Catwoman - The Worst Superhero Movie Ever Made?

[Music] welcome back to the worst superhero movies ever made a series where I watch bad superhero movies and decide which one is the stinkiest so far in this series we've only watched one movie and it wasn't really that bad so let's dive a little deeper and hit a movie that is significantly worse 2004's Catwoman and we have a treat today because this is my first time watching this movie before today I did not know anything about this movie other than a few scenes that I've seen out of context so let's go baby now much like daredevil this movie starts with an edgy monologue it all started on the day that I died they say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die and now that I think about it there are a lot of superhero movies that start with a stupid monologue if you guys haven't noticed every superhero movie from this era just really wanted to be like spider-man so they're all just ripping off spider-man you get an opening narration followed by a slow origin story where we watch our hero get used to their new powers it's the same movie the difference is that we actually [ __ ] like spider-man let's be honest nobody really wanted a Catwoman movie the fact that she got a movie before Wonder Woman is kind of hilarious especially when you consider the fact that this is barely a Catwoman movie this movie is not interested in adapting any content from comic books like if we're going off of comic books here are the elements that are actually accurate to the source material number one her name is Catwoman that's it that's a whole list so yeah this time any residual comic-book knowledge is not gonna come into play here this movie completely consists of OC and for this I would like to thank the creator of this movie a man known simply as Pete off Potosi I don't know so yeah anyway this movie stars Halle Berry who plays Selina Kyle oh wait no sorry I've been notified that her name in this movie is actually patients Phillips okay sure and since this movie wants to be spider-man really bad patients as a huge loser who can't dress for [ __ ] has no backbone and she can't even walk good oh my god she's just like me I love the escapism as the movie shows us how much of a [ __ ] nerd ass loser virgin she is we also get to see that she's being visited by a magic teleporting ghost cat now if that's too wacky for you I'm gonna need to tell you that the ghost cat is probably the most normal thing in the movie while chasing ghost cat she climbs up the side of a building thinking that he's in danger but oopsie he teleports away and leaves her up there to die man I hate what my cat does that and this is a good part to bring up the editing because the editing is very interesting to me it can easily be described as the worst thing about the movie you want shot continuity will [ __ ] you shot continuity is for cowards half the time people have different facial expressions between cuts and sometimes there doing other stuff entirely there are like a dozen cuts per second to remember that one notorious clip from Bohemian Rhapsody where one short scene has like 80 cuts or something ridiculous yeah well that's basically this whole movie let's look at this one short clip and count how many cuts we can fit into around 15 seconds [Applause] [Music] oh we ain't done yet [Music] so anyway while patience is trapped on a Ledge ready to die she's rescued by a new character and since the editing is so wacky crazy the movie makes it look like this guy climbs like three storeys and breaks into her apartment in approximately five seconds this guy's already got superpowers why isn't the movie about him so anyway this guy is our love interest and quick sidenote did you know that the average person can remember and recognize around 10,000 people in their lifetime but out of that 10,000 we might only remember the names of a few of them so what I'm basically trying to say is that you shouldn't get too mad at me if I call this guy cop man for the rest of the movie I just really don't want to waste one of my ten thousand so anyway they do the meet-cute and she goes back to work at the CGI office building that she works at and by the way while you look at this hilariously unnecessary CGI shot of a building that could have just been a normal building and nobody would have questioned it I should probably point out that this movie had a budget of 100 million dollars for comparison that's the same budget as the second Harry Potter movie which came out two years earlier and looks about 200 times better in every single aspect I legitimately have no idea what the [ __ ] they spent all that money on because I don't think a lot of it went towards the actual movie this movie also has a lot of things that I can classify as unnecessary unnecessary CGI shots unnecessary side characters and unnecessary moments like this one Sharon Stone is talking to her husband and being mean to him and then the scene ends with her teleporting away why does this happen well because P Toph said so are you gonna question him cuz I'm not gonna do it so anyway in this movie the villains have an evil plot where they are making skin cream that gives people rashes because they're evil and they don't care about the suffering of others even though theoretically