Crying Through The Darkness - Kyle Cease with Joey Hauss

started giving me this montage of moments of my mom so loving me we're in our ego we have this my mom never approved of me [ __ ] and like there's this underlying thing and it showed me that and it showed me this other thing and I just started becoming this fast montage of my mom loving me and then like I just felt like this energy that was like her arms wrapped around me and it was like her rocking me and singing to me my heart is open with all of you thank you for being in my lives everybody I want to I've got it excited I'm excited because I'm about to bring on Joey in a second and I'm excited because Joey and I haven't spoken since he got back from the darkness retreat now I went to the darkness retreat a few weeks ago and for ten days I was in complete pitch-black listening to darkness and listening to silence lisa says I gained weight looking good thank you and I which to the dark does retreat and sat in silence I know I've talked about it a little bit 235 hours for me in total silence and I don't know how long Joey was there but I bet you anything he knows how long he was there because there's nothing else to do but figure out how many seconds you've been in that room like so much magic happens but you're also extremely aware of how many more seconds till you're done I remember being like okay there's only two days left okay exactly how many what did I do what was the revelation I had the exact same amount of time from then until now from now until I'm done and being in this place of like just constantly being like I can't wait to get out of here but then those things would pass and then I'd be really present and I'd find God on a new level and be here and I don't know it was kind of amazing too so so Joey went and he just got back and we haven't spoken at all other than a quick I'm back kind of text message and congratulations but I'm so excited to have a discussion with him tonight about what what he discovered there and I you know I I know there's a level of where we look to qualified people that we listen to based on what their degree is or did you did you do this thing there did you discover you know and how many years did you study this and to me when someone does real real real deep work like this and changes who they are you want to hear from someone like that no matter how much someone studies something it's nothing compared to the classroom of life the classroom of silence the classroom of darkness the classroom of now the classroom of your soul and I know that Joey just experienced that so if we could bring my dear friend Joey onto the screen to talk about what his experience was and collaborate with me on what mine was and see how many things we discovered where we had in common and what you realized about you and how's it going my brother it's going really well Kyle good to see you so yeah it was about 240 hours a 14400 minute about 864,000 seconds so yeah you definitely start doing the math while you're in there wait it's true yeah at least like the first I'd say like the first like few days because of initially it's such a shock to the system so it's like oh [ __ ] I'm gonna be in here for ten days hopefully I'll sleep this amount of time and then like you don't and then so it's a guy well the nine days so like tomorrow at about this time I'll be about a quarter of the way through which means I'm halfway to halfway so like little little mind games I get played to like just try to initially to survive and then like I felt I found my rhythm in their belts like a way to really just for lack of a better term like softened and just really relaxed to the process and then it became less and less about counting days counting hours and things like that you know that actually brings up a good point for anyone doing anything that is a transformation of themselves meaning like let's say you're you stop drinking or you just want to quit an addiction or become something different or meditate every day you know the first few days you are kind of in your head right anything so you're counting the minutes and it's like that part of you that's kind of against where you are that's always at war with where you are that's like how many more minutes tell I'm at the end of this thing it's kind of remember that you know you get four or five six days in and it's just now this is Who I am it starts to become more and more like you're not monitoring that like you lose that thing you lose that part of you that's trying to get it right and trying to you know that's so triggered right like it just you once you're at day seven you still have those thoughts but it's like way quieter right like fleeting it's like huh okay three more days okay and then it's LA then you don't think about it anymore where I felt like all of day one was like okay well I've probably got in like three hours through so 237 more hours to go okay good so that was a nightmare though that was really I think I saw someone in the comments it's something about like white-knuckling it and that's what it felt like day one I felt was by far the hardest day for me because it was just like such a shock to the system it's like oh [ __ ] I remember at one point like it felt because of I went in at night so I got there like at 8:00 p.m. I kind of checked the surroundings go back in I Scott takes like the light bulb out and so I go I think here we go went to sleep had the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my life and like wake up okay I was like I don't know if that was a day 12 hours two hours I just like alright that felt like a good sleep and so then it was like okay trying to how much longer do I have in this and then it became it felt like hours had gone by and I was like oh man it's gotta been like close to a day that's happened and then it felt like more hours went by and I was like all right a day for sure had to have happened and then it felt like more hours went by and like did he forget about me okay am i and then it started to become I remember like there was a movie mission to Mars we're like one of the things that they're tested on is how they do in isolation for like 24 hours and I was like thinking like 24 hours is a challenge why the hell am i I'm here for ten days and it became this like what am i doing but like within that I kind of got to rediscover my why I got a go over mantras I got to like have like uh like releases of emotion to cried and then it started to become easier from there but like the first day was by far the hardest because like being so in my head trying to count down the time and also probably just with the constant awareness that there's so many more days nine more days of this yeah dude and I remember I don't know if you experienced this did he come once a day with food or twice a day with food so the first day because he mentioned that he was gonna be coming once a day and then I was like wait a minute like Kyle I think you have twice a day and so when he came that first day and it was just so much I was like hey would it be possible to have you come twice a day just so I can kind of because of like the first day it felt like an all-day thing and then my mind started feeling what if it's 11:00 in the morning right now like what if like whole hours had gone by so like I feel him coming in the morning coming in the evening helped to kind of mitigate that but then after day five I was like you can just start coming once a day so I just had him start coming in the evening on day five and what's really weird was I remember for me like day four he came at night and I was like it has to be day five like I it's just been so long that I've been in here there is no way this dude's not knocking on the door at like the afternoon of day five yeah and um hey what day is it and because just you know they they bring people for people asking how do you know what day it was you have when you have a to door thing that he puts food in one door and then closes it so it's still dark for you and then you open it up and he just says hi a little bit or he rings a bell from a distance and then you know he's there you have the opportunity to talk to him or you don't have to and I just was saying what day is it when he goes it's night of day four I was like I thought it was like September like yes that yeah like I have processed 400 years worth of [ __ ] in the four days mm-hmm you know what I mean like I have like which is what's amazing about it you're also getting more and more [ __ ] processed in the fastest amount it's like you can't you're not leaving you don't step out a little bit and see