Dave Allen - Children - 1993 - Part 1

thank you very much indeed good evening welcome to the show the people in the world that I have most sympathy with our unborn children because unborn children have nose no say whatsoever in the conception I don't scare together that's it they're on the way they make the most incredible journey from the sacred safety and security of the womb and they make it out into the world it is an extraordinary journey it would make any pothole or proud only there they make the way up you see you ever seen him come on followed by the umbilical cord they're about to make the first bungee jump when somebody cuts the cord your coud over your over your are over you take it home please so anything with parents they feel this necessity to wrap babies up they'll wrap them up like mummies first thing to do is put a little nappy on them then a little vest little woolen best you wooden hat woolen jacket bullet trouser then they wrap them on the blanket then they put him in a pram put two or three other blankets on it and there's a hot water bottle in there and the kid is in there dog I said it's so hot so he starts to scratch himself and people say he's scratching himself gotta stop that put mittens on but he's going mad and he's got me didn't ya so he starts to cry and people say why is he crying he's crying because he bloody ecchi and nobody will understand it I watched I first began to discover an intelligence in children baby children tiny newborn children why when I looked after my nephew first look after my nephew and we were sitting in a park he is in a pram and his parents had born the regulatory rattle the compulsory rattle every baby in the world has to have a rattle we assume that baby's right we never we never say to baby hey do you like the rattle we give him a raffle I mean you was an adult could you take it every two or three minutes of ours all coming up you'll be a screaming lunatic when I watch this nephew of mine sitting there well everybody's kind of Oh would you would you looky looky buggy buggy buggy and then they pick up the right hand they go and then they put it back in the brown and off they go and he'd pick it up and he saw how the pram house all would come along and pick it up did the baby drop the red and they'd go away and he'd and this could go on for hours and I'm begin to think maybe he doesn't like it maybe he's trying to get rid of this bloody thing when I tested it out I left it on the ground from I saw this fella come along and pick it up look come I saw the kids face he can't speak he's thinking sticking up your ass I've watched parents bathing their children what are you a mother mother lady mother you bathe your children remember you bathe in the children did you have a test to tell her when you were baiting your child yes how did you test the temperature of the water with your elbow your elbow when you have a bar do you get a total stranger to come in no of course you don't I'm not only attest to water for somebody else would you test it with the most gnawed piece of skin on your body what see mother's go that's all right mother's lovely lovely love it they take a Mountie healthy little boy poor bastards half boy well you said you remember feeding your child solos you strapped them into a chairs you strap them in a chair and you bring out something that is a combination of oxtail and apple it sits there like a steaming turd now half the joy of food is how appetizing it looks now you as an adult could look at that No thank you no way or if you like the look of it you could salivate and you've got me yes I'd like to taste that but a child can it's it's there the child hasn't got the language he can't say Jesus I don't want that don't give it to me but he shows you he tells you by every instinct of his body language he turns away hmm and the parents will grab him and they squeeze each a seen him go I've seen him use a spoon like a wedge come on I've seen the reserved - trickery but even even when a chain even if the child still doesn't he spits it out for pricing I'm gonna do spat out food as an adult I would assume you didn't like it the child don't move and they scooped it up the schooner check the chair when the child is waiting the child's on an idiot child is waiting he's waiting for that moment when you pick him up on the back bring the wind up he's gonna bring more than the window although the mythology about food all that trusts and her curly hair and carrots fish I tried it I used to eat fish because I was told to give me brains carrots wouldn't let me see in the dark Jesus I walked into more walls I was such a cabbage let me tell you I do not like cabbage I've never liked cabbage I hate cabbage now I would totally accept if an adult said to me I do not like cabbage I haven't accepted why can't they accept a child saying I do not like cabbage my mother was always putting cabbage in front of me I don't like having just you go go don't argue with me they're just a selfish little child I'm sick of nobody but yourself now eat your cabbage think of the starving children they always bring those basses into it I used to say were putting the bloody envelope and salad he's eating the eating habits children my brother was a very what I would call my mother wasn't a terribly good cook my brother was probably a bit more honest than the rest of us he was he was finicky about his food he's to just kind of move it around the plate didn't eat it just used to kind of circle it around we had about four dogs and perhaps I need something got bigger well dog it catch in the mid air and for punishment for not eating food my mother would say you don't need a food you'll go to bed honey go okay any piss off in our house bed was called punishment I grew up to that go to bed punishment I was about 19 years of age I was over here had a young female said to me do you want to come to bed myself what have I done

Channel: 84RobThe

Views: 433,698

Rating: 4.8142233 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Allen, Comedy

Id: hjHslRphTDA

Length: 10min 41sec (641 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2012