Bob Newhart Carson Tonight Show 18/5-1983

godspeed oh okay Lois Ryan Lois Ryan she's in the old-age home isn't she now my first guest is a good friend I still think he was rooting for me on the Montauk he says I'm really rooting to see how they're gonna be um he's got where the better shows on television this year as his first show was some years ago the series is called Newhart clever title dreamed up by the people and it's on Monday nights at 9:30 I wish was I was Lucia Bush was on I wish it was on here this network but it's not but he is now would you welcome and make him feel welcome let's meet and greet Bob Newhart you see I don't lie austero during the mom I just happen to mention last thing I say this like hit it through the curtains right well I have seen shows where her monologue didn't go all that well and I felt a certain testiness crept into your right your attitude toward the rest of the evening so I kind of mulling there's a monologue so if the monologue sets in you know that everything is gonna work okay for me yeah see I figured I had figured that with Tony Quinn on the show I figured Tony would come out first cuz he's the bigger star and so well thank you right on cue thank you a little plant never thank you mom that's the old truck sure but then I there would be like a buffer between the monologue and myself but then I found out just before you coming out that I was coming out immediately following the model monologue and well actually did it work for very nice and well if you have a lovely audience yes you bring that old cheap trick now but in alright audience before I really get going here know you can tell I as you know I've guessed I assume you know I guest-hosted the show first I know what do you mean I don't know I don't know what's your Huff if you check with people whose honor and I watch when you've guest hosted and I've seen you come out sometime that's right a nice material well I've come out and not the hottest audience in the world where the applause died out before you reach the star spot you've gotta walk that extra clean you know by you know you're in trouble yeah but this is a hot water out their hot tub I'm not carrying favored no I understand that I'm also not here to plug anything I mean there's not crass commercialism that brings me all right just I enjoy talking to you and I know you do I'd rather talk at home but this is a the only cute place anyone can talk to you so I have I'm nothing to plug I have absolutely nothing to plug I don't have a welder Oh No nothing coming into hotel - no no we don't do much of that anymore because the show takes all your time right well it takes a lot of the time yeah I still I travel on the road I mean I still do one-nighters you're right that kind of thing but nothing to plug not really not J because Johnny Quinn ready I always assumed you were Irish People magazine had an article recently said you were one-quarter Journal I'm gone three quarters Irish one quarter German I didn't know it which makes me I have the German name during the war we we called ourselves outstations Alsatians the Alsatian family yeah but we were never thought as an but I'm actually three-quarters Irish which makes me a very meticulous drunk the Germans say German I don't know of any German comedians because the German German people most a lot of German people do not have a sense of humor you know they're not known thing for us probably basically yeah there are very literal people right there someone once said that more funny things are said at a cocktail party in Paris than in the entire year in Germany there but they're very literal you know and they don't they don't understand Americans because we're not literal we're like a German would say why why would you call this men curly he has no hair at all yeah why would you call someone curly who has no hair that's doesn't make sense it's not funny then tiny is at least 350 yeah yeah dick cavett was telling me he appeared on a German television show once and it was horrendous because he would try to say something amusing and then the guy in Germany would say it's just a conclusion so forth and that people chest and because it was probably some play on words or something and then absolutely nothing well they even won like the Volkswagen you I got the feeling when they made it you know they say this is one of the finest cars it's a very economical car and you say well what are the little holes in the inside for this there's ventilation that's for ventilation you might put a machine gun in there and the sunroof and when it opens up you take a it serves two purposes in case in case did you ever play in front of her you've never played in German you know I would have no reason to I mean he sees no that's true but singers you see can go and sing all over the world even if they don't understand it enjoy the music but I would think trying to entertain in another country where they didn't really know you would be very difficult yeah III think that you work England haven't you you have a day speak English I'm aware of that was the point you were trying to make was going to a foreign country and where they would speak I think I think the points we're trying on oh no oh I'm sorry England is still a foreign country yes oh they do speak English sir course what no the point is the cultural things inning la oh i sister anna speech patterns rhythms and so forth are different they're true even though it is a foreign country in history you could refer I refer to I guess somebody coming as a foreigner sure have you ever have you ever worked in England huh yes yes okay now my next question is because if they didn't give me this job because I don't know ask questions see why so many guys have dropped along the way that's right they don't know how to ask questions in any kind of sequence that's licensed I see very penetrating and that's an audition as you have for this hmm so my next logical question be how did you do there very