this Sun and it's like you're in there fully yeah right so yeah and I remember like I was uh cuz like I was so lost in the time thing like on day one where I was compulsively checking that Dumbledore I'm like alright did he come and like I was just so lost that I didn't hear him and like I felt like I checked it probably every few hours like nope still no new food in there but yeah like my biggest breakthrough of the whole thing happened on the end of day two I know yeah Matt like so for me like first getting there and then like is like you know the kind of the wrestler marine and me like I had like an intention of like basically building like mental emotional spiritual endurance and like you know I just kind of being able to kind of deal with more but then the part of me that's like alright ten days nine days just trying to look it as a mountain to tackle and so because of that day one was just so hard and at the end of day one I was just so overcome with the fact that it's like such a mountain to tackle that I haven't my first my release I cried it's a thing that I don't do often I don't like I don't have any judgement against it but for some reason I just don't have releases like that that often and at the end of day one I had like a really powerful cry and then I recognized like okay like this thing isn't to build up so much over ten days that it's just gonna like melt my brain and I'm gonna go crazy it's gonna build up and then I'm gonna have a release and then after that release I just felt amazing and I was like okay like I get this now and then so for day two where I had like was like my big kind of revelation so you mentioned to kind of bring in something that like makes you feel good something that makes you feel comfortable Ike I think you mentioned I was like Diddy's blanket and I I didn't have anything like that so like I had a Mary and Lindzi when they sent us like the t-shirts and everything within it there was like a crystal and an essential oil and so like I remember like the essential oil just like it smelt good and I got one like something now they'd okay this is pleasant and so at the end of day two I put the essential oil on and I smell it and something about doing that like connected me to that moment where I don't know if Mary like bought the essential oil or made it but like the process of her like making it buying it and then being like oh Jovi would appreciate this and like putting it in the box it was like such a small act of love and care that like connected me to like a million other moments of just love and care whether it's from like a parent a friend whatever it is but oh just like bombarded with these like really small loving moments and had like an insanely hard cry from like feeling so loved in this world and like I would cry and then I would like there was like I saw I would sing that kind of like sued me and then at the end of it it was just like perfect bliss like the kind of bliss that like I feel so many of us are reading sacred texts and doing these like plant ceremonies to get to and I just like from day two of being in the dark no plant medicine no nothing of just feeling loved having this insane cry and then just feeling it like perfect bliss there was no anything that came and like disturbed it and so for me that was like the big breakthrough I was like okay like I want this for 10 days and so it became less about counting down like well like what's gonna it's like okay I get there's a lot of good that's gonna happen in this thing well and I think that I kind of like I hope you don't mind but I'd love to take like the breakthroughs we had in that condensed time and see how they apply to life because solely because when you get the feedback on day two that you felt really good your mind now isn't just focused on what you're losing it's now entering the new world right yes so this was really trippy because like I just have realized like when you are creating a new life for yourself like let's say you move to a new city you you might spend the first amount of time like really sad about the old city but then you go to some local store and you have a moment and now your mind gets evidence of the new moment as a new possibility and that's when it stops needing full evidence of exactly how many more days of this or this thing because now it's like actually the mind shifts from you know this this you know really painful task to whoa like I just got a so I wasn't when on day one when I was anticipating all the future days I assumed they would all feel like day one yeah yeah then day two is this massive magical moment so now when you go to day three it's like you're sitting here going I wonder what magic you switched to a mindset of what magical moment is coming and even when you have a really painful moment you start going here comes there's a part of you it's like oh you're bringing up some childhood trauma huh you know like I'm in and then sometimes you try to like fat speed it up or for slavery you know like there's this kind of party that when you start feeling pain now instead of going oh my god I'm in hell is like what's coming cuz I know that the that God is going to completely take care of this in about 15 minutes which you'll feel like 17 hours but it will be done very shortly right did you notice that like that yeah like I I was like I was looking forward to the cries because of as I said like it's not a thing that I do like in my day of us alright I need to have a good cry now yet I feel like throughout the day it's like a thing that would be a good thing like oh I should probably cry right now get this like weird energy out and so like I started to look forward to the cries and then you're right like there were points where there was like a force cuz like there'd be points like later on because like the first I'd say for days I'd like have nice hard consistent cries and then it became oh I just feel good and they would happen less and less and like it points in day six were like I'd feel kind of something and it's like where I would like try to trick my body into like I'd like fake cry for a little bit to get like the same [ __ ] that was the breakthrough from re pulling enough like my mom yeah about that dude and that's how the ego works it tries to orchestrate the same surrender from last lesson but what we we don't get is that is that every time you have pain you get a totally new breakthrough so you have to stay in surrender so there's so many times where you're in pain you're like okay I know how I solve this last time so I'm going to egoic Lee create the breakthrough myself but as you're in this work you're in the surrender the whole time and you know and you start to get I think I don't know about you but I started getting by day four or five six like I actually would say more like six seven eight there's I am not I there's just wait there's nothing for me you know what I'm saying like there's no ability for me to orchestrate or anything this breakthrough right like I'm every time I try to do what my lesson was from the last one or orchestrated I would be in hell yeah and then I know I'm on my knees asking God to take it you know what I mean I don't know experienced a moment like that yeah I feel like it'd be like so for like the first few days it was just like it would sporadically calm Harb cry feel good and then it started to become like all right let me try faking these cries and it didn't work and then it's just like switched we're like Oh like okay I guess I don't like if I don't need to cry what am i doing and I would just like I'd like I'll have like fun while I'm in here and I would like sing songs like loudly like and just like I would notice also like in the beginning it was like singing these songs that would try to like bring on like the emotional kind of feeling and then that towards the end it was all like feel-good songs like I did just feel good and it was just like something to do till I fill up that plenty of space that you have between every day so yeah like it was though I'm catch myself trying to force a thing and it would be like it wouldn't be like I would like be miserable or anything like that but I wouldn't have like no like attachment like I would feel nothing we're before like it's like saying that mantra like apologizing to that person while I was in there or like praying doing whatever it was that like would bring about that emotional thing I would like think about that person again and like apologize but it was like empty and I was like okay I guess that's not what needs to happen right now right right right yeah I remember once like falling to