Billy Crystal's Opening Monologue: 1993 Oscars

I'm Sonic boy I hope he doesn't Park that in Roseanne and Tom spot boy I have to tell you I'm so glad the entrance is over because I've been under such pressures you can imagine that everyone's been talking about how's he coming out how's he come out I know he's coming out he's coming out like this everybody wanted me to come out like them because I thought it was good luck two good men said come out like a marine you know get like Jack and a tight close-up you can't handle the truth then people said come out like Clint and then The Crying Game said you know just come out so I'm here so here we are actually the most nervous people in the audience have got to be the producers of The Crying Game who are looking at me now and going don't say a word I'll be good for a while I will not reveal the secret of that great movie but I have to say for me that big scene proved one thing white men can jump boy talk about a stocking stuffer I'll tell you that right now but this is this is the 65th Academy Awards I'm delighted to be here I almost did not show I have to tell you I tried to pull out last week but I had this oral agreement and they helped me too tonight is a night where we honor people for individual achievement and also for bodies of work and looking at this crowd some of your bodies have had a lot of work I can't believe it but the theme tonight is women in film and ironically 1992 has been a very poor year for women's parts in fact some of the most talked-about women's parts are Sharon Stone's and Basic Instinct it's not been a great year for women in film I asked him Basinger she'll give you 9 million reasons why it's not been a great I wouldn't want to live in the town - Chee owns I'll tell you that there's gonna be a tax hike oh one minute you're a movie star the next to the Sheriff of Nottingham you know what I'm saying but it has been a great year for all kinds of movies this year big Hollywood extravaganzas like a few good men the J Edgar Hoover story talked about a best-kept secret I'm telling it Hoover was the master of disguise really for seven years he was on The Andy Griffith Show as aunt bee gotta admire him not only did he catch Dillinger he was the lady in red this is interesting thing and then there were smaller personal movies like a river runs through it lovely film two hours of fly-fishing I love the movie I had trouble relating to it because in my family the closest we get to fly-fishing is pass the locks also animated movies Aladdin was an enormous hit it made almost as much money as Michael Eisner did Disney now working on a new animated film the animated Amy Fisher story beauty and the middle-aged Beast so and now they bought a hockey team Disney has bought a hockey team at Disney hockey team used to be the only Disney on ice was Walt I mean what is this man oh come on that's why we're black for that joke and this is also the year the independent film the British Invasion Howards End nine nominations might made but of course by the talented Merchant Ivory team will do with these great period classics such as room with a view nine nominations and now I think to their credit they won't do something more contemporary so they're gonna make a movie with Spike Lee yeah it's gonna be called Howard's Beach it's good job we also had a lot of controversy this year the first time a nomination has been disallowed the Uruguayan film a place in the world was disqualified in the Foreign Language Film category apparently what happened was the South American director hired an American nanny and and use it but the thrill for me is as your host tonight and for the pastor you just look at Ana swords and see all of these great stars this is what it's all about Clint Eastwood who are you nine nominations Unforgiven I'm a big fan you know that plane of course played that ruthless character and you know that he used those same tactics when he cleaned up that lawless renegade town of Carmel California when he was the mayor there there was dodge tombstone and Carmel it was Clint Eastwood who instituted the know creme brulee after 10:00 p.m. ordinance it's true only Clint Eastwood could stare at local resident and burr under the saddle Darst a looker right in the eyes and say curb those dogs but the best love to see Jack right in the front row man I love it all right now look at it I love you like this huh it's sort of Armani meets Jiminy Cricket I love it I mean it I love Jackie sitting like this smile at me I feel like a Laker girl it's unbelievable but Jack the glasses man you're indoors the dark glasses you're indoors you know why you need it you're such a big star your own luster gets in your eyes that's how big you are man you should have a number three on the back of your tux you're Babe Ruth to me I mean see now once the nominations come out Jack this is Jack's tenth nomination it ties him with Sir Laurence Olivier and they David handbag now once the nominations are announced the campaigning goes on people want your vote people want you to see them will we see the cassettes these are some of the things that you get people at home you get all of these things look at what I got this is from the producers of Woody Allen screenplay husbands and wives they sent this to me so I thought this was interesting distance cassette and then we see it again sees its thing - did it on 60 minutes it's ok to do it here then a league of their own the story of the women's baseball team was wanted you to notice Madonna's performance in that so they sent from the movie her bustier and cup which I thought was interesting it was for Best Supporting Actress and and a personal favorite of mine Al Pacino nominated for two awards best actor and Best Supporting layout I wasn't at all surprised with the two nominations cuz look when he sent me this thing here I got this thing here this is heavy okay hi and you all know Salman Rushdie you know everybody's dressing up you know every year for the past four years I've I poke a little fun at the academy and I've done a funny medley of opening numbers sort of poking fun at the traditional what I felt were kind of strange opening numbers that we've had to endure over the past few years and the Academy kind of got upset with me for making fun of their opening numbers where I take the nominated songs and put them into one medley so tonight unfortunately there will be no medley tonight no all right tonight you will not hear me sing the whole night Roz Roz who will win the nominees the best picture are geom tango across the floor watch him drink and hear him roar he's shrunk he's blind and yet he drives - how the hell is he still alive w holdin me and who won't say it again tonight - say now you may not lose it is the Oscar you can't trip you you got the Perkins felon always yelling nephew choke and cigar smoking skirt-chasing booze tapes and family members chick sniffing blue and I'm just getting started hooray for Howard ten I really hope this picture starts a trend a picture with no lot of perspiration just conversation no cycle weights round the bend and not an ounce of smarts and ankle Howard's but they call it Howard ran now listen up every time I say something to you you will repeat it back to me are we clear I don't know but I've been told your big name three movie gold to me and Tom put you in the Black Hawk your house and get me Jack I hope you good man to celebrate the old house it directly not nominated nominations don't figure Rob no more just watch for you Jack you see a pair of flash and I your hand starts creeping up her thighs you're hurried to a spot your heart the trot board is named those eyes those thighs surprise its The Crying Game one more time though I know spiced rum ride it's the crying games I didn't order that Unforgiven that's what you are you killed everyone cause you're the star to make a big mare you you directed and produce with the long way from singing I talk to the trees may I be the last to say tonight may make your day forgiving for our $0.10 of a woman the crying games are a few good men that's the list of all five nominees now before I slide down on my knees mr. Saturday night I just wanted to see how it would feel so sue me may I have oh give me the envelope I go

Channel: Oscars

Views: 2,706,649

Keywords: Oscars, 65th, Academy, Awards, Billy, Crystal, opening, monologue, number, music, song, and, dance

Id: CF6fpn8Ts68

Length: 13min 32sec (812 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 02 2011