Couple Therapists, What Red Flags Pop Up Instantly?

couples therapists without breaking confidentiality what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags and do you try and get them to work out one partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together and then it's about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want since the other person knows that's so depressing just waiting for someone to decide if they want you i'm not a therapist but my therapist straight face told me that there are worse options than divorce got divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me that's what my therapist said to me shortly after we got kicked out of couples counseling because my partner was so unmanageable it genuinely was the best decision for me my partner is still angry i left but i've never felt better about myself cheers to you and your self-preservation i saw a couple that was doing retaliatory cheating and telling each other about it when they got through their anger they decided to call a truce and made peace with their level of emotional maturity i doubt it lasted i don't know if i helped them or prolonged their suffering it was their decision to come to counseling so i think it was the help they wanted other clients realize what they really want is divorce counselling what's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways i think it would be great if divorce counselling were normalized people who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that their right and their partner is wrong almost like they're complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems yes my patient wanted me to pick a side and complained about the partner every single time when i pointed that out that person just said you don't understand contempt when i experience true contempt from one in the relationship i know it is usually over look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible ah contempt one of dr john gottman's four horsemen predictors of divorce along with criticism stonewalling and defensiveness one couples in a title tat arrangement for example i cheated so you can have one night to cheat with whomever or i violated your trust and did drugs you can go out and do whatever for one night it erodes trust and compounds the hurt two an affair that won't end i've never seen a relationship bounce back where a partner is still in contact with their gfbf i don't mean an xgfbf i mean the person x is having the affair with or is lying about it three control to an excessive amount i most commonly see partners having to send pictures holding up a certain number of fingers or proving that it's a live picture this is abuse for overbearing parents and in-laws i understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here and i work with couples who have arranged marriages as well as the south asian community however when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights or often speaks a lot of their partner to their parents i usually see these couples stay very unhappily married for years it's sad if it's not abuse and a partner is willing to end an affair and genuinely work on it i'll help support i think couples therapy is sometimes helping couples have the courage to voice what they really want and that may be separation as someone who went to couples therapy because of my overbearing mother we actually did get through it but almost broke up multiple times but we are healing though and i have learned how to uninmesh from my mother's abuse relationship therapist here one of the biggest red flags i see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other what initially attracted them to each other and what the positives are between them when people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love or to even like each other they are just about hopeless you don't have to be happy for therapy to work but if you can't even reminisce about the good times then the good times are probably over when i see a couple in which one or both of the members are seeking to change something fundamental about the other person we process where the need for the change comes from and the person with the issue evaluates whether it's a deal breaker for them or not we work on acceptance and tolerance of others i also recommend my couples are also in individual therapy on their own it's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritizes their own wants and needs over their partners relationships like this are often doomed because a person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change not my client but i had to watch as my own roommate dealt with her fiance he was a controlling her physically activity's financials b continuously dismissing her feelings assessments opinions fiance would revert to baby talk speaking to roommate like she was an uneducated child daddy knows best type of gaslighting garbage c trying to hide his narcissistic tendencies behind his good church boy exterior this was all happening in my condo while she was waiting to move out and marry him i usually tried to stay out of their issues but one afternoon i softly encouraged her saying i agreed with hooray an argument i'd witnessed earlier in the day she came back that night after the fiance convinced her that i was jealous and was trying to break them up so i could have him she barely talked to me again until she moved out sadly they did get married have two kids and she's a completely isolated stay-at-home mom i don't even want to imagine what it's like for her at home a guy went through this with a roommate as well her boyfriend was emotionally abusive and angry finally after months of hearing her complain about him i told her i was no longer comfortable with him coming over if i was home she got so mad at me she immediately moved out and into his house that very day and we never spoke again makes me really