Chris Distefano | Funniest Dad Stories (Compilation)

like you know I'm sitting with the student body again getting a doctorate degree so it's prestigious and you know like in Arabic or something yeah and it's in Arabic and then my like it wait till like it's dead signs and my dad just yells out from the back Hakuna Matata [Music] how wide open legs because you don't understand I was playing division three basketball so I mean people had asthma they would have like lasagna after the games like this wasn't a real sport they must have thought you were a [ __ ] dude freak I was [ __ ] I would like I was like jumping over people like it was my dad thought like my high school made a huge mistake my dad was like I can't this is the Chris I've been talking about because my dad because basketball he broke his heart that you were on Winslow broke his heart dude because my dad was like after all the you know hard work we put in because my dad a thousand jump shots a day every day that's what we do wow grab my rebounds out there with two busted knees thousand jump shots a day every day he would have the broom to tell you about my dad's broom he didn't have a broom up because my dad's whole thing was like you need to you need to mimic shooting over seven Footers like you need to Arc shots so this is I'm talking about like in a public park in Ridgewood Queens which is a very culturally diverse neighbor you had people from all alone he had a broomstick up and on the broomstick written in tape was the word Leroy he named the broom Leroy because he was like let's be honest could it be a seven foot black guy though and then so we just call an elite so I would shoot over Leroy and that's what he said to me when I was in winter like a dead serious conversation he's like what about all the times me you and Leroy had in the park you disrespected us all right I think I saw this clip on on Instagram yeah that somebody now I know somebody posted for you yep but Brian Moore and AKA Lancelot head Lancelot posted the clip of you talking about being out with your dad and you saw Stephen Tyler oh my God that was real uh dabbing his pizza yeah so we're at Joe's Pizza in the West Village um great you know some of the best pizza in New York and my dad this was we were going to a Knicks game so this must have been I want to say early 2000s something like that so we're there you know we're hanging out you know eating pizza before we go take the train up to the game and Stephen Tyler walks in and like everybody knows that that's Stephen Tyler like from Aerosmith Steven Tyler yeah and it's New York so people are like oh [ __ ] but you know nobody's bombarding him it's New York so we see him and my dad's like everyone's going crazy over this guy I was like yeah it's Stephen Tyler he's like I know who it is one of my [ __ ] [ __ ] I was like kind of um but he was like I know who it is I was like okay so then Steven gets his pizza he's with it whatever his manager or whatever and he starts you know taking napkins yeah and oily blinding the oil off a pizza yeah and my dad goes this [ __ ] guy he goes no way he's from New York if he's napkin blonde the oil off his pizza I was like that it doesn't matter it's like he'll do what he wants to do like just let's eat the pizza let's get to the game he goes I gotta [ __ ] say something to this guy I was like Dad please don't say anything to Steven Tyler like please don't like literally like this it's not it's your anxiety like through the roof yeah I was like it it doesn't matter if he's napkin Bond the oil off the pizza like let him have cholesterol issues who cares yeah and my dad goes I gotta say he's like it's such disrespect to do that in New York city so I was like okay so my dad finishes the pizza throws it out and we're walking passing I'm like please don't say anything and my dad just walks past me goes hey Bon Jovi you don't need to nap and block the oil orphan Pizza like I'm originally from like Brooklyn right and so like my dad is like from the Bronx like he's like an old school like New York dirt bag like was in jail when I was a kid like that kind of guy and we we went to the park and it was the same thing it was all dads just with their kids and my dad like just you know he just didn't know he's like he's like it's nice to see that this community Embraces gay guys my the best 73 74 years old diabetic heart condition lives in you know New York now we just moved to Florida the next epicenter he's just following oh yeah he goes never smoked or drank a day in his life you know pandemic hits March it's like April 1st you know nobody's supposed to see their elderly grandparents he's like I want to come see the baby you know my daughter he's like I gotta come see the baby I can't [ __ ] sit here anymore I'm like yeah but you gotta understand like you can't like you're you know old age you know like you're you're every condition that they say is going to kill you you have them all he's like don't worry about him coming I'm gonna get on the bus I was like Dad let me at least yeah I was like let me at least come get you he's like I'm getting on the [ __ ] bus so he gets on the Bus shows up he's got a mask on around his ear right around I'll never forget it was around his left ear he's just got it hanging I'm like did you take the bus like Daddy's again you got a mask on you person that's what the Blazer said