Joining us today is an HIV advocate, a community mobilization officer at LoveYourself, an NGO based in Baguio, We have with us, Darwin Chong. Hi Darwin. Hello Ms. Toni. Thank you so much for coming here all the way from Baguio. Thank you. Exactly. But Darwin really isn't from Baguio. Yes. Where did you grow up, Darwin? Ah, in Binondo. I was born in Manila. In Metropolitan Hospital. My father is pure Chinese from Hong Kong. Then my mom is almost pure Chinese, but she lives in Tondo. So you have no Filipino blood? I have very small Filipino blood from my mother's side. So I'm also almost pure. How's it like growing up in a Chinese family? In terms of expectation, I'm the eldest of two. And the youngest is a girl. So everyone knows the pressure Chinese families put on the eldest son, the expectation is very very high. Like? They're expected to be achievers? Yes, for example, during my studies I always in 3rd or 2nd honor. But my sister always came in 1st honor. So I'm always compared to my sister. If only you were smarter or you should be like your sister. Ah, so there's comparison. Yes. You grew up feeling pressured? Yes. So I told my father that, I'll prove to him that I'm better than my sister. Ah, so it was like that. I heard that your father has a different way of disciplining you. Is he really strict? Yes, he would always hit us. I didn't understand why he always seemed mad at me. Before, he would hit me with a bamboo stick until it breaks. I would go to school with bruises. And my classmates would always tease me about them. And that's when I thought that they're right, I'm really pitiful. There was an instance when he was hitting me, and my mother blocked him, so he hit her instead. And since I was still a kid, I got mad at my father. I said, "Remember this, when I grow up I'll get back at you for this." How was your dynamics with your father like? Your relationship with him when you were still a child? When I was a child, I didn't really feel loved. Because as I said, for me he loves my sister more than me. So because of that, somehow, I started a rebellion against him. You didn't talk, you weren't able to communicate your feelings - to your father when you were a child?
- Never. To your mother? She knew everything because when I was growing up I was always hit by my father and I would always cry afterwards. She really knew that I hated my father. So the pain built up? Pain, hurt. So when you were growing up, you received a lot of pressure from your father. Correct. He had an iron fist, he was strict with you. You were also going through something with your sexuality? When I was young, since I came from a Chinese community, I had no awareness about homosexuality. But then at that time, I remember an instance where I had a -- Crush. I said, he looks manly. How old were you then? When I was in elementary, but then, I was still courting a girl because that is the norm. In high school, that's when I started to have a strong attraction towards -- - Men?
- Yes, towards men. But I still ignored them because of our Chinese community, we never talked about homosexuality. It's a taboo topic. Actually, I had a self-reflection. I said, I know it's wrong to be attracted to the same sex. But then, that's when I realized that because I never felt love from my father, I was looking for someone to fill the void in my heart. Father figure. Father's love. Yes, correct. And because I tried to date a girl but then, for me, it was like, how would you love if you weren't able to receive love, right? And because with the norm, it's the man that shows affection first before the woman, right? The man usually courts the woman first. He would court her first. And that's the part I felt was missing. So I said, how should I court a woman? So that's why I started to -- Be attracted? Yes, as I said, okay, maybe having a relationship with the same sex would fill that void. The father's love that you've been longing for. So what I looked for back then, was someone older because I was longing for a father figure. You were longing for a father figure. So when did you first had a relationship with men? At what age? Maybe around college. But you hid it? Yes, they didn't know. But I feel like my mother knew. Because you know the things with mothers. - Mothers have sharp instincts.
