has struck again [Applause] I don't understand nothing anymore [Applause] I know foreign I watched TV the other day now tell me maybe it's just me maybe I'm crazy is it me is it me or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore you think I don't even know what a [ __ ] commercial is about until the end everyone's a surprise nowadays you seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye this lady come on TV with a black eye she's crying she's like I smoke crack and my husband beats me and then a voice came on and said got milk it has nothing to do with milk I'm not saying I'm a commercial expert but I make a better milk commercial than that let's make it nice and simple I just do a close-up of a titty I'm gonna put milk right underneath if that doesn't sell milk nothing will boy I'll tell you that [ __ ] right now 1997. titties are industry in 1997. they are I know they are I'm a customer I went to a titty bar last week at three o'clock in the afternoon and that's bad that is bad because it wasn't like I was out said let me let me swing by the titty bar no no I left my house specifically you see some tits can't judge me there's breast in there this is what men do if a guy runs up to you on the street it's like hey don't go in that building there are naked girls showing their breasts be like a white dude in a horror movie I better investigate I'm going to want to see for myself titty bar is a weird place I'm not saying it's a good place to hang out I I go there every once and then but it's a weird place they got weird morality one time I walked into the bars all these guys coming in right out of all these dudes the bounce and pick me out the crowd started yelling at me hey hey buddy sir sir do you want to take your hat off huh disrespectful to the ladies yeah I can shove a 20 up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it oh sorry about that buddy here you go bubbles forgive me for the Hat Thing you know why those bars are so popular now is because men don't know how to deal with women in reality so sometimes we got to take the fantasy Road the reality of the situation is very grim women have made a lot of progress in a short period of time man it changed everything can't deal in relationships anymore I broke up with my girl I'm out of Shawshank I'm free I don't want to go back couldn't even argue with her you should be able to argue if you have an issue in a relationship you should be able to argue that issue out right let's see ladies you got to stick to the [ __ ] issue [Music] you guys take arguments everywhere just to win them [Music] That's why nothing ever gets done you'll be arguing about the dishes baby baby could you wash your dish at least before you put in the sink premature ejaculator you know why you gotta bring that up I don't even believe in that and it was right on time that's what I said as far as I'm concerned I can't come fast enough I'm sick of being vilified all the time David how could you how could you come I was [ __ ] what were you trying to do huh come well I beat you you gotta work on your time baby I'm down to a minute 20. you're mad at me because I have different goals and sex you [ __ ] just trying to hit my best time it's like the Olympics and now for the dismount it wasn't no bad it's never all bad he won't stay for so bad well that's not true but I wouldn't we have fun we used to watch porn together that's how cool she was oh it always seems nasty but it was fun we learned about each other she learned about me one time he was watching porn I never forget this time the first the first scene in this movie was Hardcore two guys one girl going at it I fast forwarded right through that I mean it was too much for my senses foreign you know I stopped for a minute I had to see what this was all about and she noticed she said what is that now why does that disgust you two men and one woman the men aren't touching each other but the women are the two of those men touching the two men don't touch each other why is that nasty to men and I'll tell you why hey ladies you can call me crazy but I think every every straight man has a rule that would be the one penis per fantasy rule my bit is the star of my nobody else's dick is guest starring and my [ __ ] this is a Dave Chappelle joint you gotta look at the whole picture man and you get two girls and a guy in a room together that's boy that's something else that's [ __ ] holding and hugging friendship and helping teamwork and it's very very best my friends you get two guys and a girl in a room it's the wrong kind of teamwork downright brutal if you ask me I'll pull her hair I'll smack her ass poor woman looked like a chicken on a rotisserie and said help me turn it down [Music] in my life it's too much [ __ ] out there to stress you out this whole world's just drug infested hate infested drug infested World hate drugs I heard the worst drugstore you know my friend told me you know what he's dealing with his landlord is hooked on crack that's that's terrible there's pressure your landlord's hooked on crack that means you've got to have the rent you come around I got the wrench it's not even do yet it's the 10th come on I need it let me just get 20 of it now and then uh just give me the rest of the other one every couple hours hey look I'm gonna need some more of the rent building's falling apart things came up comes home early from a party landlords in the crib going through his [ __ ] what are you doing in my house where's the sink I came to fix it [Laughter] I'll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent you know I hate about drugs I hate when like people my age and older get hooked on crack I hate that [ __ ] you too you're too old to be experimenting with the drugs at a certain point you should be past that you ain't doing it by a certain point you just miss it drugs are really for old people anyway you're 75 you learn to write [ __ ] I'm if I have 75 I do Coke heroin everything I want to give a [ __ ] I've been walking down the street they'd be like boy that old man is tripping [Applause] [Music] [Applause] can't do everything maybe weed if you're gonna do something do a little weed smokes we weed's not as bad as everything else Swede is a background substance I mean you can smoke some herb and still function and you ain't crisp but you'll