my knees and be like God take this from me you know and then like it's in then God did and then I felt really free and then like two hours later it starts bringing up another thing so I'm immediately on my knees take this now dude you're still in charge not God now you know what I mean like it's like your ego eclis trying to do this again yeah you know what I mean and like that was such a just like you gotta be with that pain in that fear because it's it will still decide on its own when it's time but it will decide it will at one point give you that out you know huge breakthrough for me a moment that was so big was in in my in maybe day seven I was like thinking about my mom and it just started showing like there was a me that had in my childhood believed like I want to be seen by my mom in a certain way and I'm trying to get my mom to see that I'm enough for whatever and then it just showed me this one moment where I was at I was at a band camp and when my mom dropped me off you know my parents dropped me off and I remember being alone for a week at a band camp and and me calling my mom wants to be like day one in when they got back to the house and like really being sad like really crying and missing home and then I got to the end of it I pictured the end of it and my mom came with my dad to see me at a concert like the way they the parents could come see the kids as we all do a concert and that's how and I just remember there was like five hundred parents in the audience and my mom standing up and waving at me so excited to see her son you know and then it started [ __ ] like this still hits me because like it showed me that and then it showed me like my mom coming to the the Burbank Airport being like Kyle and like a cop was telling my mom ma'am stand back and I hated how he was talking to her my mom's like no I want him to see like I got in here and he's like ma'am like he's like making her be quiet and just how it started giving me this montage of moments of my mom so loving me we're in our ego we have this my mom never approved of me [ __ ] and like there's this underlying thing and it showed me that and it showed me this other thing and it just started becoming this fast montage of my mom loving me and then like I just felt like this energy that was like her arms wrapped around me and it was like her rocking me and singing to me and then it cut like I hope you guys don't mind this is crazy but then it cuts like it cuts like I'm a director it cuts my grandma who was a political activist and one of us probably the sweetest woman in the world and she sat with me when I was a kid no this was coming she's that with me when I was a kid at the piano and played like songs from like Oliver Twist and Annie and everything and I sat next to her and played on day seven or eight I actually can't remember the silence had been so long that I could hear her singing it like exactly I could hear her breathing in I could hear and she was it was like she was there and this healed something in me because it had been so silent and I felt so much love and I could hear my my mom and my grandma who both passed away and like they were really there and it was just like like rocking with my mom and my grandma and it was so beautiful it was like the greatest moment ever and it's so funny because our ego goes oh I need my mom's approval my mom never saw me you know and like it then showed me all the ways that she saw me that your ego doesn't notice you know mm-hmm you know how would she love me and like it's weird because I heard uh Bree Marquez talk about his time in the darkness and he talked about the unconditional love from his mom to it on his day six or something and I was like I had the exact same thing like she was holding me and loving me and it like healed stuff you know mm-hmm and I don't know if you had anything like that like I mentioned with the UH with like smelling the essential oil and like how you met like just being bombarded with like flashes of moments and then there was one that like stuck out and it was like with my mom I've thought about like my mom a whole lot while there because I do think there is this like unconditional love it's like the first person that like really like shows it to us on that level and it's like always there but it's so easy to kind of like forget as we live life and also like our ego like recognizing that it starts at such a young age and I remember like growing up my mom like there was five of us and but like my mom was like supermom and like there's always at every field trip every like thing always taking pictures always doing the thing and like the one moment that really stood out to me like my mom just really going like above and beyond was like so like when I graduated boot camp and school of infantry like in the Marines I graduated is like the honor graduate like when I was in boot camp I got a wear different thing I like school of infantry was like out of 300 infantry Marines being the number one person and like I didn't tell my parents anything about me being the honor graduate in school of infantry because it happened after boot camp I want it to be like this big surprise and so like they say like Marines to be awarded come Center and like so I'm coming out there and a part of me was like I knew my mom would know beforehand and so there were two like two stands were all there like you know parents and all the families would sit to watch and in between the two stands there was like the generals decks like the general was there there were Colonels and sergeants major and like the one set of stands here was the one closer and I figured that's when my mom would be because it would be the better place to take pictures and everything like that and so like as I'm marching stoic as a marine like kind of looking at the corner of my eye like why is my mom where like she should be and she wasn't there and it was like such a shock to me because Mike man like that would be like the perfect spot to be yet like my mom isn't there and then when we go like front and center like we're facing like the generals place was the general the Colonel's and sergeant major I see like my mom elbowing her way in between marine corps Colonels a perfect picture who's just she was the only regular person and it was all just a general kernels all these high-ranking people but yeah I did like that that like that doesn't matter like oh like that's my son excuse me sir get out the way I got to get that picture and it was just like being like more with like small moments like that of just her coming through and really going above and beyond to make like a small beautiful moment happen just like to capture the perfect picture you know and yeah like it's just like throughout the whole time just like seeing that but also knowing like I didn't see it with like these eyes of just like being in gratitude and love it was like mom what are you doing right in the generals box kind of thing but like gaining a new perspective like wow like what an amazing thing what like an amazing amount of unconditional love to like do just something small like that yeah definitely like a lot of just moments like that but yeah that moment I remember cuz I remember like I would like cry and laugh like while I was thinking about it just like how beautiful and like ridiculous it was at the same time Wow would you have as far as I mean at the level you want to talk about as far as your dad I'm like like a same thing like but it was uh like a lot of like forgiveness because like my dad's like a perfect dad but at the same time just as far as like kind of wanting to be seen a certain way I he doesn't see that everything's like yeah but how much money did you make doing that like not even that long ago like like seven or eight months ago like traveling the world teaching the wim HOF method like breathing I went to Iraqi Kurdistan taught like the president of Iraqi Kurdistan like tell my dad and he goes yeah but how much money you make oh my god did you not hear like I did a really cool [ __ ] thing and like being in there like just like seeing these moments but seeing it as a place from like no he's doing that not as like like I don't care but it's like I care so much like are you like wasting your time are you like doing that dodgy you know you're worth like it's it comes from a place but because of I'm not always like receptive of it and it's just like you're not seeing the thing I want you to see he's like seeing like my blind spot of like yeah I'll do that for free like I don't care I'll figure that out but it's also like a different generation and also yeah