Billy Crystal's Opening Monologue: 1992 Oscars

well welcome to the Oscars or as it's known tonight Cape Fear tonight we are here to celebrate the movies going to the movies and what it doing I won't go to movies hey let's go to the movies the movies the only place in the world we can get real imitation butter remember when there are movie palaces when you go to the movie theater and see one big movie now it's all multiplex and quadruplex the quadruplex is you see one movie but you're here for but tonight there's a lot of excitement in this room because it is the Oscars but we have a lot of unusual twists and turns and edit elements that's going to make this evening very special tonight we also have the first cartoon ever nominated not counting Dan Quayle it's as far as I'm talking about Beauty and the Beast and not everybody was happy about the nomination Fievel did not take it well took an eraser to his wrists and Oh d-don't some wite-out but he's okay check himself into the Betty Boop Clinic and I think he's going to be okay we also have the youngest writer director ever nominated John Singleton John of course directed and wrote boys in the hood the David Duke story and also this is the air that two people went on a mad spree across the country shooting from the hip creating havoc acting irresponsibly getting in trouble with the law with little regard for right or wrong but Jerry Brown and Bill Clinton couldn't be here tonight an Oliver Stone could win his third Best Director award some say he's paranoid but his next movie is entitled the men who shot Liberty valance and how about Bugsy Bugsy gets ten nominations and go ahead ten nominations go and when odd twisters Ben Kingsley who's nominated for Best Supporting Actor he won the Best Actor Oscar of course for Gandhi and nominated for now playing Meyer Lansky it's great to say think about it's interesting Gandhi and Lansky two men with a vision and neither ate pork it's sudden I love this band travel with me and of course it was a big year for hit star Warren Beatty in an unusual year first he did press and then he became a father then he got married and today is his birthday and I remember when people just used to take out trade ads and business was great despite you want to think ahead think think and business was great despite a terrible recession that's hit everybody take a great studio like Orion a few years back Orion released platoon it wins Best Picture Amadeus Best Picture last year they released Dances with Wolves it wins Best Picture this year Silence of the Lambs nominated for Best Picture and they can't afford to have another hit but there's good news and bad news the good news is Orion was just purchased and the bad news is it was bought by the House of Representatives the first movie is a sequel to backdraft is called overdraft and who talked about other people's money now I know what you're saying you're saying to yourself looking at me he's any taller no you're saying in the back I'm not Joel gray what I know what you're saying you're saying where's that production number we haven't had an opening production of we had a wonderful piece of film but where's that traditional Oscar number well folks we don't have one tonight usually I well good night you know that's the traditional medley with all the names of the nominated pictures all put into one kind of crummy kinda song well relax you won't hear one tonight tonight you will not hear ask Russ who will win the nominee is the best picture our here's a beauty who's read most everything from Julia Phillips to Stephen King the pista used to be a prince his hair could use a comb and rinse what a crazy pair but damn just movable painting from Dizzy's mom they laugh like us they walk like us sometimes even talk like us it could make you saw such actors are out of a job The Silence of the Lambs when they are gone a booyah base of cheeks and necks and all look inside my pots Vladdy and see a guy who looks a lot like Chef Boyardee back much money to buy Oh buzz buzz buzz II don't ride that mega scam wasn't Freddie don't feel so bad it could have been Atlantic City buzz buzz buzz II they don't call me buddy my name is Benjamin you can call me Benny to do call me Benjamin you can call me mr. thigo you can call me a cab but just doesn't have to call me money I'll kill you buzz buzz buzz II don't cry the nomination Hey three shots in the plaza whodunnit mr. stone this CIA or Homer Simpson the FBI or Vic Damone just who were the villain the Mafia or PTA Connie Chung or Connie Francis everyone's in JFK Mel Torme today Doris Day JFK don't tell me not to make this film up a - if someone takes a flop it's me and not you I've simply got to make the film the prince of time I'll bring this book to the screen guess who will play The Winston I'll tell Nick Nolte stand there tight on my legs mouth and half $7 on the shelf did this film directed self a mr. Oscar here this little gold guy is going away let me Silence of the Lambs Oh JFK Oh Monty prince of time beast and ride votes are in

Channel: Oscars

Views: 825,700

Keywords: Oscars, 64th, Academy, Awards, Billy, Crystal, hosts, opening, monologue, funny, song

Id: UCAi1744Sa0

Length: 9min 4sec (544 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 28 2011