sad but i hope she's out of that situation now someone else's response made me think of this one when a partner raises objection to meeting with me individually during the first session i share that during assessment i like to meet with them both together and once each individually occasionally i'll have partners who suddenly become very critical or suspicious about this asking why i do that and is it ethical and the classic i've never heard of a marriage counsel are doing that before it goes beyond curiosity or simply inquiring about practice there is an incredulous and almost panic tone to it and sure enough every single time they turn out to be some variation of controlling manipulative abusive edit just to clarify for a few of the comments i'm not talking about doing concurrent ongoing individual and couples sessions this is just a one-off individual assessment session my first three sessions are usually one couple's session two partner a individual and three partner b individual after that we are typically only as a couple unless another one-off is needed for further assessment down the road if needed i refer out for ongoing concurrent individual or pause for more intensive individual and thanks for the silver and awards this makes a lot of sense it's like they are scared of not being able to control their or someone else's image if they can't be in the room with them i was in couples therapy at the end of the first session the therapist asked us to say one nice thing about each other i went first said something nice about him therapist asked him to say something and he replied my mother always told me if you can't say something nice say nothing so i'll say nothing felt so sorry for the therapist and yes that's when i started planning my exit i am now very happy in a new relationship and my revenge is to be living my beat life very happy now all hail the beat life what about ism instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship one or both parties simply point out an example of the other exhibiting a similar behavior it's a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self-awareness and poor communication skills communication is key when trying to mend a tatted relationship because without respectful communication the conflict recovery process can never begin in the conflict recovery model both parties agree to the terms under which they will communicate no yelling no interrupting no i told you sos etc each party gets a chance to share how the others actions make them feel then they each propose their solutions and identify where they made assumptions or where they got triggered and why then they identify where they're willing to compromise next we create an actionable plan with deadlines and we monitor the progress to see if the proposed solutions were effective emo everything can go to crap but once communication stagnates you're in real trouble so even if you're arguing you're still doing okay you just need to work on how you're communicating this reminds me of shaw's quote the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place i'll just say that if you find yourself screaming i'm not freaking yelling at you you might have a communication problem my mom used to do that she'd yell at us and we'd say please stop yelling and she'd respond with i am not yelling constant needless escalation when i don't think we need this expensive thing as escalated to you don't really love me major problem it shows up quickly in therapy if you're watching for it mostly because the one using this to avoid accountability is almost guaranteed to play this card in relation to therapy itself either i had to drag them here or they're just trying to break up with me what they're doing is avoiding conversation about the issue by blowing it up into a bigger problem than it is so they can make the other person respond to their feelings rather than dealing with their concerns high conflicts relationships if frequent and bitter conflict began a few months or less after the relationship began and continued relationship therapy is going to be a shitshia won't be helpful either the conflict will continue indefinitely or come to an end not just my opinion the research supports this i fix mine by realizing the conflict was caused by past trauma and mental illness being triggered and fixing those so i'd say going to the cause is the best bet i'm not a couple's therapist but i recommended a couple's therapist to a co-worker for some pre-marital counseling my partner and i had really enjoyed our pre-marital sessions from this super nice therapist and when a girl from my work got engaged she asked for his number the day after their first session i got a call from the girl saying i can't believe you sent me to this horrible invasive rude counselor i was in a panic oh no what happened she explained we went in there and sat down and the first thing he asked was so why do you want to get married how rude is that how dare he that's when i realized that maybe their relationship wasn't going to pan out they called off the wedding a few months later when one person is entirely dependent on the other especially at a relatively young age i mean financially and emotionally these are typically young women sometimes young men as well who do not work do not have children stay home all day and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse very unhealthy and a huge red flag always ends in a painful and messy breakup generally we try to get them to find a friend join a community get a job or volunteer something to provide them with self-worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse i always wonder how this ends up happening the idea of joining a relationship without anything of your own to fall back on is legitimately terrifying my mom is a therapist and she sometimes tells me a little bit about her cases nothing specific or identifying she once