Hey Little Stinkers, and welcome back to the YouTube Home Shopping Network Uhh, just a reminder that every item visible within this video is for sale. So please place your bets down in the comments below. Today we're gonna be taking a trip back to the year 1994: The peak of human existence. Everybody was wearing jeans on their legs, and jeans on their arms, and the show Martin starring Martin Lawrence was entering its third season on Fox, many years before entering its first season on this shirt, and Logan Paul was still a sperm. What a time to be alive... Meanwhile, I was one years old in 1994, the same age that the Olsen twins were when they began their acting careers. Which is absolutely insane to think about. If you grew up in the 90s, like I did, you probably remember seeing Mary-Kate and Ashley on Full House, playing the singular role of Michelle Tanner, but also, as the 90s progressed, they started popping up in all these weird, like, straight-to-VHS movies, if you could call them that, where they're playing like detectives, and having sleepovers, and singing songs. [90s style rap] Umm, did I happen to say? [All rapping] I want pizza! Looking back at some of these productions, not only are some of them absolutely bat-shit crazy, [Singing country] No one tells the president what to do [Blues-y piano riff] But when I went back and watched one, it feels like I'm watching like a family-run youtube channel but it's 1994. You guys will start to see what I'm talking about as this video goes on. I think, to start, I'm just going to react to this first Mary-Kate and Ashley VHS that I found. Its called, fittingly, Our First Video Basically, all this is, is an- is an album. It's a series of like, seven or eight music videos with a little bit of banter in between, but it's basically just songs. Now I'll get to the actual songs in a second But I can't do that yet, because that's not how the video actually starts. The video starts with a two-minute advertisement for a variety of other things- and, uh, just let me know what you think about these. [zipping sound] [sudden jazz chord] [Jazzy music] Announcer: "If you want to know more about Mary-Kate and Ashley, be sure to join the twins' very own fan club! [cartoon-y sound effects] "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Fun Club™ [swish] "as a registered member of the Fun Club™, you'll receive a copy of: [cartoon-y sound effects] "'Our 'Funzine', [swish] "an autographed color photo of the twins, [slide whistle] "a personal membership card, [swish] "a full-size color poster, [slide whistle] "a Fun Club™ school folder, [swish] "the official Fun Club™ collectibles catalog [cartoon-y whistle] "a carrying case, [cartoon gunshot] "and much, much, more!" Drew: That sounds fun! Announcer: "To join the Fun Club™, send check or money order for $17 to... [swish] "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Fun Club™!" Drew: As you guys can probably imagine, my first reaction when watching that, besides just appreciating the incredible use of sound effects, [loud guitar] is that, I really want to join this Club™. Please, let me join this Club™. Unfortunately, I did a little bit of research, and it turns out the Fun Club™ disbanded after eight years of operation, in the year... [light piano] 2001. [whispered] Damn! Was there anything that 9/11 didn't ruin?!1 By the looks of it though, I might have actually dodged a bullet by not being able to join the Fun Club™, because it seems like the people who were a part of the Fun Club™ didn't have very good experiences. "Flaws: despite being some of the most loved collectibles, "the Fun Club™ kits are also some of the cheapest, in terms of quality. "Here is a list of some of the flaws we've noticed within the kits: "Number One- They often get them mixed up. "On the right, the photo that says 'Ashley Olsen' is actually Mary-Kate. "They were also incorrectly labeled on the back of one of the 'Funzines' Announcer voice: "Funzine!" :-) Drew: "Additionally, spelling errors, punctuation errors, and capitalization errors. "These are especially noticeable in the "Funzine" magazine. Example: "YOU. Re-invited to MA Rikate and Ashley's Birthday Part. "This is exactly how it was typed. "They also have spelled 'Olsen' incorrectly, OL-Sahn "and, on occasion, forget to hyphenate 'Mary-Kate' Can you imagine being Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and having a fan club named after you, that's supposed to be all about you, and the people you're paying to make it for you, can't be bothered to learn which one of you is which, or how to spell your names correctly? And also your six and there's nothing you can do about it? And actually, after looking into it a little bit more, it seemed to be even worse than just spelling and grammar mistakes, According to this entire website devoted to warning fans about the Fun Club™, It starts to sound like the Fun Club™... was kind of a scam... "WARNING!!! "This is the Mary-Kate and Ashley's Fun Club™ warning page "If you're an Olsen twins fan, like me and many other people in the world, then you need to read this... [Echoes] "NOW... "I joined the Fun Club™ about three to four years ago about five to six months- yes, months- after that "I finally got my stuff. "The Fun Club™ was pretty fun then, but then about a year later, "I got a card in the mail, from the Fun Club™, saying I needed to renew my membership "So, I sent in the money, and then they sent me a letter saying, 'You weren't supposed to renew yet! 