the mayor I go but it has to cross your face I was like that it has to be across your face yeah and then he goes to me he goes oh I'm sorry I thought June was pride month I didn't know I had a game son and then I'm like okay and then he goes into my backyard and lights up a cigar and I was like what are you doing like you haven't drank or smoked anything and he was like let me [ __ ] tell you one thing here Chrissy he goes nothing Chinese is ever going to take me down he goes my veins are red white and blue and he lights up these cigars and just starts talking like an idiot and I'm like Dad hooker he doesn't care then he didn't even tell me then I just called him one day July 5th I'm like hey you know like you want a hand like you know I just had a barbecue by then I'm like um you know he just sort of barbecue my house I was like uh you want to come by we've got some leftover food he's like oh I'm in Tampa Florida I was like what do you mean you're in Tampa Florida because I moved here I was like just dropped it on you what he's like yeah me and your stepmother moved here so I was like that's another episode of Corona yeah he was like red white and blue baby dude one time this is another thing I was like seven years old man I know this happened I was seven years old and we went to my cousin's recital so it's like all seven eight-year-old you know like it's a girl recital whatever his family's there packed out Auditorium my dad my dad took me there it was just me my dad so you know he had to watch you know we have to watch my cousin whatever he didn't want to be there he was like [ __ ] you know whatever and the instructor of the of the ballet school was like this really beautiful like 25 26 like she was a hot girl hot woman and um and like we're just sitting back and and I could tell he's 10 he's like wow this girl's got some [ __ ] body I like saying [ __ ] like that and I don't know why he did this but like we were in like the very last row she's 10. no no no no the the girls the the kids who are dancing around were like you know eight nine ten years old but the instructor okay the instructor is a grown woman all right and then the girls you know the you know the the curtains close and it's just the instructor on stage and she's like saying she's like you know it's like pin drop silence that she's about to say you know for the intermission she's like you know refreshing to the intermission and my dad just yells show your bush come on yeah he'll show you Bush I swear and yo how many people would you say [Applause] and he didn't even like look at me or look around he just like said it to say it and then he was like come on I'll buy everybody candy you know I swear and then um and then so my dad is like again first of all Chuck Schumer you know talked after the thing they had it was like a very like kind of religious it was a public school but they wanted to like make sure all the bases were covered so yeah Chuck Schumer senator from New York talking for like the Jews and then you had um a Catholic uh priest like a cardinal um a bishop I met talking and then you had a like a Muslim uh what is it a shaman not a shaman Imam what is it even though an Elon no more what is it you know I don't know what it is you know a Muslim priest a Muslim high priest a [ __ ] Sultan I don't know but a good guy a good Muslim kid an Imam yeah Imam okay so he starts to and then dude there's like you know it's like you know a thousand people and the Imam starts doing a prayer in Muslim and we're like very much like you know I'm sitting with the student body again getting a doctorate degree so it's prestigious and you know like in Arabic or something yeah and it's in Arabic and then my like it wait till like dead signs and my dad just yells out from the back Hakuna Matata oh and then people are like that and I knew and that's the thing you had 500 people all turn around except me I was looking straight and I was like nope no I'm just gonna keep looking straight ahead my dad is like even right now I can tell you the kind of dude he is like three weeks ago man three weeks ago he had to go to how old is he now right I'm 75 years old okay diabetic you know 300 pounds doesn't give a [ __ ] Christmas you know was Christmas Day the day after December 26th this dude's eating leftovers he ate yo half a tray of lasagna he's a diabetic right in front he was me my dad and my stepmom half a tray lasagna in one sitting three cannolis a cup of coffee and half a penny Allah vodka a grilled chicken and I was like yo dad slow down and he was like plea I didn't know I had a gay son and then he's just shoveling okay yeah I didn't know my son blows guys as he's just shoveling the pasta in his mouth fast forward 10 hours guy has to get rushed to the [ __ ] emergency room with congestive heart failure he's like gargling he really did I swear to God man on that day yeah and then he's like guard like when he talked because he was a he he literally ate himself into congestive heart failure like they the doctors were like we've rarely ever seen this this guy ate seven sodium that his body yeah that was so uh I thought it was so funny because he's like gargling as he's talking and even like him I mean this guy's got like machines on like he's not out of the woods yet but he's like talking like he's guarding he's like yeah he's like I guess I sound gay now in front of the