Saving Your Marriage From Divorce - David Clarke Part 1

so you're in a situation like that with your marriage it seems impossible there's just no way out look what's happening it's been years like this and Satan is pushing you're done God may not be done and it's not gonna be done with that marriage there's always a chance with God's help welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive David welcome back to focus well my pleasure to be here we love having you here you're just so energetic number one you're fun to be with I can't believe you can contain yourself in a counseling session you must be a very interesting counselor are you subdued when a couple is in front of you or are you just in their face I'm never subdued I can see you tell them what to do and how to do it that's coming to me I don't say well how do you I have never ever said in a counseling session how do you feel about that you get right to the point come on yeah we're gonna get right to it I love it and let me ask you you believe there's some good news about bad marriages how three words join the club I know in point nine percent of marriages get into the danger category at one point or another five to seven years huge problem area the seven-year itch is real and then if you clear that then it's going to be the eighteen to twenty year mark another huge upswing huh marriage breaks down annoying habits male-female differences communication problems conflict issues Plus no one ever taught you how to be intimate in a great Christian home if mom and dad did that they did it behind closed doors I don't know how to do it so your marriage is gonna break down that's the bad news in fact in this great book I don't want a divorce a 90 day guide to saving your marriage you mentioned kind of three basic marriage types let's start there good first we're unhappy but willing to work on it our marriage is struggling we admit it we're gonna be honest here two adults and we want to get better maybe and there's different categories in that main category but that's a not a bad place to be that's a good place they're recognizing okay we're struggling we're roommates let's do better right the couples who don't have the honest conversation where I'm unhappy you're unhappy we're in trouble though is the ones that I'm getting divorced if you loose it and you'll you'll seek a plan like my plan or your pastor or or focuses resources and and the intensives are awesome they're excellent I send couples to the you can make it but you've got to have the conversation and you have to start doing something before it's too late let me ask you this the want to we're gonna come back and get the other two real quick but what about the want to that you're describing how does a couple recognize okay we still have I wanted better in us well good question I mean that's the that's it it's usually gonna be a conversation brought up by one of the spouses probably gonna be the woman because they're sensitive and they know what they're missing your basic guy doesn't know what he's missing if there's food on the table if we're OK in the bedroom if my job is OK we we're good hey aren't we good don't not realizing the wife is dying inside so she's gonna bring it up my theory is a good man's gonna get it you have to bring it up you've got to be very direct he'll realize uh-oh and then we go through a series of steps and that if he loves his wife and chances are he does okay what do I have to do initially he doesn't know what he's missing he'll do it for her and that's fine way to start eventually a few weeks into the program he'll realize oh I've been missing I'm not deep I'm not close to my wife so that's what the ones who comes initially from I love you you're saying we're and we're in trouble I'm gonna respond to it but what I'm also hearing you say is that want to can be an aha you may not start there I mean I just don't know what I want and then when you start going through the process of why are we not as strong as we could be you start recognizing oh maybe I'm part of the problem oh yeah I'm sitting with couples at my office every week had four fired this last week the wife is there he's dragged the husband there and he actually has the nerve she explains I'm upset I'm unhappy we're not intimate and he's arguing with both of us saying no we're fine I'm telling you we're fine I said what are you doing in a shrinks office what are you out of your mind you're in trouble your wife is saying you're in trouble but there's a lot of resistance of that what's the male thing about that why are we blind to that what is it is it ego are we saying hey even though we've got our issues it's okay partly that we're into control and I don't want to feel like I'm out of control in my marriage but underneath the real reason is uh-oh if this is really a problem much is gonna be required of me I'm gonna have to learn how to be intimate I'm gonna have to really get deeper with my wife I don't want to do that I don't know how to do it I'm not good at it and so if I can somehow convince her that were okay then we don't have to do this well it's the dumbest argument in the history of the world she's already saying I'm unhappy we need to have a response to that sir yeah all right let's go to the other two you mentioned the were unhappy stage but willing to work on what's number two number two is my spouse won't change many spouses are in this situation probably the woman could be the man but let's say it's the woman and you have a husband who is not gonna divorce you but he is pretty much done with you he is not gonna be intimate with you and he won't do anything to change he won't read my book I don't