'We will tell you when you need to renew.' "Well, why in the world did they already send me a letter saying I needed to renew? "So confusing and so irresponsible for America's Favorite Twins Official Fan Club !!! "I was so surprised and mad- my mom got mad too! "We've wrote to them a billion times, "and they haven't wrote back in a long time. "So that's why i'm warning you about this Fun Club™! "It's not so great after all! "If you're a fan that is/was in the Fun Club™ at one time and you agree "that what they're doing is wrong, "then send email here, to MKA petition "send in your name and reason why you disliked it so much, and what could make it better. "I already have and you should too Yeah, you! "We fans are the only ones that can stop this. We can't let our favorite twins have a fan club... "Well, like that!!! "That makes Mary-Kate and Ashley look bad "and they can't even do anything about it! "So, please! Take the time to do this. "Thanks!" Oh, and also, I have even made my own Mary-Kate and Ashley club, it's free! But I need a bunch of people to join before I can send anything out. Be sure and tell EVERYBODY about it! Guys, talking to you now- Tell EVERYBODY about this. "And go here to find out more." Alright, I'm ready- Oh GOD! Oh- Fuck! This... is... Impeccable web design. They found one three by three pixel image that they liked, and then it repeats across the entire page. Beautiful. I love the Internet in the 90's. All right, let's get back to the video. "Call Sail with the Stars at: 818-999-9396. "to see how you and your family can join Mary-Kate & Ashley on their next Caribbean cruise." Wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do this again, But WHAT THE FUCK is sail with the Stars? Was that a thing? IS that a thing? Will you go on a cruise ship with a celebrity? "Please enter your security code." "Please enter your security code." [Dialing] "Please enter your security code." All right. That was weird. Sail with the Stars: catch a sailing star aboard Sail with the Stars. Sail with the Stars specializes in celebrity themed cruises, music festivals at sea, and events that are, quote, "leagues apart from other travel experiences." Cruise with bands and favorite musician. Oh sweet. Looks like they've got some cruises upcoming. The Kiss Cruise Experience, November 4th through 9th... 2016. OK. Oh! Pitbull! [Pitbull vocalizing] Oh, but that's not till March of... 2017. The specific cruise I'm still a little confused about was their RL Stine Cruise. You know RL Stine, the author of the Goosebumps books. Alright, so let me get this straight You could pay a bunch of money to go on a cruise for a few days and the main appeal of that cruise, is that there's an author of a children's series on the cruise. What are some of the events that go out on this cruise? Maybe you could watch him right the next goosebumps book through a window. Everyone's like trying to peek over eachother- "I want to see!" "I want to see!" "What do you think he's typing right now?" "I don't know but it's probably spooky!" Like what is this? I'm not even at all surprised that this specific event service doesn't exist anymore. [Garbled] Sail with the Stars. Alright, Clearly I'm getting a little too distracted here. My apologies. I just find all this shit really interesting for whatever reason, and so I wanted to look more into it. But to help get back on track, I've changed my shirt to a different form of 90s nostalgia... ...Spam. Uh, Can of meat so good they named unwanted emails after it. But back to the video. So finally after two full minutes of weird advertisements For all the other things that helped the Olsen twins become billionaires The first song finally begins... [Music] "I am the cute one." "It's obvious." Fine. I'll say it. They're adorable. I'm not making this video to bash on the Olsen twins they're children here. And I think they do a very good job of being children. I'm making this video to bash on every other aspect of this video. For example, the background music. which sounds like it was the inspiration for the Wii Sports soundtrack. [Mary-Kate & Ashley background music] "I've got the profile." "She's got the nose." Oh, SHE has the nose! Yeah. I was wondering about that. "I am the cute one." "She's just me sister." Not gonna lie. This song is very cute, but I can't say that about the song that comes right after it, which has somehow survived 25 years without becoming a meme. [Woman offscreen] "Mary Kate, Ashley. Don't bounce