doctors and he's like and the doctors are like what yeah they don't even know he's like talking [ __ ] to me he's like when I swallowed some Cubs and we're like Jesus Christ I swear I was at Dwight Gooden's no hitter in 1996 and um and uh we were at the game in like the upper deck and my dad's like nose like Dwight Gooden's pitching a no-hitter like it's and I'm you know a little kid I'm just happy to be at the game with my dad and my dad's like we're not gonna [ __ ] watch you know hit her from up here we gotta go down behind home plate and I'm like well we don't have tickets for that you know he's like just listen to everything I tell you to do it's like I swear to God like true 100 story this is like crazy and um I've told this I've told this story before but it's it's like just like sometimes when I talk it it's like oh I forgot about that part because it's just like certain things block out and then certain things you're like oh that's what happens so just to set it up so for people you're at a major league baseball game where a major event is a is a very rare thing is happening yes you're in bad seats yes and you want to get to the Primo seats and you're like we don't have tickets and your dad's like Follow My Lead also yes also I forgot about this part also it's 1996. I'm in uh sixth grade my father I had a humongous son science project due the next day that I did not complete in time my father comes from Staten Island to pick me up for the game my mother's like Tony I don't care what's going on again no cell phones yet I don't care what's going on you leave after the third or fourth inning he needs to be home to wake up early tomorrow morning to finish the science project those are the rules I don't care he needs to come home and do not give him any soda as soon as my mother shuts the door we get to the corner my dad takes out a [ __ ] Mountain Dew the worst of all sorts yeah just takes it out gives it to me here you go he goes here you go he goes just don't obviously don't tell your mom he goes but I mean she can't deprive you of everything I mean you're a kid yeah so like we're drinking the Mountain Dew and I'm [ __ ] wired I'm like ready to go I'm like I love my dad you know and then I told my dad you know it was like maybe like nine o'clock and I'm like oh it's like the third or fourth inning goes we'll stay Walmart winning like whatever like it's what's will tell your mother's train problems don't worry about it so I'm like okay so then it's like the fifth inning sixth inning seventh inning and you just want a good hitter pitching the no-hitter my dad's like she's gonna understand she's going to understand Dwight's pitching and no no I'm like I don't think my mom knows what that is or cares she doesn't like sports or right she hates you and she doesn't like sports so I feel like she's gonna care and it's gonna get bad but I'm 12 years old I'm hanging with my dad I'm on Mountain Dew and hot dogs and [ __ ] having a great time with my dad so I'm like this is awesome so he goes just follow everything I tell you to do so he's holding my hand and as he's holding my hand he goes take your hat off because we're gonna yank yeah and he I never I swear he pushes my bangs down I don't know what that means just pushes my bangs down he holds my hat I'm like okay so we're going down and then the security guard you know this is again pre-911 so you could just walk around the stadium so the security guards there at the top of the seats that are going directly down behind home plate and he sees two or three open seats he goes hey I see two or three open down there can I just you know it's my kids [ __ ] first game and twice pitching to no no like you understand my dad's going to pull out cash you know cash security guard says put your money away that's not going to work on me he goes I understand he goes well my kids got special needs I swear and then I look up at him like I know what to do and I swear like I didn't mean for this happen I was such and shocked that some drool did come out of my chin and then the security guard rubs me on my head and goes have a good time kid and we sit down in these two seats the row in front of me it's like a 12 year old sweat dream I'm like [ __ ] and then it's like a complex though so I'm like do I look like I have special needs because nobody ever told me I did but you know like it's like I remember walking down the steps like what the [ __ ] am I dancing you did good the drool was a good touch and I'm like I don't know what to say or do I just show up back at my high school like I didn't just put somebody in a coma I just walked right back in and brother rob it was a Catholic High School brother Rob's like to Stefano you're expelled I was a God I forgot you know it was like never forget I was like I forgot um so what are you gonna do so I forgot that I killed somebody and I saw this [ __ ] Mueller in my shoe but so my father here's what you need to know about my father Tony DeStefano AKA Tony balls with the Z he he Criminal criminal through out my life like I'm not like not weekend in jail I'm talking about federally prosecuted federally convicted for real Zee's inmate okay like Ben and you know it's back they got the wrong guy I'm like here's the thing no they did it okay 100 nailed it you're the right guy you're a dirtbag so so that's my father like an ex legit criminal like where