well but I mean even if I didn't do very well I'm not going to say I didn't do why would you want to blab that around yeah that's right I'll tell you where I stumble yup I didn't do well right huh in Australia I did very poorly now they speak English they're also get it yes they do that's another of what we call the english-speaking country do you think was because it's a big island but maybe you did of course out of that he completed written is a big island too you know so I don't think Island had anything to do with I just we picked the wrong time is they roll something across the ceiling just is upstairs I just heard something running because I remember years ago when you were here we had the earthquake yeah you're a building start to rumble them anyway you played Australia played Australia didn't really do all that well that I showed up with first of all it's a 22-hour flight ration which I'm not all that crazy about and we arrived and I was going down and rehearse and I is my custom I went to the maitre d and I said how many people do we have tonight and he said we have 14 just 14 people and so I figured well maybe Monday is a bad night in Australia and so I said how many do we have tomorrow and he said we have tomorrow let me see we have nine and I said well how many for Wednesday and he said we we don't have anything and it was awful an engineered but you still went out and I am I had to I mean that Ginny was the sword from the flight so she went we happen to be the hotel happen to be in the are in our district of Sydney right where the during the Vietnamese war the soldiers oo-ahh she would come to this area and again they didn't know when they went back whether they would you know ever be around again so they they tended to be rowdy I think a lot of nude places and things like that live nude on stage kind of has so Jenny looked up in the phone book and went to a massage parlor and she went in and the girl was giving a massage and and the girl said I might be into rough and Jenny said no that's fine she said well you know you're the first woman I've ever done so she had wanted him to one of those toll massage parlors yet heard men laughing on either side of her yes Oh Minnie would do homie Jenny picture the shitty thought she's probably taking a nap your wife seems to be prone to take naps remember I joke about that's right you did yeah she probably thought it was just a rest up or something just did this was going so damn here to me there's somewhere I think we lost some yeah at England yeah that seemed and you brought up Australia that's right that's right I was trying to save you that's what we're here for uh we're gonna take a break here and we're going to come back I would have put Connie food also on that same article People magazine it said that you remembered almost word-for-word the worst route to Europe worst routine you ever did which is unusual because people say we we usually remember the the better things in tend to forget things it but don't you don't you remember though yes yeah for some reason you remember something that just didn't work at all oh boy I it works out pretty much I would say five to one I mean for every one that works the there five that for that don't Ryan not I did a routine on a guy who went to and it may work now because the Star Wars and all that that was this early in your career no it was um yeah it was earlier I mean really I don't mean just when you're starting but would then say the first ten years yeah I would say okay what was the I didn't know this was a quiz I thought no no no sure this is it okay okay it really doesn't matter how early or how late in my career this happened I just it died I shouldn't have in a refugee I know I did but it was a thing huh on a guy going to like Venus or Mars you know the first civilian and he then comes back and he's being interviewed on on his impressions of Venus or Mars and he goes to Mars and they ask him are they more advanced than we are and he said yes I would have to say they're they're more advanced and the interviewer says how god bless you yeah the energy whoo the interview says how far advanced are they and he says I would say six weeks six six seven weeks off because I remembered when I was when I was up there they had the the double-edged blades and then when I returned it was like six seven weeks before we had the double-edged blades and that was one that dies I think so too you know when you sit six or seven weeks the audience just sit there waiting just stared it also went on from there it got worse it they said well how would you describe the the Martian people he said wide Martian they're very small people by the way said they're very small and and they only have one year and and the guy came up to me where the cocktail party and he asked me could I loan him five dollars like so I'd loan him five dollars and I ran into him two weeks later at the same cocktail party like avoided me you know and I went in to put my coat down on the bed you know when he was there and he like avoided me so I would say Martians are cheap you know it's happening all over again how long did you pursue that of the TV that it out as long as that I've done this what is the old story about the fellow who goes to Mars and says the women were different physically remember that you know is how are they different he says they look pretty much like women on earth except the bust the breasts are on on the back I fella says I'm sorry that's really terrible he said well it's great for dancing I would have put it in give knowing that you gonna put that in attic in the coats six weeks of mines on the cheap stuff yeah what commercial time right okay it's commercial time is it yes look I got right back stay where you are

Channel: Archy L

Views: 890,441

Rating: 4.6901588 out of 5

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Id: qUB3zLtPcgI

Length: 14min 38sec (878 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 07 2016