on the bed." "Oops!" "Can't bounce on a bed." [Woman] "Girls, don't make a mess." "Can't make a mess." [Woman] "Don't forget to eat all your vegetables." [Twins] "Yuck!" [Drew groans] Boy, I do not miss being a kid and having to eat... One full pound of uncooked broccoli for dinner. Eugh. "I can't wait 'til I get bigger." "I can't wait until I'M a grown up!" Do you want to tell them or should I? "I can't wait until I'm... [Tooting horn] President!" "Yeah, President!" "Nobody tells the President what to do!" [Smooth Saxophone] "I know I'd enjoy being president." "And here's the reason why..." Fun fact: I figured out by watching the credits- The guy who plays Bill Clinton in this is named Pat Rick Pat Rick. That's his name, and I don't know why that's so funny. "No one tells him when it's time to mow the White House Lawn." "If anybody tried to you can bet they'd soon be gone." "Bye bye..." I don't normally get political on this channel, but I think we can all agree while watching this that this song was written for Donald Trump. I would pay a thousand- No, maybe like seven dollars- to see this song recreated with Donald Trump. "No one says 'the press is coming! Clean behind your ears!'" "Unless they want to have a time out for the next four years." Do you think at any point during this production, someone just stopped everything and was like "What the fuck are we doing? Why does this dude eat diarrhea noodles. Way to go Prop Department. [offscreeen chorus] "She'll fix all the laws. She'll be like Santa Claus." Now I'm not exactly known for my ability to dance but what moves are these? what's he doing there? That one wasn't even a dance. That's just him kind of pointing back and forth. "No one tells the President-" "No one tells the President." "See you on Election Day!" Twins win! They're both the President! Not sure how that works. Now you guys know this exists, please, please, please, edit this into some kind of meme. I had an idea to edit into a clip where Donald Trump is like pensively kind of looking off into the distance and then you zoom into his head, and then you you see that he's singing this song in his head. And maybe you cut back and reporters are like asking him a question and he's just like "No." That's kind of what I pictured but I didn't really feel like making it so... can someone do that for me? Thanks. The next song is called "Brother for Sale". and it's a song about... ...selling their brother. "Brother for sale..." "Only 50 cents." I do have to say the special effects in this video are top-notch. "He will always pick you up." This song is also pretty cute. A funny detail is that as it goes on, their asking price keeps getting lower and lower. as if to say: "We will take goddamn anything for this guy. He sucks." I think what's funny about this song to me and really this as a whole is like- obviously Mary-Kate and Ashley didn't write any of these songs. All of these songs are written by adults for them. So with this song I'm picturing them like asking the kids about their life, trying to figure out, like, what they could write a song about. They're like "do you have any siblings?" "Oh you do, you have a brother? Do you fucking hate him? Would you ever consider... I don't know, setting up a stand outside your front door and selling him for enough money to buy nothing? You would?" Like I'm picturing the brother who was 9 at the time, watching this song for the first time. just kind of like [Olsen Twins offscreen] "Brother for sale..." What the hell? After this, you can tell the writers were really starting to run out of ideas, because the next song is just about pronouncing words wrong. "Leech and a Leech make... 2 Looch!" That's incorrect. "A roach and a roach make... 2 reach!" None of this is right. "I don't think so." Then there's this song about how even though they look the same, they're two different people with two different personalities. Which also happens to be the plot of every single movie they were ever in. And then it ends with a beautiful number about how much they love their mom. "Mom... we're really lucky. 'Cause we've got you..." That is so heartwarming, what a wonderful way to end the album. Oh, wait, there's one more song? Well, it's got to be pretty good if it's gonna top that. "You think you made enough?" "You can never have enough peanut butter!" Oh, it's just a song about peanut butter. "Peanut, peanut butter." Again, If the Olsen twins wrote this song I'd be like, "hell yeah, you go girls!" That's a cute ass song written by some cute ass kids. But that's not what happened. Adults who got paid to write this wrote this song and this is what they came up with. How? Damn it, Mike, we've got 45 seconds to write a song from scratch and I'm all out of ideas. Don't look at me. Damn it, Mike. How could you be eating at a time like this? What- wait a minute... what kind of sandwich is that? Peanut butter..? Damn it, Mike. You're a genius. Yeah, duh. The song and likewise the video ends with them just