Doctors, What Was the Best Excuse You’ve Heard for Someone Having Something Stuck in Their Butt?

doctors what was the best excuse you've heard for someone having something stuck in their butt had a guy with a screwdriver up there handle first he was honest said the wife wanted to try something new why the screwdriver something shaped like a dong would have been gay i always thought that was a real weird place to draw that line i guess you could say he got screwed i've got this one not a doctor but ridge guy comes in walking kinda awkwardly doesn't take a seat when it's his turn he's called up to tridget again refuses to sit what brings you in today i said i uh i've lost a glass you know like a tumbler shuffles okay so why are you here well we had a party that got out of hand last night i was cleaning the house this morning and i noticed one of my drinks glasses was missing and i think it might be up my butt that's it as far as explanation but sure enough there it was on x-ray rim side first so after it disappeared up his butthole it basically filled itself with crap now anytime people that know the story ask if i've seen something they've lost i ask if they've checked their butthole my friend is a nurse she told me about a guy who came into her he claimed to have fallen out of a tree and a branch went right up his butt they x-rayed him and he had this perfectly round wooden rod up his butt when they removed it they saw that it was sanded painted and primed that branch must have come from a genetically modified species of tree lol crazy how the human body do that my mom was a nurse and always remembered the guy whose wife was out of town so he was cooking naked and slipped and fell on a potato i am a nurse a male as well guy came to my hospital with a cue ball stuck in his rectum said him and his wife were having sex and this happened made no excuses and showed no shame a doc was unable to remove it with forceps and he had to get anesthesia to have a minor surgical procedure to get it out my job was basically to just go through a pre-surgical checklist and send him on his way when i'm done he shouts excitedly all right let's get this ball rolling i almost died laughing it was near the end of my shift and i always wonder what happened to him i'm sure he did fine and is back to having amazing kinky sex with his wife all right let's get this ball rolling this guy has hero material had this elderly guy come in with a cucumber up there first month of residency so my attending asks why did you put that up there guy dead's normal says well it was just like every tuesday i woke up made some coffee and sat on a cucumber stifling laughter my attending just said say you shouldn't do that anymore he says okay we removed it and never saw him again guy told me he was constipated so he stuck the brome handle up there to break up the poop i almost believed him edit it was half of a broom handle cut off and wrapped in electrical tape all the way inside his butt i believe that people are stupid a college friend who is an or nurse said the best thing she ever witnessed was a small snow globe with the message world's greatest dad on the inside saw someone with a remote control stuck way up in their colon she said she was getting herself ready for anal sex with her boyfriend and then it got stuck the kicker was that she showed up to the hospital with her boyfriend and her husband in tow i am really curious as to how that conversation went my ex is a nurse one night she sent me a pic of her computer of what she was working on 16 yo male brought in by his mother shoved a sausage up his butt and lost it imagine the embarrassment of telling mom hey mom i lost a sausage in my butt can you take me to the air freaking kids paramedic here had one guy tell me he slipped on a banana peel and landed on the upright bars on the floor he then proceeded to produce a banana peel for good measure the fact that he genuinely had a banana peel made me laugh more than the entirety of this thread not in but but a vagina i was doing my clinical rotation in third year did a cervical assessment on 36 w pregnant woman who thought she was in labor painful cramping plus plus discharge i found eight cloves of garlic she thought she could avoid group b strap with it she read it online she thought they would dissolve one you can't avoid gbs like this two they turn to slimmer much bulbs they don't dissolve she was not in labor she was responding to an infection a nasty one she was admitted for fluids object removal meds and monitoring of fetus for treatment overnight i finished my 24 8 shift before the next stop wrapped up cramping stopped very soon after we got it all out last i saw her she was just feeling sad and dumb i felt really awful for her she was trying to do the right thing for her pregnancy gbs gut bacteria found in one stroke three of adults at any time some cow tries screen for its presence because in rare cases it does nasty things to baby if they get colonized at birth i had a patient who was trying to treat bacterial vaginosis with garlic cloves you have a special knowledge of how thankful i was she'd made a little cheesecloth pouch for it first all came out in one gloriously funky chunk garbage had to go out immediately guy came in with a cordless phone up his butt like one of the old school ones from 15 years ago he said that when he was in the kitchen bending over opening the oven door someone threw it through his open window and it just went right up when i was a student working in an old guy came in with an unrevealed wire hanger stuck and hooked up there he said he was trying to fish out the vibrator he lost it always boils down to the person accidentally sat on it the best my dad saw a former emergency