function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I was at a party some guy gave me some [ __ ] he's like here man take this it's [ __ ] mushrooms foreign I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found that [ __ ] in my pocket I'm thinking why not because I'm thinking it's like we some background [ __ ] I planned my whole day out like it was weed I'll chew this [ __ ] up then I go to the barber shop get my hair cut and then I'll see a movie I chewed it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and it's funny because I was just thinking to myself this stuff sucks tastes like athlete's foot I feel sick but I'm not really high then I looked in the mirror I saw the Barber's reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair I've freaked out I started talking to myself Dave calmed down you're on drugs this is what drugs do okay you know that there was no way that a penis can cut hair [Applause] but I started freaking out man I just couldn't take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my hair was cut I didn't care I just gave a bob a handful of money it was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home man I ran home as fast as I could tripping stripping I looked at the clock it was 2 42. I was like damn 242. I gotta sober up I never been this high this early I took a shower I was still high I said maybe musical do the trick I listen to every CD I had I was still high exercise that's what I'll do I ran around the block four times still high took a nap woke up [ __ ] up I looked at the clock it was 2 43 I said God damn who wrote this song [Music] you know that's just my grand grandmother used to sing that when she cleaning up that's a Negro spiritual black work song not everybody know about that I know as well see white people you guys might whistle when you work you dick but that's how you can tell what kind of work we're actually doing [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I study that kind of [ __ ] I do anything that has to do with race I read a little here see a little there and I travel that's always good uh traveling has made me uh racism connoisseur if you will you know it's different from region to region anyone ever been down south so you guys know what I'm talking about and it raises them down now is just [ __ ] nice perfect it's due to a perfection there are no secrets in Mississippi everybody knows the deal [ __ ] morning sir [Applause] [Laughter] not up here you hit the big cities man it's different it's always a secret and we should do like them we should keep our [ __ ] on open been a little I mean with limits you don't want to say whatever comes to your mind that might be a little much white dude be walking down the street minding this business and the brother walk up to him hello you write a press of you slave master rapists of Africa why hello my big lip spear chucking friend touche honky foreign what did you do today huh a press a new land and make the people there Christians against their will what did you do fellow burn those big black lips on a crack pipe because you miss your job interview [Applause] easy Whitey you're cutting deep well this chitchat has got me thirsty you will excuse me for a moment I'm gonna go to the Korean store and get something to drink chilling hello you sanitized ruin the economy in our neighborhood by opening stores and taking the money out the community wow good afternoon browse around but never buy anything suspicious after a while that might be too much foreign we brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations we never look at the individual we rarely look an individually I'm a racist I know I'm a racist you know how I know the other day I caught myself being racist against myself there's so much [ __ ] going on I got mixed up forgot whose team I was on this [ __ ] [Applause] [Laughter] one time I was reading the paper man this story came on about the uh this guy was suing a department store because they wouldn't let him play Santa Claus you know because he's black and I was actually like relieved when the department store beat them that's bad but I wasn't ready for that I wasn't ready for the idea of a black Santa Claus man that [ __ ] would suck so we wouldn't get our presents to the 28th 29th sorry I'm late kids Santa got caught up with some [ __ ] in Vegas I had to sell some toys to get back where them cookies at [Laughter] got a great crowd man you are I'm glad y'all came out man I I'm nervous I am not about the special I just I hope this [ __ ] don't make me famous you big I don't want to be famous famous I want people to like me for who I am like famous dude don't never know why people like them that's why like if you if I've ever make it I'm gonna have to like test people like if I meet girls I wear disguises when they first meet me so they don't know who I am and then like on the first date I'll call myself pick you up right from work and then I'll pick her up in a [ __ ] garbage truck just to see how she reacts and she's like well he's a man oh oh do I look like garbage to you I don't see no goddamn trash need to be picked up here get that goddamn truck Off My Block who Do You Think You Are that's when I take my mask off oh David Chappelle that's right [ __ ] thank you thank you very much [Applause] I've had the worst hack 11. you know what the worst hacker level was a seizure boy what what can you say if somebody has a seizure in the million show in Washington Square Park are you strobing I don't know what to do I thought she was like messing with me because she like walked out in a circle and then she just start like shaking so I'm like I didn't look like she was dancing as I mentioned Ellen it was crazy I was having a seizure it was almost like she used her seizure as a Heckle yeah that's what it felt like and then someone screamed out alone and like eight people had [ __ ] spoons in the middle of the park like who walks around with the spools on well the heroin cooking that stuff up you know them apples oh that's a spoon me one in your mouth swallowing my tongue and have a heroin spoon in my mouth

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Views: 1,612,399

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Id: Xz_0FKSL7Pw

Length: 28min 14sec (1694 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 30 2023