listing different quantities of peanut butter. "Lumps of peanut butter." Oh, Lumps, okay. [she repeats] Cups of-? alright, yeah. [repeats] Did they say lumps again? I don't- They were working nonstop throughout the 90s and early 2000s. They released dozens of videos like this. Which in total grossed over 500 million dollars. Yeah that's million. With an L. These girls were money-making machines. They starred in like, a hundred of their own movies. They created a global fashion empire by being one of the first big celebrity brands to make their merchandise available in stores like Walmart. And they became CEOs of their own billion dollar company, all before they were adults. It's all crazy. But I guess it begs the question at what cost? You know, I was watching some videos about them and all the top comments are about how, like, weird they are and how they must be like reptile people or some shit. Which to a degree, I- you know, I understand. We don't see much from them anymore and when we do, it's always some strange glimpse into their lives Like that vine that went viral a couple years ago where they're just creepily staring into the camera. A lot of people like to shit on them for stuff like that, and just for how different they look now. But I think there's a bit of an unrealistic expectation for them to be these well-adjusted, normal people when they've been famous for ever. They've been celebrities for literally their entire lives. They were born, they pooped and slept for a couple of months, and then they were on TV. That's the Olsen twins. Even trying to compare their story to other child actors who eventually grew up and turned out... okay. Or... not so okay. But there's really no one like the Olsen twins. The main thing that always separates them from other child actors is that other child actors presumably, at some point, made the choice to act, even if they were 7 or 10 or 15. There came a time where they like announced to their parents, "Guys, I want to act." They didn't know what that would ultimately end up entailing, but they still made the choice to do it, because at the time that's what they thought they wanted to do. Mary-Kate and Ashley never made the choice to act. They never made the choice to be famous. Those decisions were made for them. And then that led into years of other decisions being made for them. And I don't think it's a coincidence that by the time they were finally old enough to make their own decisions, They stopped acting. Well, it probably didn't help that they also turned out to be pretty terrible actors. But even a terrible actor doesn't shy away from the limelight the way the Olsen twins have. there are plenty of people who strive to be a celebrity without having anything that would make them worthy of being one. For a lot of people, fame is the goal, and anything that may help them get there is merely incidental. The Olsen twins, on the other hand, have absolutely no desire to be famous. They have no social media presence. They- They're rarely seen in public. They don't do interviews and because of that people view them as like these secretive hermits, like, "Oh, What are they trying to hide? One of their faces looks different now, is it drugs? Is it surgery? Come on, Tell us, it's my right to know." But after falling down a rabbit hole the past couple of weeks and watching all these documentaries, and reading all these old articles written about them throughout the years, I started to... Well, I wouldn't say I started to feel bad for them because it's hard to feel bad for a billionaire, But it's clear that they'll never be capable of living normal lives. They've said publicly before and this is actually kind of tragic, but they've said before that they wouldn't wish their childhood on anybody. Um, Which then a lot of people hear and they're like, "Oh, yeah? What? Oh, you don't want to be rich and famous? Don't want to build and buy whatever you want? Boohoo." But like go back and watch some old interviews of them as a kid. They're really fucking weird. "Do you ever get tired of the working? Just think, 'you know what? I don't want to work anymore. Let's just go play.'" :No..." "You like work?" "Yeah." It's almost like they're these cute... robots that just kind of, did what they were told. And they made a bunch of money because that's what everyone around them told them that's what they were supposed to do. And I imagine if they did ever express dissatisfaction with their situation to someone like their parents, or their manager, or their hundreds of employees who all benefited from them being famous. They would say something like "No. No, you're so lucky." "Think about how how grateful you should be, you get to act, you get to be famous. Please keep doing those things. You're my employer, I need you to keep doing those things." I don't know, I guess to sort of wrap this up and tie it back to what I said in the beginning, I just wonder if maybe we're accidentally going down the same road with