there's like a blind spot I have of like are you making the money you need to be making doing this and it was like I saw all these moments like that like these moments where I felt unseen or like unappreciated but like kind of like seeing it through his eyes of like my boys like interesting he does weird things that I don't get but like I got to make sure that he's like you know getting along in this world and doing what he needs to do yeah so yeah like it was like a lot of seeing things from his perspective and it just gave like it wasn't like a thing I needed to do there was like a forgiveness that just kind of came in the body of like okay like these are things that he does that are like they're acts of love that are just like it's me not seeing ya em right then well and doesn't that bring up the point that almost everything if not everything is coming from an act of love yeah yeah like yeah that's hard to perceive but like when you're like my parents don't see me no no they have their blueprint and they're trying to get you to see things through that blueprint it might be through their ego but you might later you might be only able to look at it from your ego see this to me is a reason why I do these things because people say you know like I I when I told people I was doing this and I'm sure you experienced this too people just talk like there's no there's no benefit to it like like you're why would you go to that they do torture people yeah yes so that's called solitary confinement yeah except for one as you chose to do it and you're in control of it and they're feeding you gourmet food and the other one is you're stuck there and didn't plan this yeah like people are asking me like just like the only thing that's happening is I'm going to go through hell versus like there's a benefit that I know that's bigger than spending ten days doing anything that I can see the guarantee of what I'll get you know like to me you know if you're just doing something because you see the guarantee of a paycheck or you're doing something because you see the guarantee of approval like I like to do things that I don't know what the guarantee is right like but but I find that the what you get on the other side of it is so much bigger like there was something about my body when it said I'm going to the thing where I was like I wonder if I'll access a dimension of magic I wonder if I'll heal things in a way that that I didn't know was there I wonder if I'll have a new perspective and feel loved with everyone around me I wonder if dude the amount of times that like it would show me like in the last five days there was so much less giving a [ __ ] about success or what the next thing is that's big it was just me sitting with Divi it was literally the amount of times it was Viviane like in Christie being there in a saying grace like just saying grace like the amount of times that it was just like and I've never I hadn't said that before right and I was like I just want moments I just want moments I it's no more chasing a big thing like it's just moments literally that's all we have and if you really are in a moment fully it will feel better than any far goal that you were hoping to achieve like if you're just you know sitting there with a been our schedule is this and we hit a million dollars on this date or whatever that feeling of a million dollars is nowhere near the feeling of your awareness a moment mmm right like that's what starts showing up I've at least started showing it for me and quite a bit of the last few days like it was just like dude all life is is showing me something yeah it's just trying to show you something the amount of magic that happens if you don't ego eclis try to figure out what you need to do about something but just sit back in life is to eat whether it's a positive and you want to go whoa like look at the stars or look at the magic of the world or if it's a negative like you feel like [ __ ] when I teach people I'm like just be with it there's no action oh what's coming up for you it's just wanting to show us stuff and we're just here to witness life and I find the more we witness it the more magic does its thing and the more magic can come to you and the more right like did you know yeah because of like I'll even go a step further because like it's like instead of like looking for like moments it's for me like it was like getting to an awareness because like the moments are always there and so like especially you're on that moment of day - I had the big cry but like it was other moments like it where like it was this kind of like I guess like as far as like putting it perceptually like like in temperature you can make things infinitely hot you can keep adding heat things can get billions trillions of degrees but you can't make things infinitely cold like eventually you take away all the heat and it's like minus 273 degrees Celsius or whatever you hit zero degrees Kelvin there's no more heat it's perfect it's as cold as a thing gets and like within that it was recognizing like the more and more it is trying to strive for these goals it's like you can make yourself infinitely miserable because then you you hit that goal and that and will now laughs like I don't feel the thing versus like when I was in there in two days having a powerful cry literally only having the bottom to of like Maslow's hierarchy of needs covered I had shelter I had food and within 48 hours with no help of plant medicine I was in like there was just zero like additional and I was in perfect bliss like it was just being in that moment and I was like I don't need anything else like like there was no like this is nice but if this were here would be a little nicer it was just like being in that like I need like this is where I want to be this is like the like the place I want to be and it wasn't like I had to do all these crazy things to get there it's not like I had all these things with me that made me even more comfortable I was literally in the dark with my basic needs covered and I felt like a bliss unlike like other than like a plant medicine kind of thing or just kind of being like in a moment of pure love or something like that like a moment we're just kind of no additional thing was added and I felt like this perfect bliss like wow like I can just have this like I can just be here and it was like recognizing that the things like the reason I'm not there all the time are like these little miniature distractions whether it's like a physical thing of ooh I don't like this feeling coming up let me scroll on social media or let me binge watch this show or it is like having these goals of like yeah but like once I hit that goal I'll get the thing not recognizing hold on let me just stop and like just observe and feel and allow and if something wants to come up and come out letting it come up and come out and just in doing it like the fact that in 48 hours with no help of any additional thing right reaching a bliss that like I can't remember like the last time being right in 48 hours so here is something that means that by Friday at 6 p.m. there's a level of happiness available that you've never seen before yeah and it's not like someone's gonna go here's a check for a million dollars here's like the thing it's just like oh here's like this awareness and did you notice how much I mean it's guess that's kind of what you're saying like we had the few needs met and then you're feeling more bliss but did you notice how much striving like for a million dollars was like that's just almost in the way yes I don't care about that like I just found myself not caring about that it was so much more it was like you're watching like like the greatest show in the world and it starts getting but the more you're in it the better the show gets and you're just you know at first like [ __ ] this is a ten day movie and and it's really slow at first it's just like it's got the best payoff ever in history you know what did you did you notice any moments of like actual feelings of kind of supernatural magic like I noticed in the last couple days really the feeling of seeing the stars through the wall I don't know if you had any like actually feeling like you could see nothing like that but I will say that man like the dreams I had in there and how like often I would loose a dream like it was like oh it was it was like being in another dimension because of the dreams felt more real than reality and I had those dreams every night and other than that I can't remember the last time like I had a dream that I can remember and then I have like 10 days of just dreams where it's like me and