Chris Rock's Opening Monologue - 77th Annual Academy Awards (2005)

now please welcome our host for this evening Chris all right welcome to the 57th and the last Academy Award tonight we have like four black nominees tonight so cray kind of like the depth Oscar Jam tonight remember you are a kitten every movie was incredible every movie was magic or they were all great then you grow up and you want some of those same movies and you're like Rocky five I love yes you know I love the Oscars because the Oscars are the only show the only awards show with the people getting awards don't perform that's right there's no acting at the Oscars none at all you go to the Grammys then sing it you go to Tony Awards they singing and dancing you got a salsa bar they sing and dance to this shooting okay there's no action at the Oscars at all can I get a little action just to be a not to fear Morgan Freeman do a shampoo commercial something right but the only act did you ever see at the Oscars and when people act like they're not mad they lost but I've got the one year when our Halle Berry won the Oscar Nicole Kidman was smiling so wise she should've won an Emmy after Oscars for her great performance I like if the dude is done that in the movie you want to ask a girl but I love the movies I love all the movies I love the good ones and the bad ones okay yeah I see a movie so bad that you question the actors finances all right I saw this movie boat trip down today and I immediately think Cuba Gooding a check for $80 now finger why don't some movies work well because the studio's make them too fast okay if you can't get a star wait just wait and they like to say oh there's a hundred stars out tonight notice not it only for real stars the rest are just popular people okay I could is would the star that's the star okay okay Tobey Maguire's just a boy in tights okay okay you can't get a star wait if you want Tom Cruise and all you could get his Jude Law wait not the same thing okay Louis jhula wife in every movie I have seen the last four years he's in everything even the movie and he's not acting in if you look at the credits he made cupcakes of zombies in every fit he's gay straight he's American he's British next year he's playing Kareem abdul-jabbar in the movie if you can't get a star wait okay if you want Russell Crowe and all you can get is Colin Farrell wait not the same thing okay Alexander's not gladiator okay Ja Rule's not to pluck you got that I love Russell Crowe Russell Crowe Sammy's one of the greatest actors in the world okay I think all period pieces should start Russell Crowe everything if you're doing a movie about the past you better to get Russell's ass okay I don't care you making a movie about three weeks ago you need to get Russell Crowe cuz Russell will do the research about three weeks ago he'll cut is here like three weeks ago he will walk like three weeks ago he will talk like three weeks ago and you close your eyes and you listen go that sound like three weeks ago if you can't get a star wait okay if you want Denzel and all you can get is me wait okay get Denzel define actor okay he would never make Pootie Tang you got that I'm a foodie take you look good and fit me a check for $80 now this year in Hollywood some of the most controversial movies no one wanted to make men some of the best movies of the year nobody wanted to make you know one of my favorite movies this year was a Fahrenheit 9/11 Fahrenheit 9/11 was beautiful right yep Michael boy did not get nominated for it out okay right now my clothes cause I should have just made supersize me I've done the research okay hey uh you know a lot of people like the bass Bush I'm not gonna bass push you tonight I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 I think Bush is a genius I said Bush did some things this year you nobody in this room could do nobody in this room could pull off okay cuz what's basically reapplied for his job this year now could you imagine applying for a job and while you're applying for that job as a movie in every theater in the country that shows how much you suck at that job it'd be hard to get hired wouldn't it so I watched Fahrenheit I learned some stuff man and Bush did some things you could never get away with that your job bad never ever you know what Bush got in the office they had a surpluses money not is like a 70 trillion dollar deficit so just imagine who worked at the gas you closing out your register and then seven if trillion dollars short the average person will get in trouble for something like that back numbers no Betty started a law that's cool support the troops he started a war that's just imagine you work that to get your seven is Chileans behind on your register and did you start a wall of a banana republic cuz you say they got plastic tank tops over there you have the war people have dying a thousand gap employees a dead that's right bleeding all over the khakis you finally take over fine annual public here finals they never made tank tops in the first place ah man another movie another movie nobody wanted to make this year another movie nobody wants to make was a big religious movie Passion of the Christ that's right taxes of Christ I saw Passion of the Christ not that funny but nobody wanted to make passion of the christ' bed come on they base six police academies it can't make one passion of the christ' they have no problem making Hellboy but made fashion of the Christ that means Jude Law it's too long to get in the class easier than Mel Gibson and Jesus but at least there's one thing you know I can relate cuz you know a lot of Jewish people were offended by Passion of Christ a lot of Juris people were mad about patching the cut and I could relate cuz I had to deal with a movie called soul playing this year I will trade you passion to the price for soleplate any day of the week okay see at least they make movies to white people to enjoy real movies with plots with actors not rappers with real names like like like you know like no catch me if you can you know like Saving Private Ryan black movies don't have real names to get names like barbershop that's not a name that's just a location barbershop cookout carwash they've been making the same new week for 40 years that's right you know larger Matt's coming soon and after that check Josh the place all right before we start the shyness when it spins them love out to all our troops fighting all over the world but freedom right now farts presenter as of Academy award-winner parole the monsters balls it will next be seen in the eagerly awaited Catwoman - give it up for Halle Berry

Channel: James Johnson

Views: 3,123,268

Keywords: Jude Law, Sean Penn, Academy Awards, Chris Rock, comedy, monologue, 2005, Hollywood, Oscars, awards show

Id: caObUaz7oOc

Length: 9min 24sec (564 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 14 2016