The Very Best Of - Comedian Steven Wright

driving on the street past a gas station there are two signs in the window Help Wanted self-service so I went in hard right off so I get out of the bed I figured I'd go for a walk she said how long I'm gonna be gone he said the whole time when I was out in the middle of the desert a UFO landed three one inch tall guys get out they walked over to me he said are you really one inch tall they said no we're really very far away I remember the day the candle shop burned down everybody just stood around and saying happy birthday so I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seatbelt and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal and the wings are knocking people over and then I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman and I headed for the highway and began hitching within three minutes I got picked up me one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars flying up the side of the cab and he opened the door and the guy said I didn't have much room in here when you get in one of the cars in back so I did he's really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more we all had our own cars let me 190 miles an hour y'all got speeding zingers I was cesarean born can't really tell although whenever I leave a house I go out through the window I had a dream I had a dream had been a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up they were man I remember when I was seven my grandmother said Stephen come over here I said what do you mean she said you know you're over there and he'll come over here I said all right and she said here's $10 and don't tell your mother that I'm giving this to you and I said it'll cost you more than that I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever he brings everything because he's not sure what I throw one time right in the middle of a job interview I took out a book and I started reading the guy says what the hell are you doing so let me ask you one question if you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light and then you turn your lights on would they do anything he said I don't know I should forget then I don't want to work for my theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted was five-years-old watching TV only you can prevent forest fires Oh No every night out the window with a bucket of water the ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays helter skelter and comments we're driving in a cab where we cost me ninety five girls I've been arrested several times they can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand she swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God yes you are ugly woman in the jury I'd really like to sleep with her should I keep going and ask me questions she shoot a mime should you use a silencer my grandmother was also saying she had pierced hearing aids unscented perfume can you lick debug I tried to hang myself with bungee cord kept almost dying and then I went into a store and I tried to buy something to put underneath the coasters my uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car I'm going to court next week I've been selected for jury duty it's kind of an insane case six thousand ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant I don't think they did it I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything my favorite chairs a wicker chairs my favorite chair because I stole it is it a parody right tragic irony when no one was looking I when I was doing I unravel tea I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add I bought this thing from my car you put it on your car it sends out this little noise and when you drive through the woods deer won't run in front of your car I installed it backwards by accident driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping I thought to myself you know now is the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints I was driving down a street a hundred miles an hour for no reason the police stopped me for speeding they said why are we going so fast I said why and my foot to the floor sentence more gas through the carburetor makes the engine go faster Oh car just takes off like that I said see this right here see this this steer is it yeah it's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it so I'm laying there and she says to me let me ask you this and I said what and she said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know I said no she said forget it then every morning I got me make instant coffee and I drink it's all enough energy to make the regular coffee thinking about my grandfather and how he had a special rocking chair built that weight forward rather than backwards so he could fake interest in any conversation woke up as far as folding my dad back into a couch on broke off Blair was a shy one in those kind of glass but a cordless extension cord once I went through a stop sign they stopped me they said why he goes through the sign I said hey I don't believe everything I read doesn't matter what temperature room is it's always room temperature I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight people live above me at furious some planning trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you to laying would you put the album on you put headphones on you learn the language while you're sleeping turn the night the reckon skipped I get up the next day I could only stutter in Spanish I have an air conditioner in the window in my house last summer I turned around the other way I turned it up full blast and it got cold out watch the weather that night they said it was supposed to be warm I don't understand and I was like this

Channel: Irish man videos

Views: 4,023,428

Rating: 4.8154502 out of 5

Keywords: Steven Wright (Comedian), Comedian (Profession), Comedy, Funny, Humor, Very, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Humour (Literary Genre), Best, theirishmani12, steven, rifgt, one liners, jokes, comedy, Comedy (TV Genre), the, very, best, of

Id: Z9ciHpT4WuM

Length: 10min 25sec (625 seconds)

Published: Sat May 10 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/ADickFullOfAsses]

Last night I played a blank tape on full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

[u/[deleted]]

For those that don't know this is the dude that sleeps on the couch in half-baked.

[u/cantseegottapee]

Steven Wright is an advisor for louie ck on his show, and basically anything louie does nowadays. He is a Boston legend and pretty much every comic in the business respects the shit outa this guy, rightfully so.

[u/Tasitch]

Stephen Wright was one of my favorite comedians. Master of surrealism.

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

[u/brallipop]

One day I came home. Everything in my apartment had been replaced with an exact replica. The couch, the food, the toilet, everything. I turned to my friend and said look everything has been replaced with an exact replica! He said, "Do I know you?"

[u/overstable]

You should also check out Dan Mintz (mostly known as the voice of Tina on Bob's Burgers).
This David Letterman set is pretty clean compared to his 'The Stranger' album.

[u/Ping_and_Beers]

Me and my brother used to have one of Stevens audio cassettes back in the day that we would listen to constantly. Love this guy. Snakes have no arms that's why they can't wear vests.

[u/mpelleg459]

My dad has a framed signed headshot of Steven Wright that just says "Hello forever!"

[u/Quote_The_Simpsons]

"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. It turns out the zebra did it."