not like this kind of fuzzy kind of like you know avatar of me was like me there and like there'd be times like oh I'm dreaming cool I get to go on this like adventure and I get a kind of get away from just pure dark for a little bit and I get a like go on a little side quest like here and like it was just like that was really the thing of like huh like this reality feels more real than the reality that I've just been in this whole time so I would say that's probably the closest to like a supernatural kind of thing that I did experience but like they blew my mind the kind of things that I had did you have the dumb technical question but did you have what I had which is where you found like one teeny spot that wasn't fully covered like that that like in the house like that you can actually see like a pinprick of where the Sun was like are not like you like you're in full darkness you can't see [ __ ] like I smashed my how many times you hit your head on something like my head my feet because he has like those uh those little pillars that kind of come out there and I would hit my feet a lot and also it rained because like the whole thing's made of like almost like an Adobe like thing where it's mud that turns to rock at one point it rained really hard and like mud came from like the things like I would step in that like quite a bit so like little things like that yeah yeah yeah but I just remember at one point realizing I'm like day four like I found like behind some pipe when I was in the tub if I turn my head this way there was like like I mean the tiniest dog it's it's black but there was a dot that I could see oh it's day yeah I went right with that I went by sound if when I heard like birds chirping oh okay its morning time and when I heard like crickets going I was like okay it's night but there was one area was like a crack and like when it was just like the Sun or the moon like nothing really came through but like at one point it was like there was a light that was shining really brightly there and I looked at it and a part of me is like oh like I can like kind of see stuff and a part of me felt like oh like that's kind of like cheating I don't want to like cheat in this experience but then at the same point cuz it was like day like six or something like that and it was like what like the the sensation of seeing I'm like that feels nice like just to like see that I could kind of see like where my legs begin and end I was like ooh like that feels good just to be able to see a little bit I didn't I didn't feel like it was cheating I was like I'm doing the work there's no that little you know thumbtack print and the coin ruining the whole damn thing let me ask you this at night then I say we answer some questions if you want to only what was your do you have a biggest takeaway do you have a overall lesson or revelation about life or yourself or yeah like so like that honestly like that that day to crime was like by far the biggest thing because like I'd cried I experienced like that perfect bliss and so like there were a few things going on like the recognition of wow like the taking away of like not having additional stuff is what's making me in this bliss yeah I can feel like this without striving for a million dollars or a million followers or anything like this but at the same time so I was I was there in that perfect bliss and just like sitting there and enjoying it but as I said before it was like raining and so like little bits of water and like mud were coming down but at one point I can like hear there was like a dripping going on and the water I can hear was like hitting a particular spot that I can hear was like made out of like that mud and I can hear like the water was kind of like breaking it down and I it was because like I'm like in my feeling this but also hyper present to everything else going around and so like while I'm in that meditation just feeling like perfect like a part of my brain like it sees exactly where the water is dripping and then it sees like all right kind of problem solution I have towels I can just like unwind it here and then like as I was meditating like I see that solution to that thing and I go like man like but I'm really enjoying this bliss right now I could be ashame to get up and lose it and then like that higher voice was just a dude you can take this bliss with you as you go from here to there and it completely transformed how I even look at meditation because before it's like I looked at it as if you start your day like here's your baseline you meditate you're kind of go up a little bit but then like it's like the phone rings or someone taps you on the shoulder you're there like well you're kind of like you fall out of it a little bit like yeah it was like a recognition if I can go to that space and then like open my ax and still be meditating I can still like hold on to that high level of energy that high level of awareness and it doesn't need to be while I'm sitting doing this I can write talk to people from there I can do like emails from there I can do everything from there there's a lot of people that I work with that are clients and that I also have to remind myself all the time of this but this applies so much for people with kids because we always think of I want to meditate I want to connect to myself but I my kids interrupt it or you know I can't because and and the the thing that has come through every time when working with someone was the idea that they're here to keep your connection to yourself so much more than your connection to the idea that you're meditating yes because when you're meditating you can trick yourself into saying that's my home and I'm off right now because I'm not at my home where I meditate and home doesn't even have to be meditating it could be the house or the place that you think you need to escape to to get your own space to get away from someone or oh I just need time alone sometimes we truly do need that but I really believe the core reason we think we need that is because we don't get that our heart is our home so when you're meditating and your kid comes in and in your eyes interrupts it shift to your heart because you can bring this everywhere it's not about the location and it's not about the you know that it was so funny how like I was like maybe I should stay three more like I got today 10 and I'm sure you had moments Wars like what if I got took 15 that showed up all the time what if I and then it was like and then it told me on night 10 like you know because I came out near the middle of the day on day 10 hung out with the people and then the next morning was about to leave and I had these breakthroughs and I was like oh I'm supposed to stay longer and it's like dude you're seeing your family is also god yeah like see it's not just in the black place this might be a jump start because you're not aware that God is everywhere that your heart is always in the moment but just so you know when you go home you can keep being in the work you can keep on the plane be present on the land in the airport be present you know and and it was so crazy to realize your kids aren't interrupting you from your time away or your spouse isn't there causing you to get present right there they're causing you to make your heart your home in that moment when you're when you need time to meditate and you can't and your kids are interrupting your job right there is to get totally present to your heart because heart is our home is only our heart and we are so used to feeling always in our head because we think it's when I'm in a relationship or when I'm out of a relationship when I'm in this city when I'm in this house when I have the job and we mistake these external desires for our home and we trick ourselves into saying I'm not home unless I'm in this outcome unless I hit the money that I want unless I you write to get what I'm saying like unless I hit that thing and until I'm this weight this free of this addiction when until I'm all these things I'm never home and everyone is training themselves to believe they're never home until they win the fight until they're whatever and it's like dude there's no place other than here there's literally no place other than here there's literally everyone hearing this right now imagine just realizing that all of your past is [ __ ] I mean we can honor it but it doesn't exist it's included in this moment but you can't go to your past for real you can remember it you can even change the memory of it by I found when I went into my childhood there was a moment where my kid felt abandoned by my mom based on nothing she did