came home really upset about her case and told me a little bit basically this guy sent his wife in because she was having trouble with the baby he came with her and interrupted her at basically every turn and basically told my mom his wife was bipolar in another session the patient admitted she almost felt angry with the baby and herself because she knew she would be a terrible mother her husband had been saying it since she got pregnant my mom told me it became almost instantly clear that the husband was manipulative and abusive and probably trying to stop her from connecting with the child as soon as my mom suggested she was angry with her husband and not her baby all of their future sessions were cancelled that's terrifying as a clinical psychologist i focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment but did my fair share of marriage couples work refusal or inability to compromise as a ginormous red flag one that i believe is empirically validated compromises a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general i feel a lot like that was my first marriage you can't have one person doing all the compromising all the time it just destroys everything that he also wouldn't let me see a therapist though so i had no idea how toxic and controlling his behavior was i'm reading through these as a mental checklist to keep in check my own actions not just my partners thanks everyone for sharing i'm an mft marriage and family therapist and for me an unofficial litmus test is when i ask at some point in the first few sessions how the couple met if there is absolutely no positive effect from either person no one even cracks a smile or they just give me a single sentence answer we met at a party that's usually a signal they've been so unhappy so long all the conflict is so overwhelming that they can't access those good warm fuzzy feelings from the beginning i partly wanted to do this job because i'm a romantic at heart and love hearing real love stories and for the most part hearing about their first few months together is an actually fun and illuminating part of therapy only a few times have i seen the flat or no effect couples and it breaks my heart every time i remember learning in grad school that most couples who come for therapy have lived unhappily for an average of seven years before trying to get help they come for that first sin and if they aren't cured after that most think that therapy doesn't work and don't come back to anyone who may be considering individual or couples therapy as a result of this thread go for it and be prepared for it to take some time and energy from you and your therapist i'm a therapist newer to couples counseling but one of the flags i've seen is one person digging their heels in and not accepting any feedback or suggestions then that person tells me and partner that they are trying i called him out on it said that he needed to evaluate what he's willing to do and not do needless to say didn't hear back from them another weird one is separating without a plan all that's gonna do is teach you how to live without each other emo i would ask them okay how do you know when the separation works i don't know when i start missing them my guess is what i typically hear my mom is a couple's therapist and she says there are some people that she has told you're not going to work out on the first couple sessions our therapist told my ex that based on our several months of sessions nothing i did would be good enough for him she was not wrong all these responses have made me so much more grateful for my younger sister who pestered me until i was in tears of anger to leave my ex within a week i could see how much better my life was without him i'll never be able to tell her how much it means to me that she was ready for me to hate her as long as it meant i was away from him she might get the idea if you say it just like that like wow alisone zero zed can't even describe how much it meant that means it meant a lot unless your sister isn't with us anymore and that's why you can't tell her in which case good question i doubt i have much to add that others haven't already said but the biggest one i notice is respect respecting space boundaries feelings interests relationships are also important and lack of respect by either person for the other is going to mean big problems i would definitely try to help them work through it but it's hard to point out to someone that something they are doing is hurting the other which leads to my second red flag lack of communication lol obligatory not a therapist but my own experience in therapy my wife and i separated now went to couples counseling where it was a husband wife counselling team i thought that would be great since it may help us open up more having a member of both sexes there my wife was hesitant about couples counseling but agreed to try it we had our initial session together and it was cold and difficult as expected and my wife said she still wanted to leave but they convinced her to try a few more sessions to see if anything clicked as we opened up we had an individual session the next time and i thought it went fantastically i gained a completely different understanding of intimacy not sexual but emotional and relational and i was jazzed to start working at putting it into practice my wife came out with tear stains and sat in her car crying before she finally left for home we drove separately because she was coming from work and i from home our next appointment was another individual session the male counselor and i were talking again and he started digging into my expectations and desires in the relationship what i loved about wife etc he point blank asked me do you feel wife is a good match for you in life and that you want to continue this relationship and i was a little off put but figured yeah it's probably a good thing to establish that right off the bat so