doctor was a young guy who accidentally sat on a giant tub of vaseline accidentally i asked how doctors record that in their patient files and the common way to do so is to say the patient claims to have sat on x object there was a news story in my country a man went to the ear and they discovered that he drunkenly put two hammer heads in his butt his reasoning being that he ate a jar of preserved cherries with pits and then had abdominal pain and wanted to smash the pits took me a few seconds to realize you didn't mean tiny sharks related guy puts a vibrator one of the massive cordless one types why a up there like a mega seed and it gets sucked into the sigmoid colon when he gets to me in the air i ask him how he was feeling he answered well doc i'm way better since the batteries died made my night i've been trying to entertain the medical staff since my open heart surgery was having problems with low blood pressure it hit 90 stroke 58 i got the ringing in my ears everything went red and i passed out oh no yeah but my carpet smells fantastic a nurse i tried to dig something out of my butt with a barbecue skewer skewer got stuck whipped a hole in his intestines he waited so long to come and he was septic one stat or visit and then i could stay later please don't call my mom guy was tripping hard on lsd i stuck it up there on purpose and now it's stuck please help it was a perfectly honest and valid reason for have something stuck up your butt and we helped no further questions needed now i'm interested how often that happens i mean the honest answer not an excuse but a medic told me that they have contests about what is the most unexpected thing they pulled out of butts the winner was a guy that put an electric christmas decoration the ones you wrap around the tree in her own words the legend doesn't say whether he plugged it or not i should have asked what the excuse was for that one so i actually once did fall naked in my bedroom and my butt cheek smashed hard onto the end of a small dumbbell that was angles up at 45 degrees i'm coming to realize after reading all of this that had it hit the ball see no one would have freaking believed me my cousin who is a doctor once told me that when you really do fall on something and it goes up there it's not pretty there is tearing and overall injury when there is no injury where it went in you know it was likely eased in and that's how they know the eye fell on its story is bulls presented at her in sydney with carrot stuck in the ass doctor what happened patient i heard a noise in the garden went to investigate slipped and fell over carrot went up my bum dr carrots grow upside down out your way huh friend's mum was a nurse a man came into her with a cucumber in his bum apparently he was vacuuming his fruit shop in the nude and slipped over worked on ambulances not a doctor mostly bottles or vegetables the aubergine was the biggest but potatoes and carrots seem to be popular ketchup mayo and glass cola bottles were common at one point also one butt plug and a toilet brush the last two were honest and very distraught others all had naked gardening stories there's an even worse question you haven't asked which is for things people have shoved up their urethras only men in my experience my brother was a trade nurse and examined someone that came in with a barbie doll up their ass don't know if they were male or female though there was a guy who would often come to my friends for barbie head removals he had several barbies he kept in his jacket held in place by loopholes he had sewn in they always knew how many heads to look for by how many heads were missing from the barbies in his coat my sister is a surgical nurse and a guy came into the hospital with a pool noodle shoved up his butt it was so deep that they had to cut open his abdomen intestines and colon to cut the foam out of him he said he fell on it while swimming nude but when they cut him open it had a condom stretched over the end of it when they confronted him he said please don't tell me wife at least he was practicing safe sex the best one i've heard is a priest who had peeled a potato and left it on the side for his dinner either decided to hang the curtains back up while nude and fell off the stepladder onto it it was in the uk paper years ago if i find it i'll post the source what i love is that some poor bloke just one did fall on something naked and no one is going to believe him i went to med school in the deep south burley middle-aged southern gentleman showed up in the ed chief complaint rectal pain after a full history and physical examination couldn't ascertain the case of his pain other than him saying feels like something's up there we decided to start with some x-rays before we obtained them he says all right i'm gonna be square with you i was walking down the street minding my own business when these thugs jumped me out of nowhere and held me down and stuck a cucumber up my butt please you got to get it out i immediately went to get my attending one surgical consultant gi consult later a cucumber wrapped in a condom was extracted from this man's rectum i was walking down the street minding my own business when these thugs jumped me out of nowhere and held me down and stuck a cucumber up my butt smh look how far america has fallen we have gangs of thugs going around putting cucumbers in people's buttholes for though i laughed so hard at this comment friend is a stomach surgeon so always gets called in to pull things out of asses he has loads of stories but the one i remember is a guy who had a glass ketchup bottle up his arse he'd claim to have returned home with his grocery shopping realized he'd lost his key so put shopping down and attempted to climb