- Correct. Yes. Because back then, in ABS-CBN, the Flames series was really famous. And there was one episode is about a mother with lesbian and gay children. So I asked my mother, what if you find out that one of your children is gay? Or a lesbian? Oh, you said that? She said, it's okay. Oh, so it's okay for her. I said, "Ma, I'm gay." She was stunned. She said, "Are you sure?" How old were you when you came out to your mother? At the time that I was in a relationship with a man. I was probably around 22 years old, because I was in college then. How was your relationship with your first love? How was the experience? Did you find the father's love you've been longing for? No. Just like a normal relationship with a man and a woman it didn't last long. And unfortunately with the nature of men, it was more promiscuous. So it really didn't last long. So you left the Phillipines, right? Correct. When you went to America, did you go all out with being gay? No. Because while in the US, I only focused on work. Because my intention was to really prove my father wrong. So it was really just work, work, work. It came to a point that I was no longer happy. Because? That's when I realized that I wasn't happy, after I reflected. Because everything I did was not something I wanted. I was just proving my father wrong. That's when I realized that proving someone wrong, doesn't make things right. Yes, you won't have fullfilment. Correct. Because what you're doing is for someone else, not for your own self. Yes. So you came back to the Phillipines? Yes, because that's when I had my quarter life crisis. I was around 30 years old at the time. And I said, I was no longer happy. I really requested to return to Manila. When you returned to Manila, your life changed. I went all out then. When you came back? Yes because for the first 30 years of my life, it was about studies then work. You surpressed your happiness? Yes. So when I came home, I start going to bars. I wasn't even drinking yet by that time. I've been going to bars more frequently, that's when I started drinking. When I started drinking, I of course found some sets of friends. And that's where the drugs came in. They introduced it to you? Yes. Who are those friends of yours? The people I met at the bar. Because during that time, they filled the void that kept me company whenever I feel lonely. And to also fit in. And during that time, because I came from the US I gained too much weight. Around 300 pounds. So I was really big. What did you take back then? First it was ecstasy, because it's the party drugs. So that's what can be found at the bar. So you partied. And to lose weight? I used meth. That's where meth started. Did you really lose weight? Yes, I shrinked. Because usually when you use meth, you start with smoking it then proceed with injecting it. Drugs that are injected? With meth, you can also inject it. And it affects you longer than simply smoking it. So you really went hardcore? At first I thought I just wanted to try it. Back then I started buying just 1000 pesos worth. Until I ended up buying 10,000 pesos worth. Of drugs? I would order in bulk. So you did it every day? Almost every day. So you went wild with it? That was my escape from all the pain and hurt that I desperately tried to cover. And that was my temporary happiness. It's like with beer or wine, isn't it when you get drunk... But when you wake up, you're depressed or lonely again. Actually I read something like that. Those who drink or do drugs, they're really not addicted to the substance, they're addicted to escaping reality. Correct, yes. I did drugs for almost 7 years. So I was really addicted. And at that time, I really wanted to stop. And at that time, I started to get sick. But I didn't go for checkups, I just ignored it. What sickness? Like what? My feet suddenly feels sore or I would have trouble walking. Or rashes would suddenly appear on my skin. - That happened during the 7 years you did hardcore drugs?
- Yes. And the way I lost weight didn't really look nice. You looked like you were sick. Yes, a lot of people said that. I thought at the time that it's because of the meth I took everyday. So the way I lost weight is not good. You look frail. Dry. Very dry. At that time, I resigned from my company. And unfortunately, I didn't find a new job. So I cannot sustain the life I had when I still had money. Because I was renting an apartment in Makati. So I was forced to go back home. - To your parents?
- To my parents. So I confessed. Because they were confused as to why I no longer had money. And you also looked so thin. And how I was thin. So they asked me what happened. So I told them. I said, I did drugs. My family said, that I was a burden to them and that I shouldn't bring them down with me. And at that time, our house suddenly burned down. So they moved to a new house and they kicked me out. My father called it "a graceful exit". Those were his words. That's when I experienced being homeless in the streets of Cubao. And then I experienced sleeping in the streets and begging for money. How old were you then? I was around 37 years old. 37. Because from 30 to 37 years old, that's the time when-- you kept doing drugs and wasted all your money. Yes. Didn't you feel self-pity then? At that time, I said... I didn't know the Lord at that time. I said, Lord, why are you bringing me down like this? There are men more evil than me. Why me? I only did drugs. Where did you get the money for your meals while living in the streets? I begged. I really went around cafeterias and begged. The taxi drivers really helped me. Imagine that, from a-- 6-digit earner? Yes. 6 digit earner, who worked in America to a beggar. I was able to experience a life that I had blessings. And I also experienced a life where I really had nothing. And those that helped me used to be addicts too. And in order for me to survive that time, I had to do what they're doing. Ah, you met that group in the streets? Yes, because they saw me. They pitied me. So they helped me sell drugs. And in order to sell drugs, there should also be sex involved. So that's what happened. It's really not prostitution. There's simply an exchange. In order for him to buy drugs, he has to fuck me first. That was the deal. If not, I won't be able to sell to him. And in that one month, nothing really happened with my selling because in the world of drugs, there are also scammers. So there's really no profit. There's no future. You're just running in circles but it's still a dead end. Yes, and