i answered emphatically yes and he just looked heartbroken and so very sad i knew pretty well right than that we were toast wife admitted her affair the day before our next session and left the ending was difficult to read i'm sorry to hear that just remember her affair isn't a reflection of your value hope things are moving in a better direction for you welp they used them together on a regular basis they continued to cheat on one another fighting in front of their kids cheating in front of their kids and await them in front of their kids when doing couples work your client is a relationship itself not personnel b so of course we try to work it out even knowing in our head there's no way in foxville will these toxic memphis ever work this out and believe me i tried i tried so hard until this thing happened that i will never forget and tell my students about all the time person b was like why don't you tell him me about you sleeping with your nbf quick note i'm black and will type this word out to illustrate the hurt this word can cause at that point i was just like afflict this my dissertation was finished i had maybe a month left at this spot before leaving the state i just told them that we're done today and advise them to seek another therapist at the front desk because i was no longer able to accommodate them i told the boss and i was gucci really i just wanted to reach over and slap the absolute crap out of dude other instances where the typical one person wants to save the relationship while the other person is halfway out the door it's really depressing actually because you feel for that individual and they are trying but that other person has other plans many of the times the other person was actively cheating and the spouse either knew or that person would tell me low-key after the session i hated couples counselling you'll never came to me as a first step only a last resort boundary violations testing boundaries a little bit is okay but repeatedly violating boundaries is a big red flag i work a lot with people who have left abusive relationships and often they doubt they ever will date again and eventually want to we work on their personal boundaries but i also suggest some easy boundaries to have and how they can help boundary one maintain your routine if you go to bed at nine p.m and wake up to workout at five a.m maintain that a decent person will respect that a non-decent person will try to bulldoze through it it might look like or stay up talking with me i'm lonely it's romantic to talk all night if you aren't a teen it isn't cute it actually makes you too tired to be able be present and critically reflective of the relationship if they are teasing and making fun of your routine you probably don't have the same values it isn't about who is right or wrong you probably aren't on the same page boundary two cultural trend here is to move in together within a month so might not apply elsewhere so much for almost six months don't get together more than three four times a week this boundary helps you to preserve your uness it gives you time for your interests and friends it very quickly flushes out insecurities or controlling behavior in a potential partner other good ones to pay attention to are cute things that violate a boundary hey i have my kids this weekend so no in-person time and i will only spend time on my phone after the kids go to bed a date and guess what the person cutely surprises you with a coffee i'd give this one a one time pass thanks for the coffee sorry i can't have you in i'm not ready for you to meet the kids etc the person's response to being called out tells you so much folks knowing your boundaries knowing how to set them and knowing how to maintain them are so very important to your own personal well-being also learn how to respect other people's boundaries don't have to be permanent they can change but they can change because someone has earned it or lost it saying directly to each other i don't love you i am just here to try and like you enough to stay together and the other person replaying with good we can do that partners refusing to listen absolutely deafening themselves to certain explicit statement active physical abuse and each person admitting it and trying to be okay with it name calling in session and when i intervene they both get mad at me complete disrespect and true contempt with each other yet refusing to accept their relationship is over i could keep going these are obvious red flags godman's research does a good job of answering the opposite of this question he studies what factors predict a couple will stay together he has like 90 accuracy lol at the both getting mad that you think that's crazy i was just talking about this case today years ago when i was starting out i had a female client come in and she reported anxiety depression etc because her ex-husband was bothering her i thought that was completely average and normal so i asked her about it she recounted many times that her in the x clashed i said you know you don't have to interact with him and maybe just distancing yourself is the way to go then she told me that they still lived together and had no plans of moving the red flag indicted i was dealing with two crazy people hahaha my parents are this legally separated but live together i am the poster child for don't stay together for the kids we are all adults now but they still live together because separating assets is hard and they are both so crazy no one else will keep them company if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

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Keywords: couple therapy, couple therapy communication exercises, couple therapist reacts, couple therapy funny, couple therapist, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap

Id: dThfCQmj8Ko

Length: 24min 53sec (1493 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 11 2021