want a divorce he will not go to a seminar he will not go to an intensive he won't talk to your pastor he's not gonna make any changes and this can happen over a period of years and the wife's dying inside what am I supposed to do if I have a husband or a spouse like that what does the church offer me well Dave Clark through his book and focus is we're offering you a plan a clear plan that will get his attention hopefully motivate him get him to repent from his sin because that husbands in serious sin if you're saying our marriage is in trouble and I'm Anakin do anything to work on it I'm breaking one of God's most important laws and so that's a sinner and we're gonna confront that sin and we'll come back around on each of these we're gonna explore them more but we want to get the basics right up front and the third one then is what my spouse has sinned big time right and I don't know that he deserves being married to me any longer right this is the catastrophic crisis when the roof just caves in I found out my husband is looking at pornography and it's been a pattern I found out he's got an emotional affair going with someone at work or Susie that he knew back in junior high whatever or or he's got a full-blown affair or there's an alcohol problem a drug problem financial irresponsibility he's gambling he's wasted our money he he he's done something that or she's done something just outrageous it's extremely sinful and it's a massive crisis how to heal how to enter the system at that point get the sinner to repent and get into recovery and then heal from what has happened that's the challenge of that right way and I want to say you know every time you're voicing that he did this you're really saying he/she the spouse but it's fatiguing to always have to say he/she so you know unless it's specific to male behavior you're really trying to refer to both genders that could be in trouble right exactly and women are I hate to say this women are catching up in the cinema category well yeah either way that's it so you've got this 90-day plan what can a couple expect at of the book and the resources to help I mean really is it that simple ninety days it sounds like if I could be that bold you're gonna help me lose a little weight it's 90 days because I say it is it could take a hundred and eighty who knows it might but it's it after 30 years doing this I I have developed a plan but doing this now for 20 years this book comes over 20 years of of I know this works it's exactly what I do in my therapy so it's tested my couples thousands of red apples I don't work in theory I don't write a book I don't present a seminar until I know it works huh it works for sandy and I and we went through many of these steps the blonde denied writing a book honey help me out here can we just clarify the blonde is an affectionate term and she's good with it oh she loved you called the blonde well let's spend the rest of time right now talking about marriages where both spouses are unhappy but they're willing to work on it we'll go a little deeper with each of these how do you think these couples typically get where they're at what creates the roommate mentality and I think it's the nature of the beast it's just what marriage is like and it happened to the blonde sandy and I and we didn't even expect it to but it did so this is pretty normal it's very normal you're infatuated you're in love you get married then you start living to getting to find out just how hard it is massive adjustments annoying habits I can't believe she's like that sandy found out that I'm a slob she didn't know that because we weren't living together unbelievable world-class slob you thought she knew that about Dave Brown my roommate in college didn't care cuz he was a slob - I never got the the memo here so that was a big issue and then things are already starting to break down and we don't we don't know how to be intimate when you lose the rush the adrenaline the power of the infatuation you don't have anything left now we have to learn how to develop intimacy and when's ever taught us don't have a clue you're given often in the church and well-meaning people and they're wonderful and church is wonderful but you're you're given the the goal but you're not given the how to so yeah that's a good point man so that's why focus is here exactly think about that and you do a wonderful job no one else doesn't like focus and then you're already kind of on the edges and then you do the one thing guaranteed to kill your passion stone-cold dead you have a child you know what what were you thinking what are your mind then it's all about the baby I'm an hour Emily came our first it was just like catastrophic we just our lies were just came to a stop we got to keep her alive and then it was we gotta stay alive she's killing us she was yelling all the time she's very feisty she's a wonderful person but uh so that I don't know where she gets that you also give some advice in the book about this kind of marriage you suggest we take these marriages out back and shoot them what are you getting to what is that all about so most of my couples that and they're shocked out of their heads we're sitting there at the end of the first session I said look I gotta tell you this marriage is awful it's dead take it out back and shoot it we're done and they look at me like why are we here I thought you were I thought he was a Christian Betty Bob I say look your first marriage is over we're not going back to that one we're gonna read you we're gonna heal from what's happened but God's principles we're gonna put into place the brand-new marriage which is gonna take you the rest of the way so that's