it's like they're just fooling each other. So how did you escape that lifestyle while living in the streets, where you came to the point that you sold your own body. How? I found a church that handed me 100 pesos. That's what I used to get back to our burnt house. So at that time, the owner has yet to take the property. So I squatted there for almost 8 months. In our burnt house. You never went back to your family? Because I was disowned, right? So you didn't attempt to apologize or go home? You didn't want to? I apologized but my father, he reached the point that he had enough. So at that time my mother and sister helped me in secret. But in my heart, I know that my father also knew. That's why at that time, my health turned worse and I got really sick. So my sister said that I should have a check up in a government hospital. At first, I didn't want to. But then, she said "you really have to get a check up". "Either you let yourself get weaker or get better." So we went to a government hospital for a check up then they asked me to get an HIV screening. Because with the screening, there's also counseling. They would ask you, "Have you injected drugs?" "Have you done unprotected sex?" So my sister told the truth. He's injecting drugs. And I also said that I was having sex with the same sex. And was unprotected. Okay, so what happened? And that I was also injecting drugs that I used the same injection that others have used. It was like that because I didn't have money. Screening was a simple act of pricking. So you'll just wait around 15 to 30 minutes. After 15 minutes? The result came out, reactive. Meaning? Positive. It was 2017 when I had the HIV screening in a government hospital but then we received the confirmatory letter, we were shocked to find out that I've been confirmed since 2016. That you have HIV? That I have HIV. So I didn't know. So you were already sick while living in the streets? That's that. That's why when my father disowned me, he would rather hear that I commited suicide than return home. And then my mom, she would introduce me as her nephew. So it was like that. It was really, it really hurt to hear that. Maybe that's when I encountered the Lord without me knowing. Which part? When I was homeless. He was breaking apart my pride without me knowing. Because from a 6-digit earner I became a beggar? It was really hard. And at that time, I blamed my father for everything. He's the reason why I became gay. He's the reason why I became a drug addict. And he's the reason why I had HIV. So I blamed him for everything. When I was in the hospital and when I started treatment someone came. They would come every Wednesday to share the gospel. They said to me, "Do you believe that there are no accidents for the Lord?" So the person who shared to me, seemed... he also seemed gay. So at first, I didn't believe. But then I said, "Lord, I've already lost everything." "What else is there for me to lose." Right there and then, I accepted Jesus. I said, "Okay Lord, I have nothing else to lose." So when you accepted Him, what changed? A lot changed. That's when my life started turning better. As I grow deeper into the word, that's when I realized that it was not my father's fault. It was my choice. So I just sent him a message. I asked for forgiveness and said, "I realized that it was my mistake." Because that's when I realized that as parents, they also ask themselves what they did wrong. I assured them that they did nothing wrong. I was the one who did wrong. So they shouldn't take it against themselves. It was my mistake. They became less strict towards me at that time. When the anger, bitterness and rebellion vanished. Because the Lord is the Lord of chances. Restoration. Also restoration. He also has timing. It's like everything that happens have purpose. Maybe if I didn't forgive my father, I wouldn't be able to go to Baguio. Why did you go to Baguio? At that time, my mother died. After a while, it was only in January this year, I was hired as a community mobilization officer of LoveYourself Baguio. What is LoveYourself Baguio? LoveYourself is a community of people who? Our advocacy is to really provide HIV awareness and HIV screening. What does it feel like to live with HIV? To me... When I didn't have the Lord yet, I thought it was a curse, I am thankful for a lot of things. Right now, my CD4 count or immune system count is 158. That means? The normal count is 1000. I was 158, so it's still low. So I'm still in the AIDS condition. It's like, I still get infected quickly. If you have a cough, it could turn into tuborcolosis to me. And if you have colds, to me it can turn into pneumonia. But by the grace of the Lord, I don't look like I have the CD4 count of 158. You actually look heathy. I look healthy, right? Then another grace of the Lord is, I have a disability. Because of my sickness, my left eye is blind. So He didn't let both my eyes turn blind. And another grace is that it doesn't seem obvious. It's not obvious that I have a disability. It's also not obvious that you have a disability. So there, it has become a blessing. And at the time I was working as an IT I was never invited to speak in front of people. But when I met the Lord, I was able to speak in front of people in Araneta Coliseum. Then in 700 Club Asia then now, here in Toni Talks. To tell your story? To tell the story of the Lord in my life. Because it is no longer my story, it is the story of the Lord. How He changed me. Because I had nothing to be proud of with my life. It was really all rubbish. But it was God's saving grace that's why I'm sitting here now infront of you and everyone. Because I experienced God's love that's why even though it's hard to tell nothing is hard with the Lord. So what did you find in Him? That's where I experienced God's love. It was the Lord that filled the void in my heart. Because when no one else provided opportunity to me, the Lord was the only one who gave me a chance. Actually, chances in life. But, how's your relationship with your father now? I simply pray everyday that, "Lord, I stand on your promises." "Especially you are the God-- His ministry is the ministry of reconcilation. Restoration. And restoration. So in your life right now, what are you grateful for? I'm grateful that I'm still alive. And that the Lord provided me with the opportunity to share the love of Christ And I pray for them to blessed, that whatever they're going through, that they feel hope. For them to be blessed with hope that they can hold onto.