through a high window he slipped fell backwards ass first onto his groceries and shlum the ketchup bottle just shot up as a hole ignore that guy was presumably not naked the time after removing it at the hospital my doctor friend said that's strange the ketchup you bought is only half full i think the worst thing is that it suggests he was gonna eat the rest of it another time a light bulb you could always tell when someone came into the air with something lodged in their rectum because everyone would be standing around looking at the x-ray it was still in perfect light bulb shape i have no idea how the patient got it up there without breaking it i'll tell you what their bobo either the kids got to like bulb up his butt or his colons got a great idea dr cox had a patient who showed up with his soon-to-be ex-wife they were reconciling at a nearby motel she convinced him that if he loved her he would let her put a dildo in his butt only it wasn't a dildo it was a vibrator without a flared base rule number one of anal play is make sure that it has a flared base rule number two is nothing sharp the whole thing went up there and he couldn't get it out i had to take it out under anaesthesia she felt awful and was crying the whole time he was a very blue collar normal dude and she was dressed in very fancy clothes an unlikely match in my mind he was just happy that they were at my urban hospital and not the uppity town about 15 miles away where they lived i often wonder what became of them and their marriage i feel like nothing sharp should be rule number one shudder trying to reduce prolapsed hemorrhoids he developed after a long arduous book dr term of course i wondered how a vegetable peeler was the most available object to be had in the bathroom the vegetable peeler became stuck as these things tend to do however this was the kind with slits and the plastic and his formerly prolapsed amahi tissue protruded into the slits making it impossible to remove also cutting off blood supply which made them necrotic by the time we went to the oar what kills me is that his next move to try to remove this object from his anus was to try to cut i.t out with scissors omg it was horrible a jagged piece of plastic wedged in horrifying and indeed quite memorable ah and that's officially the worst thing i've ever heard of my god that's freaking horrifying not a doctor but i don't know that i'll have a chance to share this again growing up there was an urban legend about a local bloke that had to have a button-up pumpkin squash removed from his ass fast forward 25 years and i'm reading the book written by my dad's liver specialist and lo and behold it wasn't a legend in fact an entire chapter was dedicated to gentlemen with foreign objects needing removal from arsene bladder just reading bladder made me cringe i don't know how anyone can stick things up there you asked for the best but i have the worst but possibly the most honest response i've gotten i was an emt and ran a call at a methadone clinic she was a 28 year old female who had possibly od'd when we got there she was sitting on the ground completely naked my captain asked what was up about to which i responded quickly as trash bag sir for some reason there was a contractor back jammed right up her anus my captain ordered me to remove it and it felt like i was a magician pulling a bunch of napkins out of a dove or whatever magicians do she looks at me without a word until i asked her why there was a trash bag up her butt at which point she responded we didn't have a condom this was my second week on the job it wasn't an excuse and it wasn't the butt a young lady in riverside tx very heavy m presence was dared to stick a live catfish in her vagina she shoved it in head first those who know catfish know they have very sharp dorsal fins while the dorsal fins lodged in the walls of her vagina and became stuck she came into the air screaming in pain with a live catfish flopping all willy-nilly out of her privates i wish i still had a copy of that x-ray welp my vagina has packed its bags and nope the frick out of this thread i once had to take a guide to the ore to remove the cucumber from his rectum since it had migrated up further than could be extracted manually i don't remember his excuse but it had been in there for more than a week and when we took it out it had started to pickle i am pickle shy diet my grandmother used to be in a nurse apparently back in the day these kinds of stories were shared over facts a hospital in network had a story about a patient cc was abdominal distress radiograph reveal odd radio opacities in pairs about three stroke four of an inch apart docs counted three four pairs couldn't figure out what it was exploratory surgery resulted in four barbie doll heads in the patient's large intestine after the discovery patients stated that he had a fetish he swallowed barbie heads because he liked the way the hair felt on the way out the radio opacities were the dull eyes apparently there used to be metal in the paint or something top comment after reading facts barbies are expensive did he recycle this is eerily similar to another comment on here involving barbie heads jesus christ how many people just stick random crap up their butt a whole lot of sexually frustrated kinky people caught up in the moment of getting their rocks off without actually considering the potential consequences resulting in having to go to the a4 extraction which is my guess i heard a story probably made up that a bunch of guys were hanging out and getting stoned while camping or somewhere outdoors when one of their members went into diabetic shock his buddies knew he was a diabetic and realized what was happening but had no idea what to do about