a little juxtaposition I use and it really seems to work no it's true okay to successfully build a stronger marriage you believe couples must strengthen their relationship with God I everybody that feels that way is now saying yes we're getting to the spiritual component that's so true that's foundational we would say what does that look like though in practice in practical terms what does it look like to strengthen your relationship with God when you're in this kind of marriage well here's the nuts and bolts I'm assuming it's a good assumption because I always ask couples when I see them yeah do you know Jesus Christ personally if not we're gonna do that like right now because without God's help you're not going to make it but then the second point is how how are you personally doing in your relationship with God through Jesus church attendance maybe a little little little lacks I'm not having a quiet time you're not close to God sir if you're not close to God or ma'am you know we can't do the steps in my book we're gonna have to we start with that let's get your faith back where it belongs when a Satan's most effective tools is using marital unhappiness to draw you away from God huh he's a master at it I don't wanna go to church were unhappy you know and we're just were just were just drift part and so we don't want to pray together everything falls apart but it's you and God that's the main thing so we start getting that back and most of the couple's on my office hang their head they know exactly what I'm talking about I don't get pushback they say you're right and the man will say I'm the leader which I should make sure we go to church you know let me ask you David if that's an interesting observation with the couples that come to you how many come to you that are struggling that do have a you know good healthy relationship with God they're reading the word regularly they're praying regularly maybe hopefully praying together regularly how many of those couples come in for help three percent three percent seriously thank you that it that's why it's in the book it's major-league I am not close to God it's only with God's power that I can love this opposite-sex person once I lose that connection I I you literally cannot do it you know that fits with national survey work that it's somewhere around one to three percent that the whole the whole country of Christians would say that if we're engaged with each other if we're healthy spiritually very few people have marital difficulty at the level that it's gonna tear it apart let me ask you this you believe the breakdown in most marriages is a breakdown in communication we see that here at focus it sounds so simple I was talking to Jean the other night and we were talking about how many generations do we have to go through you know when will we say oh it's communication because we've been talking about it for like 2,000 years yeah you know that we need to communicate better we need to love and respect each other why is this so hard to do if it's so obvious you know nobody knows how when you're dating and even early a marriage you think you know how you think you're having deep conversations in fact you are not because you don't know how every parent listening should should actually sit their kids down and there should be a crash course over the course of of years actually teaching them how to communicate with the opposite sex nobody does it because you don't think to do it well that'll just work out we worked it out they'll work it out no we need to have as part of premarital education in this country and the church can be involved in that very clear I'm gonna teach you how to communicate that's what I do with my premarital couples Wow thank you that just yeah huge they think they already know they don't know so that air of communication the book the 90-day program addresses that head-on another one and this I think is if not equal to maybe greater than because it starts everything else selfishness I mean I think dr. Clark the main reason God set it up this way why opposites attract I mean he's probably smiling a bit because he's moving us toward his character selflessness in marriage speak to that issue of how selfishness can destroy a marriage oh boy it works every time it's tried and it's tried every time and I think of my marriage specifically I was I have a wonderful mother Kathleen Clark so I'm sure she's listening to this I always give her a hard time it's always the mom's fault anyway hey wait a minute I'm sticking up for moms she was so loving and so gracious and and I think I was the baby it's great to be the baby and so I was spoiled I come into marriage everything had been taken care of now with a great kid don't get me wrong I was a great kid and I really was didn't get them to accept your really messy that's right mom didn't seem to care she shut the door I come into marriage with sandy oh my goodness the expectations there she a firstborn by chance no she's second boy but she reads more of a for a sport and she's a doer she's a mover a shaker she tells him what to do and I do it she's a rock but I came in totally on me but I thought that if if sandy just met all of my needs well of course I'd be happy and then if I'm happy she'd be happy a lot of guys feel that way well it was the dumbest thing in the world so I had to really revamp loving her we had some great conversation talk about communication she sat me down early in marriage and said look I'm doing everything here Dave her adela Seminary I'm doing the laundry I'm working full-time and I'm typing your I'm typing your your your papers late at night I would hand them to her and say would you type