it'll lose them money in the long run they don't care though because they're evil so patients accidentally finds this out and the bad guys try to kill her wait a minute how is she casting a shadow she has her back to the crates and there's no light behind her okay I guess I don't have time to think about it we're in a chase scene now and I am NOT sighing this footage at all there are so many cuts and then she dies and no I'm not joking this time she actually does die it's pretty funny but then an army of magical ghost cats find her lifeless body and I'm not making this next part up is gonna seem like I'm making it up but I'm not so y'all listen to me okay the ghost cats climb onto her body and they burp on her to bring her back to life and give her superpowers honestly this is so silly that it's kind of fascinating in this day and age of a superhero movie isn't accurate enough then people will just riot in the streets there's still people who are mad that the new spider-man movies haven't mentioned Uncle Ben enough times but back in the early 2000s you could just have a movie where the webs come out of his [ __ ] skin and nobody says anything about it and you can have this movie who's made by a French filmmaker with one name who's like Oh Catwoman yeah I could make a movie on that it's a woman who's also a cat how hard could it be so anyway now that she has superpowers the movie decides to actually use this as an excuse to have worse editing I didn't think it could get worse but hey this movie's not even a quarter of the way through yet so I'm open to having my mind blown a bit more so right after getting her new cat powers just to show you that she is infected with the abilities of a cat she sleeps in her bed like a cat but then she falls out of bed and she doesn't land on her feet so never mind I take it all back this movie cannot be trusted but other than that for the most part she has all of the powers of a cat including but not limited to the ability to dress a little better the desire to steal jewelry the ability to cut and dye her own hair super strength and the confidence to insult her boss I'm sorry sir he's not nearly enough okay and let me try the remix oh and in case you didn't know cats superpowers also make you really good at basketball so as the first major bonding moment between our main character her love interest they have what I can only call a sexual one-on-one basketball match in front of a large group of children and this is the funniest scene in the whole movie if the Evanescence seen from daredevil is the funniest scene in that movie I'm picking this one to represent this movie but unlike daredevil this movie does not have any brakes it is non-stop balls-to-the-wall insane basketball scenes over no time to waste she has to fight her neighbors now I say fight but that's kind of generous she's more of a public nuisance a social terrorist if you will oh wait that fight scenes over don't blink now she's stealing a motorcycle whose motorcycle is it why is she doing it don't think about it too long it doesn't matter look how many editors we have look how expensive this movie is I'm ghost ride with her newfound powers that are only marginally cat-related patience decides to not only stop criminals but to do the crimes herself afterwards what brings her to this decision again I don't know I'm never gonna know so please stop asking me the movie doesn't want to tell me now she has an irresistible urge to steal jewelry she just likes jewelry now because I guess cats like jewelry baby I need to borrow some jewelry I don't know isn't that like what birds do isn't that a bird thing well I'm not a smart man so I'm really not gonna question it this movie just kind of does whatever it wants it doesn't care if things happen for a reason and once you start to understand the scene you just get distracted by either awful editing or equally awful CGI or both look at this [ __ ] that I'm showing you right now where did the money go where did the money go piece off so once patience has done a few crimes she decides to go on the internet and find out why she has superpowers and I think one of my favorite tropes and bad movies is the main character doing dumb Google searches cats women and I've been complaining about all this stuff but I haven't even mentioned how bad the writing is hey man sandwich every single line in this movie is stupid to the point where I don't even have time to mention all of them so I'm not patients anymore you are patients and you are careful it's safe to say that everything in this movie is bad the directing is bad the editing is bad the acting is bad call the cops not sometimes characters can just teleport like there are a lot of scenes where people teleport and I don't know why it just keeps happening the shots are bad there's distracting product placement the action is bad I'm convinced that this movie just wants to be bad and in every single scene you get something hilarious like Oscar Award winner Halle Berry acting like a cat so this is how the story goes in this movie patience learns about the evil plan to sell bad face cream and then they kill her and then she comes back to life but she forgets about the face cream for about a third of the movie and then she remembers it so she goes back to