he just doesn't like he's you know so I call my father true Thursday morning September 13th call my father I'm like Dad I have bad news I'm like um I was expelled from school I know I desired the family I'm really sorry but I was expelled he goes here's the good news no you aren't I'm like no but I was he goes I'm gonna come down there I'm going to negotiate I was like oh my God please don't come down here laughs my dad lives on Staten Island if you're not from New York I went to a high school in Queens my dad's from Staten Island that's like an hour and a half with traffic okay Thursday morning my dad gets there in 30 minutes 30 minutes he shows up I'll never forget New York Yankees batting practice jacket shorts flip-flops a chain that's Jesus's actual height and weight in gold whole [ __ ] extra large cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts just walking in I swear to God I just walks in he's he's like we're gonna take care of this I'm like oh my God so I'm 17 years old so you have to get a meeting with the principal of a high school like you can't just walk in this secretary there's a whole thing it's a national tragedy I mean people got questions and my dad walks past the secretary just walks it to the principal's office the principal is on the phone I'll never forget this he's on the phone and my dad goes hey can I talk to you and the principal's like sir I'm on the phone my dad hangs up the phone and he goes look it out whoop-dee-doo now you're not on the phone like it was a [ __ ] magic trick like like upper field just hangs it up what's happening so my dad goes because again my dad's a criminal so he uses criminal language that's just how he speaks to people he goes my son allegedly somebody in the head with the chair and we'd like to plead not guilty so the principal is like this isn't a court of law we have video evidence of your son hitting somebody in the head with a chair he's guilty and he's expelled and my dad goes there's got to be another way the principal star there's no other way so my dad rolls a wad of cash that he just pulled out of his pocket out of a rub and just rolled it out and goes is there another way are you gonna bribe a man of God and my dad goes I lost God September 21st 1979. now I don't know what that means but I know he was in prison so I'm thinking I'm thinking it was a shower situation oh get ahead of myself I think something went down in the showers he lost God and yeah God may be hiding his butthole my tacos I lost God so the principal's like well he's expelled my dad goes he's got to be another way and the principal goes sorry there's no other way so my dad finally says let's just think of a plan man to man what could that could there be another way and then the principle I get it it's just like this guy doesn't know who my father is he doesn't know what's going on he's got a lot of [ __ ] on his mind so the principal finally says to my father goes sir are you stupid there's no other way so my dad he starts looking up the ceiling and laughing my daddy goes he goes Chrissy did this guy just call me [ __ ] stupid and I was like no habla English you're not saying and my dad goes Chrissy lock the [ __ ] door every time my dad called me by my transgender name I [ __ ] knew that [ __ ] was about to pop off so I talked it back and I locked that [ __ ] door because I'm Daddy's Little Princess and I know what daddy wants [Applause] Ultra this is ultra I'm [ __ ] hammered right now so my father my father says to the principal he goes now you got two options he goes the second option is really gonna suck for you he goes here's the first option you put my son back in school easy [ __ ] Breeze he goes the second option I'm gonna come over there I'm gonna break both these kneecaps he goes because I'm he goes I'll call the police right now I'll give him my social security number my name my address he goes I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life than you throw him out and me have to listen to his mother's [ __ ] mouth for the rest of my life he goes either way I'm in prison I'd rather be in actual jail with my friends [Music] so the choice is yours and it shot because I was still tucked back on the first option when he said just put my son back in school easy breezy in my head I went beautiful Cover Girl um Maybelline [Music] then the principal just put me right back into high school I mean you can't imagine how quick this guy was just forgot about that I put somebody in a car forgot about all the problems I had he just put me right back into school and then hand to God the End by the end of the school year the principal I believe was making deliveries for my father I believe there was a couple times I saw my dad come in with a brown paper bag full of who knows what and the principal put it underneath his [ __ ] brother robe and just delivered it to who needed it so the moral of the story is Trump 2020. um no I wouldn't vote for him but my dad did um he knew that though no he can't vote he's a [ __ ] criminal um [Music] tell me [Music] pull up hello [Music]

Channel: Yeroc Media

Views: 94,903

Keywords: Chris Distefano Dad Stories, Chris Distefano dad, Chris Distefano 9/11, Chrissy Chaos Clips, Tom Segura Chris Distefano, Chris Distefano Dad Stories funny

Id: nuwc61JpL2E

Length: 22min 16sec (1336 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 09 2023