it except to get him to a hospital not a bad choice so they all piled into a car to drive him to a hospital this was before cell phones on the way they were arguing what to do they felt he needed sugar whether right or wrong that is what they decided and they argued over how you get sugar into an unconscious person supposedly the adopters found a snickers bar or whatever candy shoved up his bum when they examined the patient i will say if true he has really good friends dumb friends but good 20 years ago an ex was in a nurse a guy came in with a magic mushroom air freshener stuck up in there he was embarrassed and did not even attempt to explain it she said that when the doctor got it out he said funny it doesn't smell pine fresh and every bitter laughed i am kind of surprised that didn't lead to lawsuit taking the doctor to court would have involved explaining to the judge what happened yes your honor after the doctor put his medical degree to use by getting elbow deep in me like jim henson working kermit he made a joke and it made me sad rn here had a jehovah's witness gentleman admitted to haiku with his bowels perforated states he had constipation so he decided he needed a cleaning he happens to do pipe work so he hooked some pipes up to the hose then inserted the other end in his rectum to just give it the oil swish and dump burst his colon from the pressure and all the hard pipe crammed up his butt unfortunate thing was he needed a blood transfusion but oops he is a jehovah's witness so no go i learned then that they actually send a group of people to the hospital to watch you and make sure you don't stray from your faith i always wondered what he told them como i learned them that they actually send a group of people to the hospital to watch you and make sure you don't stray from your faith jesus christ frick them so hard i worked on a surgical ward for a while and we had a few strange items i can't tell you what their excuse was because we saw them post operatively one guy stuck not one not two but three snooker balls up his bum one guy stuck a clay pigeon up his bum that one was pretty impressive one guy 92 yellow tried to fish out a vibrator with a coat hanger and my personal favorite a guy stuck an old nokia 3310 up his bum they x-rayed him and took him to theater they kept trying to fish it out but he kept getting phone calls from his mum wondering where he was every time she rang the phone would vibrate further up his bowel remember how back in the day you could get those crappy two dollars ringtones where it wouldn't sing the lyrics but it would buzz to the words and music guess what his ringtone was will smith's getting jiggy with it thank you and good night if i had a nokian up my butt the last place i'd want to go is the movies a doc and a little late to the game here i've lost count how many rectal foreign bodies i've removed but there was this one kid well teenager he got a battery stuck up his butt told his mom that he had been experiencing constipation and thought his butthole was just too small for the poop to get through so he was trying to dilate it with a battery um yeah okay the kicker was that his mom completely bought this story and she's there telling me how this whole thing happened to her precious innocent son my mom worked an emergency for a long time back in the 80s and this is her favorite story but it was a vagina and not a butt a woman had used one of those white shallow face cream tubs as a diaphragm predictably it became stuck while doing the deed and she presented at the hospital fully honest about what she'd done anyway they managed to remove it and then she asked for the tub back because it still had face cream in it emergency medicine physician here on the flip side there is nothing more refreshing to this than when people come in and are completely honest patient i like to put golf balls into my rectum sometimes and i can't remember if i put in three or four but i only got out three me perfect you have a problem that i can solve let me order an x-ray and see if there is one more that i need to remove for you sounds pretty much par for the course this isn't exactly what you asked for but a family friend is an endocrinologist and a surgeon he has his fair share of oddities they have to remove but what stands out to me is that he must have a few cases every year where the patient has no idea how the peanut butter got on their crotch or why the dog bit them way more common than it should be i thought it was something out of the movies the frequency of occurrence and confidence in lie always baffles me true story and not funny to this day in high school my best friend's twin sister got a frozen banana stuck in her butt she was so mortified that she had her girlfriend's attempt to remove it by squirting boiling water in her rectum with a squirt gun some of the material from the melted water gun was also found she suffered burns so bad she was put on a special liquid diet and missed the final two months of school including graduation worst of all it happened at spring break in cancun her parents didn't trust the hospital but due to the severity rather than fly her home the surgery was delayed a full 24 hours until her parents could travel down to supervise a student on the yearbook committee was almost expelled because on the page on which a picture appeared he replaced their second digit of the page number with a small banana this happened in a very small high school in the early 90s so i'm not afraid of someone recognizing the specificity of the story if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

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Id: g_izm7ADS4M

Length: 24min 33sec (1473 seconds)

Published: Sat May 01 2021