the face cream factory but there's a dead guy there so she leaves and she decides to just hang out and go on dates and [ __ ] around with no urgency even though she knows the evil plot but I don't know I guess you forgot about the face cream again this movies pretty disorienting if you've never been drunk before I can say with full honesty that you can watch this movie and it'll feel exactly the same I didn't really intend for this comparison to keep coming up but this movie is almost exactly the same as daredevil which came out a year before the scenes even feel the same the romance scenes are the same the action set-pieces are the same the story leads to our hero being framed for a murder they didn't commit which leads to friction between them and their love interest and then the police pursue them and boy golly if I thought the romantic subplot and daredevil was bad it's got nothing on this movie the entire relationship between Catwoman and cop man consists of her being a weirdo and him just smiling like a [ __ ] idiot at everything she says or does here so anyway like I said before Catwoman gets framed for murder and then caught man arrests her but that's okay her cat powers allow her to compress her skeleton and slip through the bars of a jail cell because I guess that's how it works now she has to go stop Sharon Stone from shipping the evil face cream across the world and it's at this point that I realized the entire plot hinges on the fact that everybody needs to believe and listen to Sharon Stone's character she tells everybody hey my husband was murdered by Catwoman and everybody believes her the only problem is a simple investigation would prove that Catwoman is innocent all patients has to do is go to the cops and say hey the bad guys tried to murder me and then the cops would go to Sharon Stone's very publicly available evil lair and find out what's going on it's that simple at any point she could just go to them and say hey these guys are selling evil face cream and they aren't really trying to hide it either but no she doesn't try that until after she gets caught she keeps confronting Sharon Stone in multiple scenes but then at the end of each scene one of them just leaves this is the whole movie and it's really dumb Catwoman goes to a place fight someone for a second then they talk and then one of them runs away it happens again and again and again by the time the final battle occurs I didn't even care because Catwoman has confronted the main villain like four times even when the cop guy finds out her evil plan he just decides to go to Sharon Stone alone and threaten her even though he knows she's a murderer he's a cop he could call backup he could just report it to his other cop friends but he doesn't so she shoots him and yeah maybe she shouldn't murder cops if she's trying to get away with this secret evil scheme logically he shouldn't be there and logically she shouldn't shoot him but [ __ ] it let's just do both don't think too hard this movie relies on you not thinking about anything that you're watching is anyway Catwoman confronts Sharon Stone one final time and they have a dumb karate fight oh and also Sharon Stone has super strength in this movie because of her evil face cream yeah I was gonna mention it before but honestly who cares this movie's [ __ ] dumb let's kill the main villain and end it I'm sick of this movie [Music] oh sorry I've been notified by my producer that every early 2000 superhero movie has to end with a CGI scene of the hero on the city rooftops oh my gosh this is not a good movie honestly guys this movie makes daredevil look like a [ __ ] masterpiece I know this is only the second movie we've watched in this series but I think on a technical level it's gonna be really hard to top this one as one of the worst I'm really not joking when I say that every aspect of this movie is incompetent but on one hand in a weird way it's kind of endearing like yeah on paper this movie fails at every aspect of filmmaking but it's also really fun to watch every moment is so [ __ ] crazy that you'll probably enjoy yourself this movie is hilarious and I can't say that about other bad superhero movies that I've seen because I can tell you guys with full transparency that the next movies I cover in this series are not gonna be the kind that are fun to watch you know the ones I'm talking about if we're judging this movie solely on its technical failures I'd probably give it a 2 out of 10 but I'm not doing that because it's just too entertaining and [ __ ] it's my list number scores are done anyway so we're giving Catwoman a three out of 10 [Music] [Music]

Channel: The Cosmonaut Variety Hour

Views: 1,741,137

Rating: 4.9442554 out of 5

Keywords: why it sucks, catwoman, review

Id: OllDyM4gViw

Length: 15min 57sec (957 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 16 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/MrBoliNica]

Cosmo has a great channel (also he is from FL, represent!). He has some great takes when it comes to nerd culture stuff

[u/wlangelwl]

Glad i watched this just now.. I watched 10 mins of the actual movie but it was too much going on already.. I just cant. Poor Greg

[u/harabusa]

if you need an ever shorter version... look up Screen Rants Pitch Meeting about the movie