just feeling unseen for a second and I currently went back to that kid and sat with him on the bed and told him like just so you know because I was the kid was like I need mom to communicate why she walked out of the room and I came in and sat with him and I wondered if I literally changed the past because I felt it leave out of me do you know what I mean yeah like I actually wondered if like like when I was a kid my mom said I'm probably gonna cry again but my mom said you can't watch TV you could I had a little TV in my bedroom she said the rule is you can't watch it at night that's it you can have this in your room when you wake up you can watch it whatever but you can't watch it at night and I had seen the movie the fly the original to fly for a second before and it scared the [ __ ] out of me right and one night I was in the living room and I saw the TV was on and my dad was watching the fly again and it's when he has a towel he's the scene where he has a talent he's now half fly and a woman at one point pulls the towel off and this fly man is here and she screams right and I saw that it was on and I saw him walking around with the with the towel on and I went up mom goes we got to get you to bed we gotta get you that and I go upstairs to my room and she leaves and I'm in blown and I'm like I'm gonna tough this out I'm gonna see and I turn on the TV upstairs and it's like right on that scene it's like she pulls the towel off and there's the fly and I'm like five writer sports I don't know I'm something really young and she screams and then I scream and my mom comes running up like what and I go the fly is gonna get me she goes the fly is not gonna get you and I go I just saw him on the TV and my mom just shifted from being compassionate about my fear to you watch this TV and I went from having compassion to in trouble and she was yanked the cord out and took the TV out and left and I was now scared of the fly and feeling abandoned and on day seven or some [ __ ] I felt myself go and sit with the terrified kid and I just I mean it was so clear cuz it was pitch black and silent for so long and I sat with him and I was like I just want you to understand you're not in trouble your mom understands that you're scared and I want you to know I know you feel abandoned right now but I just want you to know you're still loved she's gonna come back tomorrow and you're gonna be okay and this will pass and the flies all pretend and I set and I've watched the kid get it and and I wondered if like I literally because once the kid got it I felt it leave out of me so I was like did I just change my past like it doesn't exist anywhere but in my body and now I feel healed so it's like did I just show up and sit with little Kyle legit literally and and He healed himself because it wasn't lodged in my body anymore and that made me realize there really is no past other than the one that exists in your body and if we get present with it we can understand it and truly heal it but there's also no future and really all your past other than for healing and all your future are our escapes from the now they're really just escapes your giant goal setting of a million dollars is an escape from the now right it's like I am so scared of just being with my body so I need to keep screaming goals and and that'll be the solution or like when you eat for me when I eat off like immediately the giant fast and solution and workout plan is overriding the fact that I feel shame and myself for eating off right and like so I'm coming up with that thing so you end up in this surrender that you're just there literally as nothing but now and all of your past and future only exists now so we're here too and what I loved about the darkness retreat was it forced it right it forced that now on you wouldn't see it for that it allowed yeah like because of like there's no like being in a dark room isn't like like you drink ayahuasca the medicine is doing a thing you're just like there's no extra thing so it's like the thing wants to happen I feel like the more like allowed for everything to happen instead of like it forces it because yeah like we can kind of almost really create that at anytime yeah yeah dude we're it I mean it really helps it helps heal so many things understand that that the pain is that you're living in a secondary fear-based trained world but on this highest level there's an invincibility and knowing you just you know just knowing you have which I totally own many people don't know they have that but just know you have food and a roof and if you could just have enough money for that day or enough credit for that day versus needing to get from one number to a higher number or you know can you just have enough for just right now and be in the practice of the appreciation I just have enough for just right now just right now just right now you don't go to Cheesecake Factory need them to have two hundred thousand dollars worth of food right you can't eat it all right just now I don't know if that resonates for you yeah like because I can every moment that we are in it does feel that like me being here if I'm stressed by tomorrow like I do this thing I don't want to do like my present moment is kind of being I have all that additional things just kind of like you're adding heat you're adding all those additional elements that are taking you out of that versus just like alright all there is is now like I forgive what I've done in the past I'm ready to surrender to what's gonna happen in the future and you kind of just take away those additional things that are costly because it is like you recognize while you're in there so much of your experience like how Dave one is a nightmare because you're like yeah I don't like to wait I feel like Anna am I gonna freak out in these 10 days and then as you kind of just surrender more and more like it becomes easier and easier actually like Mary had said to me because like we had a guy like a little mini team meeting before I left for the darkness retreat and like some of the mantras that I had were from like Mary and Lindsey and one that Mary said like because like we they're like a little prayer before I went and it was just like just remember that you're not gonna be and you don't have to be in there for 10 days you're just gonna be in there right now and right now and like there would be times like especially in those beginning days where I'm like how the hell am I gonna do this like another nine days another eight days another seven days and then like I would say little mantras to myself like I don't need I'm not in here for another seven days I'm in here right now and then I would be like what in here right now is causing me to feel this way and no Bic it's just oh it's my mind and then I come on try had from like Lindsey was like you're safe inside your mind you're safe inside your body and so my like I don't have to be in here ten days I'm in here now what's like causing me to feel this oh it's my mind like I'm safe inside my mind I'm safe inside my body and like that would just like allow me to just soft because it's like the whole experience is your perception of like what's the neck what's the next thing going to be and so just kind of just being ready to allow like that really just allowed that softness and allowed so I said like I feel nothing was forced but I feel like it was just like okay like I can just surrender to this moment and just allow recognizing that these little moments of being loved and cared for that I never took the time to really appreciate or like feel fully inside my body well and this is why I believe wholeheartedly going for your biggest dreams is such a big deal because the worst that can happen is it will for you into being in in a pain that releases the old ego itself and you have to get present to have the power to do it right so any giant goal like if you decide whatever you're gonna go on one of those enormous walkabouts you know or like I'm gonna I'm going to walk for a hundred miles on this thing at one point it might be agony but then it's agony only mainly based on how much your mind is in the future of how much more have you done or how little have you done in the past or what's coming up so we I believe have the luxury of constantly being in the future when we're so complacent like when things are also fine you can just be so bored with the mediocrity of things being good enough and there's no real challenge to your soul that you're just living out of boredom in the past and future or online or whatever and you don't call yourself to say what is the greatest may right now and this is