this and I'd go to bed oh my goodness nares daggers are flowing right after right now my goodness what kind of a husband was that terrible sandy said you're out of your mind and so I had I read that I started doing the laundry start doing the dishes when she cooked I got a part-time job because the burden was too much on her and I did my own dumb papers but more than that I had to learn how to love this beautiful blonde I had no idea and so I had to learn how to how to talk with her how to make time with her how to how to really meet her needs and have conversations it would be deep for her our first year was rough rough rough rough yes okay for the men that are listening let me ask this question what does a deep good conversation sound like I mean we're down to 101 buddy well youyou literally first you let your wife define that cuz a guy might think this was a great conversation about me fixing the car engine or whatever it might be the bottle tops are doing exactly you know but I don't think so so you let her you see if you've got the guts you sit down with your wife today and you say honey what is a deep conversation she'll laugh her head off are you kidding you've never asked that you probably faint but that she knows exactly what she wants here and you let her know enjoy you know what what she needs well we would talk about a topic and you would say this and I would say that and you'd ask me certain questions she knows is that a good question to start with it is what is a deep conversation with me what would that look like honey she knows the answer and your particular woman will be able to tell you and choreograph it and you'll say okay I'm gonna work on that so it's like a training exercise women I have a PhD in communication so we shouldn't be shocked by the speed in that reply when you ask that question you know my houses don't be upset it was so quick because she's been wanting to answer that question for a few years she has and that's male leadership you need to be asking her what are your needs and that's one of her key needs let's start working on this she will be beyond thrilled and then together yeah I mean she'll teach you how to communicate she absolutely will well and that's a beautiful picture of how it could work to is for the wife to maybe knock some of that edge off of her anger that he needs to be taught well I mean it's hard for us to say that we don't want to be taught about anything we could fix that and then we totally mess it up but even in this area to be taught you know so honey can you teach me how to be deep sure deeply intimate with he takes guts to ask that women tend to think he knows and he's holding out on me I don't know here's the secret he doesn't have a clue right he needs to be taught and if he's open to that you'll do it together like every area of your relationship parenting I mean in the bedroom the physical the spiritual you're gonna work together right and teach each other well again you mention it someone's gonna be working tear you apart the enemy and he's so successful David you mentioned writing a letter of responsibility to your spouse that sounds again a little intimidating as I read it yeah what does it mean I'm sitting with a couple this is this is second session we've established some of the foundational things as we've discussed and now we're gonna talk about and that the homework assignment is going to be and they bring it in the letter of responsibility this sounds bad sir it does but you know what I don't care I know that you know that and and I I explained it look you because they come in for a session it's all about the other person she met bad bad bad bad you wouldn't believe and then she goes back oh yeah well how about you bozo bap bap bap bap I say this is not helpful you're probably right in what your partner is doing wrong but it doesn't help you can't do anything about that so stop the rocks and the bottles I'm gonna have you look in the mirror very solidly pray over this and write actually write out the mistakes you've made in the marriage for next time you can hear a pin drop in the counseling session but you know what that's how we start that's how dr. Clarke starts that's how the Bible starts it starts with looking in the mirror the log in your eye take a look be very honest about mistakes regrets things you have to work on that's a and then B is what you're gonna do what you want to do to change those things mm-hmm couples that come in and and a lot of them try this because the resistance they'll come in and they haven't done the assignment I'm not gonna see them again this is a progressive series of steps I'm not mean about it well sometimes I am depending on if I've had my chai tea or not in the morning anyway so I will say no hi this is and that we're gonna cut this session short because you don't have the homework I have no other agenda here yeah and and you can go now and you're gonna pay me that nip sit in the bud that's good no another one that you talk about is focusing on your spouse's positive attributes that could be so hard and you know especially if you if you have a critical nature which I think all human beings do it's whether or not you let it out of the cage yeah and because it's so fleshly to be critical and you know that's again one of the things Jesus talked about is bite that tongue you know don't go there and how would we think about being less critical or not critical and more positive about our spouse how do we do that well it's a great question Jim when a marriage breaks down as you know it's all negative when they're sitting in front of me they're they're all negative the positivity is all gone that's how they