some of our famous kids of today. Think of all those family run YouTube channels out there whose success is 100 percent dependent on the cuteness of the kids or the silly antics they get into. I'm sure the parents kind of delude themselves into thinking that they're part of the charm, but they're not. They're just using their kids as adorable props so that they don't have to get real jobs. Every decision is made by the parents in order to squeeze out as much money from their kids as possible. It's not just making videos, It's pumping out merch, and creating a fun club, and sending them on a boat with 200 fans for a week. Which I just can't stop thinking about how weird that is. And yes, I'm definitely making some assumptions here, Maybe the kids are perfectly happy doing what they're doing, and they'll still be able to grow up and learn important life lessons and understand the value of hard work and all that jazz. Or... maybe not. I could be wrong, but maybe shoving your babies into a perpetual limelight before they're even old enough to stop shitting themselves 14 times a day isn't the best way to raise your child. No matter how much it financially benefits you. And maybe the Olsen twins happen to be the perfect blueprint for how to fuck up someone's childhood, and all these parents are just too blissfully ignorant to care. I don't know, just some food for thought, I guess. But that being said, I guess that's pretty much it for today, guy. Um, I'll go ahead and end the video the same way that I always do, by holding my breath for as long as possible. Not so fast, bucko. This is just like the last video! Yeah, but even worse because unlike that guy I've got bad intentions. Are you gonna touch my ass? You wish. I'm actually here to steal your data. Noooo! I should've used a virtual private network. Hi. I'm Charles Charles. Has this happened to you? No? Oh. Well, that makes sense. This is a very specific situation. But chances are something like this will happen you at some point, as it does to many Internet users. And that's why I'm here to tell you guys about expressVPN. A couple of weeks ago, my fortnight account got hacked. They changed my password, changed the Authenticator app to a device I didn't have any control over. So even if I tried to reset my password, I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't have access to the authenticator app or whatever. Um, and I was pretty upset. You're probably thinking "Who cares?" and "Why do you still play fortnight?" both valid questions. But for me, it was more of a wake-up call that I haven't been taking my online security very seriously. Which is where expressVPN comes in. when you use a virtual private network all your online data is encrypted, which prevents internet ne'er-do-wells from sniffing it out. It also masks your IP address, so even the websites you visit won't be able to identify you. Have you ever been trying to watch a YouTube video, and you get this? Well, the great thing about using a VPN is you can change your IP address to that of just about any country in the world, Which basically manipulates the internet into thinking you live there, when you don't and then, BOOM, you have access to that YouTube video you couldn't watch, you can now stream that Netflix show that's only available in Canada For some reason. Take control of your internet. expressVPN has consistently faster speeds than other VPN providers. They've got servers in 94 countries. You've got plenty of options. They've got 24/7 customer support, and they've got apps for every single device, so it's not just for your computer. Download it on your Xbox, your phone, your laptop, so when you're traveling abroad you don't have to worry about missing out on things that only go in your country. It's great. Best part is, it's so easy to set up, that even this idiot over here can do it, right? Drew? Oh, yeah, let me just do that, real quick. You sign up, get an activation code you can use on any of these devices. You click there, You click there. You click there. Boom. You're done. I finally did something right! Nice! Guys, take back your internet privacy today, and find out how you can get three months free by clicking link in the description. ExpressVPN.com/drew that's E-X-P-R-ES-S-V-P-N.com/drew. For three months free with the one-year package. Thank. No problem, buddy. Oh, uh Probably- Probably want to buy a lock for this door. Yeah, I probably should. Sorry guys, sometimes people just barge in like that. Um, anyway, guy, link in the description if you're interested in a VPN, definitely check that out. Thank you so much to ExpressVPN for sponsoring today's video. You know, this just makes me feel so much better about my internet privacy. There's so many scumbags out there, and leeches, lurkers, hackers, and straight-up jerks, so it's nice to finally have some peace of mind. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go rob a Starbucks. So I'll see you guys next week. I'm so bad at kicking--