why I like really leaping and going okay like I'm going to decide to you know whatever meditate every day or eat a certain way or whatever it is like you you're forced into the moment that's the best part of it and you access way more god in the moment right and so that's the best part of it you start to become present and notice there's kind of a magic about life if you're not staying in your mundane old story so and you're it's funny because the paradox is your your mundane story also is got but in giving yourself like something really exciting and challenging like I'm imagining jiu-jitsu or wim HOF ice baths or you know there's only one way to work through huge things like that be right here yeah right I'm in an ice bath I haven't done it and I probably won't but and I be more agony I would imagine if you're sitting there anticipating how much in the future you're in there yeah there's you asked be with what you're feeling now yeah yeah it's tough my brother oh yeah do you want to take I have a I have a client in a little bit but I would love to take a couple questions if you want to yeah if we go to Q&A here we have did it affect your circadian circadian rhythm I'm gonna let you answer that cuz you wouldn't know way more um so it's injured cuz like going in like both reading on the website and then I think how you talk about like how you talk about how like days 1 & 2 you just sleep all day and then it's like sleeping 2 or 3 hours a day where I felt for me like I actually it didn't really affect my circadian rhythms where I felt that I like like shortly after he would bring the meal maybe I take a bath and so I felt like I was probably going to bed like around maybe midnight 1:00 in the morning and I felt like I was waking up like in the morning I felt like I was still getting like 6 to 8 hours of sleep at night so like I feel it like I thought that it would especially because it is so dark but then at the same time something must have been affected with in there because of how vivid those dreams were so like I feel like he didn't affect my sleep cycle but I imagine like my level of depth within sleep definitely was affected mmm yeah that's good man yeah I don't even know how to answer it what mine did I just know that I just know that I was tired and went to sleep you know what I mean like it was like it wasn't like I was sitting there going well I should be falling asleep at this time he also sometimes showed up with food at like 11:00 at night wow thank you should yeah thank you Chris just walked in with a ton of food for me which is so sweet um kami asks have you ever noticed any practices showing up for yourself to reconnect or integrate these experiential truths into your real life is that you asking me or that was that's camis question for I think both of us probably but you go first um yeah I think like a big part of it is just kind of like remembering it talking about it like we're doing right now because it is so easy to go to this thing have these moments and then all of a sudden like it thrown back into regular life and like wow like I'm just loved in all these little moments I don't appreciate and then like a similar trigger happens you know like [ __ ] that guy you guys it's so easy to get lost and it's so like talking about it I definitely think is a big one and then just like the fact that I doing breath work and meditation and now like I do feel like my perception of what I'm doing during meditation is now different as far as like trying to meditate get to that moment and like like holding on to it like nice and gently well yeah like also kind of maybe finding little things I can do to change my pattern like there are things I do like huh like that's not really serving me and the level of happiness that I want to attain should probably stop doing that and it's like not this like motivational thing but it's just looking at it from perspective like that doesn't really serve me like I see why I do that okay cool like that's a thing I'm just gonna like kind of let go of and so it is kind of like finding those small little things that you can do to like change patterns and I would add what you just said was interesting about kind of when you felt forgiveness for someone and then also [ __ ] that person much the factor has nothing to do with anything outside of you yeah you know what I mean like it was crazy how many different feelings I had for different people or different experiences there'd be a me wanting to defend myself or say no this is [ __ ] and then there's a me that totally saw the side and that was like apologetic and crying like it was it was trippy how there isn't a truth about what is true outside of you it's just the thin your feeling inside is causing your opinion of the outside yeah right did you notice that yeah yeah and then we're also like little moments of like just how we mentioned before how like you would feel a thing and it was like it came to like a real place and then I like feel something like ooh like maybe there's like someone I need to forgive and I would like start thinking of different people and then like I remember at one point I thought of someone and because like I would think about them and outloud Isaac I forgive you like or I'm sorry like I would like think of them and say it and like one person just like like I forgive you you piece of [ __ ] like that's what came out and then like I just like I laughed to myself of wow even in this moment of trying to feel forgiveness and do that like there's still little bits of you that are like still there and like I didn't judge myself for not having like the perfect level of forgiveness for that person yeah and so like it's just like in every given moment like we're always trying our best and like forgiving yourself for doing that it was like a moment like it made myself laugh because I was like reluctantly forgiving that person and I don't think it was a real forgiving them either it felt good to say someone said was boom boom key said wow that sounds bipolar borderline but it actually is just human and then Thank You Kyle for what you do I should point out but I want to I want to point out how much like I think that it's interesting how it can be like oh you have literally two different opinions so is that bipolar is that borderline I think the truth of human beings is that we're moving to a place that doesn't just see one side of things that our problem as human beings has been only seeing one side of things and the more you meditate and the more you do the work the truth is you understand that all perspectives are have a there's a reason why every single perspective ever has exist it's not something we all agree with necessarily or want to keep going but if you can understand the core reason for every single thing people feel which has been a problem that I've had in the past because I'm like I can see all sides like I can see what's causing this person that I'm arguing with feel that way and so I want them to know I see them and then I'll go well I also want you to know this I felt - and they'll be like well which one is it are you sorry or not and I'm like both exist dude I think both exist in the higher we go the more like that's what that's what anyone who would go into the 10-day retreat or goes on ayahuasca or whatever would experience they would experience all truths you can be mad at someone and then you go into your inner work and then see also their perspective right and and it's interesting because it can be called bipolar or borderline and it's also there and in many cases that's not to say that doesn't exist and isn't also a real thing but there also is a thing that the more you do the work the more you're looking at things how God sees things and I swear to God the way God sees things is not like Christians over Muslims or you know Muslims over Christians it's just like you're all wonderful and I love you stop being at war with each other stop dividing each other stop becoming separate football teams from different cities so that you can create the illusion that you're at war with something opposite you there is a truth that's trying to emerge that we are all one and in this time everyone is feeling like they am I told her because they have perspectives and the more you're in this work everybody the more you can understand your heart while you understand someone else's heart and we have to come to terms with that's what's going to happen because you're going to start feeling crazy if you're like do I feel they were right or I was right only right they all have points so it's just something that I think should come up is