started in their relationship with positivity so we bring that back and it has to be forced I say you're not gonna like hearing this you're not gonna want to do it we're not worried about your feelings you just have to do it faith in God faith in this process and hopefully love for your spouse it's gonna be developing comp we start with compliments I'll say this next week I want you to come up with a list of 14 very impressive and real compliments for your for your spouse physical physical attractiveness character what they do for you as spiritual qualities has to be a real list and then you're gonna dropped and in seven days to two compliments a day one in the morning one in the evening hmm that begin and it's it's the most awkward thing in the world they don't want to do it I can't think of anything positive don't come back to my office until you have thought of positives because they're there they're just totally buried right by your dysfunction and Satan's pushing them way out where to whack so when they start after that week things are starting to change gently because they said something that is true and it starts to connect them so we start with that yeah it's so true and it's so important it goes back to communication like you're saying let's end today talking about conflict which is you know again another all of these are so critical I keep saying this is important this is important but the lack of communication and dealing with conflict in a healthy way is what got a lot of couples to the point they're at now right the point that they need help what does healthy conflict look like and David you know this folks are gonna email us or contact us and say if you're Christian you shouldn't have any conflict address that - yeah those people have big problems there's nothing worse in my opinion I'll tell couples issed but in a couple that has no conflict why Oh Mike it sounds right though it sounds like a good thing and very christ-like that's not true Christ had a conflict with a lot of people and they killed him that was that was pretty conflictual and he always told the truth was got him in all kinds of trouble even though it was done with love yeah if you're avoiding you're avoiding what is actually going on so you're baring things absolutely right and that's keeping you far apart and so those kind of couples if I'm avoiding all these issues that are really bothering me I'm not talking about a lot of things I should be talking about and so you pull way apart you're gonna have conflict you actually want to have complete it's built into God's system and if you handle it the right way there's all kinds of passion in conflict working it through finding out things about your partner you never knew closeness results the making up is sweet the whole thing works can I ask you about that because so often we've had marriage experts on the program and one of the things especially couples that have gone through horrific marital strife maybe infidelity what-have-you but they work through it without exception what I hear from them is that our marriage is more intimate now in every way emotionally physically everything why is that when you go through such a valley if you can love each other again truly love each other you seem to have the best marriage that you've ever had I tell you what happens initially and most importantly you see God working in your life oh my goodness look what God has done it's with his power we've gotten through this he gets all the glory we couldn't do it on our own so there's a reconnection to him but also as you were it's like being in a war zone together these guys that have been to war guys and girls that have been to war together those are those are bonds that never lessen and over the course of a lifetime because you've been through this together and I got your back and when I tell couples it's we have to heal from this Anna might have the seal from the hill from the problems but in the process you get reconnected because you're talking about very deep personal things you've never talked about for years if you can talk about it then you really get connected on a deep level and so I would I would second that totally you I tell couples you're gonna be so much better than you ever were once we've gone through this battle and what you're saying is it almost creates the synopsis it connects the couple the way they should have been connected from the beginning right isn't that an irony and they figure out we were never connected no couple has ever connected on a deep level when they get married there you can't be you literally cannot be so once you've worked through problems together and even serious problems that's what connects you that's God's plan well that's good David man we have flown through this but we're not done we've covered topic 1 you know when the couple is unhappy but willing to work toward it we still got to come back to the one spouse not being willing and kind of dig into that and then finally when the the big sins occur whatever that might be infidelity or abuse or where there's something happening that needs more serious contemplation maybe separation those kinds of things let's come back next time and cover that can you stick with us I'm not going anywhere okay good let's do it hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well you

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 115,831

Keywords: Focus on the Family, marriage, marriage help, marriage advice, divorce, hope, hope restored, david clarke, saving marriage, don't divorce, unhappy broken marriage

Id: wR31zTCIJh4

Length: 25min 34sec (1534 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 08 2019