Billy Crystal's Opening Monologue: 2004 Oscars

thank you thank you so much you got to take a hit off of this and just pass it around this is Jack's personal Oscar buzz so I wanted to thank you for giving me this good evening everybody I'm delighted to be here I'm Billy Crystal I'll be your master and commanded tonight and and well into tomorrow so let's get going gentlemen start your egos yes wonderful night Ross asked Ross who will win yes here we are the 76th Oscars and he's still gold his hip is titanium but he's still gold tonight will beam broadcast in 53 languages and that's just for Los Angeles alone and for the very very first time we're being simulcast in Aramaic we have wonderful stories tonight a lot of first-time nominees I want you all to know well your first time is it is customary to tip the host first-timers Shelly's the run man Charlie's miss Theron you look absolutely beautiful but in that movie you scared the bejesus out of Mel Gibson I can't believe that you was that scary in that person look at this this is not possible Mel Gibson's movie unbelievable hit 117 million dollars open on Ash Wednesday had a good Friday a better Saturday and Sunday unbelievable another first-timer Keisha Castle Hughes just 13 years old there you are 13 you're too young to have three names I first hosted the show 13 years ago things were so different then you know different it was Bush was president the economy was tanking and we just finished a war with Iraq isn't that amazing unbelievable 13 years ago there's Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive did I just say that out loud of course Johnny's nominated for playing Jack Valente's worst nightmare a slightly gay pirate this was a year of great small movies like City of God an American Splendor now we had the big guy Seabiscuit and Lord of the Rings with 11 nominations yes 11 11 nominations one for each ending and let me tell you something else for then of course this Mystic River movie about grief murder rage or Sean Penn calls it a light-hearted feel-good romp Mystic River that missed it as dark and murky as mom's chopped liver Mystic River it just keeps rolling along there's our shooting and there's of eating it's like a Disney and Eisner meeting but old man Eastwood it just keeps rolling along all Clint you've made hits you don't make slop you perform with monkeys and Sondra Locke do you produce you write the score you sang and paint your wagon please don't sing we add Leary texting of try and most men your age arrive the dead or dying but not ladies would you just keep rolling hi Tim Iceland good to see you hello look at this everybody from Hollywood is here wait this is like the Canadian Oscars another great movement is here was lost in translation this is yes a lovely movie this is governor Schwarzenegger's favorite film directed by Sofia Coppola the first American woman ever nominated for Best Director she made this movie in 27 days took Francis that long to wake up Brando and he welcome up with three little words key lime pie three nominations and she's being very humble about it saying it's just great to be nominated but I don't think that's true you gotta date Peter Jackson woke up with seed biscuits head in his bed Sophie huh I just sort of film hi Sophie the credits made me cheer Scarlett Johansson's rear Thank You Sophia I just love that film by Sophie ha Bill Murray showed us rain to hell with all these a toast Oh Sophia now you're here and your Oscar finery while your dad stop and grapes at the winery Sophia yes Hosler may call out Sophie Julie Andrews I apologize in advance hobbits with feet big and hairy and smelly more epic battles than guests in Minnelli he Anand Viggo with Queen and some kings this is the gang and the Lord of the Rings Frodo and Sam on a mystical planet than Smeagol pops out like the right boob of Janet Britney and JMO brought both of their flings they thought it was called the return of the Rings lithium sake some pills and peyote moonshinin ritalin from truman capote j.r.r tolkien was taking these things who when he conceived of the Lord of the Rings Peter Jackson made his trio he sure got it right I loved every frame with a lot of the Rings so I downloaded last night see biscuits he's of course the horse Oscar may go to or else she's glue got nice brisket Willie win Oh will he lose by unknown let's ask Pete roll course only know Oh hero the watch is no wylie grow all the bookies y'all my just got off his toe oh boy you gotta have a little prick Sal with me the boat is a Russell Crowe it's his damn ship so don't give him lip or he'll punch you in the nose his master and commander Darcy bloom once he got me out there on the far side of the world samms unfurl I just curled he may get you out there when a war in solve the French and there ain't no wedge but don't cry boys next Fort San Francisco hey Oscar man is time to start the game Djimon Hounsou showed up on - luo they can run out your name get a 1cu we choose to cheer these best male licks and so shut off your damn cell phones bring out the drum and big taco was Austin hey r7e Rabbitohs up was opposite oh yeah you

Channel: Oscars

Views: 2,014,959

Keywords: Oscars, 70th, Academy, Awards, Billy, Crystal, opening, monologue, number, music, song, and, dance

Id: vZEbwDyUe3Y

Length: 10min 55sec (655 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 19 2011