something that's said because on a whole you see hey there's points that Democrats have there's points that Republicans have there's points that independents why do I have to be shoved into one way right why do I have to be stuck in one story hi Sean Adams asked me Kyle how much of this experience do you feel is still with you having done it nearly a month ago would you say there are certain things you will never see the same again yeah yeah I mean definitely old habits show up and come in every once in a while but you see it quicker I mean I think part of life is becoming more and more more aware and creating new points of no return you know what I mean that you you're not going to have that addiction or you're always going to see that other perspective too there were definitely many things about myself that I had a huge loud screaming perspective I think one thing life did for me was showed me things that I didn't see that I was being or becoming that I didn't like like it gave me a moment showing me vivvy trying to tell me something and me looking at my phone and that made me cry because I was like I'm not going to I'm not going to you know I am not going to give her a life where she's got a dad that's never there and so that makes me put the phone down much more when I'm around her now so yeah there's many habits that you keep with you forever sometimes little echoic things can come in and we're not perfect but this was all the work to becoming better iris asks us do you think you could have had a decent experience if it had only been three or four days instead of 10 go for a Joey so like on like as I said day one when I was going through like everything I was going through like thinking of that movie mission to Mars where they're in isolation for one day I was even thinking like me like why did I sign up for ten days of this like one day of this I would be like wow I learned a lot if I got a lot out of that like I really think with one day of it you would gain a lot learn a little bit about your and go through things now just like meditation like you can you meditate an hour and then you meditate for two hours and all of a sudden you start going to different places and noticing different things and so like I definitely think ten days has its own unique experience but at the same time like man three or four days in there you're gonna learn a lot about yourself you're gonna have a lot of really amazing experiences you're probably still gonna have a lot of emotional releases a lot of forgiveness so yeah like even with like a shorter duration I still think it would be a super like profound experience yeah completely and it's funny because I agree with you and I also have another take which was well marry us why is it ten days I think we arbitrarily picked that it doesn't care when you leave you could walk out one day four day five which makes it even more special because you're choosing it not stuck in it but I did notice a feeling of exponential magic the farther I got in it so for me it might have like I noticed day five and six having a ton of moments where I'm just like I think we've done it I think we're good and having the real urge to walk out balanced with moments of what if I went twenty days in the same retreat like totally bipolar thoughts right and then and then getting today nine r8 and having these mom experiences in this grandma experience and having a night where I sang on 99 Tina Turner because it was my mom's favorite musician as loudly as I could and feeling complete freedom and noticing moments of attachment breaking off and me kind of landing on myself and feeling amazing I found that I thought to myself many times holy [ __ ] I'm glad I stayed okay I got so much out of the first few days but days eight nine and ten were like the pocket for me right it was like it's like you know when you get like a nitro in a car and you're in that higher but like it's like you go I can't explain it but like you're Mario moving slowly and then you get the invincible star it's like that did that that that's what I felt like I'm the one in ten it's just like so free and happy you are wondering too if you get if you did get today fifteen or sixteen now now we maneuver the entire world and now everyone's healed and whatever you know so I don't know you got anything else brother that's probably good for questions and I know we should sign out soon I have a one on one soon so yeah this was a lot of fun and I definitely feel yeah I got a like a share a lot of what got experienced in there it is its own totally unique thing but like so much growth and it's also interesting like four years ago before like it was before I went to my first AOL event like I edit ated like maybe ten minutes at a time using like the headspace app with the guided meditations and then the old eol events like they didn't have a lot of meditation in the event but you would like challenge people like wake up a little earlier and try to meditate for an hour and I remember at that time like four years ago being like man I don't know if I can meditate a whole out and seeing what happened for four years like oh yeah ten days I think I could do ten days in the dark of just like these little shits is as you start to like do things these shifts and possibilities within the world it's amazing I would add it's not only the work you did but also society is making it impossible to live the old way it's almost like the consciousness of the world says if we were to stay the exact way we were four years ago we'd be in hell so there's also the life is demanding more meditation and more patience and more cheek open just load us all down dude I'm drawing a cat a night right now one of the things I've decided is seeing this one but I got three more going and I'm just like this is my meditation right now and i won't i won't go online past five o'clock and you know i'm just asking myself for inner peace and we're doing and we're doing that work man and i want to thank you for doing it brother because i'm sure you know you brought so much more inner peace to the world you just raised the bar for all of us there's a bunch of people literally writing that they want to go and if you do want to go i should mention its sky cave retreats calm is that what it is sky yeah alright cave retreats scott is amazing like what a cool guy he's right when i left there was actually person like the day i left there was a person from our AOL community that was going to like attend a thing as well amazing that's amazing and you know something really interesting about that guy story is he decided he had this calling a year ago to build that place he built this place out of adobe in the middle of the woods and weirdly right after that Aubrey Marcus made this giant podcast about when he went to a darkness retreat in Germany well that was like a hundred thousand views or something I don't know the quite and the number but like it became a free ad that weirdly came out in 2020 and followed this guy building it it's such a if you build it they will come like free advertising for what he does showed up and it's Aubrey Marcus's podcast that made me decide to research it and go and now I'm doing it and talking about it now other people are going and this guy got business now healing people yeah and it is this is why when your heart has a calling like it also the universe will take care of the rest of it just follow the calling all right if there really is an element of if you build it they will come don't worry about the marketing don't worry about the the strategies don't worry about anything other than following the thing step by step and it will take care of itself right so that's what I notice is that that story blew my mind so yeah man I love you bro I'm so glad you're back well you too it's good be back yeah like fresh like I literally got out yesterday back and Here I am it's definitely interesting it's good to be back yeah I was experienced though yeah yeah man chill out and acclimate we'll talk tomorrow whatever and start it see what see what see what God's got for us man hell yeah man you

Channel: Kyle Cease

Views: 11,904

Rating: 4.9239907 out of 5

Keywords: Darkness retreat, kyle cease, joey hauss, evolving out loud, spirituality, meditation, yoga, enlightenment, how do i, how do you, anxiety, fear, overcoming anxiety, overcoming fear, personal development, growth, personal growth, love, learning, consciousness, parental patterns, negative patterns, online course, online learning, podcast, eol

Id: R92lbJnN3_k

Length: 78min 3sec (4683 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 18 2020