Steve Martin's Opening Monologue: 2003 Oscars

ah the Kodak Theatre at Hollywood and Highland welcome to the 75th Academy Awards ladies and gentlemen your host for this evening Steve Martin well I'm glad they cut back on all the glitz you probably noticed there was no fancy red carpet tonight that'll send them a message by the way the proceeds from tonight's Oscar telecast and I think this is so great will be divvied up amongst now I am so excited to be back I didn't host the show last year because I was how do you say it not asked but everybody has been so supportive of my hosting this year except of course France and Germany now the Oscars are being broadcast for the first time in high-definition television so I'd like to say a big hello to the three guys watching at Circuit City hey writers directors actors if we're stuck here tonight and we run out of food that's the order of whom we eat down before we go any further I have a confession to make just before I came out here I licked all the Oscars now this is the 75th anniversary of the Oscars the very first Academy Awards was held 75 years ago right across the street at the Roosevelt Hotel and on your way out take a look you just go outside across Hollywood Boulevard make a right at the hooker oh excuse me pretty woman and you'll see the location of the very first Oscars in 1929 all the big stars were there and of course Joan Rivers was outside and many great stars are here tonight Olivia de Havilland is here we have Kirk Douglas and Margaret O'Brien Mickey Rooney is here now not it not a lot of people know this but Mickey Rooney is the same age as the earth at at one point Mickey Rooney was the biggest box-office star in all the 38 states Mickey I salute you where are you Mickey hey hey Mickey micki I'm sorry we couldn't get you a better seat but then diesel is here oh good Mickey is heckling me now today's movie stars make millions of dollars but Mickey Rooney was paid in shiny beads Barbra Streisand is here who's just here tonight he's just here tonight to enjoy the show and direct and there's nicole kidman now here's it interesting fact about nicole kidman not a lot of people know this nicole kidman has worn a fake nose in every movie she's ever made except the hours looking good Nicole Halle Berry is here and notice I am standing exactly twenty-two feet away from Halle Berry in compliance with the court order tonight Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep made Oscar history it was it was backstage and it wasn't pretty it's a big year for Jack he also got in a hot tub with Kathy Bates but hey who hasn't there was a lot of big movies this year now I love Lord of the Rings that was a great download sorry theatrical experience now another big movie Chicago now I'm just being honest here Miramax stopped at nothing to make sure Chicago was nominated now here's what they did and you tell me if you think this is fair they made a really good movie that everybody likes well if you're going to do that now I don't like the Oscar stage being used for promotion one year I watched Billy Crystal ride out here on a horse just to promote his movie city slickers and I was so mad it just made me want to start bringing down the house well thank you for mentioning it and I loved working with Queen Latifah there she is Queen Latifah or as I like to call her sequel money you know I've just realized that hosting the Oscars for the second time is like making love to a woman for the second time I guess now there were smaller movies to this year there was a movie called secretary about a woman who was humiliated by her boss his spanked and has to crawl on her knees and carry manila folders in her teeth and they say there are no parts for women movie jackass was out this year which in my opinion was the worst Hollywood adaptation yet of Jane Austen Afghanistan submitted a film this year my big fat skinny raggedy-ass one Hunter ste camel now there are a lot of cutbacks this year in the movie industry lots of layoffs and now they're talking about reducing actors salaries for God's sake are we insane and things are financially tough all over so right now you should do what Tom Cruise does at the end of each week he takes a million dollars and he just puts it away like it's not even there whether it's been a good week or a bad week and then at the end of the year you've got a little cushion oh sorry I thought I saw a non-celebrity ah roman polanski is here get up now this year some people in Hollywood were insulted by the use of the term gay mafia and I say to them well they seem to be extremely upset I say to them hey fellas don't get your thongs in a knot I understand now that throwing a phone in the middle of a joke is a bad idea it was planned I thought it was funny now I use the term gay mafia last week in the next morning I woke up and there was a poodle head in my bed you know looking at this audience tonight seeing so many familiar faces acknowledging your talent seeing people who have meant so much to the world it just makes me wonder for a minute what is a movie star Movistar as many things they can be tall short thin or skinny they can be Democrats or skinny Movistar can be young middle-aged or old we worship them we idolize them and yes sometimes we're annoyed with them like when they shoot their wives but movie stars know the public is watching so they always try to look their best they can be any sex race or religion sometimes all in one weekend they can be straight or gay movie stars crave publicity but have the decency not to brag if they've slept with me well you know the list can go on forever but we do have to get on with the 75th anniversary of the Oscars remember there are no losers here tonight but we're about to change all that I should tell you that if you are a winner and your speech goes on too long first you'll see flashing lights and then the band will start to play and then you'll feel something stick in your neck and I would suggest that you walk toward the light to your loved ones who are saying come you big winner you now by the way if you'd like a transcript of tonight's show simply write down every word we say

Channel: Oscars

Views: 2,229,873

Rating: 4.7826595 out of 5

Keywords: Steve Martin (Author), Academy Award (Award), 2003, 75th, Meryl Streep (Hall Of Fame Inductee), Nicole Kidman (TV Personality), Jack Nicholson (Film Writer)

Id: dIzPhEecXN0

Length: 13min 33sec (813 seconds)

Published: Thu May 07 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/brubzer]

Oh boy, the gay jokes, the High Def TV anxiety, Harvey Weinstein...This is the most early 2000s thing ever.

[u/PartyBluejay]

As mentioned by David on this week’s ep. Like many things from 17 years ago, a few bits that don’t hold up or would be ill-considered today, but overall a damn strong set - a testament to having a seasoned comedian with a strong voice hosting

[u/Von_Clownface]

Circuit city reference omg

[u/427BananaFish]

Who else remembers how damn newsworthy the piece of scaffolding was that fell and hit the stage at 9:18? That was in the newspaper and on local news the next day. We were talking about it at our lockers in school. What a time. (Haven’t listened to the new ep. I hope they brought this up)

As an aside, does Ed Harris always look like he just remorselessly stabbed someone in a fit of anger but is trying to stay composed?

[u/[deleted]]

https://youtu.be/9sfNs2NZSlA

The third joke he tells as the presenter in 1995 is the best.

[u/Pedroskywalker]

Uhhh boy