LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY HARRELSON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO. NO. I JEST. THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED, BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE, BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY. MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK HIPPY. YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN GUNS. THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT GUNS. SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES PURPLE. I'M PURPLE. SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING SNL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. NO JACKET. OKAY. THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE YEARS AGO. AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW. THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY, AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED. ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY, CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE CRAZIEST SCRIPT. OKAY. FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A JOINT FIRST. THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD. BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER, AND I'M STICKING WITH IT -- UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW. YEAH. LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK. WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE." I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS HE EATS ARE VEGAN. ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS THE DAY UNFOLDS. FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE OBJECTS E-T-CETERA. I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY, OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST YOU'RE AWARE OF IT. AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION. AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE DUMB. YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM. THANKS, HON. BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A WEE BIT OF A DRINKER. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH THERE. ALL RIGHT. ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE GLORIOUS MONTHS. ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? OH, YEAH. I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT SCRIPT. SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY DISPENSARY, THE WOODS. I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL. MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID. YEAH. HE MULED IT FROM LA. YEAH. SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH. NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES. VERY HANDSOME. I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS" THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS. COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS." IT SELLS ITSELF. PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M NO SALESMAN. WHERE WAS I? OKAY. SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN THE DAY. OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB. LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL. AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN HERE. I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST, MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A TEXAN. BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL PARK AND THAT SCRIPT. PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST THE ROOTS OF THE TREE. WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT? WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN CENTRAL PARK? OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE. LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM, FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY, AND START READING. SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER. I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY. I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE THAT CRAZY IDEA? BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS? I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY LONG. ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME. STILL NO JACKET. OKAY. WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
JACK WHITE IS HERE, WE■LL BE BACK
I was genuinely surprised he didn't mention Triangle of Sadness, which is nominated for Best Picture. I thought he was building to that with the whole "I was reading this script" story. Seemed like a missed opportunity.
Can we please talk about Rampart?
He gave me a twenty euro tip when i was working as a nightporter/bartender 11 years ago in Amsterdam. Was a super nice guy and that is the image I try to keep of him.
Woody Harrelson seems like he may be legitimately crazy.
Edit:https://variety.com/2023/film/news/woody-harrelson-anti-vax-covid-set-protocols-nonsense-1235537636/
Grandpa Simpson vibes. I was waiting to hear about the onion he was wearing on his belt, which was the style at the time.
This made me realize, His Rampart AMA He did 10 years ago, massive troll job
The drug cartels control the media but they let him go on TV In front of millions to call them out? Yeah that seems right.
Hmmmm should I call big pharma the cartel by pointing out the exponential insulin costs that affects millions of people everyday OR spread my